← Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Ep. 539: Don't Disparage What Matters, Funny Travel Trends & Handling Hurtful "Jokes"
00:28:17
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- [00:00]
Gretchen Rubin
Listen. Whole Foods Market is a great place to get everything that we need for a fantastic summer barbecue. They have the chicken thighs, the ground beef. We love to have, salmon burgers, uncured hot dogs. Plus there's all the other things that you love for summer barbecue. The ice cream, the tortilla chips, the salsas, salad kits. You can get it all at Whole.
- [00:24]
Elizabeth Craft
Foods Market and look for hundreds of yellow low price signs that help you save without compromising the quality you expect expect from Whole Foods Market. There are so many ways to save on summer grilling favorites at Whole Foods Market. Let's talk about the Defender 110. It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer Gretch. I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110. It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough. The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability. It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 1 10amodern edge.
- [01:05]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah, there's 3D surround cameras with Clearsight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain. Clearsight Rear View offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window. Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler. Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey. Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA.com Visit Land RoverUSA.com to learn more about the Defender 110. Explore the Defender 110 at Land RoverUSA.com.
- [01:45]
Elizabeth Craft
Lemonade.
- [01:54]
Gretchen Rubin
Hello and welcome to Happier, where we talk about cutting edge science, ancient philosophy, lessons from from pop culture, and our own experiences about how to make our lives happier. This week we'll talk about why it's not a good idea to disparage something that's important to you. And we talk about why it can sometimes be a bad idea to wait until we feel ready. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City and joining me today from Los Angeles and is my sister, Elizabeth Craft.
- [02:29]
Elizabeth Craft
My sister, the sage, that's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in LA. And Gretch, when we started this podcast 10 years ago, we definitely did not feel ready. But we did it anyway.
- [02:41]
Gretchen Rubin
We did not feel ready. That's a great example. But before we jump in, first, a few updates.
- [02:48]
Elizabeth Craft
Stacy says, loved your idea of coming up with our own summer. Of of course I've listened to you, Gretchen, talk about your summer of proust etc over the years, but for some reason it never occurred to me to plan my own summer. I'm going to have a summer of bicycling. I have recently rediscovered riding my bike at age 58 and I just invested in getting it fixed up, a new lock and other accessories. Riding my bike gives me immense joy and I want more joy in my life. My partner recently got laid off from his job, which isn't entirely a bad thing. I suggested he come up with a summer of and he immediately said summer of catching up. He co owns a business and is behind on lots of tasks there and being a car guy, he has three cars that need work to get them back up and running. He's been juggling a lot and now with his days free, he's looking forward to getting caught up on everything this summer.
- [03:46]
Gretchen Rubin
I love both of those ideas. They both sound like it's going to give them like a summer of great satisf satisfaction. Yes, and we got an interesting response from a listener to our question of do you love to feed? Like some people just love to feed. They love to serve people. They love to dole out second helpings. And Abigail had an interesting response.
- [04:05]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah, she said I'm a longtime listener, like years and years and an American citizen living in Japan. Our teenagers are still at home and study via a distance learning program, so they're home a lot. My husband also works from home so I'm in constant feeding mode. I love flavors and recipe development. I also cook sometimes for Sunday lunch for everyone at church and if friends are sick or have an emergency, I cook and take meals to them. We have groups of friends round for home cooked meals and board game nights too. After our boys leave home. I'm sure I'll miss feeding them, even though honestly, I do sometimes grumble about it. It's not always a soft bed of mashed potatoes. So your episode about open doors and feeding got me thinking. I bet I will reach further afield after I'm not in the kitchen so much. Our city in Japan does not have a food bank, but it needs one. There's an idea and or a soup kitchen. After the boys leave I will be working more but my thinking cap will also be on for how I can fill more tables.
- [05:10]
Gretchen Rubin
But see, this is exactly what I was thinking of as I was thinking about the empty nest, the open door transition phase and thinking about how these associated pleasures like the love to feed, how we think of them as being part of what we love about family life. And they are part of what we love about family life, but when you understand that it's something that could be separate from family life, too, and, like, how would you bring that element into your life in a new way? And here are these really tangible, constructive examples of how it's part of family life, but it's also part of church, and it's part of friends and it's part of your community. And I just thought this was as I was thinking about trying to peel apart how these pleasures feed into our experience of family life. I mean, this was just such a great example. So thank you, Abigail, for that. I thought it was so clarifying. And I want to think of a better phrase than associated pleasures. We need to workshop this. It's the pleasures that are mixed up with family life. They're associated. But associated pleasures sound so boring, right? A lot of pleasures. I don't know. Okay, anybody have any great ideas? Hit me up, Elizabeth. I will force you to brainstorm with me.
