Ep. 549: Make a Love List, Back-to-School Hacks & How to Learn Someone’s Real Opinion

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Episode 549

Title: Make a Love List, Back-to-School Hacks & How to Learn Someone’s Real Opinion
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Elizabeth Craft
Date: August 27, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Gretchen and Elizabeth dive into three key themes: the concept of creating a “love list” to maintain strong personal connections, a bounty of practical back-to-school hacks contributed by listeners, and an insightful strategy for learning someone’s real opinion. The tone is warm and practical, punctuated by personal anecdotes and listener tips that make the advice feel accessible and actionable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of the Love List

[04:41 – 11:55]

• Defining the Love List:
  • Gretchen introduces the idea of making a “love list” — a list of people you want to actively stay in touch with. She likens it to a tool for preventing important relationships from “drifting” due to busyness.
  • “Relationships are just a huge part of happiness. But on the other hand, we're all busy. Relationships take time, energy and money.” — Gretchen Rubin [05:00]
• How to Make & Use the List:
  • Gretchen put 50 people on hers, plans to check it weekly, and uses it to prompt quick connections (texts, calls, setting up coffee dates).
  • Elizabeth notes that relationships often come in “groups”—family, friends from college, professional circles—and questions whether to list individuals or pairs/couples.
  • “Being on my love list really doesn't have to do with how often I talk to you. I might love someone intensely who I haven't spoken to in five years.”— Elizabeth Craft [07:56]
• Reflections and Implementation:
  • The Love List helps visualize "your social map" and spot important connections neglected by life’s busyness.
  • Gretchen keeps hers displayed on a bulletin board; Elizabeth prefers hers private, worrying about others seeing if they’re “left off.”
  • The hosts encourage listeners to try different formats and share their experiences: “Maybe someone will make it a giant poster…or send postcards to everyone on the list!”— Gretchen Rubin [11:21]

2. How to Elicit Someone’s Real Opinion: The “Generalization” Hack

[14:28 – 17:31]

• The Challenge:
  • Sometimes, friends or colleagues hesitate to give honest feedback out of discomfort or perceived disloyalty.
• The Solution:
  • Ask what “most people” or “others” think, instead of asking direct opinions.
  • “If you said, well, how do most people feel about that dentist? You might hear something like, 'Well, the person is a great dentist but a lot of people don't like the fact that the dentist runs late so often.'”— Gretchen Rubin [16:08]
• Parallel Advice:
  • Referencing a previous episode, Gretchen notes a similar tactic: If you want frank help, ask, “What would you do if you were in my situation?”
  • Elizabeth: “I use that piece of advice all the time. I think that's super useful.” [17:23]

3. Back-to-School Hacks from Listeners

[17:33 – 27:08]

• Traditions and Practical Tips:
  • Gretchen shares her new tradition of “signature shoes” for each school year—with a department store lunch—for her daughters, blending nostalgia and practicality. [18:07]
  • Dorm-room hack: Don’t split cost on shared items; instead, each roommate buys separate things to avoid end-of-year hassle.
  • Do school paperwork and forms immediately as they arrive, to avoid last-minute stress.
  • Key calendar dates: Enter all school events at the start of the year.
• Listener Hacks (selection):
  • Elizabeth: “On Sunday nights I lay out five complete outfits for my first grade son for the week. It makes mornings easier.” [20:55]
  • Magdalena: Teach kids to open their own lunch containers—cafeteria staff can’t help everyone promptly. [21:07]
  • Cynthia: Buy excess school supplies and donate to teachers in need. [21:33]
  • Kirsty: Weekly after-school dates one-on-one with each child to foster communication. [21:52]
  • Candy: Let the start of school inspire you to "design your fall"—plan personal goals for the coming season. [22:22]
  • Joyce: To streamline stressful mornings, let your kids sleep in their next-day clothes—especially helpful for sensory issues. [23:01]
  • Andrea: Use a morning playlist (Taylor Swift's hits) as exterior cues for time to get ready and when to head out. [23:49]
  • Michelle: Avoid big weekend plans the first weekend after school starts—kids need rest to recover from the back-to-school transition. [24:34]
  • Lisa: Make the first day of school a minor holiday with a themed breakfast and a small gift. [26:50]
  • Christine: Together with your child, list out all acceptable breakfasts/lunches for the year and rotate; the child is responsible for updating the list. [26:27]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I can imagine people not doing it. I can imagine people doing it and then throwing it away…or making a giant poster!” — Gretchen Rubin discussing personalizing the Love List [11:21]
• “What's that phrase? Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.” — Elizabeth Craft, encouraging more deliberate work habits [32:01]
• “It’s easier to learn routines when everyone is learning it.” — Gretchen Rubin, on why the beginning of kindergarten is the best time for all kids to try the school cafeteria [25:42]
• “Whatever works.” — Gretchen Rubin, in response to unconventional but helpful family strategies [23:12]

