The NFL Has Too Many Causes | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 303

Summary

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Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings: “The NFL Has Too Many Causes”

Episode 303 | August 25, 2025

Main Theme

Whitney Cummings, joined by her recurring guest Pat, dives into the ways activism and charity initiatives are increasingly interwoven into professional sports—specifically the NFL—and debates whether this trend is enhancing or detracting from the cathartic, escapist nature of watching sports. The episode is peppered with characteristic comedic banter, tangential storytelling, and reflections on authenticity, grief, and her personal journey back towards embracing her “jock” side.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter: Wood Respect, Ants, Bleeding Earrings

• Whitney and Pat open with a humorous exchange about respecting wood surfaces, Whitney's battle with ants, and a brief earring emergency.
  • “Trees also have their hands full. Making sure we can breathe. But I know you had your hands…” — Whitney (00:29)
  • They joke about fake ant spray and the absurdities of household maintenance.
• Quick digression into the strangeness of product branding (e.g., Trump Steaks).

2. Small Talk and Social Encounters

• Whitney shares her discomfort with rote small talk, particularly at somber events.
  • “When someone asks me, how was my flight? I like, start going to another dimension. I start—there’s rage bubbles up.” (07:24)
• Pat likens dull small talk to torture and waterboarding, emphasizing the universal awkwardness.
• Discuss the idea that modern etiquette could use a chatbot to vet small talk concepts first.
  • “Chad GPT. That’s who you should small talk with. And then with people, you can just, you know, be interesting.” — Whitney (08:46)

3. Faith, Science, and the Reptilian Theory Tangent

• Whitney ruminates on the weirdness of switching belief from religious origins to evolutionary “fish-turned-humans” narratives.
  • “We come from amphibians. And I mean, when you’re pregnant…the, the. It is a frog in your body. It is breathing water.” (11:36)
• Explores the overlap and disconnect between science and myth in pop culture and casual conversation.

4. Grief, Authenticity, and Confronting “Fake” People

• Whitney reveals she's still processing the loss of her best friend, and it’s altering her tolerance for insincerity.
• She recounts a situation where a “fake friend” tried to reconnect for professional gain after publicly mocking her.
  • “Telling fake people they’re fake, honestly, I think it might save their lives.” — Whitney (20:15)
• Draws an analogy to gas theft: “When you’re fake to me, that is the same as stealing gas from my car, and I will treat it as such.” (23:30)
• Declares a new no-tolerance approach for people wasting her time or energy.

5. From Theater Kids to Jock Alliance

• Whitney expresses a shift away from the passive-aggressiveness of “theater kid” types toward the straightforwardness of “jocks.”
  • “I’m done with the theater kids. I’m back to the jocks. Okay, fine, they might be dumber…But they don’t…pretend.” (26:54)
• Finds solace in sports as a space for genuine competitiveness and emotional clarity.

6. NFL: Escapism vs. Activism Overload

• Main theme: The NFL has become overrun with public charity promotions and “cause marketing” (custom cleats, ribbons, hashtags), diluting its escapist potential.
  • “We got to cut out with the promoting, the causes. Why are you bumming me out watching some preseason games?” — Whitney (31:57)
• Critiques the evolution of sports as an “activism delivery vehicle” and wonders if it’s partly due to increased female fandom or PR necessity.
• Offers tongue-in-cheek solutions:
  • “If you want to do something nice for vets, NFL, draft them. Put them on the bench…and just stare at the other team like the whole game.” (32:31)
• Jabs at the superficiality of “charity as image management,” especially after NFL scandals.
  • “You don’t have to show us that you’re…a good person and supports rights and charity.” (35:03)

7. Sports vs. Hollywood: Honesty in Competition

• Contrasts the honest competitiveness of sports with the masked competitiveness of Hollywood.
  • “Sports isn’t pretending they aren’t trying to win. When Hollywood people win a prize for lying, the best…” (39:31)
  • Suggests Oscar winners should openly gloat for authenticity’s sake.

8. Platform Activism: Where to Draw the Line

• Questions why social causes are being conflated with entertainment.
• Suggests that if the NFL wants to use its platform for awareness, it should focus on relevant issues like CTE/brain injury.
  • “Football shouldn’t be activism time, but if it is, it should be raising awareness about brain damage from football.” (42:51)
• Calls for boundaries: “We need to go back to delineating different parts of our lives. …Everything is bled into everything else.” (42:14)

9. Charitable Performances & Paranoia

• Whitney launches her “I’m Watching You” segment, expressing suspicion at the performative nature of public charity on player jerseys and cleats.
  • “There’s something odd to me about—you’re trying to make me think you’re good. I didn’t think you were bad in the first place.” (46:35)
• “What are you getting ahead of?” and “Why are you running so fast?” (47:04–47:14)

10. Teaser for Next Week & Final Reflection

• Announces next week will focus on Taylor Swift’s new prominence in the NFL ecosystem (“We needed a new religion. …She’s stepping in.” — 47:52).
• Self-reflects on hypocrisy: jokes about ending every podcast with “Don’t ride elephants,” recognizing everyone—herself included—has causes to promote for personal reasons (49:07–49:51).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On small talk:
  “When someone asks me, how was my flight? I…start going to another dimension.” (07:24)

• On performative charity in sports:
  “Cut it out. That’s a very good name for a cancer charity, by the way.” (35:03)

• On NFL players and causes:
  “I don’t want NFL players to…be…I don’t…I need to be able to say, get him without worrying that less whales will be saved if he doesn’t get back up.” (35:03)

• On authenticity:
  “Telling fake people they’re fake, honestly, I think it might save their lives.” (20:15)

• On switching alliances:
  “I’m done with theater kids. I’m back to the jocks.” (26:54)

