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- [00:01]
A
You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.
- [00:40]
B
Everybody talked about it since I first moved to Oregon. The big one. The earthquake that trashed the whole West Coast. Total destruction. Officially calling it the largest natural disaster in American history. I just didn't know what would help me next. So I took it all. Even the gun. It was time. Cello American Afterlife presented by Pair of Thieves, the number one fiction and drama podcast in America. Listen wherever you get your favorite podcasts available now. It's a world of artificial intelligence, of limited character, tweets of mini clips on TikTok. My name's Mishke, and the Mishke Podcast offers something wholly different. The lost art of simple human storytelling. Whether humorous tales, absurd narratives, or real drama, telling stories is my stock in trade. So escape to the very human Mishke Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Coming to you from the bleak, barren tarmac of University Avenue, riding the fence right there between the cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul, buried deep inside the old outpost. My name's Mishke. Raring to go. Well, what I thought we'd do right out of the chute this time around is spin the Big Wheel. It's been a while since we've done that right away at the start of the program, and a lot of people are only able to listen to the first couple minutes of the program before they have to get on with their day. They've missed any calls I've ever made later in the program, and I feel badly about that. So I've decided this time around to spin the big wheel and see what listener name I come up with and make a call at the beginning of the program. What do you think about them apples? Let's spin it, see what happens. Oh, look at that. Look at her go. Bill, There's a solid name. Bill. There's a good old name for you. Wonder how many Bills there have been in the History of these United States. Wonder how many of them had the exact same personality. I bet 35%. I'm going with 35%. Let's give Bill a ring.
- [03:46]
C
SA. Bill Brandon.
- [04:20]
B
Bill Brandon. I like that. Straightforward, simple Bill Brandon. Nothing about I'm not around right now. Nothing about call me back at your convenience. Just Bill Brandon. Not even Bill Brandon, Executive? Nope. You're Bill Brandon. Plain and simple. I like that. I don't know what to do right now though. Because it's just a name. It's not a directive. There's no sense of where to go. I just know that somewhere out there, there exists Bill Brandon. It's better than just Bill. Had you just said Bill, I'd have had a very different notion of who you were. But Bill Brandon, that's solid. You got your first name there and your last. And together, that's who you are. You're Bill Brandon. And I better get that through my thick skull or get myself another podcast. Right, I get it. Bill Brandon. Who is Bill Brandon? Bill Brandon is a guy who irons his shirts but not his slacks. He's six feet even, dark hair growing gray at the temples in a way that women notice and men do not. He has hands like a longshoreman, eyes like a tax attorney, and that combination has gotten him into more trouble than he can account for. Which is saying something, because accounting for trouble is more or less his profession. Bill Brandon runs a one man investigative outfit out of a second floor walk up on Clermont street between a Vietnamese sandwich shop and and a dry cleaner that's been going out of business for 11 years. The office has three pieces of furniture. A desk, a chair, a filing cabinet with a broken third drawer. Bill keeps meaning to fix that. He never will. On the desk there's a lamp. On the lamp, a dent. He doesn't remember where the dent came from. He's pretty sure he was there when it happened, though. And that it involved his head. The name on the frosted glass says Brandon Investigations. He was a cop for 12 years. Vice, then homicide, then nothing. Which is how these stories usually go. He didn't lose the job over something dramatic. That's what people expect. The bottle, the captain's wife on a Saturday night in a motel room. Not Bill Brandon. No, he lost it over something worse. A principal. He refused to close a case that somebody upstairs wanted closed. The case stayed open, but they shut Brandon down. He thinks about it sometimes. Not with regret. With the cold satisfaction of a man who knows where his line is drawn and has proof he didn't cross it. That kind of proof costs something, and he paid for it. His name, Bill Brandon. He eats the same breakfast every morning. Two eggs, wheat toast, black coffee. He keeps a bottle of Jameson in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet. He drinks from it two times a week, sometimes three. And he's honest with himself about the difference between two times a week and three. He lives eight blocks from the office. He could take a cab, but he walks. Rain or cold, the rare obscene sunshine the city occasionally delivers. He walks and the walk is when he thinks. Most of his best work has happened between the office and the front door of his apartment building, in the dark, with his hands in his pockets and the city making noise all around him. He's been in love twice. Once with a schoolteacher named Dara, which ended the way good things end. Slowly then, all at once. Nobody's