MISCHKE: Upside Down World (ep. 109)

Summary

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Garage Logic – EP109: MISCHKE: Upside Down World

Date: May 8, 2026
Host: Mishke (Gamut Podcast Network)
Main Theme: Navigating Absurdity, Nostalgia, and Human Resilience in a World Where Even Fruits and Veggies Might Be Out to Get You

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Episode Overview

This episode of Garage Logic opens with the spirit of bewildered disbelief, as Mishke delivers “revolutionary news” that challenges common sense: a new study claims healthy diets may, inadvertently, cause lung cancer. This upside down revelation is a springboard for an hour of classic Mishke: darkly comic monologues, irreverent phone calls with listeners, sly jabs at modernity, and deeply human stories about love, regret, and aging. The tone ranges from zany satire to poignant personal reflection—embodying the show's signature blend of humor, skepticism, and real Midwestern heart.

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Key Discussions & Segments

1. The News That Broke Common Sense

[01:38 – 05:31]

• Mishke unleashes “extraordinary news”: a study links healthy diets (fruits, veggies, whole grains) to higher rates of lung cancer.
  • (“Fruits, vegetables and whole Grains might be linked to cancer. Somewhat maddening.” [02:23] – Mishke)
  • The world’s reaction? “We give up. We surrender.” [03:16]
• Mishke, tongue in cheek, takes the news to its absurd conclusion: “New research indicates the best treatment for cancer world appears to be sugar donuts and cherry Coke.” [05:31]
• He launches into a comedic musical-style riff touting donuts, cherry coke, beer bongs with antifreeze, and “suck on a thousand volts of electricity” as cures for all ailments:
  • Quote: “It's over, people. It's over. There's nothing more to believe in. Give up. Surrender. Forget it. You're lost. We're all lost. It's finished. Nothing's ever gonna make sense anymore.” [06:45]
• The segment lampoons the information whiplash of modern health advice and media alarmism.

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2. The Walmart Call—Modern Ennui & the Pesticide Paradox

[11:25 – 15:21]

• Janice: Calling from Walmart, shares banter with Mishke about the dreariness of big box shopping.
  • “If Walmart ever becomes someone's favorite place, I think we should do to that person what was done to people many, many, many years ago. ... we'd lobotomize them.” [11:46] – Mishke
• Mishke references the lung cancer study, warning Janice against buying healthy foods, then speculates the culprit is likely pesticides.
  • “These fruits, vegetables and whole grains are riddled with poisons.” [13:55]
• Conversation shifts to Janice’s Southern California childhood (“It was a pretty idyllic time ... had a pool in the backyard and 20 minutes from the beach.” [15:04]) and her move to Minnesota, then to Arizona (“...it's just a big, big nursing home.” [18:20] – Mishke).
• Nostalgic reflection on the changing seasons, aging, and what draws people to retire in Arizona.

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3. With the Cop and Oscar the Dog: Why Some Never Retire, and Dogs from Slovakia

[22:03 – 33:12]

• Mishke calls a police officer who reveals he’s part of a K9 unit (his dog Oscar was named after a legendary rodeo bull).
• They reminisce about “ride alongs,” discuss Pat Scott (a local legendary officer resistant to retirement), and how different personalities approach the end of a career.
  • “When I'm done, I just think that this would be the last thing that I would want to do since doing it for so long.” [24:31] — Officer
• Mishke recounts a comic story about mistaken drug detection at a winter cabin: “These are the worst drug sniffing dogs I've ever encountered.” [29:41]
• Inside scoop on K9 training:
  • “We get pretty good dogs. They come all the way from Slovakia.” [31:35]
• Mishke jokes about gun-sniffing dogs versus slingshot-sniffing dogs.
• Memorable Moment: The officer’s sweet, matter-of-fact explanation of working dogs: “These animals ... they're not completely foolproof. ... Sometimes they just want the ball, you know.” [30:48]

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4. Calling Listeners: Regret, Redemption, and Late-Life Wisdom

[37:09 – 54:59]

Call #1 – “You Never Knew What You Had”

• Mishke prank-calls a listener (Steve), pretending to be an old high school classmate settling an $80 bet. After a comic back-and-forth, Steve recognizes Mishke—a regular listener.
• Steve shares two tales:
  • Giving Uber rides (including to Vikings’ QB Kirk Cousins, who “was a cheap ass ... you’ll never be in a Super Bowl because you’re a shitty cheap ass.” [40:11])
  • His past: once a “burglar” inspired by TV’s It Takes a Thief, jail time, followed by a career as a printer and 25 years of foster parenting.
• Quotes & Insights:
  • “Seven would be a win. You should consider that a lottery win.” [42:49] – Mishke on life expectancy at 74
  • “I was an asshole for a while. I did some nasty things. I regret that.” [43:41] – Steve
  • “I didn’t realize... I was married to an angel in a human suit.” [44:08] – Steve on his late wife
• Mishke closes on meaningful regret: how the magnitude of love is often only realized in loss. Steve’s wife died suddenly (“Aneurysm. I came home from hunting, found her on the floor...” [51:30]).
• Steve’s background as a foster parent, raising up to 50 children, is a testament to transformation and second acts.
• Final wisdom, Steve’s Uber signature sign-off: “Good luck in life.” [54:44, 54:55]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It's a wild time to be alive, ain't it? As a response to this report, here's what people have said in unison worldwide. We give up. We surrender. We're done. Forget it. We're lost. It's over. Nothing makes sense anymore. Just take us to the vet and have us put down.”
  — Mishke, [03:16]

• “Beer bongs with antifreeze. Put away the fish oil, the vitamin C. Suck on a thousand volts of electricity. ... That's according to my MD.”
  — Mishke, [06:10] (Parodying medical advice)

• “I would have to swallow two gallons of strychnine if I was forced to live in a world like that... Otherwise, I would feel like I'm in the Truman Show and it's just a big nursing home. Truman Show. It's called Arizona.”
  — Mishke, [18:06]

