Deontay Kyle (24:23)
how it's almost like everything had to happen the way that it did for me to be who I am so I could show up in this moment, not only for myself, but for y'. All. So we start with being given away at birth and having no knowledge of that, but having that innate knowing that I was different from the people I was being raised by. Even though I was raised in love and turmoil, you know, I was raised in some. I was raised by people who was doing the best they can, they could. And my auntie told me a funny story the other day. So I was on the phone. I've kind of reconnected with some of my family that I have fallen out with. It's not super close, but it's cool. It's cordial. It's love. I don't think it ever will be what it was, especially growing up. But it's getting better. So my auntie was telling me about some of the miscarriages my mom had and how she was just determined to have a son, and she was going to name that son Deontay. And so, you know, she had a stillbirth and a few miscarriages with boys, and these boys was going to be named Deontay. And she was like, man, you know, when she got you, it was such a blessing for her, especially to get you, like, fresh out the womb. You was two days old. You were her baby. You know what I mean? So I meant a lot to her. It was like a blessing for her. And then I think about how the world know this name that she was determined to name her son. And I think about how had that not happened, I would have never grown up with this innate, you know, trust and pattern recognition and, you know, trauma can do some funny things to you, but more than anything, it'll make you a little hyper vigilant. It can also make you extremely rebellious. And so that rebelliousness and that hyper vigilance and my ability to notice things that maybe everybody else isn't not also cultivated in how I was reared. And also like a lot of pushback I got out of life. Like just motherfuckers want me to shut the fuck up. Like people always wanted me to shut the fuck up. And I was determined to talk. And you know, I think about when I was 18, I was in the bookstore and I had like on the all black dicky fit. And I, you know, that was around the time I was really like robbing niggas for sport. Like that was my shit because it was easy, you know, and always kind of scoped out situations where it'd be loading no consequences. Like I already knew these niggas ain't gonna do shit or if they do do shit, like I'm with that shit. So it is what it is. Like I was robbing niggas without a mask. And then like I ain't give a. I was that hot. Like no mask, no name, you know, exactly who did this shit. Come get that in blood or just get the on, you know what I'm saying? And I had went to this bookstore because even in the midst of that time, I was still like, you know, reading and shit like that. Like that was like I was by myself a lot. So even when I was with the bros, I break away, go by myself. I also was like on and off homeless because mom dudes aren't going. So sometimes I be, you know, hobo sexual I for, you know, somewhere to stay and then trap out that house and then she'll put me out, cuz she don't want me selling drugs out of the house, whatever, using cars. I was bum ass nigga, you know what I'm saying? I was a bum ass nigga for sure. But I think about, you know, I met this girl in the fucking Barnes and Noble and she just told me that I would be a pastor. I don't know, we had a long conversation before that. But she also was like very spiritual Christian at the time, but not your Average judgmental bottle book Christian, you know, she was a seer. She told me I'd be a pastor, but not in a conventional way. And then I fast forward to this one night. It was like three in the morning and I was high as fuck off cocaine. And I was just walking around my neighborhood, like pacing, talking to myself and shit like that. Because that's how I kind of dealt with my problems. I didn't really feel like I had nobody to talk to, so I would talk to myself. And I left this spot. We was all getting geeked up and shit. I was like, I'm finna pill out because I just had too much shit on my mind. And I was walking around, it was like a block, you know what I'm saying? Like apartment complex. So of course, sidewalk. It was just like one big ass block. So I was pacing the block, talking to myself and one of my neighbors. Like, I only say hi and bye for whatever reason. He was outside at three in the morning and he stopped me and he was like, I seen you walking and I seen you walk by like a few times. So I wanted to just stop you and let you know that I got a word about you from God. And he was like, I want you to know that you are going to bring forth the true word of Jesus Christ and the true gospel. And not the gospel that they preach in the Bible, but the true word. And I was like, okay. And I'm like, I'm actively. I'm like 2 grams into an eight ball and selling this too and hating my job. And I was like, yeah, whatever, bro. You know what I'm saying? All these different encounters. I remember, like I was trying to get a job at Burger King when I had got out of jail because I was like, I just need any job. And I had walked through this like, sonic parking lot after they had told me they wasn't gonna hire me. And I was crying and shit because I was like really trying to change my life. And I felt like, damn, bro. Like, I can't find a job for shit. I can't even get a job at Burger King, bro. Like, I' ma just had to go back to the street. But I was crying because I didn't want to do that shit. Like I really wanted to change myself. And this dude had stopped me and was like, God told me to tell you, keep going. And I was like, n. What the fuck? Like, what