← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Holler Day - Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 318
00:55:30
Loading summary
Transcript16 lines
- [00:00]
A
Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery, Limu game and Doug. Here we have the limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.
- [00:33]
B
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.
- [00:36]
A
Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty.
- [00:40]
B
Liberty. Liberty.
- [00:42]
A
Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.
- [00:46]
B
I'm gonna say I'm gonna. I can't take this anymore. What are you doing for Thanksgiving? I'm just gonna tell everyone now. It's gonna be a sloppy one. This. This isn't my year. It's not my year for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to go be in a dog fight with a bunch of Olivia's at the grocery store over turkeys and fixins. For what? For what? Today's the year that I break the hypnosis with Thanksgiving and I'm going to say it. And I'm looking right down the gullet of this laptop that I dropped this morning. So unclear if this even works. Turkey's not that good. I said it. It's not that good. I don't. I'm not. I'm. I can't fight this hard for a couple bites of what I believe is like not even bronze metal level meat. I'm just saying it is time to update the Thanksgiving menu, which we've updated who Discovered America? We updated what Thanksgiving. The original one looked like in our textbooks. I think it's just. I can't do this. I know that I'm losing subscribers as I say this. I just. I don't like this menu. I don't want to hear about cranberries anymore because for women, cranberries, it's. Cranberries only come into play when either you're expressing a lot of gratitude once a year or have a uti. It's cranberries are gratitude and uti. My Pavlovian reaction to cranberries is I should have peed after that. And I. It's a weird. We need a new berry. You know, in Christmas. Goji, Lychee, Raz, blue something. Also, I'm not doing my dinner on the day. Done. Stuke. I'm not going to participate in this dogma that holidays have to be on the exact day that it's in the calendar, you dork. I'm not. I'm not going to be the person. You stop by my house as you're going to three other places because you don't know how to say no. And you have a secret family. That's your problem, right? You're. You're going to drive by my house on the way to see your parents, who you. You call me every other day out of the year. You pick me when you don't have to because of the calendar, but then on the actual holiday, you're going to go over there. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Go, go. Go to your families on the holiday on the 27th and on the 28th, you come to my house for my fun Thanksgiving, and I will pick you up off the floor since you will be in a million pieces after spending time with your family. Family, I'll scrape you off the ground. They can have you. They can. The most toxic people in your life can have you on the day. Okay, Christmas, I'm getting my. I have family. Like, I fly on holidays. Christmas, I'm on a plane. My family's like, what. What about Christmas morning? I'm like, I'm going to save $500 if I. You'll actually get good presents if I get there at 6pm Because I've saved 500 bucks. Why does it have to be. I'll say, I'll be like, oh, I'll get there on the 26th. Everyone. You're not going to be on Christmas Day. I'm like, you celebrated your birthday for a month. Why can't we stretch? Why am I driving to four houses on Christmas Day? Do you think that's what Jesus would have wanted? Hmm. I don't think so. Me rushing from house to house for an hour with each person with a pit in my stomach that my aunt was going to be mad that I didn't get to her house in time for her to give me a gift that I gave her last year. Not in any rush to get the shower gel back and then pretend like, oh, my God, how did you know I love this? Ah, I just think that these days are set up for failure. I'm boy, I'm boy. I am boycotting the day. Has to be the holiday. We're not doing this. Like, I'm the person where it's again, my birthday September 4th, but we can celebrate it, like, whenever. I don't care about the. Can we all. I just feel like, are we all identify any way we want. Now, why don't we do that with days? Why can't a holiday be like, I'm the 27th, but I identify as the 25th, so we can all just have a sane holiday, right? No one does just one Thanksgiving. No one's just like, it's. There's always three in a day now because I guess everybody's divorced or everyone's got their chosen family or their friend. I'm not doing it. All right? I gotta. I'm God people. I gotta go to my, My Thanksgiving, then I gotta go to my friendsgiving, and then I gotta go to my work Thanksgiving where I go feed the homeless. So why is your work organizing something? This is your day off. This is your one day off to. Does anyone else feel like that your job is making you do Thanksgiving volunteering now? Like, wait, I. You already don't pay me overtime. Now I have to go volunteer at the work thing so that you get tax write offs? And so I think you're a good person because you're making me work for free. Between my friendsgiving and my Thanksgiving now I'm not going to have any more friends left. It's just going to be all these homeless people that you're making me feed. I just. I'm not doing it. I. I don't know. I also feel like Thanksgiving, we. It's been coming for too long, and then I, I'm done. I'm. I, I don't know why this year I'm skipping it. I think I'm just going to skip it. I. I'm