Transcript
Sacha Stone (0:00)
Hi, this is Free Thinking through the Fourth Turning. My name is Sacha Stone. Three petty tyrants walk into a bar. A short play in one act. Warning. This post contains satire. Proceed with extreme caution. Side effects include bouts of critical thinking and unintended laughter. If you find yourself taking it too seriously, please consult with your doctor immediately. In the hottest hell of our imaginations, two fascists and a communist escape into a corner bar, the Barbarossa. The black haired man with a tiny caterpillar mustache sits in an empty booth. He is Adolf Hitler, known to his people as Mein Fuhrer. A shorter man with a thicker, fatter mustache sits at a table in the middle of the room. He is Joseph Stalin, known as Comrade or Generalissimo, and the third man doesn't know where to sit. Barrel chested and wide eyed, with a cleanly shaven face, no mustache, he is Benito Mussolini, known to his people as Il Duce. Sit, Benito, Hitler says, pointing to the bar. Mussolini does as he is told. A tiny woman with straggly gray hair flying everywhere appears, but does not make eye contact with the three dictators. She hovers and awaits her orders, pulling on her white apron, quivering in fear, she admonishes her considerable sins and accepts her fate. What are we drinking? Stalin says. Tea for me in a porcelain cup, says Hitler. And something sweet. Pralines. I will just have the usual, Mussolini says. Same for me, says Stalin. The woman scurries back into the darkness, then emerges moments later with a bottle of vodka, a tall glass of milk, and a saucer of pralines, which she places before Hitler. He rubs his hands together excitedly like a schoolboy. Mmm, my favorite, says Hitler. But where's the tea? The woman startles and nods furiously, but must first place the vodka on Stalin's table with a shot glass, and then finally serve Mussolini his tall glass of milk. As the wench turns to leave, Hitler stews. It's taking too long. He pounds his fist on the table and the woman races off. That's always been your problem, Adolf. You are too impatient, Stalin says, pouring himself a glass. Impatient and impulsive. Hitler scoffs. Enjoy your water, Joseph. Do you think we're that stupid? The cursed woman returns, taking care not to spill the cup of hot tea on Hitler. As she carefully places it before him, Hitler dismisses her with a wave. Water, Says Stalin. How would you ever know? Even if it was? We're already bored of your little tiresome games, Hitler says. Now Mussolini pounds his fist on the bar. Both of you shut up. We have urgent business to attend To Hitler and Stalin share a look and then both break into giggles. What is so funny, if I may ask? Mussolini says, you have a bit of a milk mustache, Benito. It looks like mine, says Stalin. Mussolini slides his sleeve across his face, wiping off the milk, but remains defiant. Stop laughing, Adolf. Hitler covers his mouth to try to keep from laughing. Ha ha, real funny, Mussolini says. I used to drink milk for breakfast. Now it's for my stomach. Terrible ulcer. Settle down, Benito, Hitler says. We did not gather here to discuss your dietary preferences. You're one to talk, Mussolini says. Maybe if you'd laid off the sugar, you might have. I might have what? Hitler says, pinning him with his famous stare. Nothing, Mussolini says. I'm just saying, why are you wasting my time with this meeting? What is so urgent that couldn't wait for, you know, eternity? Stalin places his fist near his mouth and silently nods at Mussolini. Well, says Mussolini, we've been doom scrolling x for a while now checking out TikTok and YouTube. I try to tolerate Facebook, says the woman, briefly popping her head out of the kitchen, but it's like mom jeans as a social network. I don't even know what is the point of Facebook. All three dictators glare at her. She's not invited to this conversation, so she quietly shrinks back into the darkness. TikTok is insufferable, Hitler says. I can use the app. It's nothing but lost dog videos. Who would want to see that? I like TikTok, Stalin says. Built by communists. That's why it's the best. I like the Get Ready with Me videos. Can you imagine me making one of those get ready with me while I hire an actor to play me in a propaganda video? Can you stop? Mussolini explodes. I didn't come here to talk about TikTok. Well, get to the point, Benito, Hitler says. Always with the melodrama. We're in trouble, Mussolini says. Something has gone very wrong in America. Something very strange is happening. And normally I wouldn't care what happens to that fetid place, but they keep exploiting the word I invented. It all started with me. It was my national fascist movement that inspired fascism all over the world. It's based on the word fascist of wood bound together as one. All power to the state, all under the leadership of one me. It's my word. It belongs to me. They give me no credit whatsoever. Nobody remembers Il Duce. Nobody fears Il Duce. Get ready with me while I sideline Trotsky. Stalin says, laughing. Get ready with me while I kick the shit out of the Third Reich. You can't fix stupid Benito. Hitler says, so what? Your word, my word, what's the difference? Fascism lives on in the minds of the afflicted, celebrated by the press. Stalin toasts before downing another shot. It's always Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Nobody ever thinks about Il Duce. Nobody even remembers Il Duce. Then I invented fascism. I am responsible for the Roman salute. Stop calling it the Roman salute, says Hitler. No one thinks of it like that. Come on. It's the Nazi salute. It's Heil Hitler. Hitler takes a sip of tea. I'm sorry, but it is survival of the fittest. Get ready with me as I join the Allied Forces. Stalin says, enough. Joseph. Hitler says, it wasn't funny the first time. Imagine a civilization of the richest and most privileged people in the world thinking they're under the threat of fascism. Mussolini says, and having no idea what that even means. Here is John Iadarola on the Young Turks.