Resolutions | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 325

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good For You with Whitney Cummings

Episode 325: Resolutions | January 12, 2026

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Overview

In this solo episode, Whitney Cummings dives into the idea of New Year's resolutions—exploring what they really mean, why people make them, and how she’s personally adjusting her approach for 2026. Mixing sharp personal anecdotes with her signature self-deprecation and comedic tangents, Whitney also addresses recent online accusations about her podcast’s legitimacy, poking fun at internet culture, trolls, and the bizarre economy around social media metrics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nature of New Year's Resolutions

• Whitney’s take: Resolutions are largely arbitrary, often rooted more in social or commercial pressures than real self-improvement ([00:31]).
  • "Is it based in capitalism to, like, sell calendars or gym memberships? Who invented the New Year's resolution thing? Big, big elliptical, big sit up, big squat?" ([02:32])
• Pat’s input: (Co-host) Resolutions should be possible any day; January 1 isn’t inherently special ([02:08]).

2. Whitney’s 2026 Resolutions

• Blocking negativity: Whitney resolves to "block" people online who bring negativity or trolling. She reframes this as self-care.
  • "This is the year that if you are a dork or a dweeb or a kook or a nut or a drip or a piss ant or a butthead—going to block you." ([04:09])
  • "This might be the year that I bully bullies. Maybe that's okay. File it under self-care, because you can do anything as long as you say it's self-care." ([05:42])
• No more piercings: She's putting a hold on adding more, realizing the need to mature past attention-seeking behaviors ([08:13]).
  • "No more attention. Unless it's my work. Like, I get plenty of attention. We don't have to hole punch my face all the time. I'm getting older. That's fine." ([08:37])
• Phone/social media use: Instead of the standard "reduce screen time" pledge, Whitney suggests curating feeds to follow smarter, more interesting people ([09:30]).
  • "I should scroll more. Just have it be smarter people." ([09:58])
• Shopping: Recommends not necessarily less scrolling, but less impulsive shopping ([10:21]).

3. Reflections on Social Media Trends

• Not caring what people think: Whitney argues that most people online already show a remarkable lack of concern for others' opinions and perhaps should start caring more—about the right people ([11:10]).
  • "I think we all need to care, like, way more about what other people think. Just the right people." ([12:13])

4. Online Criticism & Accusations

• Whitney openly responds to rumors that she uses bots to inflate her podcast numbers:
  • She explains how YouTube promotion actually works and debunks bot accusations ([28:52]).
  • "If anything they are accusing me of, to be clear, was true—Inflating numbers artificially on YouTube—are fraud. It's called fraud. YouTube would have taken my channel by now." ([28:36])
  • Her team uses YouTube's ad platform, just like any business promotes a product—no secret bot farms ([29:27]).
  • She auto-blocks hate comments for community health, not for hiding criticism ([32:33]).

5. Internet Trolls and the Attention Economy

• Whitney sees a strange kinship with trolls, noting how negativity fuels both sides and creates a peculiar online economy:
  • "You real live trolls, you're so much more robotic than any bot." ([41:50])
  • "For like an older dude podcaster to troll me is like, you're DOS, dude." ([41:54])
• She draws parallels between YouTube/podcast "takedown" content and her own fascinations, admitting she enjoys a good niche obsession herself ([43:01]).
  • "I love a weird cause. Like, my version of this is… I’m like Shirley Temple's agent. I'm a dog with a bone." ([44:01])

6. Self-Esteem and Adjusting to Haters

• Whitney is increasingly unfazed by criticism—seeing rampant attacks as an indicator of her relevance and success ([46:40]).
  • "It's what, like, it also, dorks… if you're going through old episodes and cutting them up to make me look bad, it—you're just making my numbers go up cause you're watching it. A hate watch is a watch, babe." ([46:42])
• She claims rejecting self-deprecation and leaning in to confidence, partly thanks to those trying to bring her down ([47:40]).

7. Observational Tangents & Humor

• Riffs about tech annoyances (power bricks, cords), TikTok culture, wellness trends, cult fascination, crowd work in stand-up, and hypothetical future Netflix documentaries ([10:24], [12:28], [20:47], [23:24]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On New Year's Resolutions:

  • "I'm gonna start telling you what's coming up, because I think you guys are starting to think, like, oh, she gets a bee in her mind about one thing and only talks about that the whole time." — Whitney ([01:28])

• On blocking trolls:

  • "This is the year that if you are a dork or a dweeb or a kook or a nut or a drip or a piss ant or a butthead—going to block you." ([04:09])

• On negative comments:

  • "Trying hard is cool if it's your job, but this is your hobby. You know what I mean? ... That's now your online footprint forever. I don't wanna be a part of your online footprint, you weirdo." ([06:38])

• On self-care:

  • "You can do anything as long as you say it's self-care." ([05:44])

• On stopping attention-seeking behaviors:

  • "No more attention. Unless it's my work. Like, I get plenty of attention. We don't have to hole punch my face all the time." ([08:37])

• On social media curation:

  • "I'm not going to get off my phone. It's not going to happen. That ship has sailed." ([09:30])

• On crowd work in stand-up:

  • "Every one of my shows, I just treat it like Star Search. I'm like, you, where you from? Be charming and maybe I'll put you in the pictures." ([21:20])

• On bot accusations:

  • "If anything they are accusing me of, to be clear, was true—Inflating numbers artificially on YouTube—are fraud. It's called fraud. YouTube would have taken my channel by now." ([28:36])

• On internet trolls:

  • "You real live trolls, you're so much more robotic than any bot." ([41:50])

• On haters boosting her self-esteem:

  • "You guys being this obsessed with me honestly has boosted my self-esteem. ... If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know that not only is my podcast doing well because I'm too afraid to look at the numbers, but in order for yours to do well, you have to talk about me." ([49:25])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:31: Whitney introduces the theme, pokes fun at resolutions and touring.
• 04:09 – 08:37: Whitney on blocking haters and ending piercings.
• 09:30 – 10:24: Thoughts on social media, phone use, shopping, and pointless tech accessories.
• 11:10 – 13:36: Why people should care more about what the right people think online.
• 20:30 – 21:52: Standup crowd work and its weird economy.
• 28:36 – 34:36: Addressing accusations of bot use, how YouTube promotion operates, and community moderation.
• 41:50 – 47:40: Whitney on being trolled, the strange world of attention economies, and how hate-watching drives up numbers.
• 49:25: Reflections on how haters inadvertently fuel her confidence and visibility.

