Podcast Summary:

Good Life Project
Episode: Why Love Gets Uncomfortable & How That’s Not a Failure | Susan Piver [Best Of]
Host: Jonathan Fields
Guest: Susan Piver
Date: February 16, 2026

Overview

In this episode, Jonathan Fields sits down with Susan Piver, longtime Buddhist practitioner, meditation teacher, and author of The Four Noble Truths of Love. Together, they explore why discomfort is a natural, even essential, part of deep love, and how embracing rather than avoiding relational discomfort can actually pave the way for greater intimacy. Drawing on Buddhist wisdom and practical experience, Susan shares how the Four Noble Truths can be adapted to understand and navigate romantic partnership, challenging cultural myths about love, happiness, and stability.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Realities of Love: Discomfort Isn’t Failure

• Discomfort is Inevitable: Long-term love is humbling; what starts as effortless often becomes confusing or painful over time. Many people assume this is a sign of failure, but Susan reframes discomfort as a path to deeper intimacy.
  • Quote (Susan, 05:45): "Why is it actually the hardest to love the person that you love?"
• Love’s Uncomfortable Phases: Even in the happiest marriages or partnerships, couples can go through extended periods of distance, irritation, or conflict—sometimes about trivial things.
  • Memorable Moment (Susan, 06:51): "We fought about everything. And once we even fought about what time it was."

2. Translating Ancient Wisdom Into Modern Love

• Susan's approach bridges practical, lived challenges in modern relationships with Buddhist teachings, which are often seen as abstract or monastic.
  • Quote (Susan, 03:58): "It's not just like, how do you transcend to another realm... It's how do you live your life on planet Earth as a human being with a completely open heart, a totally sharp mind, and a great and vast willingness to be of benefit to others?"

3. The Four Noble Truths—Refashioned for Relationships

(10:19–19:04)
Susan connects the fundamental Buddhist teachings, the Four Noble Truths, to love:

• First Noble Truth: Life is suffering (everything changes)—Nothing is truly stable or permanent, including relationships; attempts to create unchanging safety are inevitably painful.
• Second Noble Truth: The cause of suffering is grasping—Trying to hold on and resist change causes pain, not the changes themselves.
  • Quote (Susan, 13:36): "People mistake, I believe, grasping for caring or loving... Non-attachment means not attached to keeping things the way they were or preventing them from becoming what they will."
• Third Noble Truth: The cessation of suffering is possible—Letting go of grasping brings relief, though it's difficult in close relationships.
• Fourth Noble Truth: There’s a path (the Eightfold Path) out of suffering—Doing the inner and relational work can transform suffering.

4. Applying the Noble Truths to Love

(19:04–46:54)
Susan outlines her adaptation:

• Truth: Relationships are uncomfortable.

  • Insight (Susan, 19:04): No matter the stage—new love, long-term partnerships, even dating—discomfort is always present.
  • Jonathan’s Reflection (20:15): He reads a passage from Susan's book about how self-talk and self-worth affect relationships: The way we treat ourselves will come to shape how we treat our partner.

• Cause: Thinking relationships should be comfortable creates deeper discomfort.

  • We often conflate love with the pursuit of safety, stability, or the fantasy of “finding the one”. But a relationship’s aliveness is found in its unpredictability and impermanence.
  • Memorable Moment (Susan, 31:36): “They never stabilize. I thought... we’ll work [the kinks] out and then at some point it’s going to be fine. And at some point it is fine... until it is not.”

• Cure: Meet discomfort together as a path to intimacy.

  • The alternative to blame is “shoulder to shoulder” facing the difficulties together, using every challenge as a way to create deep companionship.
  • Quote (Susan, 47:31): “If a great partner in my mind is not someone who will blame you or take blame or, but one who will sort of stop looking at you and turn... shoulder to shoulder and you look at the problem and you meet it together.”

• Path: A threefold practice: Precision (good manners, truth telling), Openness (seeing your partner as equally important), and Letting Go (releasing attachment to outcomes, cultivating ongoing intimacy).

  • Quote (Susan, 53:30): “Good manners are profound. It’s not just, do I use this fork or not? It’s am I actually thinking of you and what you are experiencing and how I might be kind to you?”

5. Self-Relationship Shapes Couple-Relationship

(22:39–27:42)

• The “space” between people in a relationship naturally shrinks over time, meaning the kindness or cruelty we show ourselves eventually shapes how we interact with our partner.
  • Jonathan (24:40): “If you’re torturing yourself... that starts to translate into [how you treat] them... Then how could that not be toxic?”
• Self-Compassion is Key: Inner gentleness, not self-aggrandizement, is the foundation for relational generosity.

