Good Life Project Podcast

Episode: “Harness the Power of Deep Listening to Transform Your Relationships”

Guest: Emily Kasriel
Host: Jonathan Fields
Release Date: October 2, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features Emily Kasriel, award-winning journalist, former BBC executive, and author of Deep Listening. Host Jonathan Fields explores with Emily the modern crisis in genuine human connection and the transformative potential of practicing deep listening. Together, they discuss why meaningful connection is so elusive today, the dramatic impact of devices and distractions, and Emily’s eight-step framework for cultivating deeper relationships in all areas of life—from family to the workplace to divided societies.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why We Struggle to Listen Today

• Superficial Connection: People often “perform” listening rather than genuinely engage. As Emily puts it:
  “We are preloading our verbal gun with ammunition, ready to fire with our own ideas…”
  (Emily, 04:18)
• Distraction & Tech: The mere presence of a turned-off phone erodes attention and connection.
  (Jonathan, 07:54; Emily, 08:26)
• Hurried Lives: Our focus on efficiency means we jump to solutions or comfort, missing the chance to make someone feel heard.
• Good Intentions, Bad Outcomes: Emily illustrates how even well-meaning attempts to cheer up or solve problems can leave people feeling dismissed or unseen.

The Relationship Cost of Shallow Listening

• Loneliness Amidst Proximity: Increasing disconnection, even when surrounded by others, leading to isolation and fractured relationships.
• Polarization: Emily highlights how an inability or fear to listen across divides deepens social and familial fractures, noting,
  “It feels to people almost as if they listen to people who think on the other side they will be contaminated with these ideas... as if it is immoral to let the light of attention and actually listen to these views…”
  (Emily, 13:21)
• The Role of In- and Out-groups: Group belonging often overrides curiosity about “the other,” reinforcing beliefs and suppressing nuance.
  (Emily, 20:38)

The Impact of Deep Listening

• Research in Conflict & Division: Emily describes leading a project with 1,000 people in 100 countries where deep listening practices measurably increased safety, understanding, and openness to changing one’s views—even on highly polarizing topics.
  • “We found that people felt safer to express themselves... and became more open to re-examine their own attitudes.”
    (Emily, 10:12)
• Real Human Encounters: Deep listening moves interactions from “I-it” (seeing others as objects) to “I-thou” (mutual, transformative connection).
  (Emily, referencing Martin Buber, 13:21)
• Allowing Complexity: Both hosts discuss how we tend to flatten others into caricatures and how deep listening welcomes nuance and evolution—“we’re all in the process of becoming.”
  (Emily, referencing Carl Rogers, 25:21)

The Eight Steps of Deep Listening

Emily outlines her 8-step framework for cultivating deep, transformative listening:

1. Create the Space

   • Physically and psychologically safe spaces matter—lighting, positioning (side-by-side is often better), and removing distractions.
   • “Think about what is safe for the other person… Teenagers, great in the car, side by side, without a kind of compulsion to talk…”
     (Emily, 28:10)

2. Listen to Yourself First

   • Examine your motivations, emotional state, and “shadows” from past experiences.
   • “What's really going on here? What's most important in this conversation?”
     (Emily, 28:35; Jonathan, 32:30)
   • Be aware of internal baggage—sometimes working through it with a professional is essential.

3. Be Present

   • Practice mindfulness; calibrate away from distractions and unhelpful agendas.
   • Drawing from First Nation Canadian traditions—“not just listening by themselves, all their ancestors are listening with them.”
     (Emily, 37:03)

4. Bring Genuine Curiosity

   • Approach with the assumption that you do not know everything about the other.
   • “If you listen to the other person looking out for something that might surprise you... these little devices help shift you from storing up your ammunition…”
     (Emily, 39:57)

5. Gaze with Warmth (But Don’t Stare Down)

   • Eye contact matters, but an empathetic, non-confrontational gaze is key; sitting at about a 60-degree angle can be ideal.
   • “It’s a warm-hearted, empathetic, open gaze which allows the person to then go on all sorts of journeys, knowing you’re there, waiting…”
     (Emily, 45:02)
   • Walking side by side can encourage vulnerability and openness.

6. Hold the Silence

   • Strategic, companionable pauses invite depth and reflection. Silence is often more uncomfortable for listeners than for speakers.
   • “If we can have a warm, empathetic, companionable silence, that is very, very powerful.”
     (Emily, 49:23)
   • Silence in negotiations leads to more creative, win-win solutions.

