← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Harbour Resentment | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 315
01:26:04
Loading summary
Transcript46 lines
- [00:00]
Pat
Look at your right index finger. Just look at the side of your right index finger. Just look at it. It's got a bunch of black stuff on it. The one to the side of that.
- [00:19]
Whitney
Are we rolling?
- [00:19]
Pat
Just. It was right next to the one you just showed me. It was to the side.
- [00:23]
Whitney
Are we rolling?
- [00:24]
Pat
The other one.
- [00:26]
Whitney
To answer my question, are we rolling?
- [00:30]
Pat
Yeah.
- [00:32]
Whitney
Did you guys just hear what I have to deal with? Pat, I've been on this show in the before times with, like, makeup. Eye makeup running down my face. Like Justin Trudeau Halloween party adjacent. You said not.
- [00:48]
Pat
O. Pete, it looks like you were changing attire.
- [00:50]
Whitney
Yeah, Pat, so. So this.
- [00:51]
Pat
Can you tell me about it?
- [00:52]
Whitney
Yeah, I would love to. So this black stuff on my finger. So this is essentially soot kind of charcoal vibe that I have to purchase it in a spray can to cover up the gray hairs that have been caused by trying to figure out how to shoot a podcast remotely. You're asking me to send you codes. You're asking me to back up, pull forward, put my laptop up and down. It's. Honestly, I know it's a prank, and it is funny, but it also does age me, frankly. I also, you know, am aging prematurely. Hair graying. Because, truly, I'm always sweating. I mean, I've been wearing this shirt for how, like, I don't know, maybe 20 minutes, and I'm already sweating, so I have to inhale the smell of. I mean, bacon, truly, from my own armpits at all times. I am also in Atlanta, Georgia, at the moment with nothing that I. Nothing. I have nothing in a. A house that can only be described as a death trap for my child. I don't know what's going on with the architecture in Georgia, but it can only be described as, like, nouveau samurai sword, where, truly, every corner, every cabinet, every. The stairs are a tr. A trick. Like, it is an Escher painting, like, come to life. The stairs are like a. You know, those, like, infinity pools, like, the illusion. They're like infinity. They're like illusion stairs. You walk, you just try to go downstairs, and you just fall into a trapdoor is the only way I can describe it. So, yeah, Pat, I have some gray hairs at the moment, and I have to spray them with, you know, basically sharpie dandruff in order to look like I have a modicum of a hairline. Because I had a child a little later in life because of the damage done to me when I was a child, I was not able to not only make eye contact, but be able to give or receive love. You know, for years, any kind of love to me felt like an attack. I mean, you know, it felt like an attack. But of course, for me, attacks don't feel like much because I've been in a constant state of a panic attack since I was about 2. So, you know, I think it's just the constant pounding of adrenaline. The every time you check a text message on your birthday, it's a family member who pretends to love you asking for money. You know, every time I, you know, take a gander at my emails, you know, on Christmas, it's usually like, you know, know, letters from lawyers because family members want to sue me, you know, so, yeah, I have a little soot on my finger.
- [03:37]
Pat
I think you should lean into it.
- [03:39]
Whitney
I. I was. Okay. I was doing just that. Also, I had a mole removed that kind of grew back. Oh. Oh, okay, Pat. Okay, Pat, you are. If I knew how to do anything with this podcast, you be fired. Look, there's a giant piece of soot on my face that you didn't call out.
- [04:05]
Pat
Oh, I thought there was another returning mole. I didn't want to get personal.
- [04:10]
Whitney
Whack a mole. My actual whack a mole. Okay, so can we now. Okay. I did get ready very quickly. My child is on the roof. The. The. Or the roof, which, by the way, it doesn't really have bars. It has like a mini putt putt course upstairs, like, so that he hits the ball off and wants to chase it. And so, you know, I. I'm sure I will see my child just fall past this window any minute now. Okay. Am I consumable to you, Pat? Am I prepared? Am I okay to go on YouTube? Am I. I think we're ready.
- [04:45]
Pat
Yeah.
- [04:46]
Whitney
Am I presentable in your eyes? Are there any other fingers you want to examine of mine? Also, by the way, the fact that you care about the soot of my fingers, given my fingers just look like the roots, the actual roots of legumes. I mean, my hands are so ugly, I think they covering them with charcoal is a step up. Also, look at the half tattoo cover on my tattoos. My. Because for the show, they cover my tattoos. So now I just have, like, just what looks like leprosy. Just kind of covering up my tattoos. So. But anyway, how was your Halloween bat?
- [05:25]
Pat
It was amazing.
- [05:26]
Whitney
I'm so glad. I'm so glad. By the way, it also is like the couple days after Halloween, everyone's kind of just covered in color like, like dried blood still, you know what I mean? There's Like, a couple days where people still have their, like, makeup and stuff on, which is kind of funny. We're like, are you. It's amazing how blood coming out of your mouth on Halloween is funny. As soon as you have a little bit, the next day, are you. Is that contagious? You really find out who has a good hygiene regimen the day after Halloween. So did you just. What was the plan? No loofah. Just gonna. You just think the shampoo on your head is just gonna take it all off. Anyway, I'm glad your Halloween was great. Thank you so much for not telling me about it. I. I'm not a Halloween guy. You know this. But it's just not. I'm not not. I just. Look, I have a kid, first of all, having a kid at 2 years old, I was like, what are you gonna dress him as? I'm like, it's a b. I can hardly get clothes on this baby. Like, much less, like, you know, a bluey. Inflatable bluey costume or like, a. Something that involves a string under his neck with, like, a stick staple on the side. My only job as a parent is to, like, keep loose staples away from my kid, and that's every Halloween costume. So I'm. I'm. I also, like, I'm not a Halloween. You know what it is? I love it for everybody else, but if you're a performer or an actor or, like, a public figure and you need to dress up for Halloween, it is truly, like, how much attention do you need? Like, I'm not trying to be a bummer on Halloween, but if I dressed up hard, wouldn't you be like, it's cringe. Like, I know Heidi Klum will go as, like, an inchworm or like, okay, like, are you always in hair and makeup? Like, I. I don't know. She's German. Maybe it's that I just. I. I truly cannot afford to have hair and makeup done even one day that I am not working. I just. I. I'm truly this close to going bald. I can't have a curling iron near my skull unless it is a union production. And it's truly illegal for me to touch my own hair. It's also on the east coast, and I forgot how cold Halloween is. Like, I forgot how crazy it is that girls in LA and, like, California girls wearing underwear for Halloween is sort of like, yeah, that try. But the east coast, dude, you are such a hoe. Like, you are. It's not. They make it so hard to be a hoe, and you're like, nope, black panties and a bra. I'm a vampire. Like, are you, Jay? It's if you want to wear that, wear that. But just say, I'm a vampire who hasn't finished getting dressed yet, who just got out of the shower and is like, can't find his cloak. Like, that's just. See that. Be like, I'm a vampire that can't find its pants. Like, I'm a vampire who got stuck. There was a fire in the house and I got stuck outside. Or like someone threw garlic at me so I had to run outside fast. Like, just be funny about it. Let's not pretend, you know, but this year I feel like the big trend, at least where I'm in Atlanta and in a place where there's lots of kids. And when I tell you half of the kids went as the numbers 6 and 7. Truly half. Truly half. Which is honestly refreshing. Like the verbal meme that kids say at school right now that means nothing, is what half the kids decided to embody. And honestly, I think, I think this is good. At first I was like, oh, you know, it's like, this can't be good. It's good. Costumes are supposed to be scary. They're supposed to be scary and spooky. And nothing is scarier than seeing teenage kids choose out of all the options, choose out of their own volition to go as a meaningless, completely senseless joke, frankly, just kind of letting everyone know that they understand. They accept that on some level they're not real. They're not a person. They are a number. They know they are a number. We, they're like, we know we have been reduced to a number, and we're actually fine with that. Kids used to have, like, aspirations, you know, Like, I'm not just a number. Like, kids would go as like, astronaut or like a wizard or something impressive and unique and special. And now they're just like, no, I'm an. I'm a number. I'm a number that's being surveilled by another country. I am a. I am meaningless. I am a meaningless played out meme that is already, frankly, kind of cringe. And that's all I can aspire to ever be. To be something that is just unoriginal, common. You know, at first I was horrified, you know, like on a cellular level. I was like, oh, no. Like, this is, you know, this is not funny or fun. This is, like, kind of sad. And I was like, you know, this is good. I'm encouraged by this level of self awareness and Understand that being special or unique is just over. It's not in the cards. And we can all just, like, enjoy being, you know, a trash bag full of blood and meat with an expiration date, you know, that's being mined for our Google searches. Like, I