Garage Logic – MISCHKE: Give Me The News

Episode Date: March 27, 2026
Host: Tommy Mischke (with listener call-ins: Clark and Harris)
Podcast Network: Gamut Podcast Network

Episode Overview

In this episode of "Garage Logic," Tommy Mischke delivers an eccentric, free-associative approach to the day's "news," blending real headlines with characteristically whimsical and philosophical asides. Mischke weaves stories of unlikely news items, reflections on mortality and common sense, and phone calls with listeners—all grounded in the show’s trademark Midwestern humor and appreciation for gumption and everyday absurdity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining News: Unusual Headlines

(03:00 – 09:30)

Mischke opens by questioning traditional definitions of news, preferring the offbeat over the sensational, exemplified by a bizarre headline:
- Headline: "Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Player Fatally Shoots Man."
- Mischke riffs on the improbable nature of the headline, humorously pondering what other unlikely "quadruple amputee" stories might rise to the top of the news cycle.
- Quote: "He's a quadruple amputee. You put that in any headline in America, and I'm probably reading that story." (04:06)

2. Reflections on Mortality and Obituaries

(09:30 – 15:00)

A second strange headline: "Cheerleading Mogul Dies in Pickleball Accident."
- Mischke tells the story of Jeff Webb, an innovator in cheerleading who died unexpectedly, and muses on how the manner of one’s death becomes the last defining headline.
- Quote: "I don't want at the end of my life to have the last headline about me say I died in a pickleball accident. If I could get out of this world without the headline 'Mischke dies in pickleball accident,' that would be swell." (12:05)
Personal story about his grandfather's death, the reality versus the obituary, and the power of how family narrative shapes legacy.
- Quote: "Spouses always get final say on obits, kid." (14:00)
Philosophical aside on dying peacefully in sleep as the universal (but rare) human wish, and musings on the "cousinhood" of sleep and death, nodding to a Nas lyric: "I never sleep 'cause sleep is the cousin of death." (15:04)

3. The Figure of the “Funny Uncle” and Family Dynamics

(16:00 – 18:00)

Mischke recalls a "Dear Abby" column about keeping children clothed around "funny uncles," unpacking the term’s historical euphemism and the oddities of family reputations.
Through banter, he pokes at generational and familial suspicions, blending humor with critique of outdated stereotypes.

4. The Psychology and History of the Rebel Yell

(17:30 – 25:03)

In-depth, narrative-driven segment about the Confederate “rebel yell.”
- Mischke recounts how the yell was used as psychological warfare in the Civil War, sharing original recordings and discussing its impact on Union soldiers.
- Explores the cultural origins of the yell (Scots-Irish, Native American war whoops, fox hunts).
- Memorable Narration Quote:
  "It was not a cheer. It was not a shout. It was something primal, a high-pitched, wavering scream that Union soldiers described as a peculiar corkscrew sensation that went up your spine." (22:12)
Contrasts the chaos of the yell with the Roman habit of charging in silence—a meditation on discipline versus frenzy in warfare.

5. The Soundtrack of Life (Music, Battle, and Peace)

(25:15 – 28:45)

Mischke associates military bugles (reveille, taps) with personal memories of summer camp, exploring the evolution of battle music and how sound shapes emotion.
- Tells the story behind "Taps" and briefly recites its bittersweet lyrics, reflecting on peace, loss, and the passage of time.

Listener Calls Segment

A. Call with Clark

(35:00 – 54:15)

Quirky Banter and Philosophy

Clark is randomly selected for a call, and their conversation ranges from the oddity of phone screening (and the weirdness of digital assistants) to patterns of human nature and finding calm.
Mischke jokes about deep breathing, using an extended Hitler bit to mock self-help advice.

Names, Family, and Identity

Discussion on the origins of Clark’s name, its meaning, and the arbitrariness of naming conventions.
- "The name Clark originates from Old English, meaning a scholar, a scribe or a clergyman." (42:00)
Reflects on common sense and how it is a product of early life conditioning.
- Quote: "Common sense is the prejudices we acquire by the age of 18." (44:40, attributed to Einstein)

Clark’s Life: Work, Dogs, and Ecstasy (or Lack Thereof)

Clark describes his work as a parts manager, hobbies (property up north, dogs named Olive, Otto, and Gizmo).
Mischke gently interrogates Clark on whether he has ever felt true ecstasy or overwhelming joy—Clark struggles to recall any such moment.
Mischke shares his own childhood story: Opening a pack of baseball cards and finding local heroes, marking it as "the happiest day of my life." (52:00)
Ultimately, Clark admits that losing his virginity would likely be his most ecstatic memory.

