← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322
00:44:21
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Hey everyone. Winnie Cummings here. I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, January 9th to the 11th at the Comedy Mothership. I'm going to be in Oakland, Wisconsin, March 6, 2026. People will keep being like, you're coming to Eau Claire. This place is. It's like a hidden gem. Yeah, it's kind of. Yeah. Rochester, Min. Wait, Minnesota, right? What? Where's Minneapolis? It's in Minnesota. You guys, I really. We got a Getting paid to talk for a living. I'm starting to feel like I need to give the money back. March 7th. I'll be in Minnesota. Sacramento, California. May 13th. Nope. March 13th. Santa Rosa, March 14th. Wait. Both the same night, you guys. Whitneycovings.com you'll find all these details that I truly just like. Literacy is not where I shine. Should I invoice the University of Pennsylvania for a refund? St. Louis. I'll be there. March 19th. Royal Oak. March 20th. Omaha, Nebraska. March 27th. Des Moines. 28th. And I'm coming to Philly rescheduling the show that I had to cancel. Sorry about that. April 3rd. I'll be there. We're going to figure out how the Eagles are going to pull it together for next year. Atlanta, April 10th. Jacksonville, April 11th. San Antonio, Texas. You know how this goes, you guys. I just keep going from city to city. Oklahoma City. May 8. Fayetteville, Arkansas. May 9. That is a reschedule. Walton Arts Center. Walmart. People come through Miami, Florida. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be going to Cozumel. Oh, don't. Okay. No, I'm not I didn't get fun all of a sudden. This is. I was conned into this by Bert Kreischer going on his cruise. We're going on a boat together. Let's do it. Whitney Cummings here. You're. What do you call it? Resident anthropologist. I'm here to report back from a trip I just took to San Francisco, California. Now, I know, I know. Why are you talking about San Francisco? This is actually what I'm about to say is the most important thing you'll ever hear. I went up to entertain rich people in San Francisco, which, by the way, I like doing. I like doing it. I like going. It's good to see what the most powerful people in the world are up to. I like to see, you know, what color T shirt they're wearing to work. The gray Patagonia vests in San Francisco, they don't do ties. Like, they never wear ties. I don't know. Probably too tempting, but I go up there to do, like, some Christmas party holiday. I'm kind of their dominatrix. I come, like, roast them to their face, and they just see me as, like, some dumb waitress that is like, you know, I really like to go in, like a scientist, you know, like an anthropologist. I go into these corporate environments and I study rich people. What are they eating? What shoes do they wear? Is their hair real or is it glued on with someone else's organ serum? I don't know. And honestly, I enjoy it. I like going to these things. I like studying the people who have the biggest impact on the future of humanity. You'd think, though, that by now the people who invented AI would have replaced their employees with AI. Like, you go up and I'm doing these parties for, like, their employees, and I'm like, am I just, like, talking to a server? Like, how does it. I open the closet with all the blinking lights and do comedy. You'd think that by now all these rich, powerful tech people would have replaced their employees with AI, but no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. First of all, they're not going to you. None of them are going to use any of the technology they make. This is the other. This is the main takeaway is you go up there and you're like, none of you use any of the technology that you actually make. It's like, remember the guy who built Facebook was like, I don't go on there. Are you insane? The guy who invented the labradoodle was like, never get a labradoodle. Are you crazy? They're inbred. Monsters. So I did ascertain that. But also, these people don't want to replace their human employees with AI because that would. That would take all the fun out of being a sociopath. Okay? It's not fun to control a robot or program an employee. You can't see the fear in their eyes. That's how you know there will always be human employees. We don't have to worry as much as I think we are right now, because. Because psychopaths want to hurt you. They're sadistic, and you can't really be sadistic with a robot. The type of people who run companies, they enjoy lording over people. That was the whole point of becoming rich in the first place. You can't make an AI Leave her husband even though you have no intention of being with her. You can't ruin a marriage for the love of the game. They won't replace themselves either, because they are such narcissists that they don't think that even the best AI could replace them. The best AI on Earth, Right. They're like, yeah, but. But, yeah, but it doesn't think like me, you know, because AI is an amalgam of poor people, all right? It's a mix of all the plebes. It has no idea how to think like. Like me, okay? It