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Hello, if you don't know me, my name is Nicole Raffi. I have ocd. Imagine if I didn't have OCD and I'm on this channel. I'm like, hey, guys, jump scare non OCD person infiltrates the OCD space. I have been diagnosed with OCD since 2021, but to be honest, looking back at my life and talking about it with doctors, I think I've had it since as long as I can remember. It's just that I didn't know what OCD was and I didn't have a good idea of what it was because I don't think it's represented the best in media. If I'm being completely honest. And if you didn't know, I'm a pop culture media commentary esque youtuber, so I consume a lot of media, okay. And I just don't think it's well represented. I think that we're definitely going into a direction where it's getting represented way better. I think people are getting more open to talking about what OCD is like. I think a lot more people are finding out that they have OCD because they actually know what it is now and they're actually going to get a diagnosis and treatment. But for the longest time, OCD has just had this stigma around it and these beliefs of what it looked like and, and I think that has led to many people like me not knowing that they even had OCD, thus not getting treatment. I would say for myself, 2021 was the worst that my mental health has ever been and it's what led me to go see treatment. I didn't even know I was going to get an OCD diagnosis. I just went in for treatment in general of anxiety. And I knew at that time that if I didn't go seek any type of help that the relationships with all of my loved ones would continue to deteriorate because that is like the number one thing that it was doing to me. Hi, Clem. Fun fact. Actually really, really sad fact. My cat Clementine actually has diagnosed OCD as well from the vet. It's not contagious, but Clementine does have ocd. She has a problem with over grooming herself. And they were like, yes, she has cat ocd. Anyway, her and I were almost on the same meds. I wish that she could receive treatment from no cd. That would be awesome. We could be both no CD girlies. There's a few examples of people in my life asking me, like, do you have ocd? Have you ever gotten diagnosed for OCD One of them being a friend from middle school who was talking about obsessively checking the locks when he would get home. And I would be like, w I actually do that? And he's like, I have diagnosed ocd. Do you? And I was like, no. For a moment in time, I was very hyper aware of my checking that I was doing. And then I just, like, pushed it to the back of my mind. And it wasn't until I was in college again, where I was telling a coworker of mine that I have this issue that whenever someone is not responding to me, I instantly assumed that they're dead. And so one time, my boyfriend wasn't responding for a period of time, not in, like, a controlling, like, where's my boyfriend? Kind of way. I was fully convinced that my boyfriend was dead. And so I was looking up his college on Google, along with, like, bus crash, crash, accident, mass shooting, because I was convinced that my boyfriend's a goner and that's why he's not responding. I've never seen OCD talked about like that in the media, and I've never experienced anybody else in my personal life except these two people telling me that that sounds like ocd. Which, when I was confiding my friend who I told this to about the Googling, he was like, do you have ocd? Like, I go to a specialist, and that sounds a lot like me. But of course, I pushed it to the back of my head because I didn't have this obsession with cleanliness or germs or neatness kind of what is portrayed as OCD to look like. I just assumed, well, that can't be me. That's obviously not me. Because if I was watching somebody with ocd, it was someone like Khloe Kardashian who was saying that she has OCD because she likes to keep her pantry really organized or she likes to have her cookies really, really neatly stacked. Oh, fantasy. New guys here. Sheldon Cooper, where his OCD is simply just a comedic relief monk with obsessive cleanliness. And I didn't relate to any of that. That just was not what I was experiencing. I didn't see any characters experiencing a really immense fear phobia of cryptic pregnancy. So much so that I was convinced that I was constantly eight or nine months pregnant, ready to pop at any point, even though it was impossible for me to get pregnant. Not to mention this being a fear that I've had since I was a child, or fear that I would accidentally kill my parents and that it would be all my fault or fear that I am a horrible person and do not deserve good things to happen to me in life. And I can't stop replaying conversations or memories in my head and seeking reassurance from everyone around me that I was not pregnant, I wasn't going to accidentally kill my family, and that I was an okay person. I didn't see that represented, but maybe if I did, and maybe if more people talked about it, maybe I would have known that I had OCD a little bit sooner. And I think we need to remember that a lot of times these characters in TV shows or movies who have OCD are not actually written by people with OCD or people with experience of, of loved ones having ocd. They're writers. Sure, some of them may have some experience, but not every character is written like that. And also most of the time OCD is not comedic or funny at all. I definitely use comedy to cope with my ocd. It's kind of how I cope with a lot of things, to be honest. But when it's only shown as comedic relief in television, it's not really helping the greater community and just kind of makes us the punching bag, to be honest. But real people are real and