"Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager"

Summary

Podcast Summary: Girls Gotta Eat

Episode: "Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager"
Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Theme: The modern friendship paradox—why we crave close communities (“villages”) but often hesitate or refuse to be active, present “villagers” ourselves. The conversation examines how shifting boundaries, self-care, digital connection, cultural changes, and personal anxieties impact how we show up (or don’t) as friends.

Episode Overview

Ashley and Rayna dive into the evolving landscape of adult friendship in an age where everyone wants a supportive, invested community, but fewer people want to do the work of showing up consistently. They candidly (“comedic education”, as always) discuss the barriers—everything from social anxiety, “protecting your peace”, avoidance of social inconvenience, and the lure of staying home—to true friendship, exploring both personal stories and current cultural trends.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Desire for Connection vs. Reluctance to Invest

• The phrase “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager” has gone viral, reflecting the widespread yearning for close support but widespread unwillingness to participate in communal effort.
• Social media, generational differences (Millennial vs. Gen Z), and changing ideas about self-care have contributed to a less active approach to friendship.

Quote:
"People want friends and support and a community, but don’t want to give that back, don’t want to show up for people. They want to protect their peace and stay home... and how that mindset is counterproductive to community."
—Ashley (23:10)

2. The Reality of Friendship: Inconvenience, Showing Up, and Reciprocity

• Real friendship is often inconvenient, but the rewards outweigh the effort.
• There’s an increased emphasis in pop culture and TikTok on boundaries and “not owing anyone anything.”
• The hosts challenge this, emphasizing you can't expect support you aren’t also willing to give.

Quote:
"Friendship is inconvenient sometimes and we don't want to do stuff... but I do want people to do those things for me. I want people to show up for me. There's reciprocity there."
—Rayna (30:54)

3. Defining Moments: Friendship Stories & the Importance of Showing Up

• Ashley shares a hilariously gross but touching story about passing out and bonding with a friend in a public bathroom, revealing how “worst moments” can cement deep connections (8:00–12:20).
• Attending friends’ milestones (birthdays, weddings, shows) even when it’s hard is highlighted as meaningful, indelible friendship loyalty.

Quote:
"I'll remember forever that she was like, I will put you ahead of what I want, because I'm sure she did not want to do that."
—Rayna, on a friend flying cross-country for her (51:24)

4. Navigating Modern Friendship Challenges

• Social anxiety, finances, parenting, and workload are real barriers, but having honest conversations about limits is crucial.
• Not showing up isn't always personal—life stages (parenting, marriage, etc.) can naturally shift priorities.

Quote:
"Friendships ebb and flow, and they have seasons, and you have to recognize if your friends are just in a different stage of life."
—Ashley (54:17)

5. The Friendship Matrix: Deciding When to Show Up

Ashley’s “Friendship Closeness – Event Importance Matrix” (39:10)

• Close friend + Important event: You have to go (39:35)
• Less close friend + Less important event: You don’t have to go (39:48)
• Less close friend + Important event: Your call—would you want them to come for you? (39:58)
• Close friend + Less important event: Gauge based on importance to them (40:45)

6. Boundaries, Overcorrection, and Communication

• The pendulum has swung toward “overboundaried” and “overtherapized” friendship, with self-care sometimes used as a get-out-of-inconvenience-free card.
• True connection requires risk, embracing occasional discomfort, and communicating honestly when you can’t show up.

Quote:
"They’re protecting their peace into isolation. They’re drawing boundaries, and they’re not seeing their community."
—Ashley (45:01)

7. Digital Friendship vs. Real-Life Friendship

• Hype your friends online, yes—likes, comments, support matter—but digital engagement isn’t a full substitute for in-person effort.
• Internet-only friends are real, but shouldn't replace IRL connection.

Quote:
"I think hype your friends... like your friends’ stuff, leave comments. Why are you not? If you want it in return, if you’re posting, why aren’t you hyping your friends?"
—Ashley (69:07)

8. Conflict Avoidance vs. Friendship Growth

• Many people let friendships fade to avoid conflict, but Ashley and Rayna emphasize that conflict avoidance, not conflict itself, is what kills relationships.
• Open, vulnerable conversations—even about hurt feelings—can strengthen bonds.

Quote:
"The thing that ruins friendships is not conflict. It's avoidance."
—Rayna (59:54)

9. When You Always Show Up (and Don’t Feel It’s Reciprocated)

• If it feels one-sided (you always initiate), assess whether your friends’ life stages or mismatched priorities are the issue, and consider seeking new connections where values and circumstances align.
• It’s never too late to build new friendships, even into your 50s or beyond.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the importance of showing up:
  "To have a friend, you have to be a friend." —Ashley (19:34)

• On friendship effort:
  "I would die if someone said they couldn't count on me." —Ashley (41:48)

• On “over-boundaried” lives:
  "People are protecting their peace into isolation." —Ashley (45:01)

• On milestone support:
  "I will remember people that showed up for me for the rest of my life." —Rayna (50:27)

• On digital friendship:
  "I think hype your friends... like your friend’s stuff, leave comments." —Ashley (69:07)

• On communicating discomfort:
  "I've gotten better at saying, I don't know if I'm going to want to go. So make plans without me." —Rayna (71:28)

• Self-forgiveness:
  "It's never too late in life to be like, hey, I know I've been a little distant. I'd like to change that." —Ashley (73:12)

---

Memorable Anecdotes

• The Bathroom Incident (8:00–12:30):
  Ashley describes fainting at a party, being cared for by a friend, and then enduring a stranger’s explosive bathroom emergency together. This gross yet hilarious event cements their friendship—"this has solidified our friendship" (11:21).

• Ashley’s Friendship Matrix (39:10):
  Ashley sketches out a “friendship closeness / event importance” matrix to help listeners decide when to make the effort—be it wedding, birthday, or a third-tier friend’s baby shower.

---

Tips for Building Your Village (Key Takeaways)

• Treat people as you want to be treated.
• Show up—especially for close friends and important milestones.
• Be honest; don’t overcommit and flake, but set expectations up front.
• Use technology to stay connected, but don’t mistake it for showing up.
• Make an effort to check in (using reminders if needed).
• Address conflict directly, not passive-aggressively or with avoidance.
• It’s OK for friendship to have seasons—don’t beat yourself up, but be honest if you want to do better.
• Be open to making new friends at any age or life stage.

---

Segment Timestamps for Reference

• Personal story: bonding over a bathroom emergency: 8:00–12:20
• Why people forget friends’ milestones, and how to fix it: 13:05–17:47
• On the reciprocity of showing up: 30:54–33:12
• Ashley’s Friendship Matrix explained: 39:10–41:01
• On digital friendship and support: 68:34–71:06
• On confronting conflict and avoidance: 59:54–61:19

---

Final Thought

"If you want a village, you have to be a villager." Deep friendship is work, but it pays off in joy, loyalty, and the kind of support you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

---

Connect with Girls Gotta Eat

• girlsgottaeat.com
• Instagram/TikTok: @girlsgottaeatpodcast
• Ashley: @ashhess
• Rayna: @raina.greenberg
• Tour tickets: rainagreenberg.com

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Share this episode with a friend—especially if they need a little nudge to be a better friend (or villager!).

Transcript

[A]

This is one of the most, like, pervasive issues we've seen, where people are just like, I don't have anybody around me. I want more of that. How do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much.

[B]

This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

[A]

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

[B]

Welcome back. Steelers win last night.

[A]

Huge win.

[B]

Well, it was like a week ago at this point, but that was something else.

[A]

If you're listening today, the first game of the play tonight. So I got to get. Oh, this is great that I'm wearing this.

[B]

Yeah, this is perfect. This is great. And since we're talking about yellow. Yes. My nails are still gold. Okay, so we're recording this on January 5th, the day everyone returned back to the world.

[A]

Ashley, I, like, we had. This was the longest amount of raw weeks. Two raw weeks. I mean, rot started December 22nd and has gone till today. You and I went and saw a movie two days ago. We went to the theater. I, like, realized I don't know how to, like, form sentences with people anymore. Like, I've been out off the grid for so long.

[B]

Where was the movie correlation? Just. We walked.

[A]

Cause I was trying to, like, form sentences. We walked in.

[B]

That's when you noticed it.

[A]

Well, Brittany and I walked in before you and Shashank, and you had sent me the tickets. And so I was trying to explain to the ticket taker, like, I have. If you scan it now, I have two more people coming in. And, like, the words that came out of my mouth were, like, there's more to this.

[B]

It's insane.

[A]

She scanned my ticket, and I said, there's more to this.

[B]

They didn't even scan our ticket.

[A]

I know, guys.

[B]

Life hack or guys, what is it exactly? Money hack. Anyway, 2pm they aren't checking tickets at the Marina del rey. Dine in six. Whatever. Those tickets are on sale. They were, like 15 or 20% off, and then no one was checking.

[A]

And then I, like, ordered food from the kiosk, and I guess you're supposed to get a receipt and take it over to the popcorn person. And she's like, you get a receipt? And I was like, no. And she goes, I need a receipt. I was like, I don't have a receipt. And she was like, okay. She just gave me the popcorn.

[B]

Well, you're trying to take the attention away from my nails, and I respect that.

[A]

But the thing is, they are the color of popcorn.

[B]

I've had them for a month. As we Record, which is a month too long if you guys have been keeping up. It felt like decades. I'm sure. I mean, I feel like we've been talking about this for so long.

[A]

Get your polish change.

[B]

And she's coming this Wednesday.

[A]

I'll call you.

[B]

Bear. Bear.

[A]

Bear.

[B]

Yeah, I'm over correcting Bear. Yeah, I'm doing, like, Bear, like, naked nails. Naked.

[A]

Not like a pink she.

[B]

It's. It's light, very pale pink. They. They still look natural. I want a natural look. I'm so over this. She was out of town last week, and I was like, it's okay, Julieta. You know, take your time off. It's fine. I'll just be over here wanting to cut my hands off, but it's fine, you know, you take your little trip. Yeah. I'll see you on the seventh.