the fuck, bro? Like all these. I just reflect on these moments where I was like in spaces of like real hurt and pain and you know, whether that be addiction, whether that be like homelessness and just like being lost in the world, you know what I'm saying? When I was in the street or, you know, trying to change my life, but shit ain't clicking or, you know, actively in my addiction and getting these messages and it always was pointing me to my purpose, right? And I would say that is affirmative, that I'm living in my purpose now. The fruits of it are there, you know, for sure. And it got me thinking about how rebellion, like, like the true rebellious nature of me is just like growing regardless, like fighting for my humanity because I had every excuse to be a bad person. And people would understood, like, oh, he was adopted, or, you know, he was on drugs or, you know, whatever the case may be, I could have, you know, I used my last day, like all these different things. I could have used all these things as an excuse to be a fucked up ass person. And I still choose, you know, in my mind to be righteous in the truest sense. I still choose to pursue happiness and harmony and community and not wanting to see, you know, young men go through the things that I went through, or young women for that matter, giving them, you know, options of how to start a career and start a life out on the right track, you know, with these trade programs and things like that, where they can put some money in their pocket and they can create, you know, their own income and stability. And the transformative part of it is not doing away with those bad elements, right? If I wasn't willing to go to jail for the bullshit, if I wasn't willing to, like, rob niggas without no mask, because I ain't give a fuck about the consequences. That's why I don't give a fuck about telling the truth. Cause like, I'm gonna tell the truth. I done risked more for way less. So I feel like this, these things that people consider a risk now when they make the comments like, protect this man and you know, we gotta protect him at all costs, Woody, woo, woo. But like, to them, to them, I'm taking a big risk, but to me this is like natural to be bold, to be, you know, Just very forthright with how I feel about things and how I see things without trying to butter it up or sugarcoat it for anybody. And that true transformation comes from embracing that quote, unquote evil. I feel like we are supposed to treat the world accordingly and not ideally. Because goodness is not a performance. It's like an act of integrity, like the choice to be good. It's something that just has to be within you. And goodness in the sense of, like, not the performance of goodness. Now I'm gonna give. I'm gonna give the homeless a jacket and a blanket and food. Because optically, you know, I can monetize out that or optically people and say a good person, but like, choosing to do good and right by people when ain't nobody looking, choosing to go out your way for others when ain't nobody looking, and there is no benefit personally for you. And even your darkness or your shadow self is a tool because knowing how to engage in battles require ammo. If you're going to engage in battle, you need ammo. A lot of people throw down their ammo and then want the world to stop engaging in war. And that's just not how it goes. So all of these different parts of you that you consider your shadow self, you have to kind of remain a balance, which I like. Self, like, if you throw it all away, you become harmless more than you do anything else. Like, I think that there needs to be an element of danger in all of us. There needs to be an element of rebellion in all of us. I think progress in this world, progress in this world requires rebellion, requires somebody who's willing to bend the rules and break the laws and engage in their darkness because it could be a tool. If I'm fearless about running into this house knowing, like, all right, we're gonna run this house and rot these, or I'm gonna jump in the car, this, rock this, and I ain't got no mask on them, that means I really don't give a about the consequences, whether that be from them or from the police. They're like, I can engage. I know I still know how to access that fearlessness. I still know how to access that because I knew what my bigger picture was. My bigger picture was my money. My bigger picture was the ability to feed myself without having to ask anybody for shit and without having to get on somebody clock where I wasn't gonna make a fraction of what I'm making, like the next 30 seconds. But now I can use that as somebody who's willing to organize. Somebody who's willing to be bold enough to go and talk to these babies in these schools and tell them to do the right thing. Because that take courage too, because kids don't really be wanting to hear that shit. Somebody that is willing to take a gun now and go to the gun range and really learn how to utilize and use it. And between me and you, I really want to Learn how to like be very proficient in using a sniper rifle. But that's another topic for another day. But I think a lot of us try to like be all good all the time. And that's just not a reality or a realistic way to view that. I think, you know, the world is, can be manipulative. So if you don't know how to manipulate, then you won't be. You won't know when you're being manipulated. And for me, when I peep somebody trying to manipulate me, I manipulate them back. I fight that fire with fire. I don't even call it out. I just, all right, let's play ball. All right, you want to try me? Let's play ball. May the best liar win. May the best manipulator win. I know it's going to be me because, you