• “When I'm done, I just think that this would be the last thing that I would want to do... I'd rather drive a Zamboni when I finally hang it up, you know.”
  — Police Officer, [24:31]

• “You know, I tried to get in the Coast Guard and they wouldn't let me in. ... There was a waiting list and so that wasn't happening.”
  — Steve, [53:52]

• “Next time you go to a drive through or anything, sign off with ‘good luck in life.’”
  — Steve, [54:44]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• The “Healthy Diet Causes Cancer” News Parody: [01:38–05:31]
• Walmart and Pesticide Paradox w/Janice: [11:25–18:38]
• Janice on SoCal, Minnesota, and Arizona Retirement: [14:15–19:39]
• Cop Call: K9 Units, Retirement, and Mishke’s Drug Dog Story: [22:03–33:12]
• Steve’s Call: Regrets, Loss, Foster Parenting, Life Wisdom: [37:09–54:59]

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Summary & Takeaways

• Mishke delivers outrageous headlines and lampoons our search for certainty in an “upside down world”—where the healthy habits of yesterday might be the risks of today.
• Listeners share slices of real life—aging, migration, service, regret, and fortitude—with Mishke weaving satire and sincere connection.
• The episode walks a tightrope between absurdist comedy and human vulnerability, ending on poignant notes of gratitude and the universal wish: “Good luck in life.”

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Transcript

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[Mishke]

Well, I got big news. Revolutionary news. Extraordinary news. I'm a newsman. I went to the Edward R. Murrow School of Big time Broadcasting and you can bet I know the news. My name is Mishke. I'm going to talk about the news shortly. News will be coming to you courtesy of a newsman. Hang in there. It won't be long now. Lord have perpetual mercy on my ever living soul. Is this news big wow. I mean in the name of all that is holy, what you are about to hear. Yo Ding flipping What you call your whiz Bang high Pollutin. What the. What the. What the. What the Hooty hoo. Get ready people. All right, here's what we got. It's a pretty big headline. I think you're going to want to listen closely. Fruits, vegetables and whole Grains might be linked to cancer. Somewhat maddening. New research has linked a rise in lung cancer to a healthy diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Again, I'm just the messenger. The newsmen don't create the news. They deliver the news. And this is the news. As of today, research shows that people who eat a higher quantity of healthier foods than the general population are more likely to develop lung cancer. The counterintuitive findings raise important questions about, well, just what the hell is going on. Cigarette smoking rates have dropped dramatically since the 1980s, but cases of lung cancer have been rising, rising in people who eat a healthy diet. In fact, the healthier, the more likely they are to get lung cancer. Oh, God. Oh. Oh. It's a wild time to be alive, ain't it? As a response to this report, here's what people have said in unison worldwide. We give up. We surrender. We're done. Forget it. We're lost. It's over. Nothing makes sense anymore. Just take us to the vet and have us put down.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

They didn't smoke. They didn't drink. They ate fruits, vegetables and whole grains every single day. And then they got lung cancer. Researchers looked at one specific factor, diet. And what they found stopped them cold. These patients, the ones with lung cancer, had eaten significantly healthier diets than the average American. More fruits, more vegetables, more whole grains. The lead researcher, Dr. Jorge Nieva, said it will never look at a salad the same way again.

[Janice]

Could a healthy diet actually put you

[Mishke]

at a higher risk for cancer?

[Janice]

Well, a new study out tonight shows a diet high in fruit, vegetables and

[Mishke]

whole grains could increase chances for early onset lung cancer.

[Police Officer]

Researchers at the University of Southern California

[Mishke]

are looking into why eating healthy could

[Janice]

be a bad thing.

[Mishke]

In a related story, new research indicates the best treatment for cancer world appears to be sugar donuts and cherry Coke. That was in a report out today courtesy of the New England Journal of Medicine. People with a cancer diagnosis did best for treatment when buying cherry coke by the gallon and frosted sugar donuts by the box. That's right. The new healthy directive from the Mayo Clinic just out today. Coke by the gallon, Donuts by the box. Coke by the gallon, Donuts by the box. Coke by the gallon. Donuts by the box cures cancer and chicken pox, Bloody marys and daiquiris eradicate Lou Gehrig's disease. A chewing tobacco, a martini shuts down muscular dystrophy. You're having trouble believing me, but I heard it all from my MD he told me to lay off celery, lettuce tomatoes and broccoli. And just eat Halloween candy and a jug or two of warm Pepsi. It's the cure. And frankly, it's the answer to just about every form of cancer. And no, he told me he wasn't joking when he said, you gotta start smoking. He said me and all the rest of us should start eating buckets of asbestos. Not only that, he said they lied when they said we should avoid cyanide. Nay, nay, the new thing. They say cyanide keeps the doctor away. Put away the salad and the cottage cheese. Do beer bongs with antifreeze. Put away the fish oil, the vitamin C. Suck on a thousand volts of electricity. Bring them in the bathtub immediately while you're sucking a quart of Irish whiskey, blowing up your house with tnt. That's how you end up real healthy again. That's according to my md. It's over, people. It's over. There's nothing more to believe in. Give up. Surrender. Forget it. You're lost. We're all lost. It's finished. Nothing's ever gonna make sense anymore. Go to the vet. Tell him you'll be in the back room. When he's ready to put you down, turn the lights off and just wait. He'll show. It'll all be over soon. I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more to offer. I'm gonna give up right now. I'm surrendering right now. Gonna go to a break and I'm gonna come back and I'm just gonna call people. That's all I'm gonna do is make calls. Oh, God help us. Bradshaw and Brian would like you to know if you've been injured by a slip and fall, a defective product, a car accident, motorcycle accident, boating accident. If you've been injured due to the callousness, carelessness, recklessness of others, there's a way to balance the scales of justice. There's a way to make you whole once more. You just get a hold of Bradshawn Bryant, pass along what you think is a solid case and see if they agree. If they do, they take your case and you don't pay them a dime. Not unless they win. Not unless they get you a compensation package. You have nothing to lose. And you'll be dealing with the best personal injury attorneys in the state. Don't take the law into your own hands. Don't become a vigilante. Don't think revenge. Think Bradshaw and Bryant. Learn all about them at Minnesota Personal Injury Dot com. Hey, Garage Logic fans. I do a podcast on the Garage Logic network that comes out every Wednesday and Friday. Now Tuesday, twice a week. But here's an important caveat. There is zero logic available in my show. In the formal definition of logic, of course, life is a yin and yang kind of thing. There's the logic side, and then there's the what the hell side, which needs to get its exercise. So come for the what the hell and stay for the. You've got to be kidding me, Mishki. Now, Wednesdays and Fridays, twice a week, American Pressure is in Ravensdale. A lot of you people pass their operation and think, what the devil goes on in there? Well, you clearly don't have a business that utilizes pressure washers at American Pressure. They deal with industrial pressure washers. And you would be shocked at how many businesses need pressure washers. Industrial pressure washers are used all over the Twin Cities, all over America. American Pressure sends out parts to all different sorts of companies. They send repair vehicles to all different kinds of companies, repairing their pressure washers. They sell pressure washers in every make and model. You wouldn't believe the variety to businesses across the spectrum. Just because you know nothing about pressure washers doesn't mean we don't need them. Doesn't mean we're not grateful that in our community there happens to be something as special as. As American Pressure.