- [06:18]
Elizabeth Craft
Will do.
- [06:18]
Gretchen Rubin
Well. And speaking of fun names for things. Whimsy, everybody. A whimsical name is wonderful whimsy. But we are gathering ideas for whimsy. So if you have a good suggestion for bringing more whimsy into everyday life, let us know. Our very special episode 5:40 coming up will be all about whimsy.
- [06:34]
Elizabeth Craft
I cannot wait.
- [06:35]
Gretchen Rubin
And this week, our try this at home suggestion is don't disparage something that's important to you.
- [06:42]
Elizabeth Craft
So explain what that means, Gretch.
- [06:44]
Gretchen Rubin
Okay. Well, I happen to see somebody saying online, well, you know, is anybody else feeling, like, depressed around Mother's Day? And in our household, we never made a big deal of it, and we always referred to it as a Hallmark holiday. But I'm realizing that because of the situation, both of my sons are probably going to be with their significant other's mothers. And maybe I'll get a text or a phone call, but that's it. And when I read that, I thought, look, if you go around saying Mother's Day doesn't matter, Mother's Day is a Hallmark fake holiday. And then I don't think it's that unrealistic to think that your children will think it's not such a big deal to you, and they won't really make a big deal out of it. And so if it is the kind of thing that's gonna make you feel very sad if there's not a lot of recognition on Mother's Day, you should make that clear. And you certainly shouldn't disparage it because, I mean, I don't know about you, Elizabeth, but I take people literally. If they say, like, oh, this isn't important to me, I'll be like, okay, well, if that's not important to you, then I will not treat it with importance. I think a lot of people might be like that.
- [07:53]
Elizabeth Craft
Absolutely. And this comes up a lot. I mean, people do have a tendency to do this. I think they do this with gatherings. Like, somebody may say, oh, it's not important if you come to my book signing or to my birthday party or to my holiday gathering. Yeah, but then they're hurt if you don't go.
- [08:14]
Gretchen Rubin
Right.
- [08:14]
Elizabeth Craft
So if you care, just say, oh, I'm really excited about my holiday party this year. I really hope you can make it. Or, oh, I really want people at my book signing. Please come.
- [08:27]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. Well, and this is the thing is, I think a lot of times the reason that we disparage something is that we're trying to protect ourselves. Maybe it makes us feel vulnerable, or we don't wanna reveal that something does matter to us. Or maybe we're afraid we're gonna be disappointed, so we try to pretend like we don't care. Because that way, if people disappoint us, we keep saying, like, well, I never cared. But the problem is, if you do care, then you've really set yourself up to be hurt because you've sent this message. I was thinking that a way that this comes up is with the five love languages, which is this idea that people have five love languages. It's acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts and quality time. And if you say to somebody, it doesn't matter to me. Oh, it's okay if you don't want to hang out or, oh, you don't need to go out of your way to say nice things about what I did. It's like, then people might not do it, even though it's the very thing that you crave.
- [09:23]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes, for sure. Gifts are in this category. Like, a lot of people will say no gifts, but actually their love language is gifts. And they do want gifts.
- [09:35]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes.
- [09:35]
Elizabeth Craft
And that doesn't mean it has to be a big gift, but it does matter to them. Now, you're not gonna go around telling people and, please bring a gift, but you don't have to say no gifts on an invitation if you actually want gifts.
- [09:47]
Gretchen Rubin
Right. Well, it's funny because I think people will often say no gift, and then people bring a gift anyway. And I don't bring a gift if it says no gifts.
- [09:55]
Elizabeth Craft
Same.
