Buried in Grief| Girls Gone Bible

Summary

Girls Gone Bible – "Buried in Grief" (Jan 16, 2026)

Hosts: Angela Halili & Arielle Reitsma
Theme: Navigating Grief, Suffering, and Spiritual Authenticity
Tone: Vulnerable, Raw, Hopeful, Faith-centered

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Episode Overview

Angela and Arielle set aside their planned discussion of Matthew 5 to have an unfiltered, honest conversation about their personal experiences with grief, suffering, and faith. Instead of teaching from the position of strength, they meet listeners where they are—offering solidarity, practical comfort, and hope for those buried in sorrow or struggling with their faith journey. The episode explores how grief can become a vehicle for growth, the importance of being fully seen (even in brokenness), and how faith persists through vulnerability and community.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening and Vulnerable Shift (00:27–05:52)

• The episode begins with light banter, quickly giving way to raw honesty as Ang admits she doesn't feel like "the light of the world" at this moment.
  • "I've felt so vulnerable today because I don't feel like the light of the world, and I don't feel like the salt of the earth right now." – Angela (04:54)
• Both hosts discuss the difficulty of teaching faith when living through hardship.
  • "We have to be completely honest that sometimes we come on the podcast and...we might not exactly be feeling what we're teaching sometimes." – Angela (05:19)

2. The Reality of Suffering for Faith Leaders (05:52–09:17)

• Angela shares her personal struggles with faith, acknowledging that being a leader doesn’t exempt her from spiritual hardship.
  • "I'm in a season right now where my faith isn't great..." – Angela (05:52)
• Arielle affirms Ang’s vulnerability as a sign of real strength.
  • "This is the strongest I've ever seen you. This is strength. This isn’t weakness." – Arielle (07:03-07:26)

3. The Depth and Physiology of Grief (09:17–14:42)

• Discussion about how grief impacts more than emotions or spirituality—addressing nervous system burnout and trauma.
  • "It's more than just anxiety, and it's more than just a little bit of hardship. My nervous system has been destroyed." – Angela (09:17)
• Debunks "spiritual bypassing" of pain; sometimes, faith feels inaccessible.
  • "When traumatic things happen...having faith isn’t the easiest thing in the world." – Angela (11:35)

4. The Shame of Feeling Distant from God (13:35–15:24)

• Both address the shame and confusion believers feel when they're not "close to Jesus" in hardship despite knowing biblical truths.
  • "Things can get really dark and then it feels weird as a believer to feel hopeless." – Angela (14:29)

5. Practical Steps: Grace, Patience, and Not Rushing Healing (17:19–21:05)

• Emphasize the necessity of practical self-love and community support in the process of healing.
  • "You have to be so patient with yourself. Take it from me, somebody who refuses to be in the broken place..." – Angela (18:12)
• Don’t force yourself out of grief; accept where you are in the process.
  • "You can't force yourself out of grief, and you can't force yourself out of [pain]." – Angela (19:00)

6. The Slowness and Isolation of Grief (20:39–23:31)

• Explore the sensation of being "stuck in time" as the world moves on, but you remain in pain.
  • "You are almost stuck in time in a way. And everybody keeps moving, but the rest of the world is moving. You feel stuck." – Arielle & Angela (20:51–20:59)
• Acknowledge that healing is not submission to permanent grief, but accepting one’s stage in the journey.

7. Suffering, Fruitfulness, and the Promise of Transformation (22:01–26:30)

• Referencing Philip Anthony Mitchell: "Suffering that's under the blood of Jesus is good, is fruitful, is really good." – Angela (22:04)
• Emphasize that if you allow suffering to become fruitful—submitting it to Jesus—healing and transformation follow.
  • "There's a version of you on the other side that is so much more like Jesus." – Angela (22:45)

8. The Counterintuitive Beauty of Grief (26:30–32:37)

• Arielle testifies to gratitude for her hardest seasons; wouldn’t trade growth for comfort.
  • "I would go through it all over again to just be the woman I am right now." – Arielle (25:31)
• Discusses the tension between longing and surrender; especially longing for things like motherhood.
  • "It doesn't change the fact that I want to be a mom. Sometimes panic hits me. Sometimes grief hits my heart." – Arielle (27:51)

9. Descriptions and Types of Grief (28:24–30:56)

• Ariana describes waves of grief, triggered by unexpected reminders, and contrasts between types (breakup, loss, existential).
  • "Grief is love with nowhere to go. So it is really beautiful if you think about it." – Angela (30:02)

10. Healing, Fulfillment, and Spiritual Freedom (31:25–33:34)

• Reaching a place of fulfillment without "needing" anyone else is framed as a profound healing.
  • "I never thought I would be able to get to a place where I can truly wake up and feel so fulfilled without needing another person." – Arielle (31:25)

11. Friendship as Medicine for Grief (33:34–40:20)

• Intimate insight into how Angela patiently supported Arielle in her darkest seasons, providing an example for how to “hold” others through grief.
  • "You never crushed me, or told me to just trust Jesus...You just held my grief." – Arielle (33:34–33:51)
• The deep bond formed in vulnerability:
  • "Nothing bonds you more than grief...not trauma bonding in an unhealthy way, but...when you get to be there for someone." – Angela (38:26)

12. Overcoming Isolation and Choosing Community (57:33–60:22)

• Both hosts stress the danger of isolation in grief and the enemy’s attempt to fracture faith in solitude.
  • "One of the things that the enemy does is when we're in isolation, he attacks the mind." – Arielle (57:36)
• Community is presented as a lifeline—friends, prayer, and practical help matter.
  • "You surround yourself with people, you have them pray truth over you when you can't speak the scriptures." – Arielle (58:27)
  • "People want to grieve with you. They want to carry your burdens." – Angela (58:30)

13. The Testimony of Suffering (54:37–56:59)

• Both share that all major spiritual growth is inseparable from suffering.
  • "Whenever somebody has had, like, insane spiritual transformation...They almost always say it was suffering." – Angela (54:41)
  • "I would go through it all over again...just to become the woman that I am today." – Arielle (55:58)