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Tone & Style

Whitney maintains her trademark conversational and self-aware comedic style throughout—rapid, tangent-filled, unapologetically honest, and often self-deprecating, even as she rejects the need for self-deprecation.

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TL;DR

Whitney Cummings’ 2026 resolutions are less about self-improvement and more about boundaries, self-acceptance, and not feeding negativity—whether that means blocking trolls, ditching impulse buys, or ignoring unfounded accusations about her success. The episode is a whirlwind of witty observations on internet culture, stand-up comedy, attention-seeking, haters, and what it really means to "not care what people think." It’s equal parts candid, cathartic, and clever—vintage Whitney.

Transcript

[A]

Hi. Hi. Happy day to you, and welcome to the program. Wisconsin. I'm gonna be there on March 6th. Rochester, Minnesota. March 7th. Sacramento, California. March 13th. Santa Rosa, California. March 14th. Whitney Cummings dot com. You guys, don't make me read all this. You don't. I, I. This is so, honestly, worse on me than is on you. Michigan. March 20th. Royal Oak. Omaha, Nebraska. Des Moines. Des Moines. Is Des Moines French. Philadelphia. I'll be there April 3rd. To re. Mate. Whatever. Make up the date that we had to reschedule. Miller Theater, Atlanta, Georgia. I'll be there April 10th. Jacksonville, Florida. April 11th, San Antonio, Texas. It does say on this teleprompter that I'm going to be In Miami, Florida, November 19 to November 23, going to Cozumel with Bert Kreischer for his Fully Loaded cruise, How the mighty have Fallen. I tried to do it last year, but I was too pregnant. So if I have to get pregnant this year just to not have to go on this cruise, the only reason I said yes is to do karaoke with his wife Leanne. But we can do that. Not in Cozumel. We can do that. Not in the sea, right? All right, here we go here. The hardest part is starting a podcast. Those first couple words that nobody hears where you have to decide if you're going to be a different person. You're like, okay, because are we going to roll on the thing? Hey, guys, it's me. I decided that from now on in the podcast, I'm going to say in the beginning of the podcast what we're going to be talking about. That's not to say people don't watch to the end, but I'm gonna start telling you what's coming up, because I think you guys are starting to think, like, oh, she gets a bee in her mind about one thing and only talks about that the whole time. OCD is not a game, you guys. But today we're gonna be talking about my New Year's resolutions, as promised. I will also address the recent accusations challenging my moral character and, frankly, my technological acumen, praising it, honestly, as well as some other stuff, which is, you know, I go on tangents. I can't help it. So do you have any New Year's resolutions, Pat, or do you even. No, no.

[B]

Another day.

[A]

That's such a guy thing. It's just another day. Like, I'm just. It's another day.

[B]

I mean, I could decide to act different any time of year.

[A]

That's true. And you choose not to. Well, my New Year's resolutions Did not care what anyone thinks. So why would I change on the day everyone thinks I should change? Yeah, it's like so antithetical.

[B]

Good reason to double down on all your bad behavior at the end of the year.

[A]