doesn't know how to stay hard. These are the people who think that they are such outliers that no AI could ever replace them, and they want to be able to abuse their power and be powerful over employees. So it's. It's actually kind of Luddite up there. No psychopath tech dork is gonna want to be replaced by AI they're like, that's an amalgam of all human thought, and I'm above human thought. I'm not human. I'm a tech person, bro. I think about way more elevated things, like which white V neck to wear today, how to convince myself that I must just not have Joe Rogan's right number. That's why he won't text me back. Yeah, Zuck gave me the wrong number to sabotage me. Look, I do these roasts around the holidays of companies. I do stand up at their parties, and most of them are in San Francisco, I would say. And I don't think we're all spending enough time thinking about San Francisco, all right? Don't you dare come at me and be like, whitney, stop being such an Illuminati elitist. We don't care about that place. You have to. It'll help you understand what will soon be in our heads. Okay, on our head. I don't know where the chip's going to be. They seem like they're going to be. When I used to go up to San Francisco and work out, you know, Cobbs Comedy Club. I used to go to Punchline. Love you guys. I would say a couple of days, I'd walk around. You could see like the coolest stuff there was, like vintage stores, bookstores. You know, it was fun. You could like, go get paper cuts trying to remember how books worked. So it's a very cool city, but. But that doesn't mean it should be where tech visionaries who decide our future should be allowed to live. This is a place that is home to the most powerful tech visionaries in the world. The character of a city has a huge impact on the thoughts and the ideas that people there are going to come up with. So when they go to work every day, when they go out at night, their real life experience is. Is going to inspire the problems that they solve or what they think the average person needs and is willing to buy or do or whatever. The point is, we need to shut San Francisco down. I mean, certainly for a couple months just to regroup, but like, permanently. Also for Hunter Biden, great place to live. Okay? You can sell fake art, you can launder money. You find plenty of people who will tolerate your lectures about us being in a simulation. But for the Ben Franklin's of our day, the people responsible for solving normal people's problems, and it should frankly be illegal to live in this city. It's hard to make sense of what is on the horizon for human de evolution if you don't understand the cartography of San Francisco. It's Whoville, it's the hills. It's just like up. It's a cartoon. It's not normal to walk outside of your home and immediately roll your ankle. You can't wear heels in the city. That's why it's chock full of lesbians. Straight women know to stay away from slopes. As a former lesbian, I can say this. Women want to wear cute heels. You can't live in San Francisco. It turns into like a Mr. Beast challenge as soon as you walk outside your door. Okay, Straight women, we don't do brusque wind and slopes. You know this. You get. You can't walk around pregnant with this many curveballs. This city is a literal obstacle course. It's not normal. You can't walk down one of these hills with a rollerback. I had luggage. You. You if you try to walk in San Francisco with a roller bag, you automatically get sent to be the next Neuralink experiment. Like, they just. They know. They just like, they send the gurney like you're lined up because they know if you take a tumble, you will be vegetable adjacent. And they're just like. That's how they get their new people. There's. Load them up. These people have chosen to live in a place where they face adversity and problems that no one else faces. Unless you're, like, climbing Machu Picchu. This is why these people are inventing stupid, stupid stuff every week. Silicon Valley's like, we invented luggage that's invisible. We're like, huh? This is why Silicon Valley isn't curing cancer. They spend all their time and energy making scooters and one wheel that moves with two feet like an electric. Skip it. We don't need another scooter. No one walks up hills like this to get to work. Most, by the way, most people don't get enough exercise. You know what invention hit the Sketcher? Shape Ups, where when you do get to walk, most people only get to walk, like, five steps a day at their office, right? You do get to. Oh, I finally get to flex that long atrophied muscle. Since most people never get to do anything during the day because companies just make them sit on, like, a hemorrhoid bench. Right? That's why that worked. Silicon Valley is like, ah. What about a standing desk? What do I feel like those didn't take? It's a little beta to be in an office. Can you picture Winston Churchill just, like, standing while writing? Like, you know what I mean? Like, oh, you care about your bat. Like, he used to work from a bathtub. That's how an Alpha gets his work done. Naked with someone standing at the door. The person