MEL ROBBINS. Enough Said.

Summary

GOOD GUYS – MEL ROBBINS. Enough Said. Podcast: Good Guys (Dear Media) Air Date: January 5, 2026

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

This lively episode of Good Guys features hosts Josh Peck and Ben Soffer in conversation with bestselling author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins. The trio dives deep into key ideas from Mel’s latest book, The Let Them Theory, discussing personal growth, overcoming discouragement, the role of spirituality, and pragmatic approaches to changing one's mindset and habits. Blending humor, vulnerability, and practical advice, the episode is a toolkit for anyone looking to thrive, set boundaries, and take actionable steps towards improvement in 2026.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Overcoming Discouragement and the Desire to Thrive (02:15–06:24)

   • Mel underscores the mental and societal challenges faced by people dealing with weight or other setbacks, noting that effort often goes unseen.
   • She shares an insightful quote from Alice Walker: “The most common way people give up their power is by believing they don’t have any.” (06:24)

2. The Power of Mindset & Habitual Positivity (07:00–10:23)

   • Ben shares his shift from negativity to positivity, citing conscious effort and examples like weight loss and support from his wife (08:42).
   • Mel explains how training the mind to focus on what’s going well is a learnable skill, not innate, citing research about how our minds reinforce what we focus on.

3. The Neurological Case for Positivity & Manifesting (15:16–21:25)

   • Mel introduces Dr. Lisa Miller’s research on the universality of spirituality—how awe, connection, and gratitude boost well-being, regardless of religious setting.
   • She debunks the myth that manifesting is “woo-woo”, detailing its basis in neuroscience: “Manifesting is just a four-step process where you intentionally change the settings in your mind using four different centers of your brain...” (19:34)

4. The Reticular Activating System & “Red Car Phenomenon” (21:29–24:59)

   • Mel explains how the brain’s filtering system (“the RAS”) causes us to notice what we set as important—apply it to finding hearts in daily life or seeing opportunities. (Example: Noticing a sage green Toyota after thinking about one.)
   • “You can change the settings in your mind by getting very clear about what’s important... your brain is trying to help you see what you want to see.” (24:07)

5. The Let Them Theory: Boundaries, Control, and Acceptance (30:58–42:00)

   • Mel unpacks her Let Them Theory—letting go of the need to control others, focusing on self, and recognizing boundaries.
   • “The faster you give up control, the more control you gain. And the number one thing you will never be able to control is other people.” (31:13)
   • Discussion on helping vs. judging, especially regarding addiction, and the necessity for individuals to arrive at change on their own timelines.
   • Josh adds: “No one changes on a good day... your bottom is when you decide to stop digging.” (35:45)

6. Fixers, Gender Dynamics, and “Weaponizing Truth” (40:08–44:39)

   • Ben and Mel discuss the instinct to fix others’ problems, especially relevant in male-female relationships.
   • Mel offers a practical script: “Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice?” (41:13)
   • Josh comments: “Don’t weaponize the truth... if you’re not doing it in a loving way, you might be ineffective.” (41:47)

7. Let Them Theory Applied to Social Media and Modern Challenges (49:50–54:00)

   • Ben and Mel dissect the unique challenges posed by today’s always-on technology and social media, applying the Let Them Theory to the onslaught of negativity and the need for boundaries.
   • Mel: “Give yourself a little bit of grace because your brain is doing exactly what the platforms have designed it to do.” (51:45)

8. Actionable Advice: Changing Habits and Building Systems (54:16–65:40)

   • Mel urges moving away from willpower toward systems and environmental changes—suggests starting small, e.g., don’t pull out your phone while in line (54:59).
   • She explains: “If you’re addicted to cocaine, you wouldn’t sleep next to an eight ball... if you truly want to spend less time on your phone, make it easier to not reach for it.” (56:03)
   • Explains the importance of acting before motivation strikes and starting with difficult tasks early in the day to build momentum.

9. Start, Stop, Continue: Setting 2026 Up for Success (65:57–71:02)

   • Mel and her husband’s annual exercise: looking back at the year through “lows, highs, lessons”; then “what will I stop, start, and continue?” for the year ahead.
   • “The most important thing to understand about setting yourself up for success is... goals as directions—you need to know where you want to go and your starting point.” (66:59)

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• Mel Robbins (on discouragement):

  “If you don’t believe there’s anything you can do about it, or that you’ve tried so many times and failed, why bother? Then you won’t actually try.” (05:30)

• Alice Walker, quoted by Mel:

  “The most common way that people give up their power is by believing they don’t have any.” (06:24)

• Mel (on mind training):

  “Your brain is trying to help you see what you want to see.” (24:07)

• Josh Peck (on change and addiction):

  “No one changes on a good day. You have to hit a bottom... your bottom is when you decide to stop digging.” (35:45)

• Mel (on Let Them Theory):

  “Just let other people be who they are and who they’re not. And then let me focus on my thoughts and actions and the way I process my feelings so that I’m proud of myself.” (32:18)

• Mel (on habit change):

  “If you can get your ass out of bed on the mornings you don’t want to, instead of picking up the phone and doom scrolling... If you can get up on those mornings, you now have the skill you need in order to create anything over time.” (59:45)

• Mel (on goal setting):

  “What were the lows? What were the highs? What were the lessons? ...What am I going to stop, start, and continue?” (66:59)

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TIMESTAMPS FOR IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• 02:15 – Discussion of discouragement, hard work, and thriving
• 06:24 – Quote from Alice Walker and the power of belief
• 08:42 – Ben’s personal transformation and mental health shift
• 15:16 – Importance of spirituality, Dr. Lisa Miller’s research
• 19:34 – Manifesting, neuroscience, and creating change
• 21:29 – Heart-spotting & RAS “Red Car Phenomenon”
• 30:58 – Let Them Theory explained
• 35:45 – Addiction, boundaries, enabling, and bottoming out
• 41:13 – “Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice?”
• 49:50 – Applying Let Them Theory to social media and modern distractions
• 54:59 – Practical habit change: start with small shifts
• 59:45 – The myth of motivation and actionable change
• 65:57 – Start, Stop, Continue: practical New Year’s planning

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LISTENER TAKEAWAYS

• Focus on what you can control—namely, yourself and your reactions—rather than expending energy trying to change others.
• Begin each day with an intentional mindset ("Today's going to be a good day"), and your brain will help you spot opportunities, possibilities, and "the good" as you go.
• Accept that improvement is a process of action before motivation, and that systems/environment matter more than willpower alone.
• Do a year-in-review with six simple questions (lows, highs, lessons, stop, start, continue) to build awareness and effective, personalized goals for the new year.
• Boundaries, acceptance, and strategic withdrawal (“grey rocking”) are vital skills for dealing with challenging relationships.
• Apply self-compassion when struggling with technology or habits—the pull is designed into our world, not a failing of willpower alone.

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For the full “Start, Stop, Continue” workbook: melrobbins.com/bestyear

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LISTENER-FRIENDLY SUMMARY

If you haven’t listened, this is a fast-moving, funny, and deeply helpful episode—full of real-changing tools, candid stories, and a warmth that makes tough lessons feel possible. Whether you’re setting 2026 goals, trying to support someone you love, or just tired of your phone running your life, Mel Robbins and the Good Guys have something actionable for you.

