
Loading summary
Advertisement Voice
A better help ad.
Alain de Botton
Hold on one second.
Advertisement Voice
I just need to.
Alain de Botton
What if you had a room where
Advertisement Voice
no one interrupts, no notifications, no expectations, just space to talk with BetterHelp Therapy happens in a space that's yours. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
Hi. Who here loves when their nails are perfectly done?
Advertisement Voice
Me.
Sarah Gibson Tuttle
I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle and I started Olive in June because let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails. But who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon? And that's why I created the Mani system. So you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home. And guess what? The best part? Each mani only costs two dollars. Yup, you heard me. Two dollars. No more 30, 40, $50 salon trips that eat up your day. Now you can paint your whenever you want, wherever you want. And trust me, you're gonna be obsessed with your nails and everyone is gonna ask you where did you get your nails done? And here's a little something extra. Head over to oliveandjune.com and get 20% off your first mani system with code perfectmani20@oliveandjune.com perfectmanny20 that's code perfectmanny20 for 20% off at olivenjune.com perfectmanny 20. You're all set for a nail glow up. Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?
Advertisement Voice
If your eyes are the windows to your soul and your glasses are the windows to your eyes, then it's pretty important to find your perfect frames. That's why at Warby Parker, we've made shopping for eyewear as easy and fun as can be. Peruse endless styles in our stores or use our app to virtually try on frames and get personalized recommendations to find your next favorite pair of glasses, sunglasses or contact lenses. Or to locate your nearest Warby Parker store, head over to warbyparker.com that's warbyparker.com hi, this is Farnoosh Tarabi from so Money with Farnoosh Tarabi. And today I want to talk to you about Boost Mobile. Quick money tip. Stop paying a carrier tax. If your phone bill feels trapped in a pricey plan, this is your sign to unlock savings. Boost Mobile helps you reset your spending. With the $25 Unlimited Forever Plan. You can bring your own phone, pay $25 and get unlimited wireless forever. And that simple switch can unlock up to doll in savings a year. That's money you could put towards paying down debt investing or something that actually brings you joy. Those savings are based on average annual single line payment of AT&T, Verizon and T Mobile customers, compared to 12 months on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan as of January 2026. For full offer details, visit boostmobile.com.
Jamie Lang
Hello everyone, I'm Jamie Lang and this is Great Mom. Hey guys, how you doing? Welcome back to another Great Moments Today. I'm really excited for you to listen to this because we have got Alain de Botton on Great Moments. Now. This episode is still one of those episodes that people come up to me on the street and say, I love that episode, Jamie. It's so good. It's full of just eye opening conversations that I never thought I'd have now. I love the way Alain looks at life. He's so measured and kind of thoughtful and has so much knowledge to share. So in this great moment he talks about what love really means in adult relationships, where the ick actually comes from, and he had some really interesting stuff to say about comedians and why they often come from unhappy childhoods. All of that is in the episode. I also asked Alan about my own relationship with my wife Sophie, which was very risky, I have to admit, because he's a relationship expert and he also shared some fascinating stuff about attachment styles. Okay, I really hope you enjoy this Great Moments and don't forget to go and check out other amazing guests on Great Company. Just search Great Company wherever you get your podcasts and if you like this little clip, click in the show notes, click on, click on the link and it'll take you to the full episode. And don't forget to subscribe. Okay? Enjoy this Great Moments with Alain de Botton
Alain de Botton
Many entertainers, entertainment was not a choice, it was a necessity. They needed to entertain because someone around them, maybe, you know, many people around them couldn't quite bear certain things. So I've noticed just sort of empirically that people who are very funny often grew up in circumstances that were not funny at all and where the humor that they're excellent at deploying is essentially a way of defusing the rage and the difficult moods of people around. So it's not so much just a skill like any other, it's a survival skill that people have honed in order to manage the very difficult people around them. So, you know, I mean that we kind of know that in popular ways, you know, the melancholy clown, et cetera, but it really does tend to have origins in humor being something that you learn because otherwise people are a little too serious and often too Angry.
Jamie Lang
That's interesting you say that because I remember Jimmy Carr saying, people always ask me if I'm depressed. That's why I'm a comedian. But actually you should ask if my parents were depressed.
Alain de Botton
Perfect. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I mean very often the wit, the wit of the child is there to ward off the parents depression.
Jamie Lang
Really.