14. Practical Faith Through Crisis (51:22–54:37)

• Angela shares a practice of "rising above" the situational pain for a "heavenly perspective" and visualizing the promises of God.
  • “Whenever I find myself...in a swirl of lies and mess...I’ll like, actually pretend I’m rising above it...and I see Jesus, and I’m like: Okay, you are here and you are doing something, and I can trust that.” – Angela (51:22–52:24)

15. Closing Reflections & Community Call (60:22–end)

• The episode ends on a note of love and community, inviting listeners to share their stories, prayers, and grief journeys in the comments.
  • "Please just—we’re obsessed with reading comments. We love when you guys comment." – Arielle (61:06)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “I don't feel like the light of the world...and it's just so hard because I have to teach these principles when I'm walking through this myself.” – Angela (04:54)
• “This is the strongest I've ever seen you. This is strength. This isn’t weakness.” – Arielle (07:12)
• “My nervous system has been just destroyed.” – Angela (09:17)
• “Having faith isn’t the easiest thing in the world...we're just like you guys going through things.” – Angela (11:42)
• “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” – Angela (30:02)
• “You can't force yourself out of grief, and you can't force yourself out of [pain].” – Angela (19:00)
• “You need to surround yourself with people that love you. You need to be so patient with yourself.” – Arielle (17:19)
• “I would go through it all over again to just be the woman that I am right now.” – Arielle (25:31)
• “Nothing bonds you more than grief...when you get to be there for someone.” – Angela (38:26)
• “Whenever somebody has had insane spiritual transformation...they almost always say it was suffering.” – Angela (54:41)
• “Don’t let shame make you feel like a bad Christian when you’re in survival mode and trust Jesus isn’t ‘working.’ It’ll come back.” – Angela (51:22–53:00)
• “You…have them read the Bible to you when you can’t see straight and read. It’s crucial when we are sitting in pain and grief. Community.” – Arielle (58:27)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:54-05:33 – Angela opens up about struggling to feel “light of the world” in hardship.
• 07:03-07:26 – Ari encourages Angela's vulnerability.
• 09:17-10:40 – Discussion of grief’s physical impact.
• 11:24-12:53 – The hosts challenge spiritual platitudes (“just trust Jesus”) in deep pain.
• 13:59-15:24 – Shame and feeling “not close to Jesus” in the darkness.
• 18:12-19:50 – Embracing patience and grace in the healing process.
• 22:04-23:08 – The redemptive potential of suffering with Christ.
• 25:31-26:20 – Arielle’s gratitude for her pain and growth.
• 30:02 – “Grief is love with nowhere to go.”
• 33:34-33:51 – Angela's model of support during Arielle's grief.
• 38:26 – “Nothing bonds you more than grief.”
• 51:22-52:24 – Angela’s “heavenly perspective” practice.
• 54:41 – Suffering as the “vehicle” for great faith and transformation.
• 58:27-59:20 – Community support as a vital survival tool in grief.
• 61:00-end – Inviting listeners to share and pray for each other, closing blessings.

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Final Notes

This episode is a gently powerful guide through grief from two women who lead with humility and honesty. Rather than offering cliché answers, Angela and Arielle let themselves—and their listeners—be human, experience sorrow, and find God within it. The message: You are not alone. Grief is not a spiritual failure. Community and openness lead to healing. “There is a version of you on the other side that is so much more like Jesus.”

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For listeners in grief or walking with someone through it, this episode feels like a friend sitting on the floor beside you, refusing to let you be alone.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You guys, we walked in here today and we literally look like the Bopsy twins. We have the same outfit on.

[C]

It was not on purpose.

[D]

We're both wearing black leggings and black long sleeve shirts.

[C]

Both of our hair is down, which never happens. Your hair is never down.

[B]

I'm always a hat. You know, half up, half down is like my comfort hairdo.

[D]

It's her comfort.

[C]

It's her literal comfort. Like she feels a little bit uncomfortable with her hair down.

[B]

Does anybody else ever feel that way? Like you have a comfort? Do I know my other girlfriend likes her hair slicked?

[E]

Who?

[B]

Carolina.

[D]

Oh my gosh.

[B]

Flowers looked back here do so bad. But I always say that I would look like I'm like the army.

[E]

I could not.

[C]

Guys, you don't want to see me.

[E]

In a slick back bun.

[C]

You don't want to see all this.

[D]

Hair back like that. I wish so bad I could be like a clean girl aesthetic hair all the way back.

[B]

But it's so classy.

[D]

It's so classy. But me and you are like, we're kind of like rough riders with a little too much powder, right?

[B]

I mean, I just like a little. I like a little bang. Like a Farah faucet bag.

[C]

Know have to have a bang.

[D]

Guys, I. I can't live without my mom gets mad at me when I don't have bangs. Any other Eastern Europeans have a mom who is like very particular in how she likes your hair or style or makeup.

[C]

My mom is so. Your mom is too, right?

[D]

Like so particular.

[C]

Like, my mom will call me and.

[D]

Be like, watch this week's episode. You need to cut your bangs.

[C]

And I'm like, okay.

[B]

Christina.

[E]

Guys.

[C]

Hi, I'm Ang.

[B]

And I'm Ari.

[C]

And this is girls Gone Bible.

[D]

We are a faith based podcast where we talk all things spirituality, mental health, the Bible.

[C]

We love Jesus so much.

[D]

We are here to walk with God with you, read the Bible with you, teach you the scriptures, learn the scriptures for ourselves, walk through trials, hardships and.

[C]

Deep suffering at times and then get through things with you guys and show.

[D]

You what it's like to go through.

[C]

Things and then make it on the.

[D]

Other side with Jesus. What's up, R?

[B]

What's been so cool is that we've walked together. Like, they've seen us through so many seasons of heartbreak and grief and trying to figure this process out of being in Christianity. I think that's the best part about what we do with girls gone Bible is you've seen us at our lowest, and we've all gone through it together.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's just so special. I was really reflecting on that.

[D]

It's so special.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You guys have watched us grow so much, and. Yeah. I think this season of my life, specifically, has made me really grateful for the fact that, you know, Jesus has.

[C]

Put us in a position of leadership.

[D]

In a way of hosting and leading a podcast.

[C]

And this is a form of ministry. And I think when I came into.

[D]

This, I had this ideal and expectation for myself that I would be absolutely, like, perfect and, like, you know, never being able to go through things or, you know, experience even hardship in my own faith.

[C]

Because you're leading something.

[D]

And. And what I've discovered as I've been walking through somewhat of a difficult season recently, I'm going to let you guys into it eventually. Just not yet.

[E]

I don't even know where I was going with that sentence. Sorry. I'm not planning on doing this at all. Today we're going to talk about being the light and salt of the earth, and I think, what a nightmare. I think.

[B]

Stop.

[E]

Okay, sorry. I think I felt super vulnerable today because R and I had. We planned on walking through.

[D]

The Gospel of Matthew with you guys, and, like, we just wanted to do a series on, like, the Sermon on the Mountain and just, like, all of Jesus's teachings. And we had been planning that for a while, and this was the first one we were going to do in Matthew 5 of Jesus, teaching about how, as believers, we're meant to be the light and salt, light of the world and the salt of the earth.

[E]

And I've felt so vulnerable today because I'm like. I don't feel like the light of the world, you know, and I don't feel like the salt of the earth right now. And so it's just so hard because I'm like, I have to teach these.

[D]

Principles and these things that, of course, are who I am at my core and who I've been.

[E]

But also, like, we have to be completely honest that sometimes we come on the podcast and, like, we might not.

[D]

Exactly be feeling what we're teaching sometimes.

[E]

You know what I mean?

[D]

And, like, I think Ari and I.

[E]

Are also learning the balance of, like.

[D]

Congruency in a Position of leadership where, like. Like, yeah, I'm gonna tell you about, guys, about how to be the light of the world and the sal. Earth while also, like, actively walking through these things myself. And I'm in a season right now.

[E]

Where my faith isn't great, you know, and strength and I don't even know where I'm going with this. Honestly, I just couldn't even do this episode without being honest, because as I read the scripture about salt and how.

[D]

It'S meant to preserve and. And all these things I'm thinking about and how it says, like, if salt loses its flavor, like, what power does it have? What's the point?

[E]

And I'm like, oh, man, I really feel like I've. My salt has lost its flavor recently, which is, I love you, but, you know, and so anyways, I say all that to say that this is where I'm at right now. It's so hard coming on the podcast and pretending everything is okay when I'm just walking through a lot and everything I've ever. I don't want to do this. What is happening?

[B]

Honestly, I just. This is the strong like you, as your friend. I'm watching you. This is the strongest I've ever seen you.

[D]

I love you.

[B]

I'm so proud of you. Stop saying why. Why am I doing this? This is literally the Lord speaking through you, and this is what I wanted you to do, but on your time. This is going to help so many people. This is strength.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

This isn't weakness. And I'm so proud of you.

[E]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah, I think it's just like, everything.

[E]

That I've ever.

[D]

Taught, you know, I think suffering is, like, such a big part of GGB and how to suffer well and how to suffer with Jesus, and you join in his suffering. You share in his glory, and. And it's so easy to, like, teach and preach and communicate that stuff from, like, an authentic place, because we've both been through deep suffering, and we've both.

[E]

Had to do this before.

[D]

And then when you face things yourself that bring about deep suffering, you. You realize, like, okay, so this is the time where I have to put everything that I say to everybody else into practice. And so I'm learning how to, in the season, suffer well and suffer with Jesus. Yeah. So I'm here with you guys in the thick of whatever you're going through, and just know that if you're in a situation where your faith is. Maybe I don't want to say that.

[E]

Why?

[D]

Why?

[B]

It's real can be real. It's beautiful. That's a beautiful thing to say. That's what so many people are going through right now. I would have loved to hear that when I was going through.

[E]

Yeah. I think I'm in a situation right now where. It's more than just, like, anxiety, and it's more than just, you know, a little bit of hardship. I think my nervous system has been just destroyed. And so I.

[D]

I think.

[E]

Yeah, I think it's just interesting to think about faith from this perspective, that there's, like, a physicy. See, this is why I can't do this. This isn't helpful. I'm just falling apart, you know?

[D]

No, no, I'm not saying for you.

[E]

I'm saying for myself. I don't want to just. It doesn't help anyone to just fall.

[D]

Apart in front of people.

[B]

But this. We. We aren't.

[E]

This.

[B]

It is, though. This is where we're real girls who go through things.

[D]

Yeah. What I'm trying to say is, like, I think we've talked so much on the podcast about, like, if you're having anxiety, if you're having depression, just pray and just.

[E]

And that's all true.

[D]

Just read the Word.

[E]

Yes, absolutely.

[D]

And there's an element to, like.

[B]

To where you just. You can't pray, you can't. You lose faith.

[D]

There's just, like, an element to, like.

[E]

Trauma and tragedy, grief, that it's not, you know, just a matter of.

[D]

Have.

[E]

Faith, trust God, and that comes. And that's true. Anyways, I think what I'm trying to say is if you're in a situation where you feel like your faith is rocked, you just gotta move through it. And you keep doing all the spiritual practices, spending time with Jesus.

[D]

Yeah, I just. Anyways, truly, what I'm trying to say is I think I've felt a little. Not guilty, but just, like, sometimes we.

[E]

Talk about anxiety and stuff in a way that's just like.

[D]

You have to have faith through it. And, like, I just want you guys to know when traumatic things happen, when.

[E]

Your nervous system is in overdrive, when.

[D]

Crazy things happen, like, having faith isn't.

[E]

The easiest thing in the world. And we're just like, you guys going through things that you are. And this probably isn't helpful at all because I'm not saying anything. This is so.

[B]

This is so helpful. You don't. You don't need to teach. All the times people seeing you as a real person going through things makes people feel so seen. Yeah, you make me feel seen. Do you know how many People are battling with grief right now. They can't get out of bed. Grief is weighing them to the. To the bed. And to see you, someone that they love you, they look at you like family to see you going through it too. I. Last night when I was out, I had a girl come up to me and she said, you know, I come. I. I've lived in LA and the darkness. And when I saw you two come from such darkness to have such past. Seeing you guys talk about your darkness brought me into the light.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So for when you say, like, I don't feel like the salt. This is salt. This is seasoning people to make people feel seen. This is bending down to them. You're meeting people where they're at right now. This is why people. Right, guys, like, this is why. I mean, I had nothing to teach when we first started. I was. I was so buried in grief and heartbreak, I didn't think I would ever be okay again. And that's all I had was to share my. My grief and to say, hey, this is what I'm going through. And it made people feel seen. Well, I hope it did.