6. The Danger of “Romantic Materialism”

(33:08–38:14)

• Susan coins “romantic materialism” as the idea that finding “the one” cures suffering or guarantees fulfillment—mirroring consumerist approaches to happiness and spirituality.
  • Quote (Susan, 34:26): “The lord of romantic materialism... says, if you can only find the one... you will be liberated from suffering... That is [a] materialistic view of relationships.”
• Chasing the Fantasy: She cautions against the belief that relationships should always deliver passion or security, and instead encourages committing to the real, changing nature of love.

7. Love Affair vs. Relationship

(42:16–46:54)

• The initial “fire” of falling in love (with all its instability and passion) differs from the sustained, container-like quality of long-term partnership.
  • Quote (Susan, 43:10): “This thing is really hard. It keeps changing. Let me just be in it. That’s like the best relationship advice possible.”

8. Practicing Change in Relationship—Not Preaching

(55:40–59:21)

• Jonathan asks how Susan brought these truths into her marriage. Susan’s answer: She didn’t preach or demand participation. Instead, she simply embodied the teachings, letting her actions and changed presence create the atmosphere.
  • Quote (Susan, 56:46): “You cannot bullshit them with Dharma notions. You have to be those things... The way you show up has much more impact... than any charts and graphs.”

9. The Ultimate Aim: Intimacy, Not Perfection

• “Romance” comes and goes, but “intimacy has no end.” Commitment isn’t to perfect love or perpetual passion, but to continually deepening intimacy, moment by moment, over a lifetime.
  • Quote (Susan, 54:47): “You can’t commit to romance. You can’t commit to any feeling, but you can commit to deepening intimacy.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Discomfort:
  “Relationships are uncomfortable, period.” (Susan Piver, 19:04)
• On Self-Treatment:
  “You begin to treat your beloved the way you treat your own mind. The kindness or unkindness you extend towards them is a reflection of the way you treat yourself.” (Susan, 21:01)
• On Non-Attachment:
  “Non-attachment means just going on the ride completely as a total human being without holding back. It's the opposite of constantly chill.” (Susan, 16:01)
• On Growth:
  “If a relationship is alive, it will change. Trying to get it to stabilize—let’s make it perfect and then hold—is what creates the discomfort. The discomfort's not the problem. Thinking it should be comfortable is.” (Susan, 32:40)
• On Meeting Discomfort Together:
  “A great partner is not someone who will blame you or take blame, but one who will put shoulder to shoulder and look at the problem with you.” (Susan, 47:31)
• On Commitment:
  “You can't commit to romance. You can't commit to any feeling. But you can commit to deepening intimacy.” (Susan, 54:47)
• On Living a Good Life:
  “To live a good life is to be unafraid. To be as brilliant and luminous and ridiculous and loving as you actually really are. No shame.” (Susan, 59:46)

Key Segment Timestamps

• [03:31] – Bridging Wisdom and Practicality
• [05:13] – Why Is Love Hardest With Those Closest?
• [09:58] – The Four Noble Truths Explained
• [13:03] – The Challenge of Non-Attachment in Love
• [19:04] – The Four Noble Truths as Applied to Love
• [22:39] – Self-Talk and Relationship Dynamics
• [31:36] – “Relationships Never Stabilize”
• [34:26] – Romantic Materialism
• [42:16] – The Difference Between Love Affair and Relationship
• [47:31] – Meeting Discomfort Together
• [53:30] – Threefold Relationship Path: Good Manners, Openness, Letting Go
• [55:40] – Embodying Teachings, Not Preaching
• [59:46] – What It Means to Live a Good Life

Summary Tone & Language

The episode is deeply warm, inviting, and grounded. Both Jonathan and Susan speak candidly and personally, musing and laughing together about the delights, confusions, and fears of long-term love, while always returning to a foundation of practical wisdom and hope. The language is direct, insightful, and laced with gentle humor, making even profound ideas feel accessible and actionable.

For Listeners Who Haven’t Heard the Episode

This conversation is essential listening for anyone in a relationship—romantic or otherwise—seeking a more realistic, compassionate, and resilient approach to love. Susan Piver’s adaptation of the Four Noble Truths encourages embracing emotional discomfort not as a sign of brokenness, but as a doorway to deeper connection and understanding. Jonathan’s reflections and Susan’s steadfast honesty blend ancient wisdom with everyday realities, offering a path to greater intimacy rooted in self-kindness, presence, and shared vulnerability.