B. Call with Harris

(56:00 – 65:02)

Winter Crud, Work, and Family

Mischke calls Harris, who shares stories from life as a window salesman—specifically, the realities of spending long days in a work truck and the (sometimes gross) “winter crud” that accumulates.

Life Journey and Resilience

Harris shares an unexpectedly poignant personal story:
- Grew up in New Jersey, moved to Minnesota after parents’ divorce, sent back alone as a teen to live by himself.
- Discovered his stepfather’s infidelity using a clever (and heartbreaking) method: tying his skates to check for signs of actual hockey playing.
- Hosted high school parties, eventually moved back, married, and built a life in Minnesota.
Mischke underscores the resilience in Harris’s story while keeping a comic spin on the tragicomic family dynamics.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“If I had a nickel for every quadruple amputee cornhole player I've stumbled upon in this crazy life of mine.” (05:50, Mischke)
"Every large family seems to have at least one funny uncle. Funny uncle was apparently a term for uncles you want to keep away from the children." (16:38, Mischke)
“The most terrifying weapon the Confederacy had was not something they could hold in their hands. It was something they made with their voices.” (24:00, Narrator)
“Common sense is the prejudices we acquire by the age of 18.” (44:40, Mischke quoting Einstein)
“When my dad died, they put my stepmother’s photo in the obituary instead of my father’s. Spouses always get final say on obits, kid.” (14:00, Mischke)
[On Clark’s lack of ecstasy] “I am never going to get over the fact that we couldn't find a moment in your life of ecstasy. I feel like going back to childhood and finding Clark at 11 years old.” (51:12, Mischke)
Harris’s story of uncovering his stepfather’s affair: “I went and tied his skates in a certain way that if he played hockey, I would have noted. And then I looked at the skates on Friday morning, and they were the way I tied them.” (62:00, Harris)

Important Timestamps

| Segment | Topic | Start Time | |---------|-------|------------| | Unusual News Headlines | Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Player | 03:00 | | Mortality & Obituaries | Cheerleading mogul, dying in sleep | 09:30 | | The “Funny Uncle” | Family oddities | 16:00 | | Rebel Yell History | Psychological warfare & folklore | 17:30 | | Sound in War & Peace | Military music, Taps | 25:15 | | Call with Clark | Names, common sense | 35:00 | | Mischke’s Childhood Ecstasy | Baseball cards story | 52:00 | | Call with Harris | Winter crud & family saga | 56:00 |

Episode Tone & Style

The episode is vintage Mischke—rambling, reflective, absurdist, and laced with dark humor and compassion. Mischke’s dialogue has a loose improvisational rhythm: he moves from surreal news to personal memories, then into philosophical musings all while keeping the listener off-balance and entertained. The listener calls add human warmth and humility, grounding the show in everyday reality, even as the host luxuriates in the strange and singular.

Summary:
For fans of oddball news, philosophical tangents, and candid, sometimes bittersweet human stories, this episode is a classic slice of Garage Logic—where “the news” is a launching pad for reflection on life’s unpredictability, the strangeness of family, the limits of common sense, and the unusual joys (and woes) of Minnesota life.

Transcript

Tommy (0:00)

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Clark (0:58)

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Tommy (1:00)

