listen to this if you’re in your 20s!!! with MEL ROBBINS

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Gals on the Go
Episode: listen to this if you’re in your 20s!!! with MEL ROBBINS
Hosts: Brooke Miccio & Danielle Carolan
Guest: Mel Robbins
Date: October 1, 2025

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Episode Overview

This special episode features Mel Robbins, renowned motivational speaker, author, and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast. With millions of followers and best-selling books, Mel brings practical advice and “let them” philosophy to Gals on the Go. The conversation dives deep into confidence, comparison, relationships, boundaries, people-pleasing, and surviving your 20s—all in Mel’s signature, no-nonsense style.
Tone: Honest, girl-talk, tough love, relatable, motivational.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of Energy & Bringing the Weather

[05:24-07:31] Mel Robbins:

• Your “energy is currency”—the mood you bring into a room truly impacts others.
• "If you want to get more out of life, you bring the weather." (Mel Robbins, 05:48)
• Mel urges listeners to deliberately decide how they want to be experienced before entering any situation.
  • “Before you walk into an interview, a date, a meeting, anything, ask yourself, what do I want people to say when I leave?” (Mel Robbins, 07:21)
• It’s about self-possession, not being fake; tailoring your energy to the context empowers you.

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2. Belonging vs. Fitting In

[08:36-10:23] Mel Robbins:

• Fitting in means adjusting yourself for conditional acceptance by others.
• True belonging is showing up as yourself and shifting your focus to how you want to feel and be remembered, not on seeking others’ validation.

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3. Navigating Social Events & Meeting People

[12:11-14:22] Mel Robbins:

• Success at networking events is about your intention—not who is there or the party vibes, but “What do I want to get from this?” (Mel Robbins, 11:29)
• Practical tips:
  • Set a target (“I want to meet 7 people tonight.”)
  • Don't linger in the doorway; instead, stand 8-10 feet back from the bar or buffet for easier interactions.
  • “Stop trying to make lifelong friends at parties. It's in the follow-up!” (Mel Robbins, 14:16)
• Compliment and connect, but don’t force reciprocation or become transactional about follows or networking.

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4. “Let Them” Theory & Dealing with People-Pleasing

[17:38-20:33] Mel Robbins:

• Allow people to have their reactions, misunderstandings, or negative opinions. Don’t bend over backwards to control how others see you.
  • “Let them do it their way. Let them believe what they believe. Let them misunderstand you.” (Mel Robbins, 19:47)
• Trying to control others’ perceptions creates unnecessary stress and actually lessens your personal peace.

Notable Real-Life Example

[43:42-44:22] Mel Robbins:

• Mel’s “prom flower” story: How being controlling as a mom or partner leads to robbing others of growth and experiences.

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5. Constructive Feedback & Comparison

[22:45-26:48] Mel Robbins:

• Differentiate constructive criticism (from someone you respect or who is where you want to be) from empty, hostile feedback.
• “Why would I take feedback from somebody who I wouldn't want to trade places with?” (Mel Robbins, 25:11)
• Comparing yourself with others only makes sense if you want all parts of their life, not just cherry-picked highlights.

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6. Navigating Jealousy

[29:45-36:41] Mel Robbins:

• Jealousy reveals your own ambitions—use it as a signal for what you want, instead of as a source of shame.
  • “If you’re jealous of someone, that’s your desire and ambition coming through.” (Mel Robbins, 29:45)
• The solution is not to suppress feelings, but decide how you act on them.
• Trust your timeline and don’t accelerate life events just because someone else gets what you want sooner.
  • “Their engagement doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship.” (Mel Robbins, 35:09)

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7. Relationships & Moving In Together

[46:21-47:45] Mel Robbins:

• The pitfalls of making your partner change for you, especially regarding household habits.
• “But you’re not in a partnership if the way things need to be done is your way.” (Mel Robbins, 47:27)
• Most things are learnable skills, but you can’t—and shouldn’t—try to re-parent your partner.

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8. What Actually Matters in a Partner

[51:25-52:03] Mel Robbins:

• “Do they feel like home?” is more important than superficial compatibility.
• The “80% rule”: If your partner supports you, is loyal, and feels like a ‘safe base,’ you’ve essentially won.
• Skills—cooking, cleaning, etc.—can be learned later.

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9. Surviving Your 20s

[54:18-57:22] Mel Robbins:

• Your 20s are the most stressful decade (work, money, love, identity).
• “80% of the biggest life experiences are going to happen to you before you turn 35.” (Mel Robbins, 55:37)
• Take risks. Collect experiences, skills, and professional relationships.
• Don’t define yourself through comparison. Instead, spend time with yourself to figure out who you truly are.
  • Attend things solo; see what you like without outside influence.

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10. Relationship Red Flags

[57:26-59:16] Mel Robbins:

• Date the actual person, not their potential.
• Don’t explain away or accept behaviors that go against your values or leave you unable to be yourself.
• “Giving up on your dreams because of someone else is the single biggest reason people get divorced.” (Mel Robbins, 58:34)

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11. Taking Control & Making Changes

[59:24-59:48] Mel Robbins:

• If you know how to ruin your life, you also know how to improve it by making better choices.
  • “You are capable of changing your life for the better, and I’m going to prove it to you right now… So you can come up with 10 ways to make your life better.” (Mel Robbins, 59:24)

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12. The Power of a Morning Routine

[60:05-62:21] Mel Robbins:

• The first 30 minutes are the only part of your day you can completely control.
• “How you start your day is how it ends.” (Mel Robbins, 60:11)
• Mel’s steps: don’t look at your phone, get up with a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown, make your bed, high-five yourself in the mirror, pick one priority for the day, and take a short walk.
• “Strangers, your boss, the president—they’re all in your bedroom with your phone in the morning. Take time for yourself first.” (Mel Robbins, 61:08)

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Standout Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your energy is currency.” (Mel Robbins, 05:44)
• “Let them do it their way. Let them believe what they believe. Let them misunderstand you.” (Mel Robbins, 19:47)
• “Trying to control other people is not loving them—loving someone is seeing them as they are and as they’re not, and just letting them be that way.” (Mel Robbins, 43:05)
• “Jealousy is your desire and ambition coming through.” (Mel Robbins, 29:45)
• “Date the actual person in front of you. Not their potential.” (Mel Robbins, 57:26)
• “If you know how to ruin your life, you also know how to improve it.” (Mel Robbins, 59:24)
• “How you start your day is how it ends.” (Mel Robbins, 60:11)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 05:24 – Mel’s “energy is currency” philosophy
• 07:21 – “Bring the weather” mindset
• 12:30 – Networking/event tactics
• 17:38 – Social media boundaries (“Let them” theory)
• 22:45 – Feedback and criticism: what to internalize
• 29:45 – Navigating jealousy and milestones in relationships
• 35:09 – Relationship timelines & comparison
• 47:27 – Cohabitation and compromise
• 51:25 – What to prioritize in a partner
• 54:18 – Why your 20s are so stressful
• 60:10 – Morning routine for success

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Practical Takeaways

• Control your energy and set intentions for how you want to be perceived.
• Let people be themselves—don’t micromanage their opinions, timelines, or behaviors.
• Reframe comparison and jealousy as insight into your true desires.
• Actively choose whose feedback you value.
• Master small daily habits, like a morning routine, that help you feel self-possessed and grounded.
• Give yourself (and others) grace; your 20s are messy, but also transformative.

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For more from Mel Robbins:

• Podcast: The Mel Robbins Podcast
• Book: The Let Them Theory
• Follow: @melrobbins on social platforms

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Hosts’ Note:
This episode is a must-listen “prescription” for anyone in their 20s (or honestly, anyone at a crossroads in life). Mel delivers the hard truths and encouragement you didn’t know you needed, all wrapped in confidence-boosting girl talk.