It's so funny. It's like when people are like, yeah, I have a drinking problem, I'm going to go to rehab in a couple months. You're like, no, I think today's the day. It's such a weird little thing we do. Is it based in capitalism to like sell calendars or gym memberships? Who invented the New Year's resolution thing? Big, big, big elliptical, big sit up, big, big squat. This is the year that I actually, I'm gonna, I have a couple little resolutions that I could have started a couple weeks ago. But you know, I'm basic. I want to do everything when everyone else doesn't at the same time. This is the year for me that if you. I don't know how else to say this. This is the year I'm gonna block you. My resolution this year is simple. Get comfy. That's where Bombas comes in. The all new Bombas sports socks are engineered with sports specific comfort for running, golfing, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, you name it. And for every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated with over 150 million donations and counting. Head over to bombas.comwh Whitney and use code Whitney for 20 off your first purchase. That's Bombas. B O M bas.com Whitney code Whitney at checkout. My resolution this year is simple. Get comfy. That's where Bombas comes in. The allnew Bombus sports socks are engineered with sports specific comfort for running, golfing, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, you name it. And for every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated with over 150 million donations and counting. Head over to bombas.comwh Whitney and use code Whitney for 20% off your first purchase. That's Bombas. B O M bas.com Whitney code Whitney at checkout. I've never blocked people, but this is the year I'm going to block you. This is the year that if you are a dork or a dweeb or a kook or a nut or a drip or a piss ant or a butthead going to block you. I used to not. I used to not because I, I felt like the message was like they got to me or you know, like I'm not Gonna give them the time of day, you know, or. Or that I was gonna go, like, tell people, like, I can't handle it. And they're gonna be like, whitney blocked me. She can't handle that truth, or whatever. I was like, I don't want to give them that. You know, I just. I'm at capacity on nerds. And it used to be that the nerds were the ones that were bullied, but now the nerds are the bullies. And it took me a second to realize that. So. So you're not a troll. You're not. You're a bully. And I can block a bully. Like, that's okay, right? Which, by the way, to block a bully because they just want attention and are lonely and sad is bullying a bully. But this might be the year that I bully bullies. Maybe that's okay. And file it under self care, because you can do anything as long as you say it's self care. I cheated, but it was self care. Like, I just needed to know, like, that I'm attractive now. I can really be faithful to you. It's also just like, I gotta be honest with you. I gotta block some people. Cause it's like, too cringe now that I'm a mom. Been almost. I mean, I'm over three years sober now. Like, I'm. I'm getting all my feelings back. Like, ooh. I can't take the cringe of people being dorks in my comments. Like, I'm too embarrassed for you. And schadenfreude is not my thing. Also, count on Germany to have a word for getting joy from other people's embarrassment. Schadenfreude. Like, that's. It's like when someone comments that I'm cringe or you're trying too hard or whatever it is. I'm like, ugh. Like, I in 2026, cannot spend bandwidth on the cognitive dissonance that I would have to provide or conjure up in order to not see the shocking irony and the like required for you to type that I'm trying too hard when this is my job. I'm doing my job. And trying hard is cool if it's your job, but this is your hobby. You know what I mean? Like, also, that's now your online footprint forever. I don't wanna be a part of your online footprint, you weirdo. I don't want my name to be in the mouth of your insurance company, okay? When they go through your online history and they're like, do we cover this therapy for them? Do we cover it? I mean, they were commenting on Whitney Cummings Instagram that she's a try hard. So aren't comedians first? They'll be like, who's that? And they'll be like, oh, a female. Aren't they supposed to try hard? I think we just put them in an asylum. I think we'll cover the ambulance ride from the 5150 location to Orchid Fields Insane Asylum. I don't want to be in the mouth of the divorce lawyer when you lose custody of your kids because your entire online history is public. And the family court judges like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you. I'm sorry, did you comment on Whitney Cummings's Twitter that she's busted? I don't think you can ever see your kids again, homie. And they'd say, homie. They would just be like, sorry, I just. So I'm blocking. I'm blocking you. Like, I used to kind of come back and be like, cool comment. Or like, you rule. That's my favorite one. Just like, you rule. But not anymore. I'm blocking you. I'm also. I think I'm done. I gotta draw. I'm done with piercings for a while. I think we all get it. I'm a pirate. Like, we get it, we get it. Okay? They just. They take too long to heal. It's been six months. Every night, I'm like, every night spraying saltwater like Neosporin. Like, I. I spend more time caring for my ear than my toddler. Okay? Like, I shouldn't be, like, sneaking into my son's room and, like, stealing his ointments. Like, I got. I gotta Things that get me attention. I'm just gonna own it. No more attention. Unless it's my work. Like, I get plenty of attention. We don't have to hole punch my face all the time. I'm getting older. That's fine. No amount of diamonds in my ear is gonna fake diamond is gonna change that. Like, let's just call. Okay. See, also, like, why? Why people like, oh, my God, look at the thing. And I'm like, don't look at my ear. Like, I don't even. Ears are ugly. It's fine. All right. I do love my migraine piercings. That's when it got out of hand because the migraine day piercings actually helped me stop getting migraines. I went to visit some family in England and I could not sleep on the plane. I could have had I not just gotten 12 new piercings. For what? For to. For why? Just to Hypnotize my lover. I'm also going to make a resolution that is the opposite of everyone else's resolution. Everyone's resolution is, I'm going to get off my phone. I'm going to break my addiction with my phone. I'm going to get off social media. Nope. No. Just follow cooler people. I'm not going to get off my phone. It's not going to happen. That should have sailed. Okay, that would have. That would be like an amputation at this point. Let's stop pretending we're going to get on our phone. Just stop. Stop following morons in liars, thieves, and worms. Stop following Dre and trash. Right? Honestly, I should be on my phone more. I should scroll more. Just have it be smarter people. You know what I mean? A lot of the scrolling is, by the way. It's also a lot of shopping. I wouldn't say stop scrolling. I would say stop shopping. So much like, you don't need the LED underwear that helps you do keels while you're in the car. Did I order it? Yes, I did. Does it work? Unclear. Do I have another thing that. What is the thing now where they send you a charger? The cord, but no brick? They're like, everyone's got bricks. Every. Their thing is everyone's got, like, a basket of bricks. Not. No, no. Some of us throw them away when we're done. Some of us, like, go on a tear, and it was like, get all these bricks away from me. Like, I used to have the thing. It was like, I'm gonna use this. I had a cord box. It's like, I'm gonna use these eventually one day I'm gonna need this cord. Someone's gonna need to charge a BlackBerry in a flood, and I'm gonna have the cord. I can charge an Apple pencil, no problem. Okay. But they just send the cord now and no brick. Then you, like, plug it in. You're like, okay, it doesn't work. I don't know if it's the cord, the brick, or the outlet. Now I gotta do this. Like, try. Is it the outlet? It's the cord. Don't get me started on the extension cord. So I got this thing that's like a projector for my son. It reads stories to him. So it's. It's. I'm trying to just buy things that can parent for me. And it was the cord, then the brick, then the extension cord, and then the outlet. And it didn't work. And I was like, seem to take, like, a couple hours to Isolate the thing when. What's the dud here? This guy. Another big New Year's resolution a lot of people have is don't care what people think. I'm not going to care what people think about me in 2026. You've been online, have you? Are people giving off the vibe that they care what people think? Like somebody who will just take a selfie in their car and just post that as their main content. It's like, I'm going to stop caring what people think. I'm like, I don't think you care. I think you're fine with boring everybody. I think you. I don't see anyone on TikTok who seems to care at all what people think. In fact, I think they are trying to piss us off. I'm like, everyone. I see that in their 2026 resolutions, don't care what anyone thinks. I'm like, I follow you because I'm like, this person does not care. I think we all need to care, like way more about what other people think. Just the right people. Like, if someone's whole Instagram page is like duck face selfies, like, don't care what they think. If someone's Twitter photo is a different country flag every month based on what's happening there, right? And has never once put an American flag. I don't care what you think. You stand for nothing. Anyone who changes their profile photo too much in general sketchy. I truly change mine. What, every eight years? Like, just so I don't catfish people by accident. Like, I don't. The idea of changing it is like, but you guys are going to know I changed it. Like, I'm like, you guys forget what I look like. Like, new pick. Does anyone care? Is anyone like, Whitney's in a red top. New material. New. Ah, I. I wasn't going to buy tickets to see her, but now. Did you see this new?

