← Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Ep. 534: Recognize Your Exceptional Advantage, Don’t Be Fooled by Familiarity & an Empty-Nest Question
00:30:23
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- [00:01]
Gretchen Rubin
Gretch May is just such a time of celebrations. And I know for us when we're gonna host a celebration or take something to a celebration, I always go to Whole Foods Market.
- [00:13]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes, Whole Foods Market helps you save on everything you need with the quality and ingredient standards that we expect. One thing we love to do in the summer is grill and the house brand of Whole foods market through $3.65 by Whole Foods Market has all the essential at daily low prices that you need for the summer. Save on May celebrations with great everyday prices. At Whole Foods Market, guess what?
- [00:39]
Unknown
Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. You heard right, 99%. If you don't think so, maybe it's time to face facts. You're stuck in the past. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen report. Learn more at discover.com credit card.
- [01:00]
Gretchen Rubin
Lemonada.
- [01:10]
Elizabeth Craft
Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast that gives you strategies and tips for how to build happier habits into your daily life. This week we'll talk about why it's useful to consider your exceptional advantage. And I have a Know yourself Better question that arose out of my thinking about the open door, AKA empty nest stage of life. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, secrets of adulthood, human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Craft. And on this know yourself better question, Elizabeth, you and I have the same answer.
- [01:47]
Gretchen Rubin
That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la and Gretch. We often have the same answers, I've noticed.
- [01:55]
Elizabeth Craft
We do, we do. Maybe that's why we get along so well. But before we jump into this week's Try this at Home first, we have a few updates.
- [02:03]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, Marie said. I thought you'd appreciate this little life hack I made for myself recently. I am on a 400 plus day streak with the New York Times Crosswords. After nearly two decades of never more than a five longest maximum streak, I finally decided I'd try committing and seeing how long I could go. And now here I am. I'm pretty chuffed. However, I have struggled in general with committing to working out regularly my entire life. And then I had a recent epiphany. Since the crossword takes 10 minutes to one hour daily, increasing in the time needed from Monday to Sunday, it occurred to me that there was no reason I couldn't commit at least 10 minutes a day to a few weights at home at the same time. So that's what I'M doing and it's getting easier because 10 plus minutes is is in fact not that bad. No other line of reasoning helped me to convince myself I could do this until the crossword streak. It's funny how habit building can come from resilience in other silos in your life.
- [03:03]
Elizabeth Craft
That's absolutely true. That's a that's a great point. And it's a great example of how somebody put this into practice. And it's just funny to me how sometimes people have these mental connections that are very idiosyncratic but extremely powerful. So I always like when people offer them up because I It seems like it's probably likely that it will strike a chord with at least a few few people and unlock the same solution for them.
- [03:25]
Gretchen Rubin
And then Emma said I wanted to share something I've started called Mindful Mondays. With all the things going on in the world today in our communities, it can seem overwhelming at times and easy to think there's nothing I can do about it. So, similar to your approach for Make Time to Worry, I now have Mindful Mondays. This is when I take the time to take action about something. It could be sending an email to a politician asking how they plan on addressing or fixing XYZ issue if they're elected, sharing a post from an organization that is doing great things in the community, providing positive feedback to a business, or donating to or supporting a cause. The key is to always be kind, respectful, and to bear in mind. If this communication were shared, would I be okay with my partner, children, parents, colleagues seeing it? I think too many people jump on to comments on social media posts or message people, but use hurtful and disrespectful language. If I see something that fires me up or frustrates me, I add it to my list because lists are awesome. Let it sit and wait until Monday. This also helps take the emotional response out of it. It could even be extended to picking up litter or doing a small act of kindness for a neighbor, like bringing in their bins. Small things. But it makes me feel like I'm helping to contribute and trying to make our community a better and safer place for everyone.