[D]

I think it's good we're talking about this.

[E]

Just about how, like.

[D]

Because just the reality of, like, when really, really hard things happen that send not only your mind and your heart.

[E]

But your body into, like, a difficult, dark place.

[D]

I'm sure so many people feel shame.

[E]

That they're, like, not close to Jesus. Not close to Jesus and not having the faith.

[D]

And. Yeah, I think it's been super humbling for me because I've never struggled with faith ever.

[E]

And it's just like.

[D]

It's just like a really rude awakening that. My goodness, we are, like, fragile as humans, you know, like, we're so fragile.

[E]

And things can get really dark and then it feels weird as a believer to be like.

[D]

Nothing. This is hard to be like, you.

[E]

Know, Jesus is the hope of the world.

[D]

Like, the hope of the world lives inside of you.

[E]

And then to feel hopeless is so. It's just weird.

[B]

I know.

[E]

You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And I'm sure you went through that so much when you were in your grief. And everyone's just like, trust Jesus, Trust Jesus, Trust Jesus.

[E]

And yes, of course. And deep down, I don't. Doesn't matter what I'm going through.

[D]

The second I, like, even remotely lift.

[E]

My eyes above whatever circumstance I'm in.

[D]

I see the truth, you see the heavenly perspective, you know, and everything heals and everything passes.

[C]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help.

[D]

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[C]

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[D]

Go of the pressure that I have.

[C]

To have everything figured out all the time. And the more awareness I have around it, genuinely the lighter I feel. And that's why therapy matters. It gives you an outside perspective that helps you understand your motivations, your patterns and your relationships in a way that you can't always see on your own. And what I love about Better Help is that they work with fully licensed therapists who follow a strict code of conduct. And they make the matching process simple so you can focus on your actual goals. You just fill out a short questionnaire. And with over 12 years of experience and one of the strongest match fulfillment rates in the industry, they typically get it right the first time. And if not, you can switch therapists anytime from their tailored recommendations. Better help has over 30,000 therapists and.

[D]

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[C]

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[D]

So with time and whatever I'm dealing with right now, I have full certainty and hope that everything is going to be okay. Of course it will, you know, and they have the ability. But when you're in it, hearing somebody say to you, trust Jesus, it's all, it's, it's such.

[E]

It's just interesting.

[D]

I don't have the answer for it because of course people should tell you to trust Jesus. But I can't imagine how difficult that was for you at times when you're just like, how can you tell me to trust Jesus right now when I don't trust anything right now, you know?

[B]

Yeah. And it's, it's like, sometimes it's obviously the right thing, right? Trust Jesus. But sometimes it can feel so dismissive because sometimes you just. Your nervous system, like, you're so buried in grief, your nervous system, the trauma that you go through when, you know, when you experience loss, it's so much more than just trust Jesus. And I remember when I First came into Christianity, I felt like, gosh, yeah, maybe I'm. I don't trust. Maybe I don't have faith. Maybe I'm not good enough for this thing because I still can't get out of bed. I still don't know how to trust. I still have so much bitterness. I can't get out of this. And so what I've learned is like, you need to surround yourself with people that love you. You need to be so patient with yourself.

[D]

Yeah, you have to be so patient with yourself. Take it from me, somebody who refuses to be in the broken place that I am, someone who, like, I hate it. I'm an overcomer.

[E]

I'm not.

[D]

I don't submit to this type of reality. Like, I have had to learn. I have truly had to learn how to. This is the first time I think.

[E]

In my life I've had to learn to give myself grace, you know, and be patient with myself and not force myself to get out of a place that I'm in.

[B]

Not.

[E]

It's, like, irresponsible to just cry on.

[B]

Absolutely not. Can you just repeat what. What. Remind me what you just said?

[D]

I was talking about giving yourself grace and being patient with yourself and not trying to force yourself to be further along in a healing process than you are. And you can't force yourself out of grief, and you can't force yourself out of.

[B]

And, And, and, and by that, which means, like, it could mean so many things for. For different people. For me, I'll just say, like, I would just, like, run to something to latch onto. And for the first time in my life, God was like, you cannot. You're done. You. There is nothing to latch on to. You can only latch on to me. And you have to heal the right way. And so, yeah, like, really facing it. Really facing the problem is, I think, is what you're saying, right?

[D]

Totally. And just like, definitely facing it, which is. I used to be a lot like you. Where I'd be like, you just push through, move forward, busy up, like, you know, do whatever you need to do to get out of whatever you're feeling. And I. So facing it, but also, like, you have to, like, just accept where you are in a process of grief. And even if, like. And I know that maybe you show, like, dealt with this too, but when you're going through something, and of course people can relate to you, but nobody knows what you're going through. Nobody knows what you are feeling. And even listening to pressures of, like, move on, get over it.

[B]

Yeah, please.

[D]

Yeah. And I feel like so many people deal with that too.

[E]

And it's just so interesting about grief.

[D]

Because grief is so weird because you.

[E]

Are like almost stuck in time in a way.

[B]

And everybody keeps moving, but the rest.

[E]

Of the world is moving.

[B]

You feel stuck.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And the days just go by and you're just sitting there like.

[D]

Yeah. And so I think it's. You just have to be patient with yourself, guys, wherever you are, give yourself grace. Just know that trying to force yourself to be in a different spot. And that's not to say that you submit to just being in grief and depression forever, obviously, you know what I mean? Like, you do the necessary things to heal and move forward and get better. And at the same time, you can't force yourself to be anywhere else than where you are. You only will hurt yourself more. You'll only keep suppress and, you know, have things come up later. Yeah. I think this is the first time in my life and I hate it so much. Even though I know it's a good thing. I literally hate it so much. It's the first time where the Lord is literally, is like you are facing everything head on, no distraction. And I know.

[E]

Like Philip Anthony Mitchell.