experience real, real ocd. And there's so many who walk among us that we have no idea how ocd. They might not know that they have OCD themselves, but I think it is really, really cool that there are more and more celebrities and influencers opening up and talking about their experiences with ocd, because I think we are underestimating how much power there is to destigmatizing ocd, helping other people get a diagnosis, or seeking help of any sort, even if it is just one person that they are helping. So I collected four celebrities today who I think do an amazing job talking about their OCD have made me feel seen, who I heavily relate to. I have not seen these aspects of OCD been talked about in movies or TV shows. And so the fact that these real life people who are behind these awesome movies and TV shows are talking about it, it's very heartwarming and it makes me really, really happy for the community because it means that so many more people are going to get the help that they deserve and so many people are being awesome advocates for OCD awareness and treatment, even if they are just, just candidly talking about their own experience and they are not even intending to be an advocate for it. After I got diagnosed the first time that I saw OCD be described the most accurately to how I can Describe it was through Jennette McCurdy's book I'm glad My Mom Died, which is a book name that I would not have even been able to say out loud before OCD treatment if that is just like a testament to show how much treatment can help. I would not have dared to say I'm glad my mom died out loud if you didn't know. Jeanette McCurdy wrote a book about her experience with with abuse from her mother, who has since passed away. But retelling these stories from her childhood and through talking about the abuse from her mother, she also talks her mental health struggles, eating disorders and she also talks about developing OCD from a young age, which she refers to at the time as the holy ghost. Jeanette McCurdy, growing up Mormon, believed that these thoughts that were coming into her head was her speaking with the Holy Ghost rather than OCD putting these thoughts within her head. She's like so much so she's excited to talk to the Holy Ghost, saying I can talk to the Holy Ghost whenever I want to and he can talk to me, guiding me to do what is right, which is whatever he tells me to do. I am so lucky. Which is so extremely accurate. As somebody who also grew up religious, growing up in a religious household, that was very common in themes now looking back, I used to pray to the Pope a lot. A lot, a lot. A lot of my anxieties actually came from going to church, to be honest, because I would be in church and I would have constant intrusive thoughts and I thought I was unholy or I was a sinner because I was thinking these awful thoughts within church. And of course these were things that I could never ever ever say out loud because that would be so, so sacrilegious. And why was it suddenly getting so bad when I was in church? Also the whole concept of right versus wrong versus the correct path for me or like that God has already paved his future and path for me already. Still to this day really affects me with OCD because I really struggle with just right OCD where sometimes I struggle to get out of black and white. Thinking and trying to understand that there is not always a right answer and all these structures shoulds are just in my head Anyway. A quote from Jeanette's book, Jeanette I the spirit of the Holy Ghost command you to cross your name out on the sign in sheet, go to the restroom, touch your underwear band five times in a row, twirl on one foot, unlock and re lock the bathroom door five times. Come back and re sign in on the sign in sheet. I'm elated. He has spoken. The Holy Ghost, AKA my still small voice, has finally spoken to me. Which of course could be interpreted as, you know, a funny ass line. However, the amount of distress that thoughts like this can have, especially on a child and when you don't know it's ocd, I've never felt I related to something more. Her grandfather even suggested that she may have ocd, which her mother then dismissed the idea. And she felt that these assignments and these rituals that the Holy Ghost was assigning her, she felt she had to do them to ensure her family's happiness, their health, solve their problems. And I think through her writing this book, it being such a massive success, I think it's amazing because I think a lot more people probably have realized that they too may have OCD after reading this book because it's not something that people are typically very candid or open about with how vulnerable it really is. For that, I am so grateful and I highly recommend it. Definitely one of the portrayals of OCD that I closely relate to from a celebrity to this day. Next up, Jenna Ortega is definitely an it girl in my eyes. From her fashion sense, her sense of humor, she was hilarious. And Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. I do have to give that a rewatch. I feel like she's in every single movie and show right now, which is, like, so rightfully deserved. I admire her for all those things, but not only that, but her openness to talking about her ocd, considering how much of a very young fan base she has after the success of Wednesday, when Jenna Ortega was doing press for her film Death of a Unit Unicorn. Great movie, by the way. Conversations start off light, talking about her evening routine. And then it did get much more serious when she started talking about her ocd, like very candidly and very vulnerably, in which she says, I have pretty intense ocd, repetitive thoughts and counting everything multiple times and having to do the