MISCHKE: Hair Snakes Wigs Jobs

Summary

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Garage Logic – "MISCHKE: Hair Snakes Wigs Jobs"

Date: March 5, 2026
Host: Tommy Mischke (appearing as "Mischke")
Guests/Callers: Bird Town (Perry), Listener from Duluth, Parole Officer Brian
Episode Theme: Wandering the odd places and surreal intersections of everyday life—junk mail, the realities of suburban sameness, wigs, human hair, jobs, and unexpected happiness—through Mischke’s irreverent calls, musings, and tangents.

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Episode Overview

This episode of Garage Logic, led by the ever-inventive Tommy Mischke, embraces the quirky details of daily life by investigating junk mail ads, calling eccentric shops, and delving into the lives of listeners. The central thread is Mischke’s fascination with the oddities suggested by a junk mail coupon for "Hair plus Wigs," leading into a series of absurdist prank calls and reflections on the meaning of happiness, work, and existence. As always, Mischke’s conversations veer from the deeply personal to the wildly whimsical, striking a balance of satire, nostalgia, and empathy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Wonders and Surprises of Junk Mail

Timestamp: 02:06–08:53

• Mischke opens the mail on air, feigning delight at a coupon for a business called "Hair plus Wigs."
• He riffs hilariously on how poorly named the shop is and imagines the sort of person who would grow up aspiring to sell "random hair."
• Drives the idea into the ground with imagined dialogues:
  • “All kids want to be hair and wig salespeople when they're real young. Before the powers that be cram doctor and lawyer down their throat.”
• Invents a surreal world where every neighborhood shop adopts the ‘plus’ naming convention: Guns plus Doilies, Candy plus Construction Plywood, etc.

2. Prank Calls to ‘Hair plus Wigs’

Timestamps: 08:53–13:05

• Mischke attempts to buy “random hair” from both suburban and city locations, baffling store employees with requests for bulk human hair, braiding hair, horse hair, and even hair for DIY insulation and a prom dress.
• Classic Mischke exchanges:
  • “I want hair.” “What kind of hair are you looking for?” “Real hair?” (09:17)
  • “Samson. In the Bible, he was selling his hair for insulation routinely.” (12:29)
• Despite confusion, Mischke uncovers the reality: the stores mainly sell wigs, some braiding hair, and have very little actual bulk human hair for sale.
• The segment satirizes our modern penchant for literalism and the absurdity of signs and branding.

3. Listener Calls – Exploring Life Choices & Longevity

a. Interview with Bird Town (Perry)

Timestamps: 16:53–26:24; 39:58–41:52

• Mischke rings up Bird Town, a listener originally from Minnesota ("Robbinsdale" aka "Birdtown"), now living in Southern California.
• Explores why Perry moved (“I was tired of winter”) and needles him about how sameness and comfort can reduce life expectancy. Mischke claims research supports the health benefits of enduring cold.
• Candid relationship questions: “Are you single?...What went wrong?”
• Perry reveals he was bitten by a rattlesnake in California, detailing the pain, fear, and outrageous cost of antivenom ($13,000+):
  • “My lips begin to swell, your tongue gets fat, your hands can't grip the steering wheel. That's why I stopped driving...” (21:51)
  • Mischke riffs on the possibility of being bitten by a “cowboy with rattlesnake boots” or one in a “shark skin suit,” taking the interview into the realm of surreal humor.

b. Interview with Listener from Duluth

Timestamps: 32:40–39:27

• Another call with a listener currently working at a local restaurant, despite a degree in criminal justice.
• “What did you want to be? A cop?” (33:41)
• Listener aspires to be a probation officer; admires the ‘safer’ side of the justice system and the fulfillment of seeing second chances succeed.
• Mischke launches into a darkly comic fantasy about the best part of being a cop (“…shooting him dead and going back to drinking my beer…that’s when I’d say to myself, this right here, right now, is why I became a cop.” (35:30))
• Ends by offering his “Bosnian emotional support rock” to the listener, riffing on loneliness and support in comically tragic fashion.

c. Parole Officer Brian’s Story

Timestamps: 41:52–49:32

• Parole Officer Brian shares his own career path: 15 years as a prison guard before switching to parole work.
• Details the trials (literal and figurative) of working in corrections: “Urine, crap, blood.” (46:50)
• Mischke bounces between incredulity and empathy, affirming Brian’s gentle personality might not fit the prison environment, but shines in parole work.

4. Mischke’s Reflections on Happiness & Childhood

Timestamp: 51:07–End

• Mischke ends the episode with an evocative story about interviewing a nearly 100-year-old man who’d raced horses down what’s now Lexington Avenue as a child.
  • The man, in his old age, tries to recall “happy days,” but just repeats “happy, happy, happy, happy…” instead.
  • Mischke interprets the underlying message: happiness is fundamental, transcending words and changes over time.
• Proposes the concept of a podcast “Kids Playing in the Dirt,” as the elemental form of childhood joy and continuity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Junk Mail:
  “Personal letters…those are the ones that get chucked into the dust bin…Reading those is like the sound of a dripping faucet. Give me junk mail any day of the week. That’s where the fun is.” (02:09, Mischke)
• On Odd Businesses:
  “The building was then purchased by a fella who sold fingernails and toenails plus roofing nails. He loved the whole idea of a plus in the sign.” (~07:00, Mischke)
• On Southern California vs. Minnesota:
  “There’s actually a ton of research that shows the importance of not being in a place where the temperatures are the same if you want to have a long life.” (18:09, Mischke)
• On the Price of Antivenom:
  “It was like $13,000 for antivenom. They want to make sure they get it right…two pharmacists check it out.” (22:50, Perry)
• Surrealistic Humor:
  “You’re walking through the desert, you come across a snake and it’s got a little skirt on made of human skin. Wouldn’t that freak you out?” (25:01, Mischke)
• Reflecting on Policing:
  “The best part of being a cop? Coming home…Barney from across the street walking my way—hey, Misko, could you maybe help me with this ticket? And then just shooting him dead and going back to drinking my beer…” (35:30, Mischke)
• About Old Age and Happiness:
  “Those were happy…happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.” (51:58, Mischke/Old Man)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment Description | | ------------ | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | 02:06–08:53 | Junk mail and the "Hair plus Wigs" business riff | | 08:53–13:05 | Prank calls to Hair plus Wigs stores | | 16:53–26:26 | Call with Bird Town (life in California, snakebite story, existential musings) | | 32:40–39:27 | Listener from Duluth (life choices, being a cop, emotional support rock) | | 41:52–49:32 | Parole Officer Brian (prison life, career change, finding meaning in work) | | 51:07–End | Mischke’s story about the old man & the essence of childhood happiness |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Mischke’s voice veers from whimsical and absurdist to achingly sincere and reflective.
• Banter is laced with deadpan Midwestern humor and existential curiosity.
• The episode often pivots from rapid-fire comedy to a poignant, sometimes melancholy sense of longing and hope for ordinary people.