- [09:55]
Gretchen Rubin
But it's funny it reminds me of when Eleanor was little. She was not very good at math, if she caught up. But there was a period where she wasn't very good at math. And we went in for the parent teacher conference, and they were like, well, you know, Eleanor is not doing the optional math, and we really think she should. And so I go to Eleanor, well, they really think you should be doing the optional math. And she's like, well, it's called optional math. And like, if it's optional, I don't want to do it. If they tell me I have to do it, I'll do it, but I'm not going to do it if it's optional. And I'm like, I'm with you, Eleanor. I mean, if it's assigned, you do it. If it's optional, it's optional. You can't say that something is optional and then be surprised if somebody doesn't do it. And that's the same thing here. But I think often there is this emotional aspect where to protect ourselves from pain, we say, I don't care, but then we do care. I mean, here's something where people often think that I'm not being honest, but Jamie, my husband, does not read anything that I write. He does not listen to the podcast. He does not. I don't even think he subscribes to my newsletter. I mean, he's like, I get it at home. I don't need to get more of it in my ears or in front of my eyes. And often people will say, do you care? And I can honestly say, I do not care. I understand it. But Jamie has a podcast now, which is an excellent podcast called After Hours. And he's like, I care. I want you to listen. And I'm like, then I will listen. But if he had said, you don't have to listen, I don't care. I don't know that I would, because there is this element of I think that this should be better. And can I say, and it's just one of these things where maybe I would listen, but if he said he didn't care, maybe I would not have, or I wouldn't have done it as faithfully. But I'm really glad that he said, I really do want you to listen, because then I could be like, oh, with all my heart, I'm glad to listen, right?
- [11:30]
Elizabeth Craft
If he had said, I don't care, but he did care, then he could resent that you didn't listen. And that's what this is about. You want to avoid resentment. I also think Gretchen, it's one of those times where look at what you disparage and it could tell you about something you actually care about that you don't even know consciously you care about.
- [11:50]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, yes. I think that is a deep insight. It's kind of like, what do you lie about and whom do you envy?
- [11:58]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [11:58]
Gretchen Rubin
It's one of these things because if you march around telling people, mother's Day doesn't matter, Mother's Day doesn't matter, Mother's Day doesn't matter. And then you're on social media saying, oh, I'm really sad because I don't think anybody's gonna do anything for Mother's Day. It's like, okay, that's an important clue.
- [12:14]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes.
- [12:15]
Gretchen Rubin
Let us know if you do try this at home. Have you caught yourself doing this? Have you seen someone else do this where you feel like they've disparaged something because they really didn't want to admit how important it was to them? I feel like this is the kind of thing where you might not notice it, but then once the question's in your mind, you might see it in places that are unexpected. It'll be really interesting to hear how people respond. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an email podcastretchenrubin.com or as always, you go to the show notes. This is happiercast.com 539 coming up, we've.
- [12:47]
Elizabeth Craft
Got a fun happiness hack related to summer travel. But first, this break. Gretch, let's talk about Wayfair and how amazing it is. You know, Adam and I love our backyard. We've spent a lot of time on it and in it, and we used to always jockey for who got to sit next to the table where they could put their mug of coffee or glass that they're drinking out of. But thanks to Wayfair, I got two more tables for the outside and now we both always have somewhere to put our drink.
- [13:28]
Gretchen Rubin
There's something for every style in every home, no matter your space or budget. Wayfair makes it easy to tackle your summer home goals with endless inspiration for every space and budget, including the outdoors. Don't wait. Make your outdoor space your dream oasis today with Wayfair and enjoy it all summer long. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop up a huge outdoor selection that's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home Air quality is.
- [14:03]
Elizabeth Craft
A huge topic in Los Angeles, especially since we had the recent fires. But it's not just the air outside, it's the air inside. Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors. But did you know indoor air can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air? Breathe Easy with Air Doctor, the award winning air purifier that eliminates 99.99% of dangerous contaminants like allergens, viruses, smoke, gases, mold spores and more.
- [14:37]
Gretchen Rubin
Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code HAPPIER to get up to $300 off today. Air Doctor comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a 3 year warranty and $84 value free. Get this exclusive podcast only offer now at airdoctorpro.com a I r d o c T-O-R p r o.com using promo.
- [15:02]
Elizabeth Craft
Code Happier okay, we are back with this week's happiness hack. And Gretchen, we came across some fun ways to describe summer travels. Some funny terms.
