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Hi, guys. My name is Alex. I am here to talk to you today about one of the most difficult days of my life that I had with OCD. So this is back in 2021. So around four years ago, I was in a relationship with the guy I'm in a relationship with now. And my OCD was really bad. It was focused on relationship ocd. And my biggest theme was that I cheated on my partner. So I would just have, like, all these intrusive thoughts, analyzing everything that I did that I, like, interacted with another guy. And I told myself that I cheated on my partner, that I flirted with someone else, all those kinds of thoughts. And it led to a lot of confessions to. To him, which obviously were really hurtful because, like, who wants to hear that coming from your partner? And so around, like, the year, almost the year mark into our relationship, it was. I remember it was summer day in July, and I was working an event, and I started having. It was like 7 in the morning, and I started having these intrusive thoughts about something that my boyfriend had told me, like a couple weeks or a week prior about. He was talking about another girl, like a friend of his. And I remember my OCD latched on and started to think that he liked this girl more than me, that he thought she was prettier than me, all those kinds of thoughts. And so that morning before he woke up, like I said, it was like seven in the morning. I was pacing at this event I was working at. I was freaking out, texting a friend, asked him for reassurance. And then I texted him this long message about how, like, I thought he liked her and basically, like, accusing him of having a crush on her with no evidence whatsoever. And he woke up to that message. And this was kind of a theme in our relationship. I would have. I would send these long messages to him, either confessing or asking for reassurance. And I can see how. Why that would not be something that somebody wants to wake up to first in the morning, like a paragraph message. But anyway, so I remember I was so anxious, he sent me a message back and was basically saying, like, that's not true. Like, why do you think that? Like, I could tell he was frustrated. I mean, I would be frustrated too, looking back. And so I remember I was freaking out at the event I was at. I basically said I was sick and that I had to leave early because I was making myself sick with all the anxiety and ocd. I texted my boyfriend, and I was like, can I come over? And he was Like, I don't feel good. And I was like, no, like, I'm coming over. So I could tell, like, an energy just changed. And so I don't know how we got to the topic, but he basically said that he couldn't. He didn't think that he could deal with this anymore. That the constant analyzing of the thought of the things that he said, the reassurance seeking, the confessing, the long messages over text message, it was just too much for him. It was exhausting. And he felt like he was walking on eggshells around me. And I remember I just, like, broke down because I felt so defeated. I. I was so tired of ocd, like, winning and taking over such a big part of my life. Like I said, I just broke down and I was in shambles. Like, I didn't know what to say. And in that moment, it reminded me of, like, every previous relationship that I was in, that OCD ruined by, you know, taking it away from me. And every partner that I've been with had left in the past because of ocd. And so when this happened, it was just like, here we go again. Like, I can't believe this is happening to me. And so we were both, like, very emotional. And I basically was just like, please, like, let me get better. Like, I promise, like, I'll make progress, like, I'll get better, and we can just, like, work this out. And so he was kind enough to be like, okay, like, we can. We could just see how it goes moving forward. And that was almost as bad as him breaking up with me, because now I was in this limbo that I didn't know when we hung out if this was the last time we were hanging out out. I didn't know if I could tell him I love him and, you know, be affectionate towards him, because now I just felt awkward and weird because I was like, what if this is the last time? Or what if he ends up breaking up with me? And so I was seeing a therapist at the time, but she wasn't an OCD therapist. And she basically said to me, you have severe ocd, you need to see somebody who is specialized in ocd, and you need to see someone more than once a week. And I agreed with her. And so me and my dad started researching places nearby that specialized in anxiety and OCD. We found this treatment center that was about like, 30 minutes away from me. And I ended up doing intensive, like, outpatient two times a week there. And I just remember sitting in the office with the lady with the therapist and her explaining to me what I would have to do. And I was just like, I don't think I can do this. You know, when she explained that I would have to face my fears and, you know, learn. Learn to lean into uncertainty and learn to not confess and not to give into these compulsions, like, this was really hard for me. Like, I didn't know if I could see a light without those things. You know, those were, like, my coping mechanisms. Obviously, they weren't healthy, because if you have ocd, you know that when you confess, when you give into compulsions, you're. You're fueling the OCD cycle. You're making it worse. And so I remember sitting in that chair with her on that couch and thinking to myself, if I don't get better, if this doesn't work, then that's it for me. Like, I was in such a dark place because I was about to have my relationship taken away from me. OCD had taken over my whole life. I wasn't being, you know, a good employee at my job that I was at. Like, it was severely affecting my life, and I needed to change. But at the same time, I didn't have hope. I really didn't. And so we made a hierarchy, which you will do when you start OCD therapy. Probably of all the things that made me anxious, from the most anxious or the least anxious to the most anxious. And my whole obsession at this time was that I cheated on my partner. So I would, you know, say, oh, do I flirt with somebody else? What do I thought somebody else was attractive? Those were all the thoughts. And so I had two therapists at the time, and I had a specific exposure therapist, and she would have me watch movies about cheating, listen to music about cheating, anything involving infidelity. She's like, I want you to expose yourself to. And then when those thoughts come up, I want you to put a timer on your phone and sit with it for as long as you can. And a lot of the times, I would make it like three or four minutes, and then I would ask for reassurance. And so she would remind me that even