that works for you stands at the door. It's. I know it's toxic, but the standing desk, it reads a little bit like, oh, okay. Are you on your wellness journey? Like, cool. Like, all right. Yo. Do you listen to podcasts? It's like a pocket protector. It's like a huge pocket protector at this point. It's like your back protector. All it does is tell me that you're injured. All it tells me is, like, you care about your posture. I'm like, all right, I didn't realize you. You weren't done pursuing your career in the ballet. Like, when I see someone with a standing desk, you're just like, okay. Like, it does make people not go into your office because I'm like, I'm gonna have to hear about an injury if I go in there, you know, And a guy's like, you have a back thing. I'm like, oh, really? I had a kid at 40. You have a back thing? What happened? You bit it playing pickleball. What are you tripping? Fall into the friend zone? Like, if you have a standing desk, you have to understand, like, you have to be consistent over all areas of your life. Because now I'm invested. Now you've involved me. So if I see you at your standing desk and I have to deal with this image and I've heard about your bulging disc, and now you wrote me into it. Now if I see you at the company party and you're, like, sitting on a stool, all wonky, I'm like, hey, Tyler, three steps forward, two steps back. Much? Standing at work, sitting on this simian at the bar. I don't know, maybe. Maybe get up and do a warrior one and undo the damage you're doing. Because I'm not going to listen to this. Next week when you want to tell me about how now you have to sit on a yoga ball, another yoga ball running, going down the hallway. I'm not taking the bait. When I walk into your office and you have the upside down hanging machine for your back, I'm not asking you about it. I'm going to pretend I don't even see it. We're co workers. I shouldn't know this much about your body. Why is it creepy for a guy to ask a woman about her body at work, but it's not creepy for a guy to tell us about his body at work. Like, a guy can't be like, oh, wow, Janet. Like, your posture is great, but a guy can tell you the whole history of his back for 45 minutes, and I just have to sit there. A guy can be like, yeah, I gotta wear this weighted vest because I tore my acl. And now when I do squats, I got a hold of my core, I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I am good. Like, I'm good. Knowing someone's injuries is so much more intimate than seeing them naked. Like, we all kind of vaguely know what everyone looks like naked. Injuries. You can't guess that that's. I shouldn't know your injuries. I shouldn't know your status of your. What's the first thing you do when you're, like, madly in love? You guys, like, lie and you, like, talk about your scars. You're like, what's this one? It's a long story. I got time. Who hurt you? Like, I don't want to know about your surgeries. If you have a standing desk, I guess you just like, have to really decorate your office in a way that offsets it, you know, like, if you're standing with your, like the, like the photo behind you, it's just. Be like Genghis Khan. Like, you just have to have like a photo of like Normandy. And you're like, you have to be running. You have to have been on the shore. Prove you need the thing, you know, if you have a standing desk, like, I just, I want to see your Navy SEAL battalion behind you. Like running away from a bomb. They're good. I know they're good. No, I just, They, I just. If you're not standing right, it's going to do damage, you know, it just. And also after a while, you're just. Everyone's just like Dolly Parton, like, like hand on the hip, you know, Every health benefit has a trade off. This is what. And then Silicon Valley is going to come up with a thing that, like, here's the thing that fixes the damage the standing dust did, because this is what's pissing me off about the standing desk is because there's a thing now. There's a chair that you sit and you straddle it and it's like. Cause standing desks, they're bad for you. They cause a problem, then they solve it. They cause a problem, then they solve it. There's always a trade off. I don't like when Silicon Valley is like, here's the thing that's going to fix everything. And you're like, for now. Or if I don't do it exactly how it's supposed to be executed, it could be worse. Like, Huberman, Andrew Herman's obviously brilliant. He he it. If you don't. If you're dumb, even a smart person telling you something's not gonna go over well. Huberman, he's like, get sunlight in the morning. When I tell you when that kind of started. Twice a week. Friends would be like, hey, I have a migraine from looking into the sun. Like you looked into the sun. He told you to get some sunlight in your eyes. And you were just like. Like, a standing desk can do more harm than good to someone who doesn't, you know, who goes to work more than two hours a day. Like Silicon Valley people. The p. Yeah. I just want you understand that the people that invented the standing desk, they do work from home. And I will die on this Hill. Okay, I