- [15:14]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah, this came from a New York Times article and I'll post a link to it in the show notes if anybody wants to read it. But I just thought that these were so fun and Shed new lights on travel. So one is a detour destination. And this is when you go to someplace that's less well known or less crowded than the traditional tourist hotspots. And so maybe you're going straight there to your detour destination or you're adding it as a side trip. I often think about this, like if you're in your own country, like in the United States, there are all these little places that people love to go. But if you're in another country, you kind of only know the most prominent ones. But if you do a little bit of digging, you can find other really, really fun places to visit. So I love the idea of heading for a detour destination.
- [15:58]
Elizabeth Craft
Gretchen. I feel like when we were in England last summer, our guide Jeremy would take the group to detour destinations exactly several times.
- [16:07]
Gretchen Rubin
Exactly like we hit London ourselves. But we wouldn't have gone to a lot of the places that we went with him.
- [16:13]
Elizabeth Craft
Then there's town sizing. Yes, vacation is town sized if instead of big city buzz, you opt for small town vibes and easygoing destinations.
- [16:23]
Gretchen Rubin
Now this reminds me of the recent tourist campaign that Oslo did. And if you want to hear my little happier episode where I write about the Oslo tourist campaign, I will put that in the show notes. But basically their slogan is is it even a city where this disgruntled person from Oslo is like, this isn't Paris, this isn't London. You can walk from One side to the other for 30 minutes. You walk around one corner, there's the prime minister. You walk around another corner, there's the king. Like, is it even a city? And you're like, the things that he didn't like about it is exactly the things that other people would find attractive. Anyway, it's a very funny campaign. I will post a link to the little happier episode about that.
- [17:02]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. So, Gretch, for our reading retreat, we're thinking may. Will town size go somewhere smaller, not a big city.
- [17:10]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah, exactly. Live tourism. This refers to the increase in the number of people who are booking trips around live events. And I think there is a greater awareness that often experiences make people happier than stuff. And one way that you have an experience is you go somewhere for something. Maybe it's the Taylor Swift eras tour or it's going to see the eclipse, or. I had a friend who went to Indianapolis. He went to the Indy 500 in the day, and then that night he went to an NBA playoff game. And that was done. Definitely live tourism, because he was going there for the events that were happening there, not for the city itself.
- [17:44]
Elizabeth Craft
That's so fun. A lot of people, I think, do this with baseball stadiums. They set a goal to visit, like, every baseball stadium, and that's. That directs their travel.
- [17:54]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, exactly. And then. And then it's just fun to be there, too. Yeah.
- [17:57]
Elizabeth Craft
And Gretch, then there's Jomo travel. So we all know what FOMO is, which is fear of missing out.
- [18:03]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah.
- [18:03]
Elizabeth Craft
But Jomo is the joy of missing out. And that's when you're like, okay, on this vacation, I just want to prioritize relaxing and not having my phone and not knowing what's going on.
- [18:14]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes. No, I think that that's becoming increasingly enticing to people as well. So I think I love a new term for something. And I also think, like, this can give you a way of thinking about what you might ask from your travels and your vacation in a different way. So I thought those were really useful.
- [18:30]
Elizabeth Craft
Love it.
- [18:31]
Gretchen Rubin
And now for a secret of adulthood. Now, last episode, we talked about the secret of adulthood. Do you need more time or do you need to make a decision in the context of what's the stuff in your storage unit? Do you need more time with that stuff, or do you just really need to decide, like, okay, what am I going to do with this stuff? Let me get out of my storage unit. But there's another way that this comes up, because a lot of these secrets of adulthood have multiple meanings or you could apply them in multiple contexts. And I think the way I also think of the secret of adulthood is the myth of being ready. Because sometimes people think, well, I need more time because I am not ready, when in fact, it needs to be like, well, you may not feel ready, but do you still need to make a decision?
- [19:11]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes. And this came up with you with getting your new puppy, Taffy?
- [19:15]
Gretchen Rubin
No. Exactly. And I was talking to Eliza, our older daughter, and I said to her, well, look, I've got my book tour, and then I would love to take a big family vacation. And we've got so much going on, it's really busy. I don't think it's a good time to get a puppy. I don't think we're ready for it yet. And she said, there'll never be an easy time to have a puppy. You just need to make it work. And I realized that I would never feel ready to have a puppy. That was exactly right. And of course, we didn't get the puppy, like, while I was on book tour, because then Jamie would have been solo parenting a dog and a puppy. So we didn't pick a wrong time. It was very clarifying for her to say, you're never gonna feel ready, so don't wait to feel ready, because otherwise you'll just push it and push it and push it. We needed to just decide to get a dog and make it work.