sinning with, you know, that for a couple minutes was better than going right to asking for reassurance. So I did a lot of that. I did a lot of script writing where I would write my worst case scenario, which was me cheating on my partner. I would write it, I would read it to her, I would record it, I would play it back to myself, and I would try my best to not give into those compulsions and ask them for reassurance and confessing. Like, I wanted to confess all my exposures to my partner, but I couldn't because that was just going to make OCD worse. So I really had to practice hard. And a lot of the times I didn't confess to him, but I would confess to like a family member or a friend. And so that obviously still wasn't good, but I was really trying my best to not do it right away. And something that I learned from this type of therapy is that OCD is all about urgency. And so if you really want to try to get better from ocd, sitting with uncertainty, sitting without discomfort is really critical because you will soon realize that after an hour or 20 minutes, that urge tends to fade, die down really quickly. And then you move on with your day. And then by the end of the day, you're not even thinking about it anymore. And that's how OCD works. It wants that sense of urgency. And when you give into it, it makes it come back again and again and again. And so I remember like still feeling really defeated because I felt like I wasn't getting better. I had really, really dark moments where I really felt like there was no hope for me and that I was going to be stuck like this. I was going to lose my relationship. And I remember like the early days of my blog, I would post on my stories, like, when does it get better? Like, I've been in exposure therapy for three or four months and I still don't feel like I'm getting better. I remember just wanting to give up so badly. And my partner was really kind throughout this time. But it did, like I said, feel awkward because I was like, at any moment he can say that this is too much and leave. And so it was really hard for me to, you know, get close, get closer to him because I felt like it would just all be taken away. And so I don't remember, like when it clicked, but around the six month mark, I started to see progress to myself. I started to realize I wasn't confessing that much and that I was really able to delay any kind of reassurance seeking. And I wasn't going to him for reassurance seeking. Maybe once or twice I would ask a friend, but I was starting to go really long stretches without having any compulsions. And I remember being like, oh my goodness, like, is this working? Like, is the therapy theraping? And so I was. That was like a big moment for me and a really, like a critical point in my journey. And from that moment I was like, maybe I can do this. And so around the nine month mark was really a big, a big day for me because I graduated where I didn't have to see my therapist twice a week anymore. Now I could just do it once a week. And then after that, it was once every other week. I was finally starting to get better. I, you know, the clouds finally lifted. It didn't feel like it was downpouring anymore. It didn't feel like, you know, things were getting worse, like things were getting better. And that was just like, huge for me because I remember I just told you nine months earlier, I was sitting on that couch in shambles because I thought it would never get better. And even my boyfriend noticed I was getting better, that I wasn't confessing, that he was able to say things around me and I wouldn't jump to conclusions and analyze them and ruminate about them. I was able to just be like, okay. Like, I don't know, but okay, and move on with it. And it just, it changed. Exposure therapy saved my relationship, like, truly, because it allowed me to become the person that, that would be the best version of myself in a relationship. And so like I said, everything just got better from that moment on because once you practice these skills, it becomes easier. That's kind of how exposure therapy works. You got to practice at it, to be good at it. And of course I had my slip ups. There were days that were really hard, days I wanted to give up, days that I gave into a compulsion. But I didn't let it define me anymore. I didn't let it hold me back. And I was truly able to just move on from it. Be like, okay, today is a new day. We're just gonna start over. Here I am three or four years later, and I'm getting married in four months. And that's like, really emotional for me because if I looked back on where I was four years ago, I would have never thought that I would make it this far. I truly thought that was the end of our relationship. And now we are doing great. Like I said, I still have my slip ups here and there, but they're full far and a few between. They really don't happen very often. And when they do, I know how to handle it. I know how to get back on track. I have my ERP toolkit, my toolbox that I can go into when things get rough. And I know how OCD works. I have the knowledge of how to starve OCD and how to feed ocd. Like, I know what makes OCD worse. And I know what makes OCD better. And so I'm just in a really, really great place in my life now. A great point in my relations. And I made it out of the really dark tunnel like I made it. And that's crazy for me to say because I never thought I would. If you're struggling with something similar, you know, relationship, ocd, religious ocd, contamination, ocd, I want you to know that there is hope. And I know you probably have heard that a lot, but I'm telling you, as someone who came from the other side of it, who went through it, who had the nights where she wanted to give up and couldn't see a future for herself, it does get better. Exposure therapy is the most effective treatment for ocd. And NOCD offers this effective, specialized treatment. These guys know what they're doing. They are experts in ocd. So all you have to do is go to their website and call that number on the website and they will set you up with a therapist that can meet your needs. I really, really urge you guys to go on the website because if I had no CD when I was going through my worst moments, I think that it would have been really helpful to have these experts who are so, you know, only treat OCD that I didn't know about. No CD at the time. This was like five years, four years ago. But yeah. So I hope that this video maybe brought you a little piece that if I can get better, anybody can get better. Even in your darkest moments, there is hope. OCD is not a life sentence. If you want to follow me for more content on ocd, you can follow me on Instagram, recoverocd, and make sure to follow NOCD on Instagram, too. I hope you guys enjoyed this video, and I hope you have a great day. It.