What Is the Difference Between Forgiveness and Letting Go?

Summary

Grace in Focus Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title: What Is the Difference Between Forgiveness and Letting Go?
Hosts: Bob Wilkin and Ken Yates
Date: May 27, 2025
Duration: 13 minutes
Podcast: Grace in Focus (Grace Evangelical Society)

---

Overview

This episode tackles a nuanced and much-debated issue in Christian life: the distinction between "forgiveness" and "letting go." Hosts Bob Wilkin and Ken Yates respond to a practical question from a listener named Hal, exploring biblical definitions, implications for relationships, and emotional health. They also reflect on personal stories and scriptural wisdom related to bitterness, reconciliation, and how to handle unresolved pain—especially when the offending party is unrepentant or deceased.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Forgiveness vs. Letting Go

• Forgiveness Requires Repentance and Restoration
  • Bob asserts that forgiveness inherently involves a restored relationship, saying,
    “Forgiveness is a restoration of fellowship. And so if the person is not sorrowful, doesn't confess it, then there's not a restoration of fellowship. And so I would not call it forgiveness.” (02:01)
  • Ken adds, “Forgiveness cannot be given if forgiveness is not desired or a restoration of the relationship is not desired.” (02:53)
• Letting Go Is Different
  • Choosing not to harbor anger, resentment, or a desire for revenge when the person has not repented is called “letting go,” not forgiveness.
  • Ken explains, “If I say, okay, my relationship is not restored with this person, but I don't wish him evil... would we call that...I’m just going to leave it up to the Lord or I’m going to be at peace with the situation.” (03:10)
  • Letting go is described as a personal step toward emotional and spiritual health, separate from full biblical forgiveness.

2. Handling Anger, Vengeance, and Bitterness

• Anger and Vengeance Are Sinful Responses
  • “Anger, vengeance, those are all contrary to the Scriptures. Those are all sinful activities. We are not to seek vengeance on our own, but we are to leave that up to the Lord. ‘Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.’” – Bob (02:53)
• Prayer as an Antidote
  • Ken shares that praying for those who harmed him is helpful to let go of anger. He references modern social movements to make his point:
    “If we say people’s names before the Lord and ask the Lord to work in their lives, it tends to have a positive impact on our own hearts. At least I find it that way.” (05:04)
• Avoiding a Root of Bitterness
  • The discussion brings in Hebrews’ warning not to let a “root of bitterness” grow in one’s heart. Ken refers to Bob’s writing on this theme. (05:36-05:40)

3. Biblical Application: Casting Cares on God

• Ken relates the act of letting go to the biblical command: “Cast all your cares upon Him.” (05:40-06:00)
  • Letting go of unresolved hurts is a way of entrusting God with emotional burdens when reconciliation is impossible.

4. Ongoing Nature of Letting Go

• Bob notes, “This is something that we're going to have to ask the Lord for because I think our flesh is naturally going to want vengeance, naturally going to want anger, going to want to even the score.” (07:06)
• Ken says, “If we have ongoing unresolved anger that hurts us...We need to let. He calls it letting go. I kind of like that. Letting go is probably a good name for it.” (07:26-07:46)