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a dear media production.

[B]

Two Jews, both big and tall. No subject too small for the Good Guys. A mother's dream premium podcast team. Make it your weekly routine. It's a Good Guys.

[C]

And if you don't give us five stars.

[B]

What are you nuts?

[C]

What are you nuts? Yeah, we're the good guys.

[B]

They're not the great guys. We're just the good of good of the good guys. Maza morons. Welcome back to the Good Guys podcast. We are here with best selling author, a mother to all of us, the great Mel Robbins. An honor in honor, Josh, to have.

[C]

You see this book.

[B]

Do you see this is.

[C]

I don't even know what color green this is. This is the perfect green. The let them theory. Mel Robbins, we're here with. You said. I don't know what to call myself. The queen. Is that. Is that a good way to describe yourself?

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay. No, no.

[A]

I don't even. I don't know how to describe myself. I definitely would not use mother to all of us because my children do not list. I don't want, like, I've got three children. That's plenty.

[C]

Okay. Okay. Well, we're so excited to have you.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Big fans.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

We're live in studio. Josh is calling in God, Josh, I wish you were here. I need you. I feel like we're getting to a deep therapy session. And me and Josh, we just. We get really deep.

[A]

So hopefully you're each other.

[C]

Seven years. Seven years. And it's funny, both grew up in New York. Like, different upbringings, but similar enough that just. I don't know, we have like, just. We're just very, very similar. And the deeper we get, the more. The more similar we find. Yeah. Chubby boys, both obese youth. That is the.

[B]

That's our band, the Obese Youth.

[C]

It's our punk band. That.

[B]

That's hard.

[C]

Were you ever an obese youth?

[A]

Was I an obese youth? Yeah. I had periods of my life where I was basically a twinkie on legs. Yes. Got it, got it.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. See, that's. That's why we can relate to you.

[A]

That's why, you know, there you go.

[C]

People who have never been fat, they just don't get it.

[A]

No, they don't.

[C]

They don't get. I don't think that they see the world the same way as people who have been pushing 300 pounds and having to walk around in a society that really just never accepted that.

[A]

You know, I don't. I also don't think that you realize that of all of your friends, the hardest working person who is working the hardest on their health is actually your friend who is overweight. Yeah. Because they think about it all the time. They feel discouraged all the time. They live in a world where, you know, there's messaging reinforced at you, there's discrimination against you. And, you know, I think a lot about the fact that it's easy to judge someone else and that most of us really want to thrive. And if you are living in a body where you know that you're not as healthy as you would like to be, but you feel discouraged about your ability to get there, you are working on it mentally all the time because you're thinking about it. Same thing with kids in school. The hardest working kid in a classroom is the one who's failing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how hard it is to sit in a classroom and know that you're not doing well?

[B]

Yeah, I, I, Mel, I'm dying to ask, because I heard you say that on, on Dax Shepard's podcast, and I was thinking, I'm like, no, you know what? The ones getting all A is working pretty fricking hard. Is it different kind of work? Do you mean, like, it's more mental stress to be failing? Because I always found those kids who, like, are getting all A's, it's not easy. They're just doing the work.

[A]

Well, it's not necessarily that they're just doing the work. For some kids, it comes very easily. And if you look at the research, it was surprising to me. We had Professor Angela Duckworth on the show, and she's this professor at Wharton and the University of Pennsylvania that wrote all that book about grit, and it's this big TED talk where she studied grit. And what is it that separates those people that are high performers and they can really stick to something? And she came in and said, there are four things. And the first one, I was like, what? The first characteristic of somebody who has willpower, discipline, and grit is they like the thing they're doing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I was like, okay, bury the lead.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I do think that people that are really great at school, they either have tremendous pressure that they're putting on themselves to get great grades, or they like it and they're good at it. So they just naturally put in the hours to do it. But the piece, you know, to answer your question, is I choose to believe that people want to thrive. I choose to believe that people do want to do well and that if somebody's not doing well, that there are skills that are missing, or they are so beaten down and discouraged that they are telling themselves, I'm not good at this. There's nothing I can do. It doesn't matter, I don't care. But underneath it all, if you could and if you believed you could, you would want to be the students that's the best. You would want to feel healthy in your body. You would want to have great relationships, that deep down we all have that desire. And if it's not happening for you, there are two main things. One is discouragement, this deep belief that there's nothing you can do about it. And if you don't believe there's anything you can do about it, or that you've tried so many times and failed, why bother? Then you won't actually try. And the second thing that can be in your way is just the skills that you need. And of course, there's larger forces at work. There are people that are born into unfair and discriminatory circumstances. There's bias in the world. There's a lot of these things that hold people back. But I do believe that through your attitude and your efforts, you can make anything about your life better over time. Not overnight, but over time. There's this incredible quote that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's from Alice Walker, the Pulitzer prize winning writer. She said the most common way that people give up their power is by believing they don't have any.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that quote is so important to really consider because there are things that are happening to you that are unfair. There are very real obstacles in people's way. There's reasons that are gonna make you stressed out and overwhelmed right now. And in fact, I think if you're overwhelmed right now in today's world, that's a mentally healthy response to what's happening.

[C]

You know, they focus on them too, though. Like, Josh and I talk about this all the time. I'm definitely. I'm a very positive person. I wasn't like this always. I'm definitely a manifestor. Okay, so again, I wasn't like this always.

[A]

Can I ask you a question?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So can we unpack?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

The things that you've noticed about being the kind of person who wasn't like this always and being kind of negative and self defeating or however it was that you were.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Versus.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

The. The decision to be a positive person. Do you see what I mean?

[C]

I do. And I think it's a. It's. It's a conscious effort in the beginning to focus on what is amazing. And slowly but surely you see that you are focused. The more you're focused on what is wrong in your life, the more things go wrong in your life. And it's a very strange. I don't know if it's karmic, I don't know what it is. But I will see people in my life that are actively depressed or feeling that they are beaten down by the world that, like, there is a laundry list of, this went wrong today, this went wrong today, this went wrong today. And I will notice that those same things went wrong today to me, too. I just focused on all of the things that also went right today. And Josh and I actually think it's very healthy. Our main segment is called what do you Nuts? Where we spend basically our lives making fun of just the trials and tribulations of life, the inconveniences of, of being on an airplane or that shitty thing that happened to us. It is in our DNA to create levity around that. But I do. I'm definitely a very positive person. And since being that way, my life is significant.

[A]

Was there something that happened that made you go, I'm so sick of myself that I need to change my attitude?

[C]

I think that I'm very publicly on GLP1s. I take Zap Bound. I've lost 60 pounds over the last three years.

[A]

Congratulations. That's amazing.

[C]

I do think that a shift in weight loss helped me mentally. I. I'm trying to think. My wife definitely, like, always keeps me very positive. She's. She's great. I don't know, Josh. I. I don't know why I'm asking you either. I would have to dig deeper, but I don't know what that shift was. I. I just know that today is significantly better than five years ago.