fault and everybody's fault and hers a little more than his. But he's never said that out loud and he never will. He carries a.38 special in a shoulder rig that he's worn so long it has shaped itself to him like a second skeleton. He's fired it in anger 4 times in 12 years of police work and twice since going private. He hits what he aims at. He aims at things he's decided need to be stopped. The decision always comes before the gun. That's the rule, and he's never broken it. He's Bill Brandon, dammit. He's not a violent man, but he's a man who understands violence, its weight, its cost, its specific and irreversible grammar. And that understanding makes him dangerous in a way that purely violent men are not dangerous. He takes cases nobody wants. Some cases nobody should want. Missing persons, infidelity, the occasional thing that arrives wrapped in cash and vague language, which he unwraps carefully, sets on the desk, looks at for a long time, and either takes or declines based on a set of criteria he has never written down but could recite in his sleep. He's Bill Brandon. He is not incorruptible. He knows this about himself, but he has never found that price. His mother is still alive in Daly City, in the house he grew up in. He calls her on Sundays. She asks when he's going to do something sensible with his life. He tells her he's working on it. They both know he's lying. They're both fine with the fact that he's lying. That is Bill brandon. There are 400,000 people in this city who will never know his name. Three or four of them in any given month are glad he exists. And that's enough. And that's always been enough for Bill Brandon. Everybody's got a theory about what happened in Dallas back in 63. Well, they ought to start thinking about what happened in South St. Paul in 1963. Fury Motors was born. A lot of people think the gunman in Dallas was just ticked off that he wasn't around for the opening of Fury. Fury Motors has been around since the Cold War was hot. A guy named Red sold a car in South St. Paul and said, I'm gonna do this forever. And he did the rest of his life, well into his 90s. Fury Motors has four locations. Forest Lake, Stillwater, South St. Paul and Waconia. New cars, used cars. Salespeople who will not take you out into the grassy knoll to show you the Lincoln. Some people find buying a car as complicated as reading the Warren Report. That's not the way it is at Fury. Kennedy wanted a better America. Fury wants to put you in a better car. One of these goals is still achievable. Fury Motors, the new Camelot. It'll be here after everything else falls apart. Learn more@furymotors.com
- [11:41]
A
Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law.
- [12:12]
B
It's what you never think about. And it's one of the most important things to think about. The single most important component for your home's safety. The electrical panel. The breaker box. The heart of your home's entire electrical system. If it's old, it can pose a risk to your family. I want to get you a new one for free. These things cost thousands of dollars, but I'm getting you a new one for free. And here's how. You're taking a photo of your breaker box. That's it. And you're uploading it@mishkypodcast.com for forward slash breaker. That's it. That goes to MSP, Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, Heating, air and electric. They have a drawing. A winner gets a brand new breaker box. Up to $7,000 worth of free work. Free electrical work. And you did what to get this? Open that door, take a photo, send it to MSP. Here's how. Again, go to MishkyPodcast.com now. You say you don't want to do it. I say do it for me. As a favor. You can't do me this little favor? I do a show for you. Come on. We'll be even. Five people who don't win a brand new breaker box worth thousands of dollars will get a free electrical evaluation of their entire home. It's exhaustive. I've had it done. It's incredibly thorough. You'll learn a ton about your home's electrical system. This generally costs just under 400 bucks. Five of you will get it for free. For doing what? For taking a silly photo of your breaker box and sending it to MSP via MishkyPodcast.com breaker. Shane. There's a solid name. Shane. Some call me Shane. He came out of the dark, out of the swamp, out of the weeds. He was unrecognizable. All anyone knew is they called him Shane. He had no arms and no legs. He was being dragged out of the swamp. Dragged by an old barge rope pulled by an old college buddy of his. That's how he got out at night. His old college pal Dennis would drag him around town with a barge rope to bars, to scenic overlooks. And deep into the swamp where Shane ate. Feasting on larva. What the hell are you saying? I don't know. I do not know. You ever just let your mind go, though? Just loosen the screws and let her go? Sometimes you loosen them enough and it's scary. I mean, if you really take your foot off the brake completely, maybe not only loosen the screws, but toss them. Just toss them all together and let that mind free. I mean free. Oh, boy. It's a vacation. It's a vacation for your entire consciousness. Do it sometime. Do it sometime. Loosen the screws, then keep loosening them. Loosen them more. Loosen them more. Whoa. The screws fell out completely. Now roll. See what that brain does? Might start doing this. For no apparent reason. It might start doing this. It might start doing that.