[A]

Okay. So I was getting a pedicure. I. I left you after the movie. I went, got a pedicure. It was, like, pouring down rain, so it was nothing else to do, honest. Saturday night, which we will talk about not going out today, rotting at home, but I got a pedicure. And there was this guy in the chair next to me, and he was, like, really hot. Maybe like 42, 43. Like, really masculine looking.

[B]

Not Stifler.

[A]

Not Stifler, unfortunately, but equally as hot. And he was getting a pedicure, which I think is cool. When guys do that. I think it's nice if you want to have, like, nice toenails and, like, you want to get that dead skin out of there. Whatever. And we're kind of making eyes and giggling, and I was, like, making a whole. Getting a lot of attention. And I looked down at what he had done to his feet. Oh, my God.

[B]

Not a picture. Okay.

[A]

This is the most masculine man, by the way I looked down. I did not expect to see a powder blue pedicure.

[B]

It's like, giving. It's like lavender, which would be the type of marriage you would be in if you were with that guy. But lavender nails.

[A]

Look at those toenails. They're like hooves.

[B]

They're huge.

[A]

I mean, it is not subtle.

[B]

The cotton between the toes, like, the separators between the toes is an ick. I didn't know I had. Raina, I cannot.

[A]

I can probably sneak this photo.

[B]

I. If whatever you want to do. You want to paint your nails. I feel like I'm about to do a bit for my special. You want to paint your nails, that's fine. You want to express yourself that way. But I don't Think I want a guy with painted toenails?

[A]

I don't want it. Listen, I. Listen, I'm all for, like, do whatever you want. Live and let live, you know? It's not for me. It's not. Well, I wouldn't pick it off the menu.

[B]

Yeah. It's not that I see painted nails. I'm, like, gay, not masculine. Those are not the thoughts that cross my mind. But I will say a man with the cotton between his toes to get a purple pedicure. No, not a real man.

[A]

To get your little lilac toes painted.

[B]

A lavender pedi.

[A]

Listen, I'm allowed to like different things in fashion, and I do not like that. It was. I've never lost my boner for a person.

[B]

I've seen painted toenails on guys. That's a first. I was so.

[A]

I was trying so hard to get you a photo. So all 10 of my fingers are wrapped in the foil, and he's looking right at me, and I'm trying to take photos of his feet, like, without him noticing, because I had the face to the right, and he was to my left. I had to turn the whole phone with my silver fingers. I did this for you.

[B]

The thought of you getting caught sends a chill down my spine. Like, if he would have been like, are you taking pictures of my feet?

[A]

Honestly, you deserve it. Yeah, I would say for making some weird decisions.

[B]

Look him down the face. Yes, of course I am.

[A]

And everyone else in the salon is, too.

[B]

And you're asking for it.

[A]

Do this in private. Okay.

[B]

Let's thank our partners.

[A]

All right. Thanks to Rocket Money, reach your financial goals [e-mail] GGE and Liquid IV get 20% off your first order at liquidiv.com with code GGE.

[B]

And thank you to Wildgrain. Get $30 off your first box, plus free croissants for [e-mail] GGE or use promo code GGE and Helix, get 20% [e-mail] GGE okay, well, talk about friendship today. We're talking about friendship today, and I had a friendship moment. I wanted to share. You know, the story. I couldn't keep it from you, but I'll share it with the audience the.

[A]

Way you told me, though. I did not.

[B]

I know, because I had been out.

[A]

With you guys earlier in the night.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You tell your story well. Yes. It. You were feeling like it was about to take a dark turn, but really dark turn. This was in New York. This was prior to Christmas, and we had had kind of A busy night. We did this Christmas show called Santa's Secret with a bunch of girls. And then you left because you had a show. But we went to dinner. We went to, like a 9:10pm dinner at the Mandarin randomly. Because we were in the mall in Columbus Circle. And then Megan, our friend Megan and I were like. She was like, built, which we love built. We talk about built, and I'll name drop them. Built is having a party way downtown, like Seaport. If we were at the top of New York, you were like, you went from the top to the bottom. And she was like, should we go? And I'm like, let's just go.

[A]

Like, we're dressed, we're out of the house.

[B]

Yeah, we're dressed, we're out of the house. Like, I'm trying to do the most when I'm in New York. So we headed all the way down there, and the party was so much fun. We met the founder and all these people and just having a blast. And, you know, we had probably more drinks than I typically do up to that point. And I had another glass of wine. I wasn't drunk, but I was, like, drinking maybe more than I would on an average night. And we'd probably been there for an hour. And I was talking to this guy who we love, who is actually this connect who got us the table in Vegas. And he's this, like, great connection that she has. And I met him, and he was wonderful. And as I'm talking to him, I just felt like I was going to faint. And I was like, I'm going to pass out or throw up or both. And I don't know what's going on. And I will say this was not an unfamiliar feeling to me, but when this happens to me, and I'll explain, it's usually in the morning. I haven't eaten. Like, this has never happened to me.

[A]

Like, out again. You're not like me. And on blood pressure issues?

[B]

Well, I have low blood pressure, and I will, like, feel faint, and the color will drain from my face. And it happens probably once a year. When I lived in New York, it happened usually in the mornings, never, though, at night. So I was like, something. Something bad's happening. And it's like nausea, but more than that. And I can feel the color, like, draining out of my face. And I'm just talking to this stranger. And I was like, I just have to leave the situation. And I. Megan was right there.

[A]

I grabbed her arm.

[B]

I was like, I have to go to. We have to go to the Bathroom. I have to get out of here. And as I'm walking with her, I'm like, I don't know. Like, something bad is happening. Like, I don't know what's going on. I think I got roofied. And that's the only thing I could come to because I'd had drinks. Someone handed me a glass of wine from the bar. But, like, we're with her friends. I'm like, these guys roofing me. We have to cancel.

[A]

You're so tall. To roofing.

[B]

We have to cancel. Build as a partner now. No, I didn't. So I'm like, I don't know what's happening. And she's just takes, like, control of the situation. It's so her. She's like, where's the bathroom? She's, like, barking at people like, we couldn't find the bathroom.

[A]

We're running around.

[B]

And I was like, I'm about to fall over. And so we bust into this bathroom. Big public bathroom in this event space. Like, 12 stalls. There's, like, girls in there. And, like, I just make my way to the back of the bathroom. There was, like, a place to lay down on the bathroom floor. And I just, like, laid down on the bathroom floor on the public bathroom floor. And, like, a couple girls came over, and they were like, hey, girly, are you okay? You know, and what I hate is people thinking that I'm, like, a drunk girl passing out when it's so naughty. Like, when I puked at Drake, I was like. And the girl in the next all over was like, girl, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm not drunk. Like, I'm not. So I just had to, like, sounds like a drunk thing to say 100% between people.

[A]

I'm like, are you okay? I'm not drunk.

[B]

I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. At Drake, you're drunk. And Megan was like, she's fine. And so literally, she's sitting with me on the bathroom floor, like, holding my hand. I'm just. I'm laying there, just. That felt like the cold tile. Like, I just needed that. And everyone left. So it was just us alone in the bathroom. And she is like, what is going on? And I was like, I'm starting to feel better. And, you know, like, I said, this has happened to me before. It happens usually in the morning. And I did start to feel better as soon as I laid down and I started to kind of sit back up. And I was like, okay, I'm not nauseous anymore. And, like, the color is coming back in my face because she was like, your face was completely white. And so we're sitting there, and I'm like, I think I just need a couple more minutes. I do want to go home, but I'm fine to, like, leave the part. I don't have to go to the hospital or anything. So we're sitting there, and I see someone come into the restroom, and it appears to be a man.

[A]

I will say, you, voice noted me this in the morning, and I was, like, terrified of what happened. I mean, you're passed out on the floor. You think you've gotten roofied, and a man enters the room. I was like, how is she so nonchalant about this?

[B]

So the where we. Where we were, I could see someone come in. I heard them come in. And I look and I mean, I guess you can never be too sure, but it was a very. It was a man, Someone presenting as a man. And I go, oh, is this a unisex bathroom? And I said out loud. And Megan was like, absolutely not, because we passed the men's bathroom on the way to get to the women's bathroom. And I almost went in there because of the situation we were in. She was like, it's absolutely women's bathroom. So we're, like, whispering. This man goes into the stall. We're sitting there, and within seconds, the most explosive diarrhea in a quiet bath. I'm. I'm just coming to. We're sitting there on the bathroom floor, Two girlies. This man has invaded the bathroom and blown it up. Raina like to hear it. We were covering our mouth, like we were wanting to throw up and laugh simultaneously.

[A]

Do you think he heard you giggling? Yes.

[B]

Or dry heaving giggling? I don't even know. Like I said, he went harder.

[A]

In that situation, I would pray that you were nowhere near me, because if I'm solo, I can kind of laugh internally. If I'm with another person, I would be choking back tears.

[B]

No, we were like this. There's no way this is happening. There's no way that I just had to, like, leave a party to come lay on this bathroom floor and listen, and now this. And so I think I needed a few more moments, But I just sucked it up and stood up. I was like, we have to get out of here. If we were like, this has solidified our friendship, like, we've been friends. But I was like, this is that moment where you're like, oh, we are close now.

[A]

You obeyed the rules of society. You cannot make eye contact with A person after they do that, I mean, that person is praying to God that they do not make eye contact with a person after that.

[B]

Like, we ran out there like, we could not stop giggling. Like, how did this happen?

[A]

I could not be around a friend of mine. I would lose my mind. There's nothing funnier than that. And this story took the most unexpected turn. Cause I thought you were gonna tell me you went to the hospital and you got roofied, and then maybe also you got attacked and it was just explosive diarrhea. So you're so lucky.

[B]

That was like a. I just think it's funny to think about defining friendship moments. Like, I don't think Megan and I will always cite that in the history of our friendship.

[A]

It's the worst moments in a friendship.

[B]

It is.

[A]

I'm sitting on a cold tile floor.

[B]

In the bathroom, but the best, just, like, I don't know. I. I know she's like a real friend, but not that any friend would have abandoned you, but there's just something of like a friend that's like, gonna grab you, bring you to the bathroom, lay you down, leave with you. Even though the party was really fun.

[A]

Like, we were both like, we gotta.

