How To Use The Internet | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 314

Summary

Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings – Episode 314: "How To Use The Internet"
Release date: October 28, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Whitney Cummings broadcasts remotely from Atlanta, Georgia, diving into the theme of how we use the internet and how it affects our mental health, perceptions, and daily life. She mixes her signature, self-deprecating humor with keen social commentary, exploring everything from coping with negativity online, rethinking our relationships with technology, and curating positive digital experiences, to why we should befriend rats and adorn ourselves like Japanese street style icons. The episode is part comedy, part therapy, and full-on Joy Corps rallying cry.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening: Pineapples, Props, and the Dangers of Fruit

[00:00–06:09]

• Whitney, podcasting from a “comically embarrassing” Atlanta dressing room, opens with an extended riff on a mysterious pineapple and “cartoon” sausage in her fruit basket, musing whether such gifts are kind or low-key threats.
  • “Honestly, that's the funniest thing to send someone. Is the person that sent me a basket with a pineapple my enemy?...” (Whitney, 00:55)
• She spirals into the surprisingly lethal nature of coconuts, imagining the trauma of witnessing a coconut-related death and the awkwardness of explaining it at a funeral.
  • “They have to find a way to give your eulogy and be like, ah, our Mickey...he died by coconut…” (Whitney, 02:46)
• Her guest riffs on dying embarrassingly with a whimsical soundtrack (“Monster Mash,” “Margaritaville”) as a new kind of existential anxiety.

2. Internet Negativity & Nelly Furtado Quitting Social Media

[06:09–14:58]

• Whitney transitions into dissecting internet cruelty, sparked by “Nelly Furtado quitting music because she got bullied about her body.”
  • “This is a pivotal moment...This woman just went, no, no. Like, what am I doing? Why? For what?” (Whitney, 08:19)
• She laments the impossibility of absorbing online feedback as a public figure and advocates for auto-blocking negativity.
• Explores the cyclical, irrational nature of internet bullying – “for every one dork who's like, ‘you gained weight,’ there's 300 who are like, ‘too skinny.’”
• Celebrates the rare, healthy decision to quit fame and refuse to talk about trauma on endless podcasts: “I'm glad she just went, ‘no thanks.’”
  • “She’s not going on podcasts talking about it. She’s not going to write a book about it. She’s just like, oh no, I’m leaving.” (Whitney, 09:06)

3. Rethinking Fame, Boundaries & the Right to Disappear

[14:58–23:31]

• Whitney extols historical women who “just left” when fame stopped serving them, e.g., Hedy Lamar, Bettie Page, Shelley Duvall.
• She jokes about the craving for more fame and money as addiction: “So how much money is it going to take? How much fame is it going to take?”
• She places herself in a “sweet spot,” able to tour but not be dissected online.
  • “I can travel the country, meet awesome people, but… not having people draw diagrams of my body…” (Whitney, 12:08)

4. “Using the Internet Wrong” & Making a Tiny Tweak

[23:31–30:28]

• Whitney’s main thesis emerges: Despite access to the greatest technology ever, we focus on a "tiny sliver of the Internet that is negative," using it to insult, shame, and fight.
  • “Imagine a species getting truly the miracle of the ability to see anything at any time, to know anything at any time, and we only use this magic box to lie about each other and tell women they're fat.” (Whitney, 27:07)
• She calls for a “tiny tweak”—curate your online input for joy and positivity.
• Announces intention to showcase accounts and feeds that make the Internet great, countering the “mental buffet of garbage.”

5. The Power of Positive Feeds: Rats, Disney Adults, Decora & Absurdist Joy

[31:18–49:31]

• Meet the Rats: Whitney and Pat introduce “hero rats”—rats trained to sniff out landmines and tuberculosis.
  • “Owning rats is the new Darwinism… Rats are going to be your secret weapon.” (Whitney, 33:59)
• Rats vs. Dogs: Riffs on how dogs (esp. Labradoodles) are all “lemons,” while rats are resourceful, clever, and soon to be society’s true allies.
• Other Underdog Creatures: Advocates for bats (“bats are the rats with wings”), painting them as the misunderstood heroes in the fight against malaria.
  • “If you hate bats and you're not actively putting bats in boxes, you made your choice.” (Whitney, 36:42)
• “Rat Math”: Pat’s obsessional “rat math” infographic details their explosive reproduction rates.
  • “I love this infograph. I saw this 20 years ago. Big fan. I bring it up all the time.” (Pat, 38:16)
• “Plus Size Park Hoppers”: Whitney spotlights a feed of plus-size women trying theme parks, celebrating their practical positivity and lack of self-pity.
  • “They found their thing. No plans to change it. No. The shame. They're not trying to get represented on TV.” (Whitney, 39:23)
• Decora Street Style: Joyfully embraces Japanese “decor(a)”—layering “everything you own onto your face at one time.”
  • “If I’m gonna look at you in person… you better stop me in my tracks with some kind of aesthetic puzzle.” (Whitney, 42:44)

6. Deconstructing Online Activism & Communication

[49:31–53:52]

• Highlights an “enlightened” influencer, Joe, whose communication style is simply making sounds/light—praising her as saner than most online activists.
  • “I do think this woman's on to something, which is that speaking words isn't working.” (Whitney, 50:10)
• Critiques performative Instagram activism: “The only reason you should put something in your bio that's a political statement… is to figure out which of your friends you should euthanize because they're dangerously dumb.” (Whitney, 53:36)

7. Cell Phone Towers & The Art of Disguising the Ridiculous

[53:52–63:31]

• Explores fascination with camouflaged cell towers (“disguised as trees which fool nobody”) as a metaphor for both well-intentioned and pointless government projects and societal acclimation to absurdity.
  • “Some politicians…are actually focused on the real issues that plague America… making sure cell phone towers are covered.” (Whitney, 57:10)
• Pat offers the “Billy Bass” singing fish as the “canary in the coal mine” for normalizing artifice—objects that look like one thing but are another.
  • “It was normalizing. Like, hey, just get used to the idea that when you're looking at something, it's not the thing you think it's going to be.” (Pat, 62:56)

8. Closing Reflections: The Joy Corps Pledge

[63:31–End]