- [15:53]
C
Ah.
- [15:54]
B
Ah. It might. I don't know. Check it out. C. Boom. Might make up a story about Shane.
- [16:26]
C
Hello.
- [16:26]
B
Well, hello, Shane.
- [16:29]
C
Mishki.
- [16:30]
B
That's right.
- [16:32]
C
What's up, buddy?
- [16:40]
B
All right. Good lord.
- [16:42]
C
How you doing today?
- [16:43]
B
Well, you know, I don't know.
- [16:44]
C
Really?
- [16:45]
B
You don't know? You have someone tell you sometimes your doctor or something. You get a physical, maybe they'll tell you. I don't know. Psychiatrist could probably weigh in, but I don't know what the hell's going on.
- [16:53]
C
Yeah. Yeah.
- [16:54]
B
How about you?
- [16:55]
C
Well, you know, helping a buddy move. So it's always a good time, right?
- [16:59]
B
Little old for that, aren't you?
- [17:00]
C
Way too old for that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he said he had some Coronas.
- [17:05]
B
And they always say that. They always say that.
- [17:08]
C
I haven't seen him yet.
- [17:09]
B
Well, even if you do, so what? Coronas. You're not 16 years old, you know, Coronas would be something back then. Hey, you're getting some beer, great. But, I mean, how old are you?
- [17:17]
C
48. 48.
- [17:18]
B
And you're still helping your friends move? Holy smokes. Did you lose your nookie today? Wow.
- [17:30]
C
I don't know.
- [17:30]
B
Good Lord.
- [17:31]
C
Yeah.
- [17:32]
B
There are guys your age who die of a heart attack. Remember Roundhouse Rodney?
- [17:36]
C
I don't.
- [17:37]
B
When I was growing up, there was a thing called Lunch with Casey. It was on channel 11. You'd come home from school for lunch and you'd have lunch with Casey. Maybe you'd have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you'd watch Casey and Roundhouse Rodney. And poor Roundhouse Rodney, jogging in Minnesota one day at the age of 48, had a heart attack and died. You say you're 48?
- [18:01]
C
Yeah.
- [18:01]
B
And you're moving boxes and you're helping this guy out because you'll get a couple Coronas out of the deal.
- [18:05]
C
Doesn't seem like it's adding up anymore.
- [18:07]
B
I'd like to talk to the guy. Is he around?
- [18:10]
C
He's in the other vehicle.
- [18:11]
B
Are you supposed to be following him? This might be the time for you to cut off in a different direction.
- [18:15]
C
Well, I'm thinking more and more about it. I don't like him that much, so maybe it's time.
- [18:20]
B
Maybe moving is the right idea, but moving on. Moving on from this friendship and what clearly is something that still has you tethered to adolescence.
- [18:30]
C
You're making me think, Mishke.
- [18:32]
B
What kind of stuff does he have? When you're moving, do you look at any of his stuff?
- [18:36]
C
Yeah, I've been sizing up a few things, but not much. It's a little disappointing.
- [18:40]
B
What sorts of things does he have that the average person wouldn't have? You must have spotted some things unique to him.
- [18:47]
C
Yeah, I got one in particular. So I walked in today, and they're sitting on the chair was a giant stuffed penis. I don't see those often, but we're not that kind of friends, but, you know. But he did have that, so that's about all I've seen. That's unusual. Hello?