[B]

This isn't that jean jacket Whitney that we're all so used to. This is a new red blazer Whitney.

[A]

Top with a tie. Oh, I'm add to cart. Like, no one thinks that. Everyone's just like, oh, some social media person changed her photo. People keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions. Sure, I've got the usual goals. Read more. Hit the gym, maybe learn how to crochet. This year there's a new one at the top of my list. It's to get comfy. That's where Bo Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all my everyday go to's. First up, the all new Bombas sports socks this year I really want to stick to my walks and workouts and these socks are perfect. They're cushioned where I need it most, sweat wicking and loaded with tech features that keep my feet comfy and locked in instead of sliding around and plotting my downfall. And the new squishy Saturday suede slip on for comfort on the go errands, airport runs, bookstore trips and what I really love is the mission. For every item you purchase, the essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchase one donated. With over 150 million donations and counting, head over to bombas.com Whitney use code Whitney for 20 off your first purchase. That's Bombas B O M B A S.com Whitney code Whitney at checkout this is pro linebacker TJ Watt and I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie for another activewear drop. My second co design collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with all my in season workouts. And their new Restore collection is a game changer off the field too, because even pro athletes like me need rest days. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything. Like cause they just got hired new social media company in town. You realize that when we do these new photos, like when any social media person does it, like they hired a photographer, hair and makeup and it ends up being this big. We spent days on this photo. Like I just, I'm fascinated by the things that we think are going to be like a mic drop and it just like doesn't land at all. No one's like, sick new pic. Everyone's like, oh, I thought that was Katherine Hahn. I do honestly think another thing for me, I have to really call myself out on my New Year's resolutions. I need to stop watching people on TikTok criticize wellness people and count that as an hour of going to actual therapy. Allow me to explain. When people like debunk popular wellness stuff, my brain goes, great. You're not being fooled. You're good. Because I didn't do the thing that didn't work. Or it's not. You know, I mean like when I see so like a takedown video of Mel Robbins, I'm like, I am clear as a bell. I have broken the ancestral cycle. They have notes for the Diary of a CEO podcast not acknowledging the invisible work of women. Therapy canceled. No wool over my eyes this year. I another, another thing for me is I want to. And I'm gonna say, I'm gonna not fall for con artists as much this year as I did last year. Okay. You know, I'm a. And I'm an art buff. Con art first and foremost. No, this year, no dabbling in cults. But it is. I know it's. I think it's funny. I'm like a peeping Tom with cults. I just want to watch. Like, I am obsessed with people. Like, I just want to admire people's commit. My kink is people who believe in something with a straight face that is like, I can't get enough. Like, I'm on the edge of my seat. It is so punk rock to me to be like, yeah. And that's why L. Ron Hubbard is my savior. I'm like, I'm waiting for, like, a. Like, no eye roll, babe. I can barely make eye contact with someone and say, I'm a comedian. I'm just like. Or like, an actor. I'm like, yeah, I'm an actor. I mean, you know what I mean? I'm not gonna be like a dork about it. I don't have, like, a craft. It's not like a craft. I just, you know, other people hire me. I don't. I don't identify as one. I just, you know, like, who knows? I'll be like, who knows? I'm a comedian. For now. It's. You know what it is? I'm going to take myself seriously this year. Why not? Why not? But I do. I got to say, I do like being naive. I like being intentionally naive because it's just so much more fun. You know what I mean? It's, like, funny to give someone the benefit of the doubt or, like, a 20th chance to do the right thing. It's funny to be like, is this the week there won't be any underage scandals from world leaders? Maybe this is the week. Like, it's funny. And then you're like, ah, nuts. Nah. All right. These guys have that billionaire mindset. They take no days off, no cheat days on, cheating on their wives. They cheat every day. No days off. I. I think part of me being oddly naive is that my biggest fear in life is being predictable and boring. So I assume that's other people's as well. So, like, if I was a politician, I would just be like, I'd schedule a press announcement and be like, hey, guys, I would just like to announce I am going to marry a woman who is 80. Just, like, stand out. Like, I don't. I don't Go to islands. I vacation in Biloxi. Being intentionally naive. It is. It is obnoxious, though. It's like. It's, like, feigned incompetence. But ultimately, it's a gambling addiction first and foremost. Like, it's funny because I went to this therapist I work with, and I'm sort of, you know, during the pandemic, I was like, you know, doing a couple things I can't say on here. We'll get kicked out of the old suggestion box algo thing. But I was like, am I this addict? Am I addicted to this? Am I an alcoholic? And she's like, babe, you're a gambling addict. And I'm like, but I don't gamble. When I go to Vegas, I'm in and out. I'm like, I don't gamble. I don't have the attention span. She's like, no, but this is what you're doing in life. You're going like, okay, all right. Maybe the 20th time, this person's gonna, you know, do the right thing. Cause you're just waiting for the cherry instead of going, hold on. This person lied 20 times. I should, like, go home. I should leave. I should. Yeah, I go, like, you're gonna tell the truth soon. Because it's like, the cherry has to come down the slot machine at some point. It's in the machine. This is the year that I'm gonna stop being naive on purpose. I'm not gonna buy kegel pills or wrinkle cream powder you snort just because. Not even as a joke. Okay. Not even as my placebo effect is an effect. No. Gaslighting myself in 2026 is. I think I'll do that. I'll gaslight myself a little bit. I'll be like, no, it's good to just read the Scientology text to see what's funny about it. Like, being a comedian is especially tricky because you can just talk yourself into anything under the guise of, like, research. Like, no. What do you mean? Yes, I'm engaged. But, like, I'm on, you know, bumble. To just see what's going on. You gotta get boots on the ground. I'm an anthropologist. I also had one that was that I should defend myself more, because I really don't defend myself. But I get, like, lost in that. Because for who? For who? If you attack people online, you're the loser, right? I wouldn't be defending myself if someone attacked me online. I would be punching down, right? Someone who is sadistic and wants to tell me I'm not funny. Like, during their workday, who doesn't know the definition of their and their T H E I r and T H y posture? What do I do? I mean, ignoring it is also mean that's always where I've been. I'm always like, I can't ignore this comment because this person is doing it because they need to be seen and heard and they're like, lonely. And they know that I have a penchant for crowd work. When I get on stage, I go, you know who the real talent is in this theater? You guys. Every one of my shows, I just treat it like Star Search. I'm like, you, where you from? Be charming and maybe I'll put you in the pictures. And by pictures, I mean a crowd work clip that may or may not even get in the algorithm.