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Other Segments

Four Tendencies Tip: Obliger Identification

[27:15 – 28:23]

• Listener Pamela asks about the Four Tendencies, feeling she's a “broken upholder” because she doesn’t keep self-promises.
• Gretchen clarifies: “You are a classic Obliger…just means you struggle to keep [inner] commitments.” [28:01]
• Elizabeth, as an Obliger herself, agrees.

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Demerit and Gold Star

[30:53 – 34:50]

• Demerit: Gretchen admits she’s working “too fast,” sending hasty emails without deliberate thought. She resolves to slow down.
• Gold Star: Elizabeth recommends the Real Mah Jongg app for anyone learning or playing American Mahjong: “It really helps you learn… and it's super fun.” [32:16]
• The sisters share a side discussion about the wild variety of spellings for mahjong.

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Resource of the Week

[34:06 – 34:50]

• Gretchen plugs her book “Secrets of Adulthood,” a perfect gift for anyone going through life transitions like college or a new job.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:41 — What is a Love List?
• 07:02 — The group nature of relationships
• 10:34 — Where and how to keep your love list
• 14:28 — How to learn someone’s real opinion (the “generalization” hack)
• 17:33 — Back-to-school hacks and new traditions
• 27:15 — Four Tendencies tip (Obliger question)
• 30:59 — Demerit: Working too fast
• 32:16 — Gold Star: Real Mah Jongg app and extra tips
• 34:06 — Book recommendation/resource

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Episode Flow & Tone

• The episode is upbeat, practical, and personal, characterized by relatable anecdotes and listener interaction.
• The hosts' dynamic is warm and playful; Gretchen is methodical while Elizabeth brings humor and self-deprecation.
• Practical wisdom is mixed with genuine affection—both for each other and for their audience.

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Final Takeaways

• Try a Love List: It offers a structured way to maintain meaningful relationships amidst busy schedules—an intentional approach that only feels artificial if you let it.
• Frame Your Questions Wisely: When seeking honest feedback, ask for generalities; people tend to project their own opinions when talking about “most people.”
• Small Tweaks, Big Results: Whether it’s organizing for school, building new traditions, or efficiently solving morning chaos, minor changes yield more happiness and smoother routines.

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For more, visit the episode’s show notes: happiercast.com/549

