MISCHKE: Last Minute Madness

Summary

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Garage Logic – MISCHKE: Last Minute Madness

Podcast: Garage Logic
Network: Gamut Podcast Network
Host: Tommy Mischke
Air Date: December 17, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features Tommy Mischke in his signature meandering, whimsical style, blending playful rants about the holidays, uniquely Minnesotan stories, reflections on childhood defiance, and interviews with both quirky local entrepreneurs and listeners from around the globe—culminating in a remarkable story of survival from a long-time listener’s grandfather. The central theme orbits around last-minute holiday madness, authenticity in gift-giving, nostalgia, and the search for joy and meaning in unexpected places.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Theme Songs and Life’s Arbitrary Traditions (00:00–04:00)

• Mischke humorously questions the necessity of theme songs for shows and why we follow such traditions.
  • “When I visit someone in my neighborhood, knock on their door...I don’t first sing a song. I get to it. I get to my reason for showing up.” (01:15)
  • Imagines a world where every interaction begins with a tune, riffing on how silly that would (or wouldn’t) be.

2. The Last-Minute Christmas Gift Dilemma (04:01–10:50)

• Shares articles suggesting ways to “fake” thoughtful, last-minute gifts.
  • Mocks the phoniness of pretending to have shopped early, listing gifts like honey sampler sets, aromatherapy shower steamers, stained-glass suncatchers, and “Woobles crochet kits.”
  • Mischke’s alternative: Rebar as the ultimate honest last-minute gift.
    • “If I’m getting somebody a last minute gift, I’m getting them some rebar...just a chunk of rebar.” (06:00)
  • Utilizes rebar’s practical use as a metaphor for recognizing gifts fall on a spectrum of thoughtfulness; someone needs to give the “lame” gifts so the good ones stand out.
  • “It’s the thought that counts. Is it a big thought? No. But it was my thought. That’s my gift.” (08:10)

3. Defiance and the Joy of Breaking the Rules (10:51–19:00)

• Shares a story of a woman arrested in England for going the wrong way on an escalator, a practice Mischke admits he still enjoys.
  • Reflects on defiance as an early thrill—from childhood escalator antics (since age 4) to challenging authority in school.
  • Recounts comedically a teacher who banged his head into a locker, and how he still tried to push back despite the obvious answer.
  • “Defiance is a thrill, and you learn that early...Why? To stand amidst the throngs and say, I am alive.” (17:00)
• Connects childhood joy (like going on rides intended for kids) to an ongoing quest for feeling alive and finding fun in the mundane.

4. Ken Dolls, Gender, and the Absurdity of Old Corporate Debates (19:01–29:00)

• Fascinated by the origins of Ken (of Barbie fame), reading excerpts about the “bulge debate” at Mattel.
  • The company was split over how “anatomically correct” Ken should be; the debate reached surreal lengths.
  • Visualizes an alternate history where corporate men try to explain their Ken-related struggles to President Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
  • Reads a classic Barbie/Ken commercial, lampooning its vagueness.
  • “She met Ken...somehow she knew that she and Ken would be going together. ...Where will the romance go?” (29:00)
• Mischke’s comedic take questions the creation of romance and meaning in toys, as well as adults spending months debating doll anatomy.

5. Entrepreneurship in Snow: The Minnesota Snowman Business (30:58–37:35)

• Interview with Evan and Henry, two young men starting a snowman-building business.
  • $25 for a regular snowman, $60 for a “fancy” one, with top hats, coats, and scarves (from Goodwill).
  • Mischke probes their professionalism, skills, and what makes a “fancy” snowman.
  • “Our moms say it’s pretty good.” – Evan, on their qualifications (31:58)
  • Mischke suggests anatomical accuracy for their snowmen, referencing the Ken story for extra comic effect.
  • Discussion of ideal snowman construction: smoothness, symmetry, carrot nose, coal eyes, and button mouth.
  • Phone number cheerfully given out: “651-279-1951.” (36:45)
  • Mischke admires their initiative, forecasting busy times after the next sticky snowfall.

6. Life in Angola: A Listener from Afar (42:21–48:47)

• Listener Call: Nathan from the US Embassy in Luanda, Angola
  • Nathan describes life as a diplomat: lovely weather, beaches, gated community comforts.
  • Details on Angola’s history, language (Portuguese), and the surprising absence of animosity toward former colonizers.
  • Shares a dramatic story from his previous post in Thailand: an American dies in a Thai jail after refusing to pay a small visa fine.
    • “I say, it’s either pay the $40 or spend three months in Thai jail...he says, I’m not paying anything.” (46:00)
  • Reveals the human drama and stakes of consular work.

7. The Pachyderm Studio Grammy Story (48:47–55:32)

• Nathan mentions Cannon Falls and its Pachyderm Studio; Mishke shares a personal, odd musical memory:
  • He organized a Ramblin’ Jack Elliott show and persuaded him to record at Pachyderm, with only Mischke as the in-room audience in pitch darkness.
  • Despite doubts, the resulting album, South Coast, later won the Grammy for Best Folk Album.
  • “I was there. Cannon Falls was there. Tequila was there. Marijuana was there. Darkness was there. Jack Elliott was there.” (54:29)
  • The eventual album photography was contributed, last-minute, by a college roommate.

8. A Remarkable Survival Story: Conrad Johnson (59:27–72:05)

• Call-in with Nathan’s grandfather, Conrad Johnson
  • The tale: In 1957, Conrad was impaled by a 2x4 during a truck accident; it passed through his torso and the truck seat. He remained conscious, and through combination of luck and medical ingenuity, survived.
    • “I looked down and seen this two by Four stuck against my belly...I tried to pull this thing out...blood started running down. That’s when I thought, man, I’m in trouble.” (60:33)
  • The rescue involved sawing off the board inside the truck, transporting Conrad with the lumber still through him, and a harrowing hospital journey.
  • Survived thanks to good fortune—previous surgery made room for the board to pass between vital nerves.
  • The board was filthy: “...full of rusty nails and cow shit and whatever.” (69:23)
  • Long recovery, multiple surgeries, and even years later, splinters would emerge from his body.
  • Now in his 90s, Conrad still enjoys life in the woods, making maple syrup, and enjoying a drink at the solid wood bar he traded for logs.
  • Mischke expresses genuine admiration and a wish to visit.
    • “That is a trip I’ll be happy to make.” (73:04)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On tradition and theme songs:
  “When I visit someone in my neighborhood, knock on their door. When they answer, I don’t first sing a song. I get to it.” (01:15)

• On rebar as a gift:
  “Buying from that last minute gift list would be perpetuating a lie...If I’m getting somebody a last minute gift, I’m getting them some rebar.” (06:10)

• On defiance and escalators:
  “Defiance is a thrill, and you learn that early...The first time you go up the down staircase, there is no thrill you’ve known in life quite like that.” (17:00)

• On the Ken doll debate:
  “Every little girl in this country is going to scratch the paint off to see what’s under that swimsuit.” – Quoting Ruth Handler from Mattel (22:35)

• On the snowman business:
  “Our moms say it’s pretty good.” – Evan, on their credibility (31:58)
  “$25 for a snowman ain't a bad deal.” (34:17)

• On consular work and stubbornness:
  “It’s either pay the $40 or go to Thai jail...Nope, Nathan, I know you’re trying to help me, but I know what I’m talking about.” (46:50)

• On surviving with a board through the gut:
  “I got a two by four in my gut.” (64:42)
  “The 2x4 was full of rusty nails and cow shit and whatever.” (69:23)

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Important Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------------------------|------------| | Theme song musings, traditions | 00:00–04:00| | Last-minute gifts and honesty | 04:01–10:50| | Escalator defiance, joy of rebellion | 10:51–19:00| | Ken doll “bulge” history, Mattel debate | 19:01–29:00| | Classic Barbie/Ken romance ad, snowman pivot | 29:00–30:58| | Snowman entrepreneurs interview | 30:58–37:35| | Listener call: US diplomat in Angola | 42:21–48:47| | Grammy-winning Pachyderm Studio story | 48:47–55:32| | Call with Conrad Johnson: 2x4 survival | 59:27–72:05|

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Episode Tone

Light-hearted yet poignant, drifting from playful absurdity (rebar gifts, escalator mischief, the Ken doll debate) to awe-inspiring (Conrad’s survival tale). Mischke’s language is conversational, self-deprecating, with an undercurrent of sincere curiosity about people’s stories.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a great exemplar of the Garage Logic “Mischke” style: unpredictable, Minnesota-flavored, and filled with offbeat charm, humor, and occasional profundity. Even if you’ve never heard the show before, you’ll finish the episode admiring the strange beauty in both mundane and extraordinary stories—and maybe, just maybe, feel a little more alive.