[B]

Go, it's time to go. The party's not over, but it's time for us to leave. And we, like, got in the car together and she just checked in on me a bunch of times and the first thing the next morning, and she actually is the one that was like, do you have low blood pressure? And I was like, oh, yeah. She was like, that's what this is. She was like, my dad has low blood pressure. All three of our births, her and her sisters, he. He was in the hospital bed next to them. He had to, like, lay down. Like, he passed out. Every time.

[A]

We're going to talk about, like, everybody wants, like, a village, but she is, like a single girl and definitely my friend more than most people that, like, remembers milestones, always checks in if you don't feel good, like, how are you feeling? What's going on?

[B]

She makes me want to be a better friend because she is that person that checks in and checks in on the milestones and when she knows people have important things going on. And if she was here right now, I'd ask her, like, do you just remember all of that or do you make notes about it? Because she has a big time job, you know, she has a lot going on, she has a lot of responsibility, she's really successful, she's a million friends. So it's sometimes like she's not just sitting at home thinking about what her friends have going on. She's got a busy life. And I think of my sister in law as someone who always remembers those things. And I think it's innate for some people and for other people I think you can put a calendar reminder in. Like I had a friend recently that had a loss in her family and I talked to her about it and then I checked in on her. But like I wish I would have checked in her a few days prior. Like I just had my own shit going on, you know, like we all do. It wasn't like you losing a parent, that would have been on my mind all day, every day. It was not that type of situation. But it was something that was really hard for her. And I just like said to myself, I was like, in the future you don't think you want to have to be this person, but sometimes you do put in your calendar, check in on so and so or like Raina's tour starts or Ashley's this or you know, like I don't know, I don't know if that's how Megan's operating or how Stephanie operates. But like it's okay to not be someone that has all of your friends and family members on your mind all day, every day.

[A]

I do wonder how people I do too. I mean, your sister in law is my first text message. When we have any milestones in our lives, I mean she just a mother of two, a wife, a mother of two little babies. She's just like the first person to be like congrats, I hope everything goes well. It's not that it's not in me. I guess I just get busy, I forget stuff and sometimes I support people the way that I wanna be supported. So like in a tragedy, I don't wanna bother people sometimes. But we had a friend who lost a parent, a step parent recently. And I gave it two days cause I didn't want her to be inundated. But I was like, I don't wanna bother you. And also you don't have to follow up, you don't have to respond to this.

[B]

Y think about that. Obviously we know losing parents and step parents and whatever is different than a, than a pet. But of course when I lost Dewey, it just I wasn't bothered. I got text all day, every day and I know people didn't expect me to respond and so it just meant the world. And like again like the friend that I checked in on, her I checked in on Friday, but I just Like, I don't know, you know, I'll beat myself up about anything. I just wish I would have checked in on Wednesday, you know, I wish I just would have thought about it sooner. And it's just like, what's the harm? And making a note for yourself.

[A]

I actually do not keep a log of, like, who checked in with me when. No, I only log it when people do not check in at all. So, like, ask me who didn't check in with us for the LA fires last year. I know every single person who I did not hear from.

[B]

The one.

[A]

The one. And I decided to sleep with him.

[B]

This year was an accident. Randy Greenberg dot com.

[A]

I got a solid 10 minutes on him in the hour.

[B]

You're so right. And we'll talk about this today. Friendships are not tit for tat, and they shouldn't be. But big things when everyone is rallying around you and everyone has remembered something except for a few people you do notice. And what I did yesterday is put in all my friends birthdays in my Google calendar, like repeating annually. And there's some birthdays that are ingrained in your brain forever. People you grew up with and college friends and friends. Post college. I have a really hard time and I'm not in Facebook anymore.

[A]

Post date the iPhone. I don't have your button. I know yourself on Facebook.

[B]

That's how we used to know. And so I was like, I don't want to be this friend this year. I think this all kind of ties in what we're talking about today. I was like, I want to be. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to miss birthdays anymore.

[A]

See, I don't remember birthdays because you remind me. It's like, it's funny. You think you forget birthdays. You have no idea. You remind me of your whole family's birthday. You tell me Shashank's birthday. I mean, pretty much all of our friends, like every other day. You're telling me when it's somebody's birthday.

[B]

But it's cause I've probably forgotten.

[A]

Okay, you know what's so embarrassing? It's cause you forgotten. And then they both get. They get this text from both of us at the same time and they're like, oh, they both forgot. They just both remembered.

[B]

Obviously I don't forget my family's birthday. And like. But yeah, like a friend, recently I realized I forgot her birthday. And so I texted Raina to be like, but I meant to say, like, give it 30 minutes.

[A]

I do try to kind of wait and for like an hour. But then I'm like, Ashley got in there so much earlier than I did. It was Alyssa's birthday. I also forgot about that.

[B]

January's tough. January birthdays are tough.

[A]

But also, I feel bad for those people.

[B]

I am not offended if people forget mine. And nobody forgets my birthday. That's on Instagram because I've posted it, you know, like, I'm gonna let you know, but it's just, like, I understand. And I think that's, like, part of being. It's like, be the friend you want to be. It's just like, you have to give people grace when you be doing the same stuff.

[A]

Birthdays are the thing. I just don't care if you forgot it. I don't expect you to remember my special day out of 365 days. I don't expect anybody to remember that. I do. I post on Instagram. So people remember. Yeah, but otherwise, I don't care if people remember it. That's a crazy thing to remember. I don't remember people's birthdays.

[B]

So my college friends, I have them all ingrained in my brain because of when we all turn 21. Like, I just know all their birthdays. And all of us, seven of us, are between April and July, which is, like, kind of cool. Also March and July. Sorry, but I forgot someone's last year because we always wish Happy Birthday in the group chat.

[A]

I know. Like, give me.

[B]

Help me. Who went outside the group chat.

[A]

No, I hate people to do this. Help me remember this.

[B]

It was just like every. We all. I was like, keep it in the chat. Come on, ladies side.

[A]

Texting about birthdays. Now.

[B]

We all kept the Clemson girls in the chat of all seven of us. So no one forgets a birthday.

[A]

No, I need somebody to remind me. I need people to do Instagram stories about it a lot.

[B]

If.

[A]

If they're not gonna remind me in a group text or if you're not gonna remind me.

[B]

I have you. I don't have to do it.

[A]

You know, we'll figure it out. You have said to me a bunch of times recently to be the friend that I want to have. You have a couple times. Not, like, lecturing me, but like, we were gonna not go to something. And you were like, I was thinking about how I would wanna be treated and I would want somebody to take this seriously. And I was like, you be right.

[B]

Yes. It was not a lecture, but it was kind of a. Like, hear me out.

[A]

Well, I wasn't gonna go to Something. And I had every right to not go, but you were just like, it's not how I would wanna be treated. I wanna be the have. And I was like, she's making me.

[B]

Be a better person. I just think that's the theme of the whole episode today is treat people how you want to be treated. Just hot take like we learned it in kindergarten. To have a friend, you have to be a friend.

[A]

All right, we'll just thank our partners and then we'll get right into the topic.

[B]

You guys, I am so excited to talk about Wild Grain. I have been, in the words of Raina Greenberg, foaming at the mouth to talk about this. So I'm just gonna go rogue really quick and tell you that in the last week in my household, we have had the wild grains sourdough, the regular croissants, the chocolate chip cookies, and the linguine. Like, it is so good and it's all so delicious. So I'll look at the talking points in a minute. But I just have to tell you guys, like, just order this for yourself or as it makes an amazing gift and everything comes frozen and then goes right into the oven or the boiling water if you're doing their pastas. But these breads are, are incredible. So Shashanku is my husband, if you're new here. He was like, what is this bread, these cookies? He's not even like a sweets guy. And then the pasta last night. But it's just so incredible. Everything they do, such high quality. It is the first baked from frozen subscription box. For sourdough breads, artisanal pastries, and fresh pastas, Everything bakes conveniently in 25 minutes or less. They use simple ingredients, a slow fermentation process that can be easier on your belly, and richer nutrients. So every time I eat anything from Wild Grain, I feel great. You know, you're not feeling like, oh, that wasn't good for my body. All the boxes are fully customizable. In addition to the variety box, they have a gluten free box, a vegan box, and a new protein box, which we love that too. This is just great. It's perfect for your easy dinners, your weekend brunches. I mean, those croissants, they are like second to none. I drove by this place in Santa Monica and I was going to stop in there, get some pastries. There was a line down the block. I was like, I have these at home. I don't need to go there out of the freezer. So we really can't stress enough how great this is. And again, we just love having stuff that in your home that you can make and we love everything about it. So get it for yourself or for someone else. There's nothing like having an artisan bakery in your freezer to chase away the winter chill. Now is the best time to stay in and enjoy comforting, homemade meals with Wild Grain. We highly recommend giving Wild Grain a try. Right now, Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off your first box, plus free Croissants for Life when you go to wildgrain.com gigi to start your subscription today. That's, that's $30 off your first box and free Croissants for Life when YOU visit wildgrain.com GGE or you can use promo code GGE at checkout.

[A]

Okay. It's a new year and so many of our listeners had said that their resolutions were like, get their finances in order and to figure out like what they can spend, how much they're spending. So we're gonna give you the perfect, easiest tool you could possibly use to do that. Rocket Money it is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending. It helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. So the interface on this app is your super simple to use. You'll go in and it'll consolidate your checking, savings, loans, investments into this single dashboard so you can have a really clear financial picture. They make it super easy to know what subscriptions you have and they'll help you cancel those subscriptions in the app with a few taps. I mean, to just so simply sign up, connect a couple of accounts and see every single thing in your financial accounts and like, what's going on, it's just, it's the easiest thing you can do to get a handle on your finances.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

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[B]

Okay, so our topic today, we mentioned it was about friendship and it's really about this discourse you've seen probably a lot wherever you get your information. Tick Tock is basically those are the books I read plenty of articles about everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager. And just the concept of People want friends and support and a community, but don't want to give that back, don't want to show up for people. They want to protect their peace and stay home. And I don't owe anybody anything. And how that mindset is counterproductive to community.