Transcript

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

Lemonada.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast that gives you ideas for how to make your life happier. This week we'll talk about the value of making a love list and share so many back to school hacks from listeners. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer, studies happiness, good habits, human nature. I'm in my little home office in New York City and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, you are on the Top of any love list that I make.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And thank you, Gretch. Not surprising, you are on mine too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, good. Before we jump in, first this update.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Amy said, listening to your Saturday episode and wanted to respond about the phenomenon you were describing of the pleasure you receive from going to and fro using public transportation, etc. When Elizabeth said, maybe it's a New York thing, I exclaimed out loud, it is. Not that I can't relate in some ways with my own suburban life, but two years ago, my family took a trip to New York. We were there for five days to do all of the tourist attractions. On the first day, I was nervously leading us from place to place, glued to my map app and unsure about public transport, etc. By the last day, I remember thinking, look at me, I'm a New Yorker. My tribe of four was confidently marching the New York streets, crossing the crosswalks with the locals, hopping on and off subway trains and barely referencing my phone. And we were blissful. The New York streets were brisk and damp and bustling. Just being in New York made us feel the way you were describing it fundamentally changed us. I love this description. Love. A little love letter to New York.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Gretch, there is a power and freedom that comes from public transportation. Our parents are so good about using public transportation. And then you can just suit yourself. You can get everywhere and, you know, a city differently. And sometimes there's that little bit of learning curve and how, like, okay, how do you pay and how do they organize it? But I love this family going from newbies to, like, you know, old hands in just five days.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And it is something I appreciate about New York is that it's set up big parts of it in a way that you can easily figure it out, which is also very satisfying.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, it's figureoutable and it does. It just gives you that feeling. Oh, I'm so glad that somebody knew what I was talking about. So this week, Elizabeth, our try this at home suggestion is to make a love list and review it periodically.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Tell us what a love list is, first of all.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. Well, one thing that we talk about often is that if you're looking at people who are happier, they are the people who have strong, enduring bonds. They have people with whom they've had long, intimate connections. They can confide, they can get support, and just as important, they can give support. They feel like they belong. They. And relationships are just a huge part of happiness. But on the other hand, we're all busy. Relationships take time, energy and money. Sometimes they take forethought. And I find that for me, sometimes somebody just drifts out of touch. Not because I'm not interested in them. I just simply, like, in the busyness of everyday life, forget to think about them. You know, unless something I'm like, oh, I read this article, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I should send that to Delia or whatever. But sometimes relationships get weaker. Not because we don't care, but just because of circumstances.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, it is so true. Like, we have so many ways now of staying in touch, but sometimes we forget.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, we forget to use them. Yes, we have so many ways to stay in touch. And one way, we're hyper connected. But then it's also easy to get disconnected. And so the love list is a way to address that. So what you do is you make a list of however many people you want. I made 50 on my love list. And you just write down all the people that you really want to stay in touch with. And then periodically, like, I plan to do it once a week, just glance over the list and see, is there anybody there that I'm due for a connection? Even just shooting them a text or calling them up. Or like maybe we said, oh, you know, after school starts, we'll make a coffee date. And then you haven't done that yet. Just a quick glance, I think is going to really help me stay in much better touch with the people who are important to me.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, it's funny. Cause the other day my friend Corey texted me and said I listened to the podcast, so I feel like I've talked to you, but I realized I haven't actually seen you in weeks. Let's hike this weekend. And then we did, and then we saw each other. So that was great. Maybe she had me on a love list and she realized she needed to reach out.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Maybe she had you on a love list.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I was gonna say Gretch. One thing I realized when I was making my love list is that people usually come in groups.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm. How so? Explain.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, like I'll think about our family and that leads to a whole group. Adam's family, that's a group. Friends from college are a group. My friends from high school, TV writer friends, you know, their kids, their spouses. It's just funny how we meet people in clumps. Rarely do I have just a one off person.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Well, it's interesting cause there were some people where I almost considered them like a pair, like a couple, as one person. Cause I'm like, well, if I think of one of them, I think of the other. So I didn't want to take up two slots or like my two roommates from college. But I don't know, maybe I should have thought of them separately. I don't know. I kind of went back and forth on that. Did you list everybody separately, even if they came in a group?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I did list everybody separately, which actually made me start thinking I really need, like, a much longer list than 50 for that if I'm going to list everybody separately.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Another thing I realized is that being on my love list really doesn't have to do with how often I talk to you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I might love someone intensely who I haven't spoken to in five years. Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But then it makes you think I really want to talk to them.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Exactly. That's why it's valuable. I think. I don't need a reminder that I, you know, you're on my love list, or Adam is on my love list, or Jack.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But I do need a reminder of those people. Maybe I haven't talked to who I care about so much and I want to be connected with.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Well, one of the things that struck me, and I didn't do this, but I thought, well, maybe I'll redo the list after I've had some experience with it, is I do think it's interesting to think of how people come into your life in different roles. These are people that I met through having kids at the same school, fellow parents. Or these are people from college or from law school. Or these are people that I met because Jamie met them, and so then we both became friends with them or whatever. It might be interesting to organize them that way, because I think the way you say in clumps, there are certain things in my life where I'm like, wow, if I hadn't done that one thing, a huge number of relationships would have dropped out for me.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's a tool for more reflection than I thought. It kind of makes you see your social map in a different way. So what do you think you're going to do with your list?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I think for me, it's more about trying to connect with the people who I do love so much that I am not connected with in the moment. And it's funny, because one thing I think about, having kids, and as they get older, like Now Jack's almost 16, you end up having a lot more time to connect with people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And so I'm kind of reaching that place in my life where I feel like certain friendships can be made more prominent again just time wise, because I have more time and that's exciting.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. And just writing about the empty nest, open door phase, that is something that a lot of people find that they have more time for their friendships or they can like travel or they become closer to their parents or their siblings because also they have more time when everybody's so caught up with family life and then you have a breather. Now, I had to look up online how to make a double column because I wanted my list on one page. I did manage to do that very easily. So that's something that I pulled off. I got a little bit of jolt of satisfaction from that. I'm going to keep my list on my bulletin board. So I look at it periodically. What are you going to do to just. It's good to make the list. But then of course we want to review the list.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. I don't want to have mine up. I don't know. There's something that I doesn't. I don't want to have a list of people I love on the wall. What if someone comes in and they're not on the list?