- [04:48]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, I love this idea, love the alliteration, Mindful Mondays and Elizabeth, this reminds me of Empower Hour. This is the idea that you can take an hour every week and do something like this to put your values into the world. So again, there are different ways to approach the same aim, which is how do I make sure that something that can happen at any time is often done at no Time. That's one of my secrets of adulthood. So you could do it on Monday. You can do Empower Hour. There are different ways to make sure that this action doesn't constantly fall to the bottom of the list and then never get done.
- [05:20]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. Well, you know, I love a name for something. Gretch.
- [05:23]
Elizabeth Craft
You love a name for something. Well, this week's Try this at Home is to consider your exceptional advantage.
- [05:30]
Gretchen Rubin
So explain what this means.
- [05:32]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, in the work setting, you sometimes hear people talk about their unfair advantage. And, Elizabeth, you and I have often talked about one specific example of an unfair advantage that both made a big, deep impression in both of us.
- [05:45]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. When Alex Bloomberg, who was a podcaster, started his network called Gimlet, he talked about how his unfair advantage was that he had been podcasting for so long.
- [05:57]
Elizabeth Craft
Right at that time, not that many people had made a podcast. And so it was really an unfair advantage. He called it an unfair advantage. If you were going to invest in his company, what was the thing that made him more likely to succeed? Why did he have a jump on all of his competitors? And this. We can also think about this in personal life, but I think it's not really, at least the way we're thinking of it. It's not really that it's unfair. It's more like it's idiosyncratic or it's exceptional. It's something that we have. It's an advantage or some opportunity or possibility that we have that the general run of people does not have.
- [06:34]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes.
- [06:35]
Elizabeth Craft
Often we assume that, okay, there are these limitations that are generally applicable, and we act as though they also apply to us when in fact, they don't apply to us. Sometimes we are the exception. For some reason, we have an exceptional advantage. I mean, for me, listen, I will say an exceptional advantage I have, speaking of podcasts, is when I was getting ready to start the podcast, they said, hey, often people make a better podcast when it's two people. When there's a conversation instead of just one person doing it. Is there anybody in your life who you think would make a good co host? And I was like, actually, I have an exceptional advantage in that I have an extremely creative, brilliant, funny sister who I would love to have a podcast with, and I think that I can convince to do it. So thank you. That was an exceptional advantage that I have. Not everybody had that, but I did.
- [07:26]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, I appreciate that, Gretch. Mightily.
- [07:29]
Elizabeth Craft
Here's another example. This is a really a lovely example. So a friend of mine at the age of 50 decided that he always loved France and he decided that he was going to learn to speak French. And he had French friends who, I forget where they live in France, but they had a little pied a terre in Paris that they didn't use all that often. So they worked out a deal. My friend could use that apartment anytime he wanted. He could stay in there as much time as he liked. But if they wanted to use it, he had to clear out. Fair enough. And instead of paying rent, it was like anything annoying that had to be done, he did it. So if the painters had to come and paint something or the cable wasn't working and you had to call the repair guy or whatever it is, he would do it. So he was sort of on the spot taking care of the apartment so that they didn't have to worry about those things. So, of course they're delighted because they have a house sitter who's highly competent in fixing everything up. He's delighted because he's got this rent free place to stay in Paris. He's got a beautiful one bedroom here in New York City, which he keeps and he goes back and forth. And now he sort of has a double life. He has got his life in New York City, he's got his life in France. He has a life where he speaks French. He's got a whole bunch of French friends and a French boyfriend. He's a guy who had two exceptional advantages. One, he must be pretty good at languages because he did learn to speak French pretty quickly. I think he said he took it in high school, but not seriously. And he happened to have these friends in Paris who were willing to make a deal with him. But the fact is, maybe that wouldn't have occurred to him to ask or to figure out if something like this could be worked out. Sometimes you have to recognize that you have an exceptional advantage they don't necessarily present to you with, like, sirens going off, hey, take advantage of this. You may have to spot it.
- [09:12]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, well, and it's because whatever's in our life seems normal. It becomes the wallpaper. Yes, but to somebody else, it can seem exceptional. I mean, look, Gretch, speaking of pieta terre, I have an exceptional advantage in that I have a sister who lives in New York City, so I can visit whenever I want and not have to pay for a hotel, which is a huge savings. It makes me come to New York a lot more than I would otherwise. And it's, you know, my favorite place.
