Podcast Summary: Girls Gotta Eat

Episode: "Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager"
Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Theme: The modern friendship paradox—why we crave close communities (“villages”) but often hesitate or refuse to be active, present “villagers” ourselves. The conversation examines how shifting boundaries, self-care, digital connection, cultural changes, and personal anxieties impact how we show up (or don’t) as friends.

Episode Overview

Ashley and Rayna dive into the evolving landscape of adult friendship in an age where everyone wants a supportive, invested community, but fewer people want to do the work of showing up consistently. They candidly (“comedic education”, as always) discuss the barriers—everything from social anxiety, “protecting your peace”, avoidance of social inconvenience, and the lure of staying home—to true friendship, exploring both personal stories and current cultural trends.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Desire for Connection vs. Reluctance to Invest

• The phrase “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager” has gone viral, reflecting the widespread yearning for close support but widespread unwillingness to participate in communal effort.
• Social media, generational differences (Millennial vs. Gen Z), and changing ideas about self-care have contributed to a less active approach to friendship.

Quote:
"People want friends and support and a community, but don’t want to give that back, don’t want to show up for people. They want to protect their peace and stay home... and how that mindset is counterproductive to community."
—Ashley (23:10)

2. The Reality of Friendship: Inconvenience, Showing Up, and Reciprocity

• Real friendship is often inconvenient, but the rewards outweigh the effort.
• There’s an increased emphasis in pop culture and TikTok on boundaries and “not owing anyone anything.”
• The hosts challenge this, emphasizing you can't expect support you aren’t also willing to give.

Quote:
"Friendship is inconvenient sometimes and we don't want to do stuff... but I do want people to do those things for me. I want people to show up for me. There's reciprocity there."
—Rayna (30:54)

3. Defining Moments: Friendship Stories & the Importance of Showing Up

• Ashley shares a hilariously gross but touching story about passing out and bonding with a friend in a public bathroom, revealing how “worst moments” can cement deep connections (8:00–12:20).
• Attending friends’ milestones (birthdays, weddings, shows) even when it’s hard is highlighted as meaningful, indelible friendship loyalty.

Quote:
"I'll remember forever that she was like, I will put you ahead of what I want, because I'm sure she did not want to do that."
—Rayna, on a friend flying cross-country for her (51:24)

4. Navigating Modern Friendship Challenges

• Social anxiety, finances, parenting, and workload are real barriers, but having honest conversations about limits is crucial.
• Not showing up isn't always personal—life stages (parenting, marriage, etc.) can naturally shift priorities.

Quote:
"Friendships ebb and flow, and they have seasons, and you have to recognize if your friends are just in a different stage of life."
—Ashley (54:17)

5. The Friendship Matrix: Deciding When to Show Up

Ashley’s “Friendship Closeness – Event Importance Matrix” (39:10)

• Close friend + Important event: You have to go (39:35)
• Less close friend + Less important event: You don’t have to go (39:48)
• Less close friend + Important event: Your call—would you want them to come for you? (39:58)
• Close friend + Less important event: Gauge based on importance to them (40:45)

6. Boundaries, Overcorrection, and Communication

• The pendulum has swung toward “overboundaried” and “overtherapized” friendship, with self-care sometimes used as a get-out-of-inconvenience-free card.
• True connection requires risk, embracing occasional discomfort, and communicating honestly when you can’t show up.

Quote:
"They’re protecting their peace into isolation. They’re drawing boundaries, and they’re not seeing their community."
—Ashley (45:01)

7. Digital Friendship vs. Real-Life Friendship

• Hype your friends online, yes—likes, comments, support matter—but digital engagement isn’t a full substitute for in-person effort.
• Internet-only friends are real, but shouldn't replace IRL connection.

Quote:
"I think hype your friends... like your friends’ stuff, leave comments. Why are you not? If you want it in return, if you’re posting, why aren’t you hyping your friends?"
—Ashley (69:07)

8. Conflict Avoidance vs. Friendship Growth

• Many people let friendships fade to avoid conflict, but Ashley and Rayna emphasize that conflict avoidance, not conflict itself, is what kills relationships.
• Open, vulnerable conversations—even about hurt feelings—can strengthen bonds.

Quote:
"The thing that ruins friendships is not conflict. It's avoidance."
—Rayna (59:54)

9. When You Always Show Up (and Don’t Feel It’s Reciprocated)

• If it feels one-sided (you always initiate), assess whether your friends’ life stages or mismatched priorities are the issue, and consider seeking new connections where values and circumstances align.
• It’s never too late to build new friendships, even into your 50s or beyond.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the importance of showing up:
  "To have a friend, you have to be a friend." —Ashley (19:34)

• On friendship effort:
  "I would die if someone said they couldn't count on me." —Ashley (41:48)

• On “over-boundaried” lives:
  "People are protecting their peace into isolation." —Ashley (45:01)

• On milestone support:
  "I will remember people that showed up for me for the rest of my life." —Rayna (50:27)

• On digital friendship:
  "I think hype your friends... like your friend’s stuff, leave comments." —Ashley (69:07)

• On communicating discomfort:
  "I've gotten better at saying, I don't know if I'm going to want to go. So make plans without me." —Rayna (71:28)

• Self-forgiveness:
  "It's never too late in life to be like, hey, I know I've been a little distant. I'd like to change that." —Ashley (73:12)

Memorable Anecdotes

• The Bathroom Incident (8:00–12:30):
  Ashley describes fainting at a party, being cared for by a friend, and then enduring a stranger’s explosive bathroom emergency together. This gross yet hilarious event cements their friendship—"this has solidified our friendship" (11:21).

• Ashley’s Friendship Matrix (39:10):
  Ashley sketches out a “friendship closeness / event importance” matrix to help listeners decide when to make the effort—be it wedding, birthday, or a third-tier friend’s baby shower.

Tips for Building Your Village (Key Takeaways)

• Treat people as you want to be treated.
• Show up—especially for close friends and important milestones.
• Be honest; don’t overcommit and flake, but set expectations up front.
• Use technology to stay connected, but don’t mistake it for showing up.
• Make an effort to check in (using reminders if needed).
• Address conflict directly, not passive-aggressively or with avoidance.
• It’s OK for friendship to have seasons—don’t beat yourself up, but be honest if you want to do better.
• Be open to making new friends at any age or life stage.

Segment Timestamps for Reference

• Personal story: bonding over a bathroom emergency: 8:00–12:20
• Why people forget friends’ milestones, and how to fix it: 13:05–17:47
• On the reciprocity of showing up: 30:54–33:12
• Ashley’s Friendship Matrix explained: 39:10–41:01
• On digital friendship and support: 68:34–71:06
• On confronting conflict and avoidance: 59:54–61:19

Final Thought

"If you want a village, you have to be a villager." Deep friendship is work, but it pays off in joy, loyalty, and the kind of support you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

Connect with Girls Gotta Eat

• girlsgottaeat.com
• Instagram/TikTok: @girlsgottaeatpodcast
• Ashley: @ashhess
• Rayna: @raina.greenberg
• Tour tickets: rainagreenberg.com

Share this episode with a friend—especially if they need a little nudge to be a better friend (or villager!).