• Whitney explains her aim to regularly highlight joy-bringing internet content and not peddle only negativity.
  • “I'm going to start doing this every couple episodes. I'm not going to participate in being a drug dealer for you guys on just negative stuff…” (Whitney, 65:18)
• Reaffirms “Joy Corps,” her tongue-in-cheek movement for reclaiming the internet as a force for joy, not misery.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I'm glad she [Nelly Furtado] just went, ‘no thanks.’ But also, I'm like, there's no statistic for what's actually happening, right? …for every one dork who's like, ‘you gained weight,’ there's truly 300 dorks who are like, ‘Nelly Furtado is too skinny.’” (Whitney, 09:06)
• “Imagine a species getting truly the miracle of the ability to see anything at any time… and we only use this magic box to lie about each other and tell women they're fat.” (Whitney, 27:07)
• “Owning rats is the new Darwinism… Rats are going to be your secret weapon.” (Whitney, 33:59)
• “If you hate bats and you're not actively putting bats in boxes, you made your choice. Okay. I'm just saying.” (Whitney, 36:42)
• “The only reason you should put something in your bio that's a political statement… is to figure out which of your friends you should euthanize because they're dangerously dumb.” (Whitney, 53:36)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:19 — Open: Pineapple & “fruit basket as threat,” coconuts as killers
• 06:09–14:58 — Internet negativity, Nelly Furtado quits, coping with fame
• 23:31–30:28 — The Internet: “We’re doing it wrong,” the negative sliver
• 31:18–38:00 — Joyful feeds: Rats as heroes, rat math
• 39:01–42:44 — Plus size Disney adults, Decora fashion as radical joy
• 49:31–53:52 — Dismantling online activism, the value of absurdist communication
• 53:52–63:31 — Camouflaged cell towers, the normalization of artificiality
• 65:05–End — Whitney’s Joy Corps sign-off; promise of positive content focus

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Tone & Style

The episode is classic Whitney—absurd, whip-smart, irreverent, interrogating pop culture and society with equal parts skepticism and optimism. Her humor runs sardonic yet hopeful, calling for both radical self-care and weirdness in the face of online malaise. The camaraderie with co-host Pat injects warmth and dry wit.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is a manifesto for reclaiming the internet as a source of knowledge, laughter, and connection rather than a sewer of negativity and self-doubt. Whitney Cummings merges comic storytelling with practical wisdom: filter your digital diet, find absurd joy, nurture quirks (even rats!), and remember—joy online is not only possible but revolutionary.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Oh, hey, y'. All. Whitney here. Welcome to the program. I'm in Atlanta, Georgia, so I am on. Why am I acting so weird on Zoom doing this remotely? I'm hoping to get a podcast studio around here to shoot, because I'm gonna be here for another month or so. But for now, I am in a dressing room that is comically embarrassing. Behind me is a cartoon. Like, a cartoon. Like, Hollywood Legends. Like, I don't consider myself that, but the fact that there's a whole pineapple behind me, I just realized someone sent me, like, a. Like, a basket, and it's. I mean, truly. I don't even know how to process it. I don't know if it was accidentally supposed to go to, like, a cantina or what. It's a pineapple. It's just fruit. And the most giant phallic sausage you've ever seen. Like, a cartoon sausage. Like. Like, everything in that basket was also, incidentally, like, in the props bucket for Austin Powers when he was, like, eating the sausages over the. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even know how to cut a pineapple. It's behind me. Honestly, that's the funniest thing to send someone. Is the person that sent me a basket with a pineapple my enemy? Is this person my enemy? Or, like, was this a kind thing to do?

[B]

It's a challenge. There should be a tutorial link with it.

[A]

This person is not congratulating me. They. This is a threat. This feels like an ominous threat. I forgot how spiky pineapples were. Here's the thing about. I mean, the theme of this episode. This actually kind of works. Like, I forgot about how spiky pineapples were. Like, we only see pineapples now as, like, little emojis in Tick Tock Shop. Like, I got the pineapple. Thanks, Marcy. Like, thanks. Like, it's. When you see. When it irl, you're like, God, these are savage. Like, because every store now just has them pre cut up, and you see, like, a real one, and you're like, this is. How is this even legal? You know that coconuts kill 4,000 people a year?

[B]

Oh, yeah. They're taking out a lot of heroes, too.

[A]

I think about. Imagine all I can think about with that because you're like, oh, coconuts are, like, not adorable things. Like, they are. I mean, like, cannonballs. And when they fall from trees and hit you, I mean, you die. And that's fine. At least you're gone. But, like, what about the person who had to witness it.

[B]

Yeah. Or they have to tell. They have to tell people how you died.

[A]

That's. That's without laughing. They have to find a way to give your eulogy and be like, ah, our Mickey, he was. You know, he was walking to the beach with his Beyonce. And when that. Talking. When that. Because it's just you. Do you ever actually go to grief? Are you ever able to stop laughing when you hear about it?

[B]

I had a moment like that on Friday. The kids had a Halloween party at their school, and the parents were all supposed to be there, and I was dancing with both of my kids to that song, the Monster Mash.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And Maxine wanted me to pick her up, and I thought to myself, how hilarious would it be if I had a heart attack dancing the Monster Mash at a Halloween party? And then Candace had to tell people how I died. He was doing the mash.

[A]

I love men's. Like, once you get past asking men what they're thinking about because you are in love with them and you're trying to figure out if they're in love with you back, or you're, like, jealous and worried, like, hey, what are you thinking about? And you want them to be like you in a wedding dress. Like, what do you want them to say? Once you're able to just accept that you guys only think about death, like, how to fight someone or how to. How you're going to die in whatever scenario you're in is actually really fun, you know, because you're just like, what are you thinking about? And it's like, chris, every time I ask him, it's my favorite game. I'm like, hey, babe, what do you think about Go? And he's like, if I could win a fight with that guy, always. One time he said. I was like, babe, what do you think about? He went, squidward's head and whether or not I could punch it in. So I'm just curious about the person that witnessed the 4,000 people that witnessed this coconutting. Are they. How long do they go before a moment happens where they forgot about it? You know what I mean?

[B]

Every time they see a palm tree, I'm sure they.

[A]

Yeah, but, like, it's. It's. Every time you close your eyes, you see the person get hit by the coconut. And then years pass. What, four or five years? And then one day, this person's just, like, changing their oil, and they're like, oh, my God. I just didn't think about it. Just went, I. I just changed my oil and I didn't think about the guy's head cracking open from this. My favorite treat while drinking pina coladas, no less, wearing coconut shell bra. I mean, it's. It is. What do you do? I mean, especially in this day and age where coconut milk is just ubiquitous. Like, do they go to Starbucks and they're just like, look at that menu. Like, how do they escape the reminders? Is there any other method of perishing that taunts you as much as coconut milk? If you died via coconut.

[B]

I mean, like, car crash soundtrack having, like, a funny soundtrack in the background while you're dying?

[A]

Like a song. Like, yeah, yeah. If Margaritaville was playing.

[B]

Totally just cheeseburger.

[A]

And God, I know that you're just like. Because you don't die right away, you kind of probably go into, like, a haze that, you know, you kind of know you're about to die, and you're like, oh, this song. Oh, God. Like, just the idea that you're like that was that. You know when sometimes you hear a lyric of a song at a time where you realize how insulting it is.

[B]

Yeah. You're in a fatal car crash and ludicrous Move, get out the Way starts playing on the radio.