[D]

Says, suffering that's under the blood of Jesus. What does he say? I forget what he says, but anyways, he says suffering that's under the blood of Jesus is good, is fruitful, is really good. So I just. Those are things that I keep looking toward. And so if you're in a situation where you're suffering or you've had tragedy, seriously, the only thing, the number one.

[E]

Thing that gets me by is the.

[D]

Thought that, oh my gosh, what could.

[E]

This be producing inside of me? You know, if this is this painful, if this is this bad, there's something. There's a version of me that's. This is ridiculous.

[B]

And I can.

[E]

This is. It's like there's a version of you on the other side that is so much more like Jesus. And. And I keep being reminded that there is just like, it's so counterintuitive, it feels the opposite. But there's so much healing that takes place in suffering.

[D]

There's.

[E]

So, if you allow it, if you submit your suffering to Jesus, if you.

[D]

Are like, doing things the right way because you can suffer incorrectly, which I have, by the way. But like, if you are suffering the right way with Jesus, it means that there's also healing taking place at the same time. And so. And that's not to like, put a band aid on your suffering because it doesn't take away. And also this is like the human.

[E]

Experience and that's kind of beautiful, you know that.

[D]

All right, guys.

[C]

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[D]

Like we're meant to go through these things.

[E]

We're meant to.

[D]

Not necessarily actually, because God did not create us with the intention that we'd suffer. That's a result of the fall. However, this is what we go through in life and there's just got to be so much beauty in it to feel this deeply.

[E]

You know.

[B]

I, I'm just so, I'm just so proud of you. I'm just, I'm just, I'm happy to just walk through this with you because I, you know, you've seen me go through this. You've seen me go through such grief and I would go through it all over again. I told you that the other day. Like I would go through it all over again to just be the woman that I am right now. And I, I think about my life. Well, if it Just went this way then. But if it couldn't have been any other way, I had to go through the grief, the pain, the heartbreak, all of it, to become this woman that God has molded me into. And so that's an amaz.

[D]

Amazing woman.

[B]

I can just. I can just tell you that. Exactly what you said. There must be something so amazing on the other side. Do you have anything else you want to say?

[D]

I really like your hair.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

A lot.

[B]

I'm gonna go lighter, and I think.

[D]

I'm gonna go darker.

[B]

Wow. I like you darker.

[D]

I like me darker, too. It's just. I have some extensions in that are super, super light, and so I have to, like, have the rest of my hair match it. But I wish I had your exact color right now, girls, am I right?

[E]

We went through a good crying. This is what we do. This is literally. You guys have no idea. This is what we do.

[B]

It's funny. I kept hearing tired on the way here. I just feel like so many of us are tired. And I promise.

[E]

That'S.

[B]

That. It's gonna pass.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

That season's gonna pass. You're gonna. You're gonna. You're gonna wake up, things are gonna shift. And then sometimes griefs will hit you again. It hit me at home again over the holidays.

[D]

Oh, yeah? What did that feel like?

[B]

I think that I. Sometimes I preach, like, God's ways are so much better than our ways. Thy will be. Thy will be done. His will be done.

[E]

You know what I mean? Like, he has good, good plans for you. And I'm like, where are they?

[B]

You know, I really. I preach that message, and I know that message in my bones because of what I've lived through. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I have these desires, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm in my 30s and I get scared. It doesn't change the fact that I really want to be a mom. And I look around, and all my friends have kids, and I don't.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so sometimes panic hits me. Sometimes. Sometimes grief hits my heart. And.

[D]

Can I ask what it felt like? Like, what is it like when the grief comes over you? Because grief is such an interesting thing.

[B]

It's weird. It's. It's. There's different. There's different kinds of grief. I feel like breakup grief is almost sometimes harder because the person is still.

[D]

Alive than if somebody dies.

[B]

Yeah. I think grief for me, at first looked different from what it is now. Sometimes I couldn't even, like, get out of bed. For days I looked dead in my eyes Sometimes it hits. It's like I wrote this in our devotional. But sometimes it hits you so hard that you feel like you can't come up from it. Like you can barely breathe. And then it's like a wave. Like, it's like a tidal wave that comes over you.

[D]

Yeah. Literally.

[B]

And then the current goes away and you can breathe easy again. And, like. So that's what grief is. It comes and it goes. Sometimes you can't get out of bed, and sometimes you feel so good. And then you'll be at a red light and you'll see something or a song will come on. I think I talked about this in the last episode. And, like, it hits you and it can ruin your day sometimes. And grief, when you lose someone, it can be lifelong. And it's something you learn to live with.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

But there's such beauty in grief because there's. I'm able to connect and see people in a different way than before. I'm able to love more. I'm able to have more compassion for people.

[D]

Grief is the. Is love with nowhere to go. So it is really beautiful if you think about it.

[B]

It is. I wrote that in the devotional.

[D]

Really.

[B]

It's love with nowhere to go. But, yeah. So, yeah, it comes. It came during the holidays, I think. The holidays bring up so much.

[D]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[B]

They bring up so much. And so I would hear something. It's like, you know when something says. Someone says something, and it just, like, triggers you a little bit. And that panic just came on a little bit of like, oh, my gosh. Okay, I'm 20, 26. Okay. Another year, my birthday just came. And then when I put the pieces together, I had to heal this past two years. If I. If God didn't keep me in this place, I wouldn't have grown as much as I did. I could. You know, so it all makes sense. But it's still grief. Oh, no.

[F]

So.

[B]

So I was just. No. So I would. I. I had so many moments of that, like, panic. Like, right now. For me, grief feels like loneliness and a little bit of panic.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm so full of joy in the season of my life. Truly, I am. Like, I can say that.

[C]

You really are.

[D]

Me too.

[E]

I'll get down.

[B]

I just. I think for me, the one thing I never thought I'd be able to get. I never thought I would be able to get to a place where I can truly wake up and feel so fulfilled without needing another person.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And I Talk about that a lot, but it. I don't think there's anything more satisfying than that. Like, I. I feel filled.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I never thought I could get to a place where I wouldn't need someone. And I think when you get to that place, you. You're. It's a. It's. It's a healing that you can't break after that. Like, when you can truly wake up and. And feel free and just be okay with the Lord. It's like, yeah, it's real freedom.