[A]

This concept has gone so viral recently. I've seen some, like, think pieces and yes, TikToks about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's so much that plays into it about, like, boundaries and what you think you're owed and being inconvenienced and not wanting to inconvenience yourself and how much people are even socializing today in general and how easy access to social media type of relationships are. But, like, we have this fantasy of, like, real friendship. And I think a lot of times we're getting further away from doing the things that you need to have real conversations, lowering those boundaries a little bit and having, like, real honest conflict with people showing up. Like, I was just joking with Melanie the other night. I was like saying on a Saturday night, I was like, I'm not going out.

[B]

I love it. I'm at home.

[A]

And she was like, can you imagine in our 20s, like, admitting to somebody.

[B]

That you weren't going out on a Saturday night?

[A]

Like, I would have made up some grandiose lie about, like, why I was staying home. I think it's become really in vogue to, like, rot stay at home, not go out. People are obviously drinking less, they're having sex less. And I think that, you know, for everything there's good and bad. Right. I think it's great that people are drinking less. I think it's great that people are prioritizing their mental health and staying home and not needing to party and spend all this money. And, you know, that self care is so prioritized. I think all that stuff is great, but there has been such a rise in that. And like, I just used to socialize more. Yeah, it used to be more in vogue to just be around more people.

[B]

More often, but that's how we had to start making friendships. Like, it's just a different generation.

[A]

No, that's what I mean. In my 20s, I mean, it was just.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I mean, generationally we are different, but.

[B]

It'S like that's how we're. We're wired. So we are going to be coming at this topic as elder millennials, where this is how we had to make friends growing up. We didn't make friends on the Internet. I mean, sometimes in chat rooms you might be a little friend, but, you know, it's just weird. Are better at socializing and I think better at making friends and better at partying. And the guys of our age are better at asking women out. Like, all these things. And I don't mean this as a dig to Gen Z. I just mean that we were brought up this way and we had to call people on the landline and we had to see our friends in person and you just had to communicate, like, differently. And so that's just how we were born and bred.

[A]

It's so interesting because, like, times have changed, but people haven't changed. The desire for community has never gone away. Even though we're like, in the house more and we're alone more and there's ways to connect, obviously, world in the and social media more. I mean, one of the number one things we've always gotten. It's pervasive for a decade of the podcast is like, I want more friends, I want more community. I've moved to this new place or all my friends are married and I'm the only single girl. This is one of the most pervasive issues we've seen, where people are just like, I don't have anybody around me. I want more of that. How do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much.

[B]

Yeah. We are social beings. We are fundamentally and biologically driven to form connections for survival and to thrive, which means your family, your friends, your community. But the odds are more stacked against you. Like, the need for community and friendship is never gonna change. We're just wired like that and everybody's different. And I also wanna say we have, like, a bunch of caveats because I'm coming at this as an extrovert and there was nothing introverted about me. People like, I'm an extroverted introvert. I'm an introvert extrovert. I'm an introvert. Or whatever the new one is. Like, I will never claim to be anything but an extrovert. Yes, I alone time. I need to recharge, but I want to be around people. That really fills my cup. And so I know that everybody's not like that too, and that's totally fine. And that you need to find what works for you.

[A]

Yeah. You and I are not socially anxious people, thankfully. And those are not the people we're speaking to. Obviously. It's. It's so easy to be like, just get off the couch and go out. I'm not. If you are like, I have mental health problems that are going to preclude me from doing that, that we're not speaking to you. And also, you and I don't have children. You know, like, we're not constrained by the type of things that other people are. Like, I can't afford to go out. I can't get a babysitter. I can't. I'm single, free. I'm right and mingle.

[B]

I saw a post that said, would you live in isolation for 10 years for a billion dollars when you got out of it? 10 days, I wouldn't do, I don't care.

[A]

5 days, 10 years.

[B]

And I couldn't believe 10 days for all right, fine.

[A]

What's the max? You would be in isolation for a billion dollars?

[B]

I don't know, because I feel like I would go crazy and I think it would traumatize me for life. I mean, you're not supposed to be in isolation. That's why they put prisoners like that behave badly in solitary confinement. We're not supposed to do that. It makes us go crazy.

[A]

Okay, I could do 30 days for a.

[B]

Just alone by yourself? I don't, I think I would start to go crazy.

[A]

Do I have a television? I mean, solitary confinement, you just stare at the wall, right?

[B]

Solitary confinement. I don't even, there's like, no price. I don't, I don't think there's a price. I, I, I really, I don't know. I think I could do a week in solitary.

[A]

I could do a week. I could do 10 days. I start to go really crazy.

[B]

That's what my point.

[A]

Like, I mean, we talked about this on the show before. There's been a couple times. I mean, I've gotten, I've gotten surgeries where I couldn't leave the house. And like, I started doing and acting, like, really crazy after, like, seven days of not seeing people. Like, I'm acting in a way that is outside of, like, my normal personality. And I had access to social media and TV at those times.

[B]

Yes. Like, we are wired for connection. If a day goes by and I've just been in the house or especially like a travel day, and I haven't, like, talked to someone in five hours.

[A]

You do like to be poo.

[B]

I can't stand it. I feel like something's off. So anyway, we just say all that to say how important these connections are, how important friendships are. And I do think everyone is different. I mean, I do think some people genuinely are, like, I'm good with five good friends in my life. And some people are like, I need 20 plus best besties and I don't know. Everyone is very different in what they want. But it's going to come down to you need to be the type of friend that you want to have.

[A]

Yeah, I think there's no, like, quant list. I like having a large group of friends. I like having different friends for different things. I have, like, friends I would just go to lunch with. I have travel friends. I have different friends for different things. But if five people is good for you, then that's great. That's still your village and you still have to show up for those people. And I was thinking about this a lot because we've seen some people talking online about, like, you don't need to go to people's weddings. And we had somebody on this show talk about. I felt weird, like, not pushing back, but know you. She was talking about, like, it's fine if you want to skip somebody's birthday party. Like, you can just tell them, I'll see you another time. And there's nuance to everything. Of course, if. If you can't go because of course you can't find childcare, you don't have the money for it. Yes, you do have crippling social anxiety. That's totally different to me. But, like, friendship is inconvenient sometimes and we don't want to do stuff. I don't want to leave the house, buy outfits, buy gifts, do all these things. But, like, I do want people to do those things for me. I want people to show me that the things that I prioritize are important to me. I want people to come to our live shows. I want people to act like it's a big deal. There's reciprocity there.

[B]

I have to do that for other.

[A]

People if I want those things. And I could never expect those things for myself if I didn't do those for other people. And I really have a problem with people being like, just skip it. You don't have to go. I mean, you could skip anything. I guess. You don't have to go to anything. But, like, then don't complain that people don't do things for you. That's fine.

[B]

Yeah, I think a birthday is the perfect example. And if you're a person who. You have a birthday party and someone bails at the last minute who you thought was coming because they're tired, not because they're sick, not because there's an emergency, just because they basically don't want to come and you're not bothered by that, that's fine. I'm thinking of a Friend, we have that. I really think she's just like that. And I don't even consider her to be flaky. I think she shows up for me. But she's just the kind of person that's like, I get it, it's fine. And she wouldn't expect. I don't know, she's kind of is the friend she wants. And so if you're that type of person, that is different. But I treat my friends the way I want to be treated, and so I think that's the perfect example. And when we talk about mental health, of course we all want to put our mental health first. You can't be a good friend or a partner or whatever if you're not taking care of yourself first. But there's a difference between a disorder and, you know, if I go to this thing, I'm going to have a panic attack and feeling mildly uncomfortable or anxious. I think feeling uncomfortable is a part of the human experience. Experience. We all have anxiety. Of course, there's a spectrum, some more than others. But when people say mental health as their excuse or as their reason, you know, what actually is it? Is it just because you might not love everybody at the party, you might feel a little anxious or uncomfortable? Or is like, I really, truly, this will be harmful to me. And so I just think that's. The birthday party is the perfect example. And the wedding, I mean, I did see a post that said basically, you don't have to go to people's weddings anymore. And it was like, if they're your best friend, your sibling, like I said, you know, but basically, like, you just, you don't have to go. And the comments really pushed back against it. And we're like, you don't have to go. But this is part of building community. And this is sad. And this is getting away from having friends and community and this is isolating us further. And no, you don't have to go to every wedding. I'm fully in support of that sentiment, I think. Is it someone you would invite to your wedding and would want to be there? That's what I would ask myself. I fully support not being able to make it to every single thing you're invited to. But again, it's just this. You don't owe anyone anything. Yeah, you do.

[A]

Yes, you do.

[B]

I mean, I guess you, you don't. You know what I'm saying? But if you want it in return. And there's been a lot of this discussion about friendship and showing up for people, being inconvenient, sure, Sometimes. But I don't think of it like that. I don't think of it as, like.

[A]

Friendship is an uphill battle and it's gonna.

[B]

I don't think of it like that. I think these are things I want to do.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sometimes I don't really have the time. I'm busy. I don't want to fight traffic. You're tired. But overall, the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you might run into along the way.

[A]

I tell myself that all the time. Like, even if you are so tired at the end of this day, you're in a bad mood, it's raining, you don't feel. Putting on an outfit. You are bloated. I always tell myself, like, the benefits of how happy you're gonna feel after you at the end of the night when you're like, I got to have that experience will outweigh any annoyance I feel now. And yes, all those things are annoying at the end of your day. Like, I gotta go to this dinner. I gotta get dressed. I gotta look cute. I gotta socialize. Like, a lot of those things can be annoying, but, like, it's such a net positive. The core of friendships is sharing those milestones with people and being able to spend years saying, remember when. Remember that birthday? Remember that event that we went to together, that trip we took together? And, like, I wanna have those memories with people. I want, like, to be like, this is the sixth time we've done XYZ together. Like, the people that have shown up for me every single time, the people that have made it a priority to come to our live shows every single year. I mean, I could cry. It means so much to me that, like, all of our friends, even this year, like, and last year, we just forgot to tell people, our friends in New York to come. They were messaging me, like, what's the plan for a holiday show? Like, what? Who's meeting up before? What are we doing after? Like, the fact that our friends have come to, like, eight holiday shows in a row. They have seen the Girls Gotta Eat shows. They've been a part of it. They want to do it every year. Like, I'll never forget it, and I'll show up for them forever because of it.