[A]

But, like, when you just realize, like, I want. I want to sue the Beach Boys. Like, the fact that they were like, the song's done. I think it's done. Like, a lyric that's so dumb that you're like. Are you just, like, mocking. Do you think it's a game? Is life just a game to you? Is anyone serious about anything? Is anyone? So for a living, you go, la, la, la. And now to boo. You're like, cheeseburger. And like, are you. Are we adults? Like, what are we doing? Anyway, this episode is on zoom. As you can tell, I'm a. I know this goosey. And I would just like to check in with you about a couple things. I have some things that I want to talk about, but I've, of course, been derailed. I made a very big mistake today by looking at. So my OCD kicked in, and I would like to just start off by 20 minutes in the podcast. I'm like. I would like to start off by saying, if you don't know, Nelly Furtado has quit the music business because she got bullied so bad about her body. She did some appearances, like, randomly recently, and she got bullied hard. Like, it was. There were, like, headlines that were like, she's getting crushed on the Internet. Right. And which, by the way, is. I cannot think of more of a. More Important thing for CNN to cover. But I just. I think this is a pivotal moment, right? Like, this is it. Like, we just lost someone to someone. Just. I'm not doing this. Like, have we seen this? Like, this woman just went, no, no. Like, what am I do. Why? For what? Why am I putting up with getting harassed by a bunch of dorks like that? That I am in the top 2% of the most beautiful people and the most genetically gifted people on Earth. So I think I'm just gonna head out. Is this a glimpse of sanity in within the. She's not going on podcasts talking about it. She's not going to write a book about it. She's like, oh, no, I'm leaving. No, no, no, I'm good. You know, also, but we haven't seen this yet. We haven't seen someone just go, no, thanks. Actually, I don't need to go on Dax Shepard and talk about how traumatizing it was. Turns out my life is great and I don't need this peace. I'm just gonna go live in Costa Rica and bob and weave around the coconuts like a sane adult would. I'm gonna go ahead and have a healthy relationship with fame. How about that? So that's one thought. The other is, hey, Nelly Furtado, fire everyone. Why did you even hear about this? Why does anyone here listen to me? First of all, why do you even have your social media password? That's. That's mental. All right, everyone, we gotta, like, regroup with, like, whoever's around you. Second, if I actually read any of the comments in my comment section, I would frankly be in a bunker in Slarbard, okay? Where the polar bears live. You know, where the polar bears is, where the most polar bears are. I would be in fetal position and the house that was taken over by polar bears being like, just do it. That's it. If. If I had not auto blocked the words bus, busted and hussy, okay, I would have taken a long walk off a short pier ages ago. All right? The. The days of being famous and trying to absorb feedback, like, those are kind of over. Like, if you're going to be a singer, you're not. You can only be Mariah Carey. Like, you can't. You can't. You got to have a buffer between you and humans, right to the point to where you no longer believe in time. That it's got. That's the. That. And I promise you that that is my goal. And you, you have to get to the level where when someone asks you about Nicki Minaj. You say you don't know her, even though there's footage of you with her, and you commit to it so hard that the rest of us just go, that's the truth. Now, like, you have to change what's true. And also, look, I'm glad she just went, no, thanks. But also, I'm like, there's no statistic for what's actually happening, right? So for every one dork who's like, you gain weight, there's truly 300 dorks who are like, nelly Furtado is too skinny. No, thanks. Like, there's plenty of people into it. You know what I mean? Like, also, if she got skinny, let's say she came back up with super skinny. You would say she looked old. That's the thing is that as you get older, you have to, like, keep some weight on, you know? Or those are your choices. All right? You either keep weight on. Nobody. Nobody said she looked old. That's what I want her to really take away from this. Nelly, no one said you looked old. All right? Putting weight on how you look young, right? I have a thyroid condition, so I'm. I'm currently going to get called old for a while. But when I'm able to put weight back on, I want you to know you're going to say I look fat and not old. And that's the biggest win you can get as a woman at this point. This is actually the most honorable way to exit the music business. Most people roll their ankles at a ditty party, and that's it. It's over for them. Okay? This is the way to do it. Just get. You got to just go some there. We have to have a cap on how much fame people need, because it does start to seem like an addiction. People, like, I just got to keep going. It's like, you have. So how much money is it going to take? How much fame is it going to take? I like watching someone be like, I'm good. Like, I actually have my bills paid. I was kind of just, like, doing this because I love it, but you guys made me stop loving it. I'm good. Like, flew too close to the sun. Like, that's me. There have been a couple of times where I'm like, this is about the zone I want to stay in. Okay. I can sell tickets to my shows, but, like, my middle school talent show video, right, Wrapped to Vanilla Ice and, like, hugged myself at the end. That's not getting leaked. I'm in the kind of, like, sweet spot where I can Travel the country and, like, meet awesome people. But I'm not, like, you know, having people draw diagrams of my body and, you know, running up to me with Ozempic syringes at the mall. You know, I feel like I'm in a spot. But it was. That hit me weird. I was just like, oh, another one bites the dust. You know, and this is the way to do it. You know, a lot of actually women have done this that I didn't realize, incidentally, are some of my favorite women. You know, Hedy Lamar, she just went to Florida, and she was at, like, 50. She's like, no more photos. I live in Florida now. That's Betty Page also, right? Bettie page, I like, 45. She was like, this is as good as it gets. I'm out. Shelley Duvall went to Montana, but I think also, like, Stanley Kubrick, like, made her go crazy. Amelia Earhart called it. And, Pat, what happened with Amelia Earhart? I feel like this is the show that is going to cover the doc. Look, John Oliver. Yeah, Keep covering prison reform. Oh, really? Keep blathering on about darpa. We just got to the bottom of Amelia Earhart over here. What happened? Because I know that Trump was like, we're gonna. I know you guys have been on the edge of your seats.

[B]

It's short of a good explanation or any real explanation as to why they're doing it, but I think it's got to do with the fact that Sue. So many Americans are demanding the flight information from Amelia Earhart right now, and no one else at all. There isn't another flight piece of flight history that they're curious about. It's just Amelia Earhart.

[A]

You guys, we have hundreds of pages of a flight log and manifest from. Wait for it.

[B]

Is Bill Gates on the flight log for Amelia Earhart? That's what I want to know.

[A]

Oh, God. So stupid. This show is sponsored by Better Help. When the clocks change and the sun dips earlier. Oh, my God. The fact that I'm finding out, slash, being reminded that daylight savings is coming up via this Better Help ad. Honestly, I need to change therapists. I need to change licensed therapists at Better Help, because this is a curveball that, honestly, every year I get through, every year I do need to talk to a therapist about why it is so disorganizing to me that I've never gone a year without daylight savings, yet every year I am just blindsided. What is it? Is it the panic that I'm losing an hour, Pat? Or is it, you know, me better than I know myself. Or is it the panic that my phone won't know what to do?

[B]

It's the analog clocks around the house. You gotta go chop them all down.

[A]

That's it. It's that oven I never used. It's the clock I never look at could be wrong.

[B]

The one on the laundry machine that you're always staring at.