already in Christmas mentality for some reason. Like, I feel like Thanksgiving is, is like when you go to a movie you really want to see and you have to, like, sit through the trailers. Like, I'll entertain it, but, like, get to get to the main attraction. Get to Christmas, Thanksgiving. Is everyone getting together to plan Christmas? Where are we going? Christmas. All right. I'm not, I don't, I don't like orange. It's. We just did Halloween, orange, Thanksgiving, orange. No one looks good in orange. Get it out. Let's move on. All right. I don't buy. Also, I think Thanksgiving is bumping me this year because I don't buy that anyone's grateful. I, I think, I think that's. This is the thing of the past. We are the most ungrateful, bratty species on earth. And, and the fact that we have a holiday where we pretend to be grateful is so funny. It's like Valentine's Day where guys were so bad at Giving women gifts. Like, we had to make a holiday where we told you, like what? Like, it had to become homework. So the fact that human beings. We are at peak complaining. I mean, people just all day, they complain from computers. You're complaining from a miracle. You're complaining from a miracle. The phone and the computer isn't the fact that you're like, I have something to complain about. We should all be like, I have to complain about this. Oh, my God, this magic. I forgot what I was even mad about. I was just about to complain, and there's someone from India responding. India. Like, I could see pictures of India whenever I want. Oh, my God, mom, you can hear me there. I see. I saw your face for the first time in 30 years. Like, even on our worst day, the machines we use to talk about how bad our days are is a miracle. Like, I just. I do feel like this one day a year, we're like, I'm thankful. Like, I'm so thankful. Humans are funny about this. It's. I think that we're all under this impression that we're so unique and we're so individual, and holidays are such a reminder that we are such sheep and we are so desperate to be told what to do. All of you were like, I'm my own person, and da, da, da. And I don't. I do what I want to do. And. And I don't want anyone's validation. And then as soon as it's a holiday, like, where's my orange sweater? I need to have my orange water. Where's the. I need a pumpkin on the front. Front door. You know, I want everyone to know that I'm fun. I'm fun. Like, like, holidays were like, we comply. Why do we comply with this? It's such a funny thing. Like, Like, I've noticed this year I'm living in a different neighborhood for a bit, and I've noticed a little bit of, like, holiday decorations kind of being like, fun, fun competition. Like, which house is the most fun. Like, the fun Olympics. Are decorations getting more intense? It seems like the more miserable we come, the more giant spiders we have outside for. For Halloween, the more pumpkins. Like, I'm noticing, like, a giant turkey. Inflatable giant turkey. I don't remember Thanksgiving decorations. I remember, is this Teemo or is this TikTok? Like, what. What has made it so. There were Halloween decorations and Christmas decorations. I don't recall a giant inflatable turkey in between till now. Am I wrong? Is there something sick about a giant turkey? And you're it's like, this is the thing we're gonna kill. Like, we're going to eat this soon. Halloween decor isn't giant candy, right? Christmas decor isn't giant nog. Here's my thing. I will not get desensitized. I'm realizing this is what makes me slightly different than most people, is that I don't desensitize. Most people go, yeah, that's what they do. Now. I don't. I. I get more outraged. I get more like, no, no, no, no. We're not making this normal. We're not pretending this is normal. So I'm sorry, because outdoor decor tells me everything I need to know about the inside of the hall. So it does seem that the more outdoor decor you have, the closer to a divorce you seem. Or you are. The guy's like, I need your excuses to get on the roof. Like, I don't know what's going on with the Thanksgiving decor, but it was just like, pumpkins, maybe like a cornucopia, maybe like some dried corn. I feel like the inflatables is maybe with the pilgrims. I just think it's okay. Here's my point. We are getting more and more compliant with doing things we don't need to do. And the same way I'm like, okay, the drones, like, that could have just been a floater. Like, they were testing us to see how we would behave. Right? A lot of this is powers that be testing us how we behave. Holidays are a little bit of a test. Like, let's just see if they do it. Like, we're in a full dom sub relationship with holidays in the calendar. Like, people wake up and I think they go, how can I be original today? How can I? But that's not it anymore. Now people wake up and like, what day is it? National Hot Dog Day. Like, what? Why every day. We had this in high school, remember? You would have dress up days. And it was like, okay, it's jeans day. Whatever it is. We are so wired to be in a tribe that we kind of want just a calendar of what to wear. Tell us what to wear, tell us what to believe, and tell us how to behave. And the fact that anyone takes it seriously is so wild. It's like, well, in November, I wear orange and I pretend to be thankful. In December, I wear green, and I pretend that I'm generous. In January, I pretend I'm going to change. In February, I pretend I'm in love. In March, I pretend I care about getting a beach body. And April, I Pretend. Am I wrong?
- [12:51]
A
In January, I pretend I'm going to change. And in February, I pretend it worked.
