← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Disney, Data, and Don'ts | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 321
01:14:02
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- [00:01]
State Farm Announcer
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- [00:32]
Ulta Beauty Announcer
This episode is brought to you by Ulta Beauty. Holiday cheer is here and Ulta Beauty has gifts for everyone on your list. Treat them to fan favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from ysl, Ariana Grande and Carolina Herrera. And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful. Ulta Beauty gifting happens.
- [00:59]
Pat
Here, give me a thumbnail pose right off the top. So we're nice.
- [01:03]
Whitney Cummings
And that's the most apocalyptic. Can you leave that in? Can you leave that in? I just want everyone to know that. I don't know how to say it. Like, if you think that podcasters and influencers and whatever are soulless, you know, just gentle suggestions of what humanity used to look like, just know that if saying smash the like button, like, subscribe. Like, we're not even saying, like, I hope you like me. We're like, like, smash it, please. But there's also a moment before every podcast where you have to, like, do the thumbnail. You have to smile and, like, get a still. And every time I do it, like, a little bit of my soul, what is left of my soul does, like, eke out of my mind.
- [01:59]
Pat
It could be worse.
- [02:00]
Whitney Cummings
Could it?
- [02:01]
Pat
Yeah.
- [02:01]
Whitney Cummings
How so? You could have the, like, 5,000 piranhas. Like, I could be like, over a pool of piranhas.
- [02:06]
Pat
You're being attacked and you're like.
- [02:10]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, you mean you could be, like, trying to get me to, like, do. That's happened. Sometimes I'll go on podcasts and they'll be like, so just be surprised. And I'm like, I'm. I'm like, I can be shocked and disgusted at how you are trying to wrestle my dignity away from me because that's the only expression I'm capable of right now. Because also, this doesn't represent what happened. Sorry, I just missed the table. This should always be my pose. Like, no, we talked about the host depression for an hour and a half. There was no, you're not at an 11? No. No. I don't want anyone tuning in thinking they're going to see something entertaining. That's false advertising. Like, do you think because false advertising is a crime, right? That's what that whole Pepsi Points documentary and stuff was about. I mean, like, can we start getting influencers on their. Their jpeg, their title? What is it when you get a thumbnail like this thumbnail promised me entertainment and there was none. Anyway, I'm just rambling. I'm going on tour, guys. I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, at the comedy mothership, January 9th till 11th. I'm exc. I'm excited to go to, like, a club with no phones. When you go to the Comedy Mothership, you do not get to bring a phone with you and record. So get ready for what I'm gonna say. Also the Comedy Mothership, where I'm the only mother there. Eau Claire, Wisconsin, on March 6. People are excited about Eau Claire. Remember when I was like, where is that? And you were like, trust me, Eau.
- [03:35]
Pat
Claire, you're gonna love it.
- [03:37]
Whitney Cummings
Because I've done Green Bay. What is the other city that people love? That people love?
- [03:42]
Pat
Madison.
- [03:42]
Whitney Cummings
Madison. People love Madison. Okay, so I've never been to Eau Claire. Very excited. March 6th. I'll be at the Pablo center at the Confluence. What? If that's not a typo, then I. Good luck finding those tickets. Rochester, Minnesota, March 7th. Is that kind of near where you're from or. No?
- [03:56]
Pat
Yeah, it's about an hour and a half, maybe.
- [03:58]
Whitney Cummings
Pat is a real enigma, and his background is not something we can talk about without getting kicked out of the algo. I'll be at the Mayo Civic Center, Sacramento, California. I'll be there March 13th at Channel 24. I'll be on a channel at a channel. Is it. Is that water? I'll be in a river in some random channel. Santa Rosa, California. March 14. The Luther Burbank center for the Arts, because I'm a work of art. St. Louis, Missouri. I'll be at the factory on March 19th. Royal Oak Music Theater. I love Royal Oak Music Theater. It was the first show I had to cancel in the Pandemic. But I love Royal Oak. There used to be a club there called Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. That's the first time I ever toured with the comic who. You know, when I tell you the story about how I am, you can try to change over time and go to therapy and try to evolve and edify yourself and do workbook exercises and pray and do all the things. But sometimes something will happen that is so bone chilling in your cells, in your mitochondria, that you change just, like, in an instant. And one of the situations that changed me like that is when I first started doing standup. I was just trying to appeal to everybody. I'm just like, airplane food, right? Like Bibles, huh? You know, whatever. I was trying to cover all the bases, and I had no idea who I was. And I saw the comic that I was opening for whose whole act was about being married and, you know, his wife and this and that. And right before he went on stage, he took a wedding ring out of his pocket because he was actually divorced. And I watched him just put it on, go on stage, pretend he was married. And I was like, I'm just gonna be myself. And if no one likes it, that's fine. So that's why you've all heard every detail about my failed relationships and broken engagements, because I refuse to lie. I'll be at the Royal Oak Music Theater, though that was at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, which hilariously, you know, doing theaters is obviously amazing. It's my dream. But thank you guys for buying tickets so I can do this. But Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle had a door on stage that opened outward so you would go on stage. And the hardest part of standup, honestly, I can say after doing this for almost 20 years, is exiting the stage for what? It's just the weirdest, most awkward. It's the last thing everyone sees. And you want to really leave on a high note when there's momentum and everyone's excited and you've sort of convinced them that you're, you know, they've been in this hypnosis and. And you've convinced them that you are someone that lives in the moment somehow. And you've had them live in the moment and enjoy this kind of, you know, half projection, half reality of, like, that this person has, you know. Cause we have delusional confidence. This person is confident, you know, I don't have to take care of their feelings and I don't have to worry about them falling. It's the opposite of watching ice skating where you're like, please don't fall. Please don't. You know, you're like. And then a comic would always lock the door, you know, would always lock. You have to just lock the door. I mean, they lock it from the. You know, so you'd be like, thank you. Good night. And then you're like, da, da. You've got, like, your Notes and your terrain. You have to stand there, like, you.
- [07:08]
Pat
Have to knock your way.