[D]

Such a gift.

[B]

It's a gift. And the.

[D]

That's why they say singleness is a gift.

[B]

That's why singleness is a gift. So I've really had to go through that process, and that's taken years, many years. And some people may, like, some of you guys talking. I mean, talking. Some of you guys listening right now. You throw in the towel because, like, you're all right. It's been enough time. But I, I. If I would have, like, rushed this healing process, I would not be this woman. I am.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm really proud of myself. Like, I really am. I've never been. I've never felt good or proud. I've never felt worthy. No. Never. Never. I feel like I'm finally stepped into the woman that God has called me to be. And that took a lot of patience and a lot of working through grief. A lot of mournings on my face by myself, on my. My living room floor, crying out. A lot of crying to my friends, you know, of just being held and my friends just holding so much space for me. You are such a. You were the light in my life. Like, you know, the salt and light. Like you. You were that. And that's why it's so. It's just. It's crazy to hear you say this, because you have no idea the impact that you've. You've carried in my life of. You've held my grief.

[D]

I love you so much.

[B]

All this time, and you loved me, and. And that's what grief looks like. You just need some good friends to hold you and meet you where you're at. You never, like, r. Crushed me or, you know, told me to just trust Jesus sometimes.

[E]

I did it right.

[B]

That's why you became my best friend so fast. She would always. I'll give you some advice on what to do to hold grief that Angela did. God has healed me so much from.

[C]

Open enrollment. Always feels like one of those moments where you're supposed to make a big decision, but no one actually explains anything. It's confusing, it's overwhelming. And honestly, it can feel like you're being rushed into signing up for something overpriced with fine print that you don't fully understand.

[F]

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Join Crowd Health.com obsessive compulsive thinking.

[B]

I would ask and I think a lot of us do that when we're going through heartache. You like wring your hands out in anguish and you just like, it's like the. Your nervous system is in such a state of shock and your brain goes into survival mode. So you like you self blame and you ask the same question. I went through that for years and so I would look at Angela and I would be like, but. And I would ask him her the same question. And she was so. The reason why she became my best friend so quickly, honestly is because she literally would sit there and act like it was the first time I would ask that question. And she just looked at me like she. There was no judgment with you. Like you, you truly just loved me through that grief. That's why, like I'll never forget it. That's why I like, I'll talk about it every episode on stages because you were that you are that were that light. And you led me to Jesus by meeting me where I was. Like, Jesus did. Jesus didn't rush me in my grief. He didn't, like, tell me to heal and just trust him. He walked through it. And that's why as. As people of light, we need to do that too. We need to meet people where they're at. We need to sit with them. We don't need to rush them, listen to them. I think a lot of people get really impatient with people that are going through grief. I lost a couple friends through my grief journey because they got really impatient. And it's not easy to deal with someone when they're going through grief.

[D]

It's so true. It's not true.

[B]

And so sometimes people are like, I can't deal with this. They need to move on. They need to go on. But until you go through that deep grief, that's why it's so beautiful. Like, I don't know if. If you ever lost someone, but you. It was like you understood.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so you just need to be patient with people.

[D]

Breakup grief is also so universal, too, that it's like the one thing you gotta walk the. You know, you gotta walk the journey with people. And I just feel like, I don't know, there's, like, nothing better than being there for someone through a breakup. I feel like it's just because it's such a universal thing where everybody knows what it's like, and everybody know, like, it's just. Yeah.

[B]

And you know what's so cool, too, about grief and, like, going through breakups, there's this, like, vulnerability that you cultivate because you don't have any ego. You're so low. You have such this, like, humility. You become like a child.

[E]

Right.

[B]

I became like a little girl where I just needed love and I needed to talk. And so it opened myself up to be able to cultivate these friendships.

[D]

That's so true.

[B]

That's why we became so close.

[D]

It's just like, nothing bonds you more than grief. Like, it's just not like trauma bonding in an unhealthy way, but, like, they're just when. When you get to be there for someone. I think that's also what I'm learning in this season, too, is, like, I struggle so much with asking for help.

[C]

I struggle so much with asking for.

[D]

Support, because I just don't want to feel, like, a burden ever. And I've just, like, realized so much that the way that I want to be there for other people, people want to Be there for me too. People want to show up. Like, it's an honor for people to be there. Like, it was an honor for me to be there for you through the beginning of us being friends. Like, that was my favorite. Like, I love. I also have a savior complex. That's not good. But, you know, like, there's nothing better than I love being there for people, so I'm just gonna assume that other people want to be there for me too.

[C]

You know?

[B]

Like, I would say sorry. I say sorry to her all the time. I'm like, I just want to say, like, how sorry I am for that time where I was such a mess. Like, and she will look at me and she'll be like. Like, huh?

[C]

I'm like.

[E]

I don't know if I have memory loss, but you.

[D]

I remember the beginning of our friendship being the bet. Like, I had the time of my life. Like, I had the best time with you.

[B]

That's crazy.

[D]

And so I don't even remember you going through anything. Is that weird? I don't remember, like, you, even through your grief. I will say, though, even through your. Your grief, you were just like the most joyful, insanely funny person down for a good time. Ari would be so deep in grief, and I would take her to Pilates with me.

[B]

Yeah. Because I had this girl come and swoop me up. I was so lonely. And then I. And then God sends me her, and she's like. She, like, caught me. I was like, anything you did, I'd be like, okay, let's go.

[D]

Well, I mean.

[F]

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All right guys, we had.

[C]

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[D]

I. I don't even know how in your deepest grief, you were able to go to, like, workout classes with me.

[E]

And you guys know, I was just.

[B]

So happy to be half a friend like you take with you.

[D]

And so when we first met. You guys know this, but when Ari and I first met, I was in the height of, like, my, honestly, like, disordered eating. Like, I was.

[B]

No idea.

[D]

I was on the Carnivore Carnivore diet. I was like, I went through this period like, the OCD was bad, the hyper fixations on food was bad. I have a lot more freedom now. You guys know this, but I went through this period when Ari and I first became friends. First I was Carnivore diet. So beef, lots of beef. Eating beef all day. I'd make her beef and I didn't.