• On digital streaming overload:
  “I am literally going to a game in person…Because that is actually cheaper and less time consuming than trying to log into Fubo or CISO or Hulu Roku. Espn, Go. Espn, go. There's a new ESPN plus.” (37:01)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening banter (wood, ants, earring incident): 00:00–06:38
• Small talk & social fatigue: 06:38–09:21
• Science, religion, and evolution tangent: 09:21–12:57
• Whitney’s authenticity & fake friend confrontation: 18:35–24:53
• Shift toward “jock” world & sports as solace: 26:54–29:17
• NFL has too many causes (main theme): 31:57–37:02
• Sports vs. showbiz competition dissection: 39:31–40:54
• Platform activism critique: 42:14–44:28
• “I’m Watching You” + paranoia about performative charity: 46:35–47:14
• Taylor Swift in the NFL tease for next episode: 47:51–49:07
• Self-recognition of her own cause (don’t ride elephants): 49:07–49:54

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Conclusion

Whitney Cummings uses her trademark blend of sharp wit and personal candor to dismantle the current trend of “charity saturation” in the NFL, arguing for a return to sports as pure, guilt-free entertainment and for more honesty both on and off the field. The episode is as much a comedic meditation on modern culture’s blurred boundaries as a call for everyone—athletes, celebrities, and fans alike—to reclaim spaces where not everything must serve a cause. She leaves listeners anticipating a spirited discussion of Taylor Swift’s growing influence on football culture in the next installment.

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Transcript

[A]

Wait, I wanted to. I. I didn't have time to mention this to you before.

[B]

Are we rolling?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So you are the best. You respect wood.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Broadly. And do you?

[B]

Some people don't.

[A]

I care about it.

[B]

Have we had a conversation about it?

[A]

Yes. I do respect wood. And I do. And I do remember there was a day that I set a drink down on the bench because I was. I probably had my hands full and I needed to, like, not spill on the floor.

[B]

You know what? Trees also have their hands full. Making sure we can breathe. But I know you had your hands.

[A]

I see. Well, that's the root of the respect. I see.

[B]

Good. Double on that.

[A]

And then for someone who has an ant problem, occasionally you're very liberal with the ant spray on your wonderful desk.

[B]

Now, here's what I'll say.

[A]

Made of wood.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Respectable wood. And I'm noticing there's some hot spots on the desk.

[B]

Where is Pat? Pat coming for my wood and treatment there. I. I mean, it is like. This is like you saying, like, I don't think your dogs are being taken care of properly.

[A]

I think you've been busy.

[B]

Here's what I'll say. The ant problem is truly unmanageable at this point. I don't say this often, but I'm in over my head. And what I'm using is an oil.

[A]

This is not a promo, but can you talk about this thing you've been spraying all over the house?

[B]

There's no way to promote this product.

[A]

Because it's not working, because it's fake. It's a placebo ant spray that just ruins death.

[B]

So this saline solution that is inside a can that says ant spray.

[A]

Everything designed by ants.

[B]

You say ants can carry, like a thousand times their weight. They make this. This is their main product. They make food for themselves and we spray it out for them. So. Egg on my face. But I. My logic is that I put this oil on the wood and it doubles as a wood moisturizer.

[A]

Yeah. Like you're treating it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got a tray here. This tray or the laptop. But you've really been working it into the desk.

[B]

Okay, so. Oh, because I spray around it and then.

[A]

You didn't. You don't. You're not clearing it because obviously you're busy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why you have ants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then that's why you're trying to get the ant problem taken care of.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

You're just hitting where you see the ant. So, like, there must have been some. Something they like. Something Here. Because you hit this at least 10 times more than here.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

And something lived here, and you never got that. So there's a ghost.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

This desk has been well treated in small.

[B]

And so there's, like, patches. Look, Pat, I don't expect you to understand art. Like, that's not. You don't have to get it.

[A]

It's telling a story.

[B]

It really is. And it's one that ends poorly for you.

[A]

You're not gonna like the last page of this story.

[B]

It's very. It's. It's M. Night Shyamalan level. Although I do see a ring on my desk, and that is. That's all I see.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And that feels like you're trying to distract me from the ring that you obviously left from your. You know what, Trenta? Coffee. Do I require that much coffee to talk to? You know, when your pocket sprucer comes in with, like, a big thing of coffee, I'm ready to go.

[A]

All right, let's. I keep those eyes open today.

[B]

I take the size coffee you walk in with when you work with me. I take very close with it.

[A]

I have eyeballs tattooed on the back of my eyelids so I can get away with this.

[B]

All right, Let me put the hooks in my eyelids so I can actually. It's like, stay away.

[A]

Clockwork Orange, monitoring the show.

[B]

Here's Starbucks. Like, working with Whitney today. Trenta.

[A]

Here's Visine. And the hooks and the smile.

[B]

Yeah. Fish hooks to keep your. So, look, you know, I don't. I'm a two birds, one stone type of guy, so I'm oiling and caring for my desk. Quillist also, you know, quelling the ant situation.

[A]

I haven't seen any today, which is good. But a few of them came with me last time.

[B]

They're inside your house.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I'd sat down after last week.

[B]

They've evolved.

[A]

Yeah. I opened up my computer, and I was like, all right, let's get started.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then, like, three ants crawled across my fingers.

[B]

Like. But here's the thing. These. You have to understand, these ants, like, everything now, they're actually not. They are a figment of our imagination.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, what just happened to you? I will sit down and I'll just be like, why is one on my cheek? There's no way it could have got here.

[A]

Yeah, they're going for a ride on your legs.

[B]

Yeah, they're. They're. Right now we are just projecting and imagining them at this point. I'm not joking. Oh, Pat, you're gonna have to do surgery on me real quick. I'm not even kidding. Okay. Okay. I knew something was up. Okay. Do you see that this earring doesn't go out the other way? All four?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I feel in the back here, like, right there is a really small one.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's the. The second one from the top is bleeding.