- [07:09]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah. No one respects me. Even the comic I pay to open for. Yeah, no, I'm just going to. Can I come in? Like, it's like. Because also you realize that when we work at clubs, like, that's our. We're the boss for that night. That's our company that night. Everyone kind of, you know, there's, you know, obviously the waitresses don't work for it, but it's like you're. It's your club that night. You know, imagine if in any other business the boss walked into an office and then someone locked the door so that they couldn't get to their next meeting. I mean, it's just like. You wonder why comedians are hanging by a thread. Omaha, Nebraska. I'll be at the Astro Theater, March 27th. Des Moines, Iowa, March 28th. I've been here before. The Hoyt Sherman Place. Hoyt Sherman Place. Cool prank. Philadelphia rescheduling. Go Birds. April 3rd. Go Birds. Miller Theater. We'll get them next year. It's. You know, I gotta say, that Eagles game was. It was hard to watch. I was there. I'm starting to think on why they're losing every game I go to. No, it's just I'm fascinated by what happens when people are on top, you know, and when winners are winning and then they just self sabotage or. We've seen it, you know, with people all over the place, but to see it with teams is like especially hard, you know, because, you know, it's like the devil comes for you when things are going well kind of thing. So you're like, oh, the Eagles are so good. Like, what's gonna be? And the chemistry is just gone. It's like what happened with the Chiefs last year when you just saw Mahomes and Travis Kelce be like, can you guys pretend you get along because of all the millions of dollars that you make? You can't. Like. And this is, by the way, when I was at the last Eagles game against the Chargers. They lost to the Chargers, which is. It's always the case, Pat, play basketball that when you're a really good team and you play a mediocre team, you always play worse. So that's always the problem is that when you're a good team and you play like a. They're playing with heart, this is the game of their life, and they play better and then you actually start playing worse, you know, so that's like the cruel irony of playing a team that's like, kind of worse than you. So they all started, like, hating Jalen Hurts kind of out of nowhere. I have a little bit of gossip of what I think happened, but I can't, like, confirm it, and I don't want to, like, put that out there. But the point is, men are women. Like, what are you doing? You're mad at the quarterback. You guys are mad at him, and it's affecting your life in any capacity. Can you imagine, Karen? Can you imagine? Have you seen gymnasts? The girls, they don't you think they get along? They high five each other. They carry each other off the mat when their ankle falls off. They have the. It's just like this whole thing, like, women are so emotional. It's like I watched a football team lose that won the super bowl last year to the Chargers because they were mad at Jell. They were mad Jalen Hart. Imagine making that much money and having that much on the line and have destroyed every brain cell in your head in order to play this sport and win this trophy. And you can't get over your own ego of being mad at the quarterback and then just psychologically falling apart. It's like, also, you know. You know when you see like. Like, it's like a. It'll be like on Twitter or something, it'll be like, here's a picture of the Eagles or some NFL team, like, being talked to by Tom Brady. You know, you'll see him in, like, a classroom kind of setting. Or it'll be like, oh, they're getting a Tony Robbins. Is there what you guys need pep talk. You need. And they never care. They're always like, I think we got it. Why do you even need help figuring out how to, like, the other millionaire that's at your job? Why do we need these team building exercises? You're a team. You're actually a team. See, corporate companies, they need team building exercises because they're not a team. They're separate people in different cubicles that are all competing for the same job. They hate each other. You guys all have different jobs, different positions. None of you are competing for the same job. You started competing with the people on your team. You guys need help being a team, but you're a team. Does anyone want to win anymore? I just. I don't know. I don't know, man. I'm just saying. I was like. I'm like. They're like, how. They're kind of emotional. No one's getting along. I'm like, who? The cheerleaders? Oh, the cheerleaders aren't getting along. What are they fighting over? Who gets to stand where and twerk for the rich guy? Who, like, oh, no, no, the team. Huh? You don't get to wear spandex and then be mad at another man. Okay. You don't, do you? Did you see that? He couldn't find his helmet. Hertz couldn't find his helmet.
- [12:19]
Pat
Is he being pranked?
- [12:21]
Whitney Cummings
You tell me. Do you think the quarterback would forget where he put his helmet? I'm just saying, that is another level when Philly fans are mad at you. Like, Eagles play. Like, they're mad at, like, the players, and they were like, they have, like, a parade for Michael Vick. He was fighting live animals, and they were like, that's our guy. And now it's just, like, everyone's pouting. Like, I don't. I don't. I can't. Anyway, I'll be at the Center Stage Theater in Atlanta after Philly, but I'll be coming to Philly, and it's gonna be. It's gonna be tough. That's in April. Jacksonville, Florida. April 11th. I'll be at the Terry Theater, San Antonio, Texas. May 7th. I love San Antonio. Did you see the woman that fell into the San Antonio river trying to. Cell phone. And the Darwin Award goes to. I'll be at the Charlene McCombs Empire Theater. I love these theaters that have, like, women's names, and it's like, obviously some widow of some rich guy, and you find out, like, oh, they bought a theater to, like.
- [13:24]
Pat
She loved the theater.
- [13:25]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but it's like. Like what? She had, like, a booth up at the theater, you know, I mean, she definitely, like, killed her husband, but it's like, the point is, it's fine. Oklahoma city. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. May 8th. I'll be at the Tower Theater, Fayetteville, Arkansas. I'm sorry I had to schedule last show. May 9th. Walton Arts Center. That's the Walmart people. Guys, I shoplifted from Walmart when I was probably 10 or 11. More like some Bonnie Bell lip balm. Some Wet N Wild. I did DM Wet N Wild, and I told them I did that, and they sent me some product. So stealing pays off. Guys never give up. Miami, Florida, November 19th to 23rd. Oh, I'm like, huh? I'm going to Cozumel with Burt Kreischer's Fully Loaded Cruise. I don't recall agreeing to that. I thought we were just hanging out. I thought this was a good invite to go on vacation.
- [14:23]
Pat
I've been accused of planning to go on Bert Kreischer's Cozumel cruise.
- [14:28]
Whitney Cummings
Okay. I've heard a rumor that I will be on a boat, and you know that I don't do boats. And this is I. Who do I call? Child Services. My inner child is scared. No. I literally love Bert Kreischer. I have no. You know what's weird? I. The reason I feel the need to say that is because right now, there's so many comedy feuds. Have you seen this? You find this odd? As a not comedian, I find it odd.
- [14:56]
Pat
I was fortunate enough to meet a lot of your friends over the last few years, and it's very interesting to see people pool into groups here and there and then talk about other groups depending on where they are. And it's odd.
- [15:10]
Whitney Cummings
It's also funny because, like, you just made me realize that some people will talk about other groups implying that they're not in that. I'm like, you don't even know what group you're in. You know, you're talking about your own group, frankly. Or you're talking about this group thinking you're in this other group. They don't want you either. Like, it's kind of wild to sort of watch. I mean, TikTok. Right now, my entire TikTok is comics trashing other comics, like, by name. We used to, like, once a year do a roast, and it was, like, 10 of us, and we would make fun of each other, like, for money as a joke. Now, comics are seriously, without being funny, just mad at other comedians. I mean, these people see each other. I watch them see each other in the hallway every. I mean, this is. Every time I go to the Comedy Store now, I'm like, ugh, how's this gonna go? What was that sound? No, that was not my birth video. That was me opening a can of Olipop. Look, if you grew up obsessed with soda the way that I did, this is your moment of redemption. I love that classic fizzy soda taste. I just don't love the sugar crash, you know, or the My gut hates me now Aftermath. Olipop is a new kind of soda that tastes like the stuff that you grew up with, but it's actually built to support your digestive health. Each can only has 2 to 5 grams of sugar and up to 9 grams of fiber. Fiber guys. Which, by the way, a psychic once told me was like a broom that brushes through your gut, I think. And it ruined. It ruined my subconscious. I think about it all the time. Like a sweep. Yeah, like a Sweep of all. I'm like, what's in there? What of what? Thanks to a functional ingredient blend that supports your gut. And for the holidays, Olipop is going full festive. They're lovable yetis. Is that what this is?
- [17:02]
Pat
I like it.
- [17:03]
Whitney Cummings
But is this called a yeti? Oh, that's a yeti. That's so cute. I thought that was like a polar bear. Oh, that's so cute. This is the apple crisp one. We had it at my Thanksgiving dinner. Everybody had one. We don't drink water in my home. We actually, you know that I drink this like water. The grape one is like my obsession. Actually. We have vintage cola, ginger ale, and fan favorite crisp apple. By the way, that is so delicious. It's crazy. And look, they're popping out. Look. Pop, pop, pop. Those bubbles are just a plus. Bubbles? All three. There's nothing worse than a flat soda. There's nothing better than a fizzy soda. But these sodas out there these days, you know how they long they've been on a truck? 2 to 5 grams of sugar per can. I said that already, but that's not cause of me. I'm enjoying this soda so much that I'm just actually reading this copy. I'm trying to not piss these people off because I really do like olive pops. So here's the thing. Just buy these, you know them. Bring the yeti home with you. It's in the refrigerated section. Four pack from the soda aisle or a 15 pack from Costco. For the ultimate holiday celebration, buy two cans of Olipop in the store. We'll pay you back for one. Okay. Works for any flavor. Any retailer, including the limited edition cans. Go to drinkollipop.com Whitney again. Drinkolipop.com Whitney grab your can of free Olipop. Make and make soda season a little bit smarter. You can have that one. Olipop. Just kidding. They wrote that. That's not what I would have said. Bluechew. So let's talk like adults here for a second. Bluechew is the upgrade button for your sex life. Chewable tablets that deliver stronger, harder, longer lasting reactions without the hoops. Does that mean a ring? No. Oh, like proverbial hoops. No waiting rooms, no pharmacy lines, just quick online visit. And once approved by a licensed medical provider, Bluechew sends chews straight to your door. It's made to work and your first month is free. So if that doesn't get you, I don't know what will. Bluetooth.com simple as that. Look if you've been thinking about it, now is the time to try bluetru. With your first month free, great sex is just a few clicks away. Sign up@bluechew.com, bluechew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. Best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and excuse me. See, this is why men need bluechew now, because women do things like that make life easier by getting harder. And discover your options at bluechew.com/ and we've got special deals here going for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free. When you use promo code Whitney. Just pay $5. That's it. Promo code Whitney. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and safety information. And we think that bluechew, we think it's great and we thank them too. Thank you Bluechew for sponsoring on December.