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Takeaway

"MISCHKE: Hair Snakes Wigs Jobs" is quintessential Mischke—a surreal ride through the forgotten corners of everyday life, the odd jobs nobody thinks about as a kid, the strange businesses you pass every day, and the deeper yearning for happiness and meaning beneath the mundane. Mischke makes a sympathetic case for junk mail, laughter in the face of disappointment, and the enduring value of simply being happy, even if you can’t quite recall the word for it.

Transcript

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[Tommy Mischke]

I think we've identified very clearly that there are major issues here. The problem is the rebrand backfired.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

People were confused.

[Podcast Host]

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[Parole Officer Brian]

I like that idea.

[Tommy Mischke]

I love that.

[Podcast Host]

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[Tommy Mischke]

They call me Mishki. I said a shooby dooby doobie dooby doo I said a shooby dooby doo. Clicked and schlockin.

[Listener from Duluth]

Fortune.

[Tommy Mischke]

Another show. One in a long line of shows. It's been show city for years and we're here to do more of it. Just one show after another. Can you take it? Cause I can make it. I'll make a show right now. Give me that again. And again. And one more time. And for good measure. All right, brought in my mail. Let's see what we have here. Grabbed it on the way out the door before racing down the bleak, barren tarmac to the old outpost. Just going through it now, tossing out everything but the junk mail. A lot of people toss the junk mail, but not me. That's where the fun is. That's where the surprises are to be found. Personal letters. Those are the ones that get chucked into the dust bin. I don't Even open them. I don't open personal letters. Yuck. I say. Reading those is like. Well, it's like the sound of a dripping faucet. You know what I'm saying? Give me junk mail any day of the week. Personal letters are so predictable. How you been? It's been a while. Everything okay with you? Miss ya, love ya. Again. Really? No. Give me junk mail. Give me stuff like this. An ad and a coupon for some joint in my neighborhood called Hair plus Wigs. Hair plus Wigs? That's the name of it. Someone named a business that I don't think they spent a lot of time on the name. Hair plus Wigs. See, that's. That's something in the mail I didn't see coming. That's a delight. That's a surprise. That there even is a place called Hair plus Wigs fills me with glee. What on earth could be making it possible for a place like this to stay in business? Hair plus Wigs? What does that even mean? Really? You can buy random hair or you can have it made into a wig. Your call. Hair plus Wigs. What are we looking at? Says they have a couple of shops in the metro area. I bet the owner of the joint wanted to do this since childhood. All kids want to be hair and wig salespeople when they're real young. Before the powers that be come along and cram doctor and lawyer down their throat. Todd, have I told you the business I want to get into? No. What's that? Big Danny. Well, Todd, don't laugh. I've been thinking about getting into hair. A stylist, Danny. A barber? No, no, just selling hair. Just random hair. Well, whose hair, Danny? Any ones I can get my hands on. Plus plus Wigs. Cuz. Wigs? Well, they're kind of like hair, but weirder. Weirder somehow. In fact, that's what I'd call the business, Todd. I'd call it Hair plus Wigs. Danny. I don't know. Sounds odd. It's not odd, Todd. Todd, it's not odd. Yeah it is, Danny. No, it's not. Yeah it is, Danny. No, it's not. And so Danny opened up his first business right on the corner next to the bank. Hair, he called it, and then scribbled. Plus Wigs. No one came into the store the first year. The second year a couple strolled in, but they just wanted directions to a pharmacy. The third year he got his first real customer, a guy named Wayne Paulette. He said he wanted a bunch of hair in a bag. Wayne paid up and left in his fifth year, Danny went out of business. The building was then purchased by a fella who sold fingernails and toenails plus roofing nails. He loved the whole idea of a plus in the sign, fingernails and toenails plus roofing nails. And actually that started a trend in the neighborhood. The place selling guns, added doilies. Guns plus doilies. The owner said it was a way to get women to accompany their husbands into the store. The place selling candy, also began to offer construction grade plywood. But Hair plus Wigs went out of business, sadly because Danny was not a shrewd businessman. Yet somehow in this world, a couple of Hair plus Wigs operations still exist. There's one near me in the inner city and there is one in the suburbs, according to my little piece of junk mail here. I guess I'll bug the folks in the suburbs first. I always believe in annoying people in the suburbs before anyone else. They went to the suburbs specifically to avoid the annoyances of humanity. They wanted predictability and sameness. They wanted. They wanted the dull hum of every day looking exactly like the day before sounding like the day before. So that is why we start by messing with them. They have it coming. We need to disrupt the sameness. So our first call to Hair plus Wigs will be to the suburban Hair plus Wigs.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Helpless.

[Tommy Mischke]

Hi there. I understand I can get some hair.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yes.