- [09:39]
Elizabeth Craft
And I have a pied a terre in Los Angeles.
- [09:42]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, true.
- [09:43]
Elizabeth Craft
And so sometimes you have to say to yourself, well, how can I take advantage of this, given that I have this, what might I do with it? Instead of, as you say, letting it fade into the background of your life.
- [09:52]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah. And it's funny, when you look back on your life and think about these exceptional advantages, no matter where you are in life, you can find them in your life. So I think of everyone from, like Bill Gates, who had an exceptional advantage in that he was in a community where he had access to a lot of computers from a very young age and was able to spend as much time on them as he wanted to. Like the person who. Whose parents maybe worked a graveyard shift and they were home alone and watched a lot of late night TV and then went on to get a job on Saturday Night Live, you know, and had they not had that time alone without their parents making them turn the light out, they may not have developed those skills.
- [10:35]
Elizabeth Craft
Alyssa, I will never forget the time that you said to me, very sincerely, you were like, gosh, I just wish I'd watched more television growing up.
- [10:42]
Gretchen Rubin
It's true.
- [10:43]
Elizabeth Craft
Would've been a career advantage. But the thing is. Yeah. Sometimes in retrospect, you realize, oh, wow, this person had this advantage. It's not necessarily clear at the time. It really helps to look around and see what might you have that could present as an exceptional advantage. And also, some things might seem like there's a downside, but there is also an upside. Like, there's a lot of downsides, maybe that you're home alone, but there is the advantage of the watching tv. So it's interesting to look at your experience through that lens of the double lens.
- [11:13]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. And I think about this in my life, Gretchen, with, like, having one child, there are a lot of disadvantages to having one child. I wanted to theoretically have more than one child, but with having only one, I spend a lot less time driving, which means I have more time to exercise. I only have to worry about one child's worth of problems and one child's worth of clothes and all of that. So there are advantages, and I try to reframe it as an advantage as opposed to dwelling on why it's not an advantage.
- [11:47]
Elizabeth Craft
The thing that. Why it's really worth stopping to think about it is that you might think in the abstract, well, if somebody's got an exceptional advantage, obviously they're going to notice it because it's exceptional. But as you say, it really fades into the wallpaper of your life. So for Life in Five Senses, I made that decision. I was going to go to the Met every single day for a year, and I've been doing it ever since because I love going to the Met every single day. And people will say to me, like, well, yeah, I mean, live within walking distance of the Met. And I absolutely take that point. I'm extraordinarily fortun that I live within walking distance of the Met. I never take that for granted. But here's the thing. I had lived within walking distance of the Met for years, and I almost never went. I didn't think to myself, oh, I really have this exceptional advantage in that I live so close to the Met. Or, like, another thing that I was thinking is we live very close to the crosstown bus, the 79th street crosstown bus. I rarely end up going to the Upper west side, But I was thinking, for some people, this would be the whole reason that they would want to live in our apartment, because they're like, oh, this is amazing. It's right on the crosstown bus. And so it's like, an exceptional advantage that isn't an advantage to us. But maybe I should think about how it should be an advantage. Maybe instead of going to the Met, I should go to the Museum of Natural History, and I would just jump on that bus and zip over, because it's something that I can avail myself of, but that I haven't availed myself of.
- [13:03]
Gretchen Rubin
It's funny, Gretch, because ever since you started going to the Met, every day you'll allude to, I can't believe I didn't used to do this. Oh, my gosh, now I'm so close. What was I thinking? But there are thousands of people who live within walking distance of the Met, and maybe don't even go once a.
- [13:18]
Elizabeth Craft
Year or a park or the beach. There's a lot of things where. Cause again, it's coming back to this idea of the wallpaper. It seems normal to you, and you don't think about, like, oh, you know, it could be something like, you have a great singing voice, or you have a roomy backyard, or you're really good at reading and writing, or you're really good at taking pictures, or you love making memento videos. We often think that what we're good at isn't very special, so you have to really step back and say, oh, it is an exceptional advantage.