5. Forgiveness When the Offender Is Deceased

• Theoretical Limitation
  • Bob: “If the person’s dead, I can't have a restored relationship with him, so forgiveness cannot take place.” (08:24)
• Personal Reflection
  • Ken reflects deeply on his own family background:
    • Grew up with an alcoholic father who often failed to keep promises.
    • “There was lots of things I needed to forgive my dad for...And I was able to do that with my dad.” (08:36-09:22)
    • He describes moving from resentment to actively loving and eventually restoring a relationship before his father’s death but notes that after death, forgiveness as restoration is no longer possible.
  • Ken states,
    • “At least on my end I can do my part.” (12:02)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Distinguishing Forgiveness and Letting Go:
  • “What they say is, I've forgiven that person. But what they really mean is what we're discussing, if they've done this, what they're saying is I choose not to be angry. I choose not to be bitter. I choose not to get back at that person. I choose not to take vengeance into my own hands. But if there's not a restoration of fellowship, then by definition, forgiveness has not taken place.” — Bob (07:47)
• On Dealing with Past Hurts:
  • “Forgiveness kind of needs an ongoing reminder or whatever.” — Ken (10:44)
• On Praying for Those Who Offend:
  • “If we say people's names before the Lord and ask the Lord to work in their lives, it tends to have a positive impact on our own hearts.” — Ken (05:04)
• On Bitterness and Peace:
  • “We need the help of the Spirit to transform us into the image of Christ here.” — Bob (07:19)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:50 — Listener Hal’s Question Introduced
• 02:01 — Forgiveness Requires Repentance and Restoration
• 05:04 — The Transformative Power of Praying for Offenders
• 06:00 — “Cast Your Cares Upon Him”: Scriptural Application
• 07:06 — The Struggle to Let Go Is Natural
• 08:24 — Forgiveness vs. Letting Go When the Person Is Deceased
• 08:36-10:44 — Ken’s Personal Story (Alcoholic Father, Restoration Before Death)
• 12:02 — Emotional Letting Go After Death, Even When Forgiveness Isn’t Technically Possible

---

Summary

Bob Wilkin and Ken Yates thoughtfully clarify that biblical forgiveness is a two-way street predicated on repentance and relationship restoration. When this is impossible—because the other party is unrepentant or deceased—Christians are nevertheless called to "let go" of anger, resentment, and any desire for revenge. They urge listeners to rely on prayer, trust God with their hurts, and to avoid the poison of bitterness. Ken’s personal narrative illustrates how letting go and expressing unconditional love can lead to healing, even when full reconciliation cannot occur. The discussion offers practical, scriptural, and heartfelt wisdom for anyone struggling to navigate forgiveness in broken or impossible relationships.

Transcript

[A]

The following is a listener supported ministry from the Grace Evangelical Society. Is forgiveness a one way street or a two way street? How does it work? We're going to talk about this today here on Grace in Focus. Thank you for joining us. We live in North Texas and we are a free grace ministry. Our organization name is the Grace Evangelical Society. Our website is faithalone.org on our website you will find many resources, hundreds of free articles and our bookstore where you can purchase books. Bob Wilkins latest book, the Gospel is Still Under Siege is available right there in the store. Find it [e-mail] now with today's question and answer discussion, here's Bob Wilken along with Ken Yates.

[B]

Bob, we have a, I think a great question from Hal and I have to tell you, when I mention his name, brings back memories. One of my bosses in the military was Hal and he was a real, he could really cook good stuff on the grill. And we called him the grill Master. So that's who I think of, Hal the Grill Master. But he has a great question. Okay, what's his question?

[C]

This is from Hal the Grill Master. Hal says, I just listened to your and Ken's discussion on forgiveness. I agree that there can be no reconciliation without repentance by the offending party. But what about forgiveness in the sense of letting go of a debt? Say someone has wronged me deeply and they never repent of it. Do I maintain an attitude of anger, resentment and a desire for revenge because the person did it and doesn't repent? That puts me in bondage toward that person. If I let go of those feelings, what do we call that act? If it's not forgiveness, what is it? And how goes on to say, what if the person who harmed me is dead? Love to hear your thoughts. So what would you call this, Ken? You wouldn't call it forgiveness, would you?