[B]

Totally. And the community we have built and the way our friends have become friends and the way that your friends have become my friends and vice versa. And watching Shashank become friends with our guy friends and have his own separate relationships. And even you. And our friends with my family and just the community that we've built around us is the most important thing in my life. And I know that everybody doesn't need that. And I think of the birthday dinner example and someone's like, okay, I hate a group setting. And I would never do it myself. I would never have. I don't like having a birthday. I don't like attention. I don't like groups, I don't like crowds. And it's like, I understand that specific type of person who is very introverted, which I fully respect, being like, I'm gonna celebrate my friend's birthday over coffee or over lunch and take them out solo. Because that's what I prefer to do as well. But our whole point is, like, if you look at the big community and all the friends and all the things and people are showing up for each other, and if you, you know, have a grasp on the kind of community that we built and all the people that come to the shows and come to the Randapalooza and the wedding and all that stuff, and you're like, I want that. It's like, know you. You have to be that person.

[A]

I mean, you and I inconvenience ourselves all the time. I mean, you and I have had years where we've done 40, 50 live shows and I'm exhausted. I don't wanna go anywhere else. I don't wanna get back in town. I don't wanna work five days, get on the road, do three shows, come back and have to do something. But you and I have just made it our mission in life to show up for people. And I see the rewards of that. Cause I wasn't always like this. I don't know that I cared that much. In high school or even college, I didn't have that many girlfriends. I had friends. I've always had friends. I've always been, like, popular. But I wasn't like, friendship over everything. And in my 20s, I also was always in a relationship. I like, lived with two men back to back. And when my ex fiance and I broke up, I didn't like, have that big of a community. And I had to like, at almost 30, be like, it's time to like, build one. I just, it's like, never too late to do this. Like, I didn't like, care that I'm not like, browbeating other people for not doing this because I didn't do it. I had a partner at home and that was my priority. I went to work. I maybe got happier drinks with some people after work. I didn't care that much.

[B]

It's Never too late. And I like that you bring up a partner too. Because we compare romantic relationships to friendships and like, why are we so willing to be inconvenienced and sacrifice and do all the things for the romantic relationship, but not the friendships, when arguably they're. Cause you're getting return. But yeah, and the way you were describing, like being on the road or working really hard, whatever you have going on, and then having to do something on top of it, and like, it's exciting, exhausting. It's like, I think a lot of things that are fulfilling are exhausting, mentally draining. I don't know. I mean, if you're going to go to that birthday dinner and it's going to make you feel bad again, like, that might just not be for you. But being tired, being exhausted, being drained, I live for that shit. I want to get tired. I feel fulfilled. So it's like, oh, I got to go to this thing. I'm so exhausted. For me, that's a refrain. Because I like to be tired. I like to have done stuff.

[A]

You love to socialize. You could socialize every day. I am somebody that I can stay home for three days in a row. I like my own company. I don't need to see a soul. I will talk to people all day, for sure. But like, I do like to be alone and I do need to like, recharge and regenerate. And you and I were like in New York for two weeks, and then your parents house and I was around for so many people. And the day after we got back, Brittany was having that going away party, like she's moving out of la and I didn't want to leave the house.

[B]

Oh, man, that was.

[A]

There was nothing I wanted to do less.

[B]

I was like, brittany, why would you do us like this?

[A]

December 29th, there is nothing I wanted to do less. But I was like, if it was me and I was leaving, I just had to ask myself, if it was me, would I want people to show up for me? So I had to put pants on and leave the house to go do something. It's important when people run the tape on their friendship with me that they feel that I've, like, shown up for them. And I don't know that I really cared that much. In my 20s. It's become really important to me, like later in life for people to be like, raina shows up.

[B]

Yeah, I know. That's really what it's about. And I put together a matrix to determine if you have to go. Okay, so this is the Friendship closeness, event importance matrix.

[A]

I like that you drew it. And I want to. I want to feed. Post your drawing.

[B]

Well, this is. Remember the crazy hot matrix? Do I remember any matrix, really? So it's a matrix of the importance of the event and then the closeness of the relationship and where someone falls, like what quadrant they're in. So you have your friendship closeness along the top, and then you have your event importance going up the side. So in your quadrant two, close friend, important event, you have to go.

[A]

You have to go.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

You better be at a hospital if.

[B]

You'Re not in my thing. Right. And then we have in quadrant three, less close friend, less important event. You don't have to go. What is this? A shower for a third tier friend.

[A]

Well, don't invite me to your shower. Even if we are close friends, I.

[B]

Don'T want to come.

[A]

Okay, so then if it's a shower, it's in the it's not important to me quadrant. I'll send a gift.

[B]

Okay, quadrant one is your less close friend and your important event. And this is your call. Is the friendship important? Do you want them to come to the event? Reciprocally, if it was you. Okay, that's up to you. Yeah, you know, and then your quadrant four, your close friend, less important event. And that's the same thing. It's like, is it important to them? You know, I think that we have a friend who is getting married and we are going to her bachelorette and her wedding. Of course, she's not our best friend. She's a close friend. Obviously, if we're invited to the bachelorette, we're like in her close circle of friends. And she was asking me just recently, from my experience getting married, like, inviting people to the shower. And I was like, I would never do a shower. It couldn't be me, but I might.

[A]

Have gone to your shower.

[B]

I wouldn't have done that. No shade. But I was like, I think it's so easy to send people invites and they know that, you know, they might not make it, and that's okay. So that's like close friend, less important event. That's where that falls. I like your matrix.

[A]

I like that you started with number two. Also. You did not start with one like typically most people would do.

[B]

I started the most important. Someone's in that top corner. And you don't go. You're a bad friend.

[A]

It's just like we all have those friends that just cancel a lot last minute and, you know, it just slowly erodes the friendship for me. I mean, if you're okay with that, there are plenty of people that are like, I don't need that many friends and I don't want that many plans and don't include, great, then that's what we will be. But like the friends that just kind of like bail all the time, like the people that just live to listen, I live to cancel plans. I love it, but I don't want people to do it to me. So, like the people that just cancel all the time, they're flaky and they don't show up for me and they say, yes, but I know that they're probably not gonna come. Like. Like, I'm just not really friends with those people anymore. They can be included in plans I make with other people, but we're not close friends.

[B]

You can't count on them. Yeah, and I would die if someone said they couldn't count on me. You know, I'm wondering if some of those flakier people know that they are a person that behind their back people are saying, you can't count on them. I would hate it. It would. It would crush me if someone's like, ah, she doesn't show up. You can't count on her.

[A]

You're the number one shower upper. You don't let me cancel anything. You'll be like, right now, we committed to this. We have to go to this. Like, you have forced me to be a better person against my will.

[B]

And here's the thing. I think that we all get passes in life and we're human and things happen. And so again, it's just one of those things of. Is it a habit? You know, are you someone that people think about like that that you're gonna bail?

[A]

I don't wanna spend the whole episode being like, well, Ashley and I do this and Ashley. But people are always like, how do you guys have so many friends? This is why people know that they can count on us. We show up. Like, we're gonna prioritize things. We're not gonna be bail on stuff. Like, if you really want the answer to that. And yes, I understand. I don't have a partner or children, so it is easier for me to show up than your average. I also have money and I can.

[B]

Afford to do stuff.

[A]

So yes, all of those things I'm fully aware of. But if you're like, how do you guys have so many friends? That's why. Because you can count on us to show up. We'll do the right thing.

[B]

Yeah, and money is part of this too. I don't think your good friends want you to go in debt on their behalf. I mean, I have. In my 20s, I was so broke. All of my college girlfriends got married in our 20s. I did not miss a bachelorette or a wedding. I was overdrafting. I was putting stuff on credit cards I couldn't afford. And I am not giving financial advice based on that. I was not the picture of financial success. Just. I did that in. Not just for my friends, for myself, too.

[A]

I.

[B]

You know, I lived outside my means, and I was irresponsible. And, of course, I just don't regret any of that. Like, it was worth it to me. And that's not everyone's story. I figured it out somehow. I made it up somehow. And I think that's the thing when it comes to money. Like, can you afford it? You might just have to tighten your belt somewhere else or work a couple extra hours or something. Can you act? Can you afford it with a little bit of sacrifice, or can you really not afford it? A wedding, something really important to a close friend. Can you make it work? I think most people want to try to make it work. And if you can't, you. You can't. And people understand stand. That's tough. Yeah.

[A]

If you don't have the money to do stuff, I think that you should feel very comfortable. And I know that those. Those conversations are really uncomfortable. Saying to somebody, I can't afford to do this is. It's a really hard thing to say out loud. And I think that, like, we, as a society, at least in my experience, like, have gotten better at having those conversations and accepting that is the answer. Like, a friend of ours, she's having Bachelorette Miami. When I said to her, I don't know if I can come. I don't think I can, like, make the time. She was like, no worries. It's totally cool. I don't expect everybody to spend this type of money. Like, I am gonna go now because I have my show that weekend. I actually planned the Miami show around it. But it's a net positive. All these tiktoks and all this conversation about boundaries. And I think it's a net positive because we are able to have those conversations more easily than I would have been able to in my 20s. I could see these conversations really spiraling out of control. I would have had so much anxiety having those conversations and saying to somebody, I don't think I could make it. And you think, like, I'm gonna let this person down. What are they gonna say? They're gonna get mad at me. Like, I do think just overall we've gotten better at having these conversations. Do you? I just. I don't have the tools.

[B]

There's been some overcorrection, for sure. And that's kind of what we're seeing, is people are protecting their peace too much. They're protecting their peace into isolation. They're drawing boundaries, and they're not seeing their community. And so, of course, there's been that. But, yeah, I think people have the language, and I just think in general, we, I think, have become more empathetic. I think that we've all been through a lot, you know, especially I think people that share the same value system. I think 2020 was such a game changer. I feel like 2020 made me a lot more empathic. I just think in general, like, we were talking with Laura and Christina recently. All the cool girls get fired. Like, employers are more empathetic. Like, I just think in general, people are more understanding. Yeah. About everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Especially the younger generation. It is all about protecting your peace and mental health. So I think the conversations are easier to have. And it's just a matter of, like, picking and choosing what you can do. And again, in. In my 20s, I mean, doing a destination bachelorette, then the wed. I mean, it just. It becomes too much. And especially you're going to be a bridesmaid. You got to buy the dress. I mean, you can say, no, I can't afford this. Yeah.