- [19:19]
B
There's going to be a little silence here for a bit. Did you just hang up? Why did you hang up? I just said there was going to be some silence. Now I have to call you back.
- [19:55]
C
Mishke.
- [19:55]
B
Shane. Our call ended a bit abruptly.
- [19:59]
C
It did. I apologize. It was quiet for too long.
- [20:04]
B
What did that quiet do to you?
- [20:07]
C
You know, at first I was nervous, then I was scared, then I was angry, and that's all I could take.
- [20:14]
B
I'm more familiar with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm curious about your friend with the giant penis. Is he a fellow that I perhaps could call?
- [20:28]
C
Oh, absolutely.
- [20:30]
B
That's great.
- [20:33]
C
Yeah, I think that worked out really well. So I think he should.
- [20:36]
B
I thought I might call and say to him that I'm his new neighbor and I'm concerned because I saw someone walking into his place with a giant penis. And my wife and kids and I are just concerned and we just want to learn what's that all about? The big penis.
- [20:52]
C
You could take the concerned route or you could take the enthusiastic route. There's two different ways to go about it.
- [20:58]
B
Golly, I'm not sure I could pull that off. I feel I could genuinely get inside the head of a concerned person and deliver that. I don't know if I have the method acting ability to get inside of the head of someone Getting real excited about this new neighbor. I thought one of the ways I could make it seem realistic is if I kind of knew what was on either side of where you moved them. So who would potentially be able to see him moving that in? Someone in an apartment or in a house?
- [21:34]
C
Single family home.
- [21:35]
B
A single family home. There could have been a guy there looking out the window, A guy with kids and a wife seeing the giant penis moved in. And it wouldn't be wildly out of the question that a phone call could have come in. Of course, there's a question of how I would have gotten the phone number.
- [21:53]
C
True.
- [21:54]
B
Was anybody else helping?
- [21:57]
C
Yes. Yep. One other guy.
- [22:00]
B
What was his first name? I could say I spoke with him.
- [22:04]
C
Lance.
- [22:05]
B
Lance. So Lance is who I spoke to and asked for the number. And of course, Lance thought I was welcoming you to the neighborhood, But I'm concerned about the large penis. Was this kind of a stuffed thing that you'd get at the state fair for a ring toss win?
- [22:19]
C
Exactly. Yep. Maybe not your average state fair, but yeah, it's under that. I think it had eyes and it was a friendly penis.
- [22:27]
B
When you saw it there, did you happen to ask your pal, what's this for?
- [22:32]
C
He just said it was a gift from a gal.
- [22:34]
B
From a gal? Boy, there's a lot of ways to read that. Yeah, I've been out of the dating game for a long time. Maybe that's just typical of a third date gift. Fourth date gift. So how could I pull this off? Could you text me his name and number and I'll call him right now and I'll try to see if I can pull off this prank call.
- [22:56]
C
Yes.
- [22:56]
B
What's his first name?
- [22:58]
C
His name's Matt.
- [23:00]
B
And if he says to me, well, which place are you? I'll just say I'm the across the
- [23:06]
C
street to the east. How about that? I hope this works.
- [23:11]
B
Yeah. Text me his number and I'm going to give it a shot.
- [23:14]
C
All right, I will, Tommy.
- [23:15]
B
Thank you so much, Shane.
- [23:16]
C
Yeah, you bet. Good chatting with you.
- [23:18]
B
You as well.
- [23:18]
C
See you later.
- [23:22]
B
All right, bear with me here, folks. Just waiting on this text. By the way, if you'd like to text me, you can at 651-321-8949. That's 651-321. 89. 49. If you'd like to email the show, it's mishkiubbardradio.com. shane, are you sending me the text right now? I pray that's exactly what's happening right There it is. Thank you, sir. There's Matt's number, and I will call him directly. Hello, Matt, this is Ken Dolman, your new neighbor.
- [24:33]
C
Hello.
- [24:34]
B
Hi. I'm just across the road there to the east.
- [24:39]
C
Well, hello.
- [24:40]
B
Got your number from your buddy Lance.
- [24:43]
C
Oh, that's right. He mentioned you guys. He talked to you guys a little bit.