[A]

But I. There's not a clock on the laundry machine path. Even I know that. I truly have a couple clocks in my house that I never look at that are only for decorum. And I'll just know they're wrong. Because you know this about me. You know I'm the person that decorates the back of the tree that nobody sees and the clock nobody sees if it's wrong. I can't sleep. I am sick to my stomach. So if you're like me and can't handle consistent changes or also. By the way, you know what? The thing that actually I need to talk to therapist the most about is the self righteous indignation of about why daylight savings isn't necessary anymore. It throws. This is another way the government tries to throw us off so that we're tired and scrambling.

[B]

Don't get me started on the 13 month calendar because we'll be.

[A]

Oh no, is that like Aztec?

[B]

No, It's. What? There's 13 moon cycles exactly every year.

[A]

Goodbye.

[B]

Game over.

[A]

Game over. I can't handle this bat. You know that. That was. I'm. That was transgress. What's it called? What's it called when someone says. What do we call it now? A transgression. What is it? A microaggression. That was a macro aggression. Anyway, take care of your mental health guys. Don't be like me and care about where the moon is at any given time. Reaching out takes a little courage to a therapist, but it's worth it. Don't be one of those people that says why didn't I do that sooner? Or in my family member's case, saying, why hasn't Whitney done this more? Why do I have to go to therapy? Because she won't give me money and I just.

[B]

The solution is so obvious.

[A]

Why won't she get me a new laptop so that I can go to online therapy? The point is betterhelp.com reach out, check in on a friend and if you've been considering therapy. What? No, checking in on a friend is why I have to go to therapy in the first place. Better help. Why are you telling me to do that? If you've been considering therapy Take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Whitney that's betterhelp hp.com Whitney you guys, I don't know if you've noticed this about me, but I have been solidified as a fashion icon. I would like to say it's effortless and in many ways it is. But I couldn't do without Revolve Revolve clothing. I mean honestly it's. I'm not even kidding. It is everything I want. And I don't know, I think you can go to my like top picks. Like the things that I would my favorite shop, my favorites. But when I go on there I'm like is why is this all curated for me? I don't even know how they do it. I want everything that is on their site. And it's not just things that are expensive and fancy. Like I did recently get a pair of pants with a bedazzled horse on this side. I no longer have to Winnie the pooh around with this shirt. It's found a mate. New arrivals dropped daily at Revolve. Always something fresh to try. Huge selection. 1200 brands and 100000 styles. From an easy daytime uniform or fancy fancy. I don't know, maybe want to go elope? Vacation nights out, birthdays. I guess people still celebrate things. That's cool. A Goldie. Am I saying that right? Norma Kamali. These are all brands. I love that I'm like, not whenever someone's like what brand is that? I have them just look at the tags. I'm like, I don't know if I'm fancy enough to know how to pronounce this. Amanda Uprichard. Super down. Free people, more to come. Trust added to cart. The experience is smooth, fast two day shipping, easy returns. It's a place where I go with when I want to be the best version of me. If you're eyeing a closet, glow up. Start here. Revolve.com Whitney Shop my favorites. Take 50% off your first order with the code Whitney. Offer ends December 7th. That's Revolve.com Whitney 15% off your first order. That's a lot. Code Whitney Revolve 15% off. By the way, she was eaten by crabs. We knew know that, right? Her body was eaten by what kind of crabs are they called? Coconut crabs. Oh God.

[B]

Another coconut related coconut crabs.

[A]

They're just this.

[B]

I know my new cause they're the coconuts of crabs.

[A]

I guess I just, I feel like if you got famous or rich or Successful. As soon as you hit that peak, you gotta. If you're like, la, la la, and people start throwing money at you, you should just be like, literally behave as if you just robbed a bank and got away with it and just disappear. Because that's actually what happened. Like, you just stole and got away with it and was like, yeah, just go for it. Like, you Robin hooded that. Because otherwise it's just all downhill from there. You gotta know when you made rich famous out. The rest of this, the rest of it is just people thinking you don't deserve it and thinking it's my term. But I know you're like, what about you? But no, no, my problem is I am emotionally dyslexic. And I. If you guys, if there weren't negative comments about me, I would have done it. I would have been like, all right, I did it. But now I just. I'm just curious if the people that were bullying her once she quit, if they're like, I don't have to look at that pig come across my feet again. Like, as if she was coming across your feed. Your feet is Zelda. And the cliffs were the. To jump off for the Pokemons. Like, what. How did. Was. Was Nelly Furtado really just ruining your life? Like, I'm just riveted by this. So those are the kind of people that I'm like, you know what? It's actually my responsibility to make sure if you don't like me that you see me every day. Like, every day. I just. I truly think on some level I'm like, why do I still do this? Like, what am I doing this for? I am doing it for people that don't like me. I can quit. I have everything. I like. I could go be a farm guy. I could go live in a bunker. And like, you know, no. Nope. I am going to stay in this business just to spite you monsters. And now that you did this to Nelly Furtado, I am doubling down. I will not let you win. I will start doing commercials. I will start doing pop up ads. I will start doing, like, mint mobile ads.

[B]

Did Flo from Progressive's cousin just fly into town?

[A]

I will be floating from Progressives. Wonky AI robot. All right. I will truly take jobs for free. Just to make sure you have to look at me in some capacity. I'll trick or treat in your neighborhood. Okay, I'm. I will happily descend into a parody of myself just to spite the trolls and frankly, bots who want to make me quit. I'll become a teacher at your school, homie. I'm ashamed. I shouldn't have done this. I just focused on something kind of negative because this was a little bit of a curveball today. Nelly, fly like a bird. We love you. Good for you. But I will carry on your legacy. I didn't want to be negative today. In fact, I was going to spend this whole episode basically letting you guys in on this new thing that I'm doing. Don't panic. It's not a cleanse. I'm not in ketosis. I. I would like to highlight the fact that I think we're wrong. I think we're all doing life wrong at the moment, and I believe it's a tiny tweak. It's a tiny little tweak. I just started working on something, and everyone I talked to. I think a lot of people now believe that they need to be miserable or pretend to be miserable or sad, or else it seems like they're either bragging or dumb. Like, if you're like, I'm doing great, it's like, oh, really? Like, oh, you don't know what's going on in the world. Like, you're basically just saying, I'm an idiot, or you're happy and like, but how could you be happy with J? Like, people ask people how they are. They can't. They're, like, you know, considering. And you're like, what? Just, who has cancer? And they're like, no, just, you know, I'm like, what? What? Like, I think people think. Feel guilty for feeling good. Or it's. I don't know. Maybe it's fashionable. Who cares? The point is, I think that we are only focusing on and we are basing our outlooks on life on a tiny sliver of the Internet that is negative. And I just want to prove that. We're bombing, frankly. We're bombing this. We're bombing this. We are bombing our lifetime. Because imagine a species getting truly the miracle of the ability to see anything at any time, to know anything at any time, and we only use this magic box to lie about each other and tell women they're fat. Like, it. I'm not. I'm gonna be the weirdo who loves the Internet because I refuse to take the greatest invention of all time and turn it into a bum fight. It's. So imagine if the fir. The first car. Is it model T? Who did it? Ford. That was called. Imagine the first car being built, and everyone just slashed the tires and pulled out all the parts and just started beating each other with it. That didn't happen, did it? Imagine if the first train that ever took off, humans just started attack, setting it on fire and just pushing people into the flames. Right? The first plane is built. People just get on it. Halfway through, they just all bum rush the pilots so they don't crash. Like, have we done this with any other invention?