- [19:44]
Liberty Mutual Announcer
12Th, Disney invites you to go behind the scenes with Taylor Swift in an exclusive six episode docuseries.
- [19:51]
Whitney Cummings
I wanted to give something to the fans that they didn't expect. The only thing left is to close the book.
- [19:57]
Liberty Mutual Announcer
The end of an era. And don't miss Taylor Swift. The Eras Tour, the final show featuring for the first time the tortured poets department. Streaming December 12th only on Disney, this.
- [20:13]
Ulta Beauty Announcer
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- [20:43]
Whitney Cummings
During this podcast. This has happened before. Like there's that famous story of Bill Cosby calling Eddie Murphy and being like, you're too dirty. You know, which, you know, private phone call. Sure, sure, sure. As a woman, you know, Roly polyed off of a bed, her lifeless body hitting. You're too dark. I don't like that you curse. Here, have another.
- [21:06]
Pat
Keep it down.
- [21:06]
Whitney Cummings
Have a thud. Look. Comics publicly trashing other comics. I just find this super wild because comics, we're not the target consumer of our product. Like I feel like someone that makes shampoo has buys shampoo. You know what I mean? Comedians, we don't have to see, we don't go pay money. It might be the only Job where you doctors, surgeons have to get surgery, right? We're. I will pay you money if one comedian has paid to go watch another comedian, like, truly ever. I'm not kidding. I don't know. This is worth bringing up, because something happened where comics became the morality police to each other. It used to be us against those in power, right? And we didn't have to get along. We're not the Eagles. We're not an NFL team. We don't have to all be best friends in order to do our jobs. Okay? But it's like the idea was like, yeah, the idea is, why would we all get along? Our job is to look for. Is to be grumpy and complain and find flaw. And we don't want to get along because that would mean we're too similar. And we all want to be unique and, like, special and so different than everybody else, right? And we kind of know to be a little bit rough with each other because that's what respect kind of looks like. It's like, oh, you can take it. Like, we're the only people that can spar with each other without hurting anyone else. And it's like, we all know that our childhood was like, you know, it's like a warm hug to be like, hey, you know, to be rude to each other. Like, okay, you get me? We get. We see, whatever. The point is, there's this thing now where comics, instead of all of us as a unit sort of being against those in power now, it's like comics got the very power they used to criticize, and now they're just turning on each other. You know, it used to be all of us going like, these people think they're moral, but look what they're doing. And look what a charity really is. But now it's like this guy who think, look who he. It's just like, no, what are you doing? Podcasting the same thing. We treat podcasts like green room conversations. Now, look, I appreciate that we're on some say it to my face, but saying it on a podcast where the comic's not there is not say it to my face giving someone the opportunity to defend themself or say their side, right? Cause comedians, like, we're bad. Like, we're lawyers, right? We say something that's not true, and then we defend it and kind of make it true. But in this case, we're just comedians now are just being blasphemed. Just saying that, saying the things you used to just gossip about and say, who care? Everyone knows I Mean, one time, Marc Maron was watching me at the. And someone I know was behind him, and he was like, he was just trashing you the entire time you were on stage. I'm like, yeah, of course. I'm sure. I'm sure. Of course. Mark Maron does me the honor of. We get fights in person, face to face, right? That's the way you're supposed to argue about. For these comics to go on podcasts and start talking vaguely, though, about, well, these comics in Austin, that's even more petty because you're not naming a name Em. Name em. You're trying to just come for a general group of people. All the comics that did this festival, all the comics that live in this city, all the comics that talk about politics or that align with this political party, instead of naming a person, it's a little bit of both, right? So it's like, I don't know if I would. Cause the people that are naming a person is also really cheap because you're not doing it to their face. Like, when did comics just. It used to be like, let's go outside and talk about this. And you would see, like, two comics going at it in a parking lot like adults, you know? But now it's just like, everyone's, like, recording and posting things. We used to whisper as a society. We discovered that the things that we used to whisper, if we say them loud, we can make money and views. Whispering is for poor people. No one makes money whispering about their co workers anymore. When's the last time you heard someone whisper, by the way? Just real. Like, really, I'm not even joking. I'm obsessed with the things that slowly fade out in society that we don't really notice. But then one day, you're just like, what? Ha. Whoa. What happened to whispering like, what? Like, remember whispering? Remember shame? Remember kids? Remember you kids used to have casts all the time with bars. And there's just things. There's just things that you're like, whatever happened to that? Slap bracelets? Where did those go? You know, I'm just sneaker wedges. They just stop making them. That was my thing. They were a very big part of my life, and now I can only get them on ebay. They're so basic and so corny and so cringy, but cringe core is my brand, all right? And I am a girl, not yet a woman. And I one time I was with Andrew Schultzes. A while ago, I was in New York. This is like, during the pandemic, I think. And I Was wearing these like wedge sneakers. And he's like, can I see that? Can I see those shoes? Those are like, I want to. Can I? And I was like, okay. And we were like sitting on a couch or something, so I was like, sure, I'll take my shoes off. And he took them and just threw them out. I didn't know they were so loathed. But as like a female comic that was like our sort of like, I'm not in heels, I'm wearing sneakers. But like, still look cute. Like the wedge sneaker. But you can't find. They're nowhere. They just stopped making them. Okay, Pocket protectors went away. Cell phone holsters, remember cell phone just gone. Daddy energy gone. I like those. You didn't know you had to make phones smaller and smaller so they fit into pockets now guys can't look like cell phone cowboys. French tips are gone. They're you when, dude, French tips, which was like when your fingernail is pink and then like white at the end. That was it. That was it. And now they're just gone. You just never. You do see them sometimes. Every now and then, like when I fly too close to the sun in a rabbit hole about Bill Gates and there's like a pop up ad of like a neon green adult toy. It's always held by a woman's hand with French tips. See it every now and then. It's like kind of a Russian thing, I guess. Now socks. Nothing goes away in Russia. When something happens in Russia, they stick with it. They don't. They're not willy nilly with their hot fashions. People don't wear socks with shoes anymore. Remember when people would wear socks with shoes?
- [27:33]
Pat
That's a good way to ruin your.
- [27:34]
Whitney Cummings
Shoes and everyone's day. What are you talking about? There's now like the tiny sock. Like, this is a problem no one needed to solve. It's like if someone else's socks were bothering you and you were like, ooh. And they were like, we gotta make tinier socks. Like, this is who. Why was that bothering anyone? Like, you remember. Oh, gosh. When someone has those little. The little socks and you know they're in there by the way, I can see your ankle socks. They're not invisible. It's like the clear bra strap people. It's the same people. Like, I see your bra strap. I just see that it's clear. And all I think, all I see really is that you think I'm dumb or you want me to think I'm crazy because I'm just Like, have you been taped up? Did you escape a trunk? Why do you have packing tape on your butt? The point is raw dogging sneakers is not. We can't. Why is your foot touching your shoe that touches the ground? Why are we removing layers that were between the foot and the dirt? Okay, I do full socks all the time. I don't care. Even with a loafer. Full sock. I'm full Pippi Longstocking over here. I'm not succumbing to this little ankle condom that I know that it's. And you know what? I know that it's creeping up too. I know it's not on your heel. I know that it's crept up. Now I have to think about it and I'm like, can you fix it? Now I'm thinking about it and you're in a bad mood and I'm like, it's not. I think, no, you're not mad at your boss. Your thing is thing. Get the fix. Fix the thing. Fix your tiny little heel hat. Fedoras went away. Remember when fedoras were everywhere? People just kind of stopped. This is. This is. See, sometimes mocking works. Mockery does work. They stopped. I haven't seen a fanny pack in a while either. The last one I saw was on my fanny. I feel like I'm the only person that used fanny packs. People carry them over their chest now like they're a knight. Like men put the fanny pack over their chest to try. Like, do we know what this is?