- [24:47]
B
Yeah. Just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
- [24:50]
C
Oh, well, thank you. I appreciate that.
- [24:53]
B
Everything going all right?
- [24:55]
C
Yeah, yeah. I got the hardest part done and over with. We're just kind of. Just kind of organizing and just kind of getting home set up, so it's great. Kind of past the big hump of it.
- [25:07]
B
Speaking of hump, I couldn't help but notice that large stuffed penis being moved into your place.
- [25:17]
C
Yeah, the gag gift from a friend of mine.
- [25:20]
B
Well, I wanted to let you know that my wife and I, Debbie, we host a swingers group the first Saturday of every month. I don't know if you're into that sort of thing, but I figured I was on safe ground asking. Just looking at what you were moving in there.
- [25:36]
C
Okay. Well, I appreciate it. Keep that in mind.
- [25:39]
B
Debbie has something a lot like that. That's what reminded me of it. Hers is made of Italian marble. She said yours looked a lot easier to handle. And she was, of course, intrigued by that. Anyway, we get going the first Saturday of the month, about 9pm we go till about 4am and it's a bring your own massage oil kind of thing. We do fondue and tater tots and jello. Good stuff.
- [26:03]
C
Sounds good.
- [26:04]
B
Yeah. So keep it in mind if you're interested. Anyway, first Saturday, 9pm Just drop by. We go late.
- [26:11]
C
Okay. Yeah, I appreciate the invite. I'll keep it in mind.
- [26:14]
B
And bring the toy. If you don't mind, I'd like to show it to some of the other folks.
- [26:18]
C
All right. Fair.
- [26:19]
B
Welcome to the neighborhood.
- [26:20]
C
All right. Well, thanks, man. What was your name again?
- [26:22]
B
Ken Dahlman. Just across the street to the east there.
- [26:25]
C
All right, I got you the one with the book. The book thing out front, right?
- [26:29]
B
That's the one.
- [26:30]
C
All right, perfect. I gotcha. I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
- [26:33]
B
Great visiting with you, Matt. Hope to see you around the neighborhood. You'll be a fun addition, I can tell.
- [26:40]
C
I'm hoping so. I usually keep to myself, so don't be a stranger.
- [26:44]
B
My wife and I love to have a good time. And, you know, if you're so inclined, we just keep it on the down low. It's not like there's a neighborhood newspaper broadcasting what we're up to. But you'll occasionally see some activity through the windows there.
- [26:57]
C
Okay. Well, I appreciate it.
- [26:59]
B
Thank you.
- [26:59]
C
Yeah, Ken. Take care.
- [27:00]
B
Bye. Bye. Ken Dolman lives with his wife, Debbie, both 54 years of age. They live at the end of a suburban cul de sac. They like the curtains pulled at night, but not too tightly. They have a welcome rug on their front stoop that features a pirate winking. In their basement, they have colored strobe lights that can be seen in the neighborhood, creating an eerie glow near the foundation of their home. Neighbors often hear the jazz fusion of Keith Jarrett wafting through the basement windows late into the night. During the day, Ken mows his lawn in jean cutoffs that his neighbors fear are a little too short. Debbie hangs laundry wearing a long footprint jersey and nothing else. The old man across the street likes to sit in his lawn chair and watch the pair as they go about their day. His name is Ted. Ted has a fondness for Debbie, but has never ventured over to the house on those first Saturdays of the month. He's wanted to. But everyone pulling up in front of that house seems to be 20 years younger than he is. And that makes him wonder if he'd be truly welcome. So he settles for waving to Debbie and remembering his youth when women like that were accessible to him. And he drinks from a plastic cup filled with vodka and orange juice. Matt, the new arrival, has no idea about this neighborhood he's moving into. No idea what strangeness awaits, no idea the adventures he will encounter. No idea how his life is about to change. You know what my favorite part of my call was with Matt? He was trying his best to be a go along and get along guy, knowing that he was talking to a neighbor he would have to live with for quite some time to come. But there was that moment when, as Ken Dahlman, I mentioned to him what a fine addition to the neighborhood he'll be. And he must have felt a pang of terror in those words, worried that expectations were going to be pretty high for him. And he just threw in. He just threw in that one line about tending to be someone who keeps to himself, hoping to God to pour water on any notion that he would be available for quote, unquote, fun in the neighborhood. That was my favorite part, that panicked little line I tend to keep to myself. See you around the neighborhood. You'll be a fun addition. I can tell.