think it's good to just know that it didn't seem like any of the parents have to, like, tell that to the kids. They seem to be like, we know, we got it, you know, and I'm. I'm happy for them. So now the bigger thing that I, as you can tell, I'm sort of talking about Halloween, wanting to talk about something else. So the biggest thing on my TikTok is Lily Allen and David Harbor. Is it Harbor I like? I'm not. I don't want to mispronounce his name on Harbor. They're going through a divorce, and it's kind of everywhere. And look, her album just came out, and she's detailing about how they might have been an open relationship, but he cheated. Who cares? The point is, most, a lot of people don't even know who these people are. But every now and then, a relationship like a celebrity couple hits the zeitgeist way harder than they should. Because the dynamic of the two people is an example of a dynamic everyone's probably been in. And you've tried to explain it to other people, but those. The way their behavior, the way you verbalize it or try to describe it, always makes you seem like the crazy one. And so that famous person, they behave like that on this huge stage. And then all the people that have tried to explain how awful they are, and people thought that, you know, you were sensitive or being judgmental, you go like, look, see, I wasn't exaggerating. It's just really hard to put into words what's wrong with this person. There's actually no real vocabulary to describe it. And then you see it and you're like, that's it. I'm not exaggerating the relief of a celebrity who might even not even be that famous. But there's enough footage where, like, that's what I was talking about. This is important, okay? I'm also, incidentally listing a lot of red flags that will change your life if you just listen up to my sermon here, okay? If a guy has a bunch of racks with nothing on them, okay? Bike rack with no bike, Surfboard rack with no surfboard. Ski rack with no skis, okay? He doesn't do any of the things that he masquerades to be doing, okay? The Bike rack with no bike. Could also be a wedding ring on your finger. This is what this guy did, okay? He gets married, but he's not willing to do the things that keep you married. And a lot of guys, I'm finding like this especially want to get married just so they can actually get more chicks. Now listen to me. I believe this guy, you know, because we spend also so much time talking about, like, gold diggers and women using men, but we don't talk about men that use women to seem cool and actually get more access. So this guy married a pop star. My guess is he wanted to get cool points, right? Like, he wanted to be like, look at me. Like, I'm. I'm such a feminist. Like, I married this, like, English girl. So English girl, I must be like, smart because they have good taste, right? I married this English girl. I'm pro. I'm. I'm with a woman who's successful. Successful, by the way, this is obviously a very deep cut because this has happened to me so many times. I'm now realizing. So it reads as like, ah, he's like, married this cool, successful girl. But I think in his mind, he's like, look, at a certain age, it's weird to be single. It's weird to be single. So if it's actually harder to get girls if you're single at 50 than if you're married at 50 to someone super cool, and then you can just call cheating poly. This is a. This is an epidemic that is happening in our country. Guys who are like, I mean, people are gonna think I'm weird if I'm not married. So I just marry a woman my age as like a front hashtag Kim Porter. And then I can be poly if you're like, oh, that's so cool. Like, if you're with her, you must. She must co sign how cool you are. And this is just a forward thinking, quirky way to keep, you know, being in love with this, like, awesome woman. Like, listen to me watching the Architectural Digest. I think I get why they got together. And it's helping me figure out why I have gotten with some people that I should had no business being in a relationship with. Because I think I know why these two got together. And as I'm watching them, it was it. I think a lot of people watch this and they see themselves in a previous relationship with an egomaniac or a narcissist or whatever. You know, I'm not diagnosing people, but, like, also kind of. So. So you see these people that are in a relationship. And I'm looking at them going, oh, I know exactly how this happened. Okay? They both got together because they thought the other was more famous than they were, right? And once you're in something with someone that sees you a certain way, that gets reinforced, and then it becomes your identity and the person kind of like. Because this can happen with any. You travel a lot, or like, you were prom queen, whatever your label is, certain people, egomaniacs, are going to sort of make it more than it actually is so that they become the solution to your problem. So I feel like what he did to her was like, you know, it's just. It must be so hard for you to meet people who aren't using you because you're so famous, you know? And, like, her energy and that was like, I'm so famous. Like, I have to be with this guy who's going to, like, protect me, you know? Like, his thing is like. Like, you're so debilitatingly famous. Like, everyone must just, like, use you. And the implication that he's not going to do that. But when someone warns you about other people doing something, it's always because they are doing it, right? And then he acts like he's more famous than. He acts like he's as famous as she actually is. And she's, like, pretending she's not, because I think she senses he needs to be more famous. And then she's like, I'm going to recoil and be less famous. Like, because he told me he diagnosed me with, like, being too famous, and that's a problem, you know? So you see them both kind of, like, playing roles that the other convinced that it's, like, very hard to know when the truth stops and starts in this video. And this is what happens when you're in your relationship like this. You're like, oh, right. Like, I'm the person. I'm the girl with the bad childhood. And he's patient with me about it. And then your childhood gets worse and worse in your mind. Really? Wait a second. No, you just, like, made that my identity. It's a. The point is, everyone has been in a relationship like this, and I feel like he picked a situation that makes him look, like, humble. Like, I can. He needs her to be as famous as possible. So he's this humble guy who can handle not being the center of attention since he's with this big pop star. He's like, well, because you're such a big pop star, you're such a big pop star. And. And he's not complimenting her. He's complimenting his ability to be with such a big pop star. Okay, so if you. Let's talk about your butt, shall we? If you are still using the dry, ashy toilet paper. I am. I hate your guts, frankly. Okay, let's, let's maybe let's not it again. I'm the person who decorates behind the tree. Even if I. I'll know. Even if no one sees it, I'll know. And when you go around to like get that present that fell, you're not going to go like, oh gosh, like it. It's. You don't have to see behind the curtain at the like anorexic dying, you know, Blair Witch Project tree in the back. Okay? You cover the whole tree with Chinese garbage to keep the magic alive. Same with your butt. Let's pretend your body's a Christmas tree. All right? We gotta take care of the parts that everybody doesn't see. And honestly, since there are very few jobs left, you're gonna have to take care of that tush because it might be the only way for you to make money very soon. Okay? Insert good wipes. Don't insert them into your butt. That's not how you use them. Okay? Good wipes are flushable plant based wipes made for the bathroom, by the way. Flushable. That flushable? You know that other wipes are not flushable. I learned that the hard way. You do not know anger till you have had a man in Tarzana, California, a road hard and put away wet plumber screaming at you because they think you flushed a wipe down the toilet in your rental. I mean, screaming at me. And he was like, did you flush a wipe? And that's such a brutal jam because it's Chris laughing is. I then had to go, no, I don't use wipes. I don't even use wipes. So I'm admitting that my butt is like semi clean. You know, like, did you flush your wipes? And I'm like, I don't wipe with anything that's hydrated. Okay. It makes a sound like when I wipe. It was a weird argument. And I still think about comebacks for him. Truly, twice a week. It's been three years. So the thing is about good wipes is they leave you feeling clean. No irritation, no. Did I get it all? Did I? If I were to go get a colonoscopy today, would the technician quit? They're 40% bigger and stronger than average wipes. You're not dealing with tearing of the Wipe. And because, I mean, look, as someone who's had a couple things tear in the last two years, I just feel like I need to make that clear. Rose water, Shea, cocoa, botanical bliss. Ah. The smells are just olfactory orgasms. You walk out feeling refreshed but not fragranced. Not like, not like you've been, you know, doused with Dollar store cologne by your dad after he cheated on your mom. You're like, I'm not the one that smells weird. They're infused with aloe, chamomile, vitamin E, with no harsh chemicals, parabens or dyes. Goodwipes.com okay, we are giving away free wipes. If you want to try free wipes, go to Target, Walmart, Kroger, or your local, go to goodwipes.com how about that? Slash, Whitney, text them your receipt and you're going to get reimbursed and get some free wipes. Goodwipes.com Whitney, keep your receipt. You heard what I said, right? Does that make sense? Right? Okay. Free wipes. They missed.
- [20:48]
Pat
They missed, but anacle.