just. It people. I. I don't like that Silicon Valley goes back and forth between inventing things that are super patronizing, that are like, you guys are so stupid that you need this. But then they make a thing that's like, okay, you can't just make this. We're too dumb to use that. Like, pick a lane. Like, they go back and forth from thinking that, like, we're actual physical trainers that know how to stand for eight hours straight without injuring our lower backs. But then they're like, here's the thing that helps you find hikes. I was paying $12 a month for this app. You know, I can't drop it about finding hiking trails. And I was like, wait, I've been hiking my. I was looking, and I was like, this isn't right. This is where the. I was, like, finding myself overriding my knowledge of where the hiking trail was by trying to follow this app, which was. I don't know who made it. If Ted Bundy was alive today, that would be his app. By the way, you know that you don't need a hiking app. At the beginning of every trail, there's this someone. Someone hammered in the sign and the arrows. Like, also the trail. You see it? Cause it's been walked on. That's where the trail is. If the trail and the app's telling you to go away, that hasn't been locked. I guess the trail is this. No, it's. Trails are. Listen to me. It's called a hiking trail. This means many people have walked on it, okay, for, like, a long time. The trail is what shows you that it's a trail. If you walk and look forward and you can see there's more trail, you keep going. Did anyone have trouble finding hiking trails before? This is actually a serious question. Can you. Can you ask any girl in, like, her 20s in LA? Because hikes are the only date that any guy goes on in la because it's free. I went on a date with a guy, he was like, let me check my app to where the trail is. I was like, I'm gonna head out. If you. If a man can't find a trail that is on the ground that is very clearly stomped on for the past 50 years, they're certainly not gonna find your G spot. It's just. That's just a true statistic. Also, I just. All the solute. They're trying to take away our common sense. They're trying to take away our ability to just read context clues or trying to infantilize Us. I don't want to be out on the hiking trail not trusting my gut. Wait, hold on. Now I'm even more mad. You're going to take me on a hiking trail where there's no wi fi and I'm following your trail on the phone that requires wi fi. The one place there's no service is out on the hiking trails. If you're still using toilet paper in 2025, we need to talk skill, skin care, self care. Can we talk booty care for a second? I upgraded my restroom ritual to good wipes. And I genuinely, I don't know what waited so long was why that was a thing. I was doing Good wipes. It makes flushable plant based wipes for the restroom. They're soft, soothing and safe for sensitive skin. Think of them as an upgrade of your toilet paper. Better clean, better feel better for your tushy. They actually leave you feeling clean. Unlike dry, scratchy toilet paper, they're 40% bigger and stronger than the average wipe and they don't shred or tear. They're designed to break down and be flat blush. So do it. Don't be ridiculous. Okay? It's not perfumey, it's not overwhelming. They have aloe, chamomile, vitamin E, no chemicals, no dyes, rose water, shea cocoa, botanical bliss. Oh gosh, they're magical. It's like, it's like your bathroom got a little glow up. Good Wipes is giving away free wipes. If you want to try a free pack of good wipes, go to Target. Buy a pack, Walmart, Kroger or your local store. Head to goodwipes.com Whitney then text them your receipt. Get reimbursed again, that's goodwipes.com Send SL Whitney to get your free wipes. Good wipes because butts deserve better. Drip Drop. When I am hydrated, everything just functions better. My energy, my mood, my focus. Literally everything improves. That's why I've been using Drip Drop. Drip Drop is a doctor developed proven fast hydration that helps the body and the mind work better. It uses a precise ratio of electrolytes and glucose for rapid absorption, delivering three times the electrolytes and half the sugar of leading sports drinks. So you get real results. More focus, better energy, improved mood. And look at me. I'm just like, I look younger than my son at this point. Drip Drop science backed formula. It's trusted by firefighters, medical professionals and over 90% of top college and pro teams because it's engineered to rehydrate you faster and more effectively. Than water alone. Tastes good. Sixteen flavors. Delicious in the morning. Post workout. Do the thing. Okay, you can get subscription options. You can have it work. You know what to do. Right now, Drip Drop is offering our podcast listeners 20% off. Your first order, go to dripdrop.com use promo code whitney dripdrop.com promo code whitney for 20% off, stock up now before the heat. Stock up now. Dripdrop.com what? Beat that winter heat. Beat that winter heat. Sometimes your heat is you turn it up high. I'm always sweating the most in the winter. So good, so good, so good.