[Janice]

Hello?

[Mishke]

Well, hello, Janice.

[Janice]

Is this who I think it is?

[Mishke]

Well, that all depends on who you think this is.

[Janice]

Oh, my God. Oh, God. I'm in Walmart.

[Mishke]

Oh, my God. Hang on.

[Janice]

It's not my favorite place.

[Mishke]

If it ever is someone's favorite place. I mean, if Walmart ever becomes someone's favorite place, I think we should do to that person what was done to people many, many, many years ago. It was an uglier time. But we would lobotomize them. And the only argument against it would be that if they like Walmart so much, they're already lobotomized.

[Janice]

Yes, I would agree.

[Mishke]

So you're in Walmart. Let me guess what you're buying. A beige laundry basket.

[Janice]

Ooh, what made you come up with that? It's not correct, by the way, because

[Mishke]

that's all I ever think of when I think of Walmart. I just think of someone in a badly lit place. Lot of led, white clinic, dog pound, prison type light, and beige laundry baskets shining, glimmering in that light. And someone saying, 699, these were less expensive last year. And that's when I want to hurl myself into a wood chipper. So what are you buying?

[Janice]

I would rather pay $6 for a container of Greek yogurt than I would $8.99.

[Mishke]

You're buying Greek yogurt?

[Janice]

Yep.

[Mishke]

Here's what you don't want to buy. Don't buy fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

[Janice]

I do have veggies on my list. And why do you make that comment?

[Mishke]

New study has determined it causes lung cancer.

[Janice]

What does?

[Mishke]

Fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Yeah, you can laugh all the way to the hospice center. The study is out from USC that fruits, vegetables and whole grains are causing lung cancer. The better people are eating, the more they're adhering to the proper diet, the more lung cancer they're getting. This is a fact.

[Janice]

I haven't read that yet. I'll be on the lookout for that one. Mishke.

[Mishke]

And what do you suppose is going on there? What do you think is happening there?

[Janice]

I'm so consumed in the canned vegetable aisle that I can't think straight. Not only that, you know, of course, being in Walmart. Help me out here.

[Mishke]

Pesticides. What? They're finding, it's the pesticides. These fruits, vegetables and whole grains are riddled with poisons.

[Janice]

Well, what's a person to do? That's what you're supposed to eat.

[Mishke]

Well, clean the hell out of those damn things or find organic fruits and vegetables.

[Janice]

I do try to buy organic when possible.

[Mishke]

And where did you grow up?

[Janice]

I actually grew up in Southern California.

[Mishke]

Southern California. You know, that's not really a real place. I don't think when you grow up there that you really had a life. I think you had sort of a dreamy kind of fantasy scape existence that sort of was like growing up. But all of a sudden, one day you were an adult in some other area of the country going, my God, look at the real world all around me. I'm not prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for this. I was raised in Southern California. I was supposed to be in a movie the rest of my life. What is this?

[Janice]

It was a pretty idyllic time to be in SoCal. It was the 70s.

[Mishke]

I got 500 songs playing in my head right now.

[Janice]

Right? Had a pool in the backyard and 20 minutes from the beach. It was pretty cool.

[Mishke]

Did anything bad ever happen? Ever? Ever?

[Janice]

No.

[Mishke]

Ever?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

No.

[Mishke]

Ever?

[Police Officer]

No.

[Mishke]

Ever?

[Janice]

No.

[Mishke]

See what I mean? That wasn't real. What the hell?

[Janice]

It was pretty idyllic. Pretty idyllic.

[Mishke]

What music did you like when you were 14, 15? What would you crank on the old stage?

[Janice]

All the way from Black Sabbath to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, especially Neil Young. Beach Boys, of course.

[Mishke]

Were you into the Laurel Canyon sound?

[Janice]

Yeah.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, yeah.

[Mishke]

I would have liked to have driven up there and just seen if I got the whole vibe of it. Just seen if I got the Joni Mitchell, Graham Nash, James Taylor vibe. Just see if I. I felt the whole strum, strum, stromedy, strum vibe, man. So you never had a single thing go wrong in your childhood and everything was perfect. Were your mom and dad the perfect parents?

[Janice]

Unfortunately, no. But they made a pretty good show.

[Mishke]

See, they were classic Southern California parents. There it is. They weren't the only parents like that you knew, were they?

[Janice]

Correct.