[A]

And we encourage people to do that. And if you're getting married, you should understand that you're not the first person who's ever gotten married. People don't owe you all this money. And I do think there's a lot of talk about, like, are we over boundaried? Are we over therapized? Is everything designed to protect our peace? And I think that, you know, the pendulum really swung a little too far. And I think that there's nuance there. You know, my least favorite social engagements in the world, it always has been, is like a room full of people that all knows each other and I don't know anybody. And you and I, what we do for work at this point, everybody wants to talk to us about what we do for work. And so I'm less than less scared of those things than I used to be. But, like, I walk into room solo and everybody knows each other, and I don't have a romantic partner to walk in that room with. Like, I hate those social situations so deeply, and I think it's okay to Go and stay for 20 minutes these days.

[B]

I used to love it. I really don't want to stand at a bar. I just. I just. I'm like, what am I doing here? It feels so foreign to me when it's like, all I used to do every weekend, like, I want to go sit at a bar. I want to go watch an Eagles game and have a seat and have my chicken tenders. I don't want to sit, stand. Like, I'll do it every once in a while, but someone having a party or a celebration of some sort at a. Just a bar, and there's gonna be dozens of people there, and it's not my best friend, I might skip it. Like, that's the kind of thing that it's just like, this is a little more casual. Depends on what it's for. I mean, again, that's where the matrix comes into play. Like, anything you do, I'm there. You and maybe, I don't know, four other people. I'm. I'm gonna be there. No matter what it is. No matter if it's my least favorite social setting, I'm gonna be there.

[A]

I guess it's contradictory, but, like, you don't have to do everything full force all the time. Like, that wedding I went to the weekend before I met you. My friend Courtney's wedding in Boston. She invited me. I did not get invited with the plus one. Everybody knew each other. I did not know one person. I was, like, paralyzed with anxiety. I was just like, I don't even know who I'm gonna sit with. I went for, like, 45 minutes. I watched her get married. I said hi. I danced to, like, a dance. I laughed. I mean, I was really uncomfortable, but it was, like, really important to me to show up. Like, I didn't need to stay there all night and feel like that, you know, like, that's the boundary I drew. And she will look back and know that I went to her wedding, and that is important to her. But, like, I didn't need to stick around all night.

[B]

Yeah. And again, that's where the importance of the occasion comes in. Because I'm like, you know, birthdays. A birthday at a bar. People have birthdays every year. You launched a company. It's your launch party. Like, baby mama, when Whitney didn't go to Macy's launch.

[A]

Okay, okay, now you're into Mormon watch.

[B]

Okay, stay with me here. Stay with me here. I'm in my Mormon wives era, and this has been sticking with me, that if you. If you watch, obviously, Macy, that's a huge thing. You launch a company, you have some big promotion. Like, these things are more important than birthdays. I think, obviously, they're an achievement. And you notice who's not there. And they were discussing this. Macy and Whitney were discussing this. And I can't remember the exact quote, but Macy, who is my queen, and I'm just the number one person on the show. Whatever. I'll do my power ranking.

[A]

She wants to come on our show. She. We get pitched.

[B]

Macy, Macy, Macy. Neely herself. So she says to Whitney, because Whitney's like, I didn't come. I was, you know, just felt uncomfortable. And she goes, after my son's father died, I was a bridesmaid in two weddings, like, in within the year. I can't remember the time span, but, like, I was just like, mic drop. In the darkest time of her life, she showed up to be in people's weddings. And she didn't say that to throw it back in her face, but it was just to illustrate. Like, sometimes you have to push through these feelings to show up for people. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you and I believe in protecting your peace, but, like, you do have to show up for people again. If you want a village, if you don't give a fuck, if you're fine to be out of mom talk, that's fine too. I mean, when my fiance left me, the avalanche of weddings I had to go to that year was unbelievable. It waterboarded with. With other people's happiness. But I'm gonna look back and not have gone to those weddings. I knew that I would regret that because I knew I would get over feeling so sad that he left me. Look at me now, right? And I would feel sad, looking back, that I'd missed those milestones in people's lives. And my God, was it fucking terrible. And I did stay long. Yeah.

[B]

Like, Charlotte didn't want to go to Miranda's baby shower. She put on a lip and she. Elizabeth Taylor the shit out of her. Look, and she hit the streets and she made it.

[A]

I just. I will remember people that showed up for me for the rest of my life. And, like, I think a lot about Randapalooza this summer. And I had it in the Hamptons. And the Hamptons are pretty tough to get to. Even if you're in Manhattan, they're tough to get to. You gotta take a train. But if you come from the west coast, you have to fly to jfk, you have to rent a car. It's not so easy to get to. And, like, I'll Remember for the rest of my life the people that showed up and Brittany specifically. I think about her all the time, and she's our friend who is sober and doesn't know a lot of our friends and was coming from la and she flew across the country and spent a whole weekend in a house of 20 drunk people, even though she's sober and didn't. She's not the most social person, admittedly. I mean, I said to her to begin with, I don't expect you to come to this, like, but she made friends. And, like, I. I will remember this for the rest of my life that she put herself in a really uncomfortable position. We had a great weekend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I wasn't torturing her. We weren't camping.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, I remember forever that she was like, I will put you ahead of what I want, because I'm sure she did not want to do that.

[B]

But she had. She made. She had a great time. She made friends. Yeah. Like, I. I mean, I know that there are some people out there that were like, I cannot be in that Raina Palooza situation. It's my nightmare. It will take a toll on me. I don't want to be.

[A]

So we see you, too. A few people say anything?

[B]

No, I just. I don't know. Then it's just. I guess you have a real mismatch in, like, personalities. And I think you would also understand if you had a really introverted friend. Maybe it was like, an older friend, somebody when you grandfathered in because of history, and you just don't really align on the way you want to spend your time. But I don't think. You certainly wouldn't cut someone out of your life because they're like, you know, I just can't be doing that type of situation.

[A]

I think that to your point previously, I think I have more empathy than I used to. People that were just. There were plenty of people that were like, I'd love to come. I don't really want to be bothered going to the Hamptons. And I was like, no problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I will not show up for your birthday.

[B]

But are we doing that this year?

[A]

Are we doing Ranapalooa?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it a.

[B]

Okay. It is annual.

[A]

Well, because Megan's birthday.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is June 2019. We're doing burning Meg and Raina Palooza.

[B]

Okay. So we are doing it.

[A]

We're doing it.

[B]

Okay. I've been meaning to ask. Oh, my God, you guys happening. I can't wait.

[A]

I'm gonna end my tour. We're gonna do that. And Then we're gonna go to. Then we're gonna go to France.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Summer. Locked and loaded.

[A]

But I just. I do look back. And again, friendship is not about, like, keeping score. I don't keep, like, a list of. I'm, like, ticking it off like, you didn't go to this, so I don't have to go for you. But it's just. I always say that, like, you know, for every relationship in your life, there's this giant whiteboard. We're just putting stuff up on it. And it's just noted if you bailed on. For close friends. You bailed on my birthday last minute. I mean, I host the New Year's party every single year. And, like, there are people that, like, asked me, can I bring two people, three people? And bailed on me in the last minute. And I've spent money, no shows. Yeah, it's noted.

[B]

Yeah, it's noted. Exactly. Again, people get passes in life. Shit happens. But. But when it's a pattern and I can't count on you, what are we doing here? You're a party friend. If any friend.

[A]

That's. I mean. Yes, you've been demoted to a party friend.

[B]

Yeah. And, you know, I feel for anyone who feels like they always show up for their friends and they don't get it in return. And sometimes the answer is you need new friends. Sometimes it is you need new friends to replace those friends. But sometimes it's just you need friends that are in your place in life, because if you are friends with a lot of people who are choosing to start families and you're not, you will feel the distance, and that is to be expected. And I certainly felt that with my college girlfriends, and I've cited them before where I just didn't feel like I had a lot in common with them when they were all having babies. And it's changed so drastically. I'm in more communication with them. We're able to take trips now that their kids are older. So sometimes it's just, of course, friendships ebb and flow, and they have seasons, and you have to recognize if your friends are just in a different stage of life. And that's why it's so important to have friends who one, value the same things as you do and two, are in the same stage of life. And it's not to replace those friends. It's just you need people in your stage of life. We did a whole episode on this early 2024.

[A]

I do feel for people that feel like I'm always the person that reaches Out. I'm always the person that makes the plan. I always have to like buy the tickets and say like, can we get together first? And you see with single girls a lot that they're just like, I have the time. So I am the person always reaches out and it's like disappointing and like, it does make you feel like, do people not want to include me and stuff? Do people like don't want to prioritize me? And to your point, like, it does just start to happen in your late 20s and early 30s, people start to have kids and I don't know, they get their partner at home and they have a built in buddy at the house and so they're not hanging out with you as much. And you do kind of have to find your community. And I know that sucks. It's easier said than done. When my fiance left me, I was like, oh, I don't be friends. Like I have to just start saying yes to everything and it's uncomfortable and I don't like it. I don't want to go to all this stuff. But like, I benefited long term from it. I got a listener DM the other day and this girl was saying like, I live in Indiana and I'm debating moving to Chicago because everybody around me is married with kids and I'm single and I just, I don't have like my people. And I would never tell somebody, like, leave your whole community and family behind, but I like the idea, like you and I, we benefit from living in cities like New York and la. That's never been my life experience that everybody around me is married with kids because we don't live in cities that are like that. But for other people that live in communities like that, that's probably the majority of people I know, majority of communities. So yeah, maybe move to a new city.

[B]

Yeah. And it just, I mean we've done a lot of episodes and created a lot of content on making friendships and how important it is that you never stop and it is never too late and you can make best friends for life when you're in your 50s or older. And so it's just something and I think that's important to remember. Okay, well, let's just take another quick break and then we will get back into it. I am telling you guys about Helix. Okay? If you have a New Year's goal or a goal any time of year to get better sleep and you do not have a Helix mattress, this is how you're going to do it. It is the most important thing I think Every year as I age I just realize how a good night's sleep is the most important thing truly, truly in my life. And I've had trouble sleeping in the past and I've been sleeping better than ever. Of course we've had Helix mattresses for years, but it's just so, so important. So you're going to get on their site, take a sleep quiz. It's going to match you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and your sleep needs. So if you sleep on your front or your back or your side, if you want a firm mattress or a softer mattress, I have the midnight luxe. It was awarded best mattress for sex by some study.