- [29:42]
Pat
I have a theory about fedoras.
- [29:44]
Whitney Cummings
This is so pat. Every now and then I really realize on a deep cellular level why we get along so well. Like the fact that you have a theory on fedoras, it's just like so like, no offense is the meanest thing I'll ever say to you. Like that's so me.
- [30:01]
Pat
Like in the 90s, all the 60s fashion was back in the 90s, I think the fedora cycle is actually a 45 year cycle.
- [30:08]
Whitney Cummings
Every fashion do that.
- [30:10]
Pat
The 90s was very like 60s, 70s, like dazed and confused.
- [30:14]
Whitney Cummings
And now it's. It's 80s and 90s again.
- [30:16]
Pat
Yes, exactly. 90 JNCO jeans are coming back.
- [30:19]
Whitney Cummings
But here's my question. When fedoras come back, is that repeating the cycle of fedoras in the.
- [30:26]
Pat
I think mainstream is on 30 to 35 year cycle and fedoras are on 45 to 50 year cycle.
- [30:33]
Whitney Cummings
Fedoras are only worn by only children.
- [30:36]
Pat
That's a good theory.
- [30:36]
Whitney Cummings
A brother, a big brother would handle that.
- [30:38]
Pat
Yeah. So maybe the oldest Would get away with the fedora.
- [30:43]
Whitney Cummings
And maybe people that are named Junior, like, Mark. Whatever. Junior. Cause there's, like, some kind of. Cause if someone's like, hey, I'm Mark Wordsworth Jr. You're like, oh, okay. I guess the fedora's fine. Also, remember Dick Tracy? I feel like I don't. I have vague recollections of things like Dick Tracy and who framed Robert. Roger Rabbit. Robert Rabbit. But, like, these were. These were. That was like a fedora was a thing. Like, I'm solving crimes, you know? And now it's like, I'm gonna. I'm going through a divorce. Because a fedora doesn't actually stop any sunlight. It doesn't. It's. It's. I have a qualm with things that serve no actual purpose as I wear a bolo tie. But this does serve a purpose. It's to let you know I'm nuts so I don't have to carry around mace. Everyone's like, sweatshirt and bolo tie. We'll wait for the next one. I feel like fashion with men is a little bit like, you wait for a wave, and you try to take it. Men try to do floaters. It's like, oh, can we wear fedoras? And they try and try, and the answer is like, no, you can't remember the. Everyone that went to, like, Dave Matthews band and fish concerts would all wear that braided puka shell. Puka shell. Like, they tried it, and we were like. Like, they just. Guys have to keep seeing what they can get away with. Now it's like hair and pants, you know? And the reality is that all of you should just dress like Pat. Just dress like. Like, Just like, dress like you haven't.
- [32:29]
Pat
Looked in a mirror in 30 years.
- [32:30]
Whitney Cummings
But, like. But there's a method to it. Like, if you're not wearing a 50 cent shirt once a month, are you even a man? Real men wear great men on their chest with pride. Not. Not team jerseys.
- [32:48]
Pat
You know, I am in the market for a Don Rickles shirt. That's the next.
- [32:53]
Whitney Cummings
You were the third person that has brought up Don Rickles to me in, like, two days. What is that? Bader Mehoff?
- [33:00]
Pat
Oh, the third confirmation.
- [33:02]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, exactly. Like, it's like, have. Do people always bring up Don Rickles to me, But I just noticed it because you did it.
- [33:07]
Pat
Or I think that means that there will be some Don Rickles related event in your life.
- [33:12]
Whitney Cummings
But does that mean. Okay, so Bader Meenhof is like. So someone says the word defenestrate. I've never heard this word before. Huh? Right? It means to throw someone out a window. And someone's like, I've never heard that word. That's so crazy. And then the next day they hear it and then the next day they read it and they're like, hold on. That was kind of mystical before the Internet and apps and stuff, but now with like, social media, like, Chris will say something and he'll be like, ah, should we go see Train? And I'm like, I was just thinking about Train. That's so weird. And he was like, someone brought up Train to me. And I'm like, yeah. Cause we all follow the same people. It's all. There was a video, we all got the same video.
- [33:45]
Pat
And now your phones are pushing it, reinforcing it too.
- [33:48]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, of course. You know, like, someone will be like, remember Twister? And I'm like, I just saw a thing for Twister. And I think it's this magical coincidence. I'm like, basing my entire, like, spirituality and concept of, like, how the world. I'm like, see, the universe is talking to me. This is my theory about how we're all slowly becoming schizophrenic and we think we're being, like, spoken to by patterns.
- [34:08]
Pat
Disney adopting AI and adopting.
- [34:11]
Whitney Cummings
Adopting implies that it's like rescuing it and taking it in.
- [34:15]
Pat
Yeah, they kind of are. Because open AI has not been able to prove a viable business strategy.
- [34:21]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, so what does it mean in, in a couple sentences that Disney has bought ChatGPT.
- [34:26]
Pat
They invested heavily in OpenAI and they're going to use it.
- [34:30]
Whitney Cummings
I turned that into bought ChatGPT.
- [34:33]
Pat
They're going to use it to create from their library of material that they own, which is a ton of things. But what they're targeting is user generated content, which is like, when you have a Disney plus subscription, it's going to be analyzing your life and it's going to be changing the movies and the shows that you're watching on the Fly for you.
- [34:57]
Whitney Cummings
So you're going to go like, oh, she has two dead parents. Maybe not every Disney movie should be about parents dying. Like, I'm not even kidding.
- [35:03]
Pat
Well, like, the way everyone's been siloed off from each other in social media.
- [35:07]
Whitney Cummings
But will it be like this? A movie that's about Lion King can be turned into Horse King because I love horses. And they'll make a horse version.
- [35:14]
Pat
They would add a horse to the movie, or they would have a horse be the hero of the story or whatever.
- [35:20]
Whitney Cummings
How about when you watch the movie. You watch your favorite movie, Frozen, and.
- [35:25]
Pat
It'S you that'll be part of it, too.
- [35:28]
Whitney Cummings
And it's your voice.
- [35:29]
Pat
You can flip through your. The people that you have on social media and add them to the show and put them in the movie and watch the movie of your friends playing all the characters or whatever.
- [35:39]
Whitney Cummings
Finally, I'm gonna be a movie star now. What? Mom?
- [35:43]
Pat
In as much as everyone's been siloed off on their phones through algorithms and social media, there's always been sort of a common. Like, everybody can go and watch the same movie right now.
- [35:55]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah.
- [35:55]
Pat
They can watch the same sporting event or whatever.
- [35:58]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah.
- [35:58]
Pat
And there's some common truth representation of something that happened that everyone can say, I saw that and I like the ending and I didn't like the ending or whatever.
- [36:09]
Whitney Cummings
But by the way, this is.
- [36:10]
Pat
There's no unique. There's no individual work of art at that point. Everybody will have seen Frozen, but nobody saw the same Frozen.