[Mishke]

Yes. That's the crazy thing about the dynamic of growing up there. It's that yin and yang, idyllic in one sense. But then there's mom and dad. They were in a world where it's not necessarily the best place to be as a couple. But you left it all behind. You came to Minnesota. How many winters did you put up with here?

[Janice]

I've been here for 32 years. And it didn't start to get hard until probably six, eight years ago.

[Mishke]

And what got hard was not that the winners got harder. It's. You got older.

[Janice]

Yes. As an older person, it became harder to do winter.

[Mishke]

Yeah.

[Janice]

Then it was my dream to get a place in Arizona, spend the winters in Arizona. And you know what? We made it happen.

[Mishke]

And what's the big attraction of Arizona outside of that, you don't have a hard winter. What's the big attraction of that world when you walk around and you live your life in Arizona and be serious with me, are you mostly just around old people?

[Janice]

Okay, so we live in a 55 plus community.

[Mishke]

Well, there's that. And there's only 2 billion of those there. But outside of that, just as a community, just in your world there, aren't you in old folks country in general? In Arizona?

[Janice]

Yes. Yes. Okay. You want to know what the first thing I said was when I went shopping? When we started renting four years ago in Arizona and we went to the grocery store to stock up, I said, oh, my God, there's like old people everywhere. Only old people and golf carts.

[Mishke]

See, I would have to swallow 2 gallons of strychnine if I was forced to live in a world like that. I will never be able to live in a world with a bunch of old people. I think I would have to have someone smother me with a pillow. Otherwise I would feel like I'm in the Truman show and it's just a big nursing home. Truman Show. It's called Arizona and it's designed to look real. But it's a big, big nursing home.

[Janice]

Well, that's not our experience.

[Mishke]

No, you guys love it. It's great. You're active, you're having fun. Everything's perfect. I understand. You're obviously in the majority. Most people do what you do. When I was growing up, the old people who stuck around, who really stuck around through the winter. The 70 year old lady muscle and snow down her sidewalk. I'd ask. Can I do that for you? Hell no. Get out of here. Those people are rare. They're wonderful. They're extraordinary. They're beautiful, but they're rare. The old guys who were out there working on stuff in their garage in 10 degrees. I'm loving it. I love it. I wish it were colder. Of course they're rare, but they're wonderful. They make life just feel wild. All right, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna try to sell you on winter just because I wrote a book about it. All right? I'm gonna let you go. I'm glad. Glad to know you're back with the living. I mean, with the good old north country and all my best to you. Have a lovely season. Enjoy the summer.

[Janice]

We're looking forward to it, Mischie.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

All right.

[Janice]

Thanks for calling.

[Mishke]

Yeah, thanks for talking.

[Janice]

Take care.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Bye.

[Mishke]

Bye.

[Janice]

All right.

[Mishke]

I'm going to Arizona in the winter. Cause I'm getting pretty old. I've lived in this north country all my life. But in the winter. Damn, it gets cold. Now I know some people who love cold weather. They get happy when it comes time to put on a sweater. Something's happened to me. Stop by and see. Mostly I just think I'm elderly. Elderly, elderly.

[Janice]

Hi. If you record your name and reason for calling, I'll see if this person is available.

[Mishke]

My name is Felix Criava and I'm a surface pollution control engineer for Cargill.

[Janice]

Thanks, Felix. Kryba, please stay on the line.

[Mishke]

Kweava, not Kryba. What song is this? I like it.

[Janice]

I'm sorry, this person is not available. If you would like to leave an additional message, please reply after the tone.

[Mishke]

I was going through the listener list and came upon your name and number. I was just trying to get a hold of you,

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Mischie.

[Mishke]

Hello there, Gordo.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

How's it going?

[Mishke]

Top notch. And you?

[Police Officer]

Not so bad. I'm just at work.

[Mishke]

What kind of work? And am I really interrupting? Or is it one of those jobs that's sort of a bit fakey in terms of you actually doing anything important.

[Police Officer]

Some people might say the latter. I drive a squad car around and I have a dog in the back.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Back seat.

[Mishke]

K9 unit.

[Police Officer]

That's right.

[Mishke]

It's been a long time since I've done a ride along. Yeah. You know who I did the last ride along with?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Who's that?

[Mishke]

Pat Scott.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Really?

[Mishke]

Yep.

[Police Officer]

Good old Pat Scott. Now, everybody does ride alongs with him on Friday night.

[Mishke]

That's right. Everybody does ride alongs. What do they call that thing he's got going on?

[Police Officer]

Yeah, on patrol. Live or something like that.

[Mishke]

Live on patrol.

[Police Officer]

That's it. Yep, that's the one.

[Mishke]

So it was originally Pat Scott and the old Ramsey County Sheriff Fletcher driving around. You could ride with them on Facebook and enjoy an evening of police work.

[Police Officer]

Yeah, I tend to stay away from the cameras, but, yeah, I think it's. I think it has quite the following. Now, Pat is out on the street quite a bit. He's in our carjacking and auto theft unit, and Sheriff Fletcher is still the sheriff.

[Mishke]

Pat told me on that ride along, which was many years ago, that he was kind of being pushed out to retirement because he was getting older and they. They were, you know, trying to move these guys on. I think he was one of the older guys still on the street at the time.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

That's right. Yeah.

[Police Officer]

I'm not really sure what happened there. He was with St. Paul, and then he came over to the county and he was. He's been doing young man stuff for a while now, and I can't really wrap my head around it, but I'm younger than him, and maybe when I get to his age, I'll miss it, but I don't know.

[Mishke]

Well, I'm starting to understand it now. So he was forced to retire from St. Paul, but he was able to climb on at Ramsey County.

[Police Officer]

I don't know the exact process, but that's essentially what happened.

[Mishke]

Yeah, I'm happy for him because he told me he was absolutely terrified of retirement. The idea of sitting at home and not being a cop was anathema to him. And he pretty much figured he'd be sitting every night listening to a police radio for his retirement.