[B]

It takes us a while to figure out the worst way to use a piece of technology.

[A]

Yeah, but it was cars. Like, it took a while to be like, well, let's crash into each other, you know? I don't know. What are we doing with this mirror? It's been 20. We've had the Internet for, like, 20 strong years, right? And I don't know one person who's learned a new language. Not one. We actually speak worse English now. Like, it's. We speak worse English than before. We thought that the Internet was going to make us, like, realize that globally, like, we're all the same. But it made us actually hate anyone that wasn't just us. We. We got to see every culture, every. We watched Bourdain. He went around the world, and then he was miserable. We've seen every documentary, every culture. Like, no, Me. It was. I knew it. I knew it was me this whole time. And that you were all garbage. The fact that the greatest invention in the world that could have united us all, had us all learn each other's languages, and, I mean, imagine the fact that we're not just facetiming with people from another country all day, being like, what's it like? What? Hi. It is crazy. Okay, so the fact that we have this amazing invention and it is mostly used for porn and fighting about whether or not Biden is a clone is so peak us. So I would like to spend some time on this show proving to you why the Internet is awesome, because I'm getting a lot of like. Well, because the Internet just, like, ruined the world. No, no, no. Social media. No. Dude, I'm such a dork. I'm. Dude, I'm. What is it? Joy Corps. I'm starting this Joy Core. That's me, dude. I get on my algorithm. Okay, listen to me. I implore you. This has changed my life. To walk away from the mental buffet of garbage and muck that you are shoveling into your pie hole and polish up your Internet hygiene. In today's episode, I will be featuring some feeds I believe will fix the dystopian nightmare that is your hippocampus based on your social media diet, which they're feeding you because it causes conflict. Right? We all know that, but we don't do anything about it. So if you follow these feeds, I actually will put money on that. Within a couple of weeks, you will stop being that annoying person at work where when someone asks you how you're doing, you're like, you know, I guess as good as someone can be, you know, oh, we're trying to have it. Yeah, hanging in. We're trying to have a kid. But like, is it really okay to bring a kid into the world with what's going on? What's going on? You say, say one fact. What is going on? Like what? Well, you know.

[B]

I don't even know where to start.

[A]

Where. Yeah, fascism. I'm like, what? Huh? That's been around actually everywhere the last couple. It's the, the littlest. It's been, I think, isn't it in history.

[B]

As soon as there were six people.

[A]

There was probably there was considering. I mean, honestly, someone that just parrots what 22 year olds say on their Snapchat, please don't have a kid. But I don't know why people think all of a sudden they get points for spreading malaise. Stop bumming me. By the way. Have a fact, have a. Have something to contribute. Okay? And this is perfect segue. This is where rats come in. Now, rats. This is a guy who is gonna tell you about the wonder of rats.

[B]

Meet Fig, the southern giant pouched rat. Yes, this is a rat. It's one of the largest species in the world. And Fig here is so remarkable. This species is the one that they teach to sniff out landmines in Africa. Because of that, they've taken on the name hero rat. They also can sniff out tuberculosis and human saliva.

[A]

So if you're still even watching this podcast, instead of going over to his page, I want to just set the table here. I just, I want to be clear that we are at the stage of society where there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. The people who have befriended and trained rats are the only ones who will survive. Starting, like now. Dogs, just so you know, are cooked. I personally have not seen the useful dog in years. You creepy breeders inbred them to the point of them being truly unrecognizable. Dogs now just look like, like all the fao short stuffed animals in the outlet. You know, like the wonky ones. Dogs are truly just all lemons at this point. Dogs, they don't. When's this time you met a dog that lived past six? I mean, the labradoodle is a mistake. I'm not saying it. I'm in Atlanta. Every dog is a Labradoodle. I'm like, get that thing on a leash, dude. It's a glitch in the ancestral flow. The guy who inbred them said, stop buying them. He was like, abort the mission, dude. These are. Okay. They're not hypoallergenic. That's a lie. Labradoodles are, like the Australia of dogs. Like, you're all in. Everyone's blonde and hot with, like, great hair. Everything. Everything seems so, like, nice and fun, right? But then you get there and you're like, hold on. You guys have spiders that eat snakes? I scheduled my honeymoon here. Why did you. Your. Your spiders eat entire birds and grab them out of the air. Way to bury the lead. Australia. Don't. Oh. Oh. The spiders also eat the beak. They. No, they regurgitate the beak and wear the beak just to let everyone know they just swallowed an entire. They also brag about it. Okay? Labradoodles are like. Have you ever. You only see Labradoodles alone? Have you ever seen another dog see a Labradoodle? They don't know. They think it's a balloon. They're like. They don't. It doesn't. Doesn't move like a dog. It doesn't have any dog characteristics. I'm just. I'm just telling you dogs. Not helpful right now. Rats. Rats. You know that rats can suss out landmines and detonate them, right? Pat, you know this, right?

[B]

I'm becoming aware rapidly, and I would.

[A]

Just like everyone to. I mean, honestly, it's prejudice. Like, this is. We need to move on to prejudice in animals for our own good. Owning rats is the new Darwinism. Like, they will truly be the only thing that will be able to, like, find you food during the. They'll be able to get, like, seeds, right? Pat, do you want to check me on this? That rats IQ is 105, which I think is the equivalent of a human teenager in 1970, probably. I'm just saying this is great news. Get on board. Fall. You got to start. Watch it. Fall in love with them. Rats are going to be your secret weapon, all right? And I am personally, I'm getting it on the ground floor. Rats and orcas. I'm in. So maybe less time in the comment section just throwing vitriol out of people. More time letting rats know that you're on their side. Okay? And I just. If you're not one of the kind of people who are ingratiating themselves with rats. I do not want you near me. You frankly, have no protection. You're a danger to those around you. So you realize that rats should have been what cats currently are, right? We did get a little bit backwards, right? Yes. Cats actively bring in toxoplasmosis into your house and blood. But rats would have helped you get ahead of that problem that toxoplasmosis got you in. I'm just saying, if you're not actively training rats, you're frankly an obstacle at this point. And honestly, not even a patriot in the slightest. So. I know rats are gross, okay? We used to think a lot of things were gross. Like, we used to be like, cheese. It's mold. Yeah. Gross. So GROSS, it's now $70 to be on a piece of wood with a bunch of edible flowers. Like, it's like, we now serve cheese like this. We like. It's got its own case in a wrapping. It's got its own wrapping. Remember when we're like, snails, gross. Now we put snail sperm on our faces for $80. So rats will have the same trajectory. Bats also. Okay. Get in some of these bat. Bat husbandry feeds. Okay. Get in on the ground floor. Bats are the rats with wings. Yes. But turns out if we didn't kill all these bats, we might not have had malaria, so. Just saying. They eat all the nasty mosquitoes, but we're like, oh, bats are ugly. You know what else is ugly? Diarrhea till you die. Also gross. You know, malaria is one of the biggest killers of human. Every year. So if you hate bats and you're not actively putting bats in boxes, you made your choice. Okay. I'm just saying. I just would like you to know liking ugly animals is the new evolutionary advantage. You heard it here.