Transcript

[Mishke]

Mishke here, joining the GL world to pitch my new podcast, which now comes out twice a week, Wednesdays and Fridays. The show features an extraordinary array of exotic circus performers, forgotten Hollywood starlets, reclusive Fortune 500 CEOs, professional taxidermists. Oh, wait a minute. That's a different promo. Where's the promo for GL ers? Here it is. Let's try this again. Mishke here pitching my new podcast. We're out of time. Could I do it again? I wonder when the theme song was invented and why people felt the need to start programs with a song. Why can't the program just start? Why must there be a song? Is this important? My name's Mishke, by the way. Why a theme song? It doesn't really make any sense. I find myself feeling as though I'm just going without questioning why we do certain things. When I visit someone in my neighborhood, knock on their door. When they answer, I don't first sing a song. I get to it. I get to my reason for showing up. I get to the business at hand. There's no prelude. What if we sang before we did everything? Well, wait a minute. Would that be so bad to have a song before we do anything? Everything. I'd like to buy insurance from you, sir. But before I do, here's a little tune. Hi there, officer. I realize you have to arrest me, but how about a song first? Hey, how you people doing on your last minute gift buying? I read quite a bit in the last couple days about last minute gift buying. How to find last minute gifts that make the person think you bought their gift far ahead of time. I read an article that was about that. Buying last minute gifts that seem as though you purchase them thoughtfully far ahead of time. This article was teaching you how to fool people that you think about them more than you do. Here's an article I read that recommends some great last minute gifts for Christmas. Why, you could get some whipped honey from the Savannah Bee Company. They have a sample set that's a lovely last minute gift. Savannah Bee Co. Whipped honey sample set. Or says here a great last minute gift is body restore aromatherapy shower steamers. You can get a 15 pack. Yeah. If you have someone you need to get a gift for and you haven't bought one yet, why, here's a last minute gift. Body restore aromatherapy shower steamers, a 15 pack or hummingbird stained glass suncatchers. You know, if you gotta get a last minute gift, you could do a lot worse than hummingbird stained glass sun catchers. Then here's a Woobles crochet kit for beginners. You heard me. A Woobles crochet kit for beginners. Great. Last minute gifts. I'll tell you something. I don't like the phoniness in all of this. If I'm getting somebody a last minute gift, I'm getting them some rebar. You know what rebar is, right? Just a chunk of rebar here. Sorry. It wasn't a better gift. It was a last minute deal. Got this from a construction site near my home. It was last minute. I didn't want to get you items from the last minute gift list that every catalog was offering because those gifts are designed to make it look like this wasn't a last minute gift. And it was a last minute gift. Buying from that last minute gift list would be perpetuating a lie. The idea that I thought of you all month long when I didn't think of you much at all this month. You're a last minute thought. And evidence of that is that I have brought you rebar for a Christmas gift, something few have ever given because it reveals so little thought. But the reality is I don't think about you a whole lot. I do at Christmas time just because I get guilted into it by the other relatives. They say we're supposed to show thoughtfulness and be in the spirit of giving. And I am trying to do that. And I did just give. There, I gave. You've got it. The rebar done. Finito. You consider it a useless gift, don't you? But you're wrong there. You would be wrong to call it useless. Concrete is strong under compression, but it's weak under tension. Rebar made of steel is strong in tension. So by placing rebar in areas where tension is expected, it'll handle the tension while the concrete handles the compression. So it's not useless just because you can't find a use for it. That's irrelevant. It doesn't matter that you're never going to use it. It's the thought that counts. Is it a big thought? A warm thought? A big, long, drawn out thought? No, it's just a thought. Just a thought. I had to have a thought to even get this thing. And I had one. And that was my thought. And that's my gift, which is more than I give perfect strangers. So let's still call this a gift. It's not a great gift. I didn't gift wrap it. And the reason I didn't is it's last minute. I got it in the last 60 seconds. I know it's not your favorite gift, but all gifts, all gifts fall within a range of degrees of care and thoughtfulness and appreciation. All gifts are on a spectrum. There's nothing new here. Gifts I receive are on a spectrum. All gifts are on a spectrum. Someone has to give the more lame gifts to make the finer ones stick out. How would you know you got a finer gift if you never got a lame gift? In that way, I'm providing yet another service that is a kind of gift. So take the rebar, please, and run like a thief. No, you won't see any last minute gift buying suggestions mentioning rebar. That's a mishki last minute gift idea for you folks. Hey. Someone was arrested in Eng. Someone was arrested in England for. Someone was arrested in England for doing something that I've done all my life. When I was a kid, people forgave me. As I got older, they found it stupid and now they just think there's something wrong with me. But I still love going the wrong way on an escalator. I've always enjoyed that. And a woman got arrested in London and it's going to trial. She went the wrong way on an escalator. Doesn't say she was going down the up escalator or up the down escalator. But she is going to be put on trial. It's a lot of money. If she's found guilty, it's an extraordinary fine in England. She's pleaded not guilty. I wonder if not guilty means. Well, what would not guilty mean if she was found on the escalator going the wrong way? I guess she'd maybe argue. It looked like I was going the wrong way. I had dropped something and. And I was going up to get it. Well, that wouldn't make sense because what you dropped would be moving right along with you. I don't know how the not guilty thing works here. Maybe they got the wrong gal. 32 years old. Some people say that's a little old to be going the wrong way on a moving escalator. I'm still doing it in my 60s. There was a little grade school county fair last fall near my neighborhood. Little grade school fundraiser, county fair. I wanted. I wanted to go on all the rides. I'd get in line with all the kids. They weren't kids. Rides. I'm not getting in a little boat and going in a circle. These were regular rides, but no adults were going on them. The oldest person going on them was maybe 14. But I was in line. And when I got up there, the kids taking the tickets said, oh, sir, you can. You can go for free. They sort of saw me as mentally challenged, I think, or something. The other kids were looking at me funny, and then I'd go on another ride. And I loved them. I loved them