[A]

I love that. Yeah, I love that. And I love that you're talking about the decision to make it a habit to look for what's going right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have learned so much about this from the world renowned experts on my podcast that I can explain to you and I can cite the research for what's actually happening, because I do believe there are two people, two types of people in the world. There are people who wake up today and for no particular reason, they focus on what's going bad. They're in a bad mood. They feel that everything is against them. And then there are people that wake up today that have trained themselves to actively spot what's going well and to be in a good mood for no particular reason. And it's a skill that Anybody can learn and there's a lot of incredible research and super smart people out there that have explained at least on my podcast and in their work on lots of other ways that they express it. The way that your mind is wired to adjust in real time and it's constantly taking cues from you and reinforcing what it thinks is important to you.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

And after Bedtime is the podcast where we stop pretending we've got it all figured out and start telling the truth about parenting.

[C]

This show goes way beyond tantrum tips. We're talking about identity shifts, breaking cycles, screaming into a pillow, healing the parts of you that parenting cracked wide open.

[A]

So come as you are, you're not too much, you're not alone and you're already enough.

[B]

New episodes of After Bedtime every Wednesday.

[C]

And how do you think religion plays a role? I'm a very spiritual person. I definitely wake up every day thankful to I'm Jewish, my God is Hashem. I thank like I have a seven month old baby. I wake up very happy and thankful for the life that I have. Like how much do you think religion plays a role in that? Like if you're grateful to a higher power for what's going on in your day to day life. If you have a maybe that doesn't have to be a higher power. I guess it could be your mom or Something. But how much do you think that plays a role?

[A]

Well, I think it plays a huge role. And I can answer that question based on two things. Right. So I can answer it based on my own experience as a deeply spiritual person. And I also can explain it based on research from this extraordinary woman that you should have on the show. Her name is. What is her name? Dr. Lisa from Columbia. Will you look up her name? She is Miller. Okay. Okay. You have got to talk to this woman. She is so freaking cool.

[C]

Dr. Lisa Miller?

[A]

Yes. Dr. Lisa Miller at Columbia University. She has a PhD in psychology, and she runs the. It's like the spiritual psychology program at Columbia. And check this out. She does all this research on spirituality, religion, and neuroscience and psychology. And they. I love her premise. Her premise is basically, it's not a question of whether or not you are spiritual, because human beings are wired for spirituality. And spirituality is the belief that there is something bigger out there and the understanding that it is important. And they have studied the brain and spiritual experiences, everything from being in a temple, in a religious experience where you're really in awe of something that's happening, to being outside in nature, to somebody speaking in tongues, to having an orgasm, to psychedelic experiences. And if you look at the brain, when somebody's having a spiritual experience, you can't tell whether it's in a religious setting or a nature setting or you're present for the birth of a child. Like these moments of awe where the parts of your brain activate that suppress your feelings of yourself and that connect you to something larger than you in your physical body. Religion can be a very important construct for people to experience that which is universal in all of us. And so I believe that spirituality is not only part of our innate wiring, but that when you start to recognize that life isn't just about you, that there are things that matter, that are so deep and important, that are larger than the bills you have to pay and the headlines that are scaring you or the, you know, things that your aging parents are dealing with, that it can become a grounding point to make you understand that what's happening in this moment isn't going to define your whole life, that there is something larger at play that you can tap into. And that when you do, the research is very clear that people feel less depressed, they feel less anxious, they have a greater sense of hope, they find more meaning in their life. And there are lots of ways. And she's so cool and has, you know, very, very interesting research that explains ways to bring this into your Life. And I think one of the things that we're seeing right now, or at least I think about this a lot, is when we were all growing up, life was a lot different.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And people were more connected to their communities and they had a place that they went to once a week to really center themselves and think about larger themes. And there wasn't so much pressure and the cost of living wasn't as high. I mean, they'd done the research. Being a 20 year old right now is very different than it was just even six years ago.

[B]

But if you watch like Ken Burns has this amazing 12 part revolutionary war documentary that just came out and what.

[A]

He says is, I haven't watched it.

[B]

History doesn't repeat itself. Human nature repeats itself. And while this version of tough that we're in now, which completely agree with you, that has these challenges that we didn't have to deal with 50 years ago, 100 years ago, but there were just their own versions of challenge then. The human experience has never been easy in any version. And sort of like our challenge or the puzzle that's given to all of us at birth is like for the time in which you've been born, in which you hit the birth lottery, can you figure it the fuck out?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. It's interesting because I think you can.

[A]

Yeah, I think you can. And you know, to go back to this thing about like one, one thing that you can decide to do today and it's gonna sound so stupid. This comes from both Dr. Daniel Amen, who is one of the world's leading experts on the brain. He's got clinics around the world. He scanned 200,000 brains. This also comes from the late Dr. Jim Doty from Stanford. He's a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist who is a self proclaimed atheist who also happened to be the chairman of the Dalai Lama foundation, who spent a lot of his time writing books and talking about the brain, neuroscience and manifesting. And manifesting is just a four step process where you intentionally change the settings in your mind using four different centers of your brain intentionally to program it to help you. That's what manifesting is. And there's hard science. It's not woo woo. It works. And it works because you're training your mind to help you spot opportunities and patterns and things that are out in the world right now. That if you wake up every day and you're like, my life sucks, I'm never gonna get. And I've been in that place, I've been in that place where it. Like, it's too late. I fucked everything up. I'm fucked. I hate my fucking husband. I'm never gonna get out of debt. I've blown my career. I can never show my face in public again. And I was wrong. I was wrong. And you can change your life. You can change the settings in your mind, but this one tip is so dumb. But it works. Wake up today, tomorrow, whenever you're hearing this, and just say, today's gonna be a good day. Yeah, something good is gonna happen today. And even if you go to a funeral and so it's a sucky day.

[C]

There was a great spread.

[B]

Well, it could be that nice Shiva after, right?

[C]

Fantastic.

[A]

I'm going to talk about somebody I care about. I'm going to show up, and that's a good thing. And I'm going to make today a good day. And when you say that first thing in the morning, Dr. Daniel Amen basically says you're activating the spotlight, part of your brain that goes, oh, okay, we're going to make today a good day. So now I'm gonna scan for something good. And there's another trick that you can use to prove that this is true. Today, as you go about your day, I want you to just pay attention. And here's the assignment. I need you to just see if you can spot one heart shape somewhere. It might be a stain in the concrete in the parking lot. It might be the shape of a leaf. It might be a weird pattern in brick. I want you to just say to your brain, I'm gonna find a heart somewhere today.

[B]

Like a hidden Mickey. Hidden Mickey at Disneyland.

[A]

Yeah. Well, what you're doing is you're. You're going to like your brain. It's called the. It's the. I call it. It's the ras. It's like the reticular activating system. And you can also call this the red Acura spotter. Red Acura spotter. Why? Yeah, because. Have you ever shopped for a car?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, so my husband is shopping for a new pickup truck.

[B]

Yeah, the red car phenomenon.

[A]

Yes, the red car phenomenon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yesterday he said, I went and drove like the Toyota, blah, blah, blah, and there was a sage green color. I swear to God, 10 minutes later in Manhattan, the sage green pickup truck drove by.

[B]

But let me ask Mel. Cause you're doing well. Was it really a Toyota or was it a sage green Bentley?