- [20:50]
Whitney
But they did, Chris. It has a pitch. Instead of botanical. B U T T anicle, botanical, Walmart, Kroger, Target. Buy the wipe. Send your receipt to Good Wipes and you're going to get it for free. GoodWipes.com Whitney, get your. You know what to do. Your butt deserves better than this. And so do I. Frankly, every girl has dated this guy. Like the guy who's like, let's get married. And then two weeks after you've spent all this money on a wedding, you know, he's like, I'm going to cheat. So do you want to, like, open up our marriage or like, do you want it to be your. Both of our ideas, like, you know, like, this guy, we were like, wait, huh? Like the fact that a famous person, a famous guy did it, which is like, ah, it's such a relief to everybody to be able to go. He's like, David harbor. Say no more. Right? So it's tricky because, like, no one would believe that this guy was real if you dated him. If a celebrity didn't personify it and show it to everybody. Like, remember when Johnny Depp and Amber heard that trial happened? Who cares about celebrity toxic relationship? It was more like so many people were relieved to be able to see. Like, Amber heard testify. Women everywhere were like, borderline personality and narcissistic mothers were like, see, that's. I'm not crazy. That's it. There are some women that just say sentences with no regard for the sentence they said before and they. There are people who just say one thing and then in the next sentence say something that completely contradicts the thing before and has no and believes they nailed it. There's people out there that, that say things that make absolutely no sense and think that they are like a genius. And watching it was like, ah, See, there are people who believe that having no problems at all is traumatic for them. And if you were raised by someone like this or have someone like this in your life, I know so many guys who are like that. That's what that girl was like that I dated. And you're like, ah, got it. Like, there are women out there who get out of a relationship and need to act like they were victims when they were the ones cheating. I don't know what that is. There are people who need to be victims at all times. It's the only way they can get attention. You know, there are people who don't think the rules apply to them and. And there's sometimes celebrities that just show it so that you don't have to describe it and sound like you're being crazy. Like, Amber Heard wrote an op ed saying, in my marriage, this happened and this happened. And then later they were like, that didn't happen. That's. She was like, no, I didn't name him. And it was like, well, you've only been in one marriage, so you actually did. That's like very simple math. And you're like, oh, oh. Egomaniacs do. The rules don't apply to them. And they know self awareness. So when they're held accountable, they feel they're being attacked and smeared. Like, this is a smear campaign. It's like, no, the smear campaign was the stuff that you said out loud on the. On felt. People watched it. You smeared yourself, sweet pea. People like this make you realize there's a lot of people out there that, that can't get respect. Or they probably want respect, can't get it. And if they can't get respect, they'll just settle for pity because that's the only way they can have power over people. And you're not allowed to criticize them because then you're being a bully, but they're being a bully with their fake pity campaign. So that's why that was such a big deal for people, because you were able to see, oh, this person is using. Being victimized in a way to be the bully. Fine. Like, oh my God. And then they need to be like a hero. Like, you're so brave for, like, surviving a breakup with a guy who broke up with you a way you didn't want him to break up with you. Like, so having problems is. Is very in right now, you know? And rich people with no problems. I feel like, you know, they're being shamed for, like, flying private. And, like, so they have to come up with some reason that their life is hard. You know, they're like. They're like, her. Her carbon footprint is high, so she's like, oh, God, I have Lyme disease, though. But I have Lyme disease, so I can't go to a real airport. Like. Like, it's. It's so hard living in the Hamptons. Like, sometimes our gardeners don't intercept the ticks. Sometimes our inbred labradoodles don't take the brunt of the tick bites for us. Like, sometimes. Sometimes our Gucci merkins aren't enough of a barrier between the ticks and our skin. I realize this. I've snitched DNA. I have squeaky wheel DNA. I just do. I have night watcher DNA. We know this. That's what the insomniacs descended from. Night watchers. But. But I also am, like. I think I was, like, not the tribal storyteller because I can't get through a story. I get too bored. I will. I will be telling a story and be like, I can't even finish this story. I'm so bored. And it's a good. Like, I know where it's going, and I just. I'm so sick of myself. I can't. I get bored when I'm talking, so I couldn't have been that. I think I was. I evolved from the, like, the reminding people of bad news. The. The. The alarm bell. What is it?
- [26:17]
Pat
The town crier.
- [26:18]
Whitney
I did cry a lot. For sure, I would just be sobbing in the tribe. But that. But also, it's more. It's. The town crier is like, thing like, the war's coming, right? Like, bad news deliverer. I think the messenger, right? The whole deal is to be like, guys, I think this Barry is weird. Weird Berry. Like, I've been. I'm hypervigilant. It's the hypervigilant one who's like, yeah, no, The. The. The ba. The babies that ate this berry. We never saw them again. And I'm. I did the math. No. On this berry. Okay, maybe. No. That was the original cancel culture. Was like, the people I descended from being like, bad berry. The bad berry. Bad spider. Bad spider. Neon yellow spiders. Are. No eating them. Okay? Not friend. So the David Harbour, Lily Allen thing, I was like, why does everyone care so much about this? Like, you know, And I watched, I watched, I watched their dynamic. And I now understand why everybody's riveted by this. So we've all been in a toxic relationship, and I think everyone is kind of sick of just people going, well, the relationship was toxic. It's like, oh, really? Like what? Like, he. If you didn't get married and it didn't last forever, that doesn't mean it was toxic. Right. This relationship shows that exact relationship we've all been in that's like super. It's truly toxic where it's like an adrenaline addiction and, you know, maybe a little bit of a trauma bond or like the codependent, narcissistic, the human magnet syndrome thing. And this is, by the way, this is the pre Mel Robbins, okay? Mel Robbins has come along being like, let them. Let them. Like, no, we were doing let them before Mel Robbins, but we were more like, let them move into our house after a week. Let them propose with a napkin as a ring, a little tore off a napkin and be like, one day I'll get you the ring you deserve, only to find out he has fake accounts on both Snapchat and Facebook. Like, pick Elaine. Are you into high school girls? Are you into girls from your high school? Which. Which is it? So Lily Allen and David harbor girl. I think guys probably too, like, girls are shaken to our cores because, like, we've all been in this exact thing. Lily Allen, let me just back up. She's like this English, adorable, like, pixie dream girl. Like, she had some pretty serious bops, actually. I was liked her. But if a girl can pull off bangs, like, I just. I can't. I don't. I can't, like, attune to you. I put girls with bangs on, like, a pedestal. Like a girl with fairy bangs. To me, just any girl with bangs is a celebrity. I'm like, oh, my God. Hi. Like, oh. Like, if she's got that fringe, I'm like, oh, my God, can I get a photo? Like, oh, my God. Like, it's so. If a girl has bangs, I'm just like, I'm just like a fan, you know? I need to figure out how to get bangs because I don't get Botox anymore. So. But the point is, like, if you have bangs, I know we're not gonna vibe because you're the type of person who thinks everything's gonna work out. Like, you're like, Oh, I have to get my bangs trimmed every week. Like, oh, I'll find Con. What? Lily Allen is like, she's got that, like, English thing. Like, I'm so twee. Like, I collect tea kettles. She's basically like if a person were a teapot, like, is her vibe. And like, I'm a sexy cupcake, which is, you know, she's got like, skirts and bows and like, she's like a human labubu. Like, just as cute. She's just as cute as a button. She's a button with legs. And that does throw me off. Like, girls that are like, I dress like a baby, it's okay, you know, I'm Rapunzel. Like, no, I like that vibe. And I'm jealous because I can't do that. I'm too tall. Like, if I, if I dressed like that, like, look, I'm just too big. I would look like Tim Burton did a movie about the Morton Salt girl. Like, you know, attacking villages. Like, you know, I can't do. I'm just too big. You know, if I try to wear like a cute outfit with, like puffy sleeves and like a dress, I just look like I. I work at a children's theme park or like a sexual haunted house for poly people. Like, I don't. It's not like, cute. It's like, questionable. There's two kinds of girls. There's Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn. And I. I don't think I've ever said this theory on this podcast. So. So Audrey is cute, feminine, she can wear short skirts. And that's not this guy. I'm a Katherine Hepburn. Okay? That Katherine Hepburn. If you're a Catherine, you're tall. Everyone thinks you're trans. You know, I've personally wore a three piece suit since I was like four years old. Like, it's just when there's like a rat in the house, people are like, whitney, you got it. I'm like, I guess, like, I don't. It's like you have exterminator energy. A little one is like Polly Pocket, and the other one is just a lot of pockets. Like, cargo pants guy. Like, that's me. So she's an Audrey, I'm a Catherine, but I still love her. So people were sending me stuff about David Harbour and Lily Allen. Like, what do you think about this? And I watched her Architectural Digest and which I'm obsessed with these, like, slides. Celebrities giving home tours. Because it is so funny to watch the richest people in the world think they're relatable and they're like, oh, my God. And this is like. This is like, where I put the toys. Like, I have a baby. So there's, like, toys everywhere. And