the same way. I love going the wrong way on the escalator still. But I have never, ever imagined I could be arrested. And maybe you can't here in the States, but in England you can. And it's going to trial. They expect it to be a three hour trial. How would it be three hours? I went to trial one time. I was caught speeding on the way to KSTP. And I told the St. Paul cop, hey, don't show on the day I take this to court, okay? I hear if you don't show, it gets thrown out. Well, he not only showed, he brought half the department with him. So halfway through the whole trial, I just said, you know what, Judge? These officers are making a hell of a case. I think I'm guilty. That particular cop retired not too long after that, and I decided to go to his retirement party. And I took my gas pedal off my car and framed it and gave it to him as a gift. I think his name was Guyer. Officer Guyer. Why did I bring that up? Why'd I bring that up? Oh, getting arrested and going to trial. Yeah, Three hour trial. They're expecting, I don't know, maybe a lot of witnesses are being called. The whole thing seems silly, though, in 2025. I mean, read the paper the last few days. The horrific crimes occurring in this world, and someone's going the wrong way on an escalator. It's Rockwellian. It's beautiful, it's sweet, it's lovely. We should have more of that. I think it was one of the first acts of defiance as a child for me. Society wants us to go down the descending stairs and go up the ascending stairs. You're expected to comply. I think the first thing I realized when I was a little, little boy was the expectation to comply was something I simply was not comparing. Going to be able to go along with. A lot of the time I would, but not with regularity. The first time you go up the down staircase, there is no thrill you've known in life quite like that. Defiance is a thrill, and you learn that early. I remember one time in high school, a teacher was bouncing my head against a locker like a basketball. I was screwing around in the hallway, and this teacher took my head and he slammed it against the lockers several times in a rhythmic kind of staccato beat that went with these words. We do not do this at this school. How many hits is that? We do not do this at this school. 8. 8 times he slammed my head against the locker. More than that. Cause then he added, do you understand? That's five more syllables. So 13 times he bounced my head against the locker. We do not do this at this school. Do you understand? And I knew. I knew there was only one right answer. Yes. Yes. Who wouldn't understand what he just said? Especially when he was emphasizing it by smashing my head against a locker, it was quite obvious that what he was saying, it was very simple, plain English. Do you understand? But because the answer was obvious, so ridiculously obvious, I said, no, actually, I don't. That was a mistake. He began to play basketball with my head again. We do not do this at this school. Do you understand? 13 more bounces of my head against the lockers. And at that point, I realized, I think this could go on well into the late afternoon and early evening if I don't say, yeah, I understand. So I did say yes then. But even that no, for that little bit of time was kind of fun. It was going the wrong way on the escalator all over again. Except Now I was 14, and the first time I went up on escalator when the escalator was going down was when I was four. As I say, defiance is a thrill all by itself. You are told there is a right way, and you say, says who? I think I'll decide for me. Thank you very much. I say we go up the descending stairs. We fight the momentum. We battle the current. We do what no one else on the entire escalator is doing. Why? To stand amidst the throngs and say, I am. I am alive. I am not asleep. I shopped with you shoppers. I dined with you diners. I walked the mall with all you walkers. But when it came time to take the escalator, I did not join the herd. I went my way. I was a child going up the down staircase. And for a moment, I believed I was more alive than the rest of them. Whether I was or not, I don't know. But I believed I was more alive. And when I was going on those rides at that little grade school fundraiser, I felt alive. Why would it stop being fun? Why would it ever stop being fun to go on rides? The only thing that ever hits me and worries me a little bit when I go on rides is I've been going on them for so many years. I'm due for one of those tragic accidents that happen every now and then, the same way you feel you're due after a certain number of plane rides. I mean, sooner or later if you kept doing it, your plane would crash. And sooner or later I figure with these rides, one's gonna break and I'll be sent flying into some cottonwood trees or something. That's the only thing I think of. I never think the ride isn't going to be fun. I'll let you in on a little secret. I still think a swing is fun. I still get that little feeling in my stomach. On a regular swing set. There's got to be something that's not fun anymore that was once fun. Let me think. A Wheelo. A Wheelo is not fun anymore for me. When I first got one as a kid, I thought, this is pretty cool. This will get me by all summer for entertainment. That wouldn't do it. Now, I'm not certain how it ever did, but it did originally. By the way, what was the story behind the Wheelo? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? The Wheelo. You gotta be old, obviously, but it was a toy. Everybody loved them. When I was a kid, everybody loved Wheelos. Actually, while I'm on the subject, that may be a decent last minute gift idea. When you've got a Wheelo, what have you got? A super magnetic mystery top Wheelo. Wheelo. Spinning around, over and under and up and down. It's a super cute construction and it's a lot of fun. If your daddy sees it, then he'll want one. Twirling and swirling above and below. You'll never believe what a Wheelo can do. When you've got a Wheelo, what have you got? A super magnetic mystery top Wheelo. Another great toy by Tarco. You know what? I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to tell you about 0% financing. I'm not going to yell at you about sales events in all capital letters. I'm not going to pretend a car dealership is Disney World. Cause here's the truth. You're going to buy a car from someone eventually. And when you do, wouldn't it be nice if they just, oh, I don't know, treated you well? That's what Fury Motors has been doing since 63. Just treating people well. 62 years of deciding they're just not going to be jerks. They're going to treat people well. Which somehow the makes them the highest rated dealership. For customer satisfaction in the entire car industry. They've got Chrysler, they've got Dodge, they've got jeep in South St. Paul and Stillwater. They got brand new Fords in Waconia. They got new Buicks and GMCs and Forest Lake. But honestly, every single location does it the Fury way, which is just a fancy term for we're not going to make you hate yourself for walking onto a car lot. They have every make and model of used cars, too, but they're not going to waste any more of your time with this ad. They just want you to remember Fury.