[A]

Yes, it was a sage green Toyota pickup truck that had like the. It had like the rsv. Yeah. Pro thing. And it had like, ooh, the TRD Pro.

[B]

That's a nice truck. The TRD Pro, Mel.

[C]

It's a cool car, dude.

[A]

I saw that thing, and so I'm like, geez, there it is. So let me. Do you guys know how that why that happened?

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay, well, here's why that happened. So your brain, it has this, like.

[C]

But I assume it's the same with seeing, like, today's gonna be a good day, and then you only see good things.

[A]

Correct. But here, well, you'll see some bad things, but now you'll see at least one good thing. But here's the Toyota phenomenon. So you have this filter in your brain that, I think about it like a giant hairnet of neurons. And its entire job is to filter everything coming at you, and it blocks 99.999% of everything out because you cannot process the 73 cars that pass you in one block in Manhattan. And so your brain is actively blocking it out from reaching your conscious part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex. And so when Chris said to me, hey, I just test drove the sage green Toyota. And he was all excited. And I'm excited for him. My filter, just like the algorithm on social media, is like, oh, they're interested in sage green Toyotas. That's important. Let's change the filter. So if one drives by, we're gonna let it pass the bouncer in your brain and you're gonna notice it. Now, if that had happened three days ago, I wouldn't have seen the damn thing because I'm not thinking about it. But you can change the settings in your mind by getting very clear about what's important. And the more you even activate your senses, like excitement, it gives it more weight. And then your brain is trying to help you see what you want to see.

[C]

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[B]

Gonna say, you know, I'm a sober guy, and I've been in. In 12 steps for 17 years. And we had this OG, this guy Bubba, who would come in 70 years old, pretty sure he brought a gun to the meeting, but he was like an old cowboy from Porter Ranch from California. And he used to say, every morning I wake up, I sit in my hot tub. I say to myself, somebody's going to have a good day today. It might as well be me. If you walk around with your head up your ass, a good life's going to pass you by. And it was like those kind of. It seems similar to what you're saying in Bubba Speak affirmation. And then he would be like, I love my wife Cynthia. And we'd be like, bubba, we're drunks. We're not interested in Cynthia. But, like, yeah, I totally. It was one thing I wanted to ask you to Mel, and I'm not speaking in hyperbole here. Like, I. I'm going to give your. You and your book a massive compliment, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Is like, you guys were talking about religion before, right? And how the Bible can be a great access point to morality and spirituality and good thinking in certain cases. And, like, I'm a sober guy. And so in 1935, this book of alcoholics Anonymous is written, right? And it's, it's helped millions of people. And when you look at it, there are no new ancient truths. Like so much of what you're sharing, Mel, I found, you know, is I've seen in religion, I've seen in, in this, in 12 step in recovery. The genius was the miracle, in my opinion was the packaging is that it could relate and be inviting to someone like me, that these two guys wrote it in a way where I was like, that's me. And I say the same thing about your book, is that the miracle is the packaging is that you took these age old ancient truths, these things that over time we know help us navigate the social contract. And you said, I'm going to make this accessible for a new generation, a new crowd. Would you agree?

[A]

100%. And thank you for seeing that. See, the rules about life and relationship have been the same since the beginning of time. The let them theory is something that I created and I've written this book to build a case for a modern tool which is four words. Let them and let me. That help you apply stoicism, Buddhism, the serenity prayer, the things that you wrote about in the book, the things that your grandmother used to say at the kitchen table, the stuff that you've heard in temple. One of the reasons why this book has exploded is first of all, other people are super annoying. They're your number one source of stress and the let them theory alleviates it. Because when you learn to just say let them, when somebody's frustrating you or hurting you or upsetting you or bothering you, you're applying stoicism, which is the faster you give up control, the more control you gain. And the number one thing that you will never be able to control is other people. What they do, what they think, what they believe, whether or not they heal, whether or not they get sober, whether or not they change, whether or not they do what you want them to do. And every ounce of energy you spend trying to control other people or change them or wishing or judging them for when they don't is time that you're wasting is frustration that you're feeling. And there's an easier way to live your life. There's a more peaceful way to be. Just let other people be who they are and who they're not. And then let me focus on my thoughts and actions and the way I process my feelings so that I'm proud of myself. That's it. That's it.

[C]

And that's not to say that you can't help people. Right.

[A]

You can still do it. You should help people. I think.

[C]

But I'm saying if you see somebody, for example, who you think is an alcoholic.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And you want to help them, I'd ask the same question to you, Josh. You want to help them. You think that they should get sober.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

There are ways in which you still allow them to be themselves. Don't judge them. Accept them for who they are while helping them.

[A]

Yes. Well, I think Josh is the expert, because Josh has gone through this dynamic. No, I'm not kidding. In his life. What I can tell you is wanting someone in your life to get sober or to be motivated or to make more money to do anything.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Dating these fucking idiots.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That's a beautiful thing to want somebody to be happy. It's a beautiful thing to want somebody to be healthy. That is not the problem. The problem is if you're anything like me and you get worried about people or you're a know it all, you cross a line.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And the help and the worry that you want to. The worry that you have and the help you want to provide turns into judgment, and you don't want it to be that way.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But a person only gets sober when they're ready to get sober for themselves. A person only changes when they're ready to. To change for themselves. They're not gonna change for you. They're not gonna change for their kids. People will only heal when they're ready to heal. And it's not gonna be on your timeline. And the last thing anybody who's struggling needs is your judgment. And so it's a tricky line. And one of the things about the let them theory that is so awesome is that it's both universal and deeply personal. And so should you provide support. I personally morally think you should. But you get to choose whether or not you're providing support. You get to choose whether or not you're gonna hold an intervention or you're gonna pay for rehab for the first time or the second time or the third time. You get to choose if you're gonna take a step back because you love the person so much and you realize you're part of the dynamic. Because what happens is we all have this fundamental need to feel in control of ourselves. You've probably felt this around your weight your whole life. People like acting like a know it all. As if you don't know that you need to take a walk and eat less and go see a doctor. Like, thanks. Like, asshole. Like, I know. And so when somebody Steps in out of love or concern, and they kind of judge you. And you can feel it. Immediately your need to be in control of yourself is triggered. And the natural human neurological reaction is to resist everything people are telling you to do. Because it's the only way you can hold on to controlling yourself and changing when you're goddamn good and ready.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so the question isn't do you offer support? The question is, how do you do it in a way that's the most effective way, based on research, to influence and create the conditions for someone else to choose to change for themselves while you offer that support? Does that make sense, Josh? And I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

[B]

No, I think you make a great point and I think I love what you said, creating conditions. Because in my experience, and I can only speak to my experience is that. And you talk a lot about this, Mel. It's like no one changes on a good day. No one changes on a good day. And that you have to hit a bottom to whatever version of your bottom is like your bottom is when you decide to stop digging. Right. And I've had friends who were, you know, in the depths of addiction and their, their wives, their spouses have called me and asked me for some kind of. Of advice. And their version of, of love and support is to. If you could love addiction away from like, I had a great, I had a great sort of sage older guy who would always say, you're here because of your mother's prayers. And I don't doubt it, but she couldn't love it away when I was in the depths of my addiction because she's got a lot of love to give. And even that wasn't enough. And I would respectfully say to these spouses, these wives who would call me, I'd say at some point you are going to have to draw a boundary and you are going to have to protect yourself and walk away. And I know that your version of love and support is non stop love, love them right to the end. And I'm like, the thing that might present the most loving act you can do is say, I'm not going to engage in this anymore because you're. It's too toxic to be around. And that might help them get closer to their bottom where they're really willing to make a change. Because as my friend says, you can tell an alcoholic something, but you can't tell them much. So, yeah, I think sometimes you have to help people hit a bottom.