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Today.
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We have access to all these experts. That doesn't mean we shouldn't also think for ourselves. I think that a lot of people, and maybe this is what texts, you know, by design to atrophy our ability to think for ourselves. And maybe we inherently want to be domed like this, but it's like we have more access than ever to information. And doesn't it feel like we're all just kind of getting dumber? The point is, going to San Francisco benefits you. I just want you to go for a day and you'll have a whole new set of fears, but they will be the correct ones. So I can tell you firsthand that you should be very worried about the state of society and your future and frankly, your. Your present. Um, you know, I have been finding a way to not be panicked this whole time or to. I never want to sound an alarm on something, you know. You know, and cause people anxiety for no reason. It, you know, because I'm always the person. Also that goes like, wow, that's going to be figured out, like, by the time we really have to worry about it. The solution will be there. Like, I'm always that person. Like, by the time I get cancer, it'll be. There'll be a cure. By the time there's no clean water, we're going to have like a filter that melts glaciers or, you know, sunscreen's bad for you. Ah, there's a smoothie that's going to fix this, right? By the time child trafficking, they're on top of it. They're going to come up with an app. No, they're not. They're not, okay? They can't. They're not solving any of these problems. They're not focusing on any of the problems that need to be solved because they can't get to work. Okay? They can't go to work to have their pow wow and do their synergy and their think tank. The Silicon Valley, where it's always so dark, dorky. It's like, we're going to do a triage. Like, triage. What is it? I was at one of these things. They were like, our triage. I was like, that's for hospitals. They say that in hospitals you're not saving any lives. In fact, you're a threat to humanity. People go to hospitals because they drove off the road because of the app you created. People are in the ER because you made an electric scooter that told the guy using it to go straight. And then the waymo got confused. That thing. When I was in San Francisco, I sat in traffic for three miles. Took 45 minutes. I would've walked, but I had luggage and I actually kind of fond of my Achilles heel. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, so you're telling me the most important people on Earth spend 45 minutes of their life in traffic? Which is why the only focus of any technology is like, flying cars fly. Like. Like, it's like. Which, by the way, the flying car thing is so funny because they're. That's like, what everybody's working on flying cars. We can't even keep planes in the sky, guys. Bridges can't even stay in the air. Can we work on those? Maybe chill on the flying car. It's never gonna work. It's never gonna work. See, these are just like, these people. No one wants a car to fly over their head. No one. No one wants to be, like, driving. Oh, God. Oh. Whoa. Okay, okay. Yeah. Okay. No, no, good, good. Like, oh, it's. It's just a Laker. Cool. Like, that's not. We still. Helicopters are still stressful you know what I mean? We're not doing it. The problems in San Francisco, the problems that they face are only in like a 10 mile radius of them. It's the only people in the world that face the problems that they. So on one hand, their whole thing is like, here's how you stay in shape with a pill or a machine at your desk, or like a yoga ball or like a, you know, we put this pill in your butthole, like a shirt that shakes your muscles while you're sleeping. That. But on the other hand, they're like, here's the scooter. You don't need to walk. They're like, here's a stretching machine. Also here's a hoverboard so you can tear all the muscles open that you work so hard to build on. Our other machine, here's an app to calm down and relax, which you can only get on the phone. The machine that makes sure you're never calm again. You see these people, they create the problem and then they solve it because they're sitting in traffic. If you see a problem and don't solve it, you don't get to move on to the next level of solving problems. You know how it's like, you must be this tall to ride this ride. It should also be like, you must have solved this problem of commuting to work for 45 minutes at under 10 miles an hour or you cannot invent a thing. Also, the best inventions are by accident. The fact that I go up there and I'm like, I'm about to meet all these inventors and I'm like, what? Who, who decided that good inventions, you penicillin was by accident? I was in mold. Super glue. I looked up this guy. It was. He worked for Kodak and he was trying to use this, like, sticky substance to make something during World War II. And it became so sticky that it was like a nightmare. And he's like, oh, okay, well, just someone will buy it. Someone's going to want to, you know, do a prank where they put