[B]

Cool. But you definitely see the back clasp.

[A]

Yep, I see the back clasp. And when I push on them, all four have the rod going through as well.

[B]

And the end.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Welcome to our program. No, keep going. We're not. Nope, nope.

[A]

A little hand spray to that.

[B]

I think I need a little Bactine. I think mommy needs some back teen in the old ear.

[A]

Should you want me to clip that to your head while you do the show?

[B]

It's so. No. Do you have Trump's maxi pad? Can I have the. Have been shot in the ear maxi pat on the side of the head?

[A]

Yeah, it's. I keep it in the fridge. With the Trump steaks.

[B]

With the Trump steaks. Have you ever had a Trump steak?

[A]

Has anyone ever had a Trump steak?

[B]

No.

[A]

He just white labeled a steak and threw his logo on it.

[B]

I'm just so fascinated by just like. And I do steaks now. All these required meetings.

[A]

You know, he's like a crusty the clown type of character with the funny merch layers.

[B]

I'm thinking that I just. If I just. Okay. All right, so now that I'm bleeding from the head, you can begin.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I was at a thing last night for my friend that passed away like a. Whatever. And, God, I can't. The small talk is just, what did I do to deserve this? Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I'm like, what did I do to deserve that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is this. Is alligator Alcatraz as bad as this? I mean, it's hard to escape. Yeah. An alligator Alcatraz. Is it just like the. You know, the officers are just like, hey, so how's your day going? Did you take the 405? I came. Hey, what. So what's. What are you up to this weekend? Any shows coming up?

[A]

Yeah. That's some wonderful day level torture.

[B]

When someone asks me, how was my flight? I like, start going to another dimension. I start. There's rage bubbles up. It's just like, do you really want to know?

[A]

Like, the waterboarding stops and they pull the cloth off and the guy leans in and goes, so, how's your summer?

[B]

So. So if my flight was bad, now you're gonna make me relive it.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

And if it was good, you're gonna make me be boring. And this is called a double mind.

[A]

Whatever win you had on that flight is now ruined by rehashing it.

[B]

Also, there's not. You got nothing else you've had. I mean, you knew you were gonna see me. You didn't.

[A]

You're like, ask me anything.

[B]

You know what I miss? You know, like, movies where like a guy's about to go, like, see a girl, and he's like, practicing in the mirror, being like, hey, stupid. And then he's like, hey. He's like, ah, dumb.

[A]

Can we.

[B]

I've never thought that was weird. I've never been like a loser. I'm like, yeah, that's what you should. You should practice how to talk to someone in a mirror before you go out in the world and just willy nilly.

[A]

Well, maybe right before they left the bathroom and they finally looked in the mirror and they were like, how's your flight? They're like, got it. That's the one.

[B]

Like, can we just. Can you run your small talk by someone else first?

[A]

Chad GPT.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah. That's who you should small talk with. And then with people, you can just, you know, be interesting.

[A]

Yeah. What are 10 things I can say other than how was your flight? Is a good question for chat GPT.

[B]

Oh. Oh, that is a good question for chat. GPT. They're asking me because I was like. Or you can just say not high and we can just keep going.

[A]

I wouldn't give you an assignment like that. That's even worse.

[B]

Well, I realized this last night. I just don't do small talk. Well. I'm not good. How about this? I'm good at it. I'm gonna own this because there are a lot of people that are really good at it. I'm not gonna be like, small talk's dumb. People seem to really like it.

[A]

Yeah, well, most of the things that you in. Enjoy as far conversationally that you enjoy, most people are trying to avoid.

[B]

And then when people are like, is it cold up in Santa Barbara? I'm like, like, get out weather. And if you're gonna talk about the weather with me, we have to be like, well, these floods are. Are weird. Yeah, like, I'll go there. People like, God, it's like freezing. And I'm like, was it freezing now this time last year and that plane was flying a little low. Connect the dots is so funny. I mean, me. Last night at this very somber occasion, someone went like, oh, yeah. I mean, there's people out there that think people are reptiles. And I was like, just shut up. Just shut your mouth.

[A]

Not here for that.

[B]

I was like, had to do it. Well, I wasn't saying there's reptile. I was just like, imagine being Christian, Okay. Being Christian your whole life and you believe that. It was just, there was a bang and then we were all here. And then you go, you know what? That seems extremely magical.

[A]

Oh yeah. That's the convergence of science and religion.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Which is the further you dig.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, well, what's behind that? What's behind that? What's.

[B]

But if you're like, I only grew up in, in Christianity. And we're like, there was a bang and it was God and we were here. I can hardly make my computer. Like, how do you just bang and there's a bunch of people. You start asking questions about your religion. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you're like, you know what? I'm gonna just take a gander at this evolution thing. You know what? A lot of people seem to be into this evolution thing. Okay. I'm gonna just like check it out. And then you learn that evolution is that we came from fish. Imagine being like, wait, fish grew legs and then the eyeballs we. We have. Okay, okay.

[A]

So they grew legs and then they're like, but I gotta go back in the water to have babies. And then they came up with the egg. We come from water in the egg.

[B]

We come from amphibians. And I mean, when you're pregnant, the, the. It's. It is a frog in your body. It is breathing water.

[A]

Your belly is. Has turned into a flesh egg.

[B]

I was gonna say aquarium, but okay. No, there's. It's breathing water. It's got gills. I don't even know. So then you're like, wait, hold on. We came from. We fish to legs, to whatever. To whatever. To whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That just gets reduced. Like, wait, we come from like reptiles and things.

[A]

Yeah. Now we're out here rapping.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, I don't know what the reptile theory is, but I know that if I always believe that it was just, ta da, we're here. And then was like, well, hold on. We just like crawled of the water like a little vermin.

[A]

I mean, we're still. We're literally a brain with a tail inside our body in a nervous system.