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's a good point. It comes from a place of love, but maybe it seems a little bit strained.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, I don't know about that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, the thing that's funny is that we do have this idea that if love and friendship and everything should flow spontaneously and if you're working too hard on it, it must be kind of inauthentic and forced. But in fact, as I think about doing this, it might look inauthentic and forced to have this list on a bulletin board. But it doesn't feel inauthentic and forced. Actually, it feels warm and loving.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Whatever works for you. Yes, yes, we enjoyed making this list. We learned from it. Others might find it to be too artificial.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I can imagine people not doing it. I can imagine people doing it and then throwing it away. Kind of like I got the lesson from it. I can imagine people making it into a giant poster and hand painting it or putting stickers on it. I can imagine somebody being like, and now I'm going to write a postcard to everybody on the list. So I cannot wait to see if people play with this idea and how they put their own twist on it. So let us know if you do try this at home and how making a love list works for you. Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook. Drop us an [e-mail], or as always, you can go to the show. Notes this is happiercast.com549 coming up, we've.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Got an interesting hack about how to find out someone's opinion on something. But first, this break.

[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, this is a hack that takes a bit of explanation, but it's very useful if you remember to use it. So what this hack is meant to do is to help you find out a person's real opinion. Because sometimes we ask people for their opinion, and we really want their honest opinion, but maybe they don't want to reveal their honest opinion. Maybe they would feel like it was disloyal if they said something that was less than 100% enthusiastic. Say so. One way that you can get a sense of what they might say if they were speaking frankly is to ask them, not what do they think, but what do they think other people think, or what do they think other people's experiences are? Because the fact about human nature is that we tend to answer from our own experience now, and we talk about this feature of life all the time, which is, if you're a questioner, you assume everybody sees the world the way a questioner does, or if you are an underbuyer, you're completely baffled by what overbuyers do. It's very hard to understand sometimes other people's perspectives. So when we're trying to answer a question about something, if somebody says, well, what do you think most people think? What most people do is they figure, well, probably everybody sees things the way I do or has the same response I did, and so I'll just answer for everyone. And by answering for everyone, they tend to reveal their own opinion or add a wrinkle to it that they might not have otherwise done.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So, Gretch, I could see this like you're considering sending your children to a particular summer camp. Asking your friend, are most families pleased with the camp experience? Instead of asking, were you pleased with the camp? Could lead to a more honest answer.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There's just something different about making a generalization than answering for yourself. I could imagine you're thinking of going to a particular dentist and you want to say to somebody, how's the dentist? Who goes there? And that person might not want to say something negative, because sometimes we're like, well, I don't want to say anything bad about somebody, or you don't want to be disloyal to somebody who you basically like. But if you said, well, how do most people feel about that dentist? You might hear something like, well, the person is a great dentist. But a lot of people don't like the fact that the dentist runs late so often. Right? Because they might have felt disloyal by saying that. But when it's like, oh, a lot of people think this way. Then you're like, oh, okay, I get it. This person runs late a lot. So it's a kind of a subtle thing. But there are times where it's really helpful to phrase a question that way. And you know what? This reminds me of Elizabeth, in an earlier episode, we talked about how one thing you can do to elicit help in a different way, if you really want somebody to be helpful and they're kind of not being very helpful, is you say, what would you do if you were in my situation?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because a lot of times people will be like, well, if I were in your situation, I would do this. And you're like, oh, why didn't you just say that before? But there's something about changing the way the question is framed elicits a different answer. That is perhaps a more helpful answer.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. I use that piece of advice all the time. I think that's super useful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it's funny that it does get you a different answer. And yet it does.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And yet it does.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yep.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And now we asked listeners for suggestions for back to school. Some of us have kids that are going back to school. Some of us are going back to school ourselves. There's many people going into school or participating in this back to school vibe. And depending on you and your child or where you live and your experience, your back to school period may have started a long time ago. I always think of the summer as being June, July, August, but actually, school goes way into June. It starts way into August. It all depends. But we asked for back to school hacks, and we got a lot.