you see just like a two toys that are just, like, beige, that are like, also match the house perfectly. And you're like, it's, like, such a mess in here. Like, you know, you also watch them for the first time, like, open the drawers in their house and be like. They're like, it's like, it's watching someone find out where all this stuff in their house that only their cleaning lady uses. Like, they're like, what's behind this door? Like, oh, this is where the laundry room is. You're like, you're just finding that out on your Architectural Digest tour. Babe, babe. This one was a particularly brutal watch. And David Harbour and Lily Allen did it together, which is truly mental. Any guy that's like, yeah, I'll join it. Anyway, so he's in her Architectural Digest as far as I'm concerned. And I think that she's kind of trying to make herself small for him. Like, she's trying to, you know, not be the breadwinner. And it's sort of like, let he. Like, he designed it. And she kind of let him. Or, I don't know, she's letting him in so that he doesn't feel emasculated. The whole thing is just very weird. As someone who has, like, done these before, I don't really know anyone who's been like, hey, can the pop star's husband who's on a TV show join the tour? Like, you're like, no. Okay, so, like, some. Some's already up. Okay, just to be clear, the energy of this video is that she looks like she's stuck in a dollhouse and there's a local mall Santa holding her captive. That's the energy. And it's supposed to be them, like, giving a tour. And the whole video becomes him bogarting the video. And him basically trying to let everyone know that he has no respect for her whatsoever. Could not care less about even her, tending to love her. And honestly, like, I watched this video. I'm like, dude, just get on a dating app and do this in private. Like, don't do this. Like, he's letting us know, like, I'm on the market. I'm available. She does what I say. Like, I am not committed to this woman whatsoever. Like, the vibe is that. That he's trying to, like, charm everyone and be funny. Like, he opens the door saying, like, hell are you Acting as if it's an ex lover. I mean, ambushing him. Last time I was single and I was living on the Lower east side. I have a family now. Kids. No one. No one was like, hey, should we do another take? That's not that. Like, he was like, hey, what are you doing here? I have a family and kids. You look good, though. Like, it's like, wrong bit, wrong bit, wrong bit. If you're gonna do a corny bit, be making out with your wife and be like, oh, you're early. Like, you know, that's a bad pitch, but he would think that was hilarious. Like, do that. Do a. You know what? If you're gonna improvise a bit in the beginning of your home tour of a home that your celebrity wife paid for, make the bid about maybe her and not some imaginary. She's like, can my bangs cover my eyes? Like, maybe that's why she has to have bangs all the time, just to cover the expressions on her forehead that are just of pure horror and embarrassment. So. So then that. Okay, fine. Bad joke. Fine. And then the tour proceeds to. I cannot stand when guys try to pretend they're single with their body language. When they're with their wife or girlfriend, when it's just like, well, I'm not, like, with her. Like, they look like a design team showing the house. Like, they're both so far away from each other. She's truly looks cold, frankly. And there's no chemistry whatsoever. And he's just roasting her the entire time, not only, like, rolling his eyes at the camera, like. Like, it is so uncomfortable. And again, this is important in a bigger picture, because this man, we all know this guy, and this is the man men need to care about this, because this is the guy that ruins it for the rest of you. This is the man that ruins it for every other man. Just like how girls that, like, really believe in astrology ruin it for all women. And we have to be like, okay, we're not all like. Like, let me look at the planets before I decide if, you know, I'm gonna ovulate or not. Like, every girl you date, guys has dated this guy. And we all carry, like, a weird wound because they're so good at making you feel like you're just being sensitive and you're no fun. Like, that's it. Like, he's fun. Like, I'm fun. You all know this guy. David harbor is that guy who, like, if you don't like him or if you don't get along with him, you're just not fun. Okay? I cannot tell you how many times I've been in this situation where people are like, whitney, how come you don't like him? Like, what's wrong? And I'm like, dude, I. Everything he says is an insult. I'm just. I'm trying to not talk to him, and then the guy just can't. And it's like, the whole thing is you're not fun if you don't let me harass you with terrible jokes, okay? And if you. And if you say something, you're the bummer. We all know this guy, dude. We. He's the guy where everything is a joke to him. And if you don't laugh, you don't get comedy. We've got to do something about this type of guy or at least get a name for this type of guy, because I feel like it's. What. It's the weirdest. If a guy, like, just is like a jerk and cheats on you, that's like, you know what that is. But when it's this kind of guy where like, like, everyone loves him because he's so charismatic, but you're the one that couldn't make it work, that's the thing that does damage. This is the garden room. We have this double sided sofa, which means David and I can argue and sort of be looking at each other and then face away at the same time. Jones Road Beauty. I love this stuff. Okay, so I'm in Atlanta, so I don't have my Jones Road, like, products with me. But Pat, have I ever. Basically, for any companies that have sponsored the podcast, been like, can I get some. Like, I was a get me that. I like, sent screen grabs from the website. Jones Road is one of my favorite companies. But look, my thing is the best makeup. You don't look like you're wearing a lot of makeup. That's the idea. Right? But most makeup is like, I'm like, do you make this in the same factory as the grout? Like, is this the. Is this the fast dry nail polish factory? And you guys are just throwing in some foundation in that? Because why do I look like a piece of old cake? Because I am a fresh, young chicken. That's not it. Spring chicken. Are there winter chickens? I. Why do I look like a winter chicken? I want to be a spring chicken. All right. Jones Road Beauty. It's quick. It's. It's that got patience, natural glow. Instead of a full face looking like a fossil. Okay. You should not look like a piece of fossilized wood. You shouldn't look like driftwood after you put your makeup on. But there is this thing I'm called miracle bomb. You put it on your fingers, you tap it on your cheeks. I put on my eyelids, like, even on my lips. I'm not even wearing lipstick anymore. I don't use it. I don't need it. Because for the first time in my life, because of this miracle bomb, my lips are actually hydrated. Okay? They don't look like steel wool anymore. They don't look like the sheep that got lost in the woods. Okay? They look delicious. Starting November 6th, they're dropping their most giftable holiday collection yet at Jones Road Beauty. Five limited edition trios. I have the trios that you put on your eyelids. And by the way, that's the other thing. They. It's. It goes in your eyelid and your lip and your cheek. That's how makeup supposed to be. What's this whole thing where our cheeks and our eyelids are two totally different genres is why are your cheeks pink and your eyelids are blue and your lips are red? Like, what is that? What? Pick a lane. Everyone, like, everyone needs your. Your face should look like it's all in the same movie or like the general same vibe. You don't just get to paint your face and then you turn your face sideways and you look like a Neapolitan ice cream. Is it Neapolitan or Neapolitan? Why wouldn't it just be Napoleon? If something was named after Napoleon, like an ice cream, I'd be like, that.
- [39:34]
Pat
Would be the short drumstick.
- [39:35]
Whitney
It'd be a short drumstick. Be a tiny little popsicle. This holiday season, simplify your routine with makeup that's clean, strategic, and multifunctional. Don't miss those limited edition sets. As a treat for our listeners, you're going to get a free cool gloss on your first purchase when you use the Code Whitney at Checkout Jones road beauty.com and use code Whitney. Also, the packaging is like, you know, I'm a sucker for packaging, so good. Revolve. Okay, so my fall closet needed a glow up. I mean, look, the shirts from gas stations, I mean, they've served their purpose. Okay? The jeans from swap meets still wear them to the ranch. But it's time to kind of like slowly ease into being a, like a glamorous dame. Like, I'm going for, like, dame energy. Do you know what I mean? Hell yeah. Like, I don't. I'm done trying to be relatable. I'm done trying to, like, it doesn't work. It just makes people go in your comment section and like, just be like, you know what I mean? But like, to me, I think that I'm gonna start dressing. I'm gonna revolve is where I'm gonna get all my clothes from now on because now I can afford them because we have a promo code. And I'm just gonna be like, like if I just dress like elevated, like there's this like, like date night dress, like knit set and I would put boots with it so that like, if someone's gonna be like, yeah, busted pig. I'm gonna be like, I need to dress as if my comment section is incorrect. That's my new goal. Because the way that I'm present myself, the comment section seems kind of, frankly, they just seem accurate. So I'm going to use this as an opportunity to make you guys look like silly gooses for having the nerve to say that I dress like a blind hillbilly. Okay, now what on revolve. There's over 1200 brands, a hundred thousand styles, lovers and friends is a brand Norma Kamali, which I can pronounce super down. Free people. Free people. And it's basically free with my promo code. Okay, New arrivals daily include for those who of us who have OCD who are like now what now what? What's next today? What's my personality now? That's why I was yesterday. Knit skirt guy was yesterday and today's knit score guy add to cart. Revolve.com Whitney shop my edit and take 15. Take 15% off your first order with code Whitney. Fast two day shipping, easy returns. The only place you need to shop. Revolve.com Whitney to get 15% off with code Whitney. The offer ends November 14th. So hoof it.
