B (2:15)

But I wait, remind me, have you always enjoyed a Apple Crisp? Well. Oh, is it Honey Crisp? Honey Crisp.

A (2:24)

Honey Crisp. And when I. I was getting groceries, and I usually go, fuji. And then I had your voice in my ear going, may, Honey Crisp. You're classic. When you really want me to absorb a piece of, like, yeah, you go, may, let me tell you. Honey Crisp. And I was like, I'm doing it, and they're delicious. They're so sweet.

B (2:43)

They're unreal. And so crisp.

A (2:46)

Yeah.

B (2:46)

So crisp. Well, good. We just got. We got five new Honey Crisps here.

A (2:51)

At the Notaro Alle, so an abundance of riches.

B (2:57)

Well, you would think, except Max and Finn eat apples all the time. So that'll last us about until tomorrow.

C (3:06)

Yeah.

B (3:06)

Yeah. They'll be gone.

A (3:08)

I. I've been. I mean, maybe I would talk about this on a full episode as well, but, you know, I failed my driving test.

B (3:16)

You did?

A (3:17)

I did. Tig and Mary. I know. And I am so annoyed at myself for telling everyone in the world on the podcast the date of the test, telling everyone in my life. And everyone is saying to me, there is no way you're gonna fail. This is. And it's the easiest DMV in la. It's like, I don't even have to parallel park, and I fucking failed.

B (3:40)

What did you fail?

A (3:43)

Well, so the problem started with my driving instructor, who's 75, and he. We're. We're at the DMV, and he likes to chat. And I'm lined up, waiting, like, I'm about 20 minutes away from taking the test, and he's showing me on his phone this movie that he was in as an actor in 1975 called Mussolini's Last Act. And so I'm. I'm kind of trying to focus. I'm like, okay, so what are they going to test me on again? He's like, I have a line coming up. I'm about to arrest Mussolini. And then.

B (4:16)

No.

A (4:17)

Yeah. And in the movie, they've edited in, like, real footage of the Second World War and Mussolini's execution. So I'm looking at real dead bodies. I'm about to do the test, and I was going, robert, I can't do this right now. He was like, all right, all right. Well, just wait here. I'm coming up again. You can. That's me there.

B (4:32)

No Robert.

A (4:34)

So then it's.

B (4:35)

So it's Robert's fault?

A (4:37)

Well, he's my. I'm not going to blame Robert. It was.

B (4:40)

Oh, I was.

A (4:41)

I am going to blame someone else.

B (4:43)

You can't show somebody a dead body and then expect them to parallel park.

A (4:47)

Thank you.

B (4:48)

You're welcome.

A (4:49)

So my. My examinator comes. Robert gets out of the car, examinator gets in.

B (4:54)

Examinator.

A (4:55)

Is that a word? I don't think that's a word.

B (4:59)

That sounds very Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A (5:03)

Examinator. Yeah, the tester.

B (5:08)

The examinator. Thomas, please help us. I feel like you're just leaving us wondering, watching us. Examiner.

A (5:15)

Examiner.

B (5:16)

Examiner. Oh, I like examinator. Yeah, that's better.

A (5:22)

So I'm, like, visibly nervous and shaky, and it's like all my skills just go out the window. But I I was doing really well, and everything was good until I turn on. He says, turn right. I turn onto, like, a bigger street. And almost immediately went off a cliff. Yeah. And almost immediately I go off a cliff. I crawl out of the wreckage. So I turn. He says, merge left. I do my checks. I look in the mirror. There's no one behind me. And I guess I sort of slowed down a bit. But in the time that it took me to turn from my blind spot and then I started merging, someone pulled out behind me and. And went into the left lane and accelerated, and I almost hit them. And the guy. The examinator, had to grab my wheel.

B (6:08)

And May, you need to stay home. This doesn't sound safe for anybody.

A (6:13)

I think it was. My reaction to an unsafe driver was not. I was.