[B]

So to me, it wouldn't be. There's reptile people. It's just like, we all are reptile type people things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your Voice gets higher when you are like, I know you're on to something, Whitney. But also like this line of thinking, we should maybe call it.

[A]

I mean, it's just a different show. We could do a separate, A separate show.

[B]

But I was just like, you know, me always trying to get into the brain of the person that's being attacked.

[A]

Yeah. Like when you're in the elevator with someone and rather than small talk, you're like, hey, what do you think of the Scientology ships? And they're like, I got to get out of this elevator.

[B]

You know, I just, I thought my dog was just like slowing down with age. You know, my dog's a little bit older, less playful maybe, you know, tired. That slamming breath has, is coming. My dog is just breathing fire and sadness every night into my face. But after a few weeks I had, I started doing rough greens. My dog's energy is better. Her coat looks amazing. She's. She's buoyant. She's back. Regular dog food is. It's shelf stable for years because it's just, it's dead. It's. It's burnt nothingness. Dog food is dead food, basically. Rough greens puts the life back in with live vitamins, minerals, probiotics, digestive enzymes and omega oils. It's not dog food. It's a live nutritional nutritional supplement to simply add to your dog's meals. No need to change their food. Just add rough greens and watch the transformation. Rough green supports joint and muscle health, helps dogs stay active and alert as they age, and promotes long term vitality with antioxidants and anti inflammatory nutrients. Rough greens is offering a free jump start trial bag. Just cover the shipping. Go to roughgreens.com use the code Whitney to claim yours. R u f f greens.com promo code Whitney. Don't change your dog's food. Just add rough greens and watch the benefits come alive. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. These days it feels like there is advice for everything. Cold plunges, gratitude journals, screen detoxes. But. But those are scams, those dream journals.

[A]

That is a corrupt system.

[B]

I obviously need to see a licensed therapist asap. It can make a huge difference. Therapy gives you personalized strategies, coping skills. It helps you set healthy boundaries so that you can be the best version of yourself. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform with over 30,000 licensed therapists worldwide and more than 5 people serve. The app is convenient. You can meet with a therapist from home with the click of a button. And if you need to switch therapists, you can do it at any time. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Whitney that's betterhelp.com Whitney better hp.com Whitney you know, it doesn't belong in your summer plans. Getting burned by a giant wireless bill. While you're planning beach trips, barbecues and long weekends, the last thing you should worry about is data overages and surprise charges. You know, Pat, bad surprise.

[A]

Bad surprise. Ruined my summer. I gotta.

[B]

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[A]

Will you cry into this shot glass so I can.

[B]

Take this to the next reunion? And let's see. I'm gonna be in Ridge, Connecticut. And then I'm going to be in Huntington, New York. And then I'm coming to Philly reading. I'm coming to all the places. So if you still leave your house, if you still believe people are real and want to come see a real person, if you want to. It did. See. It's more of an experiment than anything else at this point. You know, come out, see if you're real. You know, sit in the seat that was assigned you and see if someone sits on your lap. And if they do, you're either fake or at a Theo Vaughan show. Did you see the girl that got thrown out of the Theo Vaughn show? You think it's. It's wild up in the sky, dude. Come to a comedy show. All right? People that need to laugh that also had some fireball earlier who also want to get in a crowd work clip. It is bonkers. All right, so thank you to anyone who has been so patient about me being in such a weird headspace recently after losing my best friend. But just know that, like this, you're going to get something out of this. Those of you that have stuck with me. It's. A lot of people are like, oh, Whitney, like, feels like she's gone sane.

[A]

And the calm before the.

[B]

We had a good. We had a good run with sanity, didn't we? It's like Whitney's so clear when he's so together, when he's having such good insights. She seems so good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Never been more bored in my life.

[B]

Snore. The good news for you guys is that I have hit a new level of not giving an F. And I. There's something liberating about this. There's something liberating, you know, and she might. My friend that I just lost. She might have been, like, the only person in my life I. I actually wanted to impress in any capacity. Like, I wanted her to be proud of me. I didn't want her to be, like, disappointed in me. But since you've been gone, I can do whatever I want. Gay. That Sinead o' Connor song really hits later in life when you go through stuff like this. I don't have to worry about her being embarrassed. So I just, you know, get ready, get ready. I haven't shaved since I stopped dying my grays. I just spray literal soot on my hair now. The pillows on my bed look like a coal miner with ADD sacrificed to squid. And I don't care. The other day, someone texted me about a work thing who had put laughter emojis under someone's comment about me on threads, who had trashed me back in January did a joke that was like, just at my expense, unnecessary. But this person would get, like, woke brave points if they did it with, like, the threads community and a person I've known for truly 18 years, like, coworker, friend, whatever, put laugh emojis under it. I wasn't tagged. I saw it. I was like, you know what? Fine. Water on the bridge. Like, fine. I thought we were friends. We're not. Who cares? Who cares?

[A]

Who cares?

[B]

And then they reached out to me this past week about. About a work thing, and I was like, I got you. Screen grab send. You're not. You're not going to pretend to be my friend when eight months ago you co. Signed on me being trash public. I'm not even going to not respond anymore. I'm ready. I'm going to respond. I am ready to start telling people the truth to their face. Doing it passive aggressively through a podcast isn't working. Okay. I. I don't have the energy to be fake on a level now that. But I will make the energy to go out of my way to point out that you are fake as people need to know. People need to know when they're fake because there's a chance they might not know, right? It's like to me, telling someone that they're fake, it's like saying that you have food in your teeth. I think it's actually like, a nice thing to do. Like, hey, you have spinach in your teeth. Also, you're fake. And not in a good way. Like, how we're all fake. Like, you're fake. Like telling fake people they're fake. Honestly, I think it might save their lives. I think I did the nicest thing anyone could ever have done for this person, going like, hey, I see you. I saw that. I know who you are. I know what you did. Here's the screen grab. Here's who you are. The screen grab of you doing that right under the text of you asking something of me professionally. That's you. And then as soon as I get the response, that's. It's a. It's a rectangle. I'm like that. See, I don't even need to read this Spiraling. This is. I don't need. If you are fake to someone, they know, they know. They know. So basically you're opening with, hi, I think you're dumb, but I'd like to.