[Tommy Mischke]

That's great. Shall you sell a significant amount of it?

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

We sell wig.

[Tommy Mischke]

Pardon me.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

We are so wig.

[Tommy Mischke]

I want hair.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

What kind of hair are you looking for?

[Tommy Mischke]

Real hair?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

No.

[Tommy Mischke]

Hello? Hello? Well, that didn't go so well. Might have to rely on my neighborhood Hair plus Wigs operation just a few blocks from my home. They won't let me down. Hair plus Wigs.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

How? Brush wig.

[Tommy Mischke]

Hi, I understand you sell hair, Hair and wig, hair and wig. You sell the hair and then separate from that, you sell the wigs.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, might be.

[Tommy Mischke]

What I'm trying to get at is based on what I understand of your store, you sell the hair and then also on top of that, separate from that, you sell wigs. Yeah, well, I'm looking for the hair part of this equation.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

What kinds of hair are you looking for?

[Tommy Mischke]

I'm not picky, but I need a whole lot of it.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Can you call different store, different location, Brooklyn Center.

[Tommy Mischke]

I called out there, she said they didn't have hair, they just had wigs. It says on your sign hair plus Wigs.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, we have hair, but that means braiding hair, track hair, crochet hair.

[Tommy Mischke]

I want all of that.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

You said a bunch of we only the retail store. So you're looking for the wholesale. Isn't it horsehair? Did you say wholesale store? This is a retail store.

[Tommy Mischke]

It's interesting, you bring up horse hair. My Uncle Ken sold that in Buckman, Minnesota. Years ago. He had a little hair operation. He used to stand out front of his place and he'd say, step right up, step right in. We sell what's sticking out of its skin. Floor to ceiling, wall to wall. We got horse hair. We got it all. No hair from people, just hair from a horse hair divorced from its original source. But I'm not looking for horse hair. You say you have human hair, right?

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, we got some human hair. But you say you're looking for a bunch of human hair, right? We don't have that much.

[Tommy Mischke]

Well, how much human hair do you have?

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

We only have two, three pieces. Yeah, this is.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah, it's a good place to start. No, that's fine. That's a good place to start.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

You know what you called the Brooklyn Center.

[Tommy Mischke]

Well, let me tell you why I'm calling you. You're in my neighborhood and I'd like to stop by and buy this hair you're talking about.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Could you come tomorrow? My manager will be here.

[Tommy Mischke]

So you wouldn't sell me any hair if I drop by today?

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, I could say it's a piece.

[Tommy Mischke]

One piece, two piece, maybe five piece.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, maybe.

[Tommy Mischke]

Let me tell you what I'm up to. I've been doing some reading on DIY home insulation. And the reports I'm getting indicate that nothing insulates like human hair. So rather than pay the pros to come out with their fancy fiberglass insulation, I'm gonna go with real hair. I'll tell you something. Samson. In the Bible, he was selling his hair for insulation routinely.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Yeah, come in. Come and see.

[Tommy Mischke]

I got a van and I got a slew of cardboard boxes, and I'll just fill them up.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

You don't need to, you know, bring the bed. You know, I don't have that much either hair.

[Tommy Mischke]

Let me ask you this. My wife asked if hair can be used to make a prom dress for our youngest daughter. Prom is just eight weeks away. Our little gal wants to look stylish. Any possibility of using the hair in that department.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

I asked to come tomorrow.

[Tommy Mischke]

All right, then.

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Sorry. Sorry about that.

[Tommy Mischke]

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[Tommy Mischke]

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[Parole Officer Brian]

Hello.

[Tommy Mischke]

They call him Birdtown. Well, hey, Mishke, what kind of a name is Birdtown?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

That was just my way of referring to where I'm from and where I first heard of you. I was in Robbinsdale. So That's Birdtown to me.

[Tommy Mischke]

Robbinsdale. Let me tell you what I know about Robbinsdale. American pressure is there. Did you know that?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Nope. I had no idea. I haven't lived in Robbinsdale since 2008. Now I'm living in Southern California.

[Tommy Mischke]

I am calling you in Southern California.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yes, sir.

[Tommy Mischke]

What kind of a hellhole is that?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Well, it was 80 over the weekend, so.

[Tommy Mischke]

I mean, everybody likes to bring up a temperature as though that matters. It reminds me of people who like to bring up how much they make as though there's any relation between that and happiness. Turns out none of that is related to pleasure. Not really. Not ultimately. Let me ask you something. Did you go to Southern California thinking the answer was there?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I was tired of winter.

[Tommy Mischke]

Tired of winter. And did Southern California give you everything you needed, that sameness year round that you craved?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Sure, it's the same temperature all year, but I'll take that.

[Tommy Mischke]

What do you think happened that you decided to take about 20 years off your life expectancy? There's actually a ton of research that shows the importance of not being in a place where the temperatures are the same if you want to have a long life. What was it that made you want to trade away 20 years of your life?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Come on. I was just there in January in the Twin Cities, it was negative 10. That's brutal for anyone that lives out here now. That was the actual air temp.

[Tommy Mischke]

I know. But when it's negative 1010, you're adding years to your life.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I want to see that research.

[Tommy Mischke]

There is tremendous research on what happens when you expose your body to cold. Both the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous system. It's the same thing that happens when you go to a gym. When you go to a gym, what are you doing when you're working out? You're stressing your muscles. Did your muscles say, I want to strain right now? No, but the body says, if you strain, we will reward you. So similarly, when you put your body up against extreme cold temperatures, it rewards you by saying, thank you for challenging me. The body needs to be challenged. Why do you think intermittent fasting works? That suffering when you're not eating extends your life? You went to a world in Southern California where you just wanted to bathe in the same temp day in and day out. You're willing to trade away years of your life? Years. Isn't it expensive to live in Southern California?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

A little bit.

[Tommy Mischke]

Would you realistically be able to afford a house?

[Parole Officer Brian]

No.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Basic houses are 800,000 to a million dollars.

[Tommy Mischke]

You're in a world that wasn't meant for you. You're in a world that was meant for the wealthy, for the elite. Every single person you pass every day on the streets there knew Jeffrey Epstein personally.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Is that right?

[Tommy Mischke]

Oh, yeah. How old are you?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

47.

[Tommy Mischke]

Are you single?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I am.

[Tommy Mischke]

What happened? What went wrong?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I don't know.

[Tommy Mischke]

A lot of dates that went south after date.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Two or three, something like that.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. What do you think it was? Have you taken a good look in the mirror?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

That's where the answer lies. I'm sure.

[Tommy Mischke]

Any therapy?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I'm okay.

[Tommy Mischke]

Are you really?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I am.

[Tommy Mischke]

Really?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yep.

[Tommy Mischke]

Do you have friends?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

How many?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

A half a dozen. Neighbors. People that we go drink beer with.

[Tommy Mischke]

When you're out drinking beer with your neighbors, do you ever say to one of them, hey, want to come back to my place?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I don't.

[Tommy Mischke]

When was the last time you said to someone, want to go back to my place?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I don't know.

[Tommy Mischke]

Decades, probably. Man, I blame Southern California.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

I could turn your life around if you'd be willing to move.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Where should I move?

[Tommy Mischke]

I was thinking Owatana.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Okay. I'll take a hard pass.

[Tommy Mischke]

Okay. What else have you done with your life? What's the most terrifying experience you've ever had?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I did get bit by a rattlesnake shortly after I moved here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Another good reason to go to Southern California. Boy, I bet that's on all the brochures. What were the circumstances?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

It was getting twilight. I was living east of town, kind of foothills, mountains, and just was getting ready for the next day at work. Stepped on it, was wearing sandals and didn't see it there. So I drove myself to the hospital. Tried to, didn't quite make it that far. And then I called 91 1.

[Tommy Mischke]

You knew it was a rattlesnake. You saw the bite, and what was your first reaction?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Every four letter word known to man.

[Tommy Mischke]

From the pain or from the fear?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

From the fear because it starts like, tingling. And then there's venom going through your blood system. And so your. Your lips begin to swell, your tongue gets fat, your hands can't grip the steering wheel. That's why I stopped driving, because I started to get into traffic. We have a ton of that here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. Reason 673 to stay the hell away from there. I don't know how many more reminders you needed. You're in a traffic jam with a rattlesnake bite. Get back east. That's what the universe was screaming when you started to experience these symptoms and you decided you're not going to be able to get yourself to the hospital. You need help. Did you use your cell phone to call an ambulance?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I did. They just stabilized me and started giving me feline on the side of the freeway and then drove me in.

[Tommy Mischke]

Did you have any fear on the side of the road that you were going to die?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

No, they were taking care of me.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah, well, in the old west they would take care of guys too and then they'd die.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

They have to measure and mix up the anti venom. It was like $13,000 for anti venom. They want to make sure they get it right. So they have two pharmacists check it out.

[Tommy Mischke]

That seems a little steep.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I think it costs more than the ICU room that they discharged me into.

[Tommy Mischke]

I'd like to watch some guys make bare aspirin and then watch some guys make the anti venom and really see if there's thousands and thousands of dollars difference in terms of effort. I need to google this. Why is rattlesnake anti venom? So damn. If you ever have the misfortune of being bitten by a rattlesnake in the US the anti venom alone could easily cost you more than a luxury suv. The reason for the sticker shock isn't just one thing. It's a perfect storm of biological complexity, Corporate overhead, hospital economics. You can't just synthesize antivenom in a test tube. It is a slow living process that requires specialized animal Labor. Only about 7,000 people are bitten by venomous snakes in the US each year. Because the market's so small, there is almost no competition. For a long time, only one or two companies even had FDA approval to sell antivenom. Did you ever ask emergency personnel what would have happened in the minutes and hours had you done nothing, what that death would have been like?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

The first things that you're going to experience. Loss of limbs just paralyzes your extremities. So it would have taken out probably my right leg and would have taken days to probably die. That's an excruciating way to go.

[Tommy Mischke]

Have you ever seen a fellow walking down the street with rattlesnake boots?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

How about this? You're walking through the desert, you come across a snake and it's got a little skirt on made of human skin. Wouldn't that freak you out? Wouldn't that freak you out?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Freak me out?

[Tommy Mischke]

A little skirt made of human skin. You'd be bothered by that, wouldn't you?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Oh yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

But you weren't bothered by the cowboy going down the street with the rattlesnake boots.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Little higher up on the food chain.

[Tommy Mischke]

How about this Mr. Apex Predator? How about the cowboy coming by with the rattlesnake boots gets close enough to you to bite you and he does bite you right on your left arm, hard. And he looks you in the eye and he says, you think I'm just wearing rattlesnake boots and that's it. But I'd call 911-Camper-Life is going to get interesting for you in the coming hours.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

That would be a little too weird for me.

[Tommy Mischke]

And you go to the emergency room and you say, I was bitten by a cowboy with rattlesnake boots. He looked me in the eye and he said, it's not just that I'm wearing rattlesnake boots. There's more going on here. You need to get to the emergency room. What would the doctors do? Would they take you seriously?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

I doubt it.

[Tommy Mischke]

Hey, they're thinking malpractice suit. They at least are going to run some blood tests. How about this? The cowboy doesn't have rattlesnake boots. What he has is a shark skin suit. And he bites you. I mean, he bites you hard. And those eyes roll back white and you hear that awful screaming. I'll never walk down Sunset Strip again. Well, all right. You take care of yourself. Good visiting with you.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yeah, thanks, Tommy.

[Tommy Mischke]

All right, Bird Town. So long.

[Announcer]

The rattlesnake has the most feared snake

[Listener from Duluth]

bite in North America.

[Announcer]

When it comes to venomous animals, the rattlesnake reigns supreme.

[Tommy Mischke]

I'd like to have a rattlesnake on the show sometime. Wouldn't that be a hell of an interview? To be able to talk one on one with a rattlesnake, really get into its head. What's your name, fella? Dick. Dick? Yeah. Who named you that? I did. You named yourself Dick? Yes. Dick, the rattlesnake. Yeah. Do you have any questions for me or what? Well, yeah, I got questions for you, Dick. No creature ever came to symbolize the untamed nature of the American west quite like you. You're the reptile that terrorized cowboys in countless Westerns, adventure films. Steinbeck wrote about you. Charles Portis in True Grit wrote about you. Larry McMurtry in Lonesome Dove included you. High schools throughout the west make the rattlesnake their mascot. The Seth Hill Diamondbacks. The Rancho Mirage Rattlers. You're kind of a big deal, Dick. You're scary looking. I'm uncomfortable even looking at you. But I gotta know, Are there days you wish you were a Cute little basset hound beIN cared for by a nice family in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Loved, cherished, held, adored. Yeah, you do wish that. Yeah. Interesting. Cause I doubt the cuddly basset hound sleeping on the couch with a nine year old girl ever wants to be a mean lookin rattler in the desert. Sure, you're respected, you're feared, but you are not loved. And I just wonder what kind of an effect that has on a creature. It hardens us. It takes away our compassion. Makes us callous, uncaring, mean. You sound like a cross between Miles Davis and Clint Eastwood. Is that your real voice? Yeah, Dick. What's with the tongue? Put that away, will ya? I'll tell you something, Dick. We don't have rattlers in the north country where I live. But it doesn't mean we don't have the rattle. It's a different kind of rattle. We hear it with cicadas. It's similar. Here for instance, is the sound of your rattle. Here's a rattlesnake rattle right here. Okay? Now this is the sound of cicadas. Similar. But those cicadas, they don't scare us, Dick. We don't fear them. They're not basset hounds, but they're not pariahs. And there's something else, Dick, that we have in the north country, another similar rattle sound. Again not the rattlesnake. And in this case not the cicadas either. I'm talking of course, about the sprinkler. You've heard of sprinkler, haven't you Dick? Interesting how similar all three of those sounds are. Rattlesnake, sprinkler, cicada, rattlesnake, cicada, sprinkler, rattlesnake, rattlesnake, cicada, sprinkler. Are we done with the interview? Yeah, yeah. I didn't have a whole lot to ask. You. Think about the air in your home. You cannot see it, but your family breathes nearly 30 pounds of it every single day. Most people only think about their vents when the heat goes out or the AC starts rattling. But at Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, heating and Air, they look at the invisible. Since way, way, way back in the 20th century, they've been the Twin Cities experts in complete home comfort. And today that means much more than just a thermostat setting. It's about the quality of the life you live indoors. Did you know MSP provides professional indoor air testing? They look for the things you cannot see. They offer air purification and UV light systems that neutralize contaminants before they ever reach your lungs. If your home feels too dry, they install whole home humidifiers to protect your health. Don't just settle for a temperature. Demand air quality, MSP. Over 100 years of home comfort solutions. In 1963, a guy bought a car in South St. Paul. He shook a hand, he took a key, he drove home. That man is gone. That car is gone. But the hand he shook, that hand belonged to Fury. Fury Motors. Since the Kennedy administration, while the rest of the world has been busy pivoting and rebranding, Fury has been busy holding the line. They didn't build an automotive group. They built a legacy. Waconia Forest, Lake Stillwater, and the flagship in South St. Paul. Four points on a map where the name on that sign means something. Whether it's a brand new Ford, Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep, Buick, gmc, or every make of used car you can think of, that Fury name means something. It brings with it the highest customer satisfaction rating you'll ever encounter. Fury Motors, they've been expecting you since 1963.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Hello.

[Tommy Mischke]

Well, hello there. Mike Mishke. How's things in Duluth?

[Listener from Duluth]

Pretty big snowbanks up here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Mm. Do you like to climb em and pretend you're Sir Edmund Hillary?

[Listener from Duluth]

When I was a kid, I did.

[Tommy Mischke]

Oh, I like to still do things like that. I don't let growing up stop me.

[Listener from Duluth]

Yeah, you got a point.

[Tommy Mischke]

What do you do with your life?

[Listener from Duluth]

I work at a restaurant. A local restaurant.

[Tommy Mischke]

You don't sound happy about that.

[Listener from Duluth]

Well, I've got a college degree, and I'd like to put it to work a little better than that.

[Tommy Mischke]

Let me see if I can guess what you majored in. I bet you have a degree in anthropology.

[Listener from Duluth]

Nope.

[Tommy Mischke]

Biology? Nope. Philosophy?

[Hair Plus Wigs Store Employee]

Nope.

[Tommy Mischke]

Chemistry? Nope. History?

[Listener from Duluth]

Nope.

[Tommy Mischke]

Journalism?

[Listener from Duluth]

Nope.

[Tommy Mischke]

What the hell do you have a major in?

[Listener from Duluth]

Criminal justice.

[Tommy Mischke]

Criminal justice. Have you been able to catch anybody committing a crime at your restaurant?

[Listener from Duluth]

No, not yet.

[Tommy Mischke]

Well, you are wasting that degree. What did you want to be? A cop.

[Listener from Duluth]

I think that's what I'm going to end up doing.

[Tommy Mischke]

Doesn't sound like it's your first choice.

[Listener from Duluth]

I kind of wanted to be, like, a probation officer.

[Tommy Mischke]

I've never met a man in my entire life who has said I wanted to be a probation officer.

[Listener from Duluth]

Well, one of the instructors at school, she was a probation officer in one of the local counties, and I thought, you know what? I could see myself doing this.