B (6:18)

Well, I was going to say out of the gate, whether you're taking your test or you're just a person trying to get from point A to point B. Being nervous and shaky driving.

A (6:29)

Yeah.

B (6:30)

It's probably not going to go well.

A (6:33)

I know. And I was like. And I kept saying to him, I'm so nervous, which didn't help. And. And then after that happened, so it was like a big, dramatic. Like, he grabbed the wheel, and I went, whoa. And I went, oh, never done that before. I don't usually have that happen. And then I. The whole rest of the test, I was like, am I gonna fail? I'm gonna fail this, surely. And then we get back, and he goes, so that was an immediate disqualification. And I just start bawling in the car. I start crying. And then old Robert gets back in the car. He's going, hey, you passed. He definitely passed, Right. And he said, I've. I said, no, Robert, I failed. And he said, well, I've only had two people ever fail. I've been teaching driving for 40 years. And I said, oh, cool. He said, two people. You and you and one other person who didn't get their driver's license. And I said, well, what happened to him? And he said, well, he passed away before he could take the test.

B (7:29)

Oh, you're the only surviving failure.

A (7:32)

Yes.

B (7:33)

Oh, my God. Well, that's something to celebrate. You're surviving.

A (7:38)

I'm surviving out here, and it's hard out here.

B (7:41)

It did deliver you a wonderful story.

A (7:45)

That's true.

B (7:45)

So there's that.

A (7:46)

I'm retaking it on Christmas Eve.

B (7:49)

You know what should probably happen is me, Fortune, and Thomas should probably be in the car with you during the test. Yes. And be like, turn, turn, turn, honk. Who's that. Slow down. Well, I have faith that you'll. You'll get it this time around.

A (8:04)

I'll be way less nervous now.

B (8:07)

Did you have, like, all of those signs that say, like, student driver all over the car and.

A (8:13)

Yes, this, that would be such a.

B (8:15)

Delight to see go past is May Martin swerving driving a car. Oh, my God. To see student driver go off a cliff. Anyway.

A (8:26)

God, I just wish I hadn't told everyone in my life because everyone was going, it is a piece of piss in la. This is no problem. You got this. And then I. I had everyone texting me, and I got people on Instagram who listen to the pod going, let's see the license.

B (8:44)

I think it's great. And also piece of piss. I've never heard that.

A (8:49)

Yeah. British.

B (8:50)

Yes. Yes.

A (8:52)

Yeah, piece of piss. I like that one.

B (8:54)

I've learned a couple of things from the cadets on the Starfleet Academy that I'm on.

A (9:01)

Yeah?

B (9:02)

Yeah. Because they're a lot younger and they use certain terms where I'm like, wait, I'm sorry, what did you say? Um, one of the things I learned, which I'm sure you've heard, because I'm just sure, is baddie. Have you heard not like somebody's cuckoo baddie, but like. Like B, A, D, D, I, E or B, A, D, D, Y. Have you heard of that?

A (9:26)

Like, yeah, like a badass. It's like, oh, you're a. Yeah. Oh, they're a baddie. Not like a. Not actually bad, but very cool.

B (9:35)

Like hot and cool.

A (9:36)

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Oh, do you like that?

B (9:40)

I. Sure, it's fine. I don't feel one way or the other. I was just like. When Stephanie and I were going to bed last night, as we were dozing off, I said, have you. Have you heard of baddy? And she was like, yeah, but she meant baddie, like cuckoo.

A (9:56)

Like an old lady who says, hello, little girl.

B (9:59)

Hello. Hello, little girl. I know you, little girl. Meanwhile, I have gray hair and yellow teeth and wrinkles, but, yes, it's me, little, tiny, little, tiny Tig.

A (10:13)

Okay, I know you, too, Baddie.

B (10:16)

Old baddie, old bat, old baddie. Anyway, well, you're gonna do it, kid.

A (10:21)

Thanks. I've been practicing every day since the test, and I'm really no just focusing on merging.

B (10:27)

Should we get into questions since that's why we've met up today?

A (10:32)

Yeah, let's do it.