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Gretch, you have actually a new back to school tradition. You told me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, I do, because, okay, both of my daughters are out of the nest. We were in the open door phase, and I decided that we would have a back to school tradition of signature shoes. We did this by accident last year because, like, a lot of us would get new outfits for school or you'd get new shoes or a special new sweater. And it was just fun having something new for the new school year. And so I decided that we would get signature shoes. And I like signature shoes because it's limited. It's not like a new outfit where, okay, we could go all over New York City. It's like, okay, if you're gonna get shoes. And I like the idea of signature shoes where it's like, get something that will remind you of this moment. And we do it together, Eliza and Eleanor and me, this year when we did it, Elizabeth, we had a department store lunch because you are the one who made me realize the fun of having a department store lunch. So we went to the department store, picked out signature shoes, had lunch. So it was a whole lovely back to school tradition.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I love it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And here's another much more practical hack. If you are somebody who has a child going to college, that is, if your child is getting something for the dorm room, tell them, do not split the cost of something. Don't like, okay, my roommate and I are gonna split the cost of a mini fridge, or we're gonna split the cost of a sofa or whatever it is, because the end of the year will come and then it's like, first of all, does anybody want the sofa? Whose responsibility is it? And what do you do about the person who isn't getting it? One roommate may not want to spend the money to buy the other person out. Or they both might say, like, well, I don't want it, but then who's in charge of doing something with it? Because you've got to clear at least. You know, with both of my kids, they had to completely clear out their dorm room. And so it's much better to split expenses. Okay, I'll get the mini fridge and you get the rug or whatever. And then you're responsible for whatever you own and you just make it fair by having the total rather than saying, let's co own something. This is something that's very easy to do at the beginning of the year. Like, you need a lamp, we need a reading lamp. Have one person buy it rather than trying to split it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, that is good advice. My advice is something I learned the hard way, which is do the paperwork right away. So don't wait. Whatever comes at you, do it right away. Schools send out a lot of emails, a lot of forms. It's always best just to do it right away.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And it always seemed that there's a really, really long email. And in the last paragraph it's like, and please immediately go to this link. And then you go to the link and it's like, okay, enter this password. And then it's. You've got to be watching like a hawk for all of the requests for paperwork, but then getting it done.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Also, this is a do as I say, not as I do. Gretch, put all the important calendar dates in your calendar. Yeah, at the beginning of the year. So all of the vacation days, all of the picture day, any of that stuff, get it into your calendar.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That is really, really good advice. Well, Another Elizabeth said, On Sunday nights I lay out five complete outfits for my first grade son for the week. It makes mornings easier. Well, that's a little Planning goes a.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Long way, Magdalena says. Help your young child transition to kindergarten or first grade by making sure they can open the food containers you give them. I thought I was helping my son out by putting his snacks into small Tupperware containers and it took the longest time for him to tell me that those were really difficult for him to open. While there's staff in the cafeteria, it can take a long time for them to help a whole grade of children open their little containers. Good point.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You don't realize it's not always easy to open those things, Cynthia said, I loved stocking up on school supplies when my kids were in school. Now that my kids are grown and gone, I still stock up on them and donate them to teachers who have students in need. This is a wonderful way to redirect that love of provisioning. You love buying school supplies. Now you're buying it for children a need.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Beautiful, Kirsty said. As my kids got older, I would have an after school date one kid at a time, go to a cafe, catch up on what's happening in their life, discuss any challenges, wrap it all up with tasty food and drink. As teenagers transitioning into young adults, it was an enjoyable moment once a week where they could unload if they needed to. I think it was helpful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well that's wonderful. That's kind of like my after school adventures, Jahan said. Finding a motto that gives me focus for the year. Well that's fun.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Candy said. I love your suggestion to design your summer. My reality as full time mom is that my children's schedules design our summer. So instead I get pretty inspired to design my fall as they return to school. Will this be the fall of a new workout program? Weekly coffee dates with friends, A big house project or series of books to dive into all of the above?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, that's fun. Design your fall Kirsty said. This is maybe an obvious hack. I make sure my backpack and desk is well organized and I buy pretty notebooks, pens, et cetera that I enjoy working with. I'm a teacher and I also make sure to have a set of books on my desk at school and at home so I don't have to carry them back and forth every day.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, that's smart, Joyce said. Don't come at me, but I let my kids sleep in the clothes they're going to wear the next day. This is especially helpful if you have one with sensory disorder.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Whatever works.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I had a friend who did that for rowing crew in college. He slept in his crew clothes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There you go, she answered for getting our morning routine in order. I was so sick of tearing the house apart for a hairbrush or charger on the way out of the door, so I just bought extras of everything. One set stays in the car, throw money at the problem judge if you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Want, but it works, maria said. If my teen insists on shorts and 40 degrees, I toss a hoodie in their backpack and zip my lips. By lunch, the weather's made my point for me. Natural consequences.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Love it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