- [20:00]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, and this comes up all the time with having a baby.
- [20:03]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes.
- [20:04]
Elizabeth Craft
Many people don't feel ready to have a baby. I rem for years, Gretchen. I always felt like I'd be ready to have a baby in 10 years.
- [20:12]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah.
- [20:12]
Elizabeth Craft
But by the time I was 35, I couldn't just say, well, 45 will be a good time. I just had to embrace doing it, regardless of whether I was ready or not.
- [20:23]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, it's funny. A friend of mine, I remember years ago, somebody said, well, I don't think it's a good time to have a baby. And my friend was like, there's no bad time to have a baby. And I was like, that's the spirit. It's not literally true, but it was a good frame of mind, which is like, don't wait for a good time, because it was something that's really big and challenging. You may never quite feel ready for it.
- [20:42]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. And, Gretch, I mentioned at the top of the show that we didn't feel ready to start our podcast, but we did it anyway.
- [20:48]
Gretchen Rubin
We did.
- [20:48]
Elizabeth Craft
Thank goodness. And Sarah and I, my writing partner and I co host of Happier in Hollywood recently went through this with our substack. So now we have a substack newsletter called Happier in Hollywood. And we didn't feel ready to start it at all. We had never done a newsletter. It's a totally different kind of writing. We weren't sure we totally understood the platform, but Sarah said, like, we just can't wait. We have to just do it whether we're ready or not. And I'm so glad we did. And now, of course, we feel like, oh, of course we have our newsletter. It's the most natural thing in the world.
- [21:22]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, and Elizabeth, I have to give you your prompt because you say every time somebody says substack, you have, like, your public service announcement that you have to make. So here, say it.
- [21:31]
Elizabeth Craft
Oh, yes, you can subscribe to our newsletter by going to happierinhollywood.com scrolling down and putting in your email address. Or, of course, you can subscribe on substack to Happier in Hollywood.
- [21:44]
Gretchen Rubin
Well, and I have one too now called Secrets of Adulthood on substack. And one of the reasons that I was inspired to start it, because the two of you did it. And so sometimes the readiness comes from, like, if they can do it, maybe I can do it. And so even though I didn't feel ready, I was sort of like, well, you can just take the leap and say, okay, a lot of people do this. I can give it a try, too. Now, this comes up with the open door sometimes because somebody was saying to me, like, well, we've got the house that our children grew up in, and I'm thinking that I would want to downsize and have a house that's easier to manage. And I actually found a house that was exactly what I would envision for myself. But I just don't feel ready yet to leave the house where my children spent their childhoods. And then the thing to say is, okay, but you may never feel ready because that old house will always have that pull on your emotions. But you are also feeling this desire to move forward. And so maybe, maybe you need to say, let me use that and be guided by that feeling to step into the future. Because maybe if you're waiting to have the push to leave, you may never feel the push to leave because it will always have that emotional significance to you.
- [22:51]
Elizabeth Craft
It reminds me of dad who talks about making a big change, and he's saying, it's so hard to make a change that if you've thought about doing it, that probably means you should make the change. And that's how Being ready can be like, you've thought about getting this dog and making this change, which probably means you should do it.
- [23:10]
Gretchen Rubin
Elizabeth, I don't know if you remember this conversation, but years and years ago, this came up between the two of us because I was thinking about really trying to become a writer full time and just, like, leaving law altogether. And I had been working on my book, what became my first book on the side in my free time. But it was like, okay, am I really gonna sort of wholeheartedly go for it? And I was debating that, and I remember saying to you, well, the thing is, I worry about feeling legitimate. I'm thinking, like, if I do this, like, you know, I'm just, like, working on this book, and, you know, I don't have an agent and I don't have a book contract. I'm just working on this book. I'm not going to feel legitimate. And you said, well, do you feel legitimate now? And I said, no, I don't feel legitimate now. And you said, well, then maybe that's just your nature and you'll never feel legitimate, so you shouldn't use it to guide your decision. And I was like, that was such a moment of clarity for me. It's not useful information because it's something like, I don't feel like I have it now. Why do I think, anyway? Again, it's this idea of waiting for a kind of readiness that may not be realistic, and that may slow you down in getting what you actually want.
