"It is not upon you to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it."

In this episode of Grief'd Up, host Rebecca Feinglos welcomes Rabbi Hannah Bender, assistant rabbi at Judea Reform Congregation in Durham, NC, queer non-binary rabbi, and someone Rebecca describes as one of the wisest people in her life. What starts as a conversation about Jewish mourning traditions quickly becomes something much bigger: a raw, searching dialogue about how to hold collective grief in a moment that feels, as Rebecca puts it, completely out of control.

Rabbi Bender was ordained in 2024 through Hebrew Union College in Los Angeles. A self-described Midwesterner-at-heart, they've lived in Jerusalem, facilitated spaces for trans and non-binary Jewish youth, and have made Durham their home, where they've become a beloved presence both in the congregation and in Rebecca's life.

Together, Rebecca and Rabbi Bender dig into the ways Judaism has always been built around grief, like the seven days of Shiva, the 30 days of Shloshim, and the tradition that the first meal after a burial must be brought by your community, not prepared by you. But the conversation doesn't stay in ritual. It gets personal. Rebecca opens up about the rage she's been carrying, grief over what's happening politically at home, grief over the conflict in Israel and Gaza, grief over what feels like the slow unraveling of truths she used to count on. And she asks, honestly: Is there room for rage inside of gentleness?

Rabbi Bender's answer is one you'll want to sit with. They distinguish between being nice and being kind and make a case that kindness can live inside our anger, inside a protest, inside the discomfort of staying in community even when it's hard.

This one is for everyone who is grieving something bigger than themselves right now and doesn't know where to put it.

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Rage, Gentleness, and the Space Between: Collective Grief with Rabbi Hannah Bender