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[Mishke]

Win money must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where Underdog Fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web playandgetterms dfs HTML for details offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concern with your play call 1-800- gambler or visit NCP in New York, call the 24.7hope line at 1-877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY 467-369. Here's what North American banking company knows that the big national banks don't. They know that the lake means exactly one thing to you, and it's not something you have to explain. They know what happened to foot traffic downtown after they rerouted the buses. They know why your restaurant does twice the business during the state fair. They know if the Twins make the playoffs, you're going to need a little flexibility on that payment schedule because every one of your employees called in sick. They know your kid's soccer coach. They financed his bakery three years ago. They know that pothole on Chicago Avenue has been there since March. And it isn't just annoying, it's costing your delivery business money in suspension, repairs the national banks. Oh, they know your credit score, they know your account balance. They know algorithms and quarterly projections. But they don't know here. They can't. Their people are in Charlotte and Dallas and Phoenix. And there's nothing wrong with Charlotte, Dallas or Phoenix. But it's not here. North American Banking Company. They're not just a bank. They're your neighbor who happens to be really good at banking. North American Banking Company member fdic. Equal housing lender. Speaking of kids toys, I want to say something about Ken, of Ken and Barbie fame. I've been doing a lot of reading this week about Ken. I didn't intend to. A story popped up. I read. Got me doing some research. I read some more. I became fascinated, fascinated by the development of Ken. And you'll understand why here shortly. Let me just read you what I have here. One morning in 1960, amid the euphoria of Barbie's first year, Mattel co founders Ruth and Elliot Handler had a debate. They brought in a toy marketing team and they brought in ad guys, called a group together to discuss a controversial topic. It was dividing people. At Mattel, many in America, parents, hearing from their kids, apparently were demanding a boyfriend for Barbie. I'm serious. It says here there was a demand for a boyfriend for Barbie Ruth. One of the owners said, our consumers pushed us in the Ken direction early, but a lot of people in our company were terrified of a boy doll. Now why were they terrified? Says Ruth. One of Barbie's distinguishing features was her anatomy. Any kid could pull down her shirt to find two tremendous emblems of adulthood. Those would be her breasts. Ruth figured Ken would have to have something distinguishing him as well. Some suggestion, she said, of his male organ. She said, I was ahead of my time in that respect, but I thought it was necessary. But a fight ensued. Ruth said, no, I didn't want him to actually have genitalia, but I wanted something outstanding. Nothing realistic, but some sort of bulge. This is Ruth talking top dog at Mattel. Her husband's oddly quiet through this. And actually at Mattel, Ruth says the men were terribly embarrassed even discussing this. Apparently, Barbie's breasts had been plenty controversial. Now, she didn't have nipples, but. But still a lot of people freaked out, apparently. But the Ken question, when it came to his anatomy, just about tore the company apart, she says. Ruth says she found allies with other women in the company, but it was a male dominated company. Some women wanted Ken to have a bulge. Others used the term bump. When the sculptors of Ken made the first model and it was identical to Barbie below the waist. Women at Mattel flipped out and voted it down. No way. And the designers went back to the drawing board and they came back with three different options. One, you couldn't see any bulge. One, there was a little bit of a rounded area and then pretty prominent. Ruth picked the middle option. She said, that looked nice and about right. The men were just flipping out. She says they argued for just painting on a permanent swimsuit. I'm serious here. The men wanted to paint a permanent swimsuit on Ken. And you know what Ruth said? She said, no way, guys. You know what's going to happen? Every little girl in this country is going to scratch the paint off to see what's under that swimsuit. Well, anyway, it was going to have that little bulge until the molds went off to Japan for manufacturing and people realized how much more expensive it was going to be. I know this sounds weird, but adding a bulge to kin was a cent and a half more plastic per doll. That was too much money, apparently. And they decided, to hell with it, we'll go back to making them look just like Barbie below the waist. So the Ken that debuted in March of 61 was smooth and commando. They didn't paint on the little shorts. Ruth was ticked off about this. She thought that was embarrassing to put out a Ken doll like that. She said the Ken doll had no bulge at all. It was completely unrealistic. Apparently they did this behind her back. She said, I never forgave those people. The reason I'm bringing this up isn't because Ken's a great last minute Christmas gift. I'm bringing it up because men and women were going to work in the early 1960s and spending, and spending a lot of time on this. I want to move to the fellas. When the guys went home at night after a hard day, holding their briefcase, walking in the front door, giving their wife a hug, what was the conversation like at the dinner table? What was the conversation like at the bar at happy hour? This went on for a long time, months, this discussion. There were grown men talking about Ken's genitalia and whether it should be there. And this was roughly around the time Kennedy was dealing with the Cuban Missile crisis. I mean, there's a guy getting some stuff done at work. I sometimes think, what would happen if these Mattel guys ran into Kennedy at the end of a hard day at the bar? Kennedy'd be asking, what have you fellas been up to? Well, Mr. President, we're businessmen, you know, so we've been doing business stuff. Mostly. And Kennedy would say, oh, business stuff. What's been the big effort lately? Anything interesting? Well, Mr. President, not quite like your Cuban Missile crisis. You know, nothing that fancy, nothing that earth shaking. Although to us, it's a big deal. I mean, there have been some elements of leadership involved in what we've been doing. Oh, really? Kennedy would say, how have you led, fellas? Tell me about the areas in which you've led. Well, the fellas would say we. We've been. We've been trying to make sure Ken, the new boyfriend of Barbie, we've been trying to make sure he doesn't have anything remotely close to a bulge in his pants. Come again? The Ken doll, sir. We have fought the ladies on this bulge issue. They've been big on the bulge. We've been trying to play that down. We don't even want to hint that Ken might have a yoinky, sir. This is what you fellows do for a living? Well, of late, that's been our priority. Yes, sir. I see. Okay, fellas. Well, I have about a dozen jokes forming in my head right now, but I'm gonna step back from all of that and just say, hope you've found meaning in your lives. And I am going to move on with my day. Okay, Mr. President, great talking to you. Thanks for buying around, by the way. You want us to show you the big win in all its glory? We have the final Ken doll doesn't even have a bulge. That's what we wanted and we won. Show him, Kenny. Pull down Ken's pants. That's all right, fellas. I'm due for a Senate meeting on some issues involving Vietnam. Oh, come on, real quick, Mr. President, just look at Ken's groin. Show him Ken's groin, fellas. Let go of my arm, sir. Come on. We know what you've been doing. That old Cuban thing. Let us show you what we've been doing. Secret Service. Secret Service. It all started at the dance.

[Nathan]

Barbie, the famous teenage fashion model doll by Mattel, felt that this was to be as. As special night. And then it happened. She met Ken.

[Mishke]

And somehow she knew that she and.

[Nathan]

Ken would be going together.

[Mishke]

So now Mattel brings you Ken, Barbie's.

[Nathan]

Boyfriend, with a complete wardrobe of perfectly tailored clothes of unmatched quality. Now, Ken and Barbie meet for lunch.

[Mishke]

At school, go to fraternity parties and just relax together.

[Nathan]

Get both Barbie and Ken and see.

[Mishke]

Where the romance will lead. You know what I would have done when I was a kid? I'd have thrown the two dolls in the backyard and told my Parents. I'm gonna see where that romance goes. I'm gonna monitor it. Every day before school, I'm gonna run out in the backyard, see if anything's happening. I'll monitor that romance. Because the way the ad reads, I'm not creating the romance. It already exists, and it's going somewhere, and I can monitor that. I can kind of see where it goes. Maybe you got to stick them in water. Okay, I gotta make a call. I saw an ad where some guys will make a snowman for you in your backyard for money. I know. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you'll make your own snowman. Okay, I get it. I'll make my own snowman, too. But these guys are for hire. In case you want a snowman made in your backyard. I just have to call him. Having recently interviewed the fella who wrote the book on the history of the snowman, I just have to make this call. Quintessential Minnesota business. We make snowmen.

[Conrad Johnson]

Hello.

[Nathan]

This is Evan.

[Mishke]

Hey, Evan. It's Mishke. How you doing?

[Nathan]

Doing good. How about you?

[Mishke]

All right. So who are you guys?

[Nathan]

I'm Evan, this is Henry, and we build snowmen.

[Mishke]

How old are you?

[Nathan]

I'm 18. I'm 19.

[Mishke]

How long have you guys been building snowmen?

[Nathan]

This is actually our first year.

[Mishke]

Well, I've been building snowmen my entire life. I should be doing this. You haven't built snowmen until this year?

[Nathan]

Well, we've done it for fun our entire life here in Minnesota.

[Mishke]

Can't anyone make their own snowman?

[Nathan]

Maybe some people want it professionally done.

[Mishke]

How do you guys qualify as professionals?

[Nathan]

We get the job done.

[Mishke]

I hope that's not your pitch.

[Nathan]

Hey, if you want a good snowman outside, we're the people to call.

[Mishke]

How good are you at it? It says 25 bucks for a regular old snowman, 60 bucks for a fancy one.

[Nathan]

Our mom say it's pretty good.

[Mishke]

Well, that's quite an endorsement. How many people have hired you so far?

[Nathan]

I'd say we have about four jobs lined up here.

[Mishke]

You're just waiting for sticky snow, I take it?

[Nathan]

Yeah, it's not good snow right now. Not yet. We're hoping with the warmer weather, it.

[Mishke]

Gets better snow the second we get the sticky stuff. You have four snowmen already commissioned?

[Nathan]

Yep, we sure do.

[Mishke]

Fancy one or regular one?

[Nathan]

So far, regular ones.

[Mishke]

I wonder why the people don't want a fancy one. What do I get for a fancy one?

[Nathan]

Good top hat, maybe a little coat, scarf.

[Mishke]

Where do you get that? Stuff.

[Nathan]

Goodwill. Oh, yeah. I'm serious. We could build one for you.

[Mishke]

Well, what else is fancy about it? Just the clothing. What about making a really cool one when you sculpt the snow doing something unusual or clever or innovative.

[Nathan]

We could put a nice fancy cigar on there.

[Mishke]

I don't know if you're familiar at all with the controversy when the Ken doll was first made. Are you familiar at all with that?

[Nathan]

I'm not. Oh, no.

[Mishke]

When the Ken doll was first made, there was a lot of debate about how realistic it should be. Now, in your case, you're making a male snow sculpture, right? This is a snowman, correct?

[Nathan]

Mm, we sure are.

[Mishke]

Maybe with the fancy version, you could get a bit more realistic.

[Nathan]

Okay. Oh, yeah. I like the idea.

[Mishke]

You do? None of the guys did in the early 60s. They hated it. They didn't want anything to do with that.

[Nathan]

Maybe. Maybe not then.