[Police Officer]

And see, that's just. That's wild to me because when I'm done, I just think that this would be the last thing that I would want to do since doing it for so long. And, you know, I'd rather drive a Zamboni once I finally hang it up, you know.

[Mishke]

Well, and I recently talked to a former cop up in Northern Minnesota on one of these listener calls. And after 22 years. After 22 years, he wanted out so badly. The last thing he wanted to think about was police work. He just wanted to forget all about that career. I think Pat was a different kind of animal. I think Pat's. And I think he would admit to this, that he's just built a little. A little differently.

[Police Officer]

Yeah, I think so, too. He's a good guy. Like I said, he's still very active. He's got a young man's heart.

[Mishke]

Yeah. Oh, he's a very pleasant man to be around. I enjoyed his company. And wasn't his old man Ray Scott?

[Police Officer]

That sounds familiar. I'm not too well versed in St. Paul's PD lineage.

[Mishke]

Ray Scott had nothing to do with PD. Ray Eugene Scott. Boy looks a lot like Pat. American sportscaster best known for his broadcast for the Green Bay Packers. His brother Hal Scott, was also a sportscaster. That's the uncle and father of Pat Scott.

[Police Officer]

Wow.

[Mishke]

Yeah.

[Police Officer]

Oh, that's really cool. I never knew that.

[Mishke]

All the old timers around these parts know the Scott brothers. Hell, yeah.

[Police Officer]

That's really cool.

[Mishke]

Let's get to you. What's your dog's name?

[Police Officer]

Oscar.

[Mishke]

Oscar. Oscar.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yep.

[Mishke]

I don't know. I don't know. I want to run from him, but I'm having a hard time with that name. I'm thinking maybe I'll just pet him.

[Police Officer]

He's a good boy.

[Mishke]

Oscar the cop dog. That should be a Saturday morning cartoon. Oscar the cop dog.

[Police Officer]

Kind of an interesting story on why I named him. All right, he's a Belgian Malinois, so

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

they're a little bit.

[Police Officer]

A little bit more crazy. This dog had more energy than I knew what to do with. First night I ever fed him, he's tipping over the bowl. Food is flying everywhere. My wife is on the other side of the door just laughing and cracking up when I said, he's like a bull in a china shop. So I researched famous bulls that I could name this. This wild animal that was now in my house. And I found Oscar the bull, who was a little bit smaller than the rest of the professional bulls at the time, but he was only ridden about eight out of 300 tries. And Oscar the bull is in the rodeo hall of fame. And as soon as I found that, I knew I had his name and I named him Oscar.

[Mishke]

That's wonderful. How long you been in law enforcement?

[Police Officer]

Over 10 years now.

[Mishke]

Over 10 years. And how many units have a dog? How many canine units are there?

[Police Officer]

Well, we've recently increased in size. We're up to 14, seven are full time patrol. And then we have a number of different specialty units and we have, I want to say four dogs in the jail.

[Mishke]

Four dogs in jail. What the hell they do?

[Police Officer]

Well, they go around and they find drugs that, you know, the inmates get sent to them and they search for contraband. Like you can't bring any sort of firearm or anything like that in the jail. So they're, they're trained to detect on all that stuff.

[Mishke]

Hey, I got one for you here. Couple years ago, I'm at a winter cabin, northern Wisconsin. It's midnight. I've had this cabin for 30 years in the woods. Just a little one room cabin, primitive as hell. There's a pump for water out in the yard, there's an outhouse heated with an old milk Barn heater. In 30 years, no one, no one had ever knocked on my door, ever, ever. One night my wife and I are hanging out. Late night, a knock at the door of the cabin. The first one in three decades. It's a couple of cops. Uh oh, this is never good. This is never good. We had pulled into the property and there was so much snow we couldn't get down the driveway. So my next door neighbor, who had a little tree farm and the tree farm was shut down for the season, had a driveway that was plowed. So I just tucked myself about 10 yards into his driveway and just left my car there and walked to my cabin. Somebody called that car in for sitting there, so it was called in and I said, that's my wife's car. We parked there because we couldn't get down our driveway. I didn't bring my four wheel drive truck. I didn't know it would be this deep. They said, we got dogs sniffing around your car and there are drugs in your car. Our dogs are identifying them and we want your permission to get in that car. And I said, sure. I can't imagine what drugs would be in there. Not even bare aspirin as far as I know. We trudged through the snow for a couple acres to get out to where the car is. It's late at night and it's colder than hell. I swear to God. They spent 25 minutes trying to find drugs. They just kept trying, they were sure of it. And I'm sitting there going, come on, how much longer? But they didn't want to fail because how embarrassing is that? I mean, we're all freezing to death, but there's nothing in there. And after a long, long time, they had to give up. They had to. There was no choice. And I made the mistake of saying, where do you get those dogs trained? They didn't like hearing that at all. These were young kids. I call them kids. We're supposed to call them law enforcement officers, but I swear to God, they were younger than my children. I just found the whole thing comical. And I did want to know, where did you get these things trained? Because these are the worst drug sniffing dogs I've ever encountered. So what do you think happened there?

[Police Officer]

My best guess is that the dog probably just wanted to get paid somehow so he just, you know, falsely alerted on your car. You know, these animals are. They're not completely foolproof. We train them a lot, you know, we train them 20 hours every month. But some days they wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Everything that they've been trained to do in their little walnut sized brain. Sometimes they just forget about it for a minute because they just want, they want the ball, you know, they want the treat. That'd be my best guess. The dog just figured if I sit, that dude is going to give me the ball and that's how I get paid.

[Mishke]

That's extraordinary. Small town, Wisconsin, maybe the best dogs are down in the cities. You guys probably get the best dogs, right?

[Police Officer]

We get pretty good dogs. They come all the way from Slovakia.