[B]

I wanted to bring an infographic to your attention before we moved on from the rats.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This is a thing. I've been a fan of this infographic for many years. It's called rat math. So they can reproduce.

[A]

Chris is dying laughing.

[B]

Rat math. So a rat, after it's born, I think it. It only takes, like, three months before it can start reproducing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And each rat can have four to six litters per year, and each litter has six to 12 rats in it. Two rats. Give them, you know, a couple of months, you gotta. You got thousands of rats. It's gnarly.

[A]

But they only live up to 18 months. That's heartbreaking.

[B]

Yeah, but they're gonna have 24 babies. That can all have.

[A]

But Then you got dead rats everywhere. Do they eat the corpses of their ancestors?

[B]

I mean, I'm sure they. I'm sure a rat's gonna eat a rat. They're rats.

[A]

A rat corpse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Anyway, I. I love this infograph. I saw this 20 years ago. Big fan. I bring it up all the time.

[A]

By the way, if Theo doesn't use that as his next tour poster, I can't help. And now for a different kind of math. Plus size park hoppers. Now this really just tickled me. All right, another positive feed. Another positive group of people to have in your life, in your psyche. Now let's play a quick video. These are plus size women that go in a group seemingly to amusement parks daily. Unclear. I don't know how to say it except they. They won life. You lost. Here they are.

[C]

There is a tall divider between the two seats. The safety mechanism here is a lap bar that does need to get to a certain position to lock. Katie and I were both able to get the green light on the test seat, and we found the lap bar to be pretty, Pretty generous where it had to lock. Ashley tried the test seat and because of how narrow it was, she was unable to sit fully in the seat and pull down the lap bar. Unfortunately, she was not able to ride.

[A]

Okay, listen to me. This isn't a joke. I love watching them because you know what these people did? They found their thing. They found their thing, their plus size. No plans to change it. No plans to change it. No. The shame. They're not trying to. They're not trying to get represented on tv. They don't feel erased. They don't feel disrespected. No, they. They go to Disneyland to help other people figure out which rides they can ride. Right. If you're also not a whiner, okay, here's what works. Here's what doesn't. We fit on this one. We didn't fit on this one. You don't have to feel bad about it. You're not feeling guilty for enjoy. You're not feeling like you need to fix it things. They're not making you feel good. They're not yelling at you. There's no ads for Ozempic. They're not suing any of the parks or lecturing anyone on how they need to change their whole business model to accommodate them. They dress up to match the rides and then they tell you where they got their costume so you can get a too. This is. This fixes most of my problems. Okay? One of the girls almost never Fits in the ride and she laughs about it. She'll get in. She's like, no. Oh, well, I'll just go eat the marshmallows at the Nintendo mushroom bar. Yeah. She's not. She's not hashtagging, canceling. She'll trying to start a movement. She understands that life is a give and take. She's not. She doesn't boycott. She's not attacking it at establishment. You know, she puts her Yoshi hat on and she gets back in the game. She goes over the Little Mermaid and high fives the Ursula statue and has the best day of her life. This is it. This is the American dream. It's the American spirit. Yes. Okay. Breath of fresh air. If you're a heavyset Disney adult, this should be your personality. Honestly, this should be every adult's personality. Here's what works. I tried. It didn't work. Here's some insight. Like it don't. I got this shirt at TJ Maxx. Move on. Now, this is the perfect segue into decora. Now, decora. Let me just show you. Decora. This is a. This is a girl explaining what decor is, how to get into decor. It is a look that. I don't know if you've seen Labyrinth, but you know, the. The woman at the end who has, like, a giant mountain of trash on her back at all times. The current version of that, but it's like, on your face kind of. Let's watch her. She's adorable.

[D]

Old school fruits. Era decora mid 2000s pink and dark decora pastel decora bright rainbow decora monochromatic decora. Oshi decora. So that you won't get overwhelmed, start by picking just one first step. Dissect an image. Now that you have your inspirations, take one picture and dissect it into parts. So, for example, with this image, top to bottom, we have hair clips on top of the hair on the face, all the stuff stickers on the neck, all of the necklaces on the wrist, all the bracelets and the fingers, all the rings. Depending on the kind of decor that you like, I want you to notice, like, all of the colors, the patterns, the fit of the clothes, how everything is arranged. And when you put everything on, you're gonna put it on each section by section.

[A]

So decor is a Japanese street fashion subculture that is. It's basically from the. Is it the harajoku girls is. Am I saying that pronouncing that right? It's basically layering everything you own onto your face at one time. Okay. And I am all for it. If I'm gonna look at you in person, right? And you're not gonna be my phone, you better bring it. You better look. You better make me do math. You better stop me in my tracks with some kind of aesthetic puzzle. I better be slightly worried about you, but also, like, impressed at all the things you fit on your head. Like, I want hair clips. I want. I want your sunglasses to be a pair of boo boos hot glued together. I want your shirts just be 32 popples sewn together. Okay? What do you. I want your tampon to be a koosh ball at this point, I want Someone make me feel something. All right? I want. Your earrings should just be lawn darts. Your hat is just an easy bake Oven. Like, we need to all embrace the absurdity of what's going on. And frankly, if you don't look like a Tamagotchi, you're dumb. Like, if you can't signal from across the parking lot that you're like, yep, I just wanted to wear all of them. All I. All of them. I'd be like, sick, dude. Thank you for showing me. I only want to know what's in someone's bathroom. Thank you for just showing me all of it. Thank you. Thank you for just reminding me that China won. You're just covered all in every Chinese clip and toy. Just. That's it. We're done. If you're going to show yourself publicly or in my feet at this point, the energy that you need to show up with is that I'm done. Bum. It's not wearing the guy with a shirt that says feminist. Get away from me. Get away from me. Stop wearing your. What is it? Todd's Toms. For every shoe, we give a pair of shoes to someone in Africa. What? I don't think you do.

[B]

Why aren't you wearing all of your toys, Tom?

[A]

Hey, Tom. What's the fuss? How about send? They're like, can we get some water?

[B]

Tom, why aren't you wearing your anime collection?