[Mishke]

Well, I mean, it's up to you guys. So you came up with this how?

[Nathan]

It was Actually, my buddy here, he could tell you the story.

[Mishke]

All right, let's hear it.

[Nathan]

Well, my friend here got into Christmas lights and everything, so I'm like, might as well do snowman with them.

[Mishke]

Brilliant.

[Nathan]

Yeah.

[Mishke]

You mean your friend was getting paid to put up Christmas lights?

[Nathan]

Yeah, he's. He's got a little business himself. And I'm like, might as well put up snowmen. We can do snowmen for people. Two birds with one stone.

[Mishke]

I will say, $25 for a snowman ain't a bad deal. I mean, having made quite a few snowmen, those things can get heavy. When you're picking up the last one and putting it on for the head. The first one's easy because you don't have to lift it. The middle section's a little tricky. And then the head can be tough. I mean, if you're lifting up a big size head.

[Nathan]

Yeah. You might need a ladder sometimes too.

[Mishke]

You guys aren't building anything that big.

[Nathan]

Hey, if someone wants to pay extra, we could build a big snowman for them.

[Mishke]

Well, wait a minute. Will $60 get me one? Where you need a ladder?

[Nathan]

Sure. We could build like a seven foot snowman.

[Mishke]

Well, I might be paying you now. I didn't know we were going there. If you're doing that, suddenly it's getting more interesting to me.

[Nathan]

Yeah, whatever gets the jobs.

[Mishke]

Seven footer.

[Nathan]

We could try. We need that ladder, but we could try. I think we were able to.

[Mishke]

What about the clothing for a seven footer? That's gonna get tricky.

[Nathan]

We're gonna run into Problems there.

[Mishke]

You guys haven't done a single snowman yet? Not yet, but people are lining up already. And you've never done this before in your life?

[Nathan]

We built some in our yard.

[Mishke]

Were you any good at it, though? I mean, everybody can make a snowman. A five year old can make a snowman. I mean, is there anything about your skills that's different from the average person?

[Nathan]

It looks great. I mean symmetrical.

[Mishke]

Tell me how you build the ideal snowman.

[Nathan]

Rub it down, get it all smooth and stuff. Get a nice big carrot. Make sure it's all symmetrical. Get a nice top hat, all the good stuff.

[Mishke]

What about for the face?

[Nathan]

You know, the classic snowman look?

[Mishke]

What is the classic snowman look?

[Nathan]

Carrot nose. Frosty. The snowman's a good representation of it.

[Mishke]

Well, wait a minute. Beyond the carrot. If this is a classic face, give me the other ingredients.

[Nathan]

Okay, fine. We'll do a carrot. Button eyes and button mouth.

[Mishke]

I think a couple of pieces of coal are typically used, are they not?

[Nathan]

I guess you're right. Actually, now I think of it, we'll get some coal eyes on there.

[Mishke]

You guys want to give out your phone number? Sure, go ahead and give it out. Maybe you'll get some business.

[Nathan]

The phone number is 651-279-1951.

[Mishke]

You guys are going to be in trouble when the next sticky snowfall comes because you're going to be inundated with work. You have other things you do right with your lives.

[Nathan]

Yeah, we have normal day jobs and we also snow shovel. I mean, I have a Christmas lights business. It gets pretty busy around this time of year.

[Mishke]

If you think of it, text me some pictures of your snowmen when you make them.

[Nathan]

Oh, I will. I'll make sure to do that.

[Mishke]

I admire your ingenuity.

[Nathan]

Thank you very much.

[Mishke]

All the best. I hope you get some calls.

[Nathan]

I hope so, too.

[Mishke]

Glad you were able to take time to visit with me.

[Nathan]

Thank you very much for having us on.

[Mishke]

You guys take care now.

[Nathan]

Thank you very much. See you.

[Mishke]

Bye. Bye. There's a news story out there right now that just drives home the value of the Wellshire Memory Care center in Medina and Bloomington. Fox 9 News locally has been doing an investigative piece that is just powerfully disturbing. This is happening in assisted living facilities, senior living facilities. They're repeatedly calling 911 after refusing to pick up fallen elderly residents. The no touch and no lift policies are because of workman's compensation fears if the people lifting injure their backs. A tragic case recently resulted in one elderly person dying because they were compressed where they fell over and they suffocated. People stood around and said don't lift them, don't touch them. We have a don't lift rule and because they didn't lift them, this person died. This would never, ever, ever happen. At the well Shire. Their insurance companies will say we won't insure you unless you have a no lift policy with people who fall over. And the well Shire will say, well, then we'll get a different insurance company because the heck if we're not picking up people who fall over. There is an inhuman quality to a lot of the care out there. People make sure you understand what the rules are at the places you bring your loved one for memory care. It's unconscionable what's being done at some of these places and the consequences are just horrific. Tour the Wellshire of Bloomington and Medina and see what true human love and human care means it's that time of.

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[Mishke]

Win Money must be 18 + 19 + in Alabama, Nebraska, 19 + in Colorado for some games, 21 + in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web playandgetterms dfs HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit ncpgambling.org in New York, call the 247 Hope Line at 1-877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny 467-369. You know somebody's staring at you. Not in a creepy way. They're staring in a good way. They're looking at your face and they're thinking, where'd you get those glasses, pal? Happens all the time with people who buy Their eyewear at Spectacle Shop. Here's the thing, and I mean this. Nobody else in America has what Spectacle Shop has. They have the largest collection of vintage frames of anyone in all of North America. Actual vintage, never before worn eyewear frames from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s. Frames designed when people really knew how to make quality frames. You should see the difference. They also have designer frames so exclusive, the big chain stores don't even know they exist yet. This is a family owned business, voted best eyewear shop in Minnesota the last five years in a row by readers of the Star Tribune. Spectacle Shop, four Twin Cities locations. All right, time to make a listener call. This person listens from an embassy, from a US embassy where he's a US diplomat. It takes all kinds to make up the Mishki listenership. Let's make a call to some embassy somewhere in the world. Hello, Nathan. Hey. Where the hell are you out here?

[Nathan]

All the way in Angola. Luanda. Angola.

[Mishke]

I knew eventually if I did this radio podcasting stuff long enough, I put in a call to Angola.

[Nathan]

Well, you got me.

[Mishke]

I know absolutely nothing about Angola.

[Nathan]

You go South Africa at the very bottom there, and then you stick to the west coast and you got Namibia above that. And then Angola is above Namibia. And it's a Portuguese speaking country colonized by the Portuguese who were here for five, six hundred years. And then after the Carnation Revolution, they call it In Portugal, in 1974, the Portuguese left Angola.

[Mishke]

Is there a language called Angolan?

[Nathan]

There's no language called Angolan. You have various tribes here. They have their own tribal languages. Now, one thing that's kind of sad, though, is a lot of them have lost that. The Angolans, now they're trying to bring back the ethnic languages in their schools and whatnot. So most of them speak Portuguese at home. They have Portuguese names. And so coming here, I was kind of interested in that legacy. And I'm really surprised since I got here. I actually came here from Portugal. I was in Portugal for two years before this. And there really doesn't seem to be any animosity at all towards Portugal. They keep a lot of the cultures, the traditions that the Portuguese introduced and even support the main Portuguese soccer clubs. No animosity whatsoever, it seems.

[Mishke]

Is life good there for you?

[Nathan]

I can't complain. Life is good. Right now. It's our summer down here and it's about 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Beautiful beaches, palm trees. I go back and forth to work. I got a shell driver that picks me up. And right now, me and the family, we're in a nice gated community.

[Mishke]

Wait a minute.

[Nathan]

The government puts up in a decent.

[Mishke]

House, 80 degrees, palm trees and beaches. You have a chauffeur taking you to and from work, and you live in a gated community. And the best we get out of you is can't complain.

