Ep. 556: Schedule a Saturday Synch-up, Lessons About Getting a New Dog & How to Question a Questioner

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin – Episode 556 Summary

Date: October 15, 2025
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Elizabeth Craft
Episode Title: "Schedule a Saturday Synch-up, Lessons About Getting a New Dog & How to Question a Questioner"

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Overview

In this lively and insightful episode, Gretchen and Elizabeth address practical strategies for increased happiness and better relationships. They discuss the benefits of a weekly "Saturday Sync-Up" for household logistics, share lessons from getting a new dog, introduce a new framework for understanding personal rhythms (“Jugglers vs. Aerialists”), and answer a listener’s question about communicating with "Questioners" (in reference to Gretchen’s Four Tendencies framework). The sisters blend practical advice with personal anecdotes and listener feedback, all delivered in their warm, