Girls Gotta Eat – "Breakup Bootcamp with Amy Chan" (Re-release)
Episode Date: September 1, 2025
Overview: Turning Breakup Pain into Empowerment
In this beloved re-release, Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg revisit their 2019 conversation with relationship expert and "Breakup Bootcamp" founder Amy Chan. With equal parts humor and emotional honesty, the hosts and Amy dissect the agony of heartbreak, explore how to reframe pain into growth, and offer actionable, science-based tools for moving on. The episode is both an intimate story of personal transformation and a practical guide to healing—one that listeners have revisited time and again for its rawness, relatability, and wisdom.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Amy’s Story: From Devastation to Empowerment
[03:46 - 11:29]
- Amy recounts the end of her “dream” relationship through infidelity, leading to a profound identity crisis and depression.
- She describes the double mourning of a partner and the imagined future:
“Not only was I mourning the loss of our relationship, I was mourning the loss of the future and this plan that I held onto for dear life.” (Amy, [04:39])
- The healing pivot came after about 1.5 years, when a friend challenged her to reconsider her narrative, shifting from victimhood to agency.
- Memorable moment: Amy explains writing an accountability letter to her ex, sparking her own empowerment.
2. Heartbreak is Physical—and Temporary
[07:43 - 12:35]
- Amy summarizes research showing acute emotional pain lasts about eight weeks, with heartbreak activating brain areas akin to drug withdrawal.
“You’re physically in withdrawal…your body is used to getting doses of dopamine and oxytocin from this person...and then you don’t get it anymore.” (Amy, [08:17])
- Discusses strategies for allowing these symptoms to subside without acting on emotional impulses (like calling/texting an ex).
3. Body-Based Tools to Survive the ‘Crazy’
[12:35 - 19:51]
- Amy emphasizes that time alone doesn’t heal—the roots often lie in deeper wounds and childhood patterns.
- Outlines a step-by-step protocol:
- State Change: Physically shake out adrenaline/cortisol (“excuse yourself and just shake, shake, shake for a couple of minutes”).
- Breathwork: The 3–5–7 breath (in for 3, hold for 5, out for 7) to reset the nervous system.
- The 90-Second Rule: Emotions physically pass in 90 seconds; the rest is “the stories you’re attaching.” Pause before reacting.
“90 seconds is the amount of time that it takes for an emotion to actually move through your body. Anything extra is the stories that you're attaching to that emotion.” (Amy, [16:14])
- Hosts share real experiences with delayed email/text responses to reinforce the power of pausing.
4. Rewiring Narratives and Chemistry
[20:29 - 33:43]
- Amy encourages separating feelings from facts and advises writing out only the factual story for clarity.
- She introduces the idea of “rewiring your chemistry compass”—intentionally dating healthy partners, even when it initially feels “boring” or repulsive due to ingrained attraction to chaos, until healthy becomes familiar and desirable.
“If your relationship history hasn’t been very healthy, it’s possible that your chemistry compass is broken.” (Amy, [27:49])
5. Drama Isn’t Passion—Busting Relationship Myths
[34:12 - 38:03]
- The group discusses how early relational chaos leads people to confuse drama or anxiety for love and passion.
- Amy explains the trap of “love addiction” and how pop culture (Disney, love songs) normalizes unhealthy dynamics.
6. Pie Chart: A Tool for Balanced Identity
[59:19 - 61:09]
- Amy shares a powerful exercise: Divide your “pie” of life (relationship, work, friends, self-care, hobbies). Most women fill 60-70% of their “pie” with relationship energy—often losing themselves in the process.
“...Decision after decision, limit after limit that you breach... you get to a point where suddenly it’s just all relationship.” (Amy, [60:27])
7. Rituals and Letting Go
[62:17 - 64:00]
- At Bootcamp, participants write letters to their exes that include:
- The facts of what happened
- Their own accountability
- Lessons learned
- What they’re letting go, forgiving, and grateful for
- The letter is then burned—a cathartic, ritualized ending.
- Other self-reflection exercises: Pros and cons lists (Ashley), reframing pain with gratitude, and celebrating growth post-breakup.