[Nathan]

I've only been here four months and.

[Mishke]

You are doing what for a living? What is your job?

[Nathan]

I'm the guy you want to see. If you're in a foreign country and you get arrested, you get robbed, you end up in prison, I'm the main go to. For an American that needs any sort of assistance or has an emergency in country, I'm the guy.

[Mishke]

In the four months you've been there, has there been an American dealing with an emergency?

[Nathan]

I gotta be careful because I don't like to talk too much about what happened recently, but I could tell you about a time I worked in Thailand. That was my first post. Be okay if I told you I got a lot of good Thailand stories and it's not so recent.

[Mishke]

Let's go with Thailand.

[Nathan]

So I'm in my office and I get a call from the Thai immigration police at the airport. You know, I say, this is Nathan from the United States Embassy. And they go, hey, Nathan, Nathan, we have an American here. And he overstayed his visa and he won't pay his fee. And I say, well, how much does he owe? And they say, it's $40. And so I'm like, $40? Okay, put him on the phone. So a guy gets on the phone and I go to him, hey, sir, I heard you're having some issues. And he said, I didn't overstay my visa. And he's going on. He's worked up, right? So I say, well, sir, here's the deal. You can either pay the $40 or you can fight for your day in court. And what that's going to mean is you're going to spend three months in Thai jail while you wait your court date. Keep in mind, this is during the time of COVID So I said, you're a grown adult. I can't make you do anything. It's either pay the $40 or go to Thai jail while you wait your court date. And he says, I'm not paying anything. He gives the post back to the Thai police. And I say, you know, hey, sorry, you know, he's. He's not going to pay. They hang up. All right. So about a week goes by and I get a call and it's from the jail. And they say, really, we're giving this guy a second chance. Can you talk to him again? So they put him on the phone and I'm like, sir, you're really not going to pay $40? And he, oh, Nathan, I don't believe I'm going to be here for three months. They're bluffing. And I'm going to call their bluff and I'm going to be out of here by the end of the week. And I say, sir, you're not. I've been working this job for a while. You're looking at three months. And I don't know what you know about Thai prisons or Thai jails, but that's not going to be a good three months of your life. And he says, nope, Nathan, I know you're trying to help me, but I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to be out of here by the end of the week. So I say, all right, sir. And, you know, we go our separate ways. So as I mentioned, my job was going to the prisons and visiting the Americans. And he was tougher than I thought because during the daytime they'd put about 100 people out on a basketball court with fences all around them, and they'd just kind of be sitting there in the sun. And then for sustenance, they'd give you basically rice and maybe a little bit of fish and not a lot to eat. And you'd be sleeping on concrete floors, usually in a cell with four or five or six other guys. So, I mean, don't ask me after that time why he was still so optimistic, but he was going to stick it out.

[Mishke]

Then what happens?

[Nathan]

About a month later, I get a call and it says, hey, Nathan, this is the prison. Unfortunately, that American, he had Covid and he's now in critical condition on a ventilator. And so I do my thing and I go, do everything you can to save him. And they did, but the guy ended up passing away. Right now my job is to track down his next of kin. I found out as well that this gentleman actually had a secret Thai family as well in Thailand that nobody states I knew about. And so I had to break the news to them there. And then I'm walking them down. What actually happened? I'm thinking to myself, don't ask how much that fine was. That's kind of an extreme example of what my day to day job entails here in the foreign service.

[Mishke]

Wow, how long you think you're gonna do that job?

[Nathan]

I want to get back to Minnesota. I'm from Cannon Falls there. And so Cannon Falls, my family and friends.

[Mishke]

Cannon Falls. You are a long way from home, my friend. The old Cann. You miss Scofield Drug?

[Nathan]

Yeah. Scofield was there forever and. Yeah, yeah, I missed Scofield Drug, that's for sure.

[Mishke]

The old man's boy was my buddy and roommate up at St. John's when I was in college. No way. Oh yeah, I knew a little bit about Cannon Falls.

[Nathan]

I know you're a music person, so I don't know if you didn't know this fun filled fact about Cannon Falls, but Pachyderm Studio is in Cannon Falls. Well, I don't know if it's still no longer running, but they did some famous recordings. It's a recording studio just outside Cannon Falls. I know Nirvana recorded there. Other famous ones you'd recognize, but I don't remember them offhand.

[Mishke]

I've got a story for you. Not only do I know about Pachyderm, it absolutely still exists. I was involved in a weird story with Pachyderm Boy. How much time do you have? Years and years ago, long before I got into radio, I ran a little music club and we had live music seven nights a week, sometimes two acts a night. I liked music. I played a little music myself. So it was. It was pleasant. My job was. Once the band was playing, pour myself a drink and listen. Just make sure everything worked out at the beginning and the end and in between, just enjoy the music and have a drink And I was a young man, I was in my 20s. And I decided one day that I wanted to see if I could get Ramblin Jack Elliott to come and play. Now Ramblin Jack was well known in Greenwich Village in the early 60s as being one of the crew. There was Dylan, there was Dave Van Rock, Tom Paxton. I can't remember all the different people back then, but Jack Elliot had been a best pal of Woody Guthrie. They had traveled together. A lot of people don't know this, but in the Dylan movie out recently, it wasn't Pete Seeger who was in that hospital room when Bob Dylan met Woody Guthrie. It was Ramblin Jack Elliot. They played fast and loose with the facts in that film. It was Ramblin Jack who was there, Woody's dear friend. So Ramblin Jack Elliot's kind of a legend. He's a well known figure in music circles. He's good pals with so many different great musicians. You can watch the Johnny Cash show from the 60s and see him on with Johnny. He was Making albums with Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead later on in life. And he knew everybody. Buddies with Willie Nelson, and just one of these guys who knew everybody and had been everywhere. And I wanted to have him on my stage. So I called him up. I got ahold of him in California, and I asked what he needed in the way of money. And then I divided it up and figured out what I had to charge for tickets. I divided up how many seats I had. And of course, I'd have to cover the plane fare. And I'd have to put them up at my house, which I was happy to do. And I wanted him to show up on Woody's birthday, Woody Guthrie's birthday, the 14th of July. And I wanted him to read from Bound for Glory, Woody's great book. And then I wanted him to talk about Woody. And then I wanted him to play. And I was gonna pay him whatever he needed for that. So he came out, and it was kind of a big deal. A lot of people called me up from around town, said, you got Jack Elliot coming? One of the guys who called me was Bob Feldman, a record producer. And he knew that Jack Elliot hadn't made a record in decades. And he thought maybe he could get Jack to make a record while he's in town. Well, Jack didn't trust record producers. He didn't trust anyone in the record industry. They had apparently screwed him over time and time again. So Bob Feldman asked me if I would talk Jack into making an album. I kind of knew Bob, and he said, vouch for me, Mishke. Tell him what a great guy I am. Well, Jack was staying at my house, and one morning I decided to invite Bob over. And we all sat around the breakfast table and talked. Lo and behold, Jack decides, sure, Mishke, you're vouching for him. Seems like a good guy. Okay, let's do it. I'll do an album with this guy. So we ended up driving down to Pachyderm Studios. It was a strange night. I was with Jack in the studio, and I was the only one with him there. And he wanted me to stay because he said, I prefer to play to an audience. I don't want to just look through the glass at the engineer. I want to play to somebody. There were no other chairs in the room. He was on the only chair. So I sat on the floor in front of him, and he proceeded to play. Now, Pachyderm has all these windows that look out on the woods. And it's lovely when the sun is up. Even when the sun is setting, but after the sun goes down, if you don't turn on any lights, it's pitch black in there. Jack didn't want any lights on. So as he played and the time went by, it got darker and darker. Pretty soon we were in a pitch black room and I'm sitting on the floor in front of him and he's running through these songs. And I'm just saying to myself, this is odd. It's wonderful, but it's odd. I should also mention there was some tequila going into him and a fair amount of marijuana. Bob was a little worried that the tequila and the marijuana might be messing with the quality. Bob was paying him money whether he produced the record or not. So Jack was getting the money either way, but Bob wasn't necessarily getting the recording he wanted either way. Anyway, when it was all said and done, Bob wasn't wildly enamored with the product and it sat on a shelf at Red House Records. And time went by. One day, a few years later, I get a call from Bob and he's telling me, I'm thanking you in the. What do you call it? Not the credits of the album, in the acknowledgments. I don't know what you call it, where you thank people. He says, I'm thanking you. And I said, what do you mean? He says, well, I decided to finally put it out. It won the Grammy for Best Folk Album of the year.