[A]

Okay, cool.

[B]

And then I have a moonlight Lux in my guest bedroom. Raina has a couple of. We have friends have a dust Lux. My brother and my sister in law have one of the plus size mattresses. They have plus size mattresses, mattresses for kids. Mattresses that can cool you down if you sleep hot. And they have a happy with Helix guarantee so you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. There are they have a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. Free shipping, seamless delivery, everything they do is just so wonderful. So we can't stress enough how important it is to have a Helix mattress to really improve your overall sleep. So check them out. You guys go to helixsleep.com GGE for 20 off site wide. That is helixleep.com GG for 20% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after your checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com GGE for 20 off and of course the pillows we're obsessed with too. Can't stress enough. Everything they do just top, top, top.

[A]

People lose their minds when they stay at my house. I know those pillows and that mattress. It's the best. I want less people at my house. Maybe I'll get a different mattress.

[B]

That's how to get people to not sleep over. Get something other than a Helix.

[A]

Ooh, you see Ray's mattresses.

[B]

All right.

[A]

And this show is sponsored by Liquid iv. This partner is perfect for this episode. So unforgettable memories are made when you are present and connected, not distracted and exhausted. So you can recharge with Liquid IV's energy multiplier. Sugar free hydrating energy. It's scientifically formulated to support physical energy, hydration, focus, mood and social stamina. I mean this holiday season we are all running around like crazy. We are eating stuff that's bad for our bodies. We're drinking too much, we're sleeping too little. And this has really been a savior. You put them in the gift bags for your wedding. I put them in the gift bags for Rand of Palooza. I mean, to wake up in the morning and just put a liquid IV in my water. I love the flavors. I like the lemon lime. What do you like?

[B]

Lemon, lime? Grapefruit. I love grapefruit everything. And guava are my top three favorites. New Year's Day, we woke up liquid Ivy immediately injected in my veins.

[A]

There's little pouches. You drip them open, you put them in 16 ounces of water. It'll hydrate you better than water alone. I just have the boxes inside my cabinet. I always just, like, grab a little stick. They're so easy. And powered by liquid IV hydro science, an optimized ratio of electrolytes, essential vitamins. It's clinically tested nutrients that turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration. The hydrating energy was zero sugar and zero crash from liquid iv. Three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drinks. And there's five essential vitamins and nutrients. I mean, it is just like a way to just jolt yourself back to feel energy, to go out and socialize, to be a part of a friendship village so you can show up with better hydration and energy from Liquid IV. Zero sugar and zero crash. Tear poor, live more. Go to LiquidIV.com and get 20% off your first order with code GGE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with Code GGEQUIDI.com. okay, so one of the things I was reading about, there's just been so many, like, think pieces about this recently was how people are so conflict averse and they're just willing. Instead of saying, like, this bothered me, this upset me, they're just willing to, like, let friendships go.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Rather than saying, like, I feel left out or I don't like the way you behaved in this situation.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I was talking to a friend of mine about how I've just gotten so much better at conflict. I've had some conflict with friends this year. I've had to have some, like, pretty hard discussions with people. And I am really proud of how I handle conflict because I was so conflict averse growing up. And it was terrifying to me to say anything. And I will say all the time, like, the thing that ruins friendships is not conflict. It's avoidance. And every time I've, like, faced conflict head on with a friend, I feel Like, I've gotten closer with them. I understand them on a deeper level. I know that I can get through it with them again. I'm not afraid to have conflict with them further. But a friend of ours I was talking to, she was like, I could. The conversations you're describing, I could never have them. And I was like, let's. This is a lifelong struggle for me. I didn't wake up at 40. I'm good at this. But she was like, I can't have these conversations. They scare me. And I said, well, tell me, what are you afraid of? What's the worst thing that could happen? And she was like, the people will leave me, so I'll tell them that I'm upset about something and they'll leave me, me. And I was like, is that really a friendship you want in your life? Right. Somebody that you really feel like. I'm gonna express to them calmly, this hurt my feelings, and they walk out the door. Like, I don't think we should apply that to everybody. Like, if you have a problem, this. And you can just fucking go. But I encourage people to have those type of conversations because most people, one will not leave, right? And if they do, if somebody really cannot sit and listen to you say, you did this thing, it hurt me then, like, that isn't really a long time friendship you can have, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's not a healthy relationship. On the other side of the coin, I've been loving Amanda White, who is therapy for women on Instagram. A lot of her content surrounding this. And we've had her on the show. We had her on 2022 or 2023, you guys will find it. And she posted this thing that had. She said, it didn't happen to her, it happened to someone else. And it was basically a scenario of a friend. Her grandmother had just died. She moved to a new city. She didn't have any connections. And she texted, texted, I was wondering if you want to hang out sometime. I could really use a friend. And the friend was basically like, don't guilt trip me. Don't trauma dump on me, you know, which is like, that's not a friend either. You know, someone that you reach out and you're like, I could. I could really use a friend right now. And someone's like, don't make me feel like this.

[A]

That is the worst case scenario I can ever imagine. And that person's not a person you want.

[B]

Exactly, exactly.

[A]

A person that is going to go on the defensive if you're like, I need people. And they just Attack you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And also, I promise you that is a pattern in their life.

[B]

And those.

[A]

That's the quality of relationships that I can't even, I can't comprehend attacking somebody, that's like, I really need somebody.

[B]

I can't either. I know. I can't either.

[A]

And listen, we all do have those friends that always have an emergency and they always need something right now. And you, you can recalibrate them too and say, I can't just drop everything all the time for you.

[B]

But that's true. Yeah. I mean there's a world in which it's like this person is always going through something. They always. Well, this is actually the scenario. Someone dying is different. But you know, I do think there is a world in which someone is constantly, every day it's like some catastrophe and they're needy and they need you. But I just didn't think that was going on in what she described. And I also liked this thing that she posted called the friendship recession and why we've forgotten how to connect and just kind of talking about everything that we've talked about. But it's like if you feel like you don't have the village and or you're not being a good villager to is okay. I think that we have been conditioned with a lot of these things and we've overcorrected on some of the boundaries and the self care and it's just never too late. It's never too late to be like, I'm done living that life and I want to start showing up for people and have people show up for me. I just think that like this is kind of the space that we're in. And again, this like staying at home alone and rotting has become glamorized. And that's okay. And I love it. I love to do it, I love it. But a lot of these things have contributed to this sense of isolation and lack of connection.

[A]

I think we just all have to find a balance between like how many boundaries we're gonna have, how much isolation we're gonna have. I love staying in the house, but if somebody's like, I need you. I had a long time situation with somebody who I was quite frankly probably in love with and he didn't wanna be with me and this went on for years. And the women in my life that showed up for me every single time, I said, I promise this is the last time. I promise I will cut him out of my life. I promise I will stop like self harming with this person. I get like emotional about it because, like, I believed those things when I said them to my friends. For years, I promised to myself it would be the last time. And my friends watched me self harm with this person and he's a wonderful person. She didn't want to date me, but I should have cut him out of my life. And the amount of times my friends just showed up to listen and fielded hysterically sobbing voice notes. I mean, for years. And I just, I look back, no one made me feel silly or foolish or stupid and they probably should have. And I have a laundry list of girlfriends that just didn't do that to me. And like, I will remember the people that showed up for me time and time again, even though I was being a dumb ass bitch and I could not get out of my own way, I'll remember it for the rest of my life. The women in my life that just, just showed up because they knew that I wanted to believe that this was the last time I would let this happen.

[B]

Yeah, they put themselves. We put ourselves in your shoes of just like, she doesn't want to feel like this either, you know, And I had a, I had a talk with you where I was like, I think this is, it's. If this doesn't change, it's starting to affect who you are as a person. You just are sad a lot and you just are in kind of a depressive state. Like, if you can't seem to turn around this time, I think you need to seek professional help. Like, and that was not. I'm sick of hearing about it. That was just like, I don't want you to keep going down this road. It's like affecting who you are.

[A]

Which I also think that's okay to say to somebody. I think it's like we talked with Nedra Tawab, who's gonna come on our show again, about saying to somebody like, I, I'm outside of my depth here. Like, I do think on the other side, Like, I didn't receive that poorly. I think that, like you were saying to me, I've genuinely had a hundred conversations with you about this. I don't have anything else to say about, about it. Like, you should seek professional help.

[B]

No, I just was like, you're not the same, Reina, is where I'm coming at it from. I'll still keep listening to this. You know, I don't have anything else to offer, but it's just not this. You know what I mean? But it's just like, I think, you know, I don't want to see you go down any further down this hole. But I think about that with a friend of mine who stuck by me through the most toxic relationship. Like, just. Just so immature, so toxic, so up and down. It was so volatile, and, ugh, I just, like, could. I'm sick over it. And she did that with me for two years. She wasn't the only one. And, like, just those friends who stuck by that shit because I was annoying as hell.

[A]

I mean, it is to watch your friend just keep reimmersing themselves in these terrible situations, and you're like, bitch, this is never gonna get better. This is so bad for you. And for me, it was hard to walk away because he wasn't wonderful person, a great friend to me. He wasn't a toxic person. I was in a toxic situation with him. But, like, the amount of times I would say to my friends, like, this is it. I'm done talking. I'm gonna block him. And then they'd be in the car with me, and his name would just pop up when he would call me. And, like, nobody made me feel terrible about it. And I appreciate that. And listen, again, like we said, you're allowed to draw a boundary with somebody and be like, yeah, I've been doing this for years with you, and you need to help yourself. You need to put your own oxygen mask off. I was gonna say gas mask, but.

[B]

But it's like, is it a pattern? You know, is this your friend that does this over and over and over, and it has been your entire friendship and has been since middle school, and it's been your whole life? Like, that's a little different than, like, everybody does get one. Everybody gets to be really psychotic and volatile and crazy and obsessive one time for three years. For two to three years.

