Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Episode 549

Title: Make a Love List, Back-to-School Hacks & How to Learn Someone’s Real Opinion
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Elizabeth Craft
Date: August 27, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Gretchen and Elizabeth dive into three key themes: the concept of creating a “love list” to maintain strong personal connections, a bounty of practical back-to-school hacks contributed by listeners, and an insightful strategy for learning someone’s real opinion. The tone is warm and practical, punctuated by personal anecdotes and listener tips that make the advice feel accessible and actionable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of the Love List

[04:41 – 11:55]

• Defining the Love List:
  • Gretchen introduces the idea of making a “love list” — a list of people you want to actively stay in touch with. She likens it to a tool for preventing important relationships from “drifting” due to busyness.
  • “Relationships are just a huge part of happiness. But on the other hand, we're all busy. Relationships take time, energy and money.” — Gretchen Rubin [05:00]
• How to Make & Use the List:
  • Gretchen put 50 people on hers, plans to check it weekly, and uses it to prompt quick connections (texts, calls, setting up coffee dates).
  • Elizabeth notes that relationships often come in “groups”—family, friends from college, professional circles—and questions whether to list individuals or pairs/couples.
  • “Being on my love list really doesn't have to do with how often I talk to you. I might love someone intensely who I haven't spoken to in five years.”— Elizabeth Craft [07:56]
• Reflections and Implementation:
  • The Love List helps visualize "your social map" and spot important connections neglected by life’s busyness.
  • Gretchen keeps hers displayed on a bulletin board; Elizabeth prefers hers private, worrying about others seeing if they’re “left off.”
  • The hosts encourage listeners to try different formats and share their experiences: “Maybe someone will make it a giant poster…or send postcards to everyone on the list!”— Gretchen Rubin [11:21]

2. How to Elicit Someone’s Real Opinion: The “Generalization” Hack

[14:28 – 17:31]

• The Challenge:
  • Sometimes, friends or colleagues hesitate to give honest feedback out of discomfort or perceived disloyalty.
• The Solution:
  • Ask what “most people” or “others” think, instead of asking direct opinions.
  • “If you said, well, how do most people feel about that dentist? You might hear something like, 'Well, the person is a great dentist but a lot of people don't like the fact that the dentist runs late so often.'”— Gretchen Rubin [16:08]
• Parallel Advice:
  • Referencing a previous episode, Gretchen notes a similar tactic: If you want frank help, ask, “What would you do if you were in my situation?”
  • Elizabeth: “I use that piece of advice all the time. I think that's super useful.” [17:23]

3. Back-to-School Hacks from Listeners

[17:33 – 27:08]

• Traditions and Practical Tips:
  • Gretchen shares her new tradition of “signature shoes” for each school year—with a department store lunch—for her daughters, blending nostalgia and practicality. [18:07]
  • Dorm-room hack: Don’t split cost on shared items; instead, each roommate buys separate things to avoid end-of-year hassle.
  • Do school paperwork and forms immediately as they arrive, to avoid last-minute stress.
  • Key calendar dates: Enter all school events at the start of the year.
• Listener Hacks (selection):
  • Elizabeth: “On Sunday nights I lay out five complete outfits for my first grade son for the week. It makes mornings easier.” [20:55]
  • Magdalena: Teach kids to open their own lunch containers—cafeteria staff can’t help everyone promptly. [21:07]
  • Cynthia: Buy excess school supplies and donate to teachers in need. [21:33]
  • Kirsty: Weekly after-school dates one-on-one with each child to foster communication. [21:52]
  • Candy: Let the start of school inspire you to "design your fall"—plan personal goals for the coming season. [22:22]
  • Joyce: To streamline stressful mornings, let your kids sleep in their next-day clothes—especially helpful for sensory issues. [23:01]
  • Andrea: Use a morning playlist (Taylor Swift's hits) as exterior cues for time to get ready and when to head out. [23:49]
  • Michelle: Avoid big weekend plans the first weekend after school starts—kids need rest to recover from the back-to-school transition. [24:34]
  • Lisa: Make the first day of school a minor holiday with a themed breakfast and a small gift. [26:50]
  • Christine: Together with your child, list out all acceptable breakfasts/lunches for the year and rotate; the child is responsible for updating the list. [26:27]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I can imagine people not doing it. I can imagine people doing it and then throwing it away…or making a giant poster!” — Gretchen Rubin discussing personalizing the Love List [11:21]
• “What's that phrase? Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.” — Elizabeth Craft, encouraging more deliberate work habits [32:01]
• “It’s easier to learn routines when everyone is learning it.” — Gretchen Rubin, on why the beginning of kindergarten is the best time for all kids to try the school cafeteria [25:42]
• “Whatever works.” — Gretchen Rubin, in response to unconventional but helpful family strategies [23:12]

Other Segments

Four Tendencies Tip: Obliger Identification

[27:15 – 28:23]

• Listener Pamela asks about the Four Tendencies, feeling she's a “broken upholder” because she doesn’t keep self-promises.
• Gretchen clarifies: “You are a classic Obliger…just means you struggle to keep [inner] commitments.” [28:01]
• Elizabeth, as an Obliger herself, agrees.

Demerit and Gold Star

[30:53 – 34:50]

• Demerit: Gretchen admits she’s working “too fast,” sending hasty emails without deliberate thought. She resolves to slow down.
• Gold Star: Elizabeth recommends the Real Mah Jongg app for anyone learning or playing American Mahjong: “It really helps you learn… and it's super fun.” [32:16]
• The sisters share a side discussion about the wild variety of spellings for mahjong.

Resource of the Week

[34:06 – 34:50]

• Gretchen plugs her book “Secrets of Adulthood,” a perfect gift for anyone going through life transitions like college or a new job.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:41 — What is a Love List?
• 07:02 — The group nature of relationships
• 10:34 — Where and how to keep your love list
• 14:28 — How to learn someone’s real opinion (the “generalization” hack)
• 17:33 — Back-to-school hacks and new traditions
• 27:15 — Four Tendencies tip (Obliger question)
• 30:59 — Demerit: Working too fast
• 32:16 — Gold Star: Real Mah Jongg app and extra tips
• 34:06 — Book recommendation/resource

Episode Flow & Tone

• The episode is upbeat, practical, and personal, characterized by relatable anecdotes and listener interaction.
• The hosts' dynamic is warm and playful; Gretchen is methodical while Elizabeth brings humor and self-deprecation.
• Practical wisdom is mixed with genuine affection—both for each other and for their audience.

Final Takeaways

• Try a Love List: It offers a structured way to maintain meaningful relationships amidst busy schedules—an intentional approach that only feels artificial if you let it.
• Frame Your Questions Wisely: When seeking honest feedback, ask for generalities; people tend to project their own opinions when talking about “most people.”
• Small Tweaks, Big Results: Whether it’s organizing for school, building new traditions, or efficiently solving morning chaos, minor changes yield more happiness and smoother routines.

For more, visit the episode’s show notes: happiercast.com/549