[A]

Know how dumb are you?

[B]

I think you're so overloaded with chromosomes that me pretending to like you is going to go so unnoticed by your stupid, stupid head. That I'm just gonna do it right to your face. When you lead with that and maintain that for, I don't know how long this has been going on, a lot of people will let it slide. I let it slide for 18 years. But if you hit the wrong Tina on the wrong day, on the wrong Cinco de Mayo, you might just get an office phone thrown in your direction. You'll be saved by the cord pulling it back. People are at capacity right now, and everyone's about to snap. And you never. And for some reason, being fake is the thing that's like, oh, you're going to make me act. You're going to make. You're going to take. It is so energetically draining to have to participate in somebody being fake. I take it. I think it should be a. It's like stealing gas. You're stealing my energy. Why is that not as bad as stealing gas in my car. Remember when people were stealing gas at airports? It happened to me at lax, you would just go back to your car and you'd have no gas.

[A]

Yeah, they just march through the parking lot.

[B]

Smart. Okay, but that's incredible. When you're fake. To me, that is the same as stealing gas from my car, and I will treat it as such. Stealing someone's time and energy should be stealing my car, my money. That's a crime. But that's replaceable. Stealing my time, I can't get that back. So just brace yourself. I just hit a new gear where. If you haven't texted me in a while, I have a screen grab I've been sitting on that I will send back to you. Okay. You underestimated my ocd. And that's where people really. That's what's going to bite you in the. In the tush. It's Virgo season, guys. You don't think I got a whole folder of screen grabs of your past behavior? And then the response was, well, you know, at the time, you're saying things, you know, that I didn't agree with. And one of them was like, you, you know, suggested in a joke that someone running for office might be a pedophile, which I think is. Must have been Tim Wall, Tim Waltz joke when he went to China or something like that, of like, who would go to China with 17 boys or something like that. And.

[A]

Good question.

[B]

Yeah, it's. No one's answered me. And then the response was like. And then I really think that does harm, you know, And I was like, oh, wait, I did harm with one of my jokes. And you have my number. And you could have called me and asked me to take. You could have stopped harm.

[A]

Can I make that up to you with a professional favor today?

[B]

But also, like. But also, you could have stopped harm. You could have called me and said, hey, Whitney, I think this causes. And convinced me to take it down. And you didn't. Yeah, you just laughed at someone else's joke about me that had nothing to do with this joke a couple months later. Have your ducks in a row. Okay, if you don't like me, don't like me. If you want to be mean to me to get clout with someone else, just do it and tag me. Let's all just be. The point is, if. If I were you, now's the time to be a fan of me. If you weren't already. Okay, now's the. I had a kid. Both my parents died horrifically. My best friend just died. You will be seeing me in a gear of not caring that is truly reserved for people with lifetime sentences in jail, like Australian aboriginals and anyone who goes to a TR. Travis Scott concert. Like, I will go see that guy on tour at this point. Like, I. I would. There was a time where I was like, I don't know. I don't want to. This isn't. I'll go scuba diving. I'll go cave diving. All the things I said I would never do. I'm like, let's go. I. I don't know. I. I am truly down to clown in a way that is possibly only seen by the people who work in, like, the jails under Disneyland. Like, I'm it. Everyone who talks smack about people on threads without tagging them. Like, it doesn't even have to be me at this point. I'm coming for you. I'm gonna find. I'm. I am coming for bullies. You know what it is? I'm done with the theater kids. Something about this grief that just happened to me. It becomes clarifying where you realize all the people that pretend to be victims are actually the bullies. Especially because we're 500 years old now. Like, I can't. I'm not doing high school theater drama anymore. I'm done with theater kids. I'm back to the joc. Okay, fine. They might be dumber. Fine. But they don't. They don't. They just fight you. They'll just fight you. They'll put you into a locker. That is bullying.

[A]

I can understand clear motivation.

[B]

Yeah, but like a smear campaign and side chains. K, look, I mean, you know at the end, I. By the way, I did talk to someone last night who works with, like, basically the WNBA in France, and I'm. I might just go play French.

[A]

I think you should. I. I'll say it every week. I'll start every week with, how's tryouts?

[B]