[A]

Three years for me.

[B]

That's where I try. Drama founder.

[A]

Then what I did was write a comedy hour about it. So come to my shows and you guys can hear all about it.

[B]

Raina Greenberg.

[A]

Dot com.

[B]

Yeah, I'm glad we talked about the conflict too. And I do want to talk about digital friendships, Internet friendships versus in real life, friendships. And I don't know. This is an interesting conversation because I think it's like, you do need to be a good friend online, but that can't be the only way you communicate. Oh, well, it can be. You can have Internet friends for sure. I feel like I just have people that I'm just, like, DM friends with, but they're not. I'm invited to my wedding. Yeah, exactly. So I had screenshot something that When I was seeing a lot of this content that said unpopular opinion. I think it's weird behavior when you don't interact with anything your friends post on social media. It takes two seconds to show your friends support, especially when you see it. Watching everything and not engaging gives nosy and hater energy. I don't think that's an unpopular opinion at all. I think hype your friends. I saw another post that said if you were trying to become an influencer, like, like that is so cringe. Admittedly it's fucking cringe to try to be an influence. Like it's not an insult. Just. We know it is.

[A]

You gotta do stuff that's cringe.

[B]

Yeah. And you're the real friends are the ones who are like gonna hype you in those like cringe moments when you're trying to do a thing, you know, And I just think it's so like, like your friend stuff. Leave comments like, what? Why are, why are you not. I mean, again, when all the Mormon wives didn't engage with Taylor Frankie Paul after she hosts the CMAs, like, like she knew something was up. But anyway, I just think that's like an important thing. Like, you know that too. You know the friends that are watching your stuff but won't ever throw you a like or a comment or a hard emoji.

[A]

I'm just, I'm surprised by the behavior. Yeah, I'm not a big commenter all the time. I will say I just, I get insecure about like, am I being funny enough? And if I don't think something funny, but I could never scroll past something and not like it.

[B]

I am trying to be a better commenter. I'm. I just want to. I comment on all your stuff.

[A]

Yeah, because you're funny.

[B]

Because it comes naturally to you. I have like best friend, but like, I am trying to be better at like returning the love. Like also, this doesn't matter to everybody. It's just like. But it does matter to someone who is doing influencer type stuff. Like what we work in media. Like, I want the comments and the engagement.

[A]

Like, even if you're not influencer. I put this on the Internet so people would tell me that I'm beautiful and amazing and hilarious and like, I, even my friends at art aren't influencers. Like regular people. I still like to be like, you look beautiful.

[B]

You're totally right. Yeah, it does it. You put it out there. It matters to you. So yes, I take that back completely. We all want to be hyped and we all want to be engaged with. And we all want that. So why are you not doing it if. If you want it and you know you want it in return if you're posting. Yeah. So it's like, why aren't you, like, hyping your friends? I just. We need to hype our friends.

[A]

No. Like, I post that whole reel for New Year's and like, a couple of the people in that reel did not comment on it. And I'm like, I work worked really hard on this for us, and I'd.

[B]

Like you to comment on it. But I guess on the other side of that is mistaking the digital interaction for, like a real life interaction, which I don't think they're interchangeable. I don't think it's the same. So I think sometimes people forget to be in person, to make an effort to see somebody, because you do feel like you're constantly texting or voice noting or messaging with them. And they do keep us connected. Like, I'm so happy we have the technological advances we have, especially with having nephews. I feel like I see them all the time. We facetime all the time. I think I cannot see people for months and I don't feel like that. I feel like I've just saw them the other day because of these advances that we have. I think it's also important to remember that that still is not a substitute for human interaction. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, there's a couple people that respond to every one of my Instagram stories. And that's how we keep our friendship. That's our friendship, you know, but real people I gotta show up for.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, I mean, I guess so many people are like, well, I want a village, so how can I show up better for other people? I mean, you are constantly reminding me I can't cancel plans. So I. I don't even know what to.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I don't cancel plans. But I also have gotten better. Like our friend once said to me, I can't commit to this. I don't think I'm gonna wanna go. And I was like, you could do that? Like, that's crazy. Like, she set the expectation ahead of time instead of canceling. Like, I've gotten better at saying, like, I don't know if I'm gonna come or wanna come. So, like, make plans without me. Like, I just wanna set the expectation ahead of time whether I'm gonna come or not. But I don't wanna cancel.

[B]

Yeah. I think again, I don't wanna be contradictory here either. I think that know Thyself in terms of what you wanna do, what you're gonna wanna do on the day. Like we do think when you wanna meet people and you wanna get out there. We have said say yes to everything. Of course this doesn't mean you wanna stretch yourself too thin and then that's gonna be. Affect you mentally, emotionally, whatever. It's not that. But it's like at this point in my life, at this age, I do know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. And we're not talking about milestones and like, special events and weddings and birthdays. We're talking about just plans in general. So I do not want to bail. I don't want to have people count on me. I don't want them to include me in a reservation or pay for me in some way, get me a ticket if I'm going to bail. So I think that is just if it is committing to fewer plans but keeping them. It would be the secret there.

[A]

Yeah, I've gotten just better at being like, I don't know if I'm gonna want to go to this, but, like, I don't. I don't want people to think I flake on them and they can't depend on me. And like, I've had friends like that. And I'm just like, you're just. You're in a different bucket. Like, you're invited to the larger group plans, but I don't feel obligated to show up for you.

[B]

Next is use the matrix, the friendship closeness, relationship closeness, event importance matrix to decide. Because again, you, maybe you can go to everything, and that's great, and maybe you can. And so that's just a decision you need to make. And I just think it's always comes back to asking yourself, how would you feel?

[A]

And it's never too late to do any of this stuff. Like, I've had seasons in my life where I've just really gotten away from people. I've been really selfish. People haven't heard from me as much. Especially when you and I are on tour. It's like we do two episodes a week, we're on tour. I'm just not that available. And so I do forget things. And I think it's never too late in life to be like, hey, I know I've been a little, little distant. I'd like to change that. Like, it's okay to acknowledge that. I think people appreciate it.

[B]

They do. People appreciate honesty and vulnerability. So communicate. Honesty is at the top of every list of how to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. And of course you don't want to be this person that blows in and out, and it's just like, they're absent, then they come in and apologize, and it's this toxic cycle. But again, everybody gets a pass. You know, people get chances to redeem themselves, and you're allowed to be like, I know I was a bad friend, and I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. I had. This happened with a friend. I felt like I wasn't a good friend to him when he was going through something and we were moving and I had my own shit going on. And it wasn't that I just didn't check in with him at all, but I just wasn't really there in the way that I would typically be for a friend. And when I saw him in person, but months later, maybe even a year later, I brought it up and he was like, I did feel like you weren't there for me and I didn't need you, like, checking in on me every single day, but I was really going through it. And I consider you a close friend. And I did feel like you. You weren't really there for me. And I. It just broke my heart. And I was like, I'm vow going to be a better friend because it's. It wasn't someone that's like, one of my best, best friends, you know, like, we do put friends in different tiers and different boxes and their importance in our life and how we prioritize them. And so I just was like, this is someone that means a lot to me and I want to be better. And we're great. You are.

[A]

I think people understand that. Like, and again, like, what our friend said previously, where she was like, I think people are going to leave me if I bring up a conflict or something. And it's like, I think you guys worked through it because you're both rational people that can look at things in context. People that can't do that. I don't know, like, at the end of the road with those kind of people. Yeah.

[B]

And again, it's like, if he would have said, like, I just think you're a shitty, selfish person, I would have been like, okay, I don't think this friendship goes from here. That's not how we. I didn't think we were doing that at this age, you know, like, so there's that too. You know, it goes both ways. Yeah. When you treat people how you want to be treated, I just think, like.

[A]

To have A village. You obviously it must be a villager. Like deep connections require a lot of cultivation and it requires showing up for people and communicating how you feel and being there when someone needs you. And it's never too late, you can always get back there. But like deep connection, it requires commitment.

[B]

Yeah. And I have been reading about people who are hyper independent and they just don't want to let anyone do anything for them and they pride themselves on being super independent. This was an article we had pulled from betches that you had listed. And it's just like this isn't to become codependent or become more needy than feels natural, but it is like let people show up for you, let people help you. People genuinely want to. This stuff makes them feel good. I don't know, I just feel like high functioning successful women, for example, can have a tendency to be like, I don't, I got this. You know? And they, they don't want to inconvenience someone. But that's just kind of how friendship works is you show up for each other. You do stuff for each other. Yeah.

[A]

I mean I definitely like feel like I'm really independent. I can do everything for myself. There's also apps on apps on apps that like we don't have to talk to anybody. Everything can just come to us, be delivered for us, done for. But I emotionally never forget to lean on everybody all around me.

[B]

But the article mentioned that too is that we have become so independent, but also the apps have allowed us to as well. I mean in the olden days, like if you were recovering from something or you couldn't leave the house to go get food, like the village would bring the food over. You wouldn't just doordash it. So some of those things we have to like let our friends show up for us in that way.

[A]

I really like people show up for my. I just feel like I'm really lucky. You and I are surrounded by like really wonderful women. And I've had some seasons in my life where I've like really, really needed it and been going through it. I've been really sad and angry and those times pass and when I'm out of it and I don't need as much, those are the times that I prioritize checking in with other people more and being like, how are you? How are you feeling? Cuz sometimes you're just so in it, you can't check in with other people. And that's okay too. We all have seasons where we just have to be like really selfish.

[B]

Yeah. So those are some tips. And hopefully if you've gotten this far and you're like, how can I be better? You have picked up some of those things along the way. Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Okay. Well, here's to your village in 2026.

[A]

Yeah. Here's to making more friends and just going out more and leaning on people and having more meaningful experiences with other people in 2026.

[B]

Okay, well, you guys can find [e-mail] Girls Gotta Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash hess. Raina is raina.greenberg. your tour tickets@raina greenberg.com tour starts in two weeks.

[A]

Two weeks.

[B]

Two weeks. And subscribe on YouTube. Share this episode with a friend. Maybe who needs to be a better friend. No, just. Just slip him the link and we will see you guys Thursday.

[A]

Have a great week, guys.

[B]

Bye.