[B]

Know that she was this way, so.

[E]

She thought I just really liked beef. Like, she didn't know why. I would make her a beef with feta cheese and she'd be like, like, good.

[B]

I did anything she said I did.

[E]

I made her eggs with feta cheese.

[D]

You would be like. And then, like, leave them on the plate.

[E]

And I'd be like, huh, she's not hungry.

[D]

And then I then had a hyper fixation on getting poultry from the farmer's market from the butcher. I would pick her up every day, same time.

[E]

I didn't know that this kid just wanted a friend. I thought she was also interested in what I was interested in. No, she just wanted to come along for the ride.

[D]

I'd pick her up, we'd go to the Grove in la, we'd go to the farmer's market. We'd get. I would be like, truly, you guys don't understand. I'd be. Be so excited to go to the butcher. And she probably.

[E]

You probably were like, what is wrong with this chick? Like, she's so weird.

[B]

I loved it.

[D]

I. I was so passionate about this. This chicken. So we'd get raw chicken every single day. We'd go to Ari's house and then I'd make it for us. And. And I was just like, this is so cool. Like, we have all the same interests.

[E]

When really she just wanted a friend. And it was so.

[D]

That was truly the best time. And I made her eat chicken. And then I remember you'd be like, ange, do you think we could, like.

[E]

Have a steak today?

[B]

And I'd be like, no, no, no.

[E]

I think it's best we go to the butcher.

[B]

I was like, okay, chicken again.

[E]

You have to say, I am so evolved from that now.

[D]

Like, who was that? I was like, I was so type in.

[B]

Honestly, we should probably get back on that chicken carrot schedule.

[D]

Yeah. Because chicken and carrots is what it was.

[B]

Chicken and carrots.

[D]

I enjoyed every second. I'm wearing pilates socks right now.

[B]

I got my ballet wearing the same outfit.

[D]

Belly flops.

[B]

The bopsy twins. Can we get back to that?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Can we make chicken and carrots this weekend?

[D]

Yes, I think we should.

[B]

We, her, me, and Ange had a little weekend together, and I just kept looking at her thinking, because it's like, we haven't really. It's been so crazy with tour, and then we're exhausted, and I, like, live.

[D]

A little bit further now I live somewhere else.

[B]

So it's like her and I, like, really bonded this weekend. And it was so sweet. Just. It felt like old times.

[D]

Well, because for the first two years of our friendship, we had sleepovers every single day of our lives.

[E]

Super healthy, not codependent.

[B]

But it was really nice. We sat on the beach together. You guys. You guys should do that. That was. That was really healing.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Being on the beach, reading the word on the beach.

[B]

We. We, like, pushed oursel out of the house. We sat on the beach. We brought our Bibles, we prayed together. We just talked to God together. Prayed for each other. Read some psalms, little Isaiah here, little.

[D]

Isaiah there, little Isaiah. 43, 46. Listen. Oh, don't you always feel so good after a little cry?

[B]

It's. There's. No, listen, I'm. I'm just gonna tell you us. What does grief feel like? There were. When I first went through my grief. I just want you guys to know you're not alone. I actually felt like I was gonna die. It wasn't just about the bra. I mean, I. I was. I literally experienced loss after loss after loss.

[D]

You had compounded losses that you hadn't dealt with. And then the last one. And so when there's a breaking point, every. It's so much more than just a breakup.

[B]

Deaths, loss of job, financial burden, like, all of that loss and just, like, getting it all stripped from you, I mean, I. I was so done.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I. And I. And I know so many people that battle that, where they're like, I can't live anymore. Like, I feel done. And I want to let you know that you. You're you. Like, you are not alone. There are moments where you feel like, how am I going to make it through the day? Like, I can't do this anymore. Like, the fight is, it's, it's too much. You're going to feel so tired to the point where, like, you're just rotting in bed for days. And I just want to let you know that it is going to get better. Yeah, it is going to get better. Galatians 6, 9. Do not grow weary, because there is a harvest on the other side when you don't give up. And like, not giving up doesn't mean, like, get up and, and be happy and all these things. Sometimes not giving up just looks like baby steps every single day. But I love that we talked today about just trust Jesus because so many people feel like I just, just.

[D]

You just can't spiritually bypass pain. Like, you can't just put a spiritual. Okay.

[F]

We talk a lot on here about living with intention and being faithful and the small everyday choices. Scripture reminds us that our bodies are temples and caring for them is part of our stewardship. But modern life makes that hard. Stress, sugar, processed foods, foods, it all adds up.

[D]

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[B]

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[F]

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[D]

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[D]

Like banner over some over deep suffering, you know. And it's good to remind people to trust Jesus. I keep asking people, like, remind me who Jesus is, talk to me about him, like just remind me who he is. I need to be reminded because it's a little convoluted and confusing right now in my head. And so it's good to hear the truth about who God is, of course. But also you just don't need to feel. I think our point in saying the trust Jesus thing is you don't need to feel bad when you are in survival mode. Deep grief, burnout or like deep tragedy that like trust Jesus isn't working. That's actually normal if it's not working and that's okay, and you will get to a place, point blank period, where it starts to feel true to you again. And it's okay if it doesn't feel true right now. It's okay if in moments it doesn't feel like the truth that, that Jesus is. Has a great plan for your life or that he will work all things together for good. Like we know that that's truth and it doesn't always feel that way. And the one thing that helps me, I literally, this is like a practical thing that I do when I find myself in a swirl of lies and like confusion and like, oh my gosh, this is. How am I going to get out of this? I'm never going to get better. And things are really, really bad right now. Whenever I feel that I love, I always, I remember, I don't know who I heard say it one time where it's just like there's like our current reality and then there's a heavenly perspective right above it. And like whenever we're looking at our current reality, which is totally normal, that's why we have moments where we lose faith. Because if we always stayed in our heavenly perspective, of course you'd have faith. But the second you put your eyes down here and you're in the natural, things don't look good here most of the time for a lot of people. And that's completely normal. And what I've learned through everything I've ever been through is that I don't need to have shame for looking at the natural and being like, oh shoot, this does not fill my heart with faith right now. However, what has been so helpful is whenever I find myself stuck in this reality, in the natural. My current circumstance, the pain that I'm in, the confusion that I'm facing, and just, like, all this whole swirl of lies and mess, and it's almost like I literally. I'll do this. I'll, like, actually, like, pretend I'm, like, rising above it, and I'll look above, and it feels like I remember the promises of God. And it's like me and Jesus lock eyes, and I'm like, okay, you are here and you are doing something, and I can trust that. And I do that so many times a day where I'll be down here. And then I look up and I see Jesus, and I'm like, okay, he is up to something. He's doing something. There has to be good in this. It is the promise of God, of God, that no matter what you're doing or no matter what you're going through, there is good that will come out of it, period. And I can speak to that from experience because I've gone through so much of it in my life. And I read something the other day that was like, all.