- [36:18]
Whitney Cummings
Well, see, this is already happening. That's the other thing, which is like, I think it's going to take movies like this situation for people to realize, like, well, we're arguing, like, you saw Frozen. Well, at the end when they got married. They didn't get married. Yes, they did. And we're like, oh, we're watching two different movies. The same thing's already happening with the news. Like, that's already happening. But it's going to take, like, movies that takes a little bit of attention out of it. Or, like, the default of, like, why would you lie about a movie? You must be mistaken. Whereas we don't do that with news and politics. We don't go, ho. Maybe we just got the different. Different news when it comes.
- [36:51]
Pat
Because there's only one of the movie. There's many reports of the story.
- [36:55]
Whitney Cummings
That's a good point. That's a good point.
- [36:57]
Pat
A lot of different angles.
- [36:58]
Whitney Cummings
That's good.
- [36:58]
Pat
There's one movie or there's one.
- [37:00]
Whitney Cummings
But there'll be like, one news story. And I'll be like, no, this happened. Someone be like, no, this happened. It's like, hold on, hold on. If this were a Disney movie, wouldn't we kind of be like, wait, that's why.
- [37:07]
Pat
Watch it together.
- [37:08]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah.
- [37:09]
Pat
And look at it together.
- [37:10]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, you got a totally different movie.
- [37:11]
Pat
Yeah.
- [37:12]
Whitney Cummings
Like, we are already getting totally different movies every day of reality. Which, by the way, everybody is like, I'm anxious. My life's miserable, but my reality is right. Mine's the real one. Wouldn't you. If you're anxious and upset. Want to be like, okay, this can't be it. Oh, thank God. Thank God. I think mine might be wrong. What's yours? You seem happy, Home Chef. Look, as the new year kicks off, I'm trying to simplify as much as I possibly can. I mean, look, I'm dressed like a, like a. Remember that guy Kimbo slice? Why am I dressed like him? Today, out of nowhere, look, dinner is a nightmare. This is why I love Home Chef. Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste and recipe ease. They make cooking simple, fresh, pre proportioned ingredients delivered right to your door. Easy to follow recipes that actually taste delicious. And now with dishes that are co created alongside celebrity chef like Gordon Ramsay, you can enjoy restaurant quality meals at home. You'll find these across Home Chef's culinary collection. Classic meal kits express options. And whatever you're doing, you're gonna love it. There's something that fits. Need a 30 minute meal. Something oven ready, quick microwave lunches. There's even a dedicated family menu for hassle free. When I think family, I think hassle free. Okay, but four servings or six servings for families. Home Chefs has over 30 meal options each week for choices for. Sorry. Like my family, we make it for one. Oh, a family meal, different choices, diets, you know, all this. It's the number one. Don't be silly. And you are gonna save $86 a month on average for groceries. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box plus dessert for life. Go to homechef.com Whitney that's homechef.com Whitney for 50% off. That's half and your first box and free dessert for life. That's whole life. Homechef.com Whitney must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. Cash App. Cash App is back. Kash. Chef loves me. You can't quit me. Cash App holidays are chaos. Let's be honest. You're hunting for deals. You're juggling gifts. You're answering a billion texts, okay? You're fighting about. You're getting in trouble for saying Merry Christmas at work. Okay? It's happy holidays. All right? So this is when they get you. This is when the scammers slide in. The liars, the thieves and the worms. They know holidays are busy for everyone, which can make us targets for what scams and your families around. So what are you in for? Scams. That's why Cash App builds in protection to help keep your money Safe. While you're checking off your shopping list, it's you're about to send someone money. Okay. To someone for a deal. It's too good to be true. Cash App Flags a potential scam. They're going to warn you before you even send the money. Where were you for the past 20 years of my life? Cash App Cash App also gives you an extra layer of protection with features like security lock. You can request, require a pin, face id, fingerprint, or to unlock your account to move money around. So if someone gets a hold of your unlocked phone at a holiday party swiped right a couple too many times on someone whose eyeballs are a little too small, we got you. Your money is right where you left it. Gift yourself some peace of mind this holiday season. Download the Cash App For a limited time only, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. Just download Cash App Use our exclusive referral code. Secure 10 in your profile. Secure 1o send $5 to a friend within 14 days, you're going to get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App Cash Apps a financial services platform. It's not a bank. Duh. Bank services provided by Cash Apps Bank Partners Prepaid debit card issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC Promotions provided by Cash App a blocking brand Cash App Nope. Cash App Legal podcast for full disclosures can we pull up that site? Yeah, I'm kidding. Can we just. Can you book more?
- [41:16]
Pat
This episode we're going to read aloud.
- [41:18]
Whitney Cummings
We're just going to read the disclosures. Thank you. Just pull it up. Thanks.
- [41:24]
State Farm Announcer
Meet the computer you can talk to with Copilot on Windows working, creating and collaborating is as easy as talking. Got writer's block? Share your screen with Copilot Vision to help spark inspiration and use Copilot voice to have a conversation and brainstorm ideas. Or maybe you need some tech help with Copilot Vision. Copilot sees what you see. Let Copilot talk you through step by step guidance so you can master new apps, games and skills faster. Try now@windows.com copilot hey, what's up, y'?
- [41:53]
Whitney Cummings
All?
- [41:53]
Ulta Beauty Announcer
Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. My favorite thing about the holidays, Decking out my whole house. It's not a competition, but if it was, well, I'd win the season with Wayfair Outdoor Inflatable Santa. Got it on Wayfair Trees, lights and ornaments. Wayfair hosting must haves like dining, sets, beds, sheets and towels. Wayfair for everything in your style Delivered with fast and free shipping. Visit Wayfair.com or the Wayfair app to win the season. But again, it's not a competition.
- [42:19]
Whitney Cummings
Wayfair every style, every home. I went to New Orleans, and, you know, look, I know that's what he just said felt kind of dystopian, but here's some great news. People were smoking. It's kind of like, what's. It's. It's. It. I don't know if this is a testament to how people are like, ah, all right, we're being recorded more than ever. I'm gonna just smoke. Like, no one's worried about surveillance. Nobody's worried about your purchases being trafficked, because if you buy cigarettes with the credit card, your health insurance company's gonna know about it. No one's worried about any of this. It was kind of a breath of fresh, fresh air to see people just being like, God, let's not live forever, you know, it was like, it. It was kind of refreshing because I feel like everyone's like, we're going to be in ketosis, and we're going to live forever. And they're like, a couple more years is good. Like, you know, everything feels so polarized to me, and people either smoke and vape or they only eat salmon skin and live in a bucket of ice. Like, is anyone just, like, in the middle anymore? Like, where am I? Like, 2% milk people at? Like, is anyone just, like, trying the best they can but refuses to make your body your entire identity? Like, I don't really identify as someone who, like, lives in a body. Like, I'm dead serious. Like, I have been so estranged from my body for so long. Like, when you have a kid, it's kind of another level of disassociation from your body because, you know, normally it's just like, what is this thing that my, like, head is? What's this, like, tripod? This kind of janky, ratchet, rickety tripod that my head is, like, balancing on? Like, I hope they hope I can get, like, a new one at some point, you know? And then you get pregnant, and you're like, hold on. This thing that my. That I lug around with my head just made a frog. Like, another human is in my body breathing, like, smegma fluid. I don't. It's like. Like, I can't. I can't even. Like, it actually. Like, I can't even make eye contact with my own body. Like, I look in the mirror, and I'm like, I can't even look at you. Like, that's so. I've dealt with everything but eating disorders, body dysmorphia. Disordered eating, I think, is not what you have to call it. Whatever. I didn't call it an eating disorder. I called it starving myself. So men I would never date would think I was hot. And the guys that did date me took me a while to realize we're gay. Straight guys are not into super skinny. That's just not normal. So I finally reconnect with my body, and I feel like I had some kind of, like, normal relationship with it after all that. But then you get pregnant and you're like, I've got eyeballs in my body, like, sockets. Like, it's such a. It's just like, get it away from me. It's like you're handcuffed to a monster. Did you see? Saw when Cary Elways is, like, handcuffed to, like, a. He's like, cut his arm off. I'm like, how do I. Like, there is a monster that is being made inside my body that is going to be 8 pounds, 8 inches in circumference and radius. The exit is about an inch. And you're like, oh, wow. Like, there's just a ticking time bomb. So I'm just in hell for nine. I just have to sit around and wait to see how this is gonna exit my body with no clear tunnel. It's kind of like I did like being pregnant, though. I was older, so I was just grateful to have given birth to anything besides a concrete figurine. So, you know. But it is like a sci fi nightmare. Like, women will be like, I'm nauseous. I keep throwing up. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's nauseating. The idea of someone growing inside your body that won't be able to speak for like, seven years. You don't even know this person. Like, you don't know this person. Like, remember when our parents would just, like, tell us crazy lines that we couldn't refute before the Internet? And so we had to just, like, believe them. Like, they'd be like, if you eat a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach. And we were like, no, no, that's the worst thing yet. Women do that. But it's a watermelon that has teeth, that costs so much money, that has nails. Like, they come out with nails that are sharp. By the way, do you know some babies have to break their shoulders to get out of their moms?