B (10:33)

Yeah.

D (10:33)

Hey, handsome. This is Hannah. I have an advice question for you because you said that you love those, so what would you do if you have that are dating and one of them is cheating on the other. For context, they're Both in their mid-30s, they've been dating for like five years, and they're about to move in together. And it was not a one time cheat. It's been consistent for like nine months with someone who's around a lot.

B (10:58)

Whoa.

A (10:59)

Listen.

C (11:05)

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that. I took off my souvenir rodeo belt before going through airport security. Major error in judgment. All that beeping is going to scare off the cattle.

B (11:20)

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote. That could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

A (11:39)

As someone who's been cheated on and I, I say. You say to the cheater, if you don't tell your partner, I'm going to tell them in one week. So I'd say you got one week to do this before I, I tell them. Because you're.

B (11:53)

Have you ever had to do that?

A (11:56)

No, actually, yeah. And I've. I've cheated on people too, but not when I'm like about to move in with someone. And like, like sometimes at the end of a relationship that gets a little messy crossover when you're sort of one foot out the door. But man, when you're about to embark on a big life step, that's such a choice.

B (12:18)

Yeah. I'm in a similar but not exact situation where, oh, my God. Somebody that I've drifted from. I know that her very best friend is talking out of both sides of her mouth and has said some not great things about this person in like a. In a really interesting way.

A (12:49)

Interesting. Okay.

B (12:50)

Yeah. Yeah.

A (12:51)

That's so complicated because you, you drifted from the original person. So is there anything that the best friend is saying? That even though you're morally like, this is gross. That you're talking, you're like, I do concurrent.

B (13:05)

Oh, I do concur. But the best friend is not acting. Not acting like they have those feelings or thoughts or have said anything disparaging at all. And I'm like, wow, wow.

A (13:20)

But what a weirdly, like, out of alignment way to be living like. Yeah. So would you. Are you gonna say something to the friend?

B (13:29)

I've thought about reaching out to the friend and just saying, you know, I feel like you've confided in me and your actions don't line up. With what you've shared with me.

D (13:44)

Yeah.

B (13:44)

And what do you say about that? Yeah, you know, I. I have it written out already. It's just. When do I press send? Yeah.

A (13:54)

Oh, my God.

B (13:56)

Yeah. It's a complicated thing, but I do. I do think it's worth handling.

A (14:03)

I do, too. I. Yeah. When I lived in England and I. I was dating, like, a closeted person for three and a half years, and we were in our 20s, and everybody's a mess in their 20s, and our friend group was all a mess, and, you know, so I don't hold on to it, but when I look back, I think everyone knew that we were together, and no one called her out on it. No one privately said, hey, we know you're with May. And this is weird. Like, yeah, everyone just was too polite, too. Like, it's not my business. And I think it's worth calling people out.

B (14:37)

It also feels like something you can't ride to the end, but you have to make the attempt because when you think about, would I want that for myself, I most certainly would. And. And so I just mean, like, you. I don't know if it's a world where you can continue to follow up with that person and say, you gotta make things right, you know, But I think you can put in your. Your best attempt. And. And if that doesn't work, then you might have to move on to the direct.

D (15:14)

Yeah.

B (15:15)

Victim, I guess.

A (15:17)

Always weighing up, like, how much drama in my own life is this gonna cause and is it, you know, is there a way to mitigate that?

B (15:25)

You could also sneak in a question around that person of, like, you know, I feel like most people would say, yeah, I'd want to know the truth, but, like, at least get that information.

A (15:38)

Yeah.

B (15:39)

You know?

A (15:39)

Yeah. Like. Or even make it about you. Like, be like, I would always want to know.

B (15:44)

Yeah.

C (15:45)

You.

B (15:46)

Yeah. Yeah. Good luck, Hannah.

A (15:50)

For the record, if you ever. You got to just tell me and call me out of my shit, I'll do the same.

B (15:58)

So you'd want to know.