[Mishke]

Slovakia?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yep.

[Mishke]

Are you serious?

[Police Officer]

My dog didn't speak a lick of English when I got him.

[Mishke]

And how's he doing with it now?

[Police Officer]

He's been really good, but like I said, he was a wild beast when I got him.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

He didn't know anything. He didn't know sit.

[Police Officer]

He didn't know down. He didn't know his own name, so I had to teach him all that good stuff.

[Mishke]

You sound like you're in your early 30s.

[Police Officer]

I'm in my late 30s.

[Mishke]

Late 30s. Okay. How much longer are you gonna do this?

[Police Officer]

Retirement is, I believe, 55 for officers. I think you get penalized if you go before that. But a little bit longer here, you know.

[Mishke]

Well, I'll let you go. I know you got a job to do. I appreciate hanging out with you. And good to know Oscar's with you. Maybe I'll see Oscar one day out there. Maybe someday you'll knock on my door in St. Paul and say, I don't know, Oscar's smelling something by your car again. I mean, I don't know what you guys are doing. It's maybe just a practical joke on the force, but we're gonna have to search you all over again. Mishke.

[Police Officer]

The good thing about him is that he doesn't know what drugs are. He's a gun detection guy.

[Mishke]

Okay.

[Police Officer]

We go out and search for casings and firearms and yeah, we're kind of moving away from finding drugs on bad guys.

[Mishke]

All you'd need if you wanted to get my weapon from me is a slingshot sniffing dog. I always keep a slingshot in the car. Always been a slingshot guy. I noticed they've gone out of favor with criminals, but I'm still a slingshot guy.

[Police Officer]

That's awesome.

[Mishke]

All right, I'll let you go. Wonderful hanging out with you. All my best to you. Stay in touch.

[Police Officer]

Thanks for calling, Misky.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Good to talk to you.

[Mishke]

You as well. Bye. Bye.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Bye. Now.

[Mishke]

I want you guys listening to do me a big favor, and I'm serious about this, when I say you're doing me a big favor, I think you're also doing yourself a favor. But I'm asking you, as the host of this show, a show you enjoy, I'm asking you to do me a favor. It's very simple. Grab your phone, take a picture of your breaker box in your house, the electrical panel. Just take a photo of it and post the [e-mail] breaker easy to remember mishki podcast.com breaker why are you doing that? It's electrical safety awareness month. Your breaker box, your electrical panel, that's the central nervous system of your home's entire electrical operation. That's where things can go wrong. That's where there are fire hazards. That's where there are issues. That's where people often fail to realize something needs to be addressed. So at Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, heating air and electric, they have decided to give away a free breaker box. You know what that's worth? These things cost thousands of dollars to install. A breaker box is a big deal. And it can make your house safe, really safe, your family safe. MSP has started an electrician's department. It's now Minneapolis St. Paul Plumbing, Heating, air and electric. And they want to celebrate this by giving away a breaker panel up to $7,000 of free electrical work. Five other people who don't win are going to get a whole house free electric evaluation that costs ordinarily just under $400. I've had it done recently. It's insanely, thoroughly and wonderfully enlightening. Five of you will get that for free from msp. That's all I got for you. Do me that favor. Snap a photo, put it in mishkypodcast.com breaker, you've done me a favor. And you may get a call from MSP having won something pretty amazing. A guy called me recently and said he had put his loved one in the Wellshire because he heard they were the best memory care center in this region of the country. His loved one was dealing with Alzheimer's. And at the well shire, if you have Alzheimer's or dementia, you are at a loving place, a caring place, a sophisticated place, a place built to give you the best life you can possibly have. So this person called me, said they had placed their loved one at the Wellshire. And I said to him afterward, did you let him know? And he said, no, no, I just dropped him off. So you didn't make any arrangements for this loved one at the Wellshire? No, I just pulled up, let him out of the car with a suitcase and figured they could take it from there. I said, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how it works. You gotta first talk to the people at the Wellshire. It's the best place in this region of the country.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

And.

[Mishke]

But you have to make some sort of contact with them. The well Shire of Bloomington and Medina.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

What do you want?

[Mishke]

I want Steve.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Who is this? You got the wrong number.

[Mishke]

I don't think I have the wrong number.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Who is this?

[Mishke]

Dave Ruddinger, your old high school buddy.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I know you.

[Mishke]

Yeah, we went to high school together. I was trying to track you down through Facebook.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, okay, you got me.

[Mishke]

You may have forgotten this, but I haven't. I owe you 80 bucks. And you told me to forget it years ago in high school, and I ended up making it on the stock market and I've been going around squaring a lot of debts,

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

so

[Mishke]

I just.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I said, okay, square it then. I don't care. It don't matter to me one way or the other.

[Mishke]

All right? I just want to get this $80 to you as soon as possible. It's one more thing I can check off the list.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

All right. What was your name?

[Mishke]

I. Forget it. Now, do you recall what the 80 bucks was about? I think it was a bet. You said that Jojo Kleko of the New York jets was the same guy who played Mark Wedlow in the TV series Gentle Ben. And I said, no way. That's Ron Howard's brother in Channel Ben. And you said, no, that's Jojo Kleko from the New York jets at tight end. Anyway.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Mishki.

[Mishke]

Yeah, it's Mishki.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

You had me going there, buddy. I Was just listening to one of your shows earlier. All right.

[Mishke]

You took the longest of anybody. Since I've been calling listeners to figure out who's calling, I've never had a guy take so long.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I get a lot of scam calls, so I play them however I hear him.

[Mishke]

Uh huh. In this particular case, you were ready to believe a high school buddy who owed you 80 bucks was calling to square up with you.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I was giving you an extra minute to explain yourself before I slammed the phone out. Well, this is my second time now. I've got 15 minutes of fame. Miski, call. This is great.

[Mishke]

When was the other time he had 15 minutes of fame?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

You remember a quarterback called Kirk Cousins?