someone's tongue on a wall. Like Slinky. Same thing. World War II, this engineer, he wanted to help troops by inventing springs that could stabilize important instruments on naval ships. And then one of them fell off the table and, like, walked down and they're like. And then his wife saw him, was like, show that to the kid, whoever's kids those are in our living room. I don't know. He's like, I have kids. But the point is, that was the Slinky which was, by the way, like the first fidget spinner. What happened to the Slinky? This is the other thing these people do. Slinkies do way more for being calm than any calm meditation app that they made up there. And it was made by accident by a real man who was an engineer at war, not a Nepo baby with a fake startup, Velcro. This Swiss guy noticed that like cockle burrs were sticking into his clothes. And then he went home and he looked at it under a microscope and said they had small little hooks. And then that was that. These are the things we need. We don't need you bringing back a wolf from Jurassic Park. You can't even get your own French bulldog to survive the flight to Aspen. Okay, Silly Putty, you know that that was invented by accident. Creative. During World War II, James Wright, engineer working for the U.S. war Production Board, attempted to make cheap alternative for synthetic rubber. He added boric acid to silicone oil. And that was that Post its. Can I tell you, Post its, like, this is. Can we just relaunch the things that all this tech is based on that they just stole and made it digital? That worked. So I guess post its were also made by accident. But post it notes were truly the last good invention. I'll fight you on this. These dorks are trying to be cool by like, let's bring back the dire wolf, like in the woolly mammoth. Like, we're so cool. We're so punk rock, dude. What would actually make you look cool to chicks is that if they came into your house and there was just a post it note on the fridge that just said like, call Rick. You'd be like, whoa, dude, whoa. If a burglar came in and saw a post it note that said like, call Rick, he'd be like, never mind. Nah. Who's Rick? And what kind of thug used to post it notes? Like, if this dude forgets a small thing like calling Rick, he sure as hell isn't going to remember that strangling someone's a crime. These people, they don't need to live here and they choose to live here. So I need someone to solve this conundrum for me because there's something afoot. Why you would live in a city that is so inconvenient, so impossible to navigate, Taxes are higher, traffic is awful. Why do they live there if they didn't have to? Also, popsicles were invented by an 11 year old. Okay? Name one thing they've done that's as good as popsicles. I don't know why we've decided everyone is a genius if they live in San Francisco. It's like some Stockholm syndrome thing. I don't know what it is. Because you're like, oh, they must know some stuff that we don't. Or like, I don't know what it is. Like, the Toms guy. Someone brought it. Because every time I go up to these, I'm like, hey, what happened to the TOMS guy? I feel like I did that corporate party, like, five years ago. Where do we see all the corporate parties I did five, six years ago? All those people are, like, in jail. And I'm always like, oh, cool. Am I going to get. Like, no one. Like, talk to me, please. Like, I don't want to be. Am I being deposed? Like, every time I get called to San Francisco, I'm like, oh, no. This could go either way. What happened to the TOMS guy? I won't let this stuff slide, okay? He. The Tom's shoes, his whole thing was that. That. Sorry, he was gonna send shoes or something to Africa. Like, that was his whole thing. So he got in trouble because people started going like, oh, you're. You're undermining local economies in Africa by donating free shoes, right? So local shoemakers and sellers in Africa and other developing regions, you're putting them out of business. They were making them in Ethiopia, where there was, like, child labor was. Address your own factories sort of issue. It's just. You know what it is? This is what's wrong with these people, okay? These people. When you sign up to live in San Francisco, you. Your judgment is off. You're not thinking straight. You haven't gone other places to know? I just. Anyone that lives in San Francisco, I'm like, have you been to, like, Houston? You know, where you should, like, check out, like, Denver? Like, there's, you know, there's other super cool cities out there, you know, but this guy's a. You know, I need to invent something. You know what? You know, we need. You know what Africa needs? Shoes. But your whole thing is you work out barefoot. These tech bros, they work out barefoot. Or the toe shoes. You. Because you. It's better to walk barefoot like these people. Silicon Valley breaks your brain. It thwarts creativity, okay? I said it. When you sit in traffic that much, you hate humanity. You hate people. You start to hate them. And all these inventions that I keep listening, they are evocative of someone that hates other people. Africa, let's get them shoes. I don't