[A]

Well, you know, and here's here's the thing that the let them theory will do. The let them theory is a tool that you use every day, all day, to help you understand, especially in these very challenging moments, what is in your control and what is not in your control. And when you say let them, you're not allowing someone to hit rock bottom. You're forcing yourself to recognize the truth of the situation that you're in, that I can't control this person. I can put as much love and hope and prayers into this, but ultimately I have to let them have the dignity of their own experience. I have to let them be who they are and who they're not. And they might not be ready to deal with this or they might not be able to. And then I've got to do the second part. Once I recognize I'm in a situation where there's so much out of my control and I gotta just say, let them, to remind myself I can't control another person as much as I would love to, because I think this will help them. And now I take a step back and go, well, let me focus on what I can control. I can focus on what I think about this. And I think I love this person. And I think that they're killing themselves. And I also think they're not ready yet. And I can control what I do and don't do, and I can do the things I've always been doing or I can do something different. I can pour more time and energy into this or not. I can walk away or not. I can seek help or not. But the one thing I know I can't do is I can't force this. I can tell them that, hey, the second you're ready, I'm here. I'm going to stop bringing this up. I'm going to stop pressuring you. I can see that you're not ready. And I'm here. The second you are wanting to do something, I am here. Have you thought about what you might want to do? And then I have to, like, let me focus on my emotions. This is really challenging. Like, and I love what you said about you can't love somebody and to be sober. Because the hardest applications of the let them theory, and probably the most powerful, are with people in your life that are really challenging. Every single one of us has a family member whom we love dearly. And they're extremely challenging. Whether they have an addiction or they're emotionally immature, or they have a ton of crap from their past that they've never dealt with, or they have a narcissistic personality style. And most people don't want to cut other people out of their lives. They just wish there was less bullshit and tension and like toxic dynamics.

[C]

Or you're a fixer, which is a tough position to be in.

[A]

Well, most fixers, by the way, are fixers because when you were a little kid, you were having to make sure everybody was okay because the adults around you were not emotionally stable.

[C]

It's funny, I have the complete opposite. I have the greatest parents. Greatest parents. My default is, you come to me with a problem, I will fix it.

[A]

Now that's not a default. That's a. That is a value. That is a skill. Dude, that's awesome.

[C]

But it's only if it's well received. Josh and I talk about this all the time. I think it's the difference between men and women. My wife comes to me and she has a problem and she doesn't want me to solve it. And it takes a very self aware person to understand, okay, you want a trauma dump. You don't want a solution which is almost more effective than the solution that I was going to give you. You're going to tell me, here's what's wrong with my day. This went wrong. Oh, great. We're going to fire this person. We're going to hire this person. I'm going to solve your problem in one minute.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You don't want that answer. Well, by the way, you want me to say, I hear you.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I'm so sorry you had a terrible day.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Let me distract you.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You know.

[A]

Yes. Well, here's a. Here's a sentence you should steal.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Because this is the dynamic between every mother, daughter.

[C]

But it's hard because as a fixer.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You. You see so clearly the solution to the problem that you're being met with. And the. It almost feels like a unnecessary step to delay the inevitable of just fixing it.

[A]

But. But venting to you is fixing it because she's not necessarily. It's not about work. No. It's about the emotions.

[C]

Selfish of me to try and fix it sometimes. Do you get what I'm saying, Josh?

[B]

100%. And I think it's also like I've heard someone say to me once, don't weaponize the truth.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Because sometimes I felt like that with friends and stuff where I'd just be like, I'm just telling them what other people aren't willing to say. Right. And people would Say if you're not, just because it's the truth and you are saying something factually true, if you're not doing it in a loving way, you're weaponizing it and it's not kind, and you might be actually rendering yourself ineffective because they don't feel like you're coming at them in a loving way. But I. I heard someone say Mel the other day. I didn't think I was manipulative because I'm nice about it. And again, I've. Like, we were talking about, if you look at it on paper and you didn't have any other information, one person walks away and one person is just loving and supportive and stays to the bitter end, you look at that and go, oh, the person who walked away is cold and callous. But in reality, when talking about addiction, when talking about things that are unchangeable that you have no control over, like, I've wanted to say to those people, like, no, you not walking away is about you. Like, it's your need to love this person to death or that it's just you. You know, whatever things were installed as a kid where you. You can't draw that healthy boundary. Like, it becomes more about you. So I think what Ben is saying, which I relate to, is like honoring and recognizing what Claudia needs, what your spouse needs, instead of saying, but my instinct is to do this thing that I know is so good, and trust me, you're gonna love, love, love it. I try to do it to my wife all the time, and she's like, no, Josh, honor what I need and give it to me.

[C]

I think it's a male, female thing. I see it all the time.

[A]

Or mother, daughter, big time.

[C]

Okay. Or mother daughter.

[A]

I think this is a human thing because I think we could all get better at asking for what we need by saying, I had a horrible day at work. Can I vent you for a little bit? And I just need you to listen.

[C]

Wouldn't that be amazing?

[A]

Oh, my God, it would be amazing.

[C]

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[A]

You know, one of the things I wanted to go back to with what you said because I thought it was really interesting and I want to hear more about it, which is this dynamic where our refusal to see and accept people exactly as they are and as they're not creates judgment and creates problems. Because we're living in a fantasy of what we wish were happening versus accepting the reality of what's right in front of us and changing our response to it. And that's why it's not easy to implement the let them theory of very challenging personalities. Because what it does is it forces you potentially for the first time to recognize that certain members of your family, they're not changing. And these people have always been this way. And when you say let them, you're forcing yourself to recognize the reality of who somebody is. Their positives, their negatives, their limitations, their, you know, possibilities. But then instead of thinking they need to change in order for this dynamic to shift, you realize, wait a minute, the power's always been here. I need to change. Because if I change my energy, if I change how much time I put into this, if I go in with eyes wide open, knowing this person's very narcissistic. So when they start doing that thing they always do, I'm just not going to take the bait. Yeah, I'm just going to do what the experts tell you to do, which is gray rock, which is be very uninteresting, change the topic, walk out of the room and you're not the target anymore. You just changed and that changed the dynamic. And you did it through acceptance versus wishing somebody would change. And you know, I loved what you said too about you can't love somebody into being. Well, if you have somebody in your family who is mentally ill, know about of love is gonna change it. Yeah, accept who they are. And then you getting strategic about your boundaries and learning how to if you want to create room for them to be in your life. But with eyes wide open, that's what shifts things because you're not mourning the fantasy. You're learning how to adapt to the reality. I mean, maybe it's a Midwesterner in me. I'm just very pragmatic and I'm shocked that it took me 54 years of doing it the exact opposite way to really figure out the simple truths about life and other people. I mean, Chris and I have been married for 30 years. I feel like we're in a second marriage. Not because he changed, but because I did.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think it's so easy to be distracted. You said earlier that it's never been harder to be a 20 year old. Josh then promptly said it is. It's never been easier to be a 20 year old. If you compare it to other crimes, illnesses, medicines.