[Mishke]

Sure, we all remember him round these parts.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Well, he had just gotten into town and I was doing Uber and I picked him up and I took him over to the new Viking place.

[Mishke]

Huh.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

And I didn't even know he was a football player or anything. I didn't even know him or nothing. My kid had just been working there, doing the floors and the place was just opening up. I said, oh yeah, where do you work? And he goes, oh, I'm a football player. He says he's the new quarterback. And I got all excited, we parted ways and I wished him many wins. Kirk Cousins signed a contract for, I don't know, 80, 90 million, I don't know. But he couldn't even throw me a couple of bucks.

[Mishke]

Kirk Cousins did not tip you?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

No, he was a cheap ass. And I put the curse on him right there. I said, you'll never be in a Super bowl because you're a shitty cheap ass. And so far that's come true.

[Mishke]

How long have you been on the listener list?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Quite a long time. In fact, I was going to call and put my name back on. I didn't know if it was working or not. But then I hear a lot of your callers are waiting a year or so. So I thought, well, yeah, if he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

[Mishke]

Well, there's two things there. One is, I haven't gone through the list yet. I haven't called everybody yet. There's just a lot of people who wanted to be on the list. And so that's great. Yeah, so that's number one.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Sometimes you get a little rhymey Dimey, a little singing weeny, but I work through it.

[Mishke]

Wait a minute, did you just say sometimes I get a little rhymey Dimey? Singing winging?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah. I mean, that's how you get, you know, it's part of your job or whatever you call it.

[Mishke]

Yeah, so when I get rhymey dimey and singing wingy, I lose you a little bit. Do you ever.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I used to listen to you Mishy. I used to listen to. This is the best thing. This goes way back when you were doing your other stuff and you used to interview those drunks because you had the late night show and you used to take calls and talk to all the drunks that were calling in. That was funnier than hell. I don't know if you got any of that recorded, but that was some really fun interviews, I'm telling you.

[Mishke]

Do you ever get a little drunky wonky?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Well, those days are over. I had to write that chapter off. But I will be getting a little drunk tomorrow night when I go to watch a band.

[Mishke]

Well, what do you mean those days are over? They don't sound like they're over.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Well, I used to be in three or four beers after work and then hit the hardship. And now that I'm old, I can't do that anymore. One drink, maybe two, and that's it. There's no room to get fallen over drunk.

[Mishke]

How old are you?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

74.

[Mishke]

74 years old. Well, you're. You're about five years from the average life expectancy of an American male.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

There you go.

[Mishke]

So you sound like you could get five more years out of this world.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, I'm going in for a new hip this summer.

[Mishke]

You don't sound like you can get more than five.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, it'll be pretty tricky if I get more than five. I'm hoping for 15, but I'm maybe seven. I'll get.

[Mishke]

Seven would be a win. You should consider that a lottery win.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Seven would be a win because I beat the shit out of my body and I'm paying for it now. But I had a good life. I don't regret anything I did.

[Mishke]

How would a regret work, really? So you would say, I wish I wouldn't have done a B or C. But when A, B or C came along, that felt like exactly what you should do. So you wouldn't have done D, E or F because a B and C was exactly what you thought you should do. So what do we do with regrets then?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I don't have any. Well, I guess. I mean, there's a few things that would have changed up in my life, but everybody has those.

[Mishke]

You're differentiating things. You would have changed up from regrets. What would you have changed up?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I was an asshole for a while. I did some nasty things. I Regret that.

[Mishke]

Oh, now we're back at regrets. I'm gonna guess, and this is just my intuition, I pride myself on being very intuitive. I'm gonna guess those things involved a woman.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

No, I had the best woman on the planet. I didn't realize it, Mishke, until about four or five years ago that I was married to an angel in a human suit.

[Mishke]

And you didn't realize it until she died, I take it.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Right.

[Mishke]

Isn't that sad to learn it? Only after. So there's this angel in a human suit breathing, and you can't see it. You can't feel it. You don't know it. You can't understand it. And then she disappears. She vanishes, as people do when they die. And suddenly you see it.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, that's it. A lot of other people knew it, too. We were hit and miss in our younger years, and I was a terrible person. And she stood by me even when I was an asshole.

[Mishke]

So I was right. A lot of this asshole behavior involved a woman.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Well, yeah, I guess.

[Mishke]

You were occasionally a jerk to her.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah. Yeah. Behaviors I shouldn't have been doing in life. I could have changed up. I graduated in 1970 with the Hippies and all the shit that was going down and had my bag packed ready to go to Canada when that lottery was coming. And so I was doing a lot of drinking, having fun in life, and I didn't care, really, what consequence was there. I did my time in jail. So what?

[Mishke]

What was the time in jail for?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Violation of probation.

[Mishke]

And the original problem that got you incarcerated and on probation?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I was a burglar. I thought I was a burglar. It takes a thief, guy on TV with a little flashlight, running around, taking people's shit. It was stupid.

[Mishke]

So instead of going to Canada, I

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

got blessed with a high lottery number. And I felt so. I felt kind of good because I won the lottery. But I felt really bad for the guys that had to go. That was a shit deal the government pulled on everybody, sending everybody over there to just get shot at. It was the stupidest thing our country. Well, one of the stupidest things I lived through.

[Mishke]

58,000Americans killed, and for what?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

They used to come on the TV every night and tell you how many died and how many. How many we killed for what?

[Mishke]

Once you decided that you didn't have to race to Canada, was that when the light bulb went off that a good alternative career would be burglary?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

No, no, no. That was just something stupid I seen on tv that takes a thief and me and this guy, my friend, I still see him. We thought it would be fun to do that. And it was, I don't know, stupid. And it got the adrenaline going.

[Mishke]

It's comical to me that the show It Takes a Thief, which I remember. Robert Wagner.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I remember, yeah, it started.