same action over and over again. She went on to describe how after a long day of work, the nights don't always bring rest. Sometimes my nights consist of being really exhausted and going up and down the stairs six times because that's what I think I need to do to make sure no one breaks into my home. I'm trying. I'm trying to meditate, and that's been a little bit of a learning curve. But I'm getting quite good at it now and I think I have to start my day that way. Otherwise, I don't know. It explains kind of my anxiety in recent years. So it's been nice to kind of deal with that in a peaceful manner. Having these rituals, magical thinking, repetitive behaviors can be a sign of ocd. And I'm so happy that she brought this up because she even says she knows it's not rational. She knows that does this doesn't seem to make sense, but this is what her brain is telling her you need to do in order for that safety until you need the reassurance again. I also am so happy that she brought this up because exhaustion. I talk about this so often whenever I talk about OCD within my own content. Exhaustion is no joke to play with. I used to push my body to such severe limits, even when I was like in college, writing essays all night or like filming a video and then filming all night and then sometimes editing all night, pulling almost all nighters. I do not do that anymore. I am very, very, very serious now about the way that I take my sleep especially and eating and energy. OCD does become exacerbated when you are exhausted, when you are tired, OCD can become much worse. And I think, especially right now, when we're in such a hustle culture and like go, go, go, go, go mentality. So many people are not realizing that they are deteriorating their own mental health by not allowing themselves the rest that they so badly need and deserve. And I'm not perfect about it. I'm not perfect at all. There are nights sometimes where I still am getting like five hours of sleep, staying up too late, waking up too early, what have you, drinking a little bit too much caffeine so I can get as much done in my day. And then I feel the consequences. I feel the consequences of being exhausted. So similar to Jenna Ortega, who has had such a demanding schedule, obviously. Talking about constantly traveling, filming, working, trying to stay productive, long shoot nights. One of my biggest anxieties is also somebody breaking into my home. The lengths that I have gone through to make sure that I am safe. Not the proudest of my moments. Hey, one of the things that I don't recommend, those ring doorbell cameras. I had to delete the doorbell camera app off of my phone because I was constantly checking that thing all the time. And now I don't even live at that house anymore. And I'm still tempted to check it sometimes. Even though I'm in such a better place with my ocd, somehow I feel like me checking it is going to keep everybody safe. Even though I'm all the way over in New York and not at my parents house. I think that's really noble of Jenna Ortega opening up about that. And also extremely impactful and very realistic of what OC OCD can look like. Even someone with like such a glamorous life like Jenna Ortega seems to have can still experience such debilitating ocd. Long time fan of John Green. Looking for Alaska and the Fault in Our Stars absolutely changed my life. And he has been very open and candid about his OCD having a book called Turtles all the Way Down. And John Green himself has said that it was very difficult to write his book Turtles all the Way down with the main character in his book becoming increasingly panicky over the possibility of being infected with bacterium. So C Diff. Do you want to die of this? Do you want to die? Because you will, you will, you will. Eventually. Scooping handfuls of hand sanitizer into her mouth, gagging and vomiting as her mother tries to stop her. John Green also mentions he has a very good life despite having ocd writing about OCD making. Many people relate to his books because they themselves have ocd. I also have a really good life. He's a husband, a father, a YouTuber, a philanthropist, famous novelist, famous author. And he said OCD and good life can coexist. I'm not here to tell people that you should have hope that life is sunshine and rainbows and never a struggle. There are times when OCD feels like this is the whole story of your life. And I understand falling for the lie. I've fallen for it many times myself, but it is a lie. With treatment, determination and help, he beat back the obstacles to a good life with ocd. Not just the ones inside of his head, but the misunderstandings and stereotypes many people can have about the disorder. I'm never going to be able to fully understand why, I'm afraid why this is happening. Instead, I just need to accept myself as I am. The thing about a spiral is that it goes on forever, right? Like if you zoom in on the spiral, it can keep tightening forever. And that for me is the nature of obsessive thought, that it's this inwardly turning spiral that never actually has an end point. I know that John Green has been an advocate for OCD for as long as I can remember. And I think him writing about something that is so near and dear and affects him personally is amazing. And I relate heavily to the idea of you can have a good life with ocd. I think when I first got diagnosed and when I was going through the absolute thick of it. I really thought that my life would never be better than the state that it was in. I thought that I was going to be permanently in this state of chaos. In my mind, it felt like I was underwater and trying to gasp for air. And it wasn't until I really started with medication and treatment with ERP and started