Alain de Botton
Listen, people come into the children come into the world and all of us are honed by nature to figure out what do I need to do here to survive. I mean literally, that's, that's, that's how one should imagine every child. What do I need to do here to survive? Not necessarily survive physically though. Of course, yes, physically as well. But psychologically, mentally, what do I need to do? In some families you need to excel academically. In some families you need to fail academically. In some families you need to be very witty. In some families you need to be invisible.
Jamie Lang
Why would you need to fail in some families?
Alain de Botton
Oh, well, the classic one is parental envy. I mean it's, you know, it's an awkward fact, but parents are, some parents are hugely envious of their own children and they cannot bear that their child who they've put on the earth should be happier than they've managed to be. And so therefore the child has to take early retirement from various things and the child ends up thinking, oh, I'm bad at maths, or whatever, maybe, or is there someone who would be rather frightened if you were better at maths. So families are difficult places and dynamics occur that really go way beyond what we're ordinarily prepared to tolerate.
Jamie Lang
What does love mean if I mean
Alain de Botton
kind of adult romantic relationships? Adult romantic relationships are a kind of litmus test of our emotional development. And that's why very many of us find them very, very hard. They're also a real, a moment where your past catches up with your present. Because the way in which we love as adults owes a huge amount to the way in which we experience love as children. You could say that what we're looking for in adult romantic relationships is often a sense of familiarity. Not so much happiness. People go, oh, I'm looking to be happy, steady. Maybe not maybe what you're really looking for is a sense of familiarity, which might be, it might be that what you're really looking for is suffering, neglect, feeling that you're not that important to somebody, really feeling that somebody's got something more important to do other than be with you. I mean, this is why people make such as it were strange choices in relationships. I mean, look, I'm sure we've all had situations where you recommend that a good friend of yours goes out with another good friend of yours to go on a date. Yes. And you think these people really should, should match and you know, both got so much to offer the world and you call up your friend afterwards and you how did it go? And they go, really nice, really nice person. And you go, is that a problem? And they go, no, maybe didn't have that much to say to one another, etc. Now maybe what they may perhaps struggling to say is this person I encountered is too nice to give me the feeling of suffering that I need in order to feel I'm in love. Because that's slightly the way in which I may have developed that being loved and giving love is not an uncomplicated process. As I say, in many families, for example, you're only loved if you do something. If you achieve something, if you prove yourself in a certain way. It means that in adult relationships we're often looking to recreate that conditionality and therefore, well, you know, the ick. Why? Why does the ick sometimes descend?
Jamie Lang
It often very Gen Z of you.
Alain de Botton
I know, I've been taught by younger folk the ick can descend in contact with a level of kindness and sympathy which doesn't feel warranted and earned. It's simply unfamiliar. And so this is why relationships are often so complicated, because we're on a track to recreate patterns of suffering that we don't understand, we're interested in recreating and which we're unconsciously repeating. So this is why relationships are so strange. You know, we used to be, we used to get into relationships because our parents would fit them in or society would arrange marriage. Now we have marriages and relationships by instinct. We get drawn to people, but those instincts are so much more complicated than we like to think. Because we're not merely pulled by a desire to be happy. We're pulled by a desire to rework many of the challenges of our past. I mean, Freud put it at its best. His view was that we're looking to recreate painful situations that we experienced at the hands of our parents, but give them a better ending. So for example, someone might be, let's imagine a woman who finds herself very often getting together with angry, intemperate, slightly out of control men. You say, okay, why is this happening? We might discover that the past of this person includes a father who was very much like this. Now we might say, goodness, this sounds awful. This is ever going to end. The hopeful psychotherapeutic answer is yes, because what the person's doing is not looking to suffer forever. What they're looking is to understand the pattern and solve it, ideally with somebody that they can go on a journey with. Which is why, you know, if you had an angry father and you have. And you come across a completely calm person that might not be that interesting. You come across somebody who feels the temptation of anger but wants to work it through with you in your company, and that together, you might heal from this problem that can be deeply satisfying for people. So, you know, if we want to be optimistic about the patterns people are involved with, I don't think people are invested in suffering forever. They're interested in finding a way out of the pattern, but they need to be close to that pattern in order to feel that thing we call desire. That desire is often ignited by proximity to a pattern of pain that was experienced in the past.
Jamie Lang
I love that idea. I don't love that idea. But we actually. We're not trying to be happy. We're looking for familiarity, which is wild because.