- [46:45]
Pat
Rough.
- [46:47]
Whitney Cummings
Rough. Okay. I. I haven't really Talked about my birth journey, but there's really just, you know, there's truly people just standing by with, like, cartoon, like, saws, like knives, like hatchets. Like, they. They know that they're gonna cut into you one way or another. I was cut in the undercarriage. They were standing by for a C section. Trust me. Just like Edward Scissorhands. Just like, you know, but then you're like, I. What are so my options are? You're gonna saw me in half or you have to break my baby's cool anyway. Bodies, man. Seeing people smoking, it was just. I was like, okay, good, Good. Like, good for you that you're like, I love the idea that humans are just, you know, imagine like 100 years ago just being like, what would humans be like if they knew everything? Like, I wonder what. What if they did know what killed them? What if they did know how to stay healthy? Cut to 100 years later, they're just like, yeah, I don't care. Like, science, like, science is so corny. Like, trying to be healthy is so corny. And honestly, I promise you, these people are healthier than anybody. I promise you. You know what? I actually had a therapist tell me once. Well, my. The only one I've really worked with. And she was like, you know, smoking might actually be good for you because you would take deep breaths. People smoking are actually relaxed and they're taking deep breaths. And the rest of us are dying of stress because we're trying to figure out how to make a blueberry smoothie on the freeway on the way to the spin class. Okay, I'm just. It's just this onslaught of health and wellness podcasters. Like, just the idea that they're like, okay, dorks. Like, I just love that there's. You think you're the cool kid until you see that, and you're like, those are the cool kids.
- [48:40]
Pat
Every time you release an episode of a health and wellness podcast, you should have to release a five to ten minute interview with somebody who's older than 90.
- [48:50]
Whitney Cummings
That's so funny.
- [48:51]
Pat
And they're like, I drink a two liter of Dr. Pepper every day.
- [48:54]
Whitney Cummings
I eat Spam. I don't even open the can. I don't even know. Dude, I eat tuna out of a can. You know, a lot of people recently, speaking of bodies. Good segue. Are accusing me of getting a nose job. My nose look different or my whole head just changed. You know that noses as you get.
- [49:16]
Pat
People have accused you recently.
- [49:18]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Like, for some reason in the last, like, week, like, you know, as you get older, the tip of your nose detaches or something, and it gets older.
- [49:24]
Pat
Your nose and your ears never stop growing.
- [49:30]
Whitney Cummings
Pat. Oh, my God. That's just ruined my day. That's worse than when I found out there's bugs in our eyelashes. Oh, my God. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Are you sure? Well, the good news about me is I get my ear bitten off every couple years by a dog, so I'm minus. I would love for it to grow bigger. Anyway, I don't smoke, I don't drink. I do some supplements. I do the nad. I do the True Niagen. You know, I do that foliated B12. I do creatine now. And they remember when creatine, the whole thing was like, it's so good for you. Men should take. Makes you, like, stronger and faster. So, like, men. Here it is. And I was always like, oh, well, that's, like, for men. Creatine's, like, for men, though. It makes you, like, think faster. What would. I mean, why would they market that to us? It's the same like it was for men. It's like how lotion is only for women. Like, men have skin, too. Like, men get ashy. It's like a nightmare. Okay? We have the same molecules, the same cellular jelly. It's good for men's brains. Men got creatine, we got lavender, which is now apparently proven to disrupt the endocrine system and cause, like, hormonal disruption in children. No big deal. But creatine, I'm taking now. I think it's good. I do that. Theanine, magnesium, like an oil spray. And that's kind of it. But it's just wild to me that we spend all day scrolling, hunched over on our phones, two inches from a screen our brain thinks is the sun to get health tips and wellness hacks. Like, I truly feel like we're better off never having seen one thing on the Internet and just doing what we thought was healthy. Before, all these wellness people were telling us to sleep eight hours in a video they posted at 2am like, it's just. I don't know. I can't. I can't deal. Did you see that thing on the CEO of Planet Ear, the data mining company? Palantir. Oh, sorry. Planetary. Planetary. No, there's a new one. New one. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Palantir. Who cares?
- [51:36]
Pat
The competition is swift.
- [51:37]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that. He was, like, giving a speech. Did you see this?
- [51:42]
Pat
Oh, I saw. He was jumping around in his chair.
- [51:44]
Whitney Cummings
I Saw this going around and I'm just like, ah, why do. Why would a billionaire ever speak to anyone? Like, I, I just. The smartest people in the world cannot go, I'm gonna say no to this. You know, it is amazing how we put these people on panel. You're like, that is. That person is the smartest person in the world. And then he's like, hey, how do I get to the talk that's being filmed? My Uber. I need the address for my Uber so I can come talk to a New York Times journalist about this comp that, dude, what is. It's just amazing. Like, look, here's what I'll say. This is when I know someone. This is when my, like, ears perk up about someone when they do something that just like a talk or a podcast or something that will reveal how, you know, goofy they are. Like, the people around this guy encouraged him to go talk in front of a crowd on video, knowing full well he's gonna blow up his entire life. Like, they knew how this would end. Do people know how many people try to stop me from doing truly everything I do? I at least have people who go, no, don't do that. And I'm like, ah, I'll be fine. Reddit loves me. Like, they don't succeed in stopping me, but they try. Okay, you can only lose at speaking in public at this point. Even if what you say is fine, that's even worse. You know, you take it out of context or they'll be like, wait a second, she was speaking at 2pm suspiciously coherent in her kink robot AI. She spoke at 2pm her kids get out of school at 3:30. Like, there's no way to win. All right, they'll cut it up late. They'll find out that you, you, you know, I don't see a land acknowledgement on the beginning of this.
- [53:35]
Pat
I mean, that's when, you know, a speech went really well, you start coming for the land acknowledgement that you forgot.