- [12:57]
B
Yeah, exactly. But we're doing this based on some Dom. Whoever makes these calendars, I don't know who it is. Like, it's. Holidays really do show how easy it is to control humans and how badly they want to be controlled and how easy it is to do. If you just make it seem like a fun, fun made fun. There's some glitter on it. Right. Also, if you just put something in a calendar, people will rally around it. Like, in my Apple calendar, they'll just be National Donut Day. And I'm like, what? Today we celebrate donuts. Okay? And then everyone I know is posting about it, and everyone's got a donut pan, and we got donut. It's donut day. And everyone's just like, jumping on this donut day bandwagon. Like, who? That was so easy to get people. People do it. They go, happy donut Day. And you're like, wait, that worked? People bought that? Like, no one's like, where did that come from? Is this like a sir history to this? Did someone come up with it? Is it. Is there a reason that a lot of war heroes that have fallen don't have a day, but donuts have a day? Is it obesity? The biggest problem in America, and we're celebrating donuts? Help me understand people. The things people will do. All right, I'm 100 sure some of these holidays are pranks. Absolutely. People be like, happy baby oil day. You're like, what? They're just covering themselves in baby oil like it's baby oil day. Like, this show is brought to you by Better Help. As y' all well know, the holidays is when a lot of emotional damage is done, is triggered. Is this is when we really pick at the scab, you guys, this is when we're like, oh, no, that's a scar. And then you put your hand in that stocking and you're like, nope, this isn't healed yet. Turns out, mom, this lip balm duo is not going to cut it, but you can't say that. You have to get to a place where the lip balm duo does indeed cut it. It's this thing called acceptance. I know wild wasn't something that I was a particular big fan of before getting into therapy, but going to therapy helped me understand, like, these people aren't going to change, you guys. So we have to change not who we are. We just have to change our expectation of how they're going to behave because your aunt's not going to stop posting on Facebook. It's. Your sister's not going to stop doing that, okay? Your brother's not going to break up with her. She's here for good. Layla is in your family now. And she will let you know that her life is harder than yours because she is a Leo. And you will accept it. All right? She will wear white to your wedding and you will accept it. Thanks to therapy. BetterHelp. So easy to get therapy online. They have amazing therapists. You fill out a short questionnaire with your needs, your preferences. My preferences were to be lovable. But you can also do preferences about your therapist. They do the matching work for you. Using over a decade of experience and one of the world's largest networks of fund. Fully licensed therapist. That's the other thing. License. Guys, this is out of nobody's apartment. You're not meeting any of these therapists at Starbucks. That's not. We're not paying with the crypto code. Right. These are real licensed therapists. If your first match doesn't feel quite right, you could switch therapists at any time and then keep going. BetterHelp has served over 5 million people globally and they should do a dating app of just the people in BetterHelp, like in therapy. Is that not a really good idea? I'm sorry. That's actually kind of genius. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners are getting 10 off@betterhelp.com Whitney. That's better. Help. H E L P.com Whitney this episode is brought to you by Revolve. I'm a fashion icon. You guys know this about me. I'm obsessed with Revolve. It's where I go for everyday outfits and things for big events. Like this is, by the way, a new Revolve situation. I think it's rag and bone. It's like, like I never thought that I would find a new version of a denim shirt. That's because I always go vintage. Always go vintage. I'm like the new cuts I don't like. But then I go to revolve and it's all stuff that I want. It's everything that I want, but not pre owned. It's everything I want to wear but not haunted. I love Revolve. It has over 1200 brands and around 100,000 styles across fashion, beauty and home. From high end and emerging labels. You're going to see names like lovers and Friends. Amanda Uprichard, Norma Kamali. I pronounced that correctly. Super down. More to come. Free people, all of them. There's new arrivals every single day. Inclusive sizing from extra extra small to 4x personalized product recommendations based on what you love and amazing customer service with fast free shipping and return go to revolve.com whitney shop my edit to look as iconic and legendary as me and take 15 off your first order with code Whitney fast two day shipping, easy returns. It's literally the only place you need to shop from. Also get your holiday gifts there. You're welcome. Revolve.com Whitney to shop my favorites and get 15% off your first order with Whitney. Offer ends December 7th. So happy shopping. Go go. We still believe that if we see something in writing on a piece of paper or screen that it's like this.
- [18:32]
C
Episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.
- [19:02]
D
Wayfair's big sale is returning. Get ready for way day for four days only, score up to 80% off all things with free shipping on everything from October 26th through 29th. Score Wayfair's best deals like up to 80% off area rugs, up to 60 off mattresses, up to 60% off bedroom furniture and more exclusive doorbuster deals. So mark your calendar and shop Wayday starting October 26th at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every.