[Nathan]

No way. At Pachyderm. And you were there for the dark recording.

[Mishke]

It won the damn Grammy.

[Nathan]

And you were there. And it was also in Cannon Falls.

[Mishke]

I was there. Cannon Falls was there. Tequila was there. Marijuana was there. Darkness was there. Jack Elliot was there.

[Nathan]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Mishke]

When you say Pachyderm, that story pops into my head. I haven't thought about that in a while.

[Nathan]

Now I have a story to tell the locals when I'm back. When I'm back in Cannon Falls now. They always like to hear the stories like that because I haven't heard that one told around town before. So we'll get a kick out of that for sure.

[Mishke]

The album is called South Coast. Here's the other crazy thing I mentioned. Bob Scofield, my St. John's roommate. Yeah, my other St. John's roommate. After the recording, Bob says to me, I should get some photos of Jack in case we end up doing the album. Do you know any photographers? And I said, you don't? And he said, well, I mean, Jack's leaving tomorrow. I mean, I gotta get someone now. I Don't know anybody who could do it last minute. So I called my buddy, my other roommate from St. John's and he said, yeah, I'll take the photos. So his photos are the photos for the album.

[Nathan]

Oh, what? No way.

[Mishke]

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[Nathan]

Tommy Mischke is a paid endorser.

[Mishke]

1918, the year Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, heating and Air opened their doors. Babe Ruth was still pitching for the Red Sox. The Model T cost 260 bucks, but if your boiler broke in January, you knew who to call. Because back then, boilers weren't some mystery. They were how you survived and the people who understood them. They were legends in the neighborhood. 107 years later, Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, Heating and Air is still here. They're still here. And here's what's wild. Most heating companies today will come out, look at your boiler and shrug. We don't know boilers. That's Old World stuff, not msp. They're the most sophisticated operation in the Twin Cities, and they still remember boilers because they've done it all. That's what happens when you've been around as long as they have. They've been mastering the Air in homes around the Twin Cities. And since your great grandparents bought their first house, Minneapolis, St. Paul, plumbing, heating and air. Some things should not change, like who you Trust when it's 20 below. Now, speaking of stories, may we go back to 2009? I was working for City Pages. I was a columnist, and I was doing a podcast for them. You get a hold of me then about your grandpa, right? Yeah.

[Nathan]

Yeah, for sure. I'd always been a big fan since college, so I started listening to you in, oh, about 2000. I went to Augsburg there in Minneapolis and started in 99, so became a big fan of yours there and always followed. So you went to City Pages? Yeah, I was continuing listening and. But I thought, hey, I bet grandpa might be a good interview with his story. And. Yeah. So I reached out to you and.

[Mishke]

You told me the story of your grandpa, and I said, damn right. I'd like to talk to that fella. So you told me about your grandpa, and it was a lovely story, and I think people should hear some of it. So I'm gonna play it. Here's a little bit of Nathan's grandpa. Hello, this is Mishke calling from St. Paul, Minneapolis.

[Conrad Johnson]

Hello, how are you doing?

[Mishke]

Real good. Do you have your. Is it a whiskey or bourbon you were going to have handy for this call?

[Conrad Johnson]

I'm a brandy man.

[Mishke]

Brandy, I know that this is not something you normally like to do, so I appreciate you spending a few minutes with me. I just am intrigued by what occurred in your life so many years ago now, a story you're probably sick of telling, but could you pass along to the folks what happened that fateful day?

[Conrad Johnson]

I guess so. I got married at 18 years old in 1955, and I broke my leg in 1956. A tree got me in the woods, and so I was not able to go back to the woods. And In January of 1957, I was driving truck taking a load of lumber to St. Paul. I met a cattle truck, and as we met, the roof blew off. This cattle truck landed on the fender of my truck, and two by four, come through the cowling under the dash, went through me, through the seat behind me, and hit the back of the cab.

[Mishke]

Now, number one, the hope is that you passed out immediately.

[Conrad Johnson]

No.

[Mishke]

Ouch. The second thing is, I know when the body has extreme shock, it can kind of shut down some of the pain sensations. Was that the case here?

[Conrad Johnson]

That's pretty much the case. I pulled the truck over to the side of the road and I looked down and seen this two by Four stuck against my belly. And I didn't have a tremendous pain, more of a sick feeling. So I tried to pull this thing out. I didn't think it was in me right away. I didn't think it could be or I wouldn't be looking at it. So I tried pulling it out. And then some blood started running down the two by four. So that's when I thought, man, I'm in trouble. No one seemed to come to help me. The guy that driving the other truck, he started picking up debris off the highway. And I tried flickering the lights at a car coming. And then the wiring started to burn in the truck. So I made sure everything was shut off. And then I sat there. What seemed like minutes was probably seconds, but I threw my jacket out on the highway hoping the car would run into it or whatever.

[Mishke]

Are you aware at this point that the two by four has not only gone into you, but through you and through the backseat?

[Conrad Johnson]

No, but when the doctor came out there and had me lean ahead so he could look behind me and I said, is it way through, Doc? And he didn't answer me so. Well, I think I got a problem.

[Mishke]

You didn't happen to know this doctor, did you?

[Conrad Johnson]

Yes, I did. He patched me up a few times before.

[Mishke]

He's clearly never come across anything like this before.

[Conrad Johnson]

No.

[Mishke]

I'd be curious to know if any doctor in history has where the person was still alive and communicating. But you wanted to know if in fact you were pinned all the way through to that seat. And he didn't answer because he didn't want to scare you. And that was affirmative in your mind. And what happened next?

[Conrad Johnson]

The doctor asked if I had a saw in the truck to saw the 2 by 4 off, which I did. So a guy there run up to a farmer and he'd just come home from town, got his saw sharpened, he brought it down and people around there held it, tried to steady the two by four while the doctor sawed it off.

[Mishke]

Where are we in the pain department right about now?

[Conrad Johnson]

Well, I remember saying to him, doc, I don't feel so good. Can you give me something? And he said, can you roll up your sleeve? Well, this is 52 years ago. And that old truck wasn't very warm, so I had a lot of clothes on and I said. He said, no, no, don't bother. And he just put the needle through the clothes and all and he gave me that shot or something to calm me down. Then the pain wasn't. I don't remember it being that bad.

[Mishke]

Okay, and what are they going to try to do? Are they going to try to saw between your body and the back of the front seat?

[Conrad Johnson]

Well, they saw it off between my body and the dash in the truck and then they slid me forward somehow and wiggled me out of the truck.

[Mishke]

Wait a minute. How could they wiggle you out? Isn't it still pinning you into the seat?

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah, well, they had to wiggle me ahead. After they saw the two by four off that he took the piece that was still sticking under the dash, they pulled that out so they could slide me ahead. And then when they got the two by four out of the seat, then they turned me and there's a little bit in there. I don't remember too good, just how they got me on the stretcher or where that other end was sticking on the stretcher, where they cut a hole in the stretcher or not, I don't know.

[Mishke]

So at this point, the 2 by 4 is still through you, but it's a smaller piece of wood at this point, allowing them to move you, right?