[Tommy Mischke]

What would appeal to you about it?

[Listener from Duluth]

You're involved in the justice system, but it's kind of on the safer end. And also, I think I would like to see the success that some people could have. Maybe they did something bad, and now they're kind of. They've maybe served time, and now they're on their way out and see the success when they do it.

[Tommy Mischke]

How old are you?

[Listener from Duluth]

I am actually going to be 44 in a couple weeks here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Jiminy crickets. It's late in the game. Just suddenly want to get involved in the judicial system.

[Listener from Duluth]

Yeah, I felt that way, too. But then I talked to a local cop about it, and I said, you know, I'm a little long in the tooth for it. And he said, we hired some guy who was already in his 50s, and

[Tommy Mischke]

if you liked the fact that being a probation officer was a somewhat safer profession, why do you feel a cop position is in your future?

[Listener from Duluth]

With my degree, I can go to a local community college, and I wouldn't need to take the entire. It's called post training in Minnesota. I'd only need to take a much more abridged version.

[Tommy Mischke]

Where would you like to be a cop? A town like Mayberry.

[Listener from Duluth]

Well, that'd be safer.

[Tommy Mischke]

What do you think would be the best part of being a cop? What do you think would make you feel the most alive?

[Listener from Duluth]

Actually stopping someone from committing a crime.

[Tommy Mischke]

You know what it would be for me? Coming home at the end of the day? Walking in the front door, taking off my police cap, taking off my holster, unbuttoning my shirt, going to the fridge, grabbing a beer, heading out to the porch, sitting down, putting my feet up, and seeing Barney from across the street walking my way. Hey, Misko, could you maybe help me with this ticket I got? And then just shooting him dead and going back to drinking my beer and saying, one neighbor too many came to me, wanting to fix their little ticket for them. Barney would be breathing his last, going, what number was I? I'd say you were the 27th. Neighbor coming to me with a speeding ticket, wanting me to help you out. And that was one too many. Barney, I want you to make peace with your Lord. Now you're bleeding out. That's when I'd say to myself, this right here, right now, is why I became a cop.

[Listener from Duluth]

I had a feeling your answer was going to be something along that avenue.

[Tommy Mischke]

Mm. I have to tell you, I didn't like Barney anyway. He never returned books when I'd loan them to him, and he did some weird stuff with salt in the winter that messed with my dog's paws. You, interestingly, would be having your best moment if you came along and Shot me. Preventing that crime. Preventing me from killing Barney. So, interestingly, you'd have your best moment. Right before I was gonna have my best moment. You'd prevent my best moment as a way of having your best moment.

[Listener from Duluth]

I see where you're going. Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

It's hard sometimes for everybody to have a best moment at the same time in this world. I guess that's what I'm getting at. And sometimes one person's best moment means another one doesn't get to have one. There seem to be a limited number of best moments out there. Did you ever marry?

[Listener from Duluth]

No. Never married.

[Parole Officer Brian]

No kids.

[Tommy Mischke]

Do you have a dog?

[Listener from Duluth]

Nope.

[Parole Officer Brian]

No dog.

[Tommy Mischke]

I'd like to send you a pet rock that I've had for years and has served me well, in fact. It's an emotional support rock. I got it.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Actually, they have those.

[Tommy Mischke]

You have to order them. They come from Bosnia, but they are something else. I mean, you can't just grab any old rock. Not if you want emotional support. And it is not inexpensive. I don't know if you've ever looked at what it costs to adopt a child. But this rock, it sits on the mantel above my fireplace. And some nights it's the only thing between me and just ending it all because of the way it lets me know I'm somebody.

[Listener from Duluth]

Interesting. Bosnian Emotional support rock.

[Tommy Mischke]

That's the official name for it. I just call it my rock.

[Listener from Duluth]

Any other countries where you can get an emotional support rock?

[Tommy Mischke]

Not one. Not if you want the real deal. I sure would like to track whether or not you do in fact become a cop. Will you let me know?

[Listener from Duluth]

I can do that for you, Mishke.

[Tommy Mischke]

Very good. I've enjoyed talking with you. I'm glad you made the list. How long do you think you've sat on that list?

[Listener from Duluth]

Oh, ever since you put out the phone number. Sign up for it.

[Tommy Mischke]

That's a year ago. Well, we finally connected. Good hanging out with you.

[Listener from Duluth]

Thanks, Misty. I've been a long time listener ever since the old radio days.

[Tommy Mischke]

The old radio days. Well, I like picturing you up in Duluth. I think that's a lovely place to be. I think it feeds your soul. You must really love it.

[Listener from Duluth]

Eh, I don't see myself here at the end of my life.

[Tommy Mischke]

So much for that. All right. You stay well, stay in touch. Okay?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

All right. Thanks, Misky.

[Tommy Mischke]

Bye. Bye.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Hi, this is Perry. I can't take your call right now. Please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as possible. Thanks.

[Tommy Mischke]

Perry. You sound a little down. Low energy. I'M not sure life is working out for you the way you thought it would. We all had dreams. You're not alone. I fantasized about an extraordinarily different adventure myself in this life of mine. Yeah. There's what you think you're gonna get and then what you're stuck with. I can hear it in the tone of your voice. There were opportunities missed, chances not taken. And now it's all just winding down, isn't it? Well, I want you to know that when it seems like the whole thing was a grand waste of time, sometimes the sun cuts in just a certain kind of way and the light moves across the land through the tree branches, illuminating a cardinal sitting by itself on a fence post. And therein lies all the answers. There it is. Not something one can articulate necessarily, but the answer's nonetheless that ineffable, fleeting wonder of existence itself. I sure hope that's what waits in your future. If not today, tomorrow. If not tomorrow, next week. If not next week, soon. Fare thee well.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Hello.

[Tommy Mischke]

Well, hey there, Brian.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Hey.

[Parole Officer Brian]

How's it going, Tommy?