have to look at their disgust Disgusting feed. And all these photos. Yuck. You hate people. If you live in San Francisco, you become a misanthrope. And you have no motive to make things that help them actually be happier, Right? You're like, let's just drain these pigs for their data. That's what they're doing. You just kept me sitting in traffic for 45 minutes. You just cut me off on my way to spin class. Everyone should have to go on a field trip to San Francisco just to see what our innovators are living amongst and how quickly you can be in a car in San Francisco and be in a great mood and just be like, I never get mad in traffic, ever. I found myself just being like, why am I trying to make you people laugh? Like, I was all of a sudden so negative about humanity, right? Why do we take field trips to the White House? The presidents don't even work there. It's not even that nice of a house, okay? I wanted. I want you to go to Silicon Valley and just see the apartments. They're designed to look like a Robox or like a magnetic tile game. Like, everything is people. There's a lack of beauty, there's old architecture, but it just was like, these are people that you go to their office. The outside just looks like just a cartoon modern, just square, right? And you go in, and their desks are covered in toys, okay? These aren't serious people. They think this is a game, all right? They have superhero action figures on their desk. They collect toys. There's balls. There's like little nets. Mini pickleball they're playing on their desk. These people. These people aren't serious people, all right? They have the ugliest art you've ever seen in their office that cost easily $6 million. It's like a big balloon animal that's, like, shiny, like a balloon dog. Like, it's just a joke, Art. These people are not trying to find the cure for cancer or Parkinson's disease. These people are causing cancer with the choices they are making. They're not. They're not working on cancer. They don't care. There is no way that the person who made the woolly mammoth come back can't cure cancer in 20 minutes. I just think that if you're going to sign up to be an inventor, you have to live in a city that functions or else all you're going to do is invent things to help get around faster and save time. Because that's your main problem, right? If you're a doctor, you have to wear Gloves, right? That's just a rule. If you're a crossing guard at a school, you have to wear a neon vest. Like, no one fights that. If you're a construction worker, you have to wear a helmet. If you're an inventor, you can't live in the most poorly invented city because all you're going to try to do is reinvent it and compensate for the messes of that city, which most people do not live in. All these inventions coming out of there. Everyone's like, huh? No one needs that. Roomba just filed for bankruptcy. Everyone's like, yeah, I don't want a thing that sucks up near my feet. I have a cat. Like, what? No, I don't want a machine sucking at my toes. That's your thing. I'm sure toe sucking machine is at the top of every weirdo adventures list up there, but most people hire a human being to do that for them. You guys, Noble travel. Most luggage is just a box on wheels. Nothing about it actually makes travel easier. Picture this. 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- [36:08]
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Tell them we sent you. I just feel like all of their solutions need solutions now. It's like, here's the app that helps you communicate with your Uber driver for when he cancels. Like, what? Just make that one better. I thought. Hold on. I thought Uber was the solution. Here's the gadget that you can press to notify your friends when you feel like your Uber driver's kidnapping. You just have an invent the thing it didn't take. If you have to invent five more things to fix the invention before that's a lemon. That's a dud. Here's an app for the law firm that defends you when you get stolen by your Uber driver. Like, I had three Uber drivers in the past month, by the way. Stop for gas. The last. We're just fine. She's like, okay, we're together now, I guess. San Francisco, I really got into it. You know, many of the city's water and sewer pipes. 20% of water pipes are 100 years old in San Francisco, water mains breaking heavy storms. All right, but you need to know when my period. I need to put my period into an upload my period for you guys. Okay. The last good invention that came out of San Francisco was the fortune cookie, I think. Do you know that was invented there? They didn't invent the first electric tv. You know, I did look into that. We love tv. That was my job for a while. I don't get why it's the epicenter of innovation because Of Stanford. It's because of Stanford, you know? Do you know that Stanford is. This is true that Stanford has created more than any other educational institution the most psychopaths of any other university. I didn't go to Stanford, though. I didn't go there. I didn't get in because my parents aren't international war criminals. But no, I don't. I actually. I actually like Stanford.