This is a common argument among parents and children.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, andrea said. We have Taylor Swift's playlist that's 25 minutes long. By the time Tay hits the second chorus on Cruel Summer, they Know it's time for Shoes by Shake It Off. We're out the door. So I love this because this is instead of nagging and reminding you have an exterior cue to get it moving and it's fun and whimsical to have it be music that everybody likes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's fun, meredith said. One year I ended up doing my back to school shopping late. It was during the first week of school and all the supplies were on clearance. Yes, there was not as much variety, but the prices were phenomenal, maya said.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One of my kids gets up 20 minutes before the other. They get solo bathroom time and we avoid 80% of the arguments that used to happen before 8am That's a good tip, michelle said.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I learned long ago from Jen Hatmaker. Do not schedule anything for the first weekend after school starts, even if it sounds fun and celebratory and exciting to you as a parent. The kids are going to be exhausted from getting back into the swing of things.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Let them just rest, michelle said. My son is about to start his sophomore year of college across the country from us. Last year was such a shocking change for our family of three, getting used to him being so far away. One thing that helped was to plan on weekly FaceTime sessions, usually on the weekends. These have continued all year, even through the summer, as he's been working out of state. There are times when we can't make it work, of course, but not too often. I love seeing his face. This is probably more a hack for parents than children, but I think he enjoys our weekly FaceTime sessions too. Well, that's fun.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Elwin says. Even if you plan to make your child lunch every day, have them eat from the cafeteria the first week of kindergarten. Or if a new school would ever grade. It's much easier to learn routines when everyone is learning them rather than having to get hot lunch one day and not knowing how to do it. That's a good suggestion.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is a very profound observation though. It's easier to learn routines when everyone is learning it. That's a really good observation.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Diana said. We charge their devices overnight so it's the only thing to put in their bag in the morning. Everything else gets pre packed the night before. Make lunches the night before and keep cold items in the fridge. Pack everything else the night before. Always lay out clothes for the next day. Have several grab and go options for breakfast so they get to pick. And this is what I thought was the most interesting. We allow about 30 minutes to get ready in the morning. Too much time and they drag their feet. Anything less and we won't be out of the door on time. So this is interesting. I always think it would be easier the more time you have. But actually maybe you need something where you have to keep it up.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then they get more sleep. So that's interesting.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. Interesting observation. Christine says before school starts we sit down with my daughter and make a list of all potential breakfast and lunch options. Then during the year we just pick slash rotate off the list. She knows it's her job to tell us if she wants to add or remove options. I love it because it stops the weekly daily nag and forces her to take some accountability too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Lisa said I always hosted a back to school breakfast on their first day. Decorated the table all up with whatever the theme was that I created for the year. And there was always a small gift. The first day of school should be exciting and fun. I love that it's a minor holiday. I think that's so fun. Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