- [19:30]
B
Style, every home official or something. These calendars will just say like happy Pizza day. And you're like, pizza Day. What am I gonna do with this sub I ordered for lunch? It's pizza day. Dude, you don't you. We are all connected by a billion wires to the marionette doll operator that is Hallmark. Because I think we're all so desperate to have to celebrate something, right? And I just. We can't be in high school forever. All right? Do you remember in high school it was like, dress like your dad day, Jeans day, Pajama day. Which now I'm pissed because as I was thinking about this, why did we have pajama day? Why? Why does anyone need to see my pajamas at my school? Why did our school have us dress up in our pajamas? Hey schools, how about educate us on like, I don't know, learning how to think critically so when we grow up, we don't embarrass ourselves about our job because we're posting about National Pizza Day. I don't know, can you maybe teach us restraint? So when a potential employer Googles us, they don't. They don't say, like, oh, this person would be great for the job, but it's kind of weird that they're in a donut costume for National Donut Day. I don't know. This person seems a little bit too malleable, little. Little too quick to celebrate something. Seems like she's. She's gonna take a lot of time off. As a nation, I just believe that we have to decide if we want to be respected or not. Maybe that ship has sailed. I just. We can't, like, talk about National Donut Day, you know, that China really amplifies these posts too. Like, when America's post about Donut Day and Hot Dog Day, you know that they just. They just get spider programs to make sure the rest of the world sees us like, it's Donut Day. I mean, that is literally why people in other countries think that we're such idiots. And, I mean, I don't think China has these. China has, like, National Numbers Day, Math Day, National Engineering Day. We're over here, like, National Whipped Cream Day. But, like, guys, we can't keep posting like, hey, at the town parade for Funnel cake Week. We. Not every day can be a holiday, everybody. And Thanksgiving, honestly, as I talk about all these other still, it is really like, Happy Turkey Day. It's the same as those. Let's. If you just hear me out, I'm coming to the back door on this one. Pat, Thanksgiving is a little goofy, and here's why. I just. I'm not saying we shouldn't do it every year. I'm just saying it's been a while since we left England. Like, it's been a good minute. And bringing it up this much is sort of like obsessing about a toxic ex. Like, every year being, like, so thankful we left England. That was. They were making us afraid of the wrong guy. Like, it's weird to keep bringing it up every. The holiday is to go like, we're out. I'm out of it. Like, it's a little petty at this point. You know, it's like that the person who on social media needs to talk about their ex all the time. This time four years ago, I was in a dark place. It's like, dude, dude. Seven years ago marks the day that. That I parted ways with my gaslighter. It's like, this isn't. Wait, what? You're married to a new person. You. I, I. It feels like America's moved on slightly from. Feels like the Fourth of July covered this a little earlier in the year, too. You got it, Pat. That's it. Thanksgiving, it just feels a little bit forced. It's like, it, it's. I get why it's a holiday, but it feels a little dated. Like, it feels. Thanksgiving is like the sketchers of holidays. Like, you like it more when you're really young or really old. In between, you're like, I kind of like London. Like, I kind of like it there. England's kind of cool. I don't know. It's just very. Thanksgiving is also. It's not for people in their 20s to 40s. Not for hustle people, people that have stuff to do. Because Thanksgiving, everyone just got back from summer. You're finally getting into the groove. Labor Day slowed us down. Now it's like, guys, guys, like, can we get this going? We got. I literally need to make money to cover my overhead for the end of Q4 before everyone leaves for Christmas. Can we. This isn't. We can't just stop for a week and eat marshmallows on sweet potatoes. Like, are we serious? How many pies are you going to go? Can we just get through the year? You know what I'm saying? It feels a little bit like we're at the finish line and we're stopping for a snack. And also, Thanksgiving, it's not what it used to be because families are so torn apart. Thanksgiving used to be, like, cozy. We're all going to get together now. It's just a tripwire boundary festival before Thanksgiving, you have to send 12 emails before you go home to lay out the ground rules of who can talk to who, who can sit next to who, like, windows for people to show up and leave by. It's like, okay, we're coming home for Thanksgiving, but don't sit me next to Aunt Millie. And if I'm gonna. If, If Sandy's going to be there, she can't talk about politics, okay? And we're not talking about chemtrails. All right? If you want to. If you want to talk a bit, just go to my website, www.chemtrails.edu. just send them to the link. I'm not giving them. I'm not explaining it again. Also, like, is turkey that good? Like it. You know what else it is? I just realized, sorry, everyone from the south is going. Is. Is screaming at their phone or computer right now. And I live in California for now. And turkey is not prepared well in California. It's not good. It's in Thanksgiving. When I was back in Virginia. Delicious. They know how to do it. They understand how butter works. They don't understand turkey in California or gratitude, for that matter. So that's probably why Thanksgiving isn't a real hitter out there. But I just. I'm not doing turkey in California. It's like jerky. It's just like, no one will do dairy. No one will do cream. It's just like, why do you hate me? Are we in a fight? Like, why am I. I just ate a whole turkey. Why am I in ketosis? How was this prepared? If anyone else is thinking that about Thanksgiving this year, please tell me why. Because I feel like I'm missing something sometimes. It's like the weather. It's been too hot, so Thanksgiving, like, creeps up. Maybe it's because I've been in Atlanta, and it just. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels just like we're skipping that. We missed the exit, and we're just. We're going somewhere else. We're regrouping. We missed the Wawa. Now we're going to blimpy. I don't know what to tell you because I am distracted. Maybe it's because this Santa. I'm in a panic about Santa. My kid is old enough to kind of. We got to have that talk, Lily. I got to. I know. I got to know what to say, and I got to figure this out. If you think that I am going to participate in this psychotic 30s braingasm, mass hypnosis about Santa. Here's. All I'm saying is that what if. What if. What if our communal crux of all of our trust issues is from Santa? You can't prove that. It's not. You can't prove that humans, the rise in anxiety, the rise in stress, paranoia, distrust, families being torn about. You can't prove that. It's not because of Santa. Santa was our first conspiracy theory. That's. I think. Do you remember a conspiracy theorist? I think that's when it was you. You remember as a kid when you knew Santa wasn't real. If it was before, you just, like, outgrew him, like, oh, yeah, I. If you knew Santa wasn't real before your parents told you he wasn't. I think that makes conspiracy theorists, because I was like. I didn't buy. Went to the. I saw him at the Mall. And I was like, no. Nope. That guy's not a leader. I remember thinking like, he's not a leader. He's not a boss of the dwarves. He's not. They're not going to listen to him. I didn't buy it. Like, I remember being like, that guy has no charisma. Like, also, if Santa was this big of a deal, he would not be at the Tanglewood Mall in Roanoke, Virginia. I don't like that you're pushing this on me so hard. I don't. These are the same parents who wouldn't wait in line for groceries. So we. We'd be. I remember my parents all the time. We'd be in line for groceries. If the line was too long, they'd be like, ah, never mind. And we'd leave the cart like, well, we already waited. Ah. And. But we're gonna wait for this guy for this thing. I don't buy it, all right? And I think the conspiracy theory people, they had parents who phoned in Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and we were all like, I don't know. Because what is a bigger capsizing of your reality then? Like, this? God, we talk about Santa all year. For years, you've kept this con up for. Honestly, by the time you're eight or nine and you realize Santa's not real. Like, the deep state makes total sense. Yeah, of course there's the deep. I would not be surprised if there was a deep state. I would not be surprised if they were reptiles. I've been told crazier things weren't true. Like, people talk about Santa Claus as if kids know it was fake this whole time, you know what I'm saying? Or like the tooth fairy, all that. I thought the tooth fairy was real. How dare you do that to a child? Humiliate me in front of my. Embarrass me in front of my fans. All I wanted was my dad's approval and for my mom to make me look dumb in front of my dad. What do you mean it's not real? And Dad's like, ah, now you're mama fell for it again. Are you two in cahoots or not? Who. That's the other thing. When you have divorced parents that aren't on the same page, it's like. It's very. It's like. It's like kind of a mess. They're just trying to sabotage each other through the child. Mom told me that you lied to me about Santa. What? Now that I'm here, I was fully planning on telling my kid about Santa. But now that I'm in a situation where it's like, well, how does he get in the house? Okay, because here's what we tell kids, right? Anyone that breaks into our house any other day and took any of our stuff, we call the police. Right? Call the police. But one day a year, he's allowed to break in. We don't even, like, know when. When it's dark and we go to sleep, he just, like, comes in and, like, does his thing. And instead of stealing stuff, he leaves nice stuff. Like, in what account? In what economy? First of all. And this trains us. It trains us to believe things that are ridiculous. And if you don't believe it, you're not fun. More magical. Like, it trains us. Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Santa Claus is real. Got it. Cut to 15 years later. Yeah, yeah, that moon landing footage is. Yeah, that looks like the moon. Yeah, that tracks. Like, it trains us to accept things. Or maybe it's like, look the other way, you know? I want to be the person that's the bummer, you know? And I do think the reason I'm that person is because so early I was like, guys, I don't this damn thing. Maybe I'm crazy, but I just. He's so fat. And no one has a chimney. What do you mean? Why is it always a chimney? There's no front door. None of it adds up to me, okay? And I do think by the time we're adults, we have fallen hook, line, and sinker for Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy. We're groomed. We're groomed and, like, ready for all the lies to just to stuff them down our pie holes and just take it and you'll like it. And one day you'll find out it wasn't true. And you don't get to be mad because it was magical and it was fun and you got presents. Think about all the things that trains you for. It's like, you need to be comfortable that a man is going to come into your house and do whatever he wants. And when the truth comes out later, you need to be grateful and go. That's what people did back. That was the tradition. Though a tradition wouldn't be a tradition if it was weird. Someone obviously vets these, right? Someone cool vets these. And the other thing that bothers me about Santa is it's like priming kids to be okay with being watched when they're alone. And get. That's really what Santa Claus is, right? Santa is the first surveillance. He's watching you all Year. He's watching you. He's. Wherever you are, he's watching you. It's like when I was a kid, I was like, what? Where? Can. Can everyone just stop watching kids? Can everyone stop watching kids? Stop looking at them. Stop. Even a fake concept of an invisible man is watching you. That's not even true. Let's stop normalizing. Grown men watching kids do anything if it's not their kid. Let's just normalize. Leaving kids alone, whether they're naughty or nice, let's just leave them alone. Let's not watch other people's kids. I just. We don't need any of the kid watching. We don't need teen dramas for adults. We don't need kids doing pageants. We don't need to watch them be talented. None of them are talented. We're not. If you enjoy watching kids that are not yours on