[Tommy Mischke]

Super. How about with you?

[Parole Officer Brian]

I'm doing good.

[Tommy Mischke]

What am I catching you doing right now?

[Parole Officer Brian]

It's my day off. I'm just doing some laundry.

[Tommy Mischke]

Caught you on the day off.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

When did you first get on the list?

[Parole Officer Brian]

Oh, man, I was on early. You actually called me one time, but my wife was mid story, and I thought it was probably better that I listened to her than answer my phone.

[Tommy Mischke]

That's a colossal blunder a lot of young men make to not answer. Yeah, a lot of guys think if they answer, it could damage the relationship, but it turns out that women enjoy the break from having to endlessly entertain us.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Okay.

[Tommy Mischke]

Your wife would have been grateful for the chance to just take a breather. It's clear to me you cling to her a little too tightly. Was it perhaps something that happened in childhood? Did you almost lose your mother?

[Parole Officer Brian]

No, not in childhood, no.

[Tommy Mischke]

Oh, okay. So day off and you're doing laundry. Did you think when you were young and you grew up that free time you had would be spent so horrifically?

[Parole Officer Brian]

No, I guess I didn't think much about adulting and the stuff that goes into making a house go.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. When I was young, I thought growing up would mean perhaps riding a horse through the mountains, leaping from my saddle and heading to a fire pit where some guys are gathered who just got off a freight car and were passing a bottle around, telling stories about having wrestled a cougar. Earlier that day, I would hear Their stories. And then grab a cigar, light it and head off to spend time alone, staring at the stars, seeing perhaps an image in the heavens that looked like a deity, telling me what other lives waited in my future and how extraordinary the whole adventure was going to be. But then it turned out to be laundry day. Most of the time. Much like you.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Yeah, well, we got a whole family here and they go through a lot of clothes, so.

[Tommy Mischke]

How many kids? Two.

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Boys.

[Tommy Mischke]

I had a couple of those once. And your wife? What do we know about her?

[Parole Officer Brian]

I know quite a bit.

[Tommy Mischke]

But what do we know together?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Not much, really.

[Tommy Mischke]

Haven't you asked her about herself?

[Parole Officer Brian]

I thought you meant between you and me.

[Tommy Mischke]

You can keep it between you and me if it's going to be embarrassing. Go ahead.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Met her when I was in Minneapolis. She was going to school up there. She got her master's in Chinese medicine. And then we moved down here to Illinois.

[Tommy Mischke]

I spent a lot of time with a woman who was the top doctor at Beijing's hospital for Traditional Chinese medicine. She taught me a lot about it. And she told me, you know, when something has a 2000 year old track record and people are still using it, odds are that's been working. She went on to tell me, bloodletting was tried here in the great United States of America as a way to help people when they're sick. Bleeding them. It didn't last long. The reason it didn't last long, it didn't work. It didn't work. And there are many things, many things tried over the years. You can look into the medical books. Tried for a few decades, maybe a century, and then a abandoned because it doesn't work. But when something is still used 2000 years later, odds are it's doing something. And then she told me something I was truly amazed by. She said, you know, where I'm from, you pay your doctor to keep you well, not to help you when you're sick. You go to him when you're well and he keeps you well. And that's how you know you got a good doctor. And I said, that is not the Western model.

[Parole Officer Brian]

That is not how we do it here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Is your wife working in the field?

[Parole Officer Brian]

She is, yep. She does. She works at a clinic. Down here.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. Delightful. Did I determine what you do for a living?

[Parole Officer Brian]

You did not. I'm a parole agent.

[Tommy Mischke]

Wait a minute. You're a parole officer?

[Listener from Duluth]

Yeah.

[Tommy Mischke]

What are the odds of this? I just talked to a guy right before you who wants to be a parole officer.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Oh, well, there you go.

[Tommy Mischke]

What's the best part of the job.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Prior to this, I did 15 years doing security inside a prison. A state prison.

[Tommy Mischke]

A correctional specialist.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Yeah, sergeant. So I did that for 15 years, and I did not like it. So the best part of the job is not having to go to the prison every day for work. I mean, really, I'm kind of a life coach, counselor, trying to get people on track.

[Tommy Mischke]

And that's the rewarding part of the job, is watching a success story. Yeah, well, this guy was trying to figure out if he should be a parole officer or a police officer. He didn't mention anything about a prison guard. I don't know that I would like that job. Anybody ever throw their crap at you?

[Bird Town (Perry)]

Yes.

[Tommy Mischke]

That's reason number one why I don't want to do that job.

[Listener from Duluth]

Urine, crap, blood.

[Tommy Mischke]

I just wish those guys would have played catch with their dads more. Those are the fun things to throw a baseball. Did you ever have a really good day in prison? I mean, a day where you said, by God, I've never felt more alive.

[Parole Officer Brian]

I did get in the path of some OC spray a couple times.

[Tommy Mischke]

Is that some new underarm deodorant?

[Parole Officer Brian]

Pepper spray.

[Tommy Mischke]

You've been in the path of pepper spray?

[Parole Officer Brian]

Sure.

[Tommy Mischke]

Never felt this alive. Smell that pepper spray.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Honestly, once you get it out of your eyes and you wash up, you're invigorated.

[Tommy Mischke]

You know, I've been hiking in the mountains in Montana with pepper spray, and I thought the whole time it was for the bear. I didn't know I could just periodically hit myself in the face as hard as I could with it, feeling alive and ready to wrestle any grizzly that comes along. Were you actually going to tell me that that pepper spray experience was a good experience?

[Parole Officer Brian]

I mean, I don't have many good experiences from the prison to talk about other than the friendships and the relationships I had there. But I remember coming home from work that day feeling pretty good. The wife and I actually went out that night.

[Tommy Mischke]

Wow. Pepper spray may even be an aphrodisiac. I'm writing this down. Hey, what happened, though? Was there a riot in the prison of some sort?