know, you think you're getting over and I think you're hilarious. People lie to your face and you know, if you've never engaged in lying, then you can't recognize lies. And for me it's like, oh, you gonna lie to me? Well, let's get this party started. You know what I'm saying? I think, you know, people would try to play power moves. I think, you know, even with this shit that going online, like, people always like to police my reactions to things, right? You know, with the whole Benny situation. Benny did I made all these videos about me. And then when I showed the DM of him trying to be on the show and him being a fan, basically then everybody like, oh, you should have never exposed the DMs or oh, like I hate to see these two brothers, woo do. But like, where was all that talk when this nigga kept making videos about me? Where was all that talk when that nigga was kept down talking me and disrespecting my name and shit like that. Same thing go for that other nigga, the nigga that be oiled up all the time when I made the video about him. Aren't you scared? Aren't you guys scared? No, we ain't no bitch like you get back to selling body butter puss ass nigga. Everybody, oh, these brothers. We hate to see these brothers. But it's like, I don't be saying nothing. Brad be letting nigga get they shit off. And as it's only after the 15th, 20th video that I finally say something. And my response don't even be crazy. Just like these FBA niggas. I'm not talking about foundational black Americans as definition. I'm talking about how they maneuver as a group online. And y' all know that. But y' all want to be dense so y' all can make y' all point against me. Then when I call you niggas out. Now it's all you creating division in the community. But y' all not saying nothing about these nigga when they make. They have made tens and tens damn near 100 videos about me. These niggas be hosting panels about me. You dig what I'm saying? And even when I had made those videos, y' all know that video came from the Christmas episode. And I didn't even put that out. But it wasn't until niggas kept making videos. And it don't even be this thing. I could understand if you disagree with my stance. But these be going big. DB D be so disrespectful, bro. Ass, stupid ass, dumb ass. This agent, this fraud. This, this a clown. This, you know, this bought and paid for. This a fraud. Tether. All these disrespect like, bro, who the do you think you talking to? But then when I engage with it, of course is. Are you like, understanding? Don't nobody lack understanding. Y' all ain't seeing that. And that's hard to understand. Foundational black American. I get it. The people that are descendants of slaves in America. Black people descending of slaves in America. Ados. I get all that. I know exactly what you are talking about. That is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how y' all maneuver as a group online. Black Lives Matter as it stands is just a thing. But the group maneuvers a certain way. And most people's criticism about them is about the group, not about the term. I don't have a problem with the term nigga. I fit into the term. I'm a foundational black American. Why the fuck would I have a problem with that? I do have a problem with how niggas maneuver online and get damn near in alignment with white supremacists. Always wanting to check a nigga paperwork. I always wanna down talk a nigga just cause they weren't born in America when like, bruh, blackness is global. And I don't even rock like that. Like, I'm not even. This ain't even like the diaspora podcast or the Globalist podcast and that. My shit is fuh. Niggas in America, they understand me and other people that can see the parallels in their culture as we talk about ours. Yeah, you're welcome to come join into the conversation, but you can't speak down on Niggas like, I don't go for no disrespect to no black Americans. Nigga, we talk about our culture and our contributions to this, to this fucking country all the fucking time. Ain't no other podcast laid out all of our fucking inventions and the things that we improved on in America. Ain't nobody else said that they don't do like that. Ain't nobody talking about niche cultural references the way me and Big Cat do. This ain't got nothing to do with no black American. They got something to do with how you niggas maneuver as a group. And y' all presence online being extremely divisive. And then the fact that y' all need to be talking out the side of y' all motherfucking neck. And y' all think I ain't gonna say y' all got me up, but I'll engage in the bullshit. Cause I know how to, nigga. I come from the bullshit. And think when you positive and think when you are are in pursuit of, you know, more harm, harmony and community. That they could come at you like that because they believe that a person that want good is soft. I can get down with the evil too. You're not the only one, trust me. And I'm not going to tongue wrestle with you online. And I'm not gonna go back and forth with you. You're gonna get one video out of me. Cause all you obviously want is some motherfucking attention. I know my name is a currency at this point for a lot of you bitch ass niggas. And I'm not. And I'm not opposed to that. It's a lot of people that make a lot of videos about me. And I don't say nothing because it is what it is. I get it. It's a currency. What a blessing. What a blessing. What a blessing it is for my name to hold that much motherfucking weight. But once you go to disrespecting me, now we talking about something different. Now we got a problem. And even though I've been hurt in the past, I don't lead with my hurt because I found purpose through my pain. I kept, you