Alain de Botton
Well, it's so paradoxical, right?
Jamie Lang
Well, no, it's. It's paradoxical because. Because, okay, I look at my. My wife, for example. So she. Her parents loved her. She. Her daddy used to come home and she would get onto his feet and dance on his shoes, and she was. She had all this. And so she has this immense inner confidence. I ever asked her, she'd ever been heartbroken. I've never won. I've never been heartbroken, ever.
Alain de Botton
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
And I was like, really? You've never been heartbroken? No, I've never experienced that. Me, on the other hand, I quite like, I think, to. Maybe I'm drawn to that rejection.
Alain de Botton
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
Because I went to boarding school, 8 years old, divorced parents. That classic abandonment, probably.
Alain de Botton
Yeah.
Jamie Lang
So I understand from my side why. And Sophie, who is just the greatest thing to me, I think she's the greatest thing that walks on this earth. She's quite, you know, if I could try and kiss her and hug her, get off. You know. You know, she doesn't need it when I want it all the time. And so that. That's kind of why we work, I would say, and I feel very happy. But from her side, if she's experienced love, then what is she looking for? What do I offer her, really? If she's. Have I just made this by myself? Do I, you know.
Alain de Botton
Well, look, I'm interested in what you're saying. It's interesting. You say she received warm love from her dad. And danced on his shoes, et cetera. But when you come close to her, she goes no and pushes you slightly away. So that suggests a pattern of avoidance on her part. And even though she may have at some points had love, maybe there are complexities there. And maybe you picked her. You said you were quite interested in, you know, rejection and whatever. And maybe she rejects you just as much as you need to be rejected in order to feel you're in love. If she rejected you too much, you might flee. Yes. If she didn't reject you at all, you might think, oh, not sure I can get that feeling.
Jamie Lang
Yes, exactly.
Alain de Botton
So it's possible that you've worked out between you a happy medium where, you know, in the classic attachment theory, you are just anxious enough for her love and she is just avoidant enough that it works and that it's. It's, you know, the great trick in love is where are people standing too close or not close enough? If people can find the right distance from one another, it can work. But I would be interested to, you know, if she were here to ask, you know, what was it about her relationship with her parents and her early experience of love. That means that when you hunger for her love, it's a bit much and she feels the need to go away and keep you at bay.
Jamie Lang
Well, she said that her dad used to smother her kisses and that used to annoy her. And I do the same.
Alain de Botton
Okay, so maybe there was a way in which she experienced love as a little bit invasive.
Jamie Lang
Yes.
Alain de Botton
Because we think of love as, you know, true love is correct attunement to somebody. If somebody wants to be alone, you let them be alone. Somebody's a bit sad, you allow them to be sad. There's a more cartoonish vision of love where it's just hugs and kisses and joy. That's, you know, it's, you know, the sort of parents who goes up to a child, goes, who's a pretty boy now? You know, and always trying to make fun when actually the child might be in a melancholy mood. Let that child have that sad mood. Let the child have their distance. It's possible, who knows, that your wife, you know, experienced her father as forcing out of affection, but nevertheless forcing her to inhabit a certain emotional band which didn't necessarily always respect what she was actually feeling. And therefore she maybe has grown up with a sense of needing to push away at moments when she might not be on the same page. And that's okay. So she mean. Yeah.
