Hadley Presents: A Conversation with the Experts
Episode: Vision Loss and Marriage
Release Date: December 19, 2024
Host: Ricky Enger
Guests: Dr. Ann Wagner and Eric Ringham

Introduction

In this insightful episode of "Hadley Presents: A Conversation with the Experts," host Ricky Enger engages in a heartfelt discussion with Dr. Ann Wagner, a board-certified clinical psychologist who is legally blind due to retinitis pigmentosa, and her husband, Eric Ringham, a semi-retired journalist and actor. The conversation delves deep into the dynamics of marriage impacted by vision loss, exploring the challenges, strategies, emotions, and strengths that emerge within such relationships.

Understanding Dilemmas in Marriage

Defining Dilemmas

Dr. Ann Wagner introduces the concept of dilemmas as moments where partners are pulled to act on different values, leading to internal conflicts with no clear win-win outcomes.

Dr. Ann Wagner [02:14]: "I define a dilemma as a moment where the context of the situation we're in can call for or pull us to act on different values. And there's no win-win if we act on one, there's no way to act on the others."

Dilemmas in Their Marriage

Ann shares two primary dilemmas they face:

1. Unsolicited Help:

   • Ann's Perspective: Values self-sufficiency and independence.
   • Eric's Perspective: Values being of service and helping out, ingrained from his upbringing.

   Eric Ringham [05:26]: "If Ann should happen to say, oh God, I'm really thirsty, it is in my nature to jump up and go get her a glass of water."

   They coined the term "Help by Not Helping" to describe Eric's deliberate choice to refrain from offering unsolicited assistance, balancing his desire to help with Ann's need for independence.

2. Requesting Help When Eric is Busy:

   • Ann's Dilemma: Whether to ask for help, valuing the task’s importance, or refrain to honor Eric's time and commitments.
   • Eric's Dilemma: Whether to assist immediately or ask Ann to wait, respecting her understanding of his busyness.

   Ann Wagner [11:54]: "I ask you to wait, because his needs and wants for the day and his time matter, and they matter to me."

   They use phrases like "Can I eat my pie?" to signal busy moments, allowing them to communicate effectively without misunderstandings.

Communication Strategies

Naming Their Patterns

Ann explains that naming their communication patterns has been pivotal in managing their dilemmas. This approach helps them validate each other's feelings and maintain connection.

Dr. Ann Wagner [09:58]: "Once you understand the values, it's so much easier to just validate that."

Examples of Their Communication

1. "Can I Eat My Pie?"

   • Indicates Eric is busy, and Ann can wait for his assistance without feeling neglected.

2. "You're Crashing My Computer"

   • Used when Ann feels overwhelmed by too many tasks or verbal instructions, signaling Eric to give her space.

   Dr. Ann Wagner [13:56]: "This is when he has already offered help that I didn't ask for. We can both use that word if you say you're thirsty and help by not helping."

These phrases allow the couple to navigate daily interactions smoothly, reinforcing mutual respect and understanding.

Grief and Emotional Challenges

Eric's Experience with Grief

Eric shares his grief associated with Ann’s progressive vision loss, highlighting the emotional toll of watching a loved one lose their sight.

Eric Ringham [16:25]: "I do feel grief on a couple of levels with her because it's hard to watch someone you love going through this progressive vision loss."

Validating Feelings

Dr. Ann Wagner emphasizes the importance of validating one's emotions related to grief and loss, encouraging individuals to recognize and honor their feelings without guilt.

Dr. Ann Wagner [21:12]: "If you're feeling it, it's real, and it's trying to tell you what you care about."

Shared Stories and Belongingness

Ann highlights the human need for shared experiences and stories as a means of fostering belongingness and connectedness, which are essential for emotional well-being.

Dr. Ann Wagner [25:17]: "We are social creatures, and our stories matter and our experiences matter."

Humor and Connection

Embracing Humor

The couple leverages humor to navigate the complexities of vision loss, turning challenging moments into opportunities for laughter and bonding.

Eric Ringham [22:15]: "On a scale of 1 to 10, about 11 or 12. We take great pride in being able to embrace the sheer physical comedy that we sometimes get involved in."

Shared Anecdotes

1. The Full Moon Incident [17:24]:

   • Eric's excitement about a full moon contrasts with Ann’s limited ability to appreciate it, leading to a humorous exchange.

2. Pie and Shopping Mishaps:

   • Misunderstandings during everyday activities, like pie consumption and grocery shopping, become lighthearted moments that strengthen their bond.

Dr. Ann Wagner [22:30]: "There are so many, and they happen almost every day."

These shared laughs not only alleviate stress but also reinforce their partnership, making each challenge a shared experience rather than a solitary struggle.

Advice to Listeners

Validating Emotions

Dr. Ann Wagner encourages listeners to validate their own emotions regarding their partner’s vision loss, emphasizing that feeling sadness or grief is natural and important.

Dr. Ann Wagner [21:12]: "We have permission to experience it, to talk with it."

Embracing Each Other’s Strengths

Eric points out that recognizing and valuing each partner’s unique strengths fosters a balanced and supportive relationship.

Eric Ringham [22:15]: "Each partner brings certain skills and lacks certain skills. And Ann is good at showing up with psychological expertise and showing people loving kindness and warmth and support."

Authentic Communication

Honest and vulnerable communication is highlighted as a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, fostering trust and deepening connections.

Dr. Ann Wagner [26:17]: "When I can be real and authentic… it's just a beautiful feeling and it's revitalizing or it just. It's healthy."

Conclusion

In "Vision Loss and Marriage," Dr. Ann Wagner and Eric Ringham offer a profound exploration of how vision loss impacts marital relationships. Through shared understanding, effective communication strategies, emotional validation, and humor, they demonstrate resilience and deep love. Their conversation serves as a valuable guide for couples navigating similar challenges, emphasizing the importance of empathy, mutual respect, and authentic connection.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Ann Wagner [02:14]: "There's no win-win if we act on one, there's no way to act on the others."
• Eric Ringham [05:26]: "If Ann should happen to say, oh God, I'm really thirsty, it is in my nature to jump up and go get her a glass of water."
• Dr. Ann Wagner [09:58]: "Once you understand the values, it's so much easier to just validate that."
• Eric Ringham [16:25]: "It's hard to watch someone you love going through this progressive vision loss."
• Dr. Ann Wagner [21:12]: "If you're feeling it, it's real, and it's trying to tell you what you care about."
• Eric Ringham [22:15]: "We take great pride in being able to embrace the sheer physical comedy."
• Dr. Ann Wagner [26:17]: "It's just a beautiful feeling and it's revitalizing or it just. It's healthy."

For more insights and stories from experts on vision loss, tune into Hadley Presents: A Conversation with the Experts. If you have ideas for future episodes or want to share your thoughts, contact Hadley at podcast@HadleyHelps.org or call 847-784-2870.