Transcript

[Mel Robbins]

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[Brooke]

Your receipt did the sausage McMuffin with.

[Mel Robbins]

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[Brooke]

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[Danielle]

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[Mel Robbins]

If you want to get more out of life, you bring the weather.

[Brooke]

What's your opinion on walking people?

[Mel Robbins]

Why wouldn't you?

[Danielle]

How do we lace up the trigger?

[Mel Robbins]

We don't. Their engagement doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship. The only person that blocks your way is you. You forget who you fell in love with.

[Brooke]

Like.

[Danielle]

Hey guys, what's up? Welcome back to Gals on the Go podcast.

[Brooke]

It's Brooke and Danielle and today is a really exciting episode because we have the iconic Mel Robbins on the podcast today.

[Danielle]

I can't even believe that we're saying those words. I I mean it's still surreal to me.

[Brooke]

Like no, it's crazy that two years ago my mom was like, you guys should learn about the let them theory. And I came on the podcast.

[Danielle]

Check out Mel Robbins.

[Brooke]

Check out Mel.

[Danielle]

And I feel like we manifested that into existence.

[Brooke]

We did.

[Danielle]

Oh, my gosh, guys, this episode. Lock the.

[Brooke]

And seriously, we're gonna be listening to this episode once a month. We decided it's the kick in the butt you need, but it's so practical. She really tailored it to, like, our demographic, you guys. She honestly. We had a little therapy session for a minute.

[Danielle]

Totally revealed some things. I revealed. Yeah. I feel like she made us dig deep in a good way. I. And I just. I know that this is going to be one that's going to stick with you. It's definitely going to stick with me 1000%.

[Brooke]

If for some reason you don't know who Mel Robbins is. Mel Robbins is the host of one of the top ranked podcasts in the entire world, the Mel Robbins Podcast. We love it. She has 30 million followers online. Her YouTube videos have been viewed over a billion, billion times. She's one of the most trusted voices and respected experts on motivation and mindset. And she's a mom of three and has been married for 28 years. Her new York Times bestselling books have sold millions of copies and have been Translated into over 51 languages. Yep, that's right. And the let them theory, which you guys know we love and have talked about, has sold 7 million copies. The podcast has half a billion downloads. People have literally spent so much time listening, loving her, and we are so grateful that she graced us. It was so funny. We were like, thank you so much for being on the podcast. She was like, thanks for squeezing me in.

[Danielle]

And we were like, oh, no, no, no, no.

[Brooke]

We move mountains now. We will move mountain. No worries. If any of you guys are new.

[Danielle]

Here, welcome to Gals on the Go. This is a weekly podcast that we've been doing for seven years now.

[Brooke]

Seven years and counting. Brooke and I have been friends for even more than that. We ended. We were friends. We Both had made YouTube videos, met through YouTube and became so close. Went to the same school, University of Georgia. Go.

[Danielle]

And then we decided to start a podcast together. And it stuck. And now we live in New York City. We're both in our 20s. We're kind of just figuring our lives out.

[Brooke]

Live in real time, new life chapters unlocked. And we're very unfiltered. We just kind of say what's on our mind. We kind of don't shut up.

[Danielle]

And we kind of just yap.

[Brooke]

Yeah, Honestly. Yeah, Truly just yap. And we are here to be the girl talk in your ear when you're folding your laundry, running errands on your way to class, work, whatever it is. Like, we just want to distract you for an hour and have some fun and just talk about relatable things. So we are so excited to have Mel on and just tap her mind.

[Danielle]

Honestly, and we want to hear what you guys have to say about the episode. So join us at Gals in the Go podcast, on Instagram, on YouTube, on TikTok everywhere. Because, like, you need to tell us what you think, because I think you're gonna love it.

[Brooke]

I think you're gonna love it. And it's just, we're literally prescribing all of our friends listen to this episode.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, it's.

[Brooke]

It's that episode. We're so proud of it and we're so grateful to her and we just. I hope you guys enjoy this episode.

[Danielle]

So take it away, Mel.

[Brooke]

Take it away. All right, we have the most special guest of the day today, Ms. Mel Robbins. I am just obsessed with your energy.

[Mel Robbins]

What do you mean?

[Danielle]

Like, you walk in and you're like, hey, I'm Mel.

[Brooke]

Like, like, we hear you down the hall. It was amazing.

[Danielle]

I feel like people say I hate to be, like, confident, but like, actually you just carry yourself with such ease, like a way that it's like you just are you. And like, you make everybody else feel comfortable.

[Brooke]

I don't know how else immediately comfortable.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, I don't. First of all, your energy is currency.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And I want you to think about it this way. If you want to get more out of life, you bring the weather.

[Brooke]

You bring the weather. And it's a rainy day today in New York, but you would never know.

[Mel Robbins]

Correct. And so think about it. There are times in your life where you've been bitchy and insecure and just full of whatever mood you're in. And that's like you bringing a storm into every room you walk into. And if you want to start to feel more powerful in life, if you want to develop a skill of being able to kind of influence people and connect with people, immediately manage your energy. Because your energy isn't just what you feel inside. There's so much research around the fact that I think they've even measured. I'm going to get the. I'm going to get the. Get this wrong. But it's like they can measure the electromagnetic waves from your heart at like a three foot radius. And so this isn't just some woo woo crap. This is physics. This is neuroscience. This is modern medicine. And when you recognize that energy is currency and that your energy matters and that your energy can affect people positively or negatively, I want you to start to wield it in a good way. And so I feel as though you can enter a room and leave it better, you can enter a room and leave it worse. And here's a great tip that everybody should use. Before you walk into an interview, a date, a meeting, anything, ask yourself, what do I want people to say when I leave? And based on your answer, mic drop.

[Danielle]

That was incredible.

[Mel Robbins]

Based on your answer, you know how to act.

[Brooke]

That's so true. Because I feel like I'll leave a room and immediately I call Brooke. Did I say something weird like, oh, my gosh, they talking shit about me. But you just leave it knowing, like, no, I know they're going to love me.

[Mel Robbins]

Because if you say, okay, I want to walk in and I want people to think I'm smart, that I'm warm, that I'm honest, that I. Now you know how to act. If you want to walk into a room and have people go, well, she had the best outfit on, but she was a real bitch. I'm dead serious.

[Brooke]

Yeah, you're like, but I'll take it whatever you want.

[Mel Robbins]

That day, we are so busy and obsessed looking for other people's validation that you miss the most powerful thing in the room that's available to you. That you can create your own reputation by asking yourself, what do you want it to be? And then act accordingly.

[Danielle]

You're so right. So you're thinking about this, like, in the Uber, on the way over somewhere, like on the commute, you're like, okay, this is what's on on deck for today. Is it always, like the same? Are you always kind of thinking about it with the same agenda? Or does it depend on, like, the environment?

[Mel Robbins]

Great question. So here's the thing. It's not about being fake.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

It's about understanding the environment and the context of what you're walking into. And then asking yourself, how do I want that person or that group of people to experience me? Now, I'm always warm. I am always myself. Like, I've gotten to a point in my life where, you know, in my 20s, I was such a insecure, people pleasing, morph into the boyfriend, jealous. You did not want me as a friend. I had so much stuff that I had not worked out yet. I was that friend that, like, if I saw you, I was like, you know, take smile. You're like, oh, okay, thanks for Having the best boyfriend in the world. You took them all. And I didn't know how to be proud of myself. I didn't know myself. And so I was always looking for approval and validation over there. There's a huge difference between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in is when you like me, if true.

[Danielle]

So there's, like, certain conditions, and, like, you're kind of, like, molding. Yeah. Like, they'll like me if I'm quiet because I'll let them shine or something.

[Mel Robbins]

Correct. And so you just put the power over there because your ability to be liked by other people has a condition, and somebody else determines the condition. So you want to reverse that. You want to basically say to yourself, if I walk into this party, if I walk into this date, if I walk into this interview, if I walk into, I don't know, this barbecue that our friends of my parents, what is the energy that I'm bringing and what do I hope people say about me when I leave?