[B]

No, I think probably what he has in mind is what we discussed on that other podcast. I think forgiveness is a restoration of fellowship. And so if the person is not sorrowful, doesn't confess it, then there's not a restoration of fellowship. And so I would not call it forgiveness. Now we can call it, you know what he says, what would we call it? If I say, okay, I'm not going to be angry with him, or I'm not going to wish that he falls down some stairs and breaks his neck or something like that.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But we wouldn't call it forgiveness. Forgiveness is given when a person who has been wrong, the other person confesses it and asks for forgiveness. And that was part of our podcast there. The point that we were making is forgiveness cannot be given if forgiveness is not desired or a restoration of the relationship is not desired. You brought up a good point as we discussed this earlier, that the other things that Hal mentions, anger, vengeance, those are all contrary to the scriptures. Those are all sinful activities. We are not to seek vengeance on our own, but we are to leave that up to the Lord. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. Right. And so what would we say it? If I say, okay, my relationship is not restored with this person, but I don't wish him evil. I don't. I'm not going to go scratch his car up, you know, key it, or whatever the case may be. Would we call that. I'm just going to leave it up to the Lord or I'm going to be at peace with the situation. I'm going to pray for that individual, hoping that he confesses that sin later to me so that we can have a relationship restored.

[C]

I like that a lot. In fact, what I found in my own life is if I pray for people and just ask God to do what's best. In other words, I don't know exactly what. What's best in these people's lives. I mean, I think I do, you know, them repenting and come to me and whatever. But if someone has wronged me, praying for them, I find is very helpful. It's kind of like, remember when we had all the disturbances going on in the country and people were saying, just say her name? You remember that there was a woman who was shot and killed when her.

[B]

Yeah, Brianna, right? Wasn't that her name? It was in Louisville.

[C]

I think it was. I think it was. Which is your state, right?

[B]

That's right. Louisville, Kentucky.

[C]

And I think she was married to or living with a drug dealer, and he pulled out a gun when the police came to the door, but they were not wearing uniforms, I guess. I guess they were plain clothes. And it's questionable. I don't know if they announced themselves or not. But in any case, she got shot and killed. Or when he fired at the police and they fired back and missed him, but hit her. And everybody was saying, say her name. Well, I think there's something about that in prayer. If we say people's names before the Lord and ask the Lord to work in their lives, it tends to have a positive impact on our own hearts. At least I find it that way. Don't you, Ken?

[B]

Yeah. And I think what Hal is talking about here is, you know, he mentions the Word, you know, let go of my anger, I think, and don't seek vengeance. But it's. It's also a. What would we say? Not being bitter.

[C]

Yeah. Because, you know, Hebrews talks about the root of bitterness and you've written a book on that.

[B]

Right. What is your view of. Do you think this is related, Bob, where Cast all your cares upon him. Could this be an application of that verse?

[C]

Oh, absolutely, I think so. Because if I have a strained relationship with someone, it hurts me. Right?

[B]

Right.

[C]

I don't want a strained relationship with anybody and probably especially someone who's offended me. I'd like a restored fellowship with that person. Missing that, I think is casting your cares upon him.

[B]

Right. And with the prayer here of I don't want to be bitter, you know, I don't want to seek vengeance. I don't. I don't want evil for that person. You know, he. He robbed me of 500 bucks. I want him to feel the loss of 500 bucks or something like that.

[A]

Did you know that the Grace Evangelical Society offers an M. Div. Degree through our online seminary? And tuition is free to those who maintain a 3.0 grade average. It is a three year degree program and you could submit your application now to gain acceptance. Then stay apprised of our registration periods for upcoming semester terms. Program and application details can be [e-mail] have a look at our M. Div. Become an approved workman. Find out how gesseminary.org and by the.

[B]

Way, I think this is something that we're going to have to ask the Lord for because I think our flesh is naturally going to want vengeance, naturally going to want anger, going to want to even the score.

[C]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[B]

And so we're going to need the help of the Spirit to transform us into the image of Christ here.

[C]

Yeah, no, I like that very much. I think that Hal is right that if we have ongoing unresolved anger that hurts us, I mean, that is bad for us. And so he's right. We need to let. He calls it letting go. I kind of like that. Letting go is probably a good name for it.

[B]

Yeah. But I would also want to reiterate what we said on the other podcast and Hal mentions it. I think we have to be careful and not call that forgiveness because that's what so many evangelicals do. Right. What they say is, I've forgiven that person. But what they really mean is what we're discussing, if they've done this, what they're saying is I choose not to be angry. I choose not to be bitter. I choose not to get back at that person. I choose not to take vengeance into my own hands. But if there's not a restoration of fellowship, then by definition, forgiveness has not taken place.