[B]

I'm saying there's always been a version of a challenge for the time in which you've been alive.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[C]

So I completely agree. I think that what's unique about today is if you just turned off your phone and let less things in. It actually factually has never been easier than today because of everything around us. As a 20 year old, it's very. It might be the hardest because right now you're not having this let them theory, which I think is genius, is not one on one anymore. This is one on more people than you should have ever met in your lifetime. More information that you ever should have been exposed to, more drama, more sadness, more. Because if you spend your entire day on your phone and you're on the wrong side of an algorithm and you're being hit minute after minute with catastrophe after catastrophe after catastrophe, and you're a fixer and you want to go and solve the world's problems, you're fucked. So I don't know how you apply the let them theory to social media and 20 year olds that are addicted to their phones, but that is what makes today they're caught in their own mind.

[B]

Or 39 year old.

[C]

And they can just take a step back.

[B]

Sure, I do. I do. Scroll.

[C]

You said 20. Yeah, you said 20, so I picked 20. But in general, I think it's never been harder to be a human being if you're addicted to your phone and your dopamine runs off of negative news.

[A]

Fair.

[C]

So what do you do?

[A]

Well, I think it's the same thing with being addicted to anything. It's first of all like you're not changing. People are addicted to it because it feels good.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

And it also is designed in a predatory way to keep you on it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so give yourself a little bit of grace because your brain is doing exactly what the platforms have designed it to do. You are a rat in a maze and admitting to yourself that you're caught in this trap, like millions and millions and millions of people around the world are like, everyone will tell you they wish they spent less time on their phone. Everyone will tell you that they feel way better if they put it down, or they have a week where they don't have access to it. The research is very, very, very clear on this. The problem is the regulation. And I do believe that these things are important because otherwise everything becomes predatory. It's absurd that we've allowed this to happen when we have all of the research. It's absurd that phones are allowed in school. It's absurd. And we have the power to change it. We do. And so I feel, though, despite all the negativity, despite the headlines, despite the amount of time people waste, brain rotting on their phone, I'm still extremely optimistic. Because if you look at it in the big picture, oftentimes you need to have the thing that you really value taken away from you for you to recognize that it was important in the first place. And I hate that that is part of the human experience. But maybe what's happening, and I believe that this is true, is people are getting so sick and tired of the way that things are or their own habits on the phone that they're starting to wake up, they're starting to come out of the lull of the doom scroll. Like at any moment you decide that you want to change your life, you can. Any moment you say, I waste too much time on my phone. I don't want to spend this much. You can figure out how to do it. I have incredible boundaries with my phone because it's never on my body. That's one rule, that there are two ways to change how you interact with people. Here's the first one. Olivia, take my phone whenever.

[B]

Take my phone, Olivia.

[C]

You can't. Josh, you're a man and a husband, which is another thing that we need to talk about. I think. I think women can do this. I don't think men can do this.

[A]

That is absolutely not true. That's complete bullshit. The research is clear. The further physically something is away from you, the less likely you'll use it.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

This is basic research around habits and systems and environment. And so for me, here's the first thing I want you to know is that we can make the changes that you want easier. So instead of relying on willpower, let's rely on systems let's rely on hacks, let's rely on science, and let's figure out how to make the changes that you want easier. Let's just start there. And so one thing I want you to notice is you're just gonna try this today. The next time you're standing in a line, whether you're waiting for the subway or you're standing at the grocery store or you're waiting for your burrito to get made, I want you to practice not pulling your phone out. Yes, it is so painful.

[C]

Oh my God, is it painful?

[A]

The longest three minutes of your entire life and it will wake your ass up to just how subconscious and reflexive and addictive it is.

[C]

I only fully notice how addicted I am to my phone. Once a year, Yom Kippur, I fast and I shut my phone. It's a 25 hour period. And let me tell you, for the first four hours, I am grabbing to check my phone. When it's off. Yeah, I'm grabbing my phone, I'm looking at it. Oh, it's off. Ten minutes later, grab and look. Oh, it's off. It takes me a full four hours to realize that there's nothing that I can check. My phone is off.

[A]

It's so one of the pieces of research that really struck me is that they did this thing where like the three of us are talking and we're all wired up so they can look at brain activity. And we're really like connected and present. And the researcher walks over and like kind of interrupts what we're doing and talks for a minute and then puts their phone, their phone, not one of ours, their phone face down on the table. And then we go back to the questions are brain wiring and the regions that we are using shift. Interesting. All three of us are now distracted by and focused on the phone. Even though we're having a conversation, that's how powerful of a presence it is. And so here's the thing. I want you to understand that that little stand in line thing is just a way for you to start to, to build this pause in this space and become aware. The second thing is we're going to talk about how do we make it easier? And we're going to use common sense. If you're addicted to cocaine, you would not sleep next to an eight ball. Yeah, you wouldn't. If you're trying to get sober, it's smart not to have beer in your refrigerator. And so thinking about how you can set up your environment if you truly want to spend less time on your phone to make it easier to not reach for it. You can come up with all kinds of things. Like, for me, if I'm at work, it's at my desk, plugged in. It's never on my body. My team will tell you I'm constantly. Does anyone know where my phone is? Because it's not on me. And because it's not on me, I now don't reach for it.

[C]

It's so silly. I need a landline. That's what I'm missing, a landline. I can't not have my phone next to me just in case my mom needs me. In case. In case.

[A]

Hold on, hold on.

[C]

I need a landline.

[A]

No, hold on. Here's what you tell your family. If you need me, call me.

[C]

Yeah, and then what? The phone's on ringer and you'll hear it.

[A]

Yes. Nobody calls you unless they need you.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

All the texts that come in all day long, they are not emergencies. But we've allowed other people's shit to become our priority.

[C]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

I start every text with a 91 1, though. I like to give every text with an SOS help. You know, I want your attention. You know, I'm at Chipotle, which we get.

[A]

I'm bored right now, so I'm just wondering what you're doing and I expect you to respond. And when you don't. Now I'm offended.

[C]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

It's so stupid. Like you don't. You don't value your time and attention. And until you actually. Until you create this pause with your phone and you recognize this, you won't realize how you have just pimped out your own brain. The stupid shit.

[B]

What else is. I'm dying to know. This is going to be our first interview, Mel of 2026. Like, huh? I. When I got. When I got sober, I remember you came in and you had a couple days sober and. And people would talk about having low self esteem and. And the guys for some time would be like, well, then do esteemable acts, right? And then everyone would come in spiritually bankrupt and morally crushed. And then the guys would be like, we're not talking about all that. Go clean the coffee pot. That's it. That's your job. Go stack the chairs. We're not going to go so deep into the depths of despair and about all, everything that happened, like, here's something actionable. Boom. I promise you'll feel better for like 8 seconds having scrub the hell out of that coffee pot. Like, what else is Actionable. Because what I see sometimes, or the trap can be, is like, we have such access to so many new books and self help and all these things, and people become affirmation machines. I'm like, you're a walking bumper sticker, my G. Or I even like, I'll see people say, let them. And I'll be like, honey, you just drink half a box of wine and screamed at the gardener. You're not letting them. Like, you are not honoring Ms. Robbins. Like, I'm like, so what's actionable that people can really do? I love that you talk about that. That can, you know, help. Help start that path in 2026.

