Grumpy SEO Guy – Episode 135: New Topics

Release Date: December 31, 2025
Host: Grumpy SEO Guy (A)

Episode Overview

In this candid, off-the-cuff episode, Grumpy SEO Guy provides a behind-the-scenes look at the podcast’s planning process, sharing thoughts on new potential topics based on listener requests and his own industry experience. With over 14 years in SEO, the host emphasizes hard truths about industry practices—especially the worthlessness of free SEO audits and common misconceptions about consulting, coaching, and advising. Throughout the episode, he interacts directly with his audience, inviting feedback and encouraging suggestions for future topics.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Podcast Housekeeping and Listener Appreciation

• The host records from a cell phone, acknowledging possible audio issues.
• Sincere gratitude is expressed to listeners; direct invitations are made for topic suggestions.
  • Quote [00:26]: “I really appreciate the listeners, and I really appreciate the email on the topic. If you email me, please check your junk folder.”

2. Challenges with Email Communication in SEO

• Emails about SEO often end up in spam folders due to keywords like "backlink" or "SEO."
  • Quote [00:38]: “If they see the word backlink or backlinks or SEO or whatever, they will filter the email as spam because it's probably spam.”
• The host urges listeners to check their spam folders for replies.

3. Preview of Future Episode Topics

• Calls for subject suggestions; mentions several possible upcoming topics:
  • Another episode on sales, specifically selling SEO services.
  • An episode tentatively titled “SEO audits are a waste of time (especially free SEO audits).”
  • Episodes responding to some of the “crazy questions” received from listeners.

4. The Worthlessness of Free SEO Audits

• Asserts, in true grumpy style, that free SEO audits are entirely useless.
  • Quote [02:46]: “If you want a free SEO audit, go to whatever search engine you enjoy. Type in ‘free SEO audit’, do a search. There you go. ... Now let me tell you why they’re worthless.”
• Main points:
  • Free audits use automated tools and generic templates.
  • They cannot provide actionable insights to actually get a site to the top of search engines.
  • Valuable SEO data always costs money; no one is giving away actionable data for free.
  • Quote [03:53]: “There is nothing in a free SEO audit that will help you get to the top of the search engines. ... Any information that does not directly result in you being able to get to the top ... is a waste of time because it’s not SEO.”

5. Rant: Word Definitions in the SEO Industry

• Advising, consulting, coaching, mentoring: these terms are used interchangeably, but each has a specific meaning.

  • Definitions [06:00 – 06:31]:
    • Advising: Paid to answer questions and tell people what to do.
    • Coaching: Paid to ask questions so you arrive at the answer yourself.
    • Consulting: Paid to do projects for someone.
    • Mentoring: Free teaching, often big-picture, teaching "the ropes."
  • Quote [06:40]: “So people... For example, people email me and they're like, do you do consulting? But ... what they really want to do is get on the phone with me and ask me questions.”

• Similarly, the terms “audit,” “assessment,” and “analysis” are blurred, but “audit” is often misused for tasks that don’t fit:

  • Quote [06:16]: “Technically, an audit is different from an assessment, which is different from an analysis, and so on. ... Paid or not, an audit is pretty worthless when it comes to SEO.”

6. Why Valuable SEO Data Isn't Free

• Good SEO data is behind paywalls because it’s expensive to acquire.
  • Quote [08:01]: “Any data that is helpful will cost money. ... The good SEO programs are expensive ... because that data is not free.”

7. Dealing with Prospects and Free Advice Seekers

• Insights from the host’s sales coach: Prospects typically run and hide, commit to nothing, lie, or are just gathering information.

  • Quote [08:37]: “My sales coach says that prospects do four things. He says: they run and hide, ... they commit to nothing, ... they lie, ... and they gather information.”

• SEO professionals are constantly asked for unpaid advice (“pick your brain”). The host is upfront about charging for his time.

  • Quote [10:05]: “Some of the questions... things that would take, like, hours or days of research to answer, they just casually, ‘Hey, here's my website. Here's my competitors. What do you think I should do to outrank them?’ Like, that question is going to take a week to answer.”

• Many potential clients disappear the moment they realize advice isn’t free.

  • Quote [11:00]: “As soon as I mention that, like, an advisory call, for example, costs money, I never hear from the person again. That's fine.”

• The host emphasizes the importance of valuing one’s time and expertise in the industry.

8. Requests for Further Listener Engagement

• The host reiterates his openness to topic suggestions and recaps the main points.
• Closes with well-wishes for the New Year.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Free SEO audits are worthless.” (Throughout, e.g., 03:05; 07:38)
• “If you want a free SEO audit, go to whatever search engine you enjoy. Type in ‘free SEO audit’... there you go. ... Now let me tell you why they’re worthless.” (03:07)
• On terminology abuse: “Technically, an audit is different from an assessment, which is different from an analysis, and so on. ... audit is pretty worthless when it comes to SEO.” (06:16)
• Re: prospects: “If you have not spent money with you, they are a prospect, okay? ... My sales coach says that prospects do four things: they run and hide, they commit to nothing, they lie, and they gather information.” (08:27-08:41)
• “Some of the questions... would take hours or days of research to answer, they just casually, ‘Hey, here’s my website, here’s my competitors, what do you think I should do to outrank them?’” (10:05)

Key Timestamps

• 00:01 – 01:00: Housekeeping, thank-yous, spam folder advice
• 01:00 – 02:20: Requests for topic suggestions; show planning
• 02:20 – 04:30: Critique of SEO audits, especially free ones
• 04:30 – 07:00: “Audit” vs. “Assessment” vs. “Analysis”; word definitions
• 07:00 – 08:30: Paid vs. free data in SEO; why free audits can never be valuable
• 08:30 – 11:20: Dealing with prospects, free advice seekers, value of time
• 11:20 – 12:03: Closing thoughts, engagement requests, Happy New Year

Summary

This episode distills Grumpy SEO Guy’s hard-earned skepticism and no-nonsense approach to SEO. He pulls back the curtain on common industry practices, especially the proliferation of valueless free SEO audits and confusion around professional roles. Listeners are urged to recognize the real worth of expert advice and the importance of distinguishing between free content and genuinely actionable insight. The episode closes with an open invitation for more listener-driven content and a reminder that meaningful SEO always comes at a price—because real results are never free.

If you want SEO advice that gets results, be ready to pay for a professional's time. And, as always, check your spam folder.