- [53:42]
Whitney Cummings
Like, I just. Or you spoke at a thing five years later. You know, this thing was a money laundering scheme and the company was rude to their interns, and you sanitized it by showing up. If you don't have to be on camera, stay off camera. Okay? Did it work for anyone that ever got interviewed by Sasha Baron Cohen? No one get off camp. This is going to be the new Darwinism. Who can stay day off camera, right? Trained performers. We have practice knowing how to not talk when the microphone is on. We know how to prep the interview to not Ask certain questions. Or we know how to, like, pivot if we need to or, like, do it. We know how to get through it without losing all of our jobs. All right, but these people that spend their whole lives off camera, you know, all. And then, you know, whose employees, like, you know, aren't thrilled to be working with them. Your personality is kind of like, I think we can all agree to build something that big. It's like, I bet you're a little prickly. I bet you could be described as brusque. On a good day to just go give a speech in front of journalists. When has this ever gone well? Show. Tell me one. Have you. This is only Silicon Valley people. Have you ever seen John Deere give a speech? The CEO of Campbell's Soup, Find it. The lady that founded Burt's Bees, she did one podcast and no video. You can't. Sam Walton, who started Walmart, looked him up. He gave a speech. One. One speech. Thirteen years ago, okay? At a museum. And he's like, reading off a piece of paper. This is. You gotta understand the truly successful people know to get to go hide. Let. Let. The guy who started Zara, he's a recluse. That's the power move. That's the flex. He knows. He knows those tops are just flimsy enough to make us all hate him. If one spaghetti strap breaks. The Mars family. They don't talk to anyone. These people don't speak. You can't find them. Imagine being the face of stealing people's data and being like, I gotta go. I gotta go speak at this conference. I gotta go. I gotta look. We all think Howard Hughes was crazy for being agoraphobic and mysterious. Now I'm just like, guys, I think that peeing in a Mason jar is so much more sane than putting on wacky socks and your John Varvatos. Like, those are heels, dummy. To go down and answer questions from a journalist. Like, I don't like, imagine knowing when to fold, knowing when to walk away from the poker table. Do you know what I mean? Bobby Fischer, best player in the world, beat the Russian guy or something, right? Disappeared. He's like, this is it. I did my best. I showed my talking isn't my strong suit. I think I said everything I needed to say. Not much of a show pony. How about I just go live the rest of my life? I'm going to pass on TEDx Pensacola. Thanks. And getting no money to give a speech that's sponsored by Jeep. Like, what are all these sponsors? Where's all so this guy, the CEO of Planetary, shows up at the New York Times. Sorry, it's just so. It's so. You know, I love, like, a petty grudge that, like, all these people that have the biggest therapists in the world and access to the. The psychological medicine and all this stuff to, like, heal and be present and move on. That. You're like, that's just. He's still the dork from high school who can't. He has to get his revette. Like, is doing all this just so the girl that rejected him is like, ah, he's the one that got away. He shows up at the New York Times Dealbook Summit. What? By the way, all these companies just making up fake summits so that they can, like, get sponsors from companies. Like, I will show up at these things. And they're like, yeah, come speak at the Women in Power Summit for the this magazine. And you show up and you're like, oh, I guess I'm gonna go help some young girls that want to hear. And you get there and you're like, what are all these brands? I'm getting paid $0 for this. Wait, these people don't pay for. Like, how. Wait, how much you paid a thousand dollars for tickets to see me talk? Like, why am I. Do not listen to my advice on business because I am working for free at something making no money. I mean, I'm a moron. Okay? So this guy shows up and. Well, it's also the thing of, like, everyone wants to be asked, like, if you just. They always say, if you want to meet a celebrity, like, just make up a fake award and they'll come and get it. Wasn't it Harvard they made a fake award for Bill Cosby? And he, like, showed up and, like, accepted it. And he, like, was at the airport and someone had to just, like, go pick him up. And they were just, you know, like, I'm praying. But I was like, all right, so this guy can't just be rich. I love it when money's not enough for somebody. Money is so enough for me. It's not even funny. But, like, these dude, they. He also has to be the cool kid, right? The New York Times is like, still the too cool for school. It's like the cool kids table, you know, he, like, wants an invite. It's even tech bros. The people who invented updating software can't update their mental software to remember that we're not in high school anymore. You guys made the technology to show us high school people. And you see that they're 20 years older, but you still can't stop. You don't have to go be friends with the people who write critical articles about the winners and pretend to be moral, all right? But. Because everyone in this guy's life hates him because they know him personally, I guess. I don't know. And I. He goes to this event, and I actually watched. I think a lot of people just watched the clips of him, like, acting nuts, and he's, like, jumping around, and I'm like, that's me every day. I don't know what everyone's issue is with this. This guy seems awesome. This huge AI tech titan. He's talking, and you can, you know, you can kind of see that this New York Times guy is, like, really trying to, like, give it to him, right? And I think we can all agree, like, you should never see this. We shouldn't see Dr. Frankenstein. There's a reason he was in a dungeon. He knew. But this guy showed up, okay, to defend what he's doing with the company. And if you were anxious before about AI and tech, these are the people making it. So I think, you know, we have in our heads, I think that all these tech people are like, these, like, Asperger's, like, dorks that, like, never got laid. And they're in their, like, whoop bands, like, sitting on their yoga balls with, like, superhero figurines. And we're like, oh, look, good. Like, good for him. Got his braces off, and now he's, like, a big boy. He's got a girlfriend, like. But then you see this guy and you're like, oh, wait, these are. This is like, actually Doc from Back to the Future, if he was on anesthesia, like, so I watched it, and I gotta say, now that I've roasted him a little bit, he won me over because. Because he only did this interview for revenge. Someone was gonna invent this. Here's the. With all these people that invent all this horrific stuff, or they're. Someone was gonna do it, right? Other countries are doing. Someone was gonna do it. So there's all this technology that's coming. Like, if you didn't invent it, this person was gonna invent it. So, yeah, you know, that's not. Doesn't mean it's okay. I'm just saying, like, am I gonna hate this guy if other it would be someone else? I don't know. The point is, it's not. He didn't need to do this. Okay, but watch it. If you watch the part where he's being buck wild he's trying to debunk all these rumors about his company. Like, we don't do this. We don't do this. And then he goes, as the New York Times reported, this guy showed up just to, like, spit in the face of the. This New York Times, which is now kind of like a blog, let's be honest. And to debunk, to stand up to someone that was mean to him. And when I say this is Revenge of the Nerds, I am being literal. These nerds are doing it all. This is revenge. That's why there's no point in being mean to them. We already were. Our only option was to leave them in those lockers. Because if you're gonna bully someone smart, just know you're giving them their superhero origin story. And that's what everybody did. Because we're kind of like, well, these. Jeez, they're invincible. Because we are. You did that in high school. These are now. This is their. They're getting back at us, right? The girls that didn't date them in high school. I'm getting their period. You wouldn't go to prom with me. We're making it so phones charge wirelessly, so you never have an excuse to not call me back.
- [62:37]
Pat
I'm going to go to prom with everybody.
- [62:43]
Whitney Cummings
Digitally. I'm the prom king in every high school in America. At all the proms, like, they put WI fi on a plane. That was the only chance we had left to be alone. And that's the only excuse we had to be like, sorry I didn't call you back. I was on a plane. No. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We put WI fi in the clouds. You can never escape us. These dorks won't stop till they can film us peeing from inside the smart toilet. They know to just put smart in front of it. That's how dumb they think we are. It's like, I'm. I'm dumb if I don't buy this. I have a dumb toilet. This machine is smart. It can give me directions. It can make my coffee. It collects particles for my pee to tell me what nutrients I'm missing. But how. How do you think it's getting the pee? Okay. We've always had surveillance, though. That's the other thing. It's. It's. God is like the first surveillance, right? And then, like, Santa, right? I don't know. Were people this mad when photo developing places came out? Bring your film, and we'll print it out. We'll make as many copies as we Want for ourselves. But you will get your five by seven very sticky for no apparent reason. Photos as well. Like, we've always kind of. It's weird where we kind of, like, draw the line, you know, Surveillance is. I think the weirdest part of surveillance is when you don't have it. That's when you want it, but when you have it, you really don't want it. When something crazy happens, everyone's like, did someone get that? You know, like, when you get robbed, you're like, how is there no video of this? A friend of mine got, like, kind of hit by a car. And we're like, no one. None of these restaurants are filming 24 7. But then it's like, don't, don't. Whatever you do, don't surveil me unless I'm in trouble or. It's like whenever I'm at, like, the Comedy Store and, like, do, like, a great set or something happens. I'm like, did you guys get that? And they're like, no, I don't think we're not supposed to film you. I'm like, but this night, you should have known that I was gonna need that. What do you mean you don't have cameras? Every being anti surveillance, it's like, ah, would you go as far as to say, that's pro criminal. They are trying to take your day. Like, I feel like burglars are the ones that are pushing this anti surveillance. They're just like, you're gonna let someone film everything you do at your house and at your door? Amazon's gonna take a picture of your package and know what happened to it. You know how, like, all these companies, everyone's like, are they evil? And then you Google what they mean. Like, what is a planet here? In, like, Latin or something? What does it mean? Like, Genghis Khan? Like, it means something. They're like, this is the staff that Genghis Khan used. This was Napoleon's dog's name. And you're like, huh? I feel like we should have known.