[A]

Well, I appreciate what you just said because information just makes you smart. You can know exactly what you need to do. The secret in life is learning how to make yourself do things that are hard, that are stressful, that are anxiety provoking. And that's the skill. It's not knowledge, it's doing the damn thing. And I love the example that you gave about the coffee. Because the reason why people drink is because they feel shame. So going over all the shit that you feel ashamed about, unless you're making amends with the person you did it to is useless. It's just making you go into a deeper hole. And you want to start to act like the type of person you want to be in the future. But here's the trick. You have to do it while you're still the sad sack loser that's depressed and anxious and has bills you can't pay. And you have to ask yourself. And so I don't want to dismiss how hard it is to change your life because it's grueling, it's boring, it takes a long time. There is no just metal for getting out of bed on a day when you don't feel like it. But that's the skill. If you can get your ass out of bed on the mornings when you don't want to, instead of picking up the phone and doom scrolling for an hour and rotting in your bed and then going back to sleep. If you can get up on those mornings, you now have the skill that you need in order to create anything over time. Because motivation is garbage. No one's going to come and do anything for you. If you want your life to change, it's your responsibility to change it. And the mistake I made for years is I thought that at some point motivation would hit. At some point the confidence would come. The truth is, you act first, then you feel motivated. You act first, then the Confidence builds, you act first. Then you start to feel a little better about yourself. Not because you're thinking, thinking about exercising, but because you see that you did it. And here's a little trick from Dr. K. He's a Harvard trained psychiatrist that specializes in gaming addictions. I learned more about motivation from this guy. I mean, holy cow, your brain is wired naturally to just avoid doing anything that's hard. That's how your brain is wired. We are, we are wired to move naturally towards what feels easy. So knowing that, here's his trick. Let's say that you're not going to drink today. Or let's say you're gonna go and exercise today. Both things you don't feel like doing. Both things that feel hard. Way easier to sit on the couch, way easier to grab the beer. You're going to say to yourself, I know that it sucks to exercise. I know that this is very hard and I'm gonna just do it anyway. Yeah, and when you say that out loud, I know that you want a drink right now. I know that this is hard. And we are not going to drink today. We're gonna grab the other thing today. We're gonna drink the water, we're gonna have the iced tea. That's what we're doing. And I know it's hard. You are telling your brain, I got it, I got it. You're doing your job. You're trying to make me do the easy thing, but we're gonna do the hard thing. And almost instantaneously, that resistance that you feel internally starts to lower as you move towards the gym. You are now doing something that's hard. And there's a lot of research. This is super cool. There's a lot of research that because you've been wasting so much dopamine doing the easy shit, grabbing the phone, eating that terrible food, you are draining all of those reserves on the stuff. That's so dumb. First thing in the morning, you don't have any left. If you can do a hard thing first thing in the morning, whether that's get out of bed on the days you don't feel like it, or get your butt out the door for a 10 minute walk even though it's raining, doing it first thing builds more and kind of creates this momentum. And you know that, you know, like if you ever hang out with a friend that's like super annoying and motivated and they're like, come on, get up at 6 o', clock, we're going for the. You're like, oh my God, can we Just like have a cup of Josh. Yes, exactly. But did you, but how do you feel after he makes you go do that thing?

[C]

No, he's right. Josh, like, he's in a great workout routine. He's. Look at him. I mean, he can see his arms from here. They're popping out of his shirt.

[B]

I didn't wear the right shirt for that.

[C]

And we, we constantly talk about it. I just like when I'm in the groove and I'm working out great, I am out of the groove.

[A]

So I got it.

[B]

No.

[C]

So I need to wake up and I need to acknowledge the fact that it is hard and nobody wants to do it. Yeah.

[A]

And I'm doing it.

[C]

He doesn't want to do it. You don't want to do it. But I'm doing it anyway.

[A]

So the night before, pick out your exercise clothes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Lay them on the floor of your closet.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That way when you walk into your closet or you walk up to your closet, you're like, shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you don't have to wrestle with. Do I feel like getting my gym clothes on or should I just stand? No, they're right there. Okay. I'm, I'm pulling them on. I made it easier. If you're going to do a workout, one of the things that kills me is if I have not pre planned a workout, this is how susceptible I am to failing. Like, if I'm traveling and I'm going to a hotel gym, if I walk into the gym first thing in the morning and I'm looking around, I will walk right back out. Cause I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. If I check into a hotel, I go to the gym first with my normal clothes on. I walk around what's here, what time do I have tomorrow morning? And I pre plan the thing I'm doing, I am ten times more successful because I have removed one of the decisions and I've made it easier to wake up. There's my dumb clothes on the floor. Pull them on. There's my water bottle. I filled it up last night. Oh, I'm going to the gym. And I know that I'm just going to do that 30, 12, 30 thing on the treadmill because I already checked it out. And so that's a way that you can work with yourself instead of constantly having to muster up willpower, make it easier, set up the environment so that you can take away the decisions that normally derail you.

[C]

So before we get to our marquee segment, what do you not? It's 2026. We all want to have a great year. We want it to be our best year yet. You mentioned that you and your husband have something that you do before the new year that leads us properly into the new year. So what can everybody do?

[A]

I love this.

[C]

This year.

[A]

We've been doing this since 2004. We do this every year. And anytime I go through a major life change, I'll do this in the middle of the year. It's six questions based on research. And the most important thing to understand about setting yourself up for success is I want you to think about goals as if you're just creating a set of directions. Okay? And in order to create directions for where you want to go, mathematically speaking, you have to have two data points. Yes, you need to know where you want to go, but you also need to know your starting point, because let's say I'm coming to your house and I call you. I'm like, oh, my God, I know. I can't find you. Can you help me? What are you gonna ask me?

[C]

Where are you?