- [42:30]
Experian Ad Voice
It's okay not to be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help. Did you know you can get matched with credit cards on the app? Some cards are labeled no ding decline, which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit scores. Download the Experian app for free today. Applying for no ding decline cards won't hurt your credit scores. If you aren't initially approved, initial approval will result in a hard inquiry which may impact your credit scores.
- [42:58]
Whitney
Experian. So we can close these doors and he can sit in here and sleep or watch television till 2 o' clock in the afternoon? Yes, classic me. I know I'm talking about something that seems insignificant. Way too much. But this is so crucial because David Harbour Just put a face to the guy that gives all men a bad name and that all women have a weird wound for. Because he's the kind of guy that everybody loves. Your mom loves him, your dad loves this. Everyone loves him who's met him for, like, an hour. But if you've been in a relationship with him, he's truly the worst and has convinced you that you're not fun or cool or chill. And you spend the rest of your life being like, am I not fun? Like, do I not. I'm just. Why am I such a stick in the mud? Like, it leaves this weird damage like that. So this is how you know you're dating or. Or have, like, a David harbor in your life. Okay? He's the guy who, like, for Halloween, like, his. His decorations are inappropriate. Like, he's the guy who's like, takes a skeleton and puts another skeleton on top of it. Like, they're having intercourse and on his lawn. And you're just like, dude, what are you doing? Like, this is for kids. Like, it's not like, everything is a joke to this guy. And. And this is the guy who also. He just won't grow up and needs to be in control of you at all times and make sure that the default in your hangs is humiliation. So this is the guy who. He has theme parties. Like, his birthdays always have a theme. He's like, it's this 80s is 80s theme party. My birthday this year, 80s. And it's like. Like, it sounds fun, but then you're like, hold on. Did you just, like, give me homework for your party? Like, I gotta go buy it and plan. Like, I gotta go. Like, get to the thrift store in order to have fun with this guy. Like, there's always, like, Mad Max theme. And you're like, oh, he's so fun. And then you're like, I have to go buy boots. It's always a costume nobody has. So they. So it's an Egyptian theme party. And you're like, what? And you show up, and he's like, hi. And you're like, ah, this feels weird, but I guess I'm just not fun. He's grown man costume guy. Grown man costume guy seems fun, but it's truly not. It's. You know what? It's kind of a sneaky way to make being an alcoholic somewhat less dark, you know? And, like, more like, I'm just, like, silly. Like. And it's about control. Everything this guy does is about just, like, controlling other people and figuring out how to humiliate them in public. Like, I'm going to control what you wear. Since it's my party. I've had plenty of time to think about this, but most people just were, like, coming from work and had to, like, throw something on. And then there's, like, a surprise, like, contest, and you're like, oh, I didn't win the contest. Like, I didn't. Now I feel like I. I'm leaving a loser. Like, I. Like, this guy wants to make you feel like a loser, okay? And here's the other thing. He makes it so no one gets to look cool. No one gets to look cool at my party. Okay? You don't get. No one's going to outshine me at my party. You. You pick a costume that only you look cool in, and then everyone else doesn't show up. Just like. Like, look like dopes at your party. You know, it is. This is classic theater. Kid bullying, Making adults wear humiliating costume. He's the guy that, when a car cuts him off, he has to, like, look at who did it. Like, he has to, like, see who cut him off. And then no matter who it is, he goes, of course. Of course. You're like, which, huh? Like, he's the guy who, when he eats, he eats with his fork like this. Like, like, upside down. Like. Like, well, like, oh. Like, you're so feral. Like, you're so. Like. Like, the subtext is like, I'm just a CRO Magnon. I'm just, like, an animal. I mean, don't expect me to play by the rules. Like, you know what you're signing up for. It's like, okay, sick. He's a guy who, like, eats apples with a. Like, a sharp knife, and he, like, cuts one piece and, like, eats it off the knife. And you're like, okay. Oh, you're so dangerous. Like, okay. Oh. Like, are living on the edge. Like, I don't. Like, he saw, like, Marlon Brando do it, and I was just like. Like, can I have my knife back? I'm truly cooking dinner. Like, I need that back. Like, are you done with your monologue? Like, has Iceman cometh yet? Like, the hats with dreadlocks. Like, he'll, like, wear it and be like, guys, you're, like, weird. Like, everything is a performance for this guy. Everything is a. He's in a movie that no one else signed up to watch. Like, he's got the gym. Who has, like, a gallon of water that he carries around but never drinks it. Like, it's like, a gallon of water. And, like, he'll leave it there. So someone's like, is this yours? Like, someone that's like, bring it to him and like, get a sciatica. Being like, is, I think this is yours. He say, all right, sorry, I forgot my melted glacier. There's the hydration. Theater. Everything's theater for this guy. Like, he's doing something for an audience at all times at the expense of anybody that he is with. Like, this is the guy who, while in a conversation with you, he's playing invisible sports. So you're trying to have a conversation with him and he's just, you know, like playing like, like baseball or, you know, he's just like golfing. He's got a, like a pull up bar in his bedroom in the door. You're like, okay, I guess. Protein powder on top of the fridge. That is, I mean, never been touched or frankly opened. If you try to move it. Like, you're like trying to put a leash on me, you know, the protein powder, it's all like gorilla heart, gorilla blood, dinosaur skull creatine. He's the guy who makes the waiter list all the beers and, like, makes a face at them when he does. Like, or like, he makes the waiter give all the specials just to be like, he knows what he wants, but he kind of just wants him to mess up. Or like when he, when the waiter gets all the specials right, he's like, wow. But he's also the guy who calls the waiter boss. Like, what's up, boss? And the waiter's like, I'm never going to be anyone's boss. Like, I'm truly cool, though. Like, cool a guy that, like, pretends to respect somebody else but is actually just rubbing it in that he's beneath him in some way. You know, like, oh, he's the guy who will, like, he will try to find a way to make you feel embarrassed and insecure in every moment. Like, he's the guy who, like, can't believe you haven't seen a movie. You know, he's like, wait, you haven't seen Goonies? And you're like, no, I just. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. You have never seen Goony? And you're like, no. And guys, she never seen Goonies. And you're like, I don't know what this is. Like, what am I, am I supposed to feel bad? Am I supposed to be embarrassed? Like, I, I don't. Do I have to just. Am I supposed to be embarrassed that you're pretending to be shocked by this? Like, I don't. Yeah, You're. Are you better than me? Like, it's like a. Trying to make you feel dumb. And he's also the same person that will just pretend that, like, Bob Dylan is a genius but can't name one song. Like, oh, my God, David harbor is the guy that. He will say, a beautiful woman, but maybe not traditionally socially constructed. Beautiful. Is beautiful, but wants, like, points for it. Like, he wants, like, he's the kind of guy that'll be like, you know, hot take. I think, like, Julianne Moore is gorgeous, and you're like, that's not a hot take. You don't deserve a purple heart. She, like, is gorgeous. She's a stunning. She's an unearthly genetic marvel. But, yeah, you are such a feminist. You're such a saint for being into a girl with freckles. Like, oh, he's just. I can't. This guy dude. He's the guy that, like, on vacation, first day, he gets really sunburned and thinks it's hilarious, but it just, like, ruins the trip for everyone. Like, it's like, I'm sober, I'm sunburned, I can't move. And you're, like, this sick, right? And they. He made fun of you for bringing out the sunscreen. Like, I'm not wearing sunscreen. Sunscreen's worse for you than the sun. Like, cool. This is the guy who. He misses a belt loop but doesn't fix it, setting a trap for you to be like, oh, you missed a belt loop. He's like, why were you looking? You're like, okay. Exhausting. The guy that just makes you so exhausted that you just are like, it's easier to just be my fault. I'll just make it my fault. Like, I'm uptight. I'm no fun. But, like, you just. Oh. At every turn, he wants to embarrass you. Like, if you're talking about a movie, he's like, spoiler alert. You're like, no, it came out two months ago. We're not all gonna not talk about it because you have. I'm not a jerk. Because spoiler alert. Like, you're never gonna see it because you're never gonna let something else be the center of attention. Let's just be honest, right? I'm so, like, deeply obsessed with the fact that this kind of person has been brought to light. The same way that when Amber Heard was on tv, I was like, oh, that's the only way I know how to describe this person now. Like, thank you for making this person, like, clear so that everyone's like, oh, it's like a David Harbour type. You know, this person, you're basically just doing this power move to make everybody as distracted as possible so that they can't nail the conversation. It's a person who is a bully by thinking they're funny. And it's always like, if you get sensitive, it's like, well, it was just a joke. Like every insult, if it didn't land or if the person didn't fake laugh at the way he insulted you, he's like, it's just a joke. And you're like, like he's. This is. David Harbour is gag gift guy. Gag gift. Even in a gift, he can't. He'll give you a present, but it's like a pillow. That's the poop emoji. And you're like, thanks. Oh, thank you so much. This is so funny. Like when he. Even when he gives you a gift, he gives you like a chore, like trash. And you have to put it out or something. Oh, you're not gonna put it out. Every time he comes over, he's like, where's the. Okay. What? Okay. No, no. Fine. All right. This guy doesn't have guy friends. You know that it's always a. Like be in my bonnet when a girl doesn't have girlfriends because they're not self aware and they've never been held accountable. Same with if guys don't have guy friends. Like, this is not a guy that I feel like guys like either. So this, this guy, he might have guy friends, but they're more like just sort of cronies. Like, it's the guy who still calls his friends by their high school nicknames even though they're all 45. You know, like, oh, this is Nick, but we call him Lardo. What's up, Lardo? And it's like he got this stomach stapling surgery. Like he's actually finally healed from being an overweight kid. Lardo, Come on down, Lardo. Like, he's like, this is John. We call him Virgin head. Well, he's 50 and he has two kids and you love nobody. So I feel like, oh, like it's. Oh, God. Oh, God. I. He loves no country for Old Men. Loves that movie. And I don't even. He's the guy that's like, thinks David lynch is a genius. And you're like, I can't. Because I can't argue why. It's too. It's like, well, if you don't get it, you don't get it. But you don't get it either. You don't get it either. And you're not going to explain to me why I should get. It's someone who wants to call you dumb, but when you ask them to help you understand, they're like, if. If you don't get it, there's no point in it's. You can't. But you don't know. Just like, I. This is someone. Oh, God, this guy drives me nuts, dude. He has a rack on his car for things, but the things aren't in the rack. Bike rack, surfboard, rack, but no surfboard or no rack. Like, so I'm supposed to think, what, like the bike's getting fixed? Like, I have to like, figure out what all these racks are for. So, ah, guys that need to be the center of attention, they love being with girls who are the center of attention. And then they get in there and they go like, oh, no, I'm gonna pretend. You know what? I'll step in the limelight to protect you from it. Because, like, you don't. This is. This isn't good for you. So you know what? I don't like being the center of attention, but I'll just, I'll jump on this grenade. And that's like the dynamic is like, I'm. I'm going to become more famous, even though I don't want to for you. So that you don't have to be. And you don't even have to be an actor or singer to like, have been in this dynamic. But everybody, like, knows what this is. So. Look, I know he was in Stranger Things. I know people love that show, but honestly, I could have told you he worked with child actors just by his behavior. He. He behaves like someone who has been hanging out with kids all day who are paid to laugh at his jokes. Like, that's exactly the, like, his energy is exactly the confidence that comes from being looked up to by kids who are kind of like uncomfortable between takes, like, laughing, like, oh, this is like, this would be like a birthday clown leaving a kids party and then going to hang out with adults and like giving them balloon animals and like, thinking he's crushing. Like, it's like, dude, no one is impressed by what you're doing, but we have to laugh because we're uncomfortable. And I think another reason I'm going on this so long is because my biggest fear in life is being this person. My biggest fear in life is being like, wait, am I bullying people into laughing at me? Or is it so clear that I need this attention so badly that people are just placating me, like, so. By the way, you know, did you watch Stranger, Stranger Things? Pat? It's like a full t job to like, watch some of these shows, right? So. But the girl in that, Millie Bobby Brown, she did file complaints about him, I think like a year ago. And it's not anything physical, it's just like harassment. And I think like, I'd rather get pinched in the tush at this point by a guy on set than have someone force me to laugh, hold me captive to laugh at his jokes. Like, we all know this guy. He's the guy who, like, every time you see him at work, he introduces himself like, hey, Mark, nice to meet you. You're like, why no one's even around to see this. Or like, you see him, he's like, finally we're alone. And you're like, what, we can just walk past each other? Like, we don't have to do any of this, you know, like, it's just like, oh, God. He's probably also back massage, you know, back massage guy at work who's like, ah, just giving people back massages they didn't ask for. They're like, ah, your tape, buddy. Ah, like, thanks. I don't know, I just. Look, I said it before and I think another reason that I can't stop thinking and talking about this is because he might be every troll. I said it, I said it. He's a lot of people's ex and he has a lot of people, probably every politician, frankly. But he's also a lot of, like, you see him say something mean, that's not funny, but like, he is just trying to really make people laugh at someone's expense. Fine. I think this is everyone in our comment section too. Like, and like, he made some bloviating. Like he was just rambling about something about their, about their bedroom. And he's like, it's like a cocoon that we're in and it's warm and cozy and. And then Lily Allen goes our bed womb. And he just, he looked at the camera and then went.
- [59:26]
Pat
It is cool when you design a room with no windows in it though, because I think what you have to do is highlight that feature. And what you do is you make the bedroom just a place for couple activities, you know, and so you just make it very, you know, like a cocoon almost. And these are the pocket doors that come in.