[B]

Has anybody transitioned from shut up audience member to stand up comic?

[A]

I think Dom should. My guy that talked about 9 11, remember on that, that crowd work clip that I did where he explained, like, when he was in the military, the 911 thing, it got like 30 million views on YouTube. I'm like, dude, ride this wave. It's also funny when you think about, like the crowd work clip thing. It's so big. Like, you know there's like a Harvey Weinstein of crowd work clips out there. Like in 10 years, we will have to watch a tell all documentary about some sociopath who abused his crowd work power to lure girls in the front row to be like, I'll tag in the main feed some like a guy saying that right now. And it's not Matt Rife, by the way. Don't you dare. I will. I love Matt. I love Matt Rife. I'll say it. Okay, but there's some creeping, like, I'll repost you to stories. I'll tag you. Will I underline it so it's clickable. You tell me. Are you just gonna stay a pharmaceutical sales rep who frankly makes way more money than I do, or are you gonna. I love looking at things and being like, which of these is gonna be a Netflix documentary in 10 years? Shein, for sure, right? Lululemon? I don't know. Maybe. I think we kind of all just watch that in real time. And now the pants are just like the syringe that puts chemicals in your uterus now. Like, allegedly. What else are we gonna see? Documentary charcoal toothpaste. You know, that's gonna be like a. Remember when we all were just like deep throating charcoal toothpaste? Like documentaries on Netflix And Brian Johnson, for sure. The Brian Johnson Live Forever guy. All right. But they don't need to make a new documentary. They can just re air the documentary he made about himself, thinking it made him look good, and rename it the Takedown documentary. It's. You can just. Have you seen the Chevy Chase documentary?

[B]

I've seen a few clips.

[A]

Everyone says they've seen clips and can't actually watch it.

[B]

If it's like that for two hours, I can't watch.

[A]

I can. I once saw him at the Sundance Film Festival. A woman was, like, micing him up again. You have these moments in your life where, like, everything changes. Like, like, and it's happening to you, and you're like. So your whole brain gets reorganized. And he was getting, like, Mike. Some, like, a girl was putting a mic pack on him, and it was like. And getting a mic pack put on you, in his defense is so annoying. It's like, you gotta go off the shirt. And the person's like, is this okay? Like, it's very intimate and weird, and they're like, you know, putting tape on you that, you know. But you just. This per. It's this person's job, and they don't want to have to do it. And it's like, you know. And he called her, like, the worst insult you can call a woman. You know, he didn't want to be funny, or, like, he didn't. Wasn't too mean by accident because he's so used to people saying yes. Like, he wanted her to think about this moment for the rest of her.

[B]

Life and not misunderstand it.

[A]