any level, you do need to see a doctor. And that is a true fact. I just. I think this whole thing where kids are naughty or nice and you get a toy at the end, it introduces kids. This concept of, like, I owe this strange man a certain kind of behavior or I won't get a present. Also, if you're naughty or nice and you don't get a present after, that's on me. I don't want. Okay, so if your kid's nice, Santa got you all these presents. No, he didn't. I got you them. Me. This guy. I'm not. Santa's not going to take credit for any or the good or the bad. If you didn't get the presents that you wanted because you were naughty, I want you to know I'm the one that didn't get them for you. This is it. Parents like Santa because they can use Santa to be a buffer, to not discipline their own kids because no one wants to be disliked by their kid. Right? Like, that's what. That's basically what people want to be able to do. Like, well, Santa saw you being naughty, so I guess you're not going to get that. And the kid's like, oh, I guess it's me and you against Santa. No, it's you against me, kiddo. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want my kid thinking that the enforcer or the decider is some guy. I feel like Santa is beloved for parents that want their kids to like them. So they use Santa as the buffer to protect them from giving their kid a consequence and their kid being upset. So, like, well, Santa is not getting that for you because You've been naughty. It's like. Or no, what? Like then your kid is only gonna behave well because they think someone's watching them. That's schizophrenia, firstly. Second, you don't want your kid to be mad at you. You're lying to your kid for nine years because you don't want your kid to not be your friend. What is this thing where parents want to be friends with their kids? This episode is brought to you by Bubs Naturals. Guys, I know this is income as a shock to you, but I am getting older. I know. How is that even possible? Whitney, your Benjamin Button, right? Look, it's. It sneaks up on you, this whole aging thing. It starts like with your joints and then your workouts just kind of aren't what they used to be. You kind of just all of a sudden have a mullet. Not by choice. Your skin just looks like it's lost some ambition. But I heard about Bub's natural collagen peptides. I got obsessed. Collagen is the protein. It helps hold everything together, right? But Starting in your mid-20s, your body makes less of it every year. So adding Bubs to my whole nutrition routine has been a game changer. It's my joints feel better, my skin looks amazing. I have a hairline again. I am no longer bald. You just put it in like coffee. You can add it to your smoothie. Doesn't taste like anything, dissolves quickly and there is no weird like like clumping or funkiness or like ratchet aftertaste. So it's just easy to throw it in, move on with your day. Also, the story behind Bubs is pretty amazing. The brand is actually a tribute to a former Navy seal. His name is Glenn Bub Daugherty. A hero who gave his life saving Americans in Benghazi. He was all about self improvement and helping people around him. And Bubs keeps that spirit alive by donating 10% of all profits to with the Glen Doherty Memorial Foundation. The quality matches the mission. No sugar, no sweeteners, no fillers. None of it third party tested and it's Whole 30 approved and sourced from grass fed pasture. Raised cattle live better longer for a limited time only. Our listeners are getting 20 off at Bubs Naturals by using code Good4U but it's going to be the abbreviation G F Y at checkout. B u b s naturals.com use code G F Y and you're all set. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Not Sean Ryan, not all the other Navy SEALs that have their podcast. None of them. Me. I sent you me. Bob. The original Bob. This episode is brought to you by Drip Drop. I have been in my hydration era, not looking back. When I stay hydrated, I just look, you know that I just gave up caffeine and I'm finally embracing the idea that there needs to be some some kind of moisture inside my body at some point. And I've replaced caffeine with actually hydrating myself. I feel sharper, calmer. I think I look better. It's why I've been using Drip Drop. It's a science back hydration that actually helps me feel and look my best without some sugar crash. Drip Drop is a doctor developed proven fast hydration that helps your body and your mind work better and uses precise ratios of an electrolyte and glucose situation for rapid absorption, delivering three times the electrolytes and half the sugar of leading sports drinks, which frankly are trash. We all know this so you will feel results right away. More focus, better energy, improved mood, even just glowing skin. You'll be able to put your head on top of your Christmas tree. No one will notice it's not a glowing star. It actually tastes delicious too. There's 16 original flavors and eight zero sugar options and it fits seamlessly into anyone's routine morning post workout, during the midday, whenever. To make it easy, Drip Job has flexible subscription options so you never stuck without proven fast hydration. Whether you're on the job, the gym, traveling, whatever it is, you always have your Drip Drop on hand. Right now, Drip Drop is offering podcast listeners 20% off your first order. Go to drip drop.com and use my promo code Whitney. Drip drop.com promo code Whitney. That's drip drop.com promo code Whitney for 20% off stock up promo code Whitney. Do it. People will say like it's okay not.
- [39:34]
A
To be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help. Did you know you can get matched with credit cards on the app? Some cards are labeled no Ding Decline which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit scores. Download the Experian app for free today. Applying for no Ding Decline cards won't hurt your credit score scores if you aren't initially approved. Initial approval will result in a hard inquiry which may impact your credit scores experience.
- [40:05]
E
This episode is brought to you by Ulta Beauty. Holiday cheer is here and Ulta Beauty has gifts for everyone on your list. Treat them to fan Favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from ysl, Ariana Grande, and Carolina Herrera. And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful. Ulta Beauty gifting happens here.