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They.
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I just. They've done a really good job, you know, I'm a football fan. They've done a really good job of making sure that their football players are protected against CTE by making sure that they don't win a single game. Sorry, I'm just saying. Why does San Francisco make all these inventions that don't take. Which ones have taken besides the phone? Blue light glasses. Oh, this is my favorite. Yeah, you need blue light glasses to look at the phone, huh? Just put the screen. Make the screen, not the sun. Don't make me wear blue light glasses. Don't turn us into dorks. Don't make me a four eyes just because you didn't put this. Make the. Make the phone screen. Make me not need the glasses. Apple pencil. Remember that? Dorks. Okay, you guys don't hang out with real people. You know what I mean? Like, it's so wild. It's just like all these inventions that came out that didn't take right away VR, like the fact that VR has not taken off. You know how funny that is to me? It is so funny to me that tech bros just think that men just want to watch real like 3D porn all day. And everyone was like, not homie. We have like, jobs and wives and like, like, we don't need to like, put a hat on about it. Like, we can watch porn like 1D. Like, I get. Like, it's enough. Like, it's. I can just go through my phone. Like, I have videos. Like, like pornhub's like perfectly fine. Like, we have like human women that we would just do that, you know? Like, and these are people that obviously do not have like, functioning amygdalas or emotions. Because when you have, like, normal people are like, want to know what's behind them? Normal people, like, like, what I can't see. Whereas psychopaths, like, what do you mean? The only dangerous person is me. I'm the only person that would sneak up behind someone while they can't see anything. This is proof, you know my whole thing of, like, how to find out that girls don't have girlfriends. Like, I know everything. I need to Know based on the fact that she's wearing that. That bra where the strap is sticking out or clear bra strap. I'm like, ah, she doesn't have girlfriends. And that's tough. Tells me everything I need to know. The traffic in San Francisco reeks of people who don't carpool. And that means they don't have friends. It is all single zero driver cars or single driver cars. Why are you guys carpooling to work? Why is there all this? Just, like, people that are just don't have friends. Guys that don't have friends. That's weird, too. Why aren't you guys all in one car together? Like, we're going to go make our sex robot. Like, why aren't you doing, like, Weird Science, the road trip? It was weird. It was. It was just weird to be like, oh, like, the people that are responsible for our future problems and solutions are sitting in this traffic. And these people are just miserable. And I'm like, after 45 minutes of sitting there, I was so pissed off. And I was like, this is there every morning on the way to work. You're like, ah, why cure cancer? There's too many people as it is. When do you go through that much traffic every morning, you then go to work going, why are we trying to save all these people's lives? There's too many people. So I don't know how you now you guys solve it. Anyway, next week is going to be the roast of 2025. This year was such a blur that it's. It's been kind of fun to write. I'm like, what? Like, that was this year. Yeah. The year where money and fame wasn't enough. Where it was all about just attention and cringe was the new currency. You know, Quentin Tarantino was like, I'm not. Over my dead body. I'm gonna be respected as one of the greatest directors of all time. He's made. He's going on podcasts. If you go on more than five podcasts a year, you have a podcast. I just want everyone to be clear on this. Like, Quentin Tarantino is like, I got all this money. I got all this respect. I got all this fame. Like, it's just. I'm not on a link tree. Like, nobody hates me. This week when Threads is mad at you, you're really in trouble. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye.
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Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?
- [44:39]
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Liberty.
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C
Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates.
- [44:48]
A
Excludes Massachusetts.