- [24:13]
Elizabeth Craft
Absolutely. Coming up, we've got a listener question related to mean jokes. But first, this break foreign.
- [24:30]
C
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- [25:44]
Gretchen Rubin
So we know a lot of you listening out there work in healthcare and wellness. First of all, because you probably don't hear this enough, thank you. Thanks for always showing up and doing what you do. Second of all, if you don't already know about figs, it's time. Figs entire mission is to empower people that work in healthcare by making the best scrubs, apparel and accessories. Figs make super thoughtfully designed scrubs in high quality, innovative materials that are antimicrobial and wrinkle resistant, but still super soft and breathable. They're designed with the details of the job in mind, whether it's a scrub top with special stethoscope pocket or outerwear that's both lightweight and super warm. Because the office or hospital AC is never not on full blast.
- [26:27]
Elizabeth Craft
Figs are the scrubs, in other words. And if you're a healthcare professional or if you know someone who is Right now, when you use code FIGSRX, you get 15% off your first purchase.
- [26:39]
Gretchen Rubin
That's wherefigs.com code FIGS R X for 15% off your first order and here's a listener question. The listener included her name, but we're making it anonymous because it's a pretty sensitive question and we didn't want to risk making somebody uncomfortable. This is one of these ones where it's really hard. So give us your answers too once you hear the question.
- [27:02]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes, she says. My husband has a habit of making me the brunt of his jokes. Recently we played pickleball with two of our kids and later in the day he joked about what a loser I am. Usually he'll say something about me not being able to take a joke. If I show my hurt feelings, it feels like he knows my feelings will be hurt and he doesn't care. He won because of his partner. He grew up in a family that mistreated his father in the same way, which I hated. What can I say or do? This is a tough one.
- [27:33]
Gretchen Rubin
I feel like this is pretty common. You hear a lot about people who say, well, I'm just joking. One thing you can do is just say like, well, you say you're joking but no one is laughing.
- [27:42]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah.
- [27:43]
Gretchen Rubin
To me, the way something becomes a joke is that people laugh. It's like the way somebody is a standup comedian is that people laugh when they talk. If nobody laughs, you can't say, oh, I'm, I'm being funny.
- [27:53]
Elizabeth Craft
Right.
- [27:54]
Gretchen Rubin
Being funny is something that others decide. You don't decide yourself. So you could say, well, you say you're joking, but no one's laughing, least of all me. But I don't know that that's that useful.
- [28:03]
Elizabeth Craft
And sometimes it works to ask people to repeat themselves or ask what they mean.
- [28:08]
Gretchen Rubin
Yes, this often works. When people say something that's offensive and you really, you want to just point out, wait, do you want to take that again? Because a lot of times if people repeat themselves, they hear what they're saying or maybe just say like, wow, it sounds like you're actually really angry because you said something so mean. Is there something going on that might be useful?
- [28:28]
Elizabeth Craft
And one thing I think, Gretch, is to talk to him not in that moment. So at a time totally unrelated.
- [28:35]
Gretchen Rubin
Uh huh.
- [28:36]
Elizabeth Craft
Just say, you know, hey, there's something I want to talk to you about. You really may not mean anything by your jokes, but it bothers me. And if, you know, this bothers me and you're doing it anyway, is there something I'm doing that making you angry or you're upset about and this is how you're lashing out at me. Is there something deeper we need to talk about?
- [28:57]
Gretchen Rubin
Right. But not doing it as part of the moment, but really like having a separate conversation about it when both people are calm and maybe you're holding hands or something like that and just trying to have a deep conversation about it. She says that this is a pattern that was in his family of origin. And I do think that those kinds of patterns get ingrained. This is really hard. I feel like, let's hear more solutions from people because this is really, really hurtful. And that whole thing about you're just joking, you don't have a sense of humor. It's like, no, I don't have a sense of humor when people are saying mean things to me.
- [29:30]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah. And maybe she should ask him to look at it through the lens of his father. Like, do you think your dad enjoyed this? And if you think he didn't, then do you think I enjoy it? Maybe that'll be clarifying.
- [29:42]
Gretchen Rubin
Right? Interesting. I just think it's a joke if people laugh, but I don't know. But then is the rest of the family laughing? Probably not. I don't know. Interesting. Well, listeners, let us know. It's a very important question. And now for demerits and gold stars.