[A]

Hey, Tom, just curious. Could we get, like, a dasani up in the cut? Thank you so much for the shoes, but we don't have, like, needles everywhere like you do in Venice, where you live. We're good, by the way. Also, these are ugly. What can we get, like, Air Jordan or. I just. I like it. You know why my bar is so low? For the way people present themselves. At this point, I. I am what? Anything that looks like you put some effort in. Even if you look like an actual, like, vending Machine in a carnival. Do that. Do that. Because everyone now is just, like, in forever pajamas. Like, everyone's just. Uggs. Grown adults just in. In fleece cozies. Like, everyone just looks like they're going to. To a sleepover at a graveyard because it has to be, like, cool, right? It's like my. My black hoodie, my beige hoodie. It's like girls and. Oh, my God, the baggy pajamas. This is the other. It's the baggy pajama bottoms and then the tight, like, corset top with their belly out. It's like, to what function? What's the function? I'm unclear on the event. You're. You're pairing the most uncomfortable top ever made for women made 400 years ago to frankly, like, make sure women couldn't, like, breathe or move or, like, function. And then on the bottom, the coziest product ever made for a human. Can anyone just pick a lane? Maybe it's that. It's just if you have 15 breaths on your eyebrows, I'm like, you picked the thing and you committed and I trust you. Like, I. I trust you. I can't. I mean, I just. Adults are going to act like kids either way. Just go. If you're going to go at it, go hard. Okay? I don't want you having two or three. Like a pigtail. We're not doing that, right? Grown men already collect toys with, like, Marvel figurines and. And you wear them. Wear them. I want to see it. Okay. No one has a wallet anymore that shows that they have money in their back pocket. Show me what you have. A value in your home. I want it on your jeans. I want everyone, like, a. To be just like a Marvel pirate or like a Claire's kiosk at all times. I want to see your booty, your things. I just want to. I want to know what you have. You know, I think that we spend so much also on the Internet. Everyone shows their thing. Everything. Show and tell. Everyone's in show and tell. We're back to, like, look at my thing. Look at my thing. Nails. Show me. I don't want to know how your day is. I just want to know what you've got. You have. You have a good necklace on. Why don't you have on all of them? I'd like to see them all. Stop pretending there's going to be a tomorrow to wear the other ones. All of them at once. All right? That's when people are actually preparing for, like, real apocalypse. You, like, I'm gonna leave I'm just gonna assume I'm gonna get robbed when I leave the house. So I'm taking everything. Like, I've got these barrettes in my hair for the past five minutes. I already feel liber. It's liberating. If somebody needs a bread, I'm like, I got you, dude. Ponytail guy. Sure, I have a clip for you to put your hair up in a bun because you need to eat soup. I got you. This next woman is frankly my. What is it when you have like a. I don't know, my savior, my religious, my beacon of hope. This woman is. Her name is Joe. She channels. How would you describe her, Pat? I just, I don't know how to say it. Not in life.

[B]

Enlightened. She's enlightened. Yes.

[A]

I, I, I mean, if I, I could tell you what she is in her language, which is evolved. Yeah, but like, like, does that make sense?

[B]

That that clears all the confusion.

[A]

So why don't you just play it? Like, maybe it'll become more clear to you if you, if you'. Do you get it? Like, do you get it now? Is that self. Like you got it?

[B]

I'm intrigued for sure.

[A]

So this woman is. She is talking through light. And she is correct. I do think this woman's on to something, which is that speaking words isn't working. I think it's safe to say we try to. We. I don't think they. What's the word? Like, I think they are obsolete. And I think the next stage is just going to be making up sounds. And the people that get it, get it. And the people that don't aren't your people. If you walk into a party and just go. If someone's into that, that's just your life now. It's just you two, and that's it. I don't. Why is this woman. We were watching this last night, and I was like, oh. And I was like, no. Why is this woman any crazier than someone saying, I think we can fix global warming with my, the glacier machine? Like, that's a crazy person. That's someone that speaks words. It in Toledo lecturing me on how they're gonna fit, how we should. What we should do to fix global warming. I, you, I think you guys need to understand. You need to watch this because you're gonna go, oh, this woman's going nuts. She's insane. No, this is the sanest thing you can do is just make noises. Making noise, gibberish, nonsensical. That bird sounds is the sanest version of moving through the world today. Okay. Okay. You know what she doesn't have on her Instagram bio? Yes. Does it say I eat light molecules or whatever? Whatever. What is a crazy IG bio? Is someone writing Free Gaza as if that's gonna do it. You did. Like, someone wrote Free send profile as if that's going to do anything except make dumb people think you're a good person. She's not trying to convince dumb people that she's worried when the conflict in.

[B]

The Middle east finally wraps it up, somebody's going to get in front of a camera and they're going to say, hey, thanks, Kai in Portland for that bumper sticker.

[A]

Of course it's Guy. The only reason you should put something in your bio that's a political statement or something everybody already agrees on is something that should happen. It should only be to figure out which of your friends you should euthanize because they're dangerously dumb. If you put in your bio, like, stop sex trafficking, you're either trying to bait people to tell you, oh, here's how we stop it. I. There's an organization that. To give you the address of where it's happening so you can go rescue the girls and take them home. Like, otherwise. No, you don't know. You don't. You don't know. You know so little about the issue that you think you can make an impact on it. And that's a dangerous person. That's a dangerous person. Like, I just. Anyone. Someone that writes Free Palestine on their social media. And I just. Everyone seems to be talking about this right now, obviously. So that's the only reason I'm bringing it up. If you can't be. If you. Your. What's the word I'm trying to say about. You're making light of the cause. You're embarrassing them.

[B]

It's inappropriate.

[A]

It's honestly rude for you to even think that you can have. I just. You know what it is? Yeah. Whitney, you talk about elephants. I never say, save the elephants. I say, don't ride elephants. I give a directive that would result in that. So if you got, say donate to this. Read this. But just like you, I'm just saying I can't do this. And I honestly don't know how to describe the deep relief I felt when I saw this woman just, honestly just making canary sounds at me. I was like, someone gets it that words are broken and that this is now the only way to communicate and truly be heard. I list. I watched the whole video. Like, I heard her. You know what she said was, like, sad, but, like, I was like, okay, this is maybe where we're going to sonar. All right? Like, we're just going beep, beep. Like we're on some beep, beep, beep, beep. That's about the only way you can make a sound that another human hears. And it goes, well, so, thanks, Joe. Thanks. This is kind of a random curveball patch. Let me send this to you. The cell phone towers. Now, it's important that you guys get this in your feed. Get familiar with the cell phone towers that are disguised as trees. Okay. I know this is something no other podcast would touch. This is where we shine over here on. Good for you. Now, these are, you know, cell phone towers. These are cell phone towers that are disguised as trees. Now, first of all, no, they're not. Okay. Does that look like a tree to anyone except, like, the first guy who got lasik in, like, 89. Okay, no one's. This is. Not even. I see this in California. And you're just like, okay, that's a cell phone tower. What? You realize that actual cell phone towers are wood, and then they cover it with fake plastic and fake leaks. It will look more like a tree if you just left it. I think it's important that with so much negativity that we see of, like, corrupt politicians, that we also reminded that some politicians, you know, are trying. Okay, yes. Some take corporate money and they lie and that some of them are actually focused on the real issues that. That plague America and they're putting the solution over the finish line. Okay? Someone's cause was like, these phone poles, they look too much, like they're an eyesore and that I'm not. They don't look enough like the fake Christmas trees at Costco, and I won't tolerate this another minute. They made sure that their plan got heard, that it got voted for. They made sure that they got an actual dollar bill to cover this. They got $1 to do this whole project.