First day back to school holiday.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Love it. Yes. And now for a request for a four Tendencies tip. We got a question from a listener.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Pamela said, I just listened to episode 546 of Happier and I think you just hit on why. I have never been able to categorize myself by these four tendencies. I do make commitments to myself but then let myself down. The tendencies quiz makes it seem like the options are just making, keeping versus resisting. What about those of us who make commitments and desire to keep them but then don't? Where is I make resolutions all the time but then don't fulfill them. For example, I am definitely obliging outer expectations. But if I then also make but break commitments to myself that doesn't fit Rebel Upholder or straight Obliger. I think I'm some sort of broken upholder.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Pamela, you are an Obliger. You are a classic Obliger. By resisting outer expectations, that just means that you struggle to keep them. You're not following them. So you have described yourself as a classic Obliger. So there you have it. I hope that's helpful.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And as an Obliger myself, I you know, it takes one to know one. And yes, Pamela, I agree. You are an Obliger.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you want to take the quiz that Pamela mentioned, you can just go to GretchenRubin.com and you can take the free quiz there. Three million people have taken that quiz and it will give you a readout.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's so useful. Okay, Gretch, coming up, you have a demerit about working. But first, this break. Meet JLAB headphones and speakers as vibrant as your summer beach days, workout sessions, or chill moments. Find the perfect sound with JLab. JLab's colorful collection has something for every summer adventure and every moment. Think headphones and speakers and fresh summer colors with features you actually want for beach workouts, poolside chilling or sunset jamming sessions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They have so many great products. I mean, the one that I really, really Love is the JBuds Mini. These are little tiny earbuds. They fit on your keychain. I carry mine with me everywhere. They come in fresh mint, gre, sage, ocean aqua, bright pink or sleek black. I have the black. They're smaller than a coin. Perfect for small ears and for summer pockets. Plus they have their Summer speaker series. From pocket size to party size, the JLab party speaker series brings powerful sound to any summer gathering. Look for the blue box at retailers everywhere or shop jlab.com and use code happier for 15% off your order today.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretch, you know that I am the biggest fan of Audible. I absolutely love audiobooks. Audible has thousands of titles. I love a good romance and they have everything from like, the modern steamy stuff to historical. I love listening to the OG romance Pride and Prejudice. I just can't get enough. Whether I'm getting ready in the morning, whether I'm driving. I might even just sit on my couch and listen to Audible for hours.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Audible's Romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you. When it comes down to what romance you're into, you can't be pinned down. And here's your invitation to have it all. Hear modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood. The latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros and Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, plus all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day [e-mail] Happier.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, Gretch, we're back with demerits and gold stars, and this week you are up with a happiness demerit.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I have been working too fast. I have been in a mode where I'm not being deliberate. Something that I try to do is, like, every time I sit down to look at my emails, look at all my emails all at once. Cause, you know, sometimes somebody asks a question, but then somebody answers it, you kind of need to be tracking the conversation. And I get in this mode where. Where I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna fire back an answer really quickly, or I'm gonna answer from my phone and without looking at everything. Or I fire off a question to somebody without taking one second to be like, wait a minute, maybe I have the answer to that. If I just think for a moment or try to think of like, okay, where have I seen that information? Or I'll panic and be like, oh, we've gotta do this. Or, what about this? What about this? And then I have to write them an email like, oh, never mind. I figured it out. And so I'm giving myself this demerit as just a reminder to just slow down. Like, nothing that I am doing is so urgent that I need to be rushing. And I actually do better work. And I'm easier to work with for other people if I take my time and take a beat and think and act with intention instead of being like, oh, I've got so much to do, I've got to do it all.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. What's that phrase? Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. Yes. I think that's from the military, right? Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Absolutely. Or I've also heard, go slow to go fast.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. But, Elizabeth, what is your gold star? Take us up.