- [30:28]
C
I'm hoping so.
- [30:30]
B
I usually keep to myself, don't be a stranger.
- [30:33]
C
I usually keep to myself.
- [30:35]
B
Don't be a stranger.
- [30:36]
C
I usually keep to myself.
- [30:44]
B
Somewhere in America right now, a banker named Chad is looking at a spreadsheet with your name on it. Chad has never met you. Chad will never meet you. Chad doesn't know that you coached Little League for 11 years, that you started your own business, that you've never missed a payment on anything in your entire adult life. Chad doesn't really care, because Chad is an algorithm. And that's what happens when you deal with national banks, the big monsters, those giant banks that have taken over out there. North American Banking Company does it differently. Remember the old neighborhood bank? Yeah. It hasn't gone away. It's called North American Banking Company. When you walk in and ask for a loan, a business loan, a home loan, whatever you need, you deserve to be looked in the eye by an actual human being who lives in this community. Six twin city locations, that's it. Filled with real people who want to know you. Real decisions made right here, not four states away, not made on some distant spreadsheet. North American Banking Company because you're not an algorithm. You're a neighbor member FDIC Equal housing lender
- [31:59]
A
insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressives name your price tool for years. Now, with the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price Tool Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state
- [32:28]
B
law There's a barber shop, an ice cream parlor, a cinema, a library, a salon, live music, not a playlist, actual musicians, a town square where people gather, laugh, listen. Now what if I told you this isn't really a neighborhood, It's a memory care center in Medina and Bloomington. The well Shire Memory Care center was built from the ground up with one purpose in mind. Quality memory care. Nothing else. No divided attention, no split focus. Just an entire world thoughtfully constructed around four stages of memory care with a staff so dedicated, so attuned, so medically trained that they have found a home they don't want to leave. The turnover there is almost non existent because there's nowhere in this region like the Wellshire. If someone you love is living with memory loss, Alzheimer's, dementia, they deserve more than a facility. They deserve a life. The Wellshire Memory Care center of Medina and Bloomington. I wanted to pass along to you guys an example of the kind of people who contact my program wanting to be a guest on the show. This is typical right here. This is my third email from these folks. Hey there Mr. Mishke. I wanted to reach out and let you know about our new dog harness. It's really easy to put on and take off, just takes seconds and it's personalized for each dog. Plus we offer a lifetime warranty so you can be sure your pet is always safe and stylish. We've had a lot of success with it so far and I think your listeners would love learning about it. Please let us know if you'd like to spend some time with us on your program. We'd love to visit with you. Signed Marsha Hedren and then she has the name of her company, which I'm not going to give away because I'm not doing an ad for her dog harness. But these are the kinds of people who contact me wanting to be a guest. I wrote back to her and said, hey Marcia, Most grateful to you for reaching out. Your dog harness sounds fascinating and I'd love to spend a big chunk of my program talking about it. Not so much as an interesting topic for my listeners, but as a way of driving customers your way, free of charge. Yeah, while boring my people stiff, I'd be building your customer base. And that's why I got into this business, actually. I either wanted to promote dog harnesses or dish soap or office supplies. Why? Well, because I'm an adrenaline junkie and I live for the thrills life sends my way. Your dog harness is one of those thrills, Marcia. Uh huh. So let's make a magical show together, shall we? You and I. You with your inane product, me with my manufactured excitement. Looking forward to it. Now tell me, what is it that first got you interested in dog collars and dog harnesses? I'd sure love to know. Maybe we could get together and talk about it over coffee. Here's another fellow who likes to hammer on my email, hoping to get on the show. John Parings. He's a life insurance agent who has implemented the concept of infinite banking for his clients. He has educated thousands of people on the concept of infinite banking. He says, Mr. Mishke, give your listeners the financial awakening they're searching for with my