[Brooke]

I love this. I love this so much.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, because you're now reminding yourself, I get to choose how I show up. I get to choose the things that I'm measuring in myself versus walking to a room hoping you have the right outfit on. Like, wondering if the right people are going to talk to you, and then wondering as you leave, okay, how did I do? And what did they think? And you don't even know, but you just gave the power of approval to strangers or to other people versus, okay, I want to walk into this job interview, and I want to be warm, and I want to be prepared. And if I don't know the answer to something, I'll say, well, I don't know, but I would figure it out. And then I'd come back to you with what I figured it out. And if I'm nervous, I'm just going to be nervous. Like, I just want to be proud of myself for how I showed up. It's not about nailing the interview. It's about determining what are you actually measuring and why.

[Brooke]

I love this. So instead of basically, like, you're on your way to an event, you're like, what's gonna. Who's gonna be there? What's this? Who gives you.

[Mel Robbins]

What can I control? Like, honestly, you're there.

[Brooke]

No, you're so right. It's like, what can you control? Like, what do I want to get.

[Mel Robbins]

Out of this event? Tell me all the things at an event that you cannot control. Tell me all of the things.

[Danielle]

Who's gonna be there?

[Brooke]

I guess that is a big One.

[Danielle]

Who'S gonna be there. Even, like, what the vibes are like, you know, is it. Is it a loud party? Is it quiet party? Is it int.

[Mel Robbins]

Intimate?

[Danielle]

Yeah. Is it. Is it like, are we buttoned up and polished? Are we letting loose?

[Brooke]

Yeah. Like having beverages. Hold a napkin and, like, be awkward in the corner.

[Danielle]

Music, dancing.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Are people nice to you?

[Brooke]

Are people like, am I gonna. I think it's. Especially in New York, it's always like. Because there's like a scene of, like, other content creators and stuff. We're always like, oh, I wonder if I'll know anyone there. Like, will someone be able to help me take a photo? You know, like just surface level stuff, too.

[Mel Robbins]

Exactly. And so let me give you some tips about this, please. Okay. So if you're going to an event, ask yourself, why am I going? And how am I going to measure success? And if, for example, I'm going because I want to meet people, have a number in mind. I want to meet seven people. I'm not allowed to leave until I talk to seven people.

[Brooke]

Obsessed.

[Mel Robbins]

Now, here's another tip. Do not stand, like, right in the threshold of the door. Because what happens when you stand at the threshold of the door hoping that you make eye contact with somebody is you feel exposed. And now people are coming and going, and you're gonna wanna go and you're gonna notice.

[Brooke]

Team go.

[Mel Robbins]

Right? You're gonna wanna notice. We always are ready to go. We're always ready to go. Wreck. No, you go straight to the bar or you go straight to the food buffet and you get your drink and then you stand about 10ft back or 8ft back, because people are always standing in. People leave the bar and come back and you're right there. And then, boom. Here's my first person, like, as they're.

[Brooke]

Leaving with their drink.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. What brought you here?

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, that looks like a more interesting drink. Like, it's all about them. How you contact, how you connect with people has nothing to do with you. Because the most fascinating thing to most people is themselves. And so comment nails. Comment on, like, something else. If you see them, even if you don't like them, be like, oh, my gosh, I. I've seen your content.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, I really was inspired by this particular thing. And they'll be like, oh, my God. Okay. And then now you're in. That's one. And then as soon as that's done, move next person. Because here's the thing, you're not going to make a lifelong friend talking to them. You want to get in, you want to like have a good positive. Like what do I want? Do I want to be smart? Do I want to be the coolest person here? Do I just want to go in and get my seven and get out? Right, and then you're going to make contact compliment talk for a second. I'd love to connect outside of this. Let's exchange and then you follow up.

[Brooke]

Right?

[Mel Robbins]

Stop trying to make lifelong friends at parties.

[Brooke]

Yeah, it's just not going to happen.

[Mel Robbins]

No, it's in the follow up.

[Brooke]

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[Danielle]

The day's just getting started now kicking with my crew when I need a quick snack. Gogo Squeeze Active fruit blend with electrolytes. Pouches are always in the start lineup.

[Brooke]

Made with real fruit and select electrolytes.

[Danielle]

And mmm, so tasty. From workouts to hangouts to whatever's next, I go with Gogo Squeeze Active. Snag yours on your next store run. Available on Amazon. You're so right. I feel like it's actually really important too in that moment to like actually actively like follow each other or do something because I find that after you forget, it's over like and or like they never follow me back, let's just say. And then it's like, okay, I guess I'll never see you again.

[Mel Robbins]

But here's the thing. Don't ask them to follow you. Why should you be connecting? Like, don't presume that somebody should follow you.

[Danielle]

Of course. Well, no, but.

[Mel Robbins]

No, but it's not.

[Brooke]

Actually. Brooke needed to hear that. Brooke is like, they didn't follow me back, so I'm gonna unfollow.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Like, don't presume. Like, why should they follow you?

[Danielle]

No, they. They probably wouldn't.

[Mel Robbins]

You have their text. Why. Why do you need to follow? Like, if your friend is a restaurant, you have to go. You don't have to go there every night.

[Danielle]

True. No, it's so true. This is the humbling.

[Brooke]

Yeah, this is relatable.

[Mel Robbins]

But you only follow people because you think you're. Like, the problem with friendships and business is we've become way too transactional. Like, if you do this and I'll do that.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

If you don't follow me, I'm not following you. Yeah, you're a. If you don't do that. Like, hold on. Your social media is for you and the people that are interested in what you're putting out. It is not a requirement that your friends or your family or anybody follow you.

[Brooke]

So you're saying only follow people. If you want to see their content, you want to follow them. Nothing. Don't ask for anything.

[Mel Robbins]

No.

[Brooke]

In exchange, which I know sounds like crazy, but in this day and age, I think people do take it personal. I mean, I do, too.

[Danielle]

Yeah. We meet a friend of a friend, like, and then it's like, we've heard it go back around. Like, you know, Danielle never followed me back or something. And then we're like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Like, I must have missed that or something.

[Brooke]

Take offense.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, they do. Let them. Let them. Let them. You can also say I'm managing who I follow because I'm so overwhelmed, and I know that people look at who I follow, and it's important that who I follow is. Is reflective of the business goals that I have.

[Brooke]

No, that's so true. I totally agree with that, honestly. Because I feel like sometimes. Or it's just like, I don't want to see your stuff. Like, I don't know who you are. It's like.

[Mel Robbins]

And if you want to be the kind of person that does that, do it. And then just hide the account.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because the other thing that's annoying about the algorithm is you see the same seven accounts. Most people don't realize that only 3% of your audience sees what you do.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

The obsession with new new new new new. You should. You already create too much content. Repurpose the things that work.

[Brooke]

So that brings us to Let them.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Because so about two years ago, Mel.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Brooke]

My mom, who you got to meet right before this go. Michelle, Peaceful Michelle, she brought this to me because Brooke and I are both people pleasers, like all of us.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Brooke]

And she was like, you need to, you know, follow Mel Robbins. Listen to her, whatever. I followed because I wanted to, by the way, not because I felt pressured. I just wanted to, obviously. And became so obsessed with it. We talked about it on the podcast those two years ago November. We found the episode and so now we're here with you, which is just so crazy and full circle because the let them theory truly, like, changed how Brooke and I think.

[Mel Robbins]

And obviously how did it change how you think?

[Brooke]

Because I feel like Brooke and I feel. I'll speak for me, but, like, you know, feel like we have to, like, try and control everything. And really, you know, even with like my boyfriend with things, I'm like, oh, I really wouldn't do it like that. But sometimes I think hearing Let them. It's like you have to let them have those experiences. And then I can handle, you know, what I need to handle for that. But it's like you can't get so worked out up about something that's not even happening to you. It's like something else.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, you can.