- [40:33]
B
My son is my best friend. What? What do you mean? No, my daughter is my best friend. No, she's not. She's actually not your best friend. Uh, also, best friends tell other best friends the truth, and all you do is lie to your child in order to be her friend. So get help truly, immediately. Also, this is like when I say, my dog is my best friend. When I say, like, Frank is my best friend, and then I take him to the dog park and he'll just jump in someone else's car. Doesn't even look back. Egg on my face. Like, it. The person that needs you for literally everything is not your best friend. All right? People who believe their child is their best friend is someone that. That only wants to be friends with someone they can control. This is like doll people. These are doll people. These are people that. That once their daughter or son goes to college and they can no longer be best friends with their kid, they just get dolls because that's the only thing they can control and real equals. And adults will be like, hey, that was rude. And they're like, they can't handle the truth or function in any kind of shared reality or tolerating discomfort, so they can only be friends with their own children who pity them or dolls. I know that some people don't really mean it, but other people really do. Like, my. My. My daughter's my best friend. That's truly what groomers say. You're my best friend. You're the only person I could talk to. Do you also tell your child they're so mature for their age? You're so mature. You're not like the other kids. You're just. You're really mature. You need an older man. Like, why are you so. So what the parents will do if they want to be, like, best friends with their teenager is that they'll either parentify the kid to make the kid an adult to be like them, or they'll infantilize themselves in order to be teenagers. Like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls. You know, like. Like, oh, I'm just like a teenage girl. Six, seven. Six, seven. You're like, why don't you have any adult friends? I am not going to use a cartoon to avoid the Bravery required for being a parent. Henry, I love you. You're not getting a Lego Battleship this year, period. Santa thinks you should have it. I blocked it. Okay, well, I'm not. Why not, Mom? Because we're not having Legos in the house. I hate stepping on them, period. Well, I want to keep them in my room, Mom. Well, I have to go to your room sometimes, and sometimes I'm barefoot. But it's my room. I wasn't clear. My room that you sleep in, that's my room. Okay? You're not getting Legos. I'll have this fight all day. You will not wear me out. You won't wear me down. I will Never stop. You're 12 years old. Get a job. I was working at 14. Do you think that's part of it? Like, when teenagers don't have jobs anymore? Is this new? I think it's illegal in a lot of places. But to not be working by 16 is. Is maybe why moms are able to be like, I'm best friends with my. Because they haven't. Aren't allowing their kids to be financially not independent, but, like, to make their own money in any way by, like, working. Have you noticed that when I was 16, everyone was working at frozen yogurt place? Like, we weren't good at it. I mean, the. The businesses we worked at did, you know, fold, frankly. But I get confused. Like, when I see 16 year olds at the mall, I'm like, who is running Subway? Like, how. I don't. Yeah, I guess teenagers can't be working anymore because they. They need to spend all their time emotionally caretaking their best friend, their mom. Like, I don't. I hear it all the time. My daughter's my best friend. Okay, well, maybe. Maybe take a good look at why no adult women will be friends with you, and you have no adult best friends. All right, and how the only person who's nice to you is someone that needs you. A best friend, you For. In order for someone to be best friend, they have to have a driver's license. Let's just start there. Your kid can't help you when you're in need. That's not a best friend. That's a hostage. That's. You can't show your kid weakness or it's mutiny. That's the thing is it's my best friend. I'm going to talk all about my divorce to my. To my daughter because she's my best friend. Okay, well, maybe this is why all these kids have anxiety, because you guys are forcing them to be your best friends and talk about your divorce. Why? Dude, I knew nothing about my parents. I still know nothing about my parents. And I'm oddly the most well adjusted person I know. Like, I. I was telling you, like, when kids see their parents having a pity party or like, complaining, like, I just been really hard and going through this and this. The kid's like, wait, what? You. You're a mess. But you're. You're. It's like realizing that the person that's driving you is drunk. You're like, oh, now I gotta take charge. This is why kids become parentified children. Right? I just. I have a whole new respect for my parents. They never tried to make me their best friend. They. We were acquaintances, truly, at best. And I now have to kind of respect my parents, that they at least gave the illusion that they were emotionally together and got their emotional needs met either internally or from other adults. Like, I believe that till I was about 21 or so. Because, can I tell you, functional alcoholism does not get enough credit. We talk a lot about alcoholism, but functional alcoholism, like, it gets the job done. And when you are a functional alcoholic, like, you know, you give off the illusion. I thought my parents were functioning. I mean, I. They weren't my best friends. They were more like my. My, you know, my clients. Like, I was the bartender. I was the one that was, like, serving drinks. Like, they put me to work in a way. Relationship. We had a business. We had a working business relationship. I serve them drinks and they went night night so that I could go catch on fire. The point is, even if it's not true, this brings me to my final point. How come every time I go to touch my nose, I miss it? Because I'm like, not trying to create a new mannerism, but I, for some reason feel the need to touch my nose when I'm trying to make a point. My nose is so crooked, I just fully missed it by an inch. So I know what you're thinking. Whoever's listening is going, whitney, it's an expression. It's an expression. They just say, my daughter's my best friend, My son is my best friend. Then can everyone start saying what they're saying? Here's a list of things to rotate out of your everyday conversations. Platitudes that were never true and then make you seem insane. First off, my baby's not flirting with you. I don't know how to break it to you that he's not flirting. Don't say he's flirting. He's not flirting. He's also not a heartbreaker. He's not going to break a lot of hearts. Just keep walking. Also, if he doesn't want to hug you, he's not shy. He's not shy. He's not. I tell him not to talk to strangers, and you're a stranger. I have known you for 10 years. Still a strange stranger than ever. All right. Why do you want to hug my kid so bad? He's not shy. You need too much attention from babies. Okay. The only stranger we hug is Santa. We're not weirdos. I think in general, especially with the holidays coming up, we got to get a little more literal. It reduces a lot of arguments, a lot of friction, a lot of fights because we just say things, and then it. And then I have to go along. I have to act. I have to go along with your. Your bad improv play, and I just can't do it. Okay, I'm. I'm now going to be literal guy. I'm going to say it. If what you're saying doesn't make sense, it's going to be awkward. All right? But you can't just regurgitate things that other people said because you think it's profound. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Don't do this to me. It's not a It. What does it even. It means nothing. Who gaslit us into this creepy adage? Can you just say, I'm sorry that happened to you? Just be like, that sucks. You don't have to make my bad news good news. You don't have to, like, make me feel bad if I'm not David Goggins about every. Just be like, oh, my God, I just said something. Almost killed me. Just be like, are you okay? You what? Don't make me think I have to be resilient. Also, do you have a. Do you. Are you busy? It's the most dismissive thing. Are you just saying this so. So you can feel better or has this ever made anyone feel better? Was anyone like, oh, my God, I'm so much stronger after that. Ah, my family's shaking me down for money. Oh, my God. Oh, stronger than ever. Just skip it. Don't. You know, you guys, people forget. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to say anything. You also aren't smarter than other people. Just because you call everyone a fascist now, it implies that you know what the word means, but if you're calling someone a fascist, you probably don't live in a fascist society is usually how that works. Call it corrupt or sexist or backwards or dogmatic or didactic or social evil, but that word has a definition. It's like, you know what? This is what scares me. The inability to communicate because words have no meaning anymore. It's like when someone says, it's hilarious, but they're just like, it's hilarious. I'm like, well, if you say the movie's hilarious, so it's just fine. It's so. So now for me to believe something's actually funny, you have to show me your underwear with the pee in it for me to go to see them. That's how extreme proof has to be for me to trust you. It's these fr. We just say these things, and then I have to get on this merry go round of just, like, seeing people. And then I'm. This isn't proof, right? You know, this is everyone's favorite thing. Someone's sick and they're like, it's going around. Well, no, it's not. You're sick. It's. It's going around because you're here. Why are you here? It's not going around. You're parading it around because you won't stay home. You work. Do you ever notice that everyone wants to work from home unless they're sick. They're at work because they want everyone to know that they're sick. Like, ah, I'm just getting over something. What? You work from home. I haven't seen you in two years. Why do you only show up if you're sick? Like, gosh, this is what I got today. Again, when people ask about kids and stuff, and if someone's asked if they want kids, everyone's, like, off bringing a kid into this world. I don't know. You don't know what? I let people keep going. I don't jump on it anymore. Like, yeah, I don't. I'm like, oh, please, finish it. Finish the sentence. I'm not gonna just go along. You don't. You heard someone else say this, so you're just saying it because you think it makes you seem smart. Bring your kid in the world. What world? Which one? The one with penicillin where women finally survive childbirth. That world. What are you saying? Like, these people that say, this is another one that. That anytime a podcast comes up, people go, everyone's got a podcast now. Kind of. No, I mean. I mean it. Like, there's like 10 of them that anyone listens to, firstly. But why can't people have. Everyone's got a podcast now. So why. Yeah, you're basically going. Everyone just wants to be heard. Like, okay, everyone's got something to say. Yeah. Especially you, babe. Like, why are you so mad that. That other people have ideas or could talk? People are just. Everyone's got a voice now. It's. Why do. Are you out of things to complain about? That's my new. Are you out of things to complain? The Internet's so negative. But you're negative about the Internet. That's. You're negative in person. Most people save it for the Internet and are fake nice in person. Like these people that just can't. They're on a Ferris wheel of traffic is crazy. Yeah. No. How do you think I got here? Do you think we all took a chopper? We're all living so online and so on our phones that by the time we have IRL conversations, we're just parodies of impressions of phoning it in. Like, are you even here for this? Like, are you. Do you even need me for this? Because you're kind of just regurgitating a bunch of cartoon caricature small talk things. Like, we don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. If you, like, have something else that you need to do. Oh, here's another one. It's just. They don't make good movies anymore. They just don't make. Who said that? Someone must have said that. And then people just kept. First of all, movies were never good. Have you watched them? The other day I watched Mannequin. Holy. That movie is so. Movies are only good if they're terrible. We've talked about this. There's no good movies anymore. Which ones? There's bad movies out. Those are the best movies. So you're saying movies are only bad now? So there's only good movies is what you're saying. Name one good movie, Pat. Name a good comedy ever in the history. Whenever you're about to say Rain Man. Worse. Rain Man. Okay, well, I'm going to eat this gusher and leave you with this, okay. Which is that any great comedy is terrible, and that's why it's good. So if you don't understand what makes a movie good, you don't get to say they don't make any good movies anymore. They have to fly in and jackhammer my face to get me suitable for television. I'm doing a show that's going to be on planes, so I got to focus. Don't ride elephants.
- [54:46]
A
Men need a store that has the right thing for their thing. Like a Kenneth Cole suit made with showflex fabric to keep them cool at their cousin in law's third wedding in the middle of July. Whatever the thing, Men's Wearhouse has the clothes for it. Love the way you look.
- [55:00]
F
Men's Wearhouse Starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into Sign up for your $1 per month trial@shopify.com specialoffer.