A (15:59)

I'd want to know if I was being cheated on or. Or talked about. Yeah.

B (16:03)

Yeah.

A (16:04)

I think.

B (16:04)

And look, people, I think it's fair. You can, you know, let off steam and complain about somebody or whatever that's part of. Yeah. It's like when I hire somebody, when I'm like, look, I'm going to annoy you to know, and you're going to annoy me, and I'm, you know, but.

A (16:23)

I'm not going to, like, like, slander your character.

B (16:27)

Yeah. If I do, it'll be privately to my wife.

A (16:30)

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I have my. My two best friends, Gabby and Nicole. Like, we. Our whole. We've been best friends since we were 13, and our whole friendship is like, if I'm with Gabby, we're talking about Nicole. If I'm with Nicole, we're talking about Gabby. When they're together, they're talking about me. But it's all. With so much love. But it's like.

B (16:49)

It's like people are going to talk about you. But. Yeah.

C (16:53)

Anyway.

B (16:54)

Well, let's hear what Hannah. Hannah has to say.

A (16:56)

Yeah.

D (16:57)

So to answer this question, I mean, I haven't decided what to do, but part of me wants to give him an ultimatum and say, listen, you got to tell your partner before she moves in, before she uproots her life from her neighborhood, and you got to tell her or I will.

B (17:11)

Yeah.

D (17:12)

But also, the easier route is to do nothing. But the secret's weighing on me. Anyways, I'm excited to hear your response. Thank you.

B (17:21)

See, that's why it's not the easier route, because it's weighing on her.

A (17:24)

Yeah.

B (17:25)

It is not the easier route.

A (17:27)

Yeah. And, oh, my God, what. It's not going to stop here. Like, what happens two years in and they're getting married.

B (17:35)

Yeah. They invite you over for dinner or something. You're going to sit there with them. Like. Like, it just. It's not easier. Anyway.

A (17:44)

Yeah.

B (17:45)

And obviously, every situation is different and people can chime in and be like, well, I did this and this happened. This is just a general sense. Like, it's just not going to get easier if. If that's going on.

A (17:57)

I mean, if you're really worried about your friendship with this guy, then you could do an anonymous thing. You could say, I'm. I'm like a concerned party and you need to. Yeah. You could just write a note that says, I know what you did last summer.

B (18:13)

I actually just came up with the best fix.

A (18:15)

Oh, hit me.

B (18:17)

Let your friend hear this episode.

A (18:20)

Yes. Oh, God. And maybe we'll disguise the voice so it's.

B (18:27)

Yeah.

A (18:28)

Should we hear. Do we have time for one more?

B (18:30)

Yeah, let's do it.

A (18:31)

Let's do a little guy.

E (18:32)

Hi, my name is Mara. I'm a pretty little lady outside Washington, D.C. and I was calling to ask for some advice. I am coming out of one of the hardest years I have had in the last 20 years, and I know all three of you have had, like, famously very difficult stretches. So the advice I am hoping for is, what do you do to mark for yourself that you're done. Like, that you have gotten through something and that you can move on. Thank you.

A (19:13)

Great question, I think.

B (19:15)

What do you have to say?

A (19:17)

Well, I kind of think the moment, you know you're done is when rather than, like, you know, a new horrible surprise, like, ripping you apart, it is comical to you because there's just. You've famously had that feeling of like, are you kidding me? And I think that shows you've reached a point of real resilience. But then in terms of marking it, well, I always feel like that's tempting fate, because then other bad stuff could happen. So rather than be like, I'm finished having calamity and being sad, I just think just every moment, remember it's. You could completely. Everything could change in a moment in a positive way. Like, just trying to maybe get a tattoo. I don't know.

B (20:00)

Yeah. Get a hot dog on your nose.

A (20:02)

Yeah.