infinite banking concept. Your audience will thank you for introducing them to financial strategies that maximize cash flow. Well, I wrote John back as well. I said, hey there John, I'd be delighted to have you on my program. Thanks for making time for me. Just curious if we could get to this right away today, because I'm into the maximize cash flow concept big time. How do we do that exactly? I'd like to get to it now. And I don't mean maybe I want the secret to getting a bunch of freakin cash in my pocket today. If there's a flow to be had, let it be a Class 6 Whitewater Rapids flow, huh? I mean torrential and unyielding, Johnny boy. I like violent rapids of cash, those generally considered unnavigable, with attempts often being catastrophic. Can you cash flow me like that, brother? Can it be a cash tsunami or what are you thinking, big boy? And I only have 10 minutes, so you better get rolling. And Johnny would come on and he'd say, Tommy boy, in 10 minutes I could have your listeners bathing in money, washing their body with money money up to their lower lips. Give me 15 minutes and they'll be sick of money and begging to have the cash valves shut off because they're coughing up c Notes. And I'd say, johnny boy, what is it that you're wearing there? What is that? A cash diaper? You wear a cash diaper because you don't have time to use the restroom. You're too busy raking in the dough. Fascinating. That's all you wear, huh? And Johnny would say, if I were to wear other clothes, Tommy, I'd have to wash them. And laundry time costs me money. I'm busy working the spigot and watching the dollars descend on my acreage like a hailstorm. Tommy. It's quite a trade off having to live one's entire life in a cash diaper and nothing else. But I'm willing to make that trade off. No one ever made money, Tommy boy, without some kind of trade off. Mine just seems a little more extreme than others. Let me turn around and show you this diaper. I invented the damn thing. Sometimes I go over to Marsha's house and she gives me the dog harness. Yeah, I have to wade through a lot of emails from people wanting to be a guest on the show, but offering something that really is not going to be that interesting to you listeners. The emails I do enjoy receiving are the emails from you, the listeners. Those are pleasurable to read. I like sitting back and enjoying an email from a listener. And they're buried in there, usually amidst the cash flow folks and the dog harness people. If you'd like to email the program, it's mishkeubardradio.com as many of you know, one of the things I enjoy doing with this program is bringing you the news. And the kind of news I like to bring you is the news that fills me with wonder, fills me with a whimsical sense of the strangeness of our world. Here's a headline for a story I wanted to bring to you. 21 sloths meant for Florida Sloth world die in warehouse. So we got 21 sloths right there. I'm hooked. Anytime I hear about 21 sloths, I'm all in. Then I hear that they were meant for Florida. There were a bunch of sloths headed to Florida. Not sure why. Nope. Not until I learn about Sloth World, the great sloth World attraction in Florida. Did you know about that? So these 21 sloths were headed to the Sloth World attraction in Florida, but they died in a warehouse. The operators of Sloth World in Orlando blamed the deaths on cold weather and a lack of heating. In a warehouse, dozens of sloths destined for a Florida slotharium, they called it there a slotharium earlier, it was Sloth World. Dozens of sloths destined for a Florida slotharium died in a warehouse while awaiting transfer to Sloth World. Sloth World placed an order for 21 sloths from Guyana. 15 two toed sloths and six three toed sloths. Those 21 sloths all died due to what Sloth World describes as a cold stunt. The building, the warehouse was not suitable for the animals. Multiple space heaters were purchased for the warehouse, but they had to be powered from a different building using extension cords. And this tripped a fuse, meaning there was no heat in the buildings the night the sloths died. Sloths worldwide are now passing along the important information that when they come to take you on a little trip to America, hide. Hide. Why do we have to hide? We heard it was better in America. We heard there'd be opportunity there. Don't believe it. It's a trap. All you do is die a slow, lonely, horrible death. And even if you do live, you're chained up in Sloth World. You ever heard of Sloth World? It's run by a guy named Glenn Poskervich. He wears sloth skinned boots and a sloth skin hat. Rules the whole operation like a prison warden. Smokes these long ago senorita cigars. Barks orders