Jamie Lang
I'm honestly never been more fascinated in all my life, my brain is going wild with questions. How does an individual then how do we make sure we're picking the right partner? And is life about finding a partner or isn't? Isn't it
Alain de Botton
extreme? Modesty is probably a good starting point. In other words, we probably have to acknowledge that we'll almost certainly make some mistakes and we need to go steady. And therefore, when we get married, the, you know, celebrate if you like, but also cry a little bit because preemptively, because you know you're going to be in for some pain, because few of us are without error in our love choices. You know, this is a very imperfect and very demanding business, and it's good just to lower the temperature. You know, the perfect relationship does not exist. The more you insist that it does, the more you're going to have an imperfect one. So to go easy on one another, a relationship is always an encounter between two very broken people who are just trying to get by. And, you know, the other person's not trying to do you down, the other person is just struggling with their own issues, et cetera. So if that's the starting point of a relationship, it's much more helpful than, you know, we are two paragons of, you know, beauty and perfection. And we're all, you know, whatever. I mean, at the school of life, we always recommend that when people go on a date, one of the first questions they should ask is a relatively early question is, how are you mad? To the partner? To the prospective partner. In other words, the utility of that question is, we're all mad. The question is just, do you have any insight into what your madness is? And it's fine to be mad. I'll tell you how I'm mad, you'll tell me how you're mad. And we won't make such a taboo of it. So that helps, I think, when embarking on a relationship. Also, you know, it does help to go and have some therapy, go and look into yourself, have a basic grasp of attachment theory. You know, attachment theory worked out 40 years ago now, very useful. Who's avoidant, who's anxious, who's secure? What makes you vulnerable? What are your triggers? We don't need people to be perfect in relationships, but if they have some grasp of the areas in which they go a bit mad, that's tremendously helpful. To be able to give your partner a rudimentary but nevertheless fairly accurate map of the bits of you that are a little wonky. This is very generous. This is a hugely generous act to say you know, in this area, I'm fragile when it comes to how I might behave about the fact that you have lots of friends or that you're often down about something or that you're not punctual or whatever. These things are difficult. And the reason why relationships get so bitter is that people fail to remember the complicated. In a way, very understandable reasons for why their partner is as difficult as they are. If you can remember, okay, what I'm dealing with is not an enemy who's trying to ruin my life, but someone who really struggled with their father when they were five. That's why it's so hard for them to do that thing in the kitchen that I'd like them to do. They're not trying to ruin my life. They're just trying to cope in their own way. And we forget this. It's so hard. But there should be a patron saint of this, and there should be reminders before and after the news that this is what we all need to do.
Jamie Lang
I love that, that you should look at relationships as, we're both broken individuals and we're just trying to figure this out together. So if you are in an argument with your partner or your loved one or whoever it is, then how is the best way to communicate with each other?
Alain de Botton
The number one way to unwind a particularly tense standoff is always to give your partner or friend, colleague, whatever, a sense that you are listening to what it is that they're saying. You don't have to agree, but you have to listen. And a very simple way is to go, I hear you. But an even better way, this is what they teach you in, you know, class 101 when you try and train in psychotherapy is you reflect back to them what they're saying. So they're saying, you know, it's all terrible because of this, that, and the other. And rather than going, okay, yes, I hear you, you say, okay, so I'm hearing that when you went to work, your boss did this, and then they did that, and you felt this and that way, it's left you feeling. And they go, yes, yes, you understand me, because you've paraphrased their feeling. And I can't tell you how satisfying that is. So paraphrasing what someone has just said to you, asking them what it is, and then massively lowers the temperature because immediately someone feels heard. And the moment they feel heard, they're then ready to hear you. So if you do this for somebody, they will then do it back to you, and then you're in a virtuous circle and off you go. My perfect day has sand, salt water and friends, but my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis can take me out of the moment. Now I'm all in with clearer skin thanks to skyrizi risen Kizumab RZA, a prescription only 150mg injection for adults who are categorized candidates for systemic or phototherapy. With Skyrizi, Most people saw 90% clearer skin and many were even 100% plaque free at four months. Skyrizi is just four doses a year after two starter doses.
Advertisement Voice
Don't use if allergic to Skyrizi. Serious allergic reactions, increased infections or lower ability to fight them may occur before treatment. Get checked for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor about any flu like symptoms or vaccines.
Alain de Botton
Thanks to Skyriz, there's nothing on my skin and that means everything. Ask your doctor about Skyrizi, the number one dermatologist prescribed biologic in psoriasis. Visit skyrizi.com or call 1-866-Skyrizi to learn more.
Jamie Lang
If you've used Babbel, you would Babble's conversation based technique teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about in the real world. With lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts and voiced by real native speakers, Babbel is like having a private tutor in your pocket. Start speaking with Babbel today. Get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription right now at babbel.com acast spelled B A B B E L.com acast rules and restrictions may apply.
Advertisement Voice
Shipping, billing, admin, payroll, marketing. You're managing all the things, so why waste time sending important documents the old fashioned way? Mail and ship when you want, how you want with stamps.com print postage on demand 24, 7 and schedule pickups from your office or home. Save up to 90% with automated rate shopping. That's why over 1 million small businesses trust stamps.com go to stamps.com and use code podcast to try stamps.com risk free for 60 days. Hi, this is Farnoosh Tarabi from so Money with Farnoosh Tarabi and today I want to talk to you about Boost Mobile. Quick Money Tip Stop paying a carrier tax. If your phone bill feels trapped in a pricey plan, this is your sign to unlock savings. Boost Mobile helps you reset your spending. With the $25 Unlimited Forever plan, you can bring your own phone, pay $25 and get unlimited wireless forever. And that simple switch can unlock up to $600 in savings a year. That's money you could put towards paying down debt, investing or something that actually brings you joy. Those savings are based on average annual single line payment of AT&T, Verizon and T Mobile customers, compared to 12 months on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan as of January 2026. For full offer details, visit boostmobile.com.