[Brooke]

You can.

[Mel Robbins]

You can get worked up.

[Brooke]

Oh, yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You can get stressed out.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You can get frustrated and disappointed. You can be judgy and if that feels great, do it.

[Brooke]

Yeah. But it doesn't usually.

[Mel Robbins]

No. And it also doesn't work.

[Brooke]

I don't love that.

[Mel Robbins]

See, here's the other thing about Let them and let me is that when you recognize that this is actually a really smart strategy.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

That all the judgment, all the controlling, all of the things that you stress about, all of the bending over backwards to make sure nobody's mad and everybody's great and haven't upset anybody. And did I da. Huh? Like that. There's a different way to move through your life that both protects you from the unnecessary stress, and it also allows you to just let people have their opinions. Let them do it their way. Let them believe what they believe. Let them misunderstand you.

[Brooke]

The misunderstanding. I think that's a big one. It, like, aches me, like, even, like people that comment on our, you know, stuff. I'm sure you've had this experience Too. Where it's like, wait, they. But they don't know me. Like, that's not what I meant. But it's like, let them think that. Because you know who you are.

[Mel Robbins]

Correct. But it still bothers you.

[Brooke]

Yeah, totally.

[Mel Robbins]

Why does it bother you? Why does it bother you? A stranger that you've never met before.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Has time and chooses to spend it.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Writing something that is not actually at you. They're basically barfing into the air.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, it's. It's like. It's like, if you've ever gotten really angry, have you ever sent one of those emails? It's like. It's like single space. Takes you like an hour.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You rewrite it and then you hit reply all and you send it at work. And then you're like, why did I do that?

[Brooke]

Like, now I'm having scaries. Why did I send that?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And nobody ever replies to this. Have you ever noticed that?

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Yes. Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You know why? Because they're all rolling their eyes.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And going, did you see that text from Brooklyn?

[Brooke]

Yeah. Relatable, right?

[Danielle]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

That email. Not because of them. You did it because you can't handle the volcano inside you, so you barf at other people.

[Brooke]

Totally.

[Mel Robbins]

That's what people who comment negatively online are doing. Do you think anybody that changes the world positively is, like, commenting online. Is spending time commenting online.

[Brooke]

So true.

[Mel Robbins]

Do you think anybody that is achieving the things that you want in your life wastes a nanosecond? I don't even remember the last time I commented on something online unless it was, like, a friend and it was positive.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Like a positive. Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But. But just think about the psychology of someone who is choosing to spend your most precious research, which is your time.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Commenting negatively. Like, what a sad life.

[Danielle]

So true.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And like, I think about, like, all of my really good friends, like, you're not commenting mean things on other people. Because going on a farm on the.

[Danielle]

Internet, like, we don't track. Yeah.

[Brooke]

None of our friends do that. And those are the people you want to be in your life. So it's. I think so. It's just the constant reframing, which I'm trying to train myself.

[Mel Robbins]

Because you can tell when somebody is giving you constructive feedback.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because they care about something. The intent is very different.

[Brooke]

Yes. Totally.

[Mel Robbins]

Than just baseless venting online at you.

[Danielle]

We've been trying to discern this valuable very. Yes. Very relevant. We've just been going through, like, our podcast reviews trying to, of course, like, improve and level up. We've been doing the show for like seven years, and we're like, how can we make it better? Like, how can we best serve our audience?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Danielle]

And a lot of the feedback that we get from people who don't like us is just, you're ugly.

[Brooke]

Like, you're ugly. You're boring. I don't want to hear about your life. Or it's always.

[Danielle]

It's not actually constructive. It's not actually tangible things that it's like, oh, well, let's improve. We've gotten something. It sounds a little quiet. Can you guys improve the audio?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, it's improved.

[Danielle]

Like, those are things that we can fix. You know, we talk over each other. We could fix that. We could work on it.

[Brooke]

We're working on it. So we're trying to. Because we basically used to just not even look at any of the reviews.

[Mel Robbins]

So let me ask you something. So if you, like, first of all, you have. And this goes to comparison. Yes.

[Brooke]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mel Robbins]

And it goes to, whose opinion do you actually respect? And so there's a difference between a one star that's a throwaway, that's an angry human being.

[Brooke]

They're funny sometimes.

[Mel Robbins]

And a five star that's a fan, and somebody who takes time to give a two or three or four. Like, for example, when we first started, the only criticism that I got, other than the stupid stuff like your neck looks like a turkey and you're super ugly and could you shut your face and all that stuff. Whatever. You belong on Reddit. I would see. I really love this show, but I hate that you swear because I listen with kids in the car. And so I made a decision that I would make the show PG13 and I would not swear because I didn't want anyone to not listen to the show.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Wow.

[Mel Robbins]

Because of a concern that they didn't know if there was language that they didn't want their kids hearing. And the reason why I did that was not people pleasing. I did that because that feedback aligns with my values and the impact I want to make. So I would, instead of taking public feedback, I would send a survey to your audience.

[Brooke]

Oh, so smart. Google business ideas.

[Mel Robbins]

And then I would study people who are doing what you want to be doing. And I would then. And this is feedback for everybody. This has nothing to do with running a podcast. Specific.

[Brooke]

Yeah, no.

[Mel Robbins]

In life, comparison is normal.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

It's what you do with it that matters. And so you have to ask yourself, first of all, when you will kind of handle comparison and criticism the same way I only take feedback from people that I respect. Like, why would I take feedback from somebody who I wouldn't want to trade places with? Why would I take feedback from somebody who doesn't even in business? If some person that is single and in their 20s is giving me negative feedback, I'm like, well, I would rather like, I'm gonna look for feedback from somebody who's also been successfully married and has three children that still speak to you, you know, is approaching things a certain way. And so when you take criticism from people you don't respect, that's self torture. When you look at that girl and now you think you should be that girl, when that girl has a trust fund and that girl has no ambition that you have, or that girl is in eye banking and you're like trying to make it as a singer songwriter. It is self torture when you engage in the kind of comparison with somebody that is not actually having to deal with the problems you deal with or doesn't have the same goals as you. Why would you do that to yourself? It's just like stupidity.

[Brooke]

Yeah. It's not fair to you.

[Mel Robbins]

No. And so pick smart people that are in your lane that have the things that you want. And the other thing that we do with comparison that's very dangerous is we pick and choose. Oh, I want the relationship, but I don't want her family.

[Brooke]

This is so true.

[Mel Robbins]

I want her trust fund, but I don't want her self doubt and anxiety. I want their followers, but I don't want everybody calling me fake. Like, if you're going to compare yourself to people, you got to compare to the whole package.

[Danielle]

You're so right.

[Brooke]

Here that comes. Loading.

[Danielle]

Yeah, I know. Because we, we think about this sometimes too. Like when we're like, I want to grow, I want to grow. And then we're like, but that comes with more eyes, more like feedback or comments, whatever it is. And it's like, not that you say like, is it worth it? But like, you have to understand that.

[Mel Robbins]

You got to ask yourself, what do I want? Why do I want it? Do you want it because you think you should do it or do you want it because like, because if you authentically want to grow. And again, like we were talking about comparison and we're talking about criticism. Be very picky about who you're accepting feedback from because not everybody gets a vote, but you determine who does.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so that's really important to understand. Let people have your opinions. People who are misunderstanding you are intent on misunderstanding you. People who want to Understand you come at you a different way.

[Brooke]

What's your opinion on like blocking people?