- [59:49]
Whitney
Now it's a bed womb. This guy, like, it was the only clever thing that was in the Whole thing. And he's like. And so it's important to know that, like, this is something that has become, like, fashionable and acceptable to do to sort of the whatever behavior version of like. Like that. Look, jokes that aren't funny are either lies or insults. And now everyone thinks they're hilarious. And everyone's got a joke and a meme and a quip and whatever. If your joke isn't funny, it's just an insult or a lie. They say the number one way to know that if a couple's gonna break up is if they make fun of each other at each other's expense in front of other people. Right? Or, like, and even if you do have a problem, even if your person did do something legitimately, like, rude, you go. You wait to the car and go, what was that? Like, you don't fight in front of other people. So I just feel like this, like, girls in their 20s, like, just save yourself being in this relationship and just watch this ad video, and you know exactly who to avoid. But there's something so messed up about the David harbor. Because, like, that. That was my kryptonite. Like, that kind of. That kind of guy. The kind of guy that made me, like, question, like, you know, like, why are you being so crazy? Why are you being so sensitive? Like, that was funny. What's wrong with you? You're a comedian. You should find something, like, funny. You know, if someone makes a joke or, like, oh, God forbid someone not be as funny as you. Like, even if it's a bad joke, why care? Like, it gets you so in your head. I just want everyone to know. No one. No. It's like when guys, you know, at Thanksgiving, it's coming up when you guys play football in the yard. Like, too much, too hard. Like, no one's drafting you. Bill Belichick isn't there, like, scouting? Just, like, play. Just, like, play football. But, like, don't, like, keep your Achilles in the right, you know, joint. Be a funny. Be entertaining. But, like, no, like, Netflix isn't, like, listening over the Alexa. Like, hey, hey, I just heard that conversation. Like, let's. You know what? You're up. Tony Hinchcliffe's not gonna pop out from under the table at Chili's and be like, you, buddy, you were so mean to your wife. We're calling you up. Kill Tony. Tor, we need you, man. No one is gonna be like, dude, did you see David Harbour roasting his wife? Dude, we should, like, put him on the Tom Brady roast. Like, no. No one wants this from You. No one care. Why does everyone need to be funny? Like, I can't. Comics aren't. We're not even that funny when we're not on stage. Why would anyone want to be funny if they don't absolutely. Like, when people want to be funny, I'm like, Jesus. Like, do we make this look like such a walk in the park? Do we make this look like this is. I mean, the people that are funny for a living. I mean, truly, half of them are, like, need to be in a facility. Like, this is not. I don't know. What can we bring back? Lying? Can we just bring it back just a tiny bit? Can we. Like, this whole authenticity movement has not gone well. I'm just being authentic. This is my truth. Can we just go back to just being the pretending you're the best version of whatever you are if you know. He's got Oakley's too. He's like, oakley guy. He's Oakley guy. He's got. Oh, he's got those. Anything to just have everyone's attention at all times, like wearing Oakley. So when I look at you, I have to also stare at myself and be self conscious because I just look like. Like I was stung by a bee while I'm just trying to talk. I don't even. Oh, God, he's got the shoes with the fingers cut out. The toe shoes. This is the guy who, like, has all these. This equipment for some trip that's. Or some endeavor that's not. Ha. Why? Oh, so the toe shoes. Oh, yeah. Well, I do. I do mud runs every now and then. So I just put. And you're like, cool. Like, I gotta know about that. I got. He's like the guy who shows up to a barbecue, but he's in, like, spandex pants and, like, shorts. And you're like, oh, what's this for? Like, it makes you think you should be doing more. Like, it makes you want. Like, oh, do you have to be somewhere? Like, he's dressed as if he has something afterwards that. So everyone has to, like, be on eggshells of, like, wasting his time. Like, I. This is the guy that, like, forces everyone to do a shot. Like, come on, you're doing a shot. No, you're doing a shot. Come on. Oh, you're sober. Okay. Like, he's that guy. I'm bullying you, but I'm fun, so it's for your own good. And then you're like, why am I so uptight? Truly, all of my insecurities about myself come from dating guys like this. They're like, I'm so uptight. I'm so judg. I talk too much. That's the other thing. I just, like, talk too much. Because this is the guy that's like, are you done? How are you done? Okay, I'm listening. This guy who's like, I'm listening. Go ahead. Like, anyway. Could this be from the Internet? This is my other big question. I don't want to just slam this guy, but the Internet, like, is this a trend that it's. It's. I feel like people like this are more and more like, what if he wasn't always like this? Like, what if. What if we all just spend too much time on the Internet? So it's like, we all think everyone just wants comedy all the time. And, like, there's this, like, jab culture. Like, jab, jab, jab, jab. Like, we have this new jab culture where everyone's just like, rose, like, people will do it to me. And I'm like, what? Are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this? Like, does not. I don't. They're like, but you're going to love it. Like, I don't. Like, it could be Internet culture becoming irl or. Or, oh, Pat. It could also be. And I'm trying to defend him here or give him an excuse for his behavior. His publicist should listen to this because maybe you should, like, run with this one. Which is an excuse I would buy is like, well, I was always told, you should marry your best friend. I cannot stand that. Like, I can't. You're not my friend. You're not my best friend. You're not my best friend sees things that my person is never going to see. That's the whole point of a best friend. You hold my hair when I puke. You Google my ex with me to make sure that they're, like, bald. Like, you don't. I don't. My guy's not going to do anything with me that my best friend is going to do with me. Okay? This is. Best friends can roast each other, right? You don't roast your person. Your marriage is not a yo mama contest. That's not what we're doing. And as someone who makes and writes jokes for a living, like, I promise you the joke will never be worth it about your person. Like, it is. Look, I know being in a relationship is humiliating. It's embarrassing. And when you're around people and you're with your person, you're like, I'm just in love. I'M just. I'm just gonna be with this person and commit. Like, I mean, it's embarrassing. And there is an instinct just like, yeah, well, because, you know, I just had to settle, like, this guy. Like, it's. It's. You're trying to manage the embarrassment around the vulnerability of feeling silly that you believe in love or commitment. Because it is truly, like, ridiculous. It's like. It's like going to a Halloween party, being super dressed up, and just being like, I had to dress up. Well, you have to kind of go like mine own. This is ridiculous. But, you know, it now seems weak to love someone. It seems weak. And I. I worry about this in society. I worry that there's a little bit. There was something. There's an article. I think it's coming out in the New York Times. Or maybe it did it already. It's called, like, the Embarrassment of Having a Boyfriend. Like, if you're a woman and you have a boyfriend, it's just like, you know, it's just he's Mr. Right now, not Mr. Right. Like, we're all kind of trying to, like, get ahead of heartbreak or get ahead of the failure of a relationship, in a way. And I don't know, maybe this is what he's doing or like it. He is charming, and he is. You know, I know people, like, it's just charm. It's this. Okay, charm and charisma, we know is a red flag. This is basically just like a TED Talk for girls in their twenties. Charm and charisma is a red flag. You develop charm and charisma as a reaction to, like, neglect and abuse as a child and to be able to, like, beguile neighbors and strangers to take care of you because your parents aren't like. I literally had to become charming as a kid so I could get a ride home from school. Like, that's what you end up doing. So it is a way to try to make people laugh so that you feel that you're safe and in control of everybody. And it's a way to make people like you instead of just behaving like the person who would naturally become liked. Right. It's like, I'm just going to, like, like, act like a person who would deserve to be liked instead of just be the person who will eventually earn being liked. And I just. The main thing here is I'm. I'm coping with the fact that it's not the end of this man. It's, quite frankly, just the beginning. He will keep going. His men like this women like this, too. They can't. They can't fade away. They can't learn a lesson. This guy's kind of like Hudda on Love Island. That's another example of a recent person who was like, we've all dated that person or we've all been friends with that person. You know, men and women like this, they can't just fade away. They can't just go like, ah, I flew too close to the sun. That's not how it works. It's always like, the only way for this man to truly feel whole is to start a cult. So I'm actually like, can't wait to watch the documentary in 10 years about whatever this cult is that is. I feel like it's going to be an acting school. Am I wrong? It's going to, like, David Harbour thespians. This is what I'm going to get flack on from this podcast episode is that people are going like, oh, but it was an open. Like, she said it was an open relationship. Like, I'm not judging the open. That's not even my. The cheating or whatever. That's not even my problem with this guy. It's the way, even if he never cheated, I have a problem with this relationship because of the way that he talks to her in front of other people is so annoying. Because I also think there's this little thing that's like, well, I'm a feminist and, like, she should be able to take it. She's a strong woman and she can, like, take it. Like, there's all these little defenses where you can't. You can't pin it down because there's a good defense for everything that he is doing. And it just really grinds my gears. Okay? Just the. The sheer audacity, that's what gets me is someone that is, like, thought to be audacious. The things I think I have a healthy fear of the right thing. So this guy cheating on a famous woman, the level of arrogance, like that is a level of magical thinking and a gambling addiction that I cannot even begin to fathom. The idea that you're like, well, people will keep my secrets. Like. Like, I'm the invincibility. This person is so deep. Snitch DNA, it's a bad berry. This guy's a bad egg. Like, I. This guy's a pro. And everything that he's saying that is supposed to make us think he's good is the exact reason this guy's fishy. Okay? This is a guy that wants to marry a famous woman. So he can let everyone know. Like, this woman could have had anyone, and she picked me. And she's, like, top of the stock. Would you call it Grade A Choice Meet? And that's not enough for me. Like, I can treat her like trash, like I've got her, but I still want you because you're even better than her. Like, it's like. Oh, God, it's, like, so strategic. It's driving me nuts. Okay. Anyway, I've got to stop, Pat. I gotta stop. I'm gonna finish eating this blueberry pie. Last thing. Last thing is, why does it bother me that they got married in Vegas in 8 at in n Out? Married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. And then they went to In N Out? Why does that bother me?
- [71:48]
Pat
I think it's because when you do that, you don't necessarily need to have the ceremony in front of all of your friends and family and people close to you for them to really soak in the fact that you are a married couple.
