Get to Know OCD – Episode Summary

Episode Title: How OCD Took Over J Aubrey’s Creative Process

Podcast: Get to Know OCD
Host: Dr. Patrick McGrath (NOCD Chief Clinical Officer)
Guest: J Aubrey (YouTuber and video essayist)
Date: October 9, 2025

Overview

In this episode, renowned YouTube creator J Aubrey sits down with Dr. Patrick McGrath and NOCD clinicians to discuss his journey with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The conversation explores how OCD infiltrated every aspect of his creative and personal life, the path to understanding and diagnosis, the unique challenges of finding effective treatment, and the transformative experience of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. The episode blends personal narrative, clinical insight, and hopeful encouragement for others facing OCD.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. J Aubrey's Creative Work and Early OCD Symptoms

• Introduction to J Aubrey ([03:12]):

  • J is known for in-depth video essays on controversial or interesting figures.
  • Describes his documentaries as “mini armchair documentaries… usually hour, hour-and-a-half long” ([03:38]).

• First Experience of OCD ([04:13]):

  • Symptoms began in sixth grade (around age 12).
  • Initial compulsions focused on hand washing to reduce anxiety:

    “I would get anxious about something, and to make myself feel less anxious, I… would just go and wash my hands a million times…” ([04:13])

  • Developed calluses and eczema from excessive hand washing.
  • Later, OCD expanded into intrusive thoughts and rituals (e.g., needing to do things to prevent “bad things” from happening).

• Long-Term Impact ([06:01]):

  • Struggled for years before understanding he had OCD.
  • Gained clarity at 18 after hearing about OCD’s clinical traits.
  • Realization brought relief but marked the start of a lengthy journey toward management.

2. The Internal Logic of OCD

• Emotion vs. Rationality ([07:24]):

  • Compulsions aren’t rational—doing something physical (hand washing, tapping) brings emotional comfort:

    “It’s less of a ration thing and it’s more of a feeling thing. …I don’t have control over this thing that I’m afraid of happening… but I can control washing my hands.” ([07:24])

• OCD’s Different Logic ([08:43]):

  • Discussed how OCD creates its own “logic” separate from what non-OCD people understand.
  • Example: How “washing your hands” is not a logical solution to most problems, but feels necessary with OCD.

• Temporary Relief, Not a Cure ([09:08]):

  • Compulsions bring momentary comfort—“maybe a brief second”—but don’t address the root of the obsessive fear.

3. Compulsions and Their Impact

• Nature and Function of Compulsions ([10:06]):

  • Compulsions like checking the oven, tapping doorknobs, etc., are attempts to relieve unrelated fears.
  • Aware there’s no real link, but feels compelled emotionally.

• Reinforcement Loop ([11:15]):

  • Compulsions momentarily lower anxiety but reinforce the belief that they prevent bad things:

    “When you do give in to those compulsions… it… reaffirms something in your mind where it’s like, oh, because this bad thing didn’t happen, it… was because I washed my hands.” ([11:15])

• The Underlying Fear of Blame ([12:51]):

  • Fear that if something bad happens and the compulsion is skipped, they’ll blame themselves:

    “I was so afraid of, like, well, if this bad thing does happen… and I didn’t do the ritual, I’m gonna blame myself.” ([12:51])

• Compulsions Never “Finish” OCD ([13:41]):

  • No one ever cures OCD by completing enough rituals:

    “We don’t know of anyone who’s ever done enough compulsions to the point where OCD has said, ‘Hey, we’re good now, everything’s fine.’” – Dr. McGrath ([13:41])

4. Diagnosis and Barriers to Treatment

• Delaying Treatment ([15:32]):

  • Researched ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) but put off seeking therapy.
  • Fear of being misunderstood, “crazy,” or improperly treated (since talk therapy isn’t always effective for OCD).

• Finding the Right Support ([17:03]):

  • Relief in reading others’ experiences online, especially via the NOCD app’s community feature.
  • Practiced self-ERP before entering formal therapy, but relapses common during high stress.

5. The Transformative Power of ERP Therapy

• What Prompted Treatment ([23:31]):

  • Entered therapy when OCD was more “manageable,” but wishes he’d gone sooner.
  • ERP involves facing fears and not performing compulsions, which is intentionally uncomfortable.

• Learning to Tolerate Discomfort ([26:05]):

  • First ERP sessions felt unnatural, “like a taboo… very uncomfortable,” with real physical panic symptoms.
  • Sticking with ERP allowed J to recognize the lack of real consequences for dropping compulsions.

• Shift in Perspective ([32:02]):

  • After treatment:

    “The way I described it to my therapist is like I feel a weight lifted off my brain. Feels like it works better.” ([32:02])

  • Life is easier, mind clearer, stress reduced.