- [13:47]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah. So you can use this, especially in a work setting, if you're pitching yourself to someone else, but also to pitch something to yourself when you're looking at your life and wanting to reframe your life in a more positive way. Looking for these things can help.
- [14:04]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah, it's really a different way to think about your unusual blessings or gifts. You know, to say this is unusual. What will I do with this?
- [14:13]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, and it can change. If you move, then you have a different exceptional advantage. If you lived on the Lower west side, you know it'd be different.
- [14:22]
Elizabeth Craft
But the fact is, often it's only when you lose something that you realize, like you move to an apartment and you're like, oh my gosh, for years we had that roomy backyard. I've always wanted to have neighborhood barbecues. Why weren't we doing that all along when we had that big backyard where we could have had 30 people easily? Now we can't do it. What was I thinking? Often you don't notice it. Now it's over.
- [14:42]
Gretchen Rubin
Very true. Very true.
- [14:44]
Elizabeth Craft
So let us know if you do try this at home and how thinking about your exceptional advantage works for you. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an email@podcastretchenrubin.com it will be so interesting and I think probably inspiring to other people to hear about people's exceptional advantages. And as always, you can go to the show notes this is happiercast.com534 for everything related to this episode.
- [15:08]
Gretchen Rubin
Coming up, we have a very practical happiness hack. But first, this break summer is on its way and there's no better place to go for outdoor furniture than Wayfair. You know, Adam and I love entertaining outside. Gretch. That's one thing great about our house, but I did notice that we didn't have enough place for people to put their drink. So I went to Wayfair online and I got two little tables for our outdoor space and it totally refreshed the whole area and made everything perfect.
- [15:49]
Elizabeth Craft
Wayfair's huge selection of outdoor essentials will help you make your outdoor space more comfortable, more functional, and most importantly, more you. Wayfair's huge selection of items makes it easy to find exactly what you need. It's extremely easy to tackle your summer home goals with endless inspiration for every space and budget, including the outdoors shop. A huge selection of outdoor furniture online this summer. Get outside with Wayfair. Head to Wayfair.com right now. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style, every home.
- [16:26]
Gretchen Rubin
Gretch I love Cozy Earth's products. Whether it's their ultra soft bedding, their breathable loungewear, or their cozy Pajamas. I love it all. Last night Adam got into bed. He had just taken a shower and we had clean Cozy Earth sheets on the bed and he was just sighing, loving it. He was like, this feels so good.
- [16:50]
Elizabeth Craft
And with Cozy Earth there's a hundred night sleep trial. You can enjoy your products for more than three months to experience their unmatched comfort. And if you're not completely in love with your bedding, you can return it hassle free. But you will not want to. Luxury shouldn't be out of Reach. Visit cozyearth.com and use our exclusive code Happier for up to 40% off Cozy Earth's best selling sheets, towels, pajamas and more. Trust us, you won't regret it. That's cozyearth.com code happier. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth from Happier with Gretchen Rubin. Sanctuary awaits at Cozy Earth.
- [17:29]
Gretchen Rubin
Okay, Gretch, we're back with this week's happiness hack. This comes from your life.
- [17:33]
Elizabeth Craft
This comes from my life. Okay, so two incidences happen close together and they lead to the same story. So I will suggest these cautionary tales to help others. Okay, so Elizabeth, do you have Pan quotidien in Los Angeles?
- [17:47]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, we do. I love it.