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right, Gretch. Well, mahjong is definitely in the zeitgeist, right? Many, many people are learning to play mahjong, which I love.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You are so on trend, Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. So I want to give a gold star to my favorite app to help you play mahjong, which is the real mahjong app. So real mahjong app. Now, it is American Mah Jongg, which means that you play with a card. So you do have to have your own card in order to use this app. And there is a charge for it. I Buy it annually. I subscribe. It is the best. It is a great app. It really helps you learn. Also, it's super fun. So definitely, if you're out there learning American Mahjong, get the real Mah Jongg app.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I like this because if you have that time when you're, like, zoning out with your phone, if you're doing this, you're building a skill, which is a skill that you really want. And so it's like a good use of your time and those moments.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. And what's fun for me to do a little side hack here, Gretch, is I love and many people do this, trying to get every hand on the card. So, like, I'll focus on just the 2, 4, 6, 8 hands and spend my time on the app just trying to get one group of hands, which will make sense to anybody who plays Majin, if not to you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It doesn't make any sense at all to me, but I take your word for it. Another side note, which is I think that mahjong may be the most common word that has the most alternate spellings.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It really does.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Of any kind of words that are out there in the world. Is it one word? Is it two words? Are there two GS? One GS? There's a lot of variations in mah Jong.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Which I should mention. This app, Mah jong is spelled M A H, new word J O, N, G, G, if anyone's wondering.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Excellent. Well, the resource for this week. As my daughter Eleanor goes back to college, I keep thinking about my book Secrets of Adulthood, which was, you know, I wrote partly for her and for my other daughter, Eliza, because it's the lessons that I learned the hard way. Secrets of Adulthood is a great gift, I think, for anyone who is entering college or wanting to start the fall with a little bit more wisdom. Maybe they have a new job or they're in a new city. This is, it's meant for people going through transitions. And if you want to sign bookplate to get a personal touch and you're in the United States or Canada, you can request [e-mail] bookplates this is something that I will actually personalize and mail to you, so request one. If you want happiercast.com bookplates Elizabeth, what are we reading?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am reading Summer in Sonoma by Robyn Carr.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm reading Pied Piper by Neville Smith. Shoot. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Make a love list. Let us know if you tried it. And if it worked for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thanks to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. And if you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now is the perfect time. You can listen completely ad free. Just tap the subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or go to lemonadapremium.com to subscribe on any other app.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And if you like the show, please tell others you know.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretchen. Did we talk about how Mah Jong made the Wall Street Journal? Because the card had a misprint this year and it was a big hubbub. Whoa.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, I didn't see that. What kind of misprint?

[Elizabeth Craft]

They just misprinted two of the hands, so then they had to send everybody new cards.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Whoa.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It was a whole thing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Wow. Intrigue from the Onward project. Every year on the Happier Podcast, Elizabeth and I invite our listeners to join us on an annual challenge. This year, we brought back the listener favorite, and it is read 25 and 25 to read 25 minutes every day. In 2025 to take our reading challenge to the next level, Lizard and I went on our first ever Sisters Reading Retreat with no distraction, just stacks of books.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Books, Gretch. I now want to do a reading retreat with Adam and Jack. But while we're away, our house would just be sitting there. What would be an even better move? Hosting our space on Airbnb. Our house could be bringing in extra income I could put toward our next vacation or more books. Whether it's a spare room, a backyard cottage, or your whole home while you're traveling, Airbnb makes it easy to turn your space into extra cash. You decide when to host and how much you charge. Plus, Airbnb offers tools to help you set up and support if you need it. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host.