seeing those results that I realized I too can have a good life with ocd. Like, I really was convinced that I was going to be miserable for the entirety of my life and that maybe life was not so much so worth living. It was like a constant nightmare while I was awake with ocd. Also with Stranger Things season coming back around. I've never left. I've always been in Stranger Things season. Okay, you may know Shannon Purser best as Barb from season one. Rest in Peace Barb User Better. Shannon Purser actually wrote about her experience with OCD for Teen Vogue. Talks about many of the things that I talked about, like how it's often perceived as cleanliness organization. Target even released a sweater that read ocd. Obsessive Christmas Disorder, Shan said. For example, one obsessive thought I frequently had when I was reading was that I somehow wasn't absorbing everything I read. I developed a compulsion to reread almost every sentence over and over again until I was completely convinced that I had absorbed the material. I love books and I am a normally pretty fast reader, but at that time it took me hours to read small amounts, making schoolwork increasingly difficult. My OCD turned something that I loved into something tedious and frustrating. She said that her reading related compulsions, while debilitating, was not what contributed to her suicidal ideation, but instead her OCD made her stop talking to to people. When I was a little kid, I used to get in trouble a lot for lying. Being raised religious, I believed that lying was sinful, so I felt guilty. As a teenager, my OCD seized that fear of dishonesty and manipulated me with it. I became obsessed with the idea that I was being insincere. I could no longer say simple things like I'm sorry because I thought what if I wasn't really sorry? That would make me a liar. And being a liar was wrong. I was compelled to try and find any way to rephrase my sentences so I could be at peace. But a lot of times I couldn't. So I decided to just not talk. And also that it warped her self image growing to make her believe that she was evil, disgusting and perverted. And because of all this it led her to feeling like that she deserved to die and felt very alone. I also really struggle with that theme of truth telling ocd. I used to lie very frequently when I was in elementary school and middle school, and one time I got called out for it. And ever since then, I have kind of been obsessed with telling the truth sometimes so much that I will confess things to people that I don't need to be releasing that information to anybody. But because I feel like I have to, and because I feel like I owe it to people, and because if I keep it inside my head, then it is simply dishonest, even if it is such simply personal information that I do not need to be divulging to anybody else. And I admire Shannon so much for talking about her openness with suicidal ideation with ocd, because it can happen. OCD can be so debilitating that it causes you to get to a point where you think that ending your life may be a better option than living with ocd. But the thing is that OCD is treatable and there is help out there, which is why I'm so extremely passionate about. About talking about ocd. Because I don't ever want to get to a place where I feel like that ever again myself. And I don't want anybody else to feel that way either, because I am now, like, on the other side of things. I'm going to have OCD forever. But I'm in a much, much better spot with things. After about a year and a half, two years in ERP therapy, I was deemed graduated. I still attend from time to time, and I feel like I need a little bit of help. I can reach out to my therapist. I'm in such a better spot with my mental health that I can't even believe the life that I have lived three, four years ago and the thoughts that I thought about myself. And if I had ended it back then at that point and not been able to experience all of the good parts of my life now, how much I would have missed out on. Because I simply thought that it would never get better. But it did get better. It got so much better. That's why I'm so passionate about talking about this. And I highly recommend giving Shannon Purser's article a full read because she even says, looking back, I wish I'd been able to reach out for help sooner. I was so consumed by fear and shame that I'd convinced myself no one in the world was going through these trials. Despite all my struggles, past and present, I am alive. And now I want to be And I think that is amazing. The more people that we have like Shannon Purser to talk about their experience with ocd, the ugly truth of what it actually looks like, getting away from the jokes and the stigmatization that we are seeing, especially in the media, calling people out when they're like, I'm so ocd. When they're organizing their cookie jar or whatever. Oh, boy. Well, they're done in a color system, Stone. It's red, orange, yellow, green, blue. And then it's, you know, it's supposed to be like a rainbow. It's a beautiful rainbow. I think that is going to lead to so many more people getting the treatment that they so badly need and deserve. Thanks so much for listening me talk about some celebrities that I love who have talked openly about their experiences with ocd. You can find me everywhere at Nicole Rafi, where I also do some content relating to ocd. Thanks so much for having me on oc. Ocd. Please do not forget that there is absolutely help out there for you. You do not need to suffer with OCD and silence. There are so many people out there who are experiencing what you are going through and there is so much help available for you. Thank you so much and I appreciate you guys sticking around with me.