Notable Quotes & Moments
- “What I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I can now look back in retrospect, and that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
—Amy Chan ([06:39]) - “Breakups are the shakeup you need to redirect your life.”
—Amy Chan ([11:29]) - “Your feelings aren’t facts.”
—Amy Chan ([19:48]) - “Avoid contact if you can…you need a new reality without your partner in it.”
—Amy Chan ([20:41]) - “Healthy love is the same whether you’re getting it from friends or family…Healthy love is consistent, peaceful, generous.”
—Amy Chan ([37:11]) - “Our greatest lesson in this lifetime is to practice opening our hearts. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.”
—Amy Chan ([45:20]) - “Sometimes the breakup is the shakeup you need.”
—Ashley Hesseltine ([11:29]) - “If you broke up with this person, what would you have? If it’s nothing, that ain’t good.”
—Ashley Hesseltine ([61:49])
Amy Chan’s Breakup Bootcamp: What It Is & How It Works
[50:16 - 58:16]
- A four-day retreat (Hudson, NY, expanding to CA), founded by Amy, with a team of 14 experts (psychologists, hypnotists, energy healers, even a dominatrix specializing in power dynamics).
- Science meets spirituality: programming runs from 8:30am to midnight, alcohol/drug/phone-free, home-cooked meals, deep group bonding.
- Focus is on rewiring beliefs, nervous system regulation, identifying core wounds, supportive community, and practicing new relationship habits.
- Long-term support via WhatsApp and monthly meetups.
- Amy’s site: renewbreakupbootcamp.com
Instagram: @missamychan
Practical Tools & Exercises Shared
Timestamps refer to key explanations:
- Physical “Shake” for Stress Release — [13:00]
- 3-5-7 Breath Protocol — [14:00]
- 90-Second Emotion Rule — [16:14]
- Letter-Burning Ritual — [62:17]
- Pie Chart Life Audit — [59:19]
- Stop-Sign Visualization to Halt Rumination/Fantasy — [67:48]
On Building a Life Beyond Romance
[54:41 - 61:36]
- After breakup, focus on “finding your identity”—build new interests, fortify friendships, invest in yourself, and reimagine who you could be independent of a partner.
- Reinforces that every breakup can be a catalyst for positive transformation.
- Examples include Raina going to culinary school & Ashley starting stand-up, both after major heartbreaks.
On Future-Tripping & Fantasy Relationships
[66:01 - 68:56]
- Amy warns about creating relationships in your head—daydreaming about “the future” with someone before the reality aligns.
“We create a relationship in our heads...Your body can't tell the difference between what's happened in the past, the present, and the future.” (Amy, [66:01])
- Shares the “stop-sign” technique for halting obsessive or fantasy thinking: visualize a red stop sign, then list things you’re grateful for.
- The importance of keeping busy and cultivating a full life (“pick up a book!”) to curtail unproductive fixation.
Real Talk: On Friendship, Humor & Final Advice
[71:08 - end]
- Heartfelt discussion that most women, in hindsight, are grateful for breakups, as they foster growth.
- Final note: “If that person doesn’t want to be with you, you shouldn’t want to be with them. You deserve somebody that wants to be with you.” ([65:32])
- Amy’s social/contact info recapped.
Summary Takeaways
- Breakups are universally painful but can be powerful catalysts for growth if navigated with awareness.
- Emotional pain is normal, fleeting, and can be managed with somatic (body-based) and mental tools.
- Patterns of unhealthy love often stem from childhood and can be rewired by intentionally seeking and choosing health.
- Your identity should be diversified—don’t let romantic partnership comprise your entire self.
- Community, ritual, and humor (especially with girlfriends!) are key to healing and moving forward.
- Real relationships are built, not fantasized; stay present, pause before reacting, and audit your own patterns with compassion.
For more on Amy Chan and Breakup Bootcamp, visit renewbreakupbootcamp.com and follow her at @missamychan on Instagram. For ongoing support and laughs, find Ashley and Rayna at @girlsgottaeatpodcast.