- [17:49]
Elizabeth Craft
Okay. I don't think they have it in Kansas City. Anyway. Le Pein Cotidien is this chain of French inspired restaurant coffee shops. And anyway, in New York City there are a lot of them. There are many, many pankotidients. And it's a good place to meet if you're meeting somebody for coffee or like a business lunch or something because everybody knows what it is. It's just, you know, it's kind of standard and pleasant and it's always good to go there. So this came up with somebody. I was meeting her just for coffee. So I said, okay, let's go to the Pankotidien at 1309 Lexington Avenue at 88. And she said, great. And then time went by and then she confirmed that morning and she said, okay, just confirming we're going to meet at 1309 Lexington Avenue at the Panna Cotidien. And I said, great. So I get there, I show up, and she doesn't show up for like five minutes. And she's a super conscientious person. So I texted her and said, just to be sure, I'm at the Pencoutidien at 88th in Lexington. And she said, oh my gosh, I'm at the one at 65th because there's one who's 65th in Lexington. And the thing is. And we look back in a chain, because, of course, as an upholder, I'm, like, really, really concerned that I didn't get the facts wrong. And indeed, we had always agreed at the same one. But she did something that's very easy to do, which is she knew the one at 65th. She had been there many times. And so when I said, okay, Lexington Avenue, she didn't really focus on the 88. She didn't look up the address. She just thought, oh, I know exactly where that is. I'll go there. But knowing how many of them there are, it would be really, really good to check.
- [19:16]
Gretchen Rubin
The exact same thing happened to me. Someone at a coffee bean in Tea Leaf in Los Angeles.
- [19:21]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [19:22]
Gretchen Rubin
Because I was on Riverside, and there's several on Riverside, and the person went to the wrong one.
- [19:27]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [19:27]
Gretchen Rubin
And when she was a couple minutes late, I was like, I know she went to the wrong one.
- [19:31]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [19:31]
Gretchen Rubin
Because I know she'd be on time.
- [19:33]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes. Now, maybe the lesson is to say, just to be clear, this is the one by the 86th street subway station, so that somebody has a visual clue, or this is the one opposite the fountain or something. And I did something similar where I had to have a medical procedure done, and then I had to have another medical procedure done. And the first one was very far to the east in the mid-50s. And so, okay, off I go. I walked there. And then the second time it came around, and I looked and I could see that it was an address that was in the mid-50s and very far east. So I thought, okay, well, I'm just going back to where I went before. So I basically just steered myself there. Then I got there and I was like, wait a minute, this isn't here. Like, where am I? And I realized, actually, they were a couple blocks apart. But I had just used those clues and assumed that it was the same. Oh, it's the same imaging place. But actually, no, it's a completely different kind of imaging. So there's no re. It's only been my amateurish medical knowledge that they seemed at all fungible. But fortunately for me, they were quite close together. But it would have been a real hassle had it been more like 12 blocks, given that it was very close to the time of my appointment. So again, unless you are 100% confident, it's worth taking 10 seconds and just double checking and address and make sure that you are. You're going to the right one.
- [20:47]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. We have all had these experiences.
- [20:49]
Elizabeth Craft
We've all done it. And now for a know yourself better question. I'm very interested in this know yourself better question. Okay, but let me set the scene. One of the things that's occurring to me as I'm writing about the empty nest, open door stage. And Elizabeth, you can tell me what you think is that sometimes when people are saying, like, they feel very uneasy, they feel very sad, they feel a great sense of loss. Part of it is, of course, their child is moving into this different stage. But sometimes what I'm beginning to think is that there is something associated with family life, not essential to family life, but associated with family life or the way you run your family life. That's something that you really enjoy and that now just isn't happening. It's something that you could be doing in a lot of different circumstances. It just happens to be. Have been presenting in your life in this family circumstance. And so it's, it's. You feel the loss of it when you have the open door stage, but it wouldn't necessarily be the case. That might sound a little bit abstract, but here's what I'm thinking. Okay, this is the know yourself better question. Elizabeth, do you love to feed?
- [21:53]
Gretchen Rubin
And what do you mean by that exactly?