B (20:03)

But. Yeah, I don't know if this is really great, but, you know, I know for myself, I used to. I'd have PTSD on. Every year that came up, I'd be like, this is when I first started to feel off. This is when this happened. This is when I got the call about this. This is when I got this call. This is when I was in the. But, you know, it just was like. Because it was such a short period of time, I kept, like, I could tell you every day, every moment, every month that everything happened, and then it was really wild. Where kind of the best and biggest marker was when I wasn't marking anything anymore.

A (20:49)

Oh, that's so nice.

B (20:51)

Where I was like, I got through March and April and May and June, and I just. I was like. I didn't even. I didn't even remember.

A (21:02)

Yeah.

B (21:02)

Like, I. You know, it just. It was such a freeing feeling. And. And I. I carry that with me every year. It's like, those months are coming. You know, March was the last time I felt even remotely normal. And then. And because my birthday is in March, it was a little bit of a bummer because my mother died a couple days later, and it just was heavy. And now I'm like, how about that? I'm not marking anything. I'm just going along. Yeah. So that not marking anymore was the biggest marker that I could hope for.

A (21:44)

That's really true. And when you're not counting days, like, how long it's been since. And when you start. I mean, this is different to, like, a health thing or. But for me, it's usually a Big breakup or something like when you finally get bored of yourself talking about it. And I, I'm really investing also in. And this is probably shitty for the friends who've counseled me all through this, but I'm, I'm like, I want to also spend time with people who are not inside this situation or who are. You know what I mean? And I'm talking about fresh things or just. Yeah.

B (22:21)

And I don't know if it was you or the podcast or a friend, but, you know, it's also so helpful when you. It sounds cliche, but it's true. But when you help other people, when you're feeling terrible. 100% unreal what that does. Yeah, unreal.

A (22:41)

And I'm so lucky. I love my job. So, like, like, I did like a charity show at Largo the other night for the LA Mission. It was just like, oh, yeah, there's. Yeah.

B (22:50)

Yeah. So when you turn the attention away from yourself and try and help others, especially in those moments, it kind of gives you that perspective and clarity.

A (23:02)

And that's especially around the holidays, too. So many people are struggling. Get out there and you can volunteer or jingle your bells Jingle your little bells around the town yeah, yeah, yeah. This was a really. This. I felt like I needed this today. This was a really nice little episode. Thanks, Tig.

B (23:23)

Yeah, thank you, May. Thanks, Thomas.

A (23:25)

Thomas.

B (23:26)

Thanks, listeners.

D (23:27)

May.

A (23:28)

Thanks, Tig. I am getting ready for this tour, this big Tour that's like 47 shows now, so there's still tickets. That's. It's selling fast, though. But I particularly need to sell tickets in Houston. February 27th, I'm in Houston at Cullen Performance hall and Dallas as well. So check out maymartin.net come see me. I'm going to be doing stand up. I might do a couple songs and I might have an improviser with me and do some improv. It's going to be a whole evening of ridiculousness.

B (24:03)

Amazing.

A (24:03)

Yeah. How about you?

B (24:05)

I'm going on my tour in the new year and gosh, where will I be? February 20th, Oklahoma City. I will also be in Midland, Texas. February 21st, Texas folk, come on out. You can also catch me in on March 12, Charleston, West Virginia. March 14, Chattanooga, Tennessee. And there's so many other dates. April 26, Red Bank, New Jersey. Go to tignotaro.com Also, if you still haven't seen Come See Me in the Good Light. It is the documentary about Andrea Gibson and Meg, folks on Apple tv.

A (24:45)

And keep submitting your questions to us and your request for advice I liked that to speakpipe.com handsomepod and yeah, until.

B (24:54)

Rate and review rate and review and and subscribe. Also check out my YouTube. Yeah please until next time, keep it. Keep it pretty.

C (25:06)

Handsome Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wuelette. Email us@handomepodgmail.com and follow us on social media at Handsome Pod what a podcast.

A (25:26)

What a podcast that was a hit gum podcast.

B (25:33)

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking for dust bunnies under the guest bed. Regrettable. When your highly meticulous family member comes to visit you, you want to up your tidiness game as much as you can.

C (25:51)

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.