[Mel Robbins]

Why wouldn't you. Why do people get access to you? This question is, what the hell is wrong with everybody? Like first of all, everybody wake the fuck up and recognize that your social media channels are for you. They're not for your friends for high school. They're not for your parents for your second cousin. You are on a platform that is for your self expression, your artistry, your business, your goals. And the whole point is not to put everybody that you know in your context on blast.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

It's to use it to be able to express yourself. And when you show up and you go through that period where you cringe is part of it. When you start to be more authentic and when you start to express yourself, you will feel cringy. That is part of the equation 100%. And there will come a time when you recognize that people have fallen off. But all these people that are looking for someone like you and who really like your art or like what you're posting now, they can find you. And the other thing to understand is it's two way. Why does everybody have access to you? Why are you following who you follow?

[Brooke]

I'm following a lot of people tonight.

[Mel Robbins]

Because that's input. And if you're following a lot of people out of obligation and when you see their accounts, you feel judgy or you feel jealous.

[Brooke]

The comparison.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And jealousy is really important because, you know, if you're jealous of somebody, that is your desire and ambition coming through.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So a lot of people miss. I understood, I misunderstood jealousy. Like I just thought that if somebody has the perfect relationship, it means I can't. If somebody has the nice apartment, oh, I'm screwed. If somebody got that dream job now there's no jobs left for them.

[Brooke]

There's none left. None at all.

[Mel Robbins]

No. And the thing about jealousy is you're only jealous of things that you actually want.

[Brooke]

Yeah, that's true. So it's like you should almost use it to fuel your inner desire and to kind of go after it yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, the way that I, that you can flip this on your head with the let them theory is when you notice that you're jealous of somebody. Like what, what's, what's a thing that you get jealous about?

[Danielle]

People getting engaged.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Danielle]

That's very relevant to this time of my life though. Like if you would have told me that like a year ago, I would, but I do. 28.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. You're right on time. Yeah. So you're jealous of people getting engaged. Are you in a relationship? Yes.

[Danielle]

And I, I think that's also why I've seen people who've been dating their boyfriends maybe less time than me or similar situations. And you know, it will be like, oh, it's situational because like, you know, we're in this time of life. I'm like, they're in the same time of life and they're getting engaged.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. So is this your person?

[Danielle]

Yeah, for sure. I mean.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So are you going to get married?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. Have you talked about it? Yeah. Okay. So he's just waiting for you to stop pressuring him so that he could actually surprise your ass.

[Brooke]

Let him, let him, let him handle it.

[Danielle]

That's.

[Mel Robbins]

I feel like, don't rob him of this and do not accelerate your timeline because that girl got engaged. That's her timeline and it does not rob you of yours. There is a reason why it hasn't happened yet. That's why. That's it. And you have to trust, like there's somewhere in you that you're doubting that it's gonna happen. And so you're pressuring him to make it happen now because every time you see it, your default isn't, oh, I can't wait for that to happen. That's so cool. Whenever it's gonna happen for us.

[Danielle]

Oh my God.

[Mel Robbins]

Your default is it's not gonna happen.

[Danielle]

I notice it with specific. It's not with everybody. Like I can definitely celebrate. Like some people, like that's amazing.

[Brooke]

Yeah, you do.

[Danielle]

But some people I've noticed myself getting specifically triggered from and I.

[Brooke]

Around the same time.

[Danielle]

Yes. I think that's what it is. Maybe because I know their situation and I know like they're very similar to us. Whatever it is. I have to tell you guys about a new product that I'm just loving so, so much in my routine. It's the new Youth Topia Apple Butter Cleansing Balm. Origins is the leader in plant powered high performance skincare and they're expanding their Youth Topia collection with the new Apple Butter Cleansing Balm. This is a luxurious multi phase formula. It starts out as a buttery bomb, melts into a silky oil and transforms into a rinsable milk, gently lifting away makeup, dirt and impurities without stripping your skin. It's infused with upcycled cold pressed apple seed oil and formulated with over 40 plant derived oils and 20 plant derived glycerin to keep skin soft, nourished and glowing. Plus, it smells like a juicy apple orchard. It Is so good. I love the packaging of this product. Specifically, it's in a squeezy tube, so, you know, you don't have to, like, dip your fingers in, get it all gross. Like. No, you just squeeze them out, put it on your hand. I put it on my face. I use some water to kind of activate it. Get going. And I am cleansing my skin while still keeping it moisturized. That is key for me. I don't want to strip my skin. I want to keep it, you know, feeling really, really good. And this is truly it. Discover the butter way to cleanse with Origins Youth Topia Apple Butter Cleansing Balm. Available [e-mail] and Ulta. But I feel like I can identify, like, hey, I feel more triggered from this than this.

[Mel Robbins]

That's good.

[Danielle]

But it's. How do we, like, stop the trigger? Or, like, how do I stop myself spiraling?

[Mel Robbins]

And, like, you don't. You don't stop the trigger.

[Brooke]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

That's something you can't control because this is something for you because you're excited about it and you want it. And it's normal to be like, oh, I'm a little jealous of that because I kind of wish I was engaged right now. But what you do next, you can control. You get to choose whether you go on a jealous spiral or you're bitchy to him tonight. Right? Little bit. Because you're sending a signal not through Morris code, but through the storm energy, through the bitchiness. Yes. And instead you're just gonna say, oh, interesting. It triggers me because I'm just really excited for this to happen.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But I'm gonna let her get engaged because that's great for her. And I'm gonna let him take his time. And I'm gonna. Let me just notice that I don't need to be a volcano tonight. I don't need to think that this means it's never gonna happen.

[Danielle]

I don't need to ruin the night. Are you serious? What?

[Brooke]

You can just carry on?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Brooke]

So you have a little moment.

[Mel Robbins]

Basically, you're allowed to have a moment. These are normal feelings. But it's what you do with the feelings that matter. And she's not taking anything from you.

[Danielle]

So true.

[Mel Robbins]

And their engagement doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship.

[Danielle]

It's so hard to remind yourself that, though, when you're in a state.

[Mel Robbins]

No kidding. It's too easy for me to tell you that. You should see me at my house when I'm triggered all day long, angry, commenting at people.

[Brooke]

I was like, really?

[Danielle]

No.

[Brooke]

Does Mel have a burner?

[Mel Robbins]

The old me would have been like that. No, I. It's when you start to recognize, and it takes time. I used to be run over by my emotions. I used to go into the spiral. Why me? Why this? I almost didn't start my podcast because I would see, like, all these people that I admired, and I'm like, well, Jay Shetty already has one. And he talks like, what am I going to say that's any different and it's not going to be better? I mean, it's like, okay, thanks, Jay. He took it, you know, and so. And then. Or this person or that person. And the fact is, nobody taking anything from you. The only person that blocks your way is you. For 99% of things that you want in life, through time and effort, you actually can achieve them in your own way. And when you get so jealous, you rob yourself of the even more important truth about life, which is you're capable of changing your life for the better. You're capable of having a beautiful engagement. That is, that you're capable of, like. Because honestly, once you have the ring, like, you're still in the same relationship.

[Danielle]

And you just have to be the necklace. That's the thing. Like, I. Then I have to remind myself, like, what comes after that? It's like, actually, from what I hear, it's very stressful, like, to start the planning processes and stuff. So I'm like, I need to enjoy this time of my life. But it's easy to say that now when I'm, you know, of course.

[Mel Robbins]

But I think where you're going is you're jumping to. It's not going to happen, happen. And we do that. Oh, she got a new kitchen. I'm never going to have the white cabinets now, like, because I can't copy her, or she got a new car or look at that handbag. I'll never have that. That. That bitch. Like, no, let her. Because if you are starting to get triggered by it, that's very important. Because, like, for example, I'm never jealous of somebody that even lives in a penthouse in New York. I don't want to live here.

[Brooke]

I don't see you here.