[C]

Whenever you ask somebody.

[D]

Like, what is your. Most of the time, whenever somebody has had, like. Like, insane spiritual transformation or an insane life change, and you ask them, they will talk about their suffering, like, almost all the time. When you ask someone what brought you to this point of, like, insane faith and a life laid down for Jesus, like, what brought you to that point, they almost always say it was suffering. I can testify it is the vehicle a lot of the time by which we enter into great faith. And so whoever needs to hear that, that whatever you're facing is your vehicle to an amazing, fiery great faith. And I'm talking to myself, too. Even if it feels nothing like that right now, you just have to endure. We just have to endure. You just have to get to the other side of it, because what did Kamala say?

[E]

Weep in the night, joy come in the morning.

[B]

And I can tell you I said this to Angela if. If I had to go back and go through everything all over again. And I went through pain that felt like I was not going to survive. Not going to survive it.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I would go through it all over again. And that's some deep pain just to become the woman that I am today.

[E]

So good.

[B]

And I can point back to every single moment. And it was only through the grief, the suffering, God taking away certain things in my life that I can point to those moments and say, you are there. And you're real. And I would not know him as healer, as my father, as the God that sees me if I did not go through all of the hardships, the pain, the grief, the moments where I couldn't pick myself up off the floor if I didn't go through all that. And it's. It's like, absolutely. I go back to those moments of the grief on my floor, and I'm like, wait a minute. You picked me up in that moment where I couldn't breathe. And he helps me breathe easy again. And I'm just like that. I look. It was only through those moments where I saw God. Jesus.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'm just so grateful for the heartbreak, the pain, the grief. I'm so grateful for it all. And. And I would. I just would not be this woman of faith and perseverance and character. I would not have the character and the boldness and authority that I have if I didn't go through it. And so I just. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna say friends, friends, friends. Community. It's really hard to sit in isolation when you are battling.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm. You guys know, I'm from Massachusetts. I. I have a best friend who. Whose sister committed suicide. She was. She was going through so much grief that she just. She couldn't take it anymore. And one of the things that the enemy does is when we're in isolation, it's. He attacks the. The mind. I've seen it in my own family. And so one of the greatest blessings that we have is each other, to carry us, to hold up our arms when we can't sit up straight or see straight. And so you surround yourself with people. You surround yourself with friends. You, You. You have people pray over you when you can't speak the scriptures. You have them pray truth over you. You have them read the Bible to you when you can't see straight and read. It's crucial when we are sitting in pain and grief. Community.

[D]

People, find your people.

[B]

Love.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And people want to be there for you. That's the. Anybody who's listening, who feels like people, like, they don't want to be a burden. People want to be there for you. The right people. People want to grieve with you. They want to carry your burdens.

[C]

They want to share.

[D]

With you what you're going through. So just find your people. Pray for those people. I think Jesus for my people. Like, I thank Jesus for him first and then for the people who help heal a heart that they didn't break. Truly, those are. Anyways, that's a different episode.

[E]

But I think that.

[B]

But I think that's another great thing about grief. Is it. Can it cause a hunger in you? You can either go, I could have went two ways. I could have sat in isolation and honestly took my life. Yeah, I could have.

[D]

Because you were in isolation.

[B]

I was in isolation. I. At that time, everybody had. Had moved away, so I had nobody. And I'm in my little studio apartment, and I could have being in that dark apartment and in my. My thoughts eating me alive. I mean, I could have. I. I could have went a whole different way. And a lot of people do. Or you can fight, which I did. And God gave me strength. He will give you strength. And it causes a hunger in you because this is what God intended for you. And the relationships, the friendships that I've cultivated through my grief will be with me. You know, look at. Look at what? Look at my life. If, like, I'm not a seed of faith for you guys, I don't know what is, and I can't believe it. Like, I. The friends that I have, the people God brought into my life. And so let that grief drive you, a hunger to. To seek friendships, to go to church, to join community groups.

[D]

Please let it drive you to other people.

[B]

Because on the other side of your grief, it is a life full of harvest and joy and light.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And you'll be a testimony for so many.

[D]

So good. Guys, we love you so much. Thank you for being with us today. This was very unexpected. We love you so, so deeply. Thanks for being on this journey with us. Thanks for being on this journey with me. We really would love to know in the comments what your grief journey has been like or what you did for your grief or just what it's been like, you know? Yeah. Just what it's been like in your grief. If you're currently in grief, if you've. If you've overcome grief, we want to celebrate that. Like, please, just. We're obsessed with reading comments. We love when you guys comment.

[C]

We literally read every single one.

[D]

So if you guys could comment just what you're going through or what you've overcome and how we're in this together. We want to hear that. So thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me come on here and be completely undone. I don't think I would have been able to do today if not. And I don't know what I would do without you guys.

[E]

This space girls gone Bible means the.

[D]

World to me and to both of us. And I can't thank you enough. You guys have given me so much.

[E]

Strength and confidence and love and joy.

[D]

Thank you, Jesus, for this ministry. Thank you, Jesus, for my sister. Thank you, Jesus, for all of you guys. We love you so, so much.

[B]

And then below, if you guys could write, like, a prayer chain, what do you guys. We can all pray for each other, too.

[D]

Yeah. That's amazing.

[B]

Yeah. We love you guys so much. Thank you.

[D]

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face shine upon you and. And be gracious to you. May he turn his face towards you and give you peace.

[B]

Shalom. Shalom. True shalom.

[E]

Love you so much.