know, I actively was trying to build on myself. I wanted to enhance parts of myself. I wanted to grow in certain areas where I felt stunted. Literature can do that for you. You know, just being able to recognize your own triggers and your own shortcomings can do that for you. But really being honest and accountable with yourself about the things that you do wrong. The ability to put yourself in other people's shoes and see how your actions may be able to affect them or are currently affecting them is how you grow. But you gotta face those things. And a lot of people out here ain't facing shit. What they do is they go and they project they hurt online as expertise. A lot of hurt people project their experiences with pain, loss and betrayal as expertise. And it's much easier to just admit to the hurt, but it's more appealing to act above heartbreak. If more people would be honest and vulnerable instead of acting impenetrable, wouldn't fear connectivity. All of the toxic relationship podcasts, the pot, the balloons, the love doctors and experts can gain fame and notoriety online because the cure that they sell is pessimism, paranoia, and oftentimes prostitution. This transactional idea of relationships, they reinforce and validate hurt and pain. And it's not only confirmation bias, but it's also predatory and parasitic. This is where we get a lot of these relationship toxic gender wars, toxic love doctors, toxic love gurus, toxic experts, and for whatever reason, all of their content is surrounding our connectivity, our ability to embrace with each other, our ability, our ability to engage with one another in a healthy way. Our ability to admit to being hurt is not present online. A lot of niggas don't want to admit that they are hurt. Everybody want to acts like they are above heartbreak. And it's sad because it's not human. It's, it's, it's, it's for one. But it's also, you know, extremely parasitic and predatory. When you want to latch onto people's hurt. While you project your pain and your loss and your betrayal as expertise instead of just your experience, these are your experiences. You can't paint the brush of black men or black women as a whole. You can't paint the whole as the truth or as, you know, irrefutable fact based on your experiences with a handful of people. What you must do is inquire within yourself about what's going on within you that attracts these type of people. Because honestly, we are carrying energy. Honestly, all of our energy is magnetic if we want to get on a metaphysical level. And you're attracting things to yourself that are like yourself. Everybody that listens to me is attracted to something that they see within themselves. So, yeah, I may be the voice for this thing, but the reality is my ideals, my perspective also live within you. My experience with these things, my ability to point out the truth about things, also lives within you. I may be the voice for it, but I attract you because we're attractive to each other. We're, we're like minded. We, you know, we're that, that magnet, that magnetism is just very present. I am you, you are me. And if you don't inquire about your ability for one to be honest about who and what you're attracting and your ability to be honest about the things that you've overlooked and the things that you. The red flags that you ignored out of codependence, the things that you let go out of, you know, idealizing potential, the things that you ignored out of hurt and pain and, you know, being used to being hurt and being used to being in pain and the comfort. With abusive dynamics in relationships, we all play a role even in our own demise. And it's not about victim blaming or alleviating predatory behavior. It's about the fact that it takes two to tango. Right? I'm never gonna make excuses for a man who's beating on a woman because that's the ultimate part of the culmination of those feelings, the culmination of those experiences. Whether you was abused or not, whether you was abused emotionally, physically, or sexually or not, it still does not give you the right to go out and abuse others, even though that is a path that most people take. But now you are creating victims, and I can't view you as a victim anymore because now you're perpetrating the behavior. So now we have to focus our attention on the victim of your behavior. And it most times is just trauma bonds. Most times it's just two victims getting together trying to alleviate that pain within one another. And oftentimes n can't dive to the emotional depth that's necessary to get over that hump where they don't have to talk with their hands, but they can actually talk with their hearts. And, you know, we see these dynamics often in lesbian relationships too. I know this from having several homegirls who had studs beat on them and shit like that. And it be a little bit more permissible because it's two women. But it's also the same dynamic of two hurt people getting together. And that one person talks with their hands and not their heart, and the other person is on the receiving end because they seen the darkest parts of this person, so they have empathy for them. And those dynamics aren't right, they're just a reality. But when you deal with her and you deal with pain and you deal with loss and betrayal, and then you get online and somebody is projecting their experiences with those things as expertise is just confirmation Bias. And you'll take everything they say as law, because that's what you feeling. And not only that, but now you playing with the algorithm. So now they're gonna send you more videos along that along that's in alignment with that thought process. And now you are caught up in the rapture of love, the rapture of hate.