[Mel Robbins]

I used to live here. I don't want to live here. And so I'm not jealous. Good for everybody. But if I were, I would go, oh, interesting. That's my ambition, and nobody owes me that. I owe it to myself. Like, instead of then getting angry because your parents didn't buy it for you or your significant other doesn't doesn't have a job in high banking. Look in the fucking mirror. You have the ability to create these things for yourself. Like, stop blaming your parents. Stop blaming the person that you're with, and look in the mirror and recognize that you, through your effort, can claim the things that you want and go work for them.

[Brooke]

I really like what you said about the copying thing about, like, oh, she got the white cabinet, so now I can't. I feel like we deal with this a lot on social media and just like, with our friends and everything. It's like, damn, she just did the, the wedding that I wanted or whatever it is. How do you. The destination I want to do or the.

[Danielle]

She just got this. Yeah, the, the bag that I wanted.

[Brooke]

Yeah. This literally happened the other day. Someone got the freaking shoes I want. Now if I get them, I feel like I've copied.

[Mel Robbins]

Said that. It's not copying inspiration. Yeah.

[Brooke]

So how do you reframe that in your head? It's like, no, this is just let.

[Mel Robbins]

Her buy the shoes and let me buy them too and let. I saw your shoes. I loved them. I got a pair. Goodbye. Like, that's it.

[Danielle]

And like, almost acknowledging it, like, and being like, yeah, you inspired me.

[Mel Robbins]

I absolutely love those shoes. I'm going to buy them.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you. And inspiring me. I, I have friends that are so fashionable, and I, I, I literally say to them, I love this outfit. I'm buying it.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I do that, too.

[Mel Robbins]

You're so amazing. Your fashion inspires me.

[Brooke]

And it's flattering.

[Danielle]

It definitely is weird.

[Mel Robbins]

And if somebody takes issue with it, here's what you do. Let them. And then notice what, what friend do you want to be friends with? Somebody that has a problem. Yeah. With you being inspired by their example.

[Brooke]

No, they should be.

[Danielle]

When you frame it like that, when it's, like, inspired. Yeah. You were inspired by them. Like, that's it. That's like, beautiful.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And if somebody's frustrated by it and they, okay, great. Thank you for telling me. I will. I'll be inspired by somebody else.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Not inspired by you anymore, that's for sure.

[Mel Robbins]

I just, like, you get to choose in life, and people are also allowed to have their opinions. Opinions about things.

[Brooke]

You're so right. And it's like, literally let them think that because you know what you, like, you just got excited about the shoes and you're like, oh, now she has.

[Mel Robbins]

Them too now, by the way, they've made more than one pair.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Literally. It's not one of a kind.

[Mel Robbins]

And aren't you guys influencers? Yeah. Don't you influence people? Like.

[Brooke]

Literally shop our ltk. I get so excited, like, if someone comes to me, like, I literally love your style. I buy anything that you talk about. Like, that's flattering.

[Mel Robbins]

And. And the other thing I want everybody to keep in mind is everybody is inspired by everybody else. Yeah, there's everybody. So one of the reasons why the let them theory has exploded is that the theory is new that I created. But this idea that you gain power and peace and you have so much less stress when you stop trying to control and change other people, that is been around since the beginning time. It's stoicism, it's Buddhism, it's radical acceptance. It's the serenity prayer. It's the things your parents and grandparents said. And so we know that this is true. But we get into these dynamics with other people that then make us stressed out and doubt ourselves. And when we're stressed and doubting ourselves, we don't remember that you can't control what somebody else thinks. You can't control if somebody else likes you. You can't control how somebody's going to treat you. And what you can control, though, is teaching yourself how to stop explaining away bad behavior, how to stop worrying about what everybody else thinks, because you can't control it anyway.

[Brooke]

You can't.

[Mel Robbins]

And really focus on showing up in a way where you know your intentions, you know you're a good person, you know what you meant. And there are some people in your life that are always gonna misunderstand you. Some people in your life who deserve an explanation, some people who don't. And you get to choose. And what I've noticed is this. So I didn't discover this let them and let me. Until I was 54, I spent my whole life bending over backwards to make sure that my friends were happy, make sure nobody's pissed off at me. Make sure, like, you know, if anybody's throwing the guilt trip that I'm going to change my plans. Because I don't want, you know, a friend who's turning 29 to be mad that I'm missing the Wednesday night party with 11 people who are gonna split the bill on a work night, and I don't get to talk to you.

[Brooke]

Classic, right?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. I don't even want to go. That's fine. Tell your friend I'm not gonna come. It's a busy week. But I want to take you to yoga and out to brunches.

[Brooke]

Like, more intimate, like one on if.

[Mel Robbins]

That'S what you want?

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And if she's pissy, let her be pissed at you. She's allowed to be pissed at you.

[Danielle]

Let them let.

[Mel Robbins]

And this is the piece, though, that everybody misses. This isn't about cutting people off and icing them out. Let them. Gives people the dignity of their own experience, and it gives them the space to have their own opinions without you needing to judge and change them. And then it forces you to learn how to see people as they are. And this is particularly important in relationships, because all of your frustration and problems in your relationship will come from you trying to control and change someone else, whether it's your mom and just wishing she were different. Your mom's been the same way her entire life.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

She's not changing.

[Brooke]

She's not changing now.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, she might change, but she's only changing if she's inspired to change for herself. And same thing with the people that you're in a relationship with. They are who they are. And if you can learn to let them be who they are and who they're not, this is the most important thing. You learn how to truly love and accept people. We think controlling and changing people is loving them. That's not loving someone is seeing them as they are and as they're not and just letting them be that way. And then you. You. The way you change other people is by changing yourself back to the weather, back to the energy.

[Danielle]

You gave such. In your book. You gave such a powerful example of this that, like, sticks with me. I'm like, the prom flower story.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, my God.

[Danielle]

Like, no. I think about this often, though, because, like, that is how I'm controlling and annoying. I'm scared to be a mom because I feel like that's gonna be me.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, well, you're doing it with your boyfriend, literally. No, you are, because you think there's the right time to get. Maybe he's saving more money.

[Danielle]

Oh, I know he is.

[Brooke]

Maybe that's the thing you have.

[Danielle]

I know.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, a poor guy. Is he gonna have to, like, leverage his life and take out a loan because the ring. He can afford to be good enough. Can you imagine the pressure?

[Brooke]

He is also, for reference, he is in med school.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

So he's like, you know, you can't.

[Mel Robbins]

Plan a wedding right now.

[Brooke]

Yeah. No, you literally can't. And you know that.

[Danielle]

Yeah, I know. But it can't control my feelings.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

When I.

[Mel Robbins]

Your feelings are valid.

[Danielle]

Thank you.

[Mel Robbins]

It's what you do with them.

[Danielle]

No, you're so right. I need to stop being a them. I'll say it like, you know, I get. I'm sure that you guys are like this, too. Maybe like, you around the people that you're comfortable with.

[Brooke]

You feel sometimes I'm the bitchiest. Exactly. Because you're comfortable. My poor mom. This morning I was like, you know, like, it just happens. It comes out because you're comfortable with them.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. You know, I think I always joke that, you know, the reason we have families is because it teaches you how to love people you hate sometimes.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And the thing you're going to need to remember in relationships is this. So I've just. My husband and I have been married for 29 years, and the thing to understand is you forget who you fell in love with, and you start to assume they've turned into some kind of asshole, and you forget that the person is really a good person and that's why you fell for them. And if you assume good intent and you assume that they're doing their best, then you stop taking all the little things that they're not doing exactly how you want them to do as a slight. And you just see it as part of a relationship. And when you're not, like, agitated and upset about everything, you can talk through things and things change versus sniping at each other. Like, most relationships die because it's like a death by a thousand cuts. You're not in control of your emotions. So you're bitchy when you come home because you just saw somebody get engaged online, and now you're pissed off that your person isn't motivated enough or doesn't have a big enough job or isn't this or isn't that, the other person feels it. It. And then you slowly start to distance yourself. And in any relationship that doesn't work, you can probably look backwards and go, oh, I now see that the person stopped trying six months before we broke up.