Correct. And I was like, oh, that's sadistic. I didn't understand that people weren't accidentally sadistic. I was like, oh, they didn't mean it. Or like, oh, they were trying to be funny. Or, oh, like, they were nervous and it came out wrong. I was like, oh, he. It didn't come out wrong. It wasn't a mistake. He could have said, you don't know what you're doing. He could have said. And that might have been true, but he chose that word to, by the way, then make her worse at her job because she's now, like, frazzled and can't do it. It's sadistic is the only way I know how to describe it. Cause I'm like, if someone's not able to do something, well, and then you call them that name, they're just gonna get more flustered and get. And then I was like, oh, it's not about getting it done. And the power dynamic is so, like, if he did it to me because I was, like, there being a comic. Like, the power dynamic would still be insane, but I'd be like. Like, you know, I. I would know what to do. But, like, she is, like, has tape in her hand, is, like, on her knees, like, trying to tape him up with a mic. Like, then how do you mic someone who just said that? Like, it seemed to say it. Like, I'm like, it's just wild. It's just. But it's also, hey, idiot, I can keep it rolling when you think you're off air. She probably ultimately did have the most power, you know, But I don't know. Fascinating. I haven't seen it, but I want to see it. Anyway, back to me, because I'm Wendy Cummings and you're not. We were talking about what is going to have a documentary made on it. I think if you need to make a decision about something, just imagine, will there be a documentary on this in 10 years about how stupid we were for participating in this con, in this popularity frenzy, this tulip mania? Cold plunges, for sure. For sure. All right. There's definitely gonna be a documentary about it. We all just threw each other. We threw ourselves just into ice buckets. Like, we did the ice bucket challenge for ALS back then. Like, that was like, I stand behind that. Like, you know, but, you know, there's a podcast called behind the Bastards that kind of does get ahead of stuff like this. The stuff where I'm like, I don't know, man. Like, they do podcasts on, like, the. I don't know, man stuff. One on Wim hof, the guy that would breathe, like, like on a ice mountain, right? And it's like, yeah, yeah. When a guy sits buck naked on an ice to breathe deeply, I'm like, yeah, I'm sure his ex wife took a couple weird tumbles. Like, of course I. I assumed that. All right, you learn a lot about ice when you're trying to preserve a corpse in your garage. Like, why would this guy be so familiar with. I allegedly, I didn't even finish it. It was too boring. The only thing more boring than hearing someone lecture you about breathing is a documentary about that guy's first marriage. So I didn't finish it. But the point is, I do. I owe an apology to some people, and it's actually pretty serious. I feel bad. There's no easy way to say this. I do need to openly apologize to a couple people who have accused me of hiring bots to watch my podcast or hack the numbers of the podcast I am not even erudite enough about bots to know what exactly I'm being accused of, but I'm gonna apologize anyway. Also, look, if anything they are accusing me of, to be clear, was true. Inflating numbers artificially on YouTube are fraud. It's called fraud. YouTube would have taken my channel by now, but it's. We're gonna keep logic out of this, okay? You're not insulting me. You're kind of insulting YouTube. You're just calling YouTube criminals. But it's weird. When someone insults you, they accidentally reveal how powerful they think you are. Like, if I was using bots to have fake numbers on my podcast or whatever, what they're saying is, you're committing a crime on YouTube. And it's like, well, YouTube would call you. No, she can. She. She has YouTube in the palm of her hand. YouTube doesn't. YouTube. When she says, I'm committing a crime, bulb. If you don't keep my crimes up, I'm gonna. You'll see. And they're like, okay, like, if I commit fraud, and then I have so much power that I convince YouTube to not take my channel down, like, the company's like, okay, fine, we'll just fold. Rather than have Whitney be mad at us, like, why don't we do that?

[B]

If you're ready to tank your channel, we could get into that.

[A]

Can you get away with doing that?

[B]

Well, no, because YouTube is tracking the traffic on your channel like a hawk. And the methods that you're using to advertise your channel are methods that were presented to us, and we were guided through the process.

[A]

Oh, nice. We can tell you what we do. YouTube, which is. I work my hiney off to try to make these episodes since January, like, not squeaky clean. I say a lot of wild stuff, but there's certain things you just can't say and then be suggested. Like, we're doing, like, manual review from YouTube. They can watch the episode and go, hey, like, if you leave this thing in about, you know, naming the people that you believe abused Shirley Temple with their home addresses, you know, we can't suggest this to other people in YouTube. Do you want to cut it? And I'll go, fine, yes. And then we can use Google Ads and pay them, which everybody pays to advertise everywhere. I mean, it's. It's like having a billboard for a sitcom. It's like someone 10 years ago seeing someone having a billboard for a sitcom be like, they're used. They're using billboards to promote their show. Like.

[B]

Like, Feed the thumbnail of the show to as many screens as possible.

[A]

That's right. And if they click on it, great. If they don't click on it, fine. If they don't watch the whole episode, fine. I am your host, Stassi Schroeder. Welcome to Tell Me Lies, the official podcast. What's the most unhinged thing of season three? Steven because he's so evil, I do think he is misunderstood. You see everyone face consequences. It's intoxicating. The writers just know how to trick ya. There's always a twist in this show, so nothing you would expect. Tell Me Lies the official podcast January 6th. And stream the new season of Tell Me Lies January 13th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. People keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions. Sure, I've got the usual goals. Read more Hit the gym. Maybe learn how to crochet. This year there's a new one at the top of my list. It's to get comfy. That's where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all my everyday go tos. First up, the all new Bombas spring sports socks. This year I really want to stick to my walks and workouts. And these socks are perfect. They're cushioned where I need it most. Sweat wicking and loaded with tech features that keep my feet comfy and locked in instead of sliding around and plotting my downfall. And the new squishy Saturday suede slip on for comfort on the go errands, airport runs, bookstore trips. And what I really love is the mission. For every item you purchase, the essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchase, one donated. With over 150 million donations and counting, head over to bombas.com Whitney Use code Whitney for 20 off your first purchase. That's Bombas. B O M B A S.com Whitney Code Whitney at checkout. But you know, I just, I do want to hear about this because I'm kind of obsessed with, you know, like how this is done because I, I don't even think the people that are accusing of it maybe know what's happening. It's like I just kind of want to know because you know how like women watch shows about like how other women murdered their husbands. Like, I just want to know how they did it. I'm not going to do it.

[B]

They're not just pushing the exposure of the thumbnail to a bunch of people. The bot situation is literally a warehouse full of iPhones that are coded to comment on your show.