Podcast: Great Company with Jamie Laing
Episode Date: April 12, 2026
Guest: Alain de Botton, Philosopher and Founder of The School of Life
Theme: Exploring how our childhoods shape adult relationships, the roots of humor, "the ick," why we seek familiarity over happiness, attachment styles, and how to build deeper connections.
This episode is a highlight segment (“Great Moments”) from a widely praised conversation between Jamie Laing and Alain de Botton. The discussion dives into how our early experiences, especially in our families, shape our romantic choices, communicational pitfalls, why comedians are often born of difficult backgrounds, and practical advice for more resilient and honest relationships.
"People who are very funny often grew up in circumstances that were not funny at all and where the humor that they’re excellent at deploying is essentially a way of defusing the rage and the difficult moods of people around."
– Alain de Botton [04:14]
"In some families, you need to excel academically. In some families, you need to fail academically... In some families, you need to be invisible."
– Alain de Botton [05:37]
"Some parents are hugely envious of their own children and they cannot bear that their child... should be happier than they've managed to be."
– Alain de Botton [06:09]
"Maybe what you're really looking for is a sense of familiarity, which might be...suffering, neglect, feeling that you're not that important to somebody."
– Alain de Botton [06:49]
"The ick can descend in contact with a level of kindness and sympathy which doesn't feel warranted and earned. It's simply unfamiliar."
– Alain de Botton [09:00]
"We're looking to recreate painful situations that we experienced at the hands of our parents, but give them a better ending."
– Alain de Botton [10:37]
"She doesn't need it when I want it all the time... That's kind of why we work."
– Jamie Laing [12:32]
"You are just anxious enough for her love and she is just avoidant enough that it works..."
– Alain de Botton [13:44]
"The great trick in love is where are people standing too close or not close enough? If people can find the right distance from one another, it can work."
– Alain de Botton [13:44]
"When we get married, ... celebrate if you like, but also cry a little bit because you know you're going to be in for some pain..."
– Alain de Botton [15:46]
"The number one way to unwind a particularly tense standoff is always to give your partner... a sense that you are listening to what it is they're saying. You don't have to agree, but you have to listen.”
– Alain de Botton [19:00]
On Comedy as Survival:
“People who are very funny often grew up in circumstances that were not funny at all… humor… is essentially a way of defusing the rage and the difficult moods of people around.”
— Alain de Botton [04:14]
On Repeating Patterns:
“What you're really looking for is a sense of familiarity, which might be suffering, neglect… This is why people make such… strange choices in relationships.”
— Alain de Botton [06:49]
On Relationship Dynamics:
“You are just anxious enough for her love and she is just avoidant enough that it works.”
— Alain de Botton [13:44]
On Lowering the Bar:
“We probably have to acknowledge that we'll almost certainly make some mistakes… The perfect relationship does not exist. The more you insist that it does, the more you're going to have an imperfect one.”
— Alain de Botton [15:46]
On Honest Self-Disclosure:
“How are you mad? … We're all mad. The question is, do you have any insight?”
— Alain de Botton [16:31, paraphrased]
On Arguments:
“The number one way to unwind a particularly tense standoff is always to give your partner… a sense that you are listening to what it is they're saying. ... Paraphrasing what someone has just said to you massively lowers the temperature.”
— Alain de Botton [19:00]
Alain’s tone is measured, thoughtful, and gently profound—offering big ideas alongside practical, compassionate advice. Jamie brings candor and vulnerability, using his own relationship as a touchstone for listeners’ real-life struggles.
This conversation peels back the myths of perfect love, offering listeners a roadmap for more forgiving, realistic, and joyful connections—by understanding the tangled roots of adult desire, accepting mutual imperfection, and hearing one another deeply.
Tip: Listen to the full episode for even deeper explorations, and as Alain recommends—start your next date, or conversation, with “How are you mad?”