- [65:36]
Pat
It's from the Lord of the Rings, and it means far, seer, far.
- [65:41]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, see, I see far.
- [65:42]
Pat
The source of evil in the Lord of the Rings is this fire eye above a mountain that can see everywhere.
- [65:50]
Whitney Cummings
Sure.
- [65:50]
Pat
And it sends out these wraiths to go and slaughter people and things that might be working against it. And that's what they named this company after.
- [66:00]
Whitney Cummings
And people like other people give that person money.
- [66:05]
Pat
They've been around for decades. Planeteer Palantir has been around for decades. I'm not with military contracts for intelligence.
- [66:13]
Whitney Cummings
Okay.
- [66:14]
Pat
And AI is converging with this company that's been built over decades that has already had all the information. The NSA and Palantir have basically recorded every sentence that's been said by us, lettered or typed.
- [66:33]
Whitney Cummings
But isn't the thing that they can't necessarily store it all? Cause it's so expensive to store it?
- [66:38]
Pat
I mean, they're finding ways to do.
- [66:40]
Whitney Cummings
It, and they're using the heat to heat cook us. Isn't there something like. I feel like the first question you should ask someone to see if they're a narcissist or not is to be like, are you worried about your data? Like, someone who's like, do you think you're gonna run for president? What's your plan in life that you're so worried about? Also, what are you texting? What are you saying? What are you texting? What does everyone see? I see. Maybe I'm just emotionally dyslexic about this because I say and post the most embarrassing things that I do. Like, I share it voluntarily. You know, my private. This is why I'm like, chilling dog. Because I have no secrets. I don't know what it's like to live with secrets. And I feel like most people. I just said, be private. Okay, I'm contradicting myself again.
- [67:28]
Pat
Whitney.
- [67:30]
Whitney Cummings
You know what's interesting? Because I was thinking about this, and for the first time in my life, I just pronounced interesting, I think correctly. I've been saying interesting my whole life with a ch. And my friend Dory goes interesting, and I'm like, which one of us is wrong? I feel like it's me. Is it me? Is it literally me?
- [67:47]
Pat
Yeah, like, you're from London, gonna ride YouTube.
- [67:51]
Whitney Cummings
Literally interesting. Not literally. Tuesday interesting. Babe, there's certain things that are locked. It's locked. It's not. We're not going back. It's just, I. Is it weird that I don't. I don't know. Maybe. I think my brain also. I get on the winning team if I know something's insurmountable. I'm like, I love it. I'm in. I don't. I don't. I ride the horse in the direction it's going. I will delude myself and be like, is that so bad? It can't be that bad, because it's happening. And you know what else? I've said it before. Hating it implies you understand it and you don't. For me to hate it would imply that I understood any of it. And I don't. You know, so I'm just gonna go. Great. You know that I love the question. Is there a company or does our government or the FBI or the CIA or all these people that were just like, they're corrupt? Like, is there an organization that saves our life a thousand times a day and we have no idea about it? And because they can't tell us, we're like, they don't do anything. Yeah. Like, is there any world where a company like this, like, is maybe already doing, like, there's a. I'm not gonna say what the company is, but they do something in the intimacy space where they are able to kind of, like, bust pedophiles and they just do it. But they also can't say that because they're like, wait, what are you. You know, is there a company like this that on some level, we're like, ooh, this is. Maybe it's militarily doing all these good things, but we're just like, oh, it's gonna, like, have my emails. I always think they know something we don't. They're like, the benefits of this will save your life every day. Yeah. It's kind of weird that we've got all your emails, but, like, your mom will live longer because of that, you know?
- [69:45]
Pat
Like, well, there's gonna be a karma algorithm at some point where someone who says, I don't like this, they might just never get a job because their phone heard them say that they don't like the government. They might just never get hired.
- [70:00]
Whitney Cummings
Mm. You know what's weird about. Well, if it's a man, they'll then get hired by the government. They'll be like, help us fix it. What don't you like? That's like Frank Abingdale, one on one, the guy that, like, scammed the government. They were like, come tell us how you did it. Half a million dollars a year. You don't like us. Come. Neither do we. We hate ourselves. Like, you know, but. Yeah, that's. That's so.
- [70:21]
Pat
Inner corporations are already doing, like, deep research on people.
- [70:25]
Whitney Cummings
Certain people are like, there's already those, like, voice disguisers and, like, you know, everyone will have, like, a mask that's, like, not a Covid mask, but it, like, disguises your voice. Daft Punk got ahead of it, right? Everyone's gonna be wearing a helmet or a mask or Halloween. It's gonna be Halloween every day. Everyone's gonna be, like, in a disguise. It's gonna get funny. Like, I do think, sir. But when people are like, Other cameras are like, I'm just gonna start wearing a Homer Simpson mask.
- [70:51]
Pat
Sending their robot avatar to work.
- [70:53]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, totally. It's gonna get fun, you guys.
- [70:56]
Pat
Like, something's wrong with Craig.
- [70:58]
Whitney Cummings
He's like old Darth Vader over here. Who is that? Like, does he work here? Like, we don't even. Like, what do you mean?
- [71:05]
Pat
Like, the same.
- [71:07]
Whitney Cummings
Everyone's everyone. You're just going to go to someone's house and they're like, oh, I hate the government. Like, what are you doing? He's like, trust me.
- [71:15]
Pat
No, watch. They're going to shoot me. But it's really my robot.
- [71:17]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't want them to know that I'm the one saying this.
- [71:20]
Pat
I'm going to film them killing me as you were.
- [71:24]
Whitney Cummings
Like, if it's going to have to be in accents doing impressions of other people, they're going to be like Steven Seagal. No, this was someone doing an impression of me that wasn't me.
- [71:31]
Pat
It's just going to be like the ending of a Scooby Doo episode. All day long, everywhere you look.
- [71:36]
Whitney Cummings
See you next week, you guys, I have so much more that I wanna say, but we're running outta time and I have it next week. And I'm gonna do CNN for some reason has not. I think I missed an email. Next episode's gonna be a big, juicy roast. And let's let you know what. I can't wait. I'm also going to do a big roast in January on a very big platform. And I'm excited because I'm fascinated by the fact that some people think that I'm like, the queen of me too. Like, the cancel culture, like, hardcore left. And other people are like, you're a Trumper. Like, and I think the row going on CNN and making fun of the election last year, people are like, so you're a like. Because people cannot, like, can't. They need a. They just are like, I can't just laugh at this. I have to be mad about something. Like, comedy. Like, ah. How dare you try to make me laugh. It's New Year's Eve. I'm pissed. I need. Where's a hypocrite? I'm on the hunt. You'll do. You'll do. So I'm interested because now, every now and then, there are these days when I do roasts always, like, I have a new. People are gonna be like, so you're a Green Party guy now, Bernie? Like, I'll do a roast and someone will decide how I voted it's like a Rorschach test to everybody. So I'm excited to see how this goes. Making fun of everyone, like, equally. People just go, ah, socialist. It always says so much more about the person accusing you than anyone else. I just went through puberty. It's a pleasure to be here. Don't ride elephants.
- [73:51]
Liberty Mutual Announcer
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- [74:06]
Whitney Cummings
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.
- [74:09]
Liberty Mutual Announcer
Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com. liberty, liberty, liberty. Liberty Savings. Very Underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.