- [21:55]
Elizabeth Craft
Okay, so there, yeah, it sounds a little farmer. Like, maybe I need to think of a more elegant way to put it. But there are some people, and we, we all know these people where they love to. To serve up food on your plate. They want to give you seconds. They love to have people streaming through the kitchen, grabbing things out of the kitchen or opening up things from the pantry or grabbing something out of the oven. They love the feeling of feeding. Now, this is true for people, but it's also like some people love to feed fish or birds or dogs. There is a pleasure that comes from feeding. I think it's a very primal satisfaction of, like, giving people this nourishment. And I think in family life, it's often associated with love, comfort, coziness, pleasure shared sitting around the table. But I think that apart from all those things, there are people who just simply love to feed. Now, I was thinking about our mother. Now, our mother loves to entertain. She loves beautiful food. She's an amazing cook. She loves to present a beautiful table. But I wouldn't say she loves to feed. She doesn't have this. I love to, like, ladle out seconds onto your plate. Right. Do you think so?
- [23:05]
Gretchen Rubin
I would agree with that assessment, yes.
- [23:08]
Elizabeth Craft
But. So this is the kind of thing I'm thinking that if you can understand, like, oh, this is an element that I'm missing.
- [23:14]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes.
- [23:15]
Elizabeth Craft
Or maybe it's something that you really didn't enjoy or didn't care about, and you had four kids and now they're out and you're like, oh, my gosh, it's so nice that I can just eat piece of crackers.
- [23:22]
Gretchen Rubin
I don't have to be feeding yet.
- [23:24]
Elizabeth Craft
I don't have to be feeding. But for someone else, that could be a very serious loss. And so, again, it's not that it's necessarily a loss. It's that different people respond differently. But the more we can have clarity on the nuances of our responses, I think that will help us understand why we're feeling what we're feeling, why other people might be feeling different, and what we might do about it or how we might think about it in advance. So, Elizabeth, okay. Your thoughts on loving to feed. Do you think I'm onto something here?
- [23:49]
Gretchen Rubin
I absolutely think you're onto something. I do not love to feed. I in no way have that impulse. Nor do you, I assume.
- [23:57]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah.
- [23:58]
Gretchen Rubin
Now, here's a question. Do you think Jamie has it?
- [24:00]
Elizabeth Craft
No, I don't. I think he loves to cook, but he doesn't have the like. Come on.
- [24:05]
Gretchen Rubin
He's not. Here, take this. You need more. You need more rhubarb pie.
- [24:09]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. This is making me realize, like, when I was writing better than before, and I was talking about the strategy of other people and how we're very affected by other people when we're trying to change our habits. One of the things I talked about is that sometimes when you're trying to change your eating habits, it can be hard when the people around you are really trying to encourage to eat in a way that you don't wanna be eating. And this was puzzling to me because I was thinking, why would they be doing that? Because they are acting loving, they're acting with good intention, and yet they're doing something that's a stumbling block for you. But now I think I understand it. I think that if you love to feed, this is just an impulse that you feel, and so it's just coming into conflict with what somebody else is aiming for. So, again, once you understand the mechanisms of what's happening, a conflict becomes a lot easier to understand and to explain.
- [24:59]
Gretchen Rubin
If you know someone loves to feed, you can say, I know you love this, and I so appreciate that you love it. But right now, this just isn't helping me. Instead, why don't you send me and feed me inspirational quotes instead of food?
- [25:12]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, I remember that One, one listener said that his grandmother. Clearly, I didn't have this language now, but clearly his grandmother loved to feed. And he said, what I realized is that we. What's important to my grandmother is that I take seconds. And so he said, I will take like a little dab as my first serving. And then I eat it up and I go back and I'm like, grandma, I need seconds. It's so good. And then she, like, puts it on his plate and then he has a regular serving. And so I thought, well, that was very wise. So that was a way that he'd figured out how to serve her love to feed, but in a way that he was just eating one serving of food instead of eating a gigantic plate of sweet potatoes or whatever.
- [25:45]
Gretchen Rubin
But yeah, Gretch, you can see how this love of feeding could make this period in life harder if suddenly you have one less person or maybe only yourself left to feed. So, yes, but knowing that you could, you know, invite friends over for dinner.