at his guards in Russian. So when you see those ships coming for you boys, you get underground or up in the trees or into the water. It's the Sloth World folks coming for you. And they do not have good intentions. Do not let their smile and passive manner fool you. Their charm. Their phony charm. No one sent to Sloth World is ever heard from again. What do you do for a living, dad? Son, I'm top dog at Sloth World in Orlando, Florida. I'm the man. I'm the sloth master. I scour the world for sloths and I drag them to Sloth World. Your mama knows all about it. She's been down to Sloth World after hours with the book club. I've opened it up for them. Oh, how they love to let their hair down at Sloth World. I mean, Wednesday nights after the book club, we have a lot of fun. You keep that to yourself, son. Okay? By day, these women are wonderful mothers. They do a fine job of volunteering at church. But after dark, when they get done with their book club meeting, they play the avant garde jazz and they dance amidst the exotic creatures. And I don't mind saying, they take a little peyote. Dad, couldn't you have been a banker or Maybe an insurance agent like Tony and Tim's dad. I thought about it, kiddo. I really did. But I got the call. Some people feel pulled to the clergy. I felt the pull to Sloth World. And it's been a wild ride, boy. Oh, that's how I met your mother, actually. She was chasing sloths through the jungles of Guyana when I first spotted her years ago. She was barefoot, wearing macaw feathers. All the natives called her tarantulina. She was originally from Independence, Missouri, raised by a Methodist minister and his wife. But one trip to Guyana changed her. We married that afternoon, sonny Boy. And we moved back to the States, headed to Florida to start Sloth World. Because people in Florida, well, they're generally up for just about anything. Anything that smacks of the edge, the far edge, you know what I'm saying? Both culturally, ethically, morally. They dig it and so do I, sonny boy. Because of this Sloth World story, I found myself getting interested in sloths. Started to read a lot about sloths. They are quite popular, more popular right now than almost any animal in America outside of your average pet dog or cat. People love sloths and I wanted to know why. And I learned that people are fascinated by sloths because they're very relaxed. They have this slow motion lifestyle that offers people this kind of peaceful, anti stress contrast to our own chaotic, fast paced society. People love to just watch video of sloths or go to a place like Sloth World and just meditate on these lives. These sloths, they just move so slowly. They can spend up to 20 hours a day just resting. They have these little smiling faces and these slow movements. People seem to think they symbolize patience, relaxation, a reminder to slow down. People say about sloths they deliver the ultimate Zen vibe. They serve as symbols of tranquility. Now you people maybe knew all this. I did not. I spent a good part of an afternoon this week just trying to get caught up with the sloth fascination out there.
- [46:12]
A
Sloths are incredibly slow moving mammals, often hanging motionless up to 15 to 20 hours every day. Adopting a slow paced lifestyle and expending as little energy as possible. Sloths eat very little food per day since digestion takes a very long time to complete, sometimes even days or weeks. They spend most of their lives hanging in the trees.
- [46:39]
B
About half of all sloths die from falling. Not predators, not disease, falling. They sometimes grab their own arm thinking it's a branch.
- [46:49]
A
Sloths only poop once a week.
- [46:52]
B
There's a little insight into what I do with my free time, folks. That was a little education, huh? Not quite the education we'd get learning about a dog harness, maybe, but interesting in its own way. Well, that's going to about do it for this show. Everybody got a fascinating book author I'll be interviewing for the next program. A truly revelatory book that taught me a lot I did not know. Interesting things I think you'll be fascinated by. It was between him and the fella who wanted to teach us about infinite banking. I decided to go with a book author. That's on the next installment of Mishki. Until then, try and take inspiration from the sloths out there. Try and adopt that slower pace. Don't hurry, don't worry. Enjoy your life. Watch the dappled sunlight moving through the branches of the trees. Celebrate the spring colors. Breathe the beautiful clean morning air. Smile at the blue sky. Buy a new pair of tennies and run down the sidewalk laughing. Till next time you be well.
- [48:40]
C
It was a friendly penis.