[A]

But we don't have that many comments. That's the other thing is that people go like, oh, you're using bots to do comments. I'm like, well, here's the thing. We do auto block comments. I auto block comments. So if your comment got blocked, sorry, you're gonna have to flirt with me another way. I'll admit anything I do. Like, I don't. I will admit truly anything that I do. And we auto block comments because it's like, you know, you got. Normal people don't want to read this, like, wild hate in someone's YouTube. I mean, you guys do the. The, like trolls probably do. They get. Often I have to auto block words. Okay, I'm sure you can guess which the words are, but I can't say any of them on YouTube or my video won't get suggested in the algorithm. Right? So this is just something that we're doing. Last January, YouTube tells us, hey, here's the stuff that's going to stop you from being able to be a suggested video or to be promoted, right? It's medical stuff. Like, you notice this year, you know, I. I'll say, like, I can't say that. Pat, can I say that? You know, I'll come up with a stupid word instead of the actual word to try to get around it. This is what we did in network television forever. They'd be like, you can't say Powerade or you got to say Gatorade because we have a deal with Gatorade. I'm like, no problem. Like, I. Sure, why not? The point. The point isn't is to stay as small as possible, but say the thing I'm saying, Powerade. No one tells me what to do, even though you're my boss. Like, so I kind of just treat YouTube like my boss or like the network, because that's what it is. So now we get suggested to more people, you know, and, you know, maybe it's doing better also, because the very thing that I'm doing to try to get suggested more might actually just make the show better. I'm not, like, going on rants about things about which I know very little. You know, we work hard on it. You know, we have to turn the episode in early and then sometimes cut stuff. And there's certain things I don't get to say. Fine. It's like, you know, I had to stop having guests. That's the other thing is, like, this coincided also when I stopped having guests because, you know, I don't want to cut out stuff that a Guest is.

[B]

Saying, you can't say anything that's sex, drugs, violence, medical politics.

[A]

I don't want to cut my friend. I don't want to cut Bobby Lee talking about his childhood trauma, which involves someone with down syndrome. Like, I can't. You know, that's going to come up. Honestly, if me talking about how we have to not say certain things and that's why our numbers are better and not bots. And when I'm making the example, that's what gets kicked us out. I swear to God, this is what they wanted. This is what they wanted. They wanted me to do an episode where, like, it's because I don't say these words. Four views. But I'm sorry. Like, honestly, like, at first, I was kind of. My ego was a little bit like, you know, But I. I do. I think I owe an apology. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to talk about me, because when you talk about yourself, nobody listens. Like, I can't have nothing but compassion for the person who. This is, like, their thing. These men aren't young. These are grown men. Like, adult men. Like, we might be going to war, you guys, and let's all just pray that these people will not be drafted. Pray that they just keep click clacking and clacking and clacking about me Googling my numbers and counting my comments because we can't have these people on the front lines. They'll be like, hey, wait, some of these soldiers look like robots.

[B]

That drone strike was totally boded.

[A]

Yeah. They'll be like, hey, hey, hey. Those soldiers look like robots. Their shoulders are way too big. No man has a shoulder that big. Yeah, they do. If they're not online all day. Clickety clickin. If someone with a podcast sees my comments and is like, there's not 50,000 comments and people comment, it's like, well, maybe you get a lot of comments because the people who listen to your podcast want to fight in the comment section all day. Maybe the people that listen to my podcast have a purpose in life. Maybe they, like, are sober. Maybe the people who listen to my podcast do other things or, like, have families or. Or maybe they send me dms instead of a public insult. I respect a dm. I've had plenty of people go, hey, you know the new. This new podcast, like, I don't know about this. That wasn't right. And I'm like, dude, thank you. Thank you. I respect that. I have had so many DMs from people that were actually super constructive they'd be like. Some woman was like, hey, you said this about, you know, formula feeding and actually this, this. And I was like, I was joking. But, like, thank you. I should correct that. I appreciate it. Putting it out public. It's. You don't want to fix it. You don't want to correct me. You don't think I suck. You're just trying to make friends in my comment section, which is f. Like, you're just trying to track whack people to text offensive memes with all day because cool people won't bite. Cool people are off the table for you because of the personality you've chosen. But in the comment section, if you're nasty, someone will. Someone will respond. Someone will take it to dm, reach out to you, and be like, oh, man, that was so brave. That was so brave how you stuck it to that mom.

[B]

There's more fun things to come comfort you about.

[A]

Honestly, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. I have an entire book that I wrote about me doing the most humiliating, embarrassing things. I mean, but they've. You know what? They've already probably come for me for those. I just didn't see it. And they're like, we have to try something else to get our attention. We have to try something else.

[B]

Are you accusing the people that are in your comments about the views of having bought a book?

[A]