[Conrad Johnson]

Yes.

[Mishke]

Had anybody up till now said anything along the lines of good God or what the hell?

[Conrad Johnson]

The first guy that stop, he come walking across the highway. He's saying, what's the matter? And I said, I got a two by four in my gut. He couldn't hear me. He walked up to the truck, he said, what's the matter? I said, I got a two by four in my gut. And he opened the door and the poor guy turned white as snow. First thing he said is, are you Catholic? I'll get a priest.

[Mishke]

And that doctor thought he was going to have to give you bad news. Nothing worse than hearing that that was pre Vatican ii, when the priest was just coming for last rites, not to help you get better when you're sick.

[Conrad Johnson]

I was able to answer him. I said, no, I want a doctor.

[Mishke]

Let's do that first.

[Conrad Johnson]

He said, oh, I'll go to Hampton, get a doctor. And I said, no, Cannon Falls. I don't know if you know the area down here, but Hampton didn't have a doctor. And so he went into Cannon Falls. Or he went someplace and got over, contacted a doctor, and it was kind of handy. In them days, the ambulance and hearse was the same machine. So if I didn't make it, I was already in the hearse.

[Mishke]

Hopefully. It looked more like an ambulance, though.

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mishke]

When you got to the hospital, how confident were you that because you were not dead already that this was something you could survive?

[Conrad Johnson]

I really wondered. We drove by My house on the way to Rochester. And I seen that house. And I remember going through my mind, will I ever see that again? But when we got to the hospital, they had called ahead that we were coming. And two guys come out and grab the stretcher. They're taking me in. They had a blanket over me, and I suppose they thought it was my knee. But as we're going in the door, the two by four caught the side of the door. That one just about putting me, put me unconscious. I got in a room, emergency room there. And the last thing I remembered was the two nurses standing there and asked if I care if they cut my clothes off. And I said, no, I don't care. Go ahead. Scissors come up each leg. And they folded my clothes off of me.

[Mishke]

Did you then wake up with the 2x4 completely out of you?

[Conrad Johnson]

Yep.

[Mishke]

How did it avoid or didn't it? Major organs, your spine, things like that.

[Conrad Johnson]

It went right through the sacrum, that wider plate in the bottom of your backbone there. It poked a hole in that and it ripped the top off my bladder. And they took out some intestines, a few feet of intestines, but they patched all that up. And I had a colostomy for a few weeks. And I had a catheter going right into the bladder for several weeks.

[Mishke]

Did this make the newspapers?

[Conrad Johnson]

It sure did. Some friends that I was going to join the army with said they read it in the military paper over in Korea. So it must have hit the news pretty good.

[Mishke]

It sure must have. Of course, that was the end of the army career, I suppose.

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah. Right after that, I did get called to the draft, but I took it down the doctor and he said, no, they don't want you. He said, I'll take care of that.

[Mishke]

Did they just throw the board away, by the way, afterwards or.

[Conrad Johnson]

I asked if I could see it or have it, and the answer I got was it's in the hands of the Mayo Clinic attorneys. And so I don't have the part that was actually in me, but I do have the part that was cut away. Yeah.

[Mishke]

Wow. Still have that. Now, what did they say or did they. Was the reason somehow you got lucky? Even though it's very difficult to see how there's luck involved in this other than bad luck. But what did they say? Did they say inch either way, you're a goner. I mean, what do they say about how you were fortunate here?

[Conrad Johnson]

Well, one of the things was in high school, I got a RUP playing football. I got ruptured and they did say that because of that surgery I had for the rupture, there's two, I don't know the name for them that go down because of that operation. These two nerves were separated and the 2x4 went between them. Had it severed either one, I would have been paralyzed from the waist and down.

[Mishke]

Wow.

[Conrad Johnson]

What they told the family when I got out of surgery was if I made it, the most serious thing was infection because this 2x4 was full of rusty nails and cow shit and whatever.

[Mishke]

So now you get to say I not only had a 2x4 go through my body, a 2x4 with rusty nails and cow shit. That adds to the story, if you ask me.

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah, right.

[Mishke]

Because you get an average Menards 2x4, it's not as bad of a deal fresh off the shelf. So they told you infection was the biggest worry, right?

[Conrad Johnson]

That's what they told the family. And I think I got probably. Probably gallons of penicillin.

[Mishke]

How long were you in the hospital?

[Conrad Johnson]

Six weeks in the hospital and eight months. And I didn't work then I started with some light duty stuff.

[Mishke]

How old were you at this time?

[Conrad Johnson]

I was 20 years old when it happened.

[Mishke]

Good Lord. 20 years old. Welcome to adulthood. Hopefully nothing as bad has happened since then.

[Conrad Johnson]

Nothing that bad. I did have a truck accident where I punctured a lung and broke some ribs and got a hole in my lip, knocked tooth out. That was another truck. Later, after I got back into logging on my own, I was going down the hill and a car coming up the hill passed a semi, and he slid right crossways in front of me. The logs went. Pushed the headache rack down on the cab and went down the highway. So I got banged up pretty good in that one, but I've been pretty good after that.

[Mishke]

You ever think of just, I don't know, staying away from wood? You continued to stay in the biz, huh?

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah, I did. I went into excavating for a while because I didn't feel I could hold up my hand at the logging and the sawmill. So I'd done that for about five years. And then I'd log in the wintertime. And logging just. I guess that 2x4 must have just put the sawdust in my blood. Probably a year, year and a half after this accident, I had like a little pimple on my stomach and I scratched it and a piece of wood comes squirting out. Size of a wooden farmer match, you.

[Mishke]

Know, a little splinter saying, well, the mama board's gone. Let's get out of Here ourselves. Guys. It's an amazing story. You're how old now?

[Conrad Johnson]

I'm 72.

[Mishke]

And what do you do with your days these days? I understand you might have been out today, perhaps getting some maple syrup out of a tree.

[Conrad Johnson]

Yeah, I tap maple syrup and I got firewood. And I help my boy out at the sawmill once in a while. A little bit. I keep busy. Enough.

[Mishke]

Your boy's got it in his blood, too, now.

[Conrad Johnson]

Yep. Right.

[Mishke]

Conrad Johnson. It's an amazing story. I want to thank you for telling it. It's not a story people run into too often, so I appreciate you passing it along. I find it absolutely remarkable, and I thank you for taking the time to pass it along. Have a good day and thank your grandson for putting this together when you talk to him.

[Conrad Johnson]

Okay.

[Mishke]

Bye. Bye.

[Nathan]

He still. He's still kicking. He's 90 years old, still living at home. He lives in the woods just south of Cannon Falls. He lives deep in the wood there. He's an old logger and.

[Mishke]

Are you telling me I could still, in 20, 25, drive down to the woods and find that old guy in his 90s living by himself?

[Nathan]

Yeah, he would love to see. He has a. He has a solid oak bar in his basement that he traded a log, a couple logs for a craftsman to make him a solid. Is it walnut? I think it might be walnut. Or it might be oak. I can't remember. But it's a really nice bar down in his basement. Still drinks his brandy and. Yeah, no, he's still there, kicking, doing well, unfortunately. We lost grandma a couple years, maybe two, three years ago, so now it's his grandpa there.

[Mishke]

But I'll tell you something, and I'm quite serious here. I want to drive down there to the woods and have a brandy with him in his bar.

[Nathan]

Yeah, you can just message me or email me, and I can definitely arrange that.

[Mishke]

That is a trip I'll be happy to make.

[Nathan]

Thanks for all the entertainment and laughs and appreciate all the work you do.

[Mishke]

Thank you for saying that and stay in touch, and thanks for your time today. Hope to talk to you again sometime.

[Nathan]

Okay.

[Mishke]

All right, Nathan. Merry Christmas. Bye. Bye.