[Brooke]

How do you suggest. Like, I just moved in with my boyfriend. Just.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Brooke]

And, like, definitely. I'm very particular, you know, about all the little things, like where things go. And I'm really trying to not be sniper mode, because I don't think it's productive. But do you.

[Mel Robbins]

What's not fair? Yes.

[Brooke]

No, literally, you're so right. Like, we both live there. So do I.

[Mel Robbins]

Because this is the thing. I'm the one in the relationship that's messy.

[Brooke]

Okay. Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm the one that leaves a dish in the sink and then the pot, and then I walk away because I intend to come back. And then I forget I'm the One whose bathroom sink looks about.

[Brooke]

Bathroom sink?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Well, you know, looks like the Walgreens counter displayed over everything, everywhere. The toothpaste. It's disgusting. Like, I don't even like it myself. Chris doesn't like it either, and so you have to stop making him you.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

And I would just honestly sit down and go. Cause nobody wants to be somebody's parent. No, you want them to be your partner.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But you're not in a partnership if the way things need to be done is your way.

[Brooke]

Totally. It needs to be our way.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. So you gotta just. You gotta understand what is really important to you and why.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

And what is something that you can be a little bit more loose about.

[Brooke]

And maybe it's. I put the toothbrush back. Right. Like, if it bothers you so much, let me just put it back myself. Yes, college students, do you know you can turn the most complex topics into simplified ideas or hours of research into just minutes? How about turning class notes into practice quizzes that help you get the big idea? With Google Gemini, you can do all of that and more. The way I would have been all over Google Gemini in college. Like, it's actually not fair. Like, I'm so jealous that you guys have something like Google Gemini that you can utilize. Like, the idea of creating practice quizzes with a ton of my notes that I already took, like, that would be so nice. Because then it, like, helps you learn them in a different way rather than just studying the notes. You can even turn long reads into quick listens. Because what's better than a podcast? Students get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. But hurry, this offer ends soon. Sign up by October 6th to get free access to Gemini 2.5 Pro, unlimited image uploads, deep research notebook, LM, 2 TB of storage, and more. Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm Laura Lee.

[Danielle]

And I'm Manny Mua.

[Brooke]

We're OG social media influencers, beauty gurus, and absolute besties. And we host full coverage. We dish anything and everything. Pop culture, all the hottest tea, the juiciest gossip, beauty and fashion advice. And we literally have the best celeb guests. So follow rate and review your new favorite podcast. Full coverage with us, Laura Lee and Manny Mua on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Mel Robbins]

If it bothers you, you should. Yeah, it's like. And then you could, like. But there are other things that might be more helpful.

[Brooke]

Yeah, like others. Yeah. And he does like the the big. It's just like, those little things, and I'm like. Like, I feel like I gotta take this one for myself. Like, I can't be asking him to. What were you gonna say?

[Danielle]

I was gonna say, like, do you think I want to have Pokemon cards on my wall? Like, absolutely not. But, like, I made a compromise because I don't say compromise, because I needed to feel, like, his space, too. Like, I have all my girly things and my cutesy little. Like, God, I could let the guy have one piece. His previous place.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

That he, like, loves.

[Brooke]

I need to let him have a Georgia helmet somewhere.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. You don't want to become their mother.

[Brooke]

Yeah, no, I'm not. I should. I'm not.

[Mel Robbins]

And by the way, I'm just going to go on the record and say, a lot of us screwed this up with our sons. I'm going to make a sweeping generalization. But if you have a partner who is very close to his mother, she was probably like, me, and we mother them to death, and then we turn them over to you. And they're not able to cook or they're not able to, you know, because they're used to someone else doing everything.

[Brooke]

True.

[Mel Robbins]

And so you have to also understand there's a major difference between skills that somebody learns and their actual personality and disposition. So anybody can learn how to make a bed. Anybody can learn how to cook. Anybody can learn how to fold clothes and do laundry. Anybody can learn how to enjoy nicer meals and nicer restaurants. Anybody can learn how to get in better shape. Anybody can learn how to have a budget. And so you gotta be also very clear that they're the most important things in a relationship. I say this to our kids, who are 26, 25, and 20, our demographic. Yep. So the most important thing in a relationship is this. Do they feel like home? Can you walk through the door and exhale? You know that. You know, like, when you play tag as a kid and there's a safe base.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

That's your partner. And so if you've got, what, 80% of the right things, which are. Are they loyal? Do you feel like they're home? Do your shoulders drop and you exhale when you get a text? Are you like, oh, that's my person? Do they have lifelong friends? Do they have good relationships with family? Do they treat people well when you're out? If you got that, you've hit the fucking jackpot. But everything else in life is a skill, and somebody can learn it. And if they don't have it, like, talk about it, like getting teary eyed. It's.

[Danielle]

Oh, my God.

[Brooke]

It's just.

[Danielle]

No, it's so.

[Mel Robbins]

But it's true about friends, too.

[Brooke]

It's just like everyone in your life, 80%, like, they're just.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, yeah. And. And there was somebody that came ON Our podcast, Dr. Stuart Avalon, that said this thing that I wish I had known decades before. He's a psychologist at Mass General Brigham, the number one research hospital in the world, and he specializes in clinical psychology with kids. And he said kids do well when they can, and if somebody's challenging, it's because they're missing a skill. That's it. And I believe all people do well when they can and that people want to do well and they want to succeed in the relationship. And you've got all the stuff that you, you can't teach somebody. Character, character. They have to build that for themselves. If you've got somebody that has character and that emotionally they're enter you just like, oh, when you're with that person, even you're like, oh, oh, my God, your breast stinks and your teeth are yelling. What the. Like, like all that stuff can change. They want to do well. If they can't, they'd love to be able to cook. Maybe they didn't grow up in a house where they did.

[Brooke]

They want to be the best they can be. You're sorry? Everyone wants to be the best they can be.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And so, like, stop annihilating people because they don't have the skills that you're expecting. And, you know, I also say this to our daughters. You guys idolize your dad. He's 29 years in the making. Okay. Like, okay. When I got him at the age of 25 here in New York City, that is not the man that you see now. He was a wonderful person with all the 80%.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But he was the youngest of three. Like, he, like, he had a lot of skills to build.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

But he's a guy that wanted to learn and wanted to grow, and so they don't. Your person shouldn't come fully baked, but if you got the right ingredients, you can make something amazing.

[Brooke]

My job, this was just.

[Danielle]

This was. I mean, I could keep going for, on and on. Literally, this was like, truly, like, perspective shifts. I hope everybody listening has also had a perspective shift because I think it's very easy to just go about in your 20s, like a lot of your day. Sometimes you could feel agitated and stressed out or whatever, like, triggered, as I said. And I feel like sometimes you just need to hear it straight.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, and here's the other thing. A couple things I want to say. First of all, I want to validate. Your 20s are going to be the most stressful, based on research of your entire life. And there's a reason why. It's because the four major things in life are, like, in progress. Work, money, your relationship, status, and your identity in terms of knowing who you are. All four of those things up in the air.

[Brooke]

It's all happening.

[Mel Robbins]

It's all happening. And so you got to give yourself some grace and expect it because you're gonna have a ton of firsts, you're gonna have a lot of worsts, and you're just figuring it out. So that's number one. Number two, I think it's very important for you to understand that this is also the first 10 years that you're working have the biggest impact on your earning potential. And so I do think that you should take risks. I do think that you should try a lot of things. But I don't think that this is some big party to just bounce around and do whatever for 10 years. I think it's very important for you to understand that you are collecting experiences and skills and most importantly, relationships at work, because those will all lead to something else. Another thing to consider as to why it's stressful is 80% of the biggest life experiences are going to happen to you before you turn 35. Whoa.

[Danielle]

80%?

[Mel Robbins]

80%.

[Danielle]

Well, think about it.

