Good Life Project
Episode: How to Lessen Suffering: A Powerful New Take
Host: Jonathan Fields
Guest: Dr. Suzanne Song (psychiatrist, humanitarian researcher, author of Why We Suffer and How We Heal)
Date: January 22, 2026
Episode Overview
In this profound conversation, host Jonathan Fields sits down with Dr. Suzanne Song, a Harvard and Stanford-trained psychiatrist and anthropologist, to explore a new paradigm for understanding and lessening human suffering. Drawing on her clinical and humanitarian experience across the globe, Dr. Song reframes suffering not as a personal failure, but as an inescapable—and surmountable—part of the human condition. The discussion unpacks why embracing instability, revisiting our personal narratives, engaging in ritual, and finding purpose are keys to genuine healing, especially in times of pain and disruption.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
The Nature of Pain and Suffering
- Pain vs. Suffering:
Fields opens with the widely-circulated Murakami quote, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Dr. Song affirms the core notion—pain cannot be avoided, but resistance to instability often deepens suffering:"The question is not, will we experience something really hard… The question is, will we have the skills to adapt and find ease and grace and mastery among them and not lose ourselves?"
— Dr. Suzanne Song [03:56]
The Obsession with Stability
- Dr. Song reflects on her global experiences, from working with trauma survivors to everyday grief, emphasizing our cultural fixation on stability:
"We have this obsession with stability... when bad things happen or when hard things happen, it’s rare. And so we don’t quite know what to do."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [05:24]
The Compounding Effect of Resistance
- Suffering often arises not purely from adverse events, but from the internal stories and frantic efforts to restore stability, which can amplify distress:
"...pouring ourselves into then chasing after something we can never have... deepens and compounds the suffering."
— Jonathan Fields [07:05] "Our suffering is not due to the event itself all the times. Oftentimes our suffering is more due to the stories that we tell ourselves about the event."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [07:57]
Personal Narrative as a Source of Both Pain and Healing
- Dr. Song shares a striking personal example:
Her work in Burundi triggered memories of her father's murder during her youth, leading her to recognize a lifelong, unconscious attempt to "repair" unhealed wounds:"...until you put those things together and develop a coherent narrative, it's very hard for us to understand what's actually driving our lives..."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [11:14] - Fields highlights the power of such insight to break longstanding cycles of suffering.
The Three-Part Model: Narrative, Ritual, Purpose
1. Narrative
- Our stories shape our experiences of pain and our capacity for healing:
"The stories we tell really become the lives we live."
— Jonathan Fields [14:41] - Song invites listeners to examine feelings like resentment as clues to uncovering non-conscious identity scripts:
"...when I hear people say they’re resentful... it signals that they’ve put someone else’s needs before their own."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [17:28] - She encourages regular rewriting of one’s identity scripts, embracing change as growth.
2. Ritual
- Rituals—both personal and communal—are highlighted as "emotional scaffolding" that ground us during instability and foster a sense of belonging.
"Rituals essentially are symbolic actions… that can bridge us to community, to feeling connected to other people."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [33:49] - Song shares the example of a former child soldier in Sierra Leone who, after a community ritual of acceptance, was able to regain belonging and wholeness—illustrating healing beyond talk therapy:
"...healing is not individual. It is a team sport. We have evolved to co-regulate with others."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [36:42] - Personal daily rituals (like journaling small moments of inspiration, love, and joy) can serve as grounding practices accessible to all.
"Rituals don’t have to be a big deal. They can be small, everyday things."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [39:41]
3. Purpose
- Purpose is distinguished from goals—it’s about resonance (alignment of values, actions, beliefs) and a sense of mattering to others.
"If narratives give us understanding, rituals give us movement, purpose gives us direction."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [44:11] - Mattering is a basic human need:
"We have this deep desire to matter, but we don’t actually know how."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [46:45] - Song shares a moving story of a Haitian teen who, after losing his entire family, devoted himself to teaching orphaned peers—finding his own healing in being needed by others [48:01].
The Neuroscience of Memory & Story
- Dr. Song explains that memory is malleable, constantly edited by mood and context, not a static "filing cabinet." This interconnection means our stories—and suffering—are always being revised:
"Every time we have a memory... we are actually changing it and adapting based on who our audience is and what the context is around us."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [23:13] - Unresolved or forgotten memories can silently guide our choices, trapping us in cycles until brought to conscious awareness.
Breaking Cycles of Suffering
- Song introduces a "narrative map" exercise: charting life events and associated emotions to reveal feeling-patterns and enable new choices.
"The hard part is then feeling, taking away the power of that feeling. Once we sit with a feeling, it takes the power away..."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [30:13] - Fields underscores the challenge—many will "do anything not to feel the feeling"—but insists that only by allowing ourselves to fully feel can we loosen suffering’s grip.
"...you're both breaking the cycle and rewiring the way that the feeling itself basically controls you..."
— Jonathan Fields [33:08]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
“Healing is not individual. It is a team sport.”
— Dr. Suzanne Song [36:42] -
"Our narratives and our stories should be changing. We should be writing, rewriting our stories constantly throughout our life because that's growth."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [18:56] -
"If narratives give us understanding, rituals give us movement, purpose gives us direction."
— Dr. Suzanne Song [44:11] -
“We heal in community, in belonging, in relationships...it's really underlying the narratives, rituals and purpose.”
— Dr. Suzanne Song [48:01] -
“Maybe it's one person” whose acknowledgment truly matters.
— Jonathan Fields [52:55] -
“To live a good life is to feel equipped and empowered, to embrace the instabilities with a sense of groundedness where we don't lose yourself within life's turmoils. And for me personally... responsibility is a privilege.”
— Dr. Suzanne Song [55:15]
Key Segment Timestamps
- [03:56] – Pain vs. suffering: instability and adaptation
- [07:57] – The stories we tell about pain
- [11:14] – Dr. Song’s personal story: trauma, memory, and the drive to heal
- [13:06] – Narratives, rituals, and purpose: a cross-cultural model of healing
- [17:28] – Identity scripts, resentment, and rewriting life stories
- [22:43] – The neuroscience of memory and story edits
- [30:13] – Narrative mapping and feeling the feelings to break cycles
- [33:49] – The function and need for rituals in everyday life
- [36:42] – communal healing and the Sierra Leone child soldier case
- [44:11] – Defining purpose and the resonance test
- [46:45] – The need to matter and real-life example from Haiti
- [53:07] – Who do you want to be known by? Reflection on true connection
- [54:01] – First invitation for those struggling right now: embrace instability, find grounding in narrative, ritual, and purpose
- [55:15] – What it means to live a good life
Final Thoughts & Invitation
Dr. Song affirms that suffering is natural, not a personal failure, and that the pursuit of “fixing” ourselves can blind us to the healing power already at hand. By gently re-examining our stories, embracing vulnerability through feeling, integrating ritual, and orienting toward resonance and mattering in our relationships, genuine transformation and ease become possible—even in life’s hardest moments. The takeaway:
"It's okay to pause for a bit and embrace the instability that's there. We don't do that in some abstract way... Find one person to connect deeply with, that's already a lot." — Dr. Suzanne Song [54:01]
Summary prepared for Good Life Project listeners and anyone seeking a practical, compassionate path toward lessening suffering and deepening meaning.