- [26:00]
Elizabeth Craft
And feed them, you could think about it in different ways. Yeah. So I'm very curious to hear from listeners. Does this ring true for you? Does this strike a chord? And are there other things similar to this that you think, oh, this is a pleasure associated with family life, but it's not necessarily essential to family life. It's just that that's how it's presenting in your life. Anyway, anyway, seems like a big idea to me that I'm just beginning to explore. So anything that anybody thinks, tell me, because the world is my research assistant and I am very interested to hear what everybody has to say.
- [26:30]
Gretchen Rubin
All right, Gretch. Coming up, we're going to talk about one of my favorite secrets of adulthood. But first, this break. Gretsch, Aqua True purifiers use a four stage reverse osmosis purification process. And their countertop purifiers work with no installation or plumbing, which is so much easier. It removes 15 times more contaminants than ordinary pitcher filters. And they're specifically designed to combat chemicals like pfas in your water supply.
- [27:10]
Elizabeth Craft
Just one set of filters from their classic purifier makes the equivalent of of 4,500 bottles of water. That's less than 3 cents a bottle. Plus, you'll save the environment from tons of plastic waste. I love that the Aqua Tru Purifier got delivered straight to my home and was very easy to set up. Aqua Tru comes with a 30 day money back guarantee and makes a great gift. Today our listeners receive 20% off any Aqua True Purifier just go to aquatru.com the that's a Q U a T r u dot com and enter code happier at checkout. That's 20% off any Aqua True water purifier. When you go to aquatrue.com and use promo code H A P P I.
- [27:53]
Gretchen Rubin
E R let's talk about the Defender 110. It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer Gretch. I have a friend who's extremely adventurous, and she loves her Defender 110. It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough. The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability. It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 110amodern edge.
- [28:20]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. It has 3D surround cameras with clear sight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain. Clearsight rear view offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window. Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler. Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey. Design your Defender 110 at Land RoverUSA.com Visit Land RoverUSA.com to learn more about the Defender 110. Explore the Defender 110@Land RoverUSA.com okay, Gretch.
- [28:59]
Gretchen Rubin
We'Re back with our new segment, Secret of Adulthood. Talk to us about a secret of adulthood.
- [29:04]
Elizabeth Craft
Okay, now this is really interesting. Interesting because one of the things that is most fascinating to me now that my book Secrets of Adulthood is out in the world is hearing how people put their own interpretation on things that I wrote. Secrets that to me had one meaning. Now people are saying, oh, well, this has a different meaning to me, or I'm interpreting this metaphor in a different way, or I have a different kind of example in mind than the kind of example that I had in mind. And so this is super fascinating to me. So one of my Secrets of Adulthood is one of your favorites. It's one of my favorites. Both of us certainly have to remind ourselves of this all the time. Is that working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination. Now, Elizabeth, explain what you and I, how this comes up in our lives with our working and our procrastination.
- [29:49]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, it said, if we have a task we really don't want to do, we'll find other work tasks to do in its place, which may be, yes, need to be done, but not be as important.
- [30:01]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [30:02]
Gretchen Rubin
So the busy work gets done and the important work does not get done. But you feel justified because you're doing. You're answering an email that needs to be answered. Yes, but you shouldn't necessarily be using your prime hours for that email.
- [30:15]
Elizabeth Craft
It doesn't look like leisure. You're not. I'm not lying on the sofa watching the office reruns, but I'm not working on what I need to work. So working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination. But Megan commented this way. She said, when I heard this, I took it as using work to procrastinate from all other things having to do with the life and relationships outside of work. In other words, using work to procrastinate on living life outside of work.
- [30:42]
Gretchen Rubin
I think a lot of people do that.