[Mishke]

Started in 68. It was over by the end of 70. Robert Wagner as Alexander Mundy. He was a sophisticated thief. I don't have a feeling you were. Robert Wagner was a sophisticated thief. He'd come on after Mission Impossible.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, that was another good show.

[Mishke]

So you would watch To Catch a Thief and you'd say, I'd like to try that.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

That's pretty much what it was, a couple of dumb idiots trying to be a thief.

[Mishke]

When you were charged with burglary, did you ever have to do time?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yes, and that was. That was my very opening because they put us right in jail with these two guys. They had just knocked off a drugstore and they were planning their next job before they got out. And they were looking at us and we were looking at them. And that's when I decided I didn't want to be a criminal anymore because those guys were planning their next job. They hadn't even got out of jail yet or seen the judge or nothing. And these guys were planning their next gig. You know, I'm not cut out to do that. And so then I got probation for the burglary. And then they pulled me over in my car and found some shit. And then I had to go do the time.

[Mishke]

Oh, so you actually didn't have to do time for the burglary. You were out on probation and you got a hold of some drugs, got caught with that violation of parole. End of the clink, right?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Which was another eye opening thing. We had these guys tied the sheets together and went out the window right in the front of the building at night. I couldn't believe they pulled it off.

[Mishke]

That must have been exciting. I always think prison escapes are the most exciting moments in life. I've not been involved in one. I've wanted to get involved in one. But to get involved in one, first you have to become a prisoner. And that's always a drawback for me. But I love the idea of a prison escape. I think when I first saw the Great Escape when I was a little kid, I decided before I die, there you go.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

You're copying movies just like me.

[Mishke]

Well, you're right, but I'm copying a good one. After you hung up your burglary career,

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I did a lot of stuff after that, I was a printer. That's how I raised my family. That's how I did it.

[Mishke]

You raised your family as a printer? That's an honorable job.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

That was my main job. And then my wife and I did a lot of foster care, which was really eye opening. That's when I really grew as a person. When I started doing that.

[Mishke]

Didn't see that one coming. You as a foster care parent?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, yeah. I did it for 25 years. It was great. Wonderful thing I did. I really enjoyed. Was never boring at the Phillips household, let me tell you.

[Mishke]

Did you and your wife had. Have any kids of your own?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Mishke]

How many foster kids do you figure you had?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

50, maybe more. I don't know. A lot. For a while there, we were the. We were the shelter for the girls. Whenever the cops picked up the girls, they just bring them to my house. We'd have five or seven all the time, cop car was in my driveway. Every time I came home from work, there'd be a cop car in my driveway bringing in a kid.

[Mishke]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that the angelic woman known as your wife then was really the heart and soul of this foster care operation.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She ran the house. We had a chore list. She ran the house. And I was the guy who ran around every weekend on my days off and fixed everything that got broke the week before. That was my job. I lived on a lake, so I kept everybody busy. I mean, we had a lot of fun.

[Mishke]

Now I'm going to go back to this notion that you didn't know what you had in your wife. Why do you think you didn't know what you had?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Well, I mean, I knew what I had. I lived with her for 45 years.

[Mishke]

But you said it was only after she died that you really realized how wonderful she was.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Because when you're just tiptoeing through life, you don't know what you're missing until it's gone.

[Mishke]

How did she die?

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Aneurysm. I came home from hunting, found her on the floor, took her to the hospital where she worked as a nurse, and then they took her to another hospital and never made it there. She died on the way to the other hospital. And then when they had the funeral, I don't know who was in charge of that hospital, because everybody came. Everybody. She was so missed.

[Mishke]

Sounds like an extraordinary woman.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

She was. She was.

[Mishke]

You're a lucky man to have had her for 45 years.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, Mishke, you wouldn't believe it. When we met, she was the wild woman. She was the wonder wild woman. And when we both calmed down, we had a really good life together.

[Mishke]

I would imagine she would have had to be a little wild at the beginning to have hooked up with you.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Oh, yeah. Let me tell you, we were two peas in a pod. He was in a very different kind of a home than I did. I had Ozzie and Harriet and Leave it to Beaver and she had total chaos at her house. Her mom was throwing her out.

[Mishke]

And you had Ozzie and Harriet.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

She come over to my house. She couldn't believe what she was seeing because my mom and dad were just that Ozzie and Harriet. We had the whole deal going. You know, my mom ran the house and my dad was an insurance agent and had five kids and did the vacations every year. And I lost my brother when I was real young. He went into service, came back, got all messed up and shot himself in my folks house. Right there. They were out in the other room. It was terrible, that service. I mean, there's a lot of. I read now there's a lot of suicides coming out of the service. I don't know why there's so many suicides coming out of the service, and I don't think it fits right with a lot of people. When I got that lottery high lottery number, I knew I wasn't going into service because, you know, I tried to get in the Coast Guard and they wouldn't let me in. That team. They had a waiting list and so that wasn't happening.

[Mishke]

Yeah, all my brother's friends wanted to go with the Coast Guard.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I got a welcome letter about three years later saying, hey, if I still want to go in, I could. But by that time, my life was way different.

[Mishke]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've enjoyed talking to you. I really have, Steve, and I appreciate you answering the phone. I'm not your old high school buddy after all.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, I know that. That was my next question was which school?

[Mishke]

I would have said Riverdale High, Robinsdale.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I don't even think it's there anymore. I think they closed her up.

[Mishke]

Okay, well, you take care of yourself and hope to chat with you again sometime.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Hey, that would be great, Missy. Hey, good luck in life. I say that to everybody. Next time you go to a drive through or anything, sign off with good luck in life.

[Mishke]

Good luck in life.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

I used to drive Uber and I never knew what to say. So I started using that and people like it.

[Mishke]

I'll spread that one around, I promise. Thanks, Steve.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Okay, see you later. Good luck in life.

[Mishke]

Good luck in life.

[Listener/Caller (Steve)]

Sat.