visit quattrodog.com 10 rounds of golf for $99 Yep, the Minnesota Golf Passport is back and available now. Play at each of these great area courses. Elk River Golf Club, Bullrush, Chamonix, Purple Hawk, Golden Eagle, Legacy Golf, Birchwood Golf Course, Gopher Hills, Lake Pepin golf course and Mount Frontenac. Go to garagelogic.com keyword passport for your 26 Minnesota Golf Passport. I'm a newsman, and this here is the news. It's not the same news you would get elsewhere, but that doesn't change the fact that it's news. How do we define news in this world? Dog bites man. That's not news. Man bites dog. Now that's news. You see, using that definition, I'm a newsman, and my name's Mishki. In the world of news, they say if it bleeds, it leads. It's no different. Here I've got a headline for you. Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Player Fatally Shoots Man. That's a real headline from a serious media outlet in the United States. Quadruple Amputee Cornhole Player Fatally Shoots Man. Now, I'm not saying there's a band out there in need of a name, and I've got your name. But let's face it, I've got your name. You start in a band, you could do a lot worse than Quadruple Amputee Cornhole player. Anybody out there with a new garage band? Qacp. That's your band. Quadruple Amputee Cornhole player. He's a quadruple amputee. You put that in any headline in America, and I'm probably reading that story. Quadruple Amputee climbs Everest. I'm reading it. Just want to see how he did it. Quadruple amputee featured on The Bachelorette. The NFL's first quadruple amputee taken in the third round of this year's draft. Quadruple amputee enjoys kite flying. He enjoys both flying a kite and from time to time, being the kite being flown. No, I'm not going to do anything with this story beyond let you know that a quadruple amputee cornhole player fatally shot a man. The quadruple amputee wrestled with the gun first trying to get a hold of it. That took half the day. When he eventually successfully did manipulate the gun, he was able to aim it and fatally shoot a man while he played cornhole. If I had a nickel for every quadruple amputee cornhole player I've stumbled upon in this crazy life of mine. Did anybody out there happen to hear the mayor say today's been named quadruple amputee corn whole player day. As a newsman, I feel the need to get to more news. Here's another story with an interesting headline. Cheerleading mogul dies in pickleball accident. It's a real headline. First of all, there are cheerleading moguls. Didn't know that was a thing. Maybe it's not anymore. This might have been the only one in the world. And he's dead. Cheerleading Mogul dies in pickleball accident. His name's Jeff Webb, or was. He was born in Dallas, Texas, in the late 40s. Attended the university of Oklahoma, where he served as a yell leader for the school's cheer squad. This is from his obit, people. I'm not making this up. He served as a yell leader for the school's cheerleading squad. Yell Y E L L. He was the yell leader. I didn't know that was a position either. I thought cheerleading meant you got the pom poms and you did a little movement. Shook your money maker. You know what I'm saying? No. There's yelling, and someone's got to lead that. So. Jeff Webb did that at the University of Oklahoma. And he liked it so much that after he got out of college, instead of going to law school, he had planned to go to law school. He accepted an offer to work for the National Cheerleaders association, and that launched his whole business career. He was credited with modernizing cheerleading by making it more competitive and by introducing new uniform designs. He founded and served as the president of the International Cheerleading Union, the world governing body for the sport of Cheerleading. I didn't know all of this existed. I've been out of the cheerleading loop. It all started for Jeff Webb when someone said, jeff, we're going to need a yell leader. He was in college, getting stoned in his dorm, didn't know what to do with his day, ended up spending the afternoon as a yell leader. And here he dies late in life in a pickleball accident, a sport that doesn't even have cheerleaders. An ignominious end for Jeff Webb. I don't want at the end of my life to have the last headline about me say I died in a pickleball accident. If I could get out of this world without the headline mishki dies in pickleball accident. That would be swell. I think the key for me is to never play pickleball. So far, so good on that. I don't want to read how you can die playing pickleball. I feel badly for Jeff, mostly because of the headline, the death too. But the headline, that's the last headline we're going to get about Jeff. To me, it's like reading the headline man dies in charades fiasco. In my perfect world, we would all grow old and die in our sleep. There would be no interesting headlines about death. We would just all die in our sleep when we're old. Doesn't that sound so lovely? That could be the headline. Older fella passes away in the midst of lovely midwinter slumber. What a beautiful thing to read in the morning. Grab your cup of coffee, you read the news. Older fella passes away in midst of a lovely midwinter slumber. I read today in my research that only a small minority of people actually go to sleep at night when they're old and failed to wake up. And yet that is what the vast majority of older people long