- [29:56]
Elizabeth Craft
Yes, Gretch, you are up with a happiness demerit this week.
- [30:00]
Gretchen Rubin
Okay, so, classic mistake. So we have a puppy, Taffy. And one of the things we have in our house is we have a dog drawer. So it's this big, deep drawer, and that's where it's like the long leash and the booties and the extra doggy bags and all that kind of thing goes in there. So with the puppy, I got things like this stuff called Nature's Miracle, which is, like, what you put on if, like, they have an accident, you put it on it to, like, get rid of the smell. And biter spray, which is if they chew on something over and over again, like the side of a rug or something or like the side of a piece of furniture, you can spray this on it. And then, allegedly, it makes them not want to chew on it and a few things like that. So I got these things for Taffy, and then I go to the dog drawer to put them away where they go. And guess what I found in the dog drawer, Elizabeth?
- [30:44]
Elizabeth Craft
Exactly what you needed. Biter spray and shampoo.
- [30:48]
Gretchen Rubin
Exactly what I needed and practically unused. So it's like a. I didn't wait until I actually needed. Well, the Nature's Miracle we did need. So I was like, well, now we have two bottles, but could very well use all of it. But I should have used up the open bottle before. But the biter spray. Turned out I had hardly ever used the biter spray in the beginning. And I just panicked with the puppy, like, oh, my gosh, she's going to chew everything. Because that's what people tell you.
- [31:11]
C
You.
- [31:11]
Gretchen Rubin
So far, she has not done that. But why didn't I check the dog drawer? We have a dog. But I literally did not even cross my mind. Now, it's true that he's 10 years old, so a lot of this stuff has been in there for a long time, but still, always check to see what you have, because a lot of times you're like, I did buy a box of brown sugar last time, or whatever. It's like, always, just check your supplies before you order stuff. It's just a good idea.
- [31:37]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, you'll be ready for the next puppy grudge.
- [31:39]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah. Okay. Wow. Okay.
- [31:41]
Elizabeth Craft
Whew.
- [31:41]
Gretchen Rubin
That's a big thought. Elizabeth, what is your gold star?
- [31:44]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, Gretchen, my gold star is to all the people who've been sending in reading retreat recommendations in our recent newsletter. I asked people for recommendations both for where you and I should go for our reading retreat. That's like within about 3 hours driving of LA. And also for what I should read. What just absolutely compelling book should I take on the reading retreat? So keep those ideas coming. Love to get the reading retreat suggestions.
- [32:12]
Gretchen Rubin
Elizabeth, this is going to be such a delightful sisterly adventure. Kind of the opposite of what we did last summer.
- [32:18]
Elizabeth Craft
It really is.
- [32:19]
Gretchen Rubin
Yeah, but delightful in a completely different way. The resource for this week, speaking of summer, is the Design youn Summer worksheet is something you can use if you want a simple way to bring more intention and fun to your summer. This is a worksheet that is going to help you plan. You can fill it out with what you want to read, watch, learn, celebrate what you want to get out of the summer. Go to happiercast.comsummerguide to get your free copy. And Alyssa, speaking of the summer and speaking of reading, what are you reading?
- [32:50]
Elizabeth Craft
I am reading Year A History of 1945 by Ian Baruma.
- [32:56]
Gretchen Rubin
And I am reading all the Way to the river by Elizabeth Gilbert. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember, remember to try this at home. Don't disparage something if it's actually important to you. Let us know if you've done it and if it worked for you.
- [33:12]
Elizabeth Craft
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada.
- [33:16]
Gretchen Rubin
And here's your rhyming reminder. And this really matters to us. It's true. We really, really do appreciate it. If you liked what you heard, you spread the word.
- [33:25]
Elizabeth Craft
Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.
- [33:27]
Gretchen Rubin
And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and and upward. So, Elizabeth, the key question for the reading retreat is how many books to read? Because, yes, you might finish one, you might not like one, you might not be in the mood for one. I feel like I could end up packing like 15 books if I'm not careful.
- [33:57]
Elizabeth Craft
Well, and I'm debating whether I want to read something really big like it by Stephen King or, you know, try to whip through a few books to have that sort of satisfied feeling of finishing.
- [34:08]
Gretchen Rubin
Ooh, I'm so curious to know what you'll decide from the onward project.