• Acceptance & Uncertainty ([33:22]):

  • Therapist’s advice:

    “She didn’t tell me, like, it will not happen if you don’t do the compulsion. She just told me it could still happen. And you need to be okay with… the uncertainty that it may happen or it may not happen. But regardless… you will be okay.” ([33:22])

6. OCD’s Grip on the Creative Process

• How OCD Disrupted YouTube Work ([29:02]):

  • “Every little part of what I do was affected… from like the script writing process to when I’m recording and editing.”
  • Compulsions included rerecording lines multiple times, applying video filters “just right,” obsessive edits.
  • “It would just… There’d be times where I’d record the same line, like six times… infected every part of the video making process, frankly.” ([29:26])

• OCD threatens passions:

  “It made it hard to make videos, which is the thing I love doing more than anything… it stops you from doing the things you love.” ([30:56])

7. Destigmatization and Going Public

• Reasons for Speaking Out ([34:50]):

  • “It’s a little bit therapeutic for me to talk about it… I felt like it was kind of important to talk about publicly because so many people go through it silently…” ([34:50])

• Reactions from Others ([36:33]):

  • Overall positive.
  • J’s mother watched NOCD videos and recognized her own symptoms—shows how widespread, yet hidden, OCD can be in families.

• On OCD Stereotypes ([37:11]):

  • “I had heard of OCD as, like… the stereotypes… but I didn’t… understand that that was what I was experiencing… until I started doing more research.” ([37:11])

8. On Stigma, Acceptance, and Encouragement

• Harm in Minimizing OCD ([37:52]):

  • When people say, “I have a little OCD,” it downplays the severity and necessity of treatment.

• Advice for Early Awareness ([38:50]):

  • J missed early signs; only with awareness and accurate portrayal did things “click.”

• Message to those Considering Treatment ([42:27]):

  • “There’s no harm in trying… I wish I could go back in time and tell myself…”
  • “You will thank yourself later on for getting started. As soon as possible…” ([43:13])

• Advice to Families ([43:48]):

  • Family’s noticed positive change in J; his mother also recognized OCD in herself after learning more.

• Emphasizing Maintenance ([45:58]):

  • Recognizes ERP as ongoing: “It’s something you've got to keep working on and keep being aware of because… if something happens where my anxiety spikes… my compulsions really want me to give in…” ([45:58])

• Final Message of Hope ([46:42]):

  • “Treatment is so… like, going through professional treatment is so much more important than I may have realized… I am proof that treatment and recovery is very much possible… It’s worth going through…” ([47:25])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It made it hard to make videos, which is the thing I love doing more than anything. It stops you from doing the things you love.”
  — J Aubrey, [00:00] & [30:56]

• “It’s just about feeling like I’m in control… Even though I know logically… there is no link … It’s just about feeling like I have some degree of control over something in my life.”
  — J Aubrey, [07:24]

• “We don’t know of anyone who’s ever done enough compulsions to the point where OCD has said, ‘Hey, we’re good now, everything’s fine.’”
  — Dr. McGrath, [13:41]

• “If something good happens or if the bad thing doesn’t happen, then yes, I do attribute that to the… compulsion. …It’s very weird.”
  — J Aubrey, [22:01]

• “The way I described it to my therapist is like I feel a weight lifted off my brain. Feels like it works better… my mind is clearer because I’m not being bogged down by all these distractions.”
  — J Aubrey, [32:02]

• “She just told me it could still happen. And you need to be okay with… the uncertainty that it may happen or it may not happen… you will be okay and you will be able to… deal with that situation when it comes.”
  — J Aubrey, quoting his therapist [33:22]

• “Compulsions never made anyone’s life easier.”
  — Dr. McGrath, [34:34]

• “I am proof that… treatment and recovery is very much possible… It’s worth going through the time and effort that it takes. You are going to be better off for it.”
  — J Aubrey, [47:25]

Timestamps for Important Segments

00:00 – How OCD affected J’s creative process
04:13 – J’s early OCD symptoms
07:24 – The feeling vs. rationality behind compulsions
13:41 – Compulsions never satisfy OCD
17:03 – Community support and self-ERP
23:31 – Starting therapy; reflection on treatment timeline
26:05 – First experience with ERP and its discomfort
29:02 – How OCD took over the script, record, and edit process
32:02 – Life after therapy
33:22 – Accepting uncertainty, therapist’s perspective
34:50 – Going public and the value of sharing
36:33 – The impact of J’s public discussion (family reactions)
37:52 – Danger of “a little OCD” stereotype
42:27 – Advice for those considering treatment
45:58 – Maintenance and relapse prevention
46:42 – Final message of hope

Takeaways

• OCD can stealthily infiltrate every area of one’s life, especially creative passions.
• Compulsions irrationally appear to control outcomes, but bring only fleeting relief.
• Real change happened when J sought proper ERP therapy and learned to tolerate discomfort and accept uncertainty.
• OCD thrives on secrecy and stigma; talking about it and connecting with others brings relief and hope.
• Treatment is not just possible—it’s transformative. Early intervention is encouraged.
• Families can play a key role in awareness, and there is a significant genetic component.
• Recovery is an ongoing process, but one that brings clarity, control, and renewed joy in passions once threatened by OCD.

Find J Aubrey:

• YouTube: J Aubrey
• Twitter: @JAubreyYT

For more episodes, resources, or treatment, visit:

• nocd.com