[Mel Robbins]

What happens? Most people get married. People, like, have their first child. Most people move somewhere.

[Danielle]

True.

[Mel Robbins]

Most people are going to change jobs like crazy.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so having this perspective that this is a decade where I really want you to lean in and grow, and a lot of people make a lot of mistakes. First of all, you spend too much time comparing yourself to other people instead of spending time getting to know yourself.

[Danielle]

How do we get to know ourselves?

[Mel Robbins]

Spend some time alone. Why do you. What do we do when we're alone?

[Danielle]

Like, because I feel like I'm constantly consuming content and I need to work on that.

[Mel Robbins]

Get outside, go to a class or a lecture alone. Show up at that running club alone. Go out to dinner alone. Read a book on a Saturday in the park alone.

[Brooke]

So, like, experiences alone.

[Mel Robbins]

Because if you're always distracting yourself, you don't know yourself. And so when you are alone and you start to notice, well, what books do I kind of like? Cause so many. We are wired to fit in. Okay. There's brain wiring around fitting in that if you feel like you're on the outside, your brain sends a signal that feels like pain. That's why everybody dresses the same. That's why everybody's doing the same thing. That's why everybody's looking at. At every example online and trying to morph their life into it. There's a better way to go through life instead of trying to fit in and be the same. Figure out who you are, being more authentic to who you are. What kind of comedy do you like? What kind of music do you like? And note it. And this is the time to figure it out. And if you're always online or you're always looking outside yourself, you never have the time to check in and go, do I actually feel like myself?

[Brooke]

Am I having fun?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Another thing I want you to do is date the person in front of you. Not the potential.

[Brooke]

Love that.

[Mel Robbins]

Because the person in front of you, if they got 80% of it, we're good.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

No, you're so right. I have a lot of friends who make. They compensate, I think. Overcompensate. They'll be like, you know, he parties all the time, but he's a great guy. Like. And I'm like, okay, but I know.

[Mel Robbins]

Stop explaining away.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, you have to. But see, this is the thing. Let him be himself and then come back here and ask yourself, is this what I actually want? See, everybody gets into the danger of sliding into something because you see all those little warning signs, and you live in a fantasy in your head where you explain it away and you make it okay. When you start to see things that are not okay, that are the core things, like, they don't align with my values. I don't actually feel like I can be myself with this person. I'm always performing. Like, that's. Get the fuck out. Yeah, they are making me. Staying with this person makes me compromise on something that's important to me. Giving up on your dreams because of someone else is the single biggest reason people get divorced. Because it leads to resentment.

[Brooke]

Makes sense.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, I didn't do this thing because of you. And then you carry that. And so if you're with somebody where you are not, you have to give up on a dream of yours. You're not with the right person. If you are with somebody that makes you compromise on core values, you are not with the right person. If you are with somebody who you do not feel like you can be yourself with. Like, you're afraid for them to see you without makeup on in the morning. Get out. Get out. Because you are in a fantasy about what this is going to be instead of accepting and recognize the reality of what you're actually in.

[Brooke]

Wow. This is. Mel, thank you so much for being here.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, I feel like it was all bad news. Like. Like, I think.

[Danielle]

Wait.

[Mel Robbins]

I want to end by saying you are capable of changing your life for the better, and I'm going to prove it to you right now. If I asked you to write down 10 things that would make your life worse, could you do it?

[Brooke]

10 things that would make my life worse?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. How could you ruin your life? Yeah, of course.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So you can come up with 10 ways to make your life better.

[Brooke]

I love that.

[Danielle]

Oh, that is inspiring. No, I mean, everyone who knows you knows that. Like, I feel like I don't even want to say you do tough love, because it's not.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, it is. You think everybody wants to hear it. Everyone's like, I love this. And then they go back to doing, oh, let me look at my phone for, excuse me, six hours, and then wonder why I'm miserable.

[Brooke]

No, we're gonna. We're gonna check in with each other next week, and we need to do.

[Danielle]

We need to.

[Mel Robbins]

We'll be on each other and one other hack right now in your 20s to master. Get a morning routine.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because how you start your day is how it ends.

[Brooke]

We love that.

[Mel Robbins]

And it's the only part of your day you can control.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So start with the morning. What are five things that. If you were to do these most mornings, you're not a robot. So just five days a week, you were to do these things. What time do you wake up? What is the first thing that you do? What is the next thing that you do? Like, what is it that makes you feel like you. If you can carve out 30 lousy minutes for yourself and you know your friend Mel Robin's gonna tell you, don't look at your fucking phone.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

Because the second you look at your phone. Strangers. No, it's not even that. What happens is this. Imagine you're in your bedroom and the alarm goes off. You pick up your phone. Now imagine your boss and 500 strangers are standing in your bedroom and the president. And like. Because that's what just happened. Because that everything on your phone just went to the front of your mind.

[Brooke]

You're so. Right. Just. We're all in here together now.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And so this is why you feel out of control. Because you have not even carved out 30 minutes in the morning to do something that makes you feel like yourself. And what I love about starting with the morning is a simple thing you can do. And for me it's. The alarm rings. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Get out of bed.

[Brooke]

Love that we do that.

[Mel Robbins]

Then I make my bed. Then I go into the bathroom and it sounds cheesy, but I look in the mirror. I high five myself in the mirror. To send myself into the day, I think of the one thing that is important for me to focus on above all things, just one. Because the day's about to get hijacked. What's the one thing that I need to do today that I'm going to end the day knowing? Whatever. I always take a walk for 10 minutes minimum. And I tell myself, today's gonna be a good day. Today's gonna be a good day because I'm gonna make it a good day. I'm gonna find one thing that's gonna be a good day. You can make your morning routine anything you want. I just want it to be something that makes you feel like you. And what's great is if you go on a two week or a two month like spender or whatever of bad relationships, you can come back to it. It's like a mini reset every morning to help you find your power and yourself. And I wish I had had it in my 20s.

[Brooke]

Well, thank you for that tip.

[Danielle]

Danielle loves a morning routine. She's very.

[Brooke]

I did your morning routine. You actually commented. I was really excited and it was great. I love high fiving myself.

[Danielle]

So I love the mantra idea too. Like the things that you could, I know you're big on. Like the things you could tell yourself. Not just like to be cornier but like actually because it becomes corny.

[Mel Robbins]

It's a spotlight. Your brain is looking for instruction. Either the phone and the news and everybody else is going to program and tell your brain what to look for today. Or you're going to say, today's gonna be a good day. Now let's go do that.

[Brooke]

And today's gonna be a good day.

[Mel Robbins]

Today's gonna be a good day. Thank you for having me on.

[Brooke]

This was such a joy. We will have everywhere that you can follow Mel down below. But the let them theory at Mel Robbins. Right. What's your everything?

[Mel Robbins]

Anything.

[Brooke]

Podcast it all, whatever.

[Danielle]

Buy the book, read the book. If you haven't already.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, because everybody else is buying the book and reading the book and using on you. Yeah. And it'll make your relationship true.

[Brooke]

It'll make the the world better. Mel's just making the world better.

[Mel Robbins]

No, you got everybody is doing their part. It like that like it. Like. What I love about this is that when you make yourself better, it has a positive ripple effect that changes everything. So it starts with you.

[Brooke]

It starts with you. And we're gonna have a good day today.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, we.

[Brooke]

We love you guys. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you guys next week.

[Mel Robbins]

Bye.

[Danielle]

This October, fear is free on Pluto tv. With horror movie collections from Paranormal Activity, the ring.

[Brooke]

You will die in seven days. Scream.

[Danielle]

And from dusk till dawn.

[Mel Robbins]

This is my kind of place. And don't miss the man made nightmares.

[Danielle]

In Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Or the world ending chaos in 28 days later.

[Brooke]

Something in the blood. All the scares, all for free.

[Danielle]

Pluto tv stream now pay never.