- [30:45]
Elizabeth Craft
I think a lot of people do that. And it's a very astute interpretation of the exact same words, but it has a very different meaning. And it reminded me of a passage from Jennifer Egan's super powerful, respected novel, the Candy House. In it, a character is saying, I'm itching to get to my medical clinic, where there's always more to do and it always matters. But I've learned to resist that impulse. Years ago, when Sasha and I were struggling with Lincoln, my habit of fleeing to my clinic almost cost me my marriage. Since then, I've subjected my impulses to leave for work to a three step protocol. One, is it necessary that I go at this moment? Two, is there something at home that I want to avoid? Three, will I let anyone down by leaving right now? This is a person who's figured out that working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.
- [31:43]
Gretchen Rubin
Indeed.
- [31:44]
Elizabeth Craft
And now for demerits and gold stars. Elizabeth, it's an even numbered episode, which means it's your turn to talk about a demerit.
- [31:51]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, Gretch, this is an old standby, I think, for many of us, which is I just. Just have a growing list of tasks that I have written down, but I have not been checking any of them off my list.
- [32:03]
Elizabeth Craft
Oh.
- [32:04]
Gretchen Rubin
So I feel that I've made progress in my life because I have a list. Because for most of my life, I didn't even keep lists. But I'm not doing any of them. So I need to get my real id. I need to make an appointment for Jack to get his learner's permit. I need to get some pants hemmed. All these things. And the days go by, let's say even weeks or months go by, and the list is just getting long. So I need to get that impetus, whether I need maybe a power hour to get some of this stuff done.
- [32:34]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, a power hour. I bet you could knock out a lot of those things faster than you think. But I want to give my gold star to you because, Elizabeth, I see why this list is growing and that you're having a hard time crossing things off because to me, I am just so amazed by how you are staying calm and keeping so many balls in the air. You have so many, many pitches that have been scheduled. You have so many projects that are bubbling up. Like, you have to keep a lot of things going, and sometimes they all sort of are quiet, and then it seems like a lot of times they all activate in the same period. And you have to manage that because you can't just say, like, oh, I'll get to that in three weeks. It's not like that. So I want to give you a gold star for just keeping calm and keeping everything going.
- [33:19]
Gretchen Rubin
Oh, well, thank you. And you know that is true. So maybe once this wave passes, I'll you show check some of these items off my list or even just having said it, hopefully now I'll do some tasks, but I'll take that gold star. Gretch.
- [33:31]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. Maybe you're looking for the season of errands. You're like, I have a little bit of a downtime. It'll be the season of errands.
- [33:36]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes.
- [33:36]
Elizabeth Craft
And the resource for this week. Many people have told me that they are giving a copy of my book, Secrets of Adulthood, to a graduate this spring. If you'd like to do it, you can get a copy@happiercast.com secrets and while you're there, you can also request a signed book plate. This is for us and Canada only, because this is actually something that I'm gonna mail. I will tell you, it take a little bit of time for these things to sort of be processed. So if you want it, act fast. But I know that graduation is coming up, so I will do my best to be as speedy as possible. Elizabeth, what are we reading? What are you reading?
- [34:09]
Gretchen Rubin
I am reading the book of Cold cases by Simone St. James.
- [34:13]
Elizabeth Craft
And I am reading Look Back with Love by Dodie Smith. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Consider your exceptional advantage. Let us know what you have as an exceptional advantage and what you plan to do about it.
- [34:31]
Gretchen Rubin
Thanks to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.
- [34:34]
Elizabeth Craft
Here's your rhyming reminder. And you know, we don't talk about reviews as much, Elizabeth, but reviews really matter. People really look at reviews. They look at the number of reviews. So reviews matter. We so appreciate your reviews. If you're a fan of the podcast fast review it fast.
- [34:52]
Gretchen Rubin
Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.
- [34:54]
Elizabeth Craft
And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. Well, speaking of exceptional advantages, I mean, one of the things that you've done with your house over the years is like you've so transformed your backyard that now you have an amazing backyard for entertaining. I think when you you moved into your house, it wasn't such an advantage, and now it really is.
- [35:24]
Gretchen Rubin
That is true. Yes. We have made the most of it, and I enjoy it and you enjoy it.
- [35:35]
Elizabeth Craft
From the onward project.