- [72:02]
Whitney
Wow. That's genius. I didn't even think of that. But I remember one time, Kevin Christie said to me, I was like, yeah, but why have a big wedding? Like, why can't I just, like, elope or whatever when I was engaged? He goes, the wedding's not. The wedding is so that all your friends see it and hold you accountable. It's so that all your friends are like, yeah, no, no, no. We didn't go to Florida for your wedding. For you to flirt with your coworker. You know what I mean? It's like letting all your friends know, like, help me stay in this kind of thing. I mean, you go off and do it in secret. You're pretending it's like, well, our love is so real that, like, we don't have to have this big party. Which is basically your way of saying, like, I don't want all my friends to know about this. Because a big party would mean they don't know. But you're doing it under the guise of, like, well, not going to spend all this money on this ridiculous wedding. Because it's just about our love. It's just about our secret love. But what else bothers me about it is that we know about it. Why didn't you just go to Vegas with an Elvis impersonator and then go to in and Out? If it's just about you guys, like, why do we know about it? Like, you're trying to make me think that it's all about your love, which is why I think it's like, there's something fishy. M. Like, everything. When you point one finger at others, you point three at yourselves. I. I think it rubbed me the wrong way, because, Pat, I think you know this. I got engaged last week.
- [73:21]
Pat
Congratulations.
- [73:25]
Whitney
That was a long pause. Thank you. And I don't know how to tell anybody.
- [73:33]
Pat
Well, you could start. You know, you could tell me right now, and maybe people listening will know.
- [73:37]
Whitney
I'm like, so how do you keep it a secret? How did David harbor keep it a secret? They just went Vegas. So how do they. Okay, so in and out is a certain place that, like, doesn't have any photos and, like, it just happens. No, I'm, like, embarrassed to even talk about it, and I'm just trying to, like, get it out of the way. But I was actually surprised. I have to kind of, like, own that afterwards. Like, he. It was just. I don't know what to do. It's so awkward. You're kind of like, okay, cool, now what? And I was like, should we go to dinner or something? Of course he had, like, no plan afterwards. And as soon as he got the ring on, he's like, I never have to try to impress you again. And then I was like, well, should we, like, go get dinner or something? And he was like, yeah, yeah. Should we go to Pizza Hut?
- [74:22]
Pat
Did you pass the test?
- [74:23]
Whitney
I. Oh, was I being tested?
- [74:26]
Pat
I mean, yeah. You propose marriage to somebody and ask them to go to Pizza Hut, and you know right away if they are taking it too seriously or if they're willing to go to Pizza Hut with you or if they know you're joking.
- [74:42]
Whitney
Never. He's never pitched Pizza Hut ever before that. Yeah, it's never.
- [74:47]
Pat
But did you go. But did you guys go to Pizza Hut?
- [74:49]
Whitney
No, I haven't spoke to him since.
- [74:51]
Pat
Oh, okay, so you took it too seriously.
- [74:53]
Whitney
Also, Pizza Hut's not our thing. Like, it's not an inside joke. Like, we've never talked about it before. Like, it was just not a. Like, I. It's. Here's. Here's how I know I'm in love. Because I've. You know, you don't know you're in love until you act a different way than you've always acted with everybody else. And you're like, why am I so sensitive? Like, why do I care about this? And you're like, oh, I think I'm just, like, in love. I guess it's just coming through right now with being engaged, where I'm like, hold on. Like, can. Can any of us. I would, like to just give permission to anyone listening. Like, it's okay to have dignity and integrity in a tradition or ritual At a time where it seems like everything is a farce, like, things are allowed to be sacred. Like, I feel like everything became idiocracy. Candyland. When do you think, Pat? Like, when in your estimation, did nothing become sacred? Everything all of a sudden became a game, a farce, a performance, a. The idea of taking anything seriously, like, just meant you're dumb.
- [76:00]
Pat
I mean, definitely the last eight years or so have.
- [76:02]
Whitney
I have a pitch of when I think it was when we all just went, oh, everyone just, like, together put on a clown nose. When we all just went clown nose. I think it was when there was a pee tape. Like, whether there's a pee tape or not in the news, it's like, did you hear about the pee tape? Like, people are like, did you hear about Trump's pee tape? And you're like, wow, nose stuck forever. Like, there's now no ability to have any self respect or dignity or, like, it's over. Just the idea, the level of unserious. That. That. That. That denigrated all of our lives to we. That to me, is when we all descended into a new abyss of vapid pointlessness and postmodern existential nothingness. Like, the idea of being like, let's go to dinner after getting engaged, it feels like, like, like, do you want to have an imaginary tea party too? Like, it feels childish to care about anything anymore. And I didn't know this until something serious and kind of sacred happened to me, and I was just like, oh, am I even allowed to take my life seriously with everything that's going on in the world? You know, it's like, also feels like marriage. Like, okay, what? Oh, you're gonna involve the government? First of all, it's shut down seemingly permanently. And, like, you're gonna involve these. Like, you're gonna sign a contract with these, like, psychopaths. Like, are you insane? You know, like, but it's. I finally have this thing happening to me that every girl wants when they're like, you know, little girl child, like, grow up. Have this, like, fairy tale wedding. And you're like, I'm not gonna go into a federal building. Like, are you nuts? Like, I'm not Michael. Like, enter in my data. Like, I don't want anyone in the government to, like, know my address. Like, are you crazy? Like, but there's also something cool about it. I feel like. And this is something I love about you too, is your, like, awesome Marriage. Because there's something punk rock about it. Like, when I was in my 20s, like, when everyone was getting married, I was kind of like. Like, commitment. The whole sitcom that I did was about a girl that didn't want to get married. And now that it seems like most marriages around me are dissolving and that, like, half of all marriages end, and that those are just the ones that people that can afford to move out. Like, a lot of people have to stay in, bad ones, whatever. So there's something kind of punk rock about it now that it's like, what are the chances this is going to work? Like, let's go. Like, that's. Now. I think it's punk rock to actually commit and believe in something, you know, kind of impossible, you know, but you know me, dyslexic princess, never doing it in the order, Any backwards order. Have a kid, be a single mom, marry another person, hillbilly till I die. And, you know, I think it's good to. I think it's good to tell people. My instinct is just like, don't tell anyone. You're. It's like you're bragging or you're embarrassing yourself, or, like, it's embarrassing to care about anything. It's embarrassing to believe in anything, you know, besides that. We're in a simulation. Like, if you say, like, I'm engaged, you're basically going, like, I don't think this is a simulation. People are like, embarrassing. She doesn't know that she's pixels. Like, hmm. It's just kind of like there's something I. I'm. Because, you know, I'm in my delusional era. I'm in my. Just, like, go hard at being delusional, you know, and why not? Why not? Like, why not go, I'm the Cinderella story. I am it. I mean, come from brutal, acrimonious divorces. Got sent away to live with my aunts on a farm because my parents were like, no, thanks. She's a brunette. We're good. Go back to living with my single mom in an apartment. Have 12 hair colors. During the pandemic, both parents die horrifically. Quick manic episode. After the pandemic, have a kid, then find the love of my life. Like, that's not a Norman Rockwell painting. I don't know what is. Have my speech impediment. Make me say Walkwell instead of Rockwell. Like, the point is, I just. I do think that when you think your life is over, and maybe I'm like, right, Lily Allen is in the place that I was. I was recently. So maybe I'm just also, like, being empathic with her. I think that when your life is at its worst, that's when you're at this fork in the road. We're like, oh, this could get really good. Like, if you just take that opportunity to take responsibility for why it went poorly and blame nobody, even if they're all monsters. Like, I could have blamed so many people for why my life wasn't. Was a nightmare. And I just chose to be like, you know what? Let me just make it all my fault. Because if everything's my fault, I can actually change it. It's else's fault. You can't change it, right? And then you're just like a puppet. And the marionette doll operators are all these, like, you know, nightmare psychopaths, right? So I was like, okay, okay, let me make it my fault. Yes, all these people are monsters, but it's my fault for letting these monsters so close to me. It's my fault for letting the monsters in my house. It's my fault for letting them destroy my life. Like, that's on me. So then I'm like, oh, that's when you can actually get back up. And that's when you meet a pro skateboarder whose actual job is to get back up. So it feels like fate, even though it might not be. But anyway, good luck out there, guys. It's weird to have good news. That's the other thing. I'm like, I tell people I'm engaged. Like, I don't. No one wants to hear good news anymore. It's like, we're also addicted to being miserable that I don't want to ruin someone's day by making them have to be happy for someone else for, like, one minute. Like, it's like, but people won't if they can't. People will turn any good news into bad news now. Like. Like, oh, when you're engaged. Oh, okay. Is that a blood diamond? Like, it's a. Where'd you get the diamond? You're like, lab grown baby. Is it a blood lab? What kind of lab was it? Dude, wherever you go, whatever you. If you're mad about it, I probably agree with you. So anyway, don't date a David Harbour and don't ride elephants. Love you. Minute.