[C]

Right.

[B]

He asked the second part of that question. What if the person is dead? To be consistent, I would have to say, well, if the person's dead, I can't have a restored relationship with him, so forgiveness cannot take place.

[C]

This is a terrific question about what if the person is dead? And it comes home to me? Because I grew up in an alcoholic family and my dad loved me and everything, but his dad before him had been an alcoholic. And I don't know how many generations it went back, but my dad made lots of promises to me that he didn't fulfill because he was drunk. And he wasn't able to fulfill the promises or didn't even remember the promises. And there was lots of things I needed to forgive my dad for. And I've read a lot of books on what's called aca, or Adult Children of Alcoholics. And they basically say, you need to let go of your anger and your resentment and all these other things because that's eating you up. And I was able to do that with my dad. I had come to Faith in Christ my senior year in college. So not only was I able to forgive him, but I started telling him, I love you. And at the beginning, my parents being born in 1912 and 1916, they didn't say, I love you, right? But after a while, when I kept doing that and telling them, I love you, I love you, they started doing it. And I found it really helped. And so my dad now has been dead since 1989, which is, what, 36 years now. And I feel like we do have restored fellowship. Now, my dad wasn't the kind to say, I'm sorry, son, or forgive me, son, or. But I could tell that he was sorry and that he did repent. And that's another thing I think we need to talk about with Hal here is sometimes a person just doesn't say, I'm sorry. They don't say, please forgive me, but you can tell that's where they're at. And so I think we should recognize that if a person is there, we go ahead and forgive them, even if they haven't said whatever words we're looking for.

[B]

What you're saying there is, in the case with your dad, before he died, the relationship was restored.

[C]

Yes, but it continues to be restored because Occasionally I might have a memory that's not a good one and I let go of that memory and I've already forgiven him. But forgiveness kind of needs an ongoing reminder or whatever. But I don't know for sure if my dad's with the Lord or not. I think he is because by his own account, when he was like 14 or 15, he went forward at a Baptist church. And assuming he actually believed at that point, he was born again. But later he fell away. So by the time I came along, I don't know if he believed in life after death at that point.

[B]

Well, with the issue with how's question, I thought he meant, okay, let's say you know somebody and they sin against you and they never confess it. They never. And the relationship is not restored and then that person dies. That's what I was referring to. That in that particular situation, forgiveness cannot take place. Now, this is my opinion, because the relationship was not restored, right? There was no communion with the person and then they die. What we're talking about here is that we can still ask the Lord to keep us from being bitter and angry about that former relationship or that former sin.

[C]

No, I agree wholeheartedly. I would say when my dad died, I was angry, I was resentful. I wanted revenge on my dad and there was no forgiveness toward him. Then at some point subsequent I would need to let go of that anger, let go of the desire for revenge, at least from my standpoint. Say I'm letting go of all that. Whether you can have forgiveness after the person dies or not, I don't know. Obviously they're not here to have fellowship with you, but at least on my end I can do my part.

[B]

Sure. Well, I think that was a great question by Hal. We need to think more about this topic of forgiveness and what the biblical definition of forgiveness is. Remember, keep grace in focus.

[A]

Would you be interested in some freedom ebooks on topics you hear on this program? Well, if you are, you need to come Visit [e-mail] that's faithalone.org we would love to hear from you. Maybe you've got a question, comment or some feedback. If you do, please don't hesitate to send us a message. Here's our email address. It's radioaithalone.org that's radio faithalone.org and when you do, very important. Please let us know your radio station call letters and the city of your location on our next episode. Does Galatians 1:15 teach predestination? Please join us and in the meantime, let's keep Grace in focus.

[B]

The proceeding has been a listener supported.

[A]

Ministry from the Grace Evangelical Society.