for. That exact type of death in surveys. That's what old people want. And so few get it. I remember when my grandpa died in his sleep. He was quite old. And I said to my dad afterward, well, that was kinda nice, pop, huh? What a sweet way to go. And my dad said, ordinarily I'd agree with you, son, but earlier in the day I had been working on your grandfather's furnace and I left a shut off valve open. Yeah, he died in his sleep, but he died in his sleep from carbon monoxide poisoning. I said to my dad, well, I'd leave that part out of the obit. Just mention that grandpa died in his sleep. My dad said, ordinarily I would do that, son. But his wife, my stepmother, is pretty pissed off right now and she plans to have that carbon monoxide thing front and center in the newspaper. Spouses always get final say on obits, kid. Well, she doesn't have to mention it was you, dad. Oh, she's not only mentioning me, son. She's putting my photo in the obituary instead of her husband's. Instead of my dad's. My photo is going to be there. Wow, dad. Yikes. Well, the important thing is that your dad died in his sleep. That's what matters. That's what really matters, son. Did I mention that I purposely left the shut off valve open to get even with my old man for the mistreatment I dealt with growing up? All those violent outbursts of his. God, Dad, I know that murder clouds the issue, but your father died as an old guy in his sleep. And that's what we have to keep emphasizing, I think. Well, I'm going to count on you to emphasize that, son. I'm going to need you to be the one, because I'm. I'm having to go now. The police are at the front door. Okay, dad. I'll. I'll tell the neighbors. It was a beautiful death. Just. Just a beautiful death. I'll try to get to him before your stepmom does. Have you guys heard the work of the rapper Nass n a S? He has a song with the line, I never sleep cuz sleep is the cousin of. Of death. That's a line in his song. I've never heard of that before. Sleep being referred to as the cousin of death. Who are Death's other relatives? Do we know if sleep is Death's cousin? Who's Death's dad? I know the quadruple amputee cornhole player fatally shot a guy who's Death's funny uncle. Do you think a persistent vegetative state. That's Death's funny uncle. Years and years ago when I was on the radio, I used to read Dear Abby regularly. We had a Dear Abby feature. And there was a letter one time that came into Dear Abbey where a family member was concerned, because at Thanksgiving they allowed one of the little kids to run around without clothes on. And they were writing Abby saying, you think that's wise to let a kid run around without clothes on, even if it's a little baby like that? And Abby said, you should always keep the clothes on the children at family gatherings because you never know if there's a funny uncle around. And she was inundated with letters, mostly from, well, uncles, uncles. Who didn't like the inference. I found it odd, and I said this back then on the radio, that she thought that was funny. Whatever these uncles were up to, why did she call them funny uncles? In another Dear Abbey column on another day, she said, every large family seems to have at least one funny uncle. Funny uncle was apparently a term for uncles. You want to keep away from the children. How does it come up in large families when there's some concern that there might be a funny uncle around? There's something funny about Rick. Not ha ha funny either. Just. Just kind of funny, you know? How do you suppose the deal is with Uncle Rick? I don't know, Tim. Well, look at him. Don't you think there's something. I don't know. Funny about him, Tim? What are you saying? He's not right? Not 100% right. Something's off. Tim, you stop that. Uncle Rick has Elephant man syndrome. He can't help that. It's been that way from birth. I'm not talking about his Elephant man syndrome. Well, what then, Tim? When he gets to drinking, he. Well, just look at him. What is he doing over there? You should have the young ones keep their distance. Well, Tim, the young ones keep their distance anyway. Cause Uncle Rick has Elephant man syndrome. Well, the kids shouldn't stay away for that reason. I mean, Uncle Rick can't help his appearance. I think Uncle Rick's appearance is badass, frankly. I just think there's something a little off about him. He might be this family's funny uncle. Every large family has one. Brad Shaw and Brian are personal injury attorneys. Now, the injury has to be personal. It can't be an injury you're experiencing for someone else. It has to be your own. I've taken on injuries for dozens of people, but that's a very different thing. A personal injury is an injury you have yourself. You. Something's happened to you due to the carelessness, the callousness, the recklessness of another. Did you have a slip and fall at some business? There's some injuries there you don't have to take lying down. Was there a defective product you dealt with? Don't just return it for your $15 back. Take them to court. It can mean quite a windfall. Yeah, there can be quite a few dollars heading in your direction. And with Bradshaw and Bryant, you're more likely to get them than with anyone else because they're the top personal injury attorneys in the state of Minnesota and everybody knows it. If you're injured, Bradshaw and Brian are superheroes. What you got to remember is Minnesota Personal injury dot com.