[B]

They did a press release. They. They did a press release about camouflaging something. Does that mind the camouflage? Like, you don't camouflage something and then announce it. You let it remain hidden and have everybody think that it's magic that the cell phones are working.

[A]

I just don't think we focus enough on what actually does get done in the government. I look at that, I'm like, so this got done. This, like, started as a seed. There were meetings. They took meetings with tree cover people with, like, the Christmas. The guy that does the trees at Belk or whatever. They got a bid from a couple different people, are like, yeah, I think we could just wrap. Like, yeah, we can do that. And then a couple contractors got home and they were like, what? We can't make a piece of wood look like a tree. Here's why I find this riveting, Pat. Why do I find it riveting?

[B]

Because you've been looking for a cell phone tower and you haven't been able to find one.

[A]

That's why my cell phone was. Yeah. Everyone's going, where are all the towers? The next politician is going to come and go, we need more cell phone towers. I haven't seen one in ages. So this is what my brain does, which is like. It's so ugly and so not. I mean, for, like, by the way, can I do it? Let me. Just let me do it. Anyone could have done a better job, truly. Anyone. Like, I. When I decorate for Christmas, I will have 50. 50 fake trees that look like actual trees. I honestly, I volunteer as tribute. Like, I'll do it for free, but they don't want. Here. I think it's this. I think. Yes. Could this just be a dumb initiative by someone in an office that has, like, ocd, you know, and they're like, the phone poles, like, they just can't. They close their eyes and I just see phone poles. Fine, maybe, but, like, you know, they're like, yeah, I know. Like, fine, the water's full of poison and, you know, like, the bridges are collapsing. But, like, when someone crawls out of the river after the bridge collapse, like, they don't. They shouldn't have to look at a phone pole. You know, as they. As their lungs fill up with water, poisoned water from falling off the bridge and drowning. That last moment where they grab their child to say I love you. They should be able to look at a tree and not a phone pole. Like, I don't. That could be happening. Yes. But to me, this seems suspiciously like a floater. Like a floater to, like, test us, you know? I feel like the powers that be, like, dole out a couple things just to, like, see how we're going to react, you know? Like, the drones kind of felt like a. Let's just see. Let me just see how long they care. Like, let's just see what we can get past them, you know, let's just. Yes, it's to mock us, of course, but also just to see what we'll put up with and what we'll go. What we'll let slide. I think there's certain things that happen in society where it's like, let's just see. Let's like a little experiment to like see what. What as a species we let slide and to just get us used to blatantly insulting societal changes that we have no control over and just have to accept. And first it starts with phone poles looking like dumb trees. Then it's like, we need your child's fingerprint in utero. And we're like, ah, that seems weird, but I don't. I can't pay the hospital bill, so I'm gonna forget about that in a minute. Right? The slow gaslighting of getting us to kind of get familiarized with like accepting ridiculous things under the guise that, well, we're just trying to make things look aesthetically pleasing.

[B]

Which is why big like the big mouth billy bass, the singing bass on the wall.

[A]

Do you remember it has a recording device in it.

[B]

The singing bass on the wall.

[A]

I know of it.

[B]

What about it Took Me to the River. It was a big hit. It looked like a real fish hanging on the wall.

[A]

No, I remember these.

[B]

But when you. When you got close to it, it turned its head, looked at you and started singing a tune.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That was the canary in the coal mine for me on all this 30 years ago.

[A]

It's just like Pat is so ahead of me. Like I can't even. But what. Who's the they behind the. You know what I mean? I. Is that. Well, I just feel like it goes like here. You just accept that this phone pole is a palm tree. And now you know. Because we want to look nice. Which is also why we chose your adorable child's face to be the face of the robots. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it. Trust us. What's with the bath thing?

[B]

You know, the rubber fish.

[A]

I know it. But why is was.

[B]

It was probably the best product at the time that tricked people into thinking it was something that it wasn't. But what it was was like a man made thing that delivered content to you. It sang a song in your face and it was a little robot bass.

[A]

What was the song?

[B]

Take Me to the river by the Talking Heads.

[A]

Oh, that's what you said. And what did it make you do or normalize?

[B]

Well, it would. It would scare people a little bit, which was funny, but it would, it was, it was normalizing. Like, hey, just get used to the idea that when you're looking at something, it's not the thing that you think it's going to be.

[A]

Got It. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. I'm kind of like stuffed animals that. But you're right. Realistic. Realistic simulation. Yeah. Okay, look, I'm just saying. Or it could just be the people in office are that stupid. And that could also be it.

[B]

Is your laptop on a lazy Susan right now, spinning around in a circle.

[A]

You guys are honestly. I have just worked a 12 hour day. I'm pulling my eyelashes out, by the way. This just reminds me of a pack can be so savage. Like one time, in the most droll way, we were on a call one time with like some filmers who were shooting me doing stand up at venues. Like, you know when you guys see all these like crowd work videos, like, we need something to come shoot them. And sometimes it's just some like, rando and like, you know, you know, Houston, Texas. And he got on the. Everyone's like, oh, well, this footage came in. And this footage came in and like, we. Maybe we should add this together as like a trailer for like. And Pat just like chimed in and was like, hey, so just like moving forward. If you could just shoot the sets on something other than a potato from the 70s, but like death.

[B]

Serious, solid, solid advice, though.

[A]

I still love about that. Well, on that note, I am shooting on this wobbly laptop, so this should only be happening in another couple episodes. But again, I'm going to try to get a studio this week in Atlanta. I love you guys as always. Don't write elephants. Did this episode make any sense, Pat? I wrote it on set with fake nails and I can hardly type.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's a lot of fun. This is a good one.

[A]

A lot of fun.

[B]

This was a lot of. A lot of big laughs.

[A]

No, that's like saying to someone like, I love your shirt. It's so fun. Like, that's the meanest thing you can.

[B]

Say to someone, but that you are wearing a fun shirt.

[A]

You just basically said, bless your heart this episode. Bless its heart. Now I'm going to start doing this every couple episodes. I'm going to go, we're not talking about only negative stuff. I'm not going to participate and being a drug dealer for you guys on just negative stuff that you've already been bummed by. We're. Dude. Joy Corps. I'm going to start raving. You know, Nelly Furtado made up drum and bass music. No way.

[B]

Invented it.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Wait, Al Gore was a part of that, too?

[A]

Who?

[B]

Al Gore. Gore been a part of that too.

[A]

Look it up. I can't I won't. I only watch men who wear rats on their shoulder. Dude, rats. Dude, I'm telling you, Rat math. Hashtag rat math. Don't ride elephants. Love you guys.

[B]

Sa.