No, they. No. Well, the bots wrote my book is what I'm saying. I did hire bots to write my book, but these are people that, like, make podcast episodes about this, okay? And look, I think that most people online that are in these kind of, like, melees, like, they. They don't think that they can make a friend, so they settle for a fight. Like, it's my thing. And I've said this before of, like, I don't think I deserve love, so I settle for being used. Like, you know, I think these fights make people feel alive. You get adrenaline, you get dopamine. You know, I get it, dude. I. I follow snakes. I see a snake, I'm like, where are you going? The rattlesnake? I'm like, where are you going? Like, I just. I just want to see if you guys really did evolve to stop rattling. I need to find out with my neck. You know, what it is? It's. It's. It's boomer in the attention economy. And look, I. I don't understand the YouTube space and the podcasting space. I know that controversy is currency, but being an old, miserable guy who's mad at Me for making it in comedy. It's not controversial. That's actually the default. Spending all day making YouTube videos about me and bots or whatever. It just, like, it kind of makes you look, like, old. It's like an old take. It's like a boomer take. To be like, female comic isn't funny. It's like, when my sitcom came out, everyone was like, the Nielsen machines must be broken. Like, you tried to make that fake, too. Oh, she slept her way to the top. Like, okay. Like, there was always some reason. So everything y' all did, it's been done, right? And it's all about originality now. Like Pat said, there's other things to come from. It's like, there's nothing more embarrassing than your trolls being unoriginal. And you know what? There's plenty of female comics. And, you know, I think I was thinking the other day, I was like, why me? And we know. Why me? We know. Sorry, I'm trying to not look like a complete maniac. Do I look like I'm in, like, the Hocus Pocus reboot as, like, the funeral home director? You know why? You know why you're trolling me about this? Because you know it will hurt my feelings. You know I'm nice. And you, you do have a heart. And, you know I do care about what you think. And it's like Chevy Chase with that thing. He knew it was going to hurt her. That's why he did it. That's why he did it. There's no point in trying to hurt someone that can't be hurt, right? You know it hurts my feelings, otherwise you wouldn't do it. If you're sadistic, right? It has to hurt the other person. Okay, you know that I care. And that's probably why you're balding, because you have some guilt in there somewhere, too. People doing podcasts about how I would use robots to make my podcast metrics. I'm gonna look you in the face right now, and yes, I'm sitting on a booster seat. Thank you. Thank you for doing this. You guys being this obsessed with me honestly has boosted my self esteem. I swear to. I didn't realize I was so relevant. Like, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know that not only is my podcast doing well because I'm too afraid to look at the numbers, but in order for yours to do well, you have to talk about me. Like, I. And also, you're in a jam with your argument because you're saying my podcast doesn't do as well as it says it does. Yet you use my name for yours to do well. So if my name on your title makes you get numbers, wouldn't the actual me like, do pretty well? Even if it's people hating me? Which is it? The only way to get out of that jam is what? The only way to get out of that jam is for you to be like, no, your name didn't make our podcast do well because we use bots. Either way, I'm a numbers machine is the point here. And you real live trolls, you're so much more robotic than any bot. For like an older dude podcaster to troll me is like, you're dos, dude. Like it might like, I am sorry that trashing me is the only way anyone will listen to you talk, by the way. I relate to that. Also. I used to self deprecate and think it was the only way that people would like me. So I get why you think trashing me works. I used to do it, but I don't self deprecate anymore. I don't need to because you guys do it for me. You volunteered to do my self deprecating for me and I don't pay you, but I guess you get paid by doing it. So I don't want to come for your job. Like, AI is already coming for you. I don't want to come for your job. I don't see the point of self deprecating anymore because you spending all this time on me made me realize like how powerful I am. Why would I self deprecate if hating me is like its own economy? If these former comics are exploiting my family members to try and justify some narrative that I'm a monster who uses bots, if it's come to that, I must be so powerful and inescapable that people have to try and take me down. You can't be taken down if you're down. So I'm like, I'm up. What? It's what? Like it also dorks. They're. If you're going through old episodes and cutting them up to make me look bad, it you're just making my numbers go up cause you're watching it. A hate watch is a watch babe. Like, everybody go watch her podcast and see why it doesn't deserve the views it deserves. Why are you helping it? The only thing you need, we've talked about this. To get attention on the Internet is one basic thing. A good personality. That's all you have to do to make money online is to be like Pleasant, personable, and you can't do that. I don't know what to tell. I worked harder than you because of people like you that fuel me. The only way to make me fail is to support me. I love ranting about stuff, and I love people that come up to me and go, that was so. I love bringing joy to someone I've never met. I was wired to do it. When you're raised by alcoholics, you're just like, keep everyone happy. I All I know how to do, okay? But if someone's not happy with me or wants to accuse me of something, like, it's just. It's kind of like a new. What's the word? Level of success that I'm adjusting to. Okay. But also, here's the weird thing. I, I. And this is the reason I'm talking about the people that make videos about me as, like, their entire YouTube presence. I like you. That's the craziest part. What's so weird about it is that I love a weird niche. Bee in a bonnet. Like, when someone's like, did you know Stephen Baldwin is a bad tipper? I'm like, tell edge of my seat. I love a weird cause. Like, my version of this is. I'm like Shirley Temple's agent. I'm a dog with a bone. And everyone's like, what? Who cares? Like, I'm like this with esoteric animal abusers and zoos and stuff. So I have bad news for the people who obsessively make videos about me and my fiance. We aren't so different, you and me. You hate me. Cause you're me. I am like looking in a mirror, frankly. We also both have the same receding hairlines these days, and you know it. So. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting. Like, New Year's resolution being, don't care what anyone thinks. All this. It's like, no, I'm gonna care about what the right people think. And when the wrong people hate you, that's also a win. You should care what they think. You should go dorks and people who are addicted to negativity and trolls hate me. Care about that, because that means you're doing the right thing. And then cool people, if they like you, keep doing what makes them, like, you don't care what anyone thinks. That person hates you. Don't care about it. No, they hate you. Like, you're doing well. It's a thumbs up. So thank you guys for making me realize I'm nailing it. I'm trying to not be like, I'm not even trying to be, like, sarcastic or rude. I just. I think that you spend your whole career or life, maybe it's not just comics or actors or writers or performers, like, trying to make everyone like you. And then you go, like, wait, if you like me, I'm probably doing something wrong. So things get interesting when you're like, oh, good, those people hate me. That's a good thing. Because if those people like me, like, I gotta regroup. And here we are. Love you like I do love you. Like, whenever someone hates me, I feel deeply connected to them because I'm like, I used to hate me too. But now that you're the one that hates me, it makes me think I must be cool. Welcome to the Matrix. Okay, do whatever. Trash me as much as you want. Attack me as much as you want. Just don't ride elephants or I'll get you, get you, get you, get you. Sam.