[A]

Boom. So what most people do as a mistake at the end of every year is they're like, fuck, this year. I just want a clean slate. Let's get healthy. Let's do this. But you don't actually have where you are. So you're gonna ask yourself six questions, and the first three help you understand what happened this year. Because who you are right now is very different than last year. Different amount of time, different lessons, different learnings. So the three questions are this. What were the lows? What were the highs? What were the lessons? And the way that you answer these questions is not from memory. Pull out your camera, roll on your phone or social media and your calendar, and I want you to sit down and go all the way back 12 months. And I want you to go through all your photos. You'll be shocked at how much happened this year. You forgot so much stuff, and you need that data to understand where you are right now. So what are the lows? Write them all down. What were the highs you're gonna see? Like, oh, God, like, I saw my friend's water. Maybe you didn't. Maybe that was a low. Oh, shit. Dad's getting old. That's a low. Oh, like, I was really sick because I didn't take care of. Like, you're gonna see all this stuff, and then once you do the lows and the highs with all your photos, you go, well, what are the lessons? And you have so much wisdom to extract from this Year I worked too much, I wasn't ambitious enough, I didn't see my friends enough. Wow. I was, I was the only pictures where I'm smiling, I'm outside. Interesting data point. So now that we know the lows, the highs, the wisdom, we know where you are now, we can look forward. And to look forward, we're going to use a planning exercise that every major executive team in the top companies in the world use as a business planning tool. It is dead simple, it's super accurate, and it's called stop, Start, continue. That's it. This year and the next 12 months, what am I going to stop doing? And you now know the answer because you just extracted data from the last 12 months. What am I going to start doing? And my recommendation is pick one main thing. Because another way that we screw ourselves over is you pick 15 things and then you do not focus on anything. Just pick one thing that you're going to start doing this year based on everything you learned last year. And because you're now standing in reality, if this is a year where your dad is dying, what you're going to start doing is very different than that year that everybody's healthy.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Right, yeah. And so you're making these goals based on where you are. And I want you to pick one thing. What are you going to start doing? And now here's the thing everybody forgets. What are you going to continue doing? You did so many amazing things this year. Please make part of your plan in the next 12 months a reminder of the things that are working and to not forget those things and not take your eye off the ball. And so that is the six questions. It is shocking how it helps you. And then back to the original thing we talked about. Remember the sage green Toyota? By sitting down and going through this exercise, you are signaling to your mind what is important. And you are actively changing the settings in your brain and the way your mind filters the world to get the red car effect so that your mind starts to spot opportunities for you to move towards those things. Isn't that cool?

[C]

Yeah. Start, stop, continue. Yeah, everybody should do that.

[A]

Everybody should do it.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

And if you don't mind, you can cut this out. We do a podcast episode every year and as a thank you to our global audience, we give you a 20 page workbook for free.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

If you go to melrobbins.combestyear you can download it.

[C]

Why would we cut that out? It's amazing.

[A]

It's a free machine.

[C]

By the way, I was gonna Say we haven't even gotten to plugging the book.

[A]

Well, you don't need to buy the book, literally. Just use let them and let me. If it works and you wanna go deeper, buy the book for your family. Cause it will bring you together.

[C]

You're gonna buy the book and they're gonna get the free 20 pages and it's fantastic.

[A]

Take advantage of it. I mean, why wouldn't you? Because there's a podcast episode that goes with it where I go deep in the research around each question and how to think about what you're seeing in your camera roll. And then I do the exercise alongside with you.

[C]

Start, stop, continue.

[A]

Don't you love that? It's so simple.

[C]

I love it. So easy.

[A]

What are you, nuts?

[C]

Okay, perfect. What are you nuts? Is people.

[A]

Oh, I know this.

[C]

People, places and things. Gripes of humanity. What's going on? What's wrong? I will go first. I was recently at a Knicks game and I saw a couple in front of me, probably mid-50s, filming the walk up intro of the Knicks. Everybody's cheering, they come out, they're filming. They're filming the screen. They're going back, they're filming each other. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, if you're sitting where they're sitting. This isn't their first basketball game, okay? They're not in section 400. They're sitting two rows from the court. And this is a. What are you nuts? Now this is the equivalent. Sorry to be such a pessimist. Of the person who's filming fireworks on the 4th of July. You are never going to go into your phone and watch this video. I think it's completely nuts. Put down your phone and just watch the intro. Just watch the fireworks. Just enjoy time with your husband, with your wife. You are never going to watch it. What are you nuts? Stop filming things that are completely inconsequential.

[A]

That's a good one. I think that's a good one.

[C]

Do you have one? Josh, you want to go?

[A]

I do.

[C]

Okay, you go.

[A]

Yes. Okay. So we got this nomination for the Golden Globes.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I've never been on a red carpet in my life. I live in Vermont. I'm smart enough to know that I can't wear Birkenstocks and Carhartts to this thing, by the way. You can, but I. Yesterday, while I was here in New York, I had two hours and so I went to a couple super fancy stores and first of all, I had a massive crying meltdown that brought me back to prom. Shopping with My daughters at the Natick Mall in Nordstrom's where they couldn't find a dress and were having a panic attack. And I felt like that person. But what are you nuts? The people and what they were wearing in these crazy expensive like couture high end stores. You're in Uggs and ripped tight sweatpants and your hair is like hanging down like a nest and you are wearing a crop top and your belly's hanging out at a place where the handbags are five. What are you nuts? Did you look in the mirror so good that you're walking into a place like this that has a red rope? Do you have no self respect for anybody?

[C]

No.

[A]

That you left the house like this and now you're parading around a store where people are wearing gloves like, you know, little nice velvet, like what are you nuts?

[C]

Belly shirts or what do you. Nuts in general. Completely agree, Josh. What's yours?

[B]

My woody nuts is. The other day I was at the gym. My beloved Equinox, which I love, love, love, but they can't control all the members. And this is a true. Let them experience. There was a man in the locker room and I was letting him. He was blow drying his undercarriage. That's right, Mel. He had a foot up.

[A]

He was.

[B]

He had a foot up on.

[A]

That's a great idea.

[B]

Getting the new nooks and crannies of himself.

[C]

Oh my God. It was.

[B]

I was like. A little moisture never hurt anyone. Stop it.

[C]

Especially if it's hot.

[A]

Hold on a second. Can we talk about this? So what are you nuts? In public, yes. But that's a good idea because I wonder if part of the stank comes from watching yourself and it's the moisture and if you haven't trimmed and it rubbing against your pipe pants and your underwear and I think that's actually a good idea to do in public. She really.

[B]

She really walks the walk. She lives what she. She preaches.

[C]

I love it. I love.

[A]

I might have to try this.

[C]

I'm sure. Let me know how it works.

[A]

I might feel really good actually. Like, why have I not thought of this before?

[C]

You keep us posted. You keep us posted.

[A]

I won't send a video, but I will keep you posted. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me.

[C]

The.

[A]

I don't want to see that. I just want to do it. It sounds really good.

[C]

The great Mel Robbins. The let them theory. Where can we buy the book?

[A]

Anywhere.

[C]

Anywhere.

[A]

Just buy it for your family. You're so sick of your family, turn them over to me.

[C]

Okay, I'll take care of them Book is available everywhere. Get the free 20 pages melrobbins.com Folks, this episode's been five stars. Otherwise, what are you, nuts?

[A]

What are you nuts?

[C]

Listen to us wherever you at your podcast.

[A]

You know what I loved about you guys? Like, I was like bracing for just slapstick and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I really love how honest and important what you shared is.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

No, I really do. Like, I'm really, I think, like, I really think that some of the things that you guys talked about are really going to help the person listening and it'll help them with somebody in their life that may be struggling with something if they're not the one who is. And so I really just appreciated where this went because I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Well, that's.

[C]

That's the outro. Listen to more of this. This is a good thing. This is a good thing.

[B]

Never nominated podcast.

[C]

No, not yet.

[A]

Not yet.

[C]

And what you got to do is watch more episodes. They're available everywhere you get your podcast. Watch us on YouTube, share our clips. Instagram and Tick Tock Mondays and Thursdays, folks. We will see you next time. Thank you, Mel.

[B]

Thanks, Mel.

[A]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Awesome. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.