[Parole Officer Brian]

Well, that time there was a combative guy. We had to get restrained.

[Tommy Mischke]

So the old adrenaline was rushing. And you had a little pepper spray and adrenaline together and what a concoction that is. Boom. I'm alive. That's a wonderful thing for people listening. You go out and maybe go to a health food store, buy some pepper spray and some adrenaline, but you made it a lot longer than I expected. A Guy to go who doesn't like the job. 15 years.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Yeah. I mean, again, I got kids and a wife and a house and good benefits.

[Tommy Mischke]

The extraordinary thing about this is just listening to you and picking up what I can from your voice. You don't have a prison guard personality.

[Parole Officer Brian]

I really don't. I always try to handle things with my tone and my words and de escalate whenever possible.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. I think that job was a mismatched job. Whereas I can see you being a wonderful parole officer.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Well, thank you. I enjoy it and I think I'm doing good.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah, that's great. Well, I've enjoyed talking to you, and I just think it's coincidental as hell that I got to talk to a parole officer right after talking to a guy who really thought that would be his ideal job. And you know why he thought it would be his ideal job? Because of helping people who are on the path to turning things around and the sun shining brighter in their lives. Thought that would be a positive as a job.

[Parole Officer Brian]

It's rewarding work.

[Tommy Mischke]

Good hanging with you.

[Parole Officer Brian]

Good talking to you, Mitski.

[Tommy Mischke]

Take care. Bye. Bye. About 15 years ago, Mike was 52 years old. He was sitting at his kitchen table. He was staring at a pile of bills and a retirement account that wasn't really going to cut it. A co worker told him about Josh Arnold, an independent advisor who's been helping people all over Minnesota for the past 40 plus years. Well, Josh looked at Mike's 401k, his IRA, his savings, what he wanted for retirement, and he told him, here's where you are, Mike, my friend, and here's where you could be, and here's how we can get you there. Mike ended up retiring at 67. Comfortable, confident. He's got the lake cabin he wanted. And he calls Josh every now and then. Not because he has to, just to say thanks. Call Josh arnold today at 952-925-5608. Like Mike get 50 minutes for free on the phone just to talk. No obligation, no strings.

[Announcer]

Investment services offered by Josh Arnold Investment Consultant, llc. A security and investment advisor. Past performance is no guarantee of future results. All investments involve risk. Tommy Mischke is a paid endorser.

[Tommy Mischke]

Yeah. I want to tell you something. I like doing this show. I just. I just need to pass that along. It's kind of a playground for the mind, for the imagination, for the creative spirit, for the intellect, for the child in me, for pretty much all the parts I was given when I was born. It's a little playground for all of it. I'm happy. It's funny, when I say I'm happy, I flash back to an old man I talked to many, many years ago. He was already pushing a hundred when I visited with him. And I visited with him when I was a teenager. He told me in this visit about his childhood. And one thing stuck in my head, one memory of his. He was a kid in St. Paul when Lexington Avenue was the city's western border and Lexington Avenue was more or less a dirt path. That's all it was. Beyond Lexington, it was just wild country and some farmland all the way down to the Mississippi. And Lexington Avenue, this. This dirt path was his playground on the weekends with his buddies, they'd race horses as kids down Lexington. I loved that image of some St. Paul kid getting together with his pals on Saturday, Saturday afternoon, all of them grabbing, Grabbing their horses and racing down Lexington, this wild dirt path, the far end of town, living free. And he was telling me about this, and the light was returning to his eyes. He was very old. He was coming to the end of his life. But he was getting. Getting excited, telling me about this, a memory from almost a century earlier. And he looked at me and he said, those were happy. And I knew he was gonna say, days. Those were happy days. I certainly knew that's what he wanted to say, those were happy. And he paused. Happy. And I didn't want to say the word forum. I think old people probably get tired of folks doing that. I just let him go and he said, happy. And I knew he just wanted the word days, but he couldn't find that word. Those were happy days, he wanted to say, but he added another happy, trying to get that last word, days. And then gave up. And it was a wonderful moment. When he gave up, he realized he didn't need to reach for the word days. The key. The key was the word happy. That's what he wanted to stress. So it ended up coming out like this. Those were happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy. He just kept saying happy. And a tear came to his eye as he sat there and just thought about being happy, being a boy and being happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, he said, and then just looked at me and, man, I was already riding along with him and his pals. I was damn near as happy as they were. Just in my imagination. That just came to me right now when I mentioned that I'm happy doing this show. Often when I hear that word happy, I flash back to that old man saying, happy, happy, happy, happy. He died the next month after that visit I had with him at the age of 99. What's interesting is he wasn't a fella I knew. Some other guy I knew was his home health aide, and the home health aide invited me over one afternoon, thought I might enjoy visiting with this old man, which I did. And it was my one and only visit with them. But there weren't many people left in this world I could talk to about racing horses down the dirt of Lexington Avenue when it was the western border of the city. What I remember thinking that day was so much changes over so many years. So many things disappear, so many new things arrive that would be so foreign to those past generations. But a kid having a happy, happy, happy, happy day, that probably hasn't changed in thousands and thousands of years. The one thing that probably has never changed, a kid having fun with his buddies on a given day in the dirt. That'd be an interesting podcast to start. Kids Playing in the Dirt, a weekly program featuring children playing in the dirt and just commenting on whatever they feel like commenting on. 40 minute show once a week with the children. We could pipe that program into the assisted living facilities all over the country, senior high rises, anywhere you don't find kids, just put it over the public address system. It's our weekly 40 minute podcast. Kids in the Dirt, folks. Gather round, give a listen. Kids Playing in the Dirt coming to you weekly courtesy of Hubbard Broadcasting. Maybe we'd just call the show Happy, Happy, Happy Happy. Thanks for listening, everyone. I'll talk to you again next time.