I might retire from being comedian and a comedian and just play basketball. Because I do believe that, like, we talk about ageism in, you know, movies and tv. We don't talk about it in sports. If any of you can shoot 14 free throws in a row, let me know. Let me know. We know that sports is where I'm finding comfort now. It's not in the movies anymore because they're all, I can't with you theater dorks. I need. I need a minute. Sophie Cunningham is my emotional support player at this point. The fact that she is now out for the season is nothing short of God just hates me. So I'm finding a lot of emotional comfort away from the theater kids at the moment, away from TV and movie. Like, I need a minute from pretend time. All right, so it's football season, and I gotta say, I'm a football guy. I'm a football guy. Watching people fight fair makes me feel calm. Like, there's, like, football is, like. I've always been, like, a closet football. Like, like, weirdo. But I think that with the way people fight online and stuff now, it's just. There's something so refreshing about watching people just, like, fight with rules and do it for real in person, you know, like, look, football season is among us. All right? You know, okay, so my people are like, what? You're in a football? When I moved to la, I couldn't be anything that I was. Like, I grew up. I was very much like a tomboy growing up. I don't know if that's even still a thing, if you just immediately get sent to surgery or something. I was like, sports guy. My dad clearly wanted a son, and I was absolutely available to pretend. When I moved to la, you had to pick a gender, like, right away. There was like, you're the cute blonde. You're the, like, brunette best friend. You're, like, super. You know, like, you wear your hair down at the gym, in the scene, like, what? But now if you pick a gender, it's like a hate crime immediately. But back. It was not like that when I moved here. Like, so I always had to hide the fact that I was a tomboy. The notes were always like, you need to be more feminine. You need it. Like, I would wear Brown hoodies. My agent called me Charlie Brown because I only wore, like, brown hoodies and, like, backpacks and my shoes had Velcro and, like, whatever. Like, I look like one of the boys from Stranger Things. Like, truly, actually. But, like, after having a boy baby, now I feel like I can be a football fan. Like, I actually need to study organized violence. I used to feel bad about watching football a little bit because I, like, feel like I learned a lot about the concussion stuff, and now I'm like, it's fine. We're all. By the way, if you can't remember anything after 30, I'm jealous. If you lose your memory, honestly, your life will be better. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. What? Has memory ever served anyone well at this point? Okay. I just am enjoying sports more than ever. At a time where people online anonymously fight like, cheap shots after cheap, football is just like a breath of fresh air. People who hate each other for no other reason, you know that it's their job to say, meet me outside. People that just as their job, are like, meet me outside. Here's the time. I. Instead of just little jabs in the middle of the night on Reddit and Twitter and whatever, they're like, I'll see you in St. Louis in four months for our yearly duel. Everyone. Everyone's fighting all the time. This is like. It feels like a vacation when you watch fighting happen with, like, whistles and referees and lines on the ground and there's no, like, misspelled words in the insult. I like rules, okay? I used to be very anti rule person, but now things have gotten so chaotic that I'm like, I love a rule. We watch people fight fair. It's the closest thing we can all get to integrity at this point is football. This is where we are, but football. I gotta come for you for a second because you are my only source of emotional calm at the moment. I'm in the cult here. It's starting to slip, okay? I don't know if it's because there's more female fans now or what's going on, but we got. We got to cut out with the promoting, the causes. Why are you bumming me out watching some preseason games. There's, like. There's charities on their, you know, shoes and stuff. We're not. No. When did it become normalized to just be a bummer at all times? We know there's problems in the world. That's why we want to check out and watch football, to not have to think about the Fact that the government doesn't do anything for our vets after they serve in an actual war. Of course they don't. Why would the government do anything to make sure that vets are healthy, mentally or physically? Why would they want to make sure an army of people who are excellent with weapons and very mad at them for finding out they fought for something fake? Why would they want to make sure they're mentally and physically healthy? I feel like the VA spends most of their time trying to make sure ex military can't get each other's phone numbers. If they were all to get together, it's almost like you'd have an army on your hands. Okay, if you want to do something nice for vets, NFL, draft them, put them on the bench. Put them on the bench. Pay them 200 grand a year to just be on the bench. If I. Can you think of a better way to intimidate your opponent? Hey, commanders, next time you go play the Eagles show up on the field with a thousand former combat soul Desert Storm vets behind you in your uniform. Like the Thriller video, They're just like, limping behind you. That's how you break your enemy's brain. Okay, they'll just sit on the bench, that's fine. But they'll just stare at the other team like the whole game, like, that's all you got. Yeah, sorry. That guy hugged you too hard. You want me to rub it with my hook? You don't need to put charities on your helmets or causes on your hashtag or on your codpiece or what is your cup or what? I can't. There's a campaign that puts it on their shoes. Okay? It's. This campaign allows players to wear custom cleats featuring symbols or logos of charities and causes important to them. And some. It's like cleats, charity cleats or something. And it highlights the players efforts and has the NFL foundation auctioning the cleats later to raise funds for the charity. Cut it out. Cut it out. That's a very good name for a cancer charity, by the way. Do you remember when all the NFL players were wearing ribbons? Like breast cancer ribbons? Some publicist was like, you know, all right, guys, we gotta. We got some bad pr. Michael Vick. That wasn't great. You know, we need to just like. You know, we need to align with a charity, you know, so guys, where.

[A]

Are my ladies at?

[B]

Yeah, so guys, like, what's something that matters to you? Like, what's the cause that matters to you? They're like. And someone's like, I heard women's boobs are getting removed.

[A]

I also care about boobs.

[B]

They're like, what? Women's boobs are coming, like, what? How do we stop that from happening? Like, and it's like, you know, there's other cancers too. We gotta make sure that women's boobs stay on their sternums. All right, Whatever that is. Like, well, you know, women also get, like, brain cancer, like, eats their brain. They're like, ah.

[A]

How are her boobs doing?

[B]

Also, can we. How do we support brain cancer? Not brain cancer. Research is brain cancer. We. We get brain cancer makes it so women don't talk or remember things.

[A]

We don't want to eradicate it. We just want to get it under control.

[B]

We just want to be able to pass it on to our wives and girlfriends, frankly. Look, I love watching football. I just want to be able to enjoy watching football. It's weird. It's weird to have a cause that's like, this charity goes to supporting at risk youth with addiction. Here's my hashtag. Now excuse me while I go be violent for money. Which will lead to me needing to be on an IV of numbing agents for the rest of my days. The only difference is you're doing it as a job. Like, can sports just be sports? Do you have to make it serious? If you're an athlete, you literally get to play games for a living. Play. You may recess your career. Just take the win the things we do on Thanksgiving Day as our most fun outside silly goose activity. That's, like, your job. You don't have to show us that you're, like, a good person and supports rights and charity. I don't want NFL players to, like, be. I don't. I don't. I need to be able to say, get him without worrying that less whales will be saved if he doesn't get back up. Football is just so much more fun to watch now because, like, the cameras are. I mean, they truly have cameras inside their bodies. Like, they. They can actually capture it does feel like being there. So stop ruining it with all these fake money laundering schemes that are supposed to trick me into thinking you not.