7. Reflect Back Genuinely

   • Don't just parrot words—try to capture unspoken feelings, values, and what’s not being said.
   • “Step seven is really using the whole of you to intuit what you think is really going on for the other person…”
     (Emily, 52:26)
   • Label tension or discomfort when you feel it in the room.

8. Listen with the Third Ear (Empathic Intuition)

   • Integrate your awareness, intuition, and heart to sense the deeper story and needs the speaker may not articulate.
   • Inspired by Theodore Reich and the notion that the “third ear” sits close to the heart.
     (Emily, 54:59)

Practicing & Sustaining Deep Listening

• Start Small: Practice with safe, comfortable relationships first; not every interaction needs “deep listening,” but prioritizing it in the moments that matter transforms relationships.
• Self-Reflection: Emily recommends regularly reviewing conversations for what worked and what could be tuned.
• Belief in Growth: “If we believe we can get better, we’re more likely to get better.”
  (Emily, 55:43)
• Healing & Connection: She shares heartfelt stories about using deep listening with her elderly mother and a stranger in a pharmacy, showcasing how even fleeting encounters can become profound.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “We often are doing [interruption] because of all the pressures that we feel on time, on being efficient at work… Actually, the research evidence is that men often are more likely to come up with solutions when they listen—often solutions which don’t really take into account what the speaker has shared.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 04:18

• “We found that people felt safer to express themselves and genuinely understood... They became more open to reexamine their own attitudes.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 10:12

• “It feels to people as if they listen to people who think on the other side, they will be contaminated with these ideas…as if it is immoral to let the light of attention actually listen to these views…”
  —Emily Kasriel, 13:21

• “We don’t have one identity, yet we often put one label on the other person…We evolve. Carl Rogers wrote about the fact that we’re all in the process of becoming. Even your partner is not the same person as last year, last week, or even last night.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 25:21

• “The whole of you listening to the whole of them.”
  —Emily Kasriel, describing deep listening, 26:49

• “Tone of voice is far more important than facial expression…content of words are the most important thing.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 47:13

• “Silence gives you the space to establish trust and the speaker’s mind to evolve into new domains and new possibilities, which is so exciting.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 49:23

• “If we can be alive to those occasional encounters…they only take minutes or even less, but they can allow people to feel truly heard. And I think that’s so impactful.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 61:24

• “To live a good life: Be open to deepening the connections with people you care about the most, but also to people who are strangers…especially when you think differently.”
  —Emily Kasriel, 61:47

Important Timestamps

• 04:18 – Performing listening, interruption, and gender differences in problem-solving.
• 06:58 – Research on phone distraction and perceived lack of listening.
• 10:12 – The BBC/British Council project validating deep listening’s impact.
• 13:21 – Polarization, “I-it” vs. “I-thou,” and reclaiming humanity.
• 20:38 – Group belonging, in-group/out-group dynamics, and projection.
• 26:49 – Emily introduces her eight-step deep listening framework.
• 28:10–35:27 – Steps 1 & 2 (creating safety and self-listening) in detail, including practical anecdotes.
• 37:03 – The importance of presence and indigenous wisdom.
• 39:57 – Cultivating genuine curiosity, even in adversarial conversations.
• 45:02 – The role of gaze and posture, use of side-by-side conversations.
• 47:13 – Walking conversations and why tone of voice dominates over facial cues.
• 49:23 – Power of silence (with research on negotiations).
• 52:26 – Reflecting back with depth and attunement.
• 54:59 – Using your "third ear" for empathic listening.
• 55:43 – Awareness can be developed, start small and reflect.
• 58:51 – Emily's real-life application with her mother.
• 61:24 – Deep listening with strangers, daily encounters.

Takeaways & Practical Wisdom

• Even in chaotic or divided times, meaningful connections can be built or rebuilt through intentional listening.
• The gift of undivided, non-judgmental attention is rare—and can be transformative in even the briefest of moments.
• Deep listening is a skill for a lifetime, drawing on awareness, curiosity, presence, and compassion.
• Start where you can: with loved ones, with strangers, in low-stakes situations—every effort builds capacity.
• Giving someone space to be seen and heard often doesn’t require answers or solutions—just attention and presence.

Further Exploration

• Emily Kasriel’s book: Deep Listening
• Recommended follow-up: Good Life Project’s episode with Krista Tippett on the art of deep conversation

Reviewed and summarized by Good Life Project Podcast Summarizer