[A]

Only failed your team, but you've failed cancer research.

[B]

It's just. It's wild, though, with how much coverage there is, like, you can see the cameras, like, hanging from. The actual game of football at this point is actually both teams trying to not get a concussion from the drones and flying cameras to, like, zigzagging around. Like, I mean, by the way, I'm starting to go to more games. On my birthday, I will be going to the Eagles Dallas game in Philadelphia only because I can't find it. I don't. I can't get an otv. I am literally going to a game in person. I'm getting a hotel room. I'm getting a plane ticket. Because that is actually cheaper and less time consuming than trying to log into Fubo or CISO or Hulu Roku. Espn, Go. Espn, go. There's a new ESPN plus. What is the plus? Fubo Plus. Why did. Did I have minus that whole time? Has it been minus this whole time?

[A]

TBD is not as catchy.

[B]

Just. Just make Fubo better. Just upload. You don't have to, you know, just make. Keep it Fubo. But make it Fubo.

[A]

Yeah, I'll keep it Fubo, dude.

[B]

Like, I don't. Like, I just gave Fubo, like, 200 over four months, and I can't even find it. They're like, you're all signed up. Then you log in again. It's the day of the game. They're like, well, Fubo plus. I'm like, what did is this for? Wait a minute. I have to be on a plane to watch this? This is plane tv. Oh, this is in flight only. This thing. Do you know I signed up to watch this on a flight into it. Jeb Blue does have live sports, and I might just. I think every time the Eagles play now, I'm just gonna get on a plane to wherever.

[A]

Like, bone finger.

[B]

I'm just gonna go. I'm just. People, where are you going? I'm like, I'm just watching the game.

[A]

Well, Seattle and back.

[B]

Just go on Seattle. Just to watch and see. I don't know how else to do it at this point. I'm just. I am a sports dork, and I've been in the closet about it because. I don't know. I think because my job is all theater nerds who pretend they're not competing yet have 30 award shows so they can redo their prom every year. Like, they. I mean, when Hollywood people pretend that it's not competitive, you know, and then, like, it's just. You want to. You're there to win. I. I don't like when people pretend they're not competitive. Like, when someone wins an Oscar and they get up there and they just thank all the people who lost to win and be like. To all my fellow nominees, like, to make sure that their competition is on camera right when they lost so that everyone could see their face after they lost. While the person who did win is meanest person you've ever met who pretends to be nice. That's who should win the Oscar. The actress who didn't win, who has to be on camera when the winner thanked them and praised them to try to look humble. When that. When that person, if their reaction doesn't look homicidal, there should be a second Oscar. That's like. And you win an Oscar for looking like you're not pissed at that person when. When they threw the camera right back on you. All right, that should. That should be it. I mean, the fact that you sold that you two actually get along, you win an additional Oscar. Can everyone just be entertained? Can we just be competitive? What's so wrong with this? Okay, Sports. Sports isn't pretending they aren't trying to win. When Hollywood people win a prize for lying, the best. The people who win as best at tricking people get up and they're like, we need to protect children. Yeah.

[A]

It would be so funny for somebody to win best actor, best actress, whatever. And to get up there.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In your face. I told you all year. I told you all year.

[B]

You know this.

[A]

I called it victory dance, everybody. This year. Suck it.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, that would be so sick. Yeah. Instead, they're like, we need to save the children. Yes. The movie I did had seven children in it who were gussied up and fitted for clothing custom made for their bodies by strangers so they could portray beautiful ballerinas so we could all watch them dance and display what their taut, flexible legs can do. Yes. We did glue eyelashes onto their eyelids every morning. But, you know, adversity is also good for kids. Two birds. Amazing cinema with beautiful children. We gave them the adversity they did. Whatever lie you need to tell yourself. Oh, and also added bonus child acting. We teach them to lie.

[A]

So one day they'll be up here.

[B]

We paid them to lie. So now these children that we want to protect so badly have a place in Hollywood. Eight years old, they already have an agent, and they're just working like crazy. I just. I need an outlet for my. We all need an outlet for our rage. And that's what sports does. And when you put charities on it, you create more rage. Okay. I need to be able to feel excitement. Football is just like I need. You got to stop ruining the vibe with your charity collab and the rainbow flag. And we're not. We're not free in Palestine right now. You don't know what you're saying. The back of someone's helmet Is not that. Can anyone just read a room? This is why we've all gone nuts. We don't have pure entertainment anymore. Everything is bled into everything else. Politics is bleeding into entertainment. Sports is making me think about cancer and my dead friend. We need to go back to delineating different parts of our lives. Who runs this? It's. I feel like the person that runs this charity initiative with footballs. They go to the buffet and they mix all their food in one the place. Everything's. The beans are bleeding into the potatoes. Football shouldn't be activism time, but if it is, it should be raising awareness about brain damage from football. The idea that someone is like, okay, NFL players, we really want to show how much we care here in the NFL. We want to do something to donate to some devastating illness, like dementia, for example, where your brain no longer works after you're 70. It's awful. They're all like, I'm 25 and I can't remember what city I live in. So how about a charity for retired NFL players? The ones who. Who don't make Tom Brady money, who will spend the rest of their lives watching Reba on a loop. What about them? Look, I'm not against using a big platform to spread messages that will make things better in society. I'm very pro that. But just don't try to ambush people, you know, when they're signing up to watch professional recess. Okay, they just drank in the parking lot. They brought their son, and you guys are like, genocide's your fault. It's like, no, no. My seats are so bad, my nose is bleeding. Okay, I'm bleeding. We're bleeding. Our heads are bleeding. Maybe no guilt trip today. If you're going to have causes on the players. Helmets are on the field. Just. Just make them be reminders that we all need. Just. They just can be reminders, you know, like, the end zone doesn't have to say, like, stop this war in Syria or, you know, whatever. Don't you just say, like, you don't always have to have an opinion.

[A]

Keep it to yourself.

[B]

You're allowed to say, I don't know. You're allowed to say, I don't know much about that issue, so it's premature for me to weigh in. Like, things that would actually help the world. Like, the end zone should just say, like, podcasts aren't books just, like, reminders, you know, like, on the back of one of their helmets. It's okay to be polyamorous and not tell anyone. Anyone can start a podcast, but not everyone Should. The point is football. You don't need to show us your good people with causes. We. We don't not care, but we don't care. Right now on your helmet. I don't want to say, stop violence against trans people and then you turn around and behave violently by tackling a man who identifies as a Panther.

[A]

The only trans people I'll commit violence against are professional NFL playing trans people.

[B]

Yeah, what if it's a trans player? I hope he would commit violence against them.

[A]

Just don't join the league and you're safe.

[B]

Okay? If you're gonna do it, at least make it work with the team. Name that. Maybe that. Maybe that would help me. Like, Miami Dolphins should just say FC World. Just do, like, do what's in your wheelhouse. Like, for the Saints. Just have, like, justice for Catholic schoolboys. Is that what a saint would actually do? Stop the Catholics? I don't know. I don't know. We need something. We need something. I know. That was a stretch. We just. We need something. Oh, I'm glad we. I feel like this is. I feel like we fixed this problem. I thought a lot of people were annoyed about this. And then. What's that? The NFL called. They're gonna stop right there.

[A]

That's a wham block.

[B]

Great. I just feel it's the principle of. You're. You're. You're trying to. Look, no one thinks you're bad. How about that? No one thinks so. Ah, we just got it. I just got it an hour in. I know what I want to say. All right, I'm ready to start the podcast. No. When you put your little ditties about these fake charities on a helmet, I go, what are you guys up to?

[A]

Why am I looking at that? What am I not looking at?

[B]

What am I not looking at? Like, why are you supporting a charity? Should be private. It's just for your. It's your private thing. It's your sex tape. I don't want to know what you're. Because whatever your charity is reveals something about your life that's too intimate for me to know.

[A]

Do I need to get the fence graphic out for this one?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Are you watching? Who am I watching you?

[B]

Huh? What's that mean?

[A]

The.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

When you. When you do the I'm watching you segment on the show. I'm watching you throw up the fence over here.

[B]

I'm watching you. We haven't done I'm watching you in a minute. We've been doing a lot of grow.

[A]

Up oh, grow up's a good one, too.

[B]

Yeah, this is.

[A]

This could be an. I'm watching.

[B]

Hey, there we go. Watching you guys. I. I'm watching you. I'm watching you. I'm watching you because there's something odd to me about. You're trying to make me think you're good. I didn't think you were bad in the first place. So why are you pushing this on me?

[A]

What are you getting ahead of?

[B]

What are you getting ahead of?

[A]

Oh, what's chasing you?

[B]

What. What's keeping you up?

[A]

Why are you running so fast?

[B]

And why are you looping in the players? They're like, why do I have to. Oh, okay. Oh, he did that thing. Okay, we all gotta wear this. We all gotta.

[A]

Yeah, I guess it is our problem.

[B]

Okay. Okay. We gotta save the orcas because Terry Jones can't stop doing that thing. We all got to pretend to care about the turtles and the straws again. We can't really talk about the NFL without talking about Taylor Swift as swell. And next week, that's what we will be talking about. We'll be talking about Taylor Swift and I, we needed a new religion. We needed one. She's stepping in.

[A]

Solid foundation.

[B]

Solid foundation. Bright skies ahead. Bright skies ahead. We have a hot blonde in charge of our happiness now. We're gonna be okay. I got all kinds of thoughts on Taylor Swift. She is. She pretends to be as sad as I am, and I appreciate that. I appreciate someone who's like, I have a billion dollars, but I'm not gonna, like, rub it in your face.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna let you know, sometimes guys don't want to date me.

[A]

I can. I look at the Taylor Swift situation and I think, how could this go wrong?

[B]

Oh, dude, I love her. She's. I, I. Every time she gets negativity, she just leans into it. Like, you can get me with one. If you. When you let other people's, like, criticism of you shake you, that's when I'm like, oh, they're right. They must be right. Some. You know, they called her a snake. Like, that was. The whole thing was like, she's a snake. She's a snake. I don't remember what it was about. Some GG had to eat or something, and someone asked her about it on in an interview, and she just went, oh, well, snakes eat rats.

[A]

She's very sharp.

[B]

Bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye.

[A]

You're like, thank you for your time.

[B]

Also, I do realize now that I've done this whole thing, that's like, if you have a cause that you promote. What are you hiding? I do end the show with don't ride elephants every time. If the NFL does want to put that on their helmets, I wouldn't freak out. What am I hiding? Patience? I mean, the fact that I wrote elephants in Thailand or one. Well. And immediately wanted to. I just was like, I immediately want to puke. I realized it right when I got on the elephant. I was like, I'm rescuing this elephant by spending money at this sanctuary where I'm just gonna, like, ride it and we're gonna become friends. And I got on it.

[A]

I was like, oh, feels wrong.

[B]

I'm doing it out of guilt. Which proves my point. Anything these people are promoting, they're promoting because they are part of the. The thing that charity is trying to solve. Don't ride elephants. Don't fall for fools. Huh?

[A]

Get back.

[B]

Get back and get back. It's been so long. How have you been? Hello. I'm doing well, Dave. Why are you talking that way? Please say one for a compliment or two for a question. Yeah, this is weird. I think I'm gonna go. Talking with an automated phone tree can feel pretty ridiculous. That's why when you call Pacific Source Health Plans, you'll get a real person to answer all your important questions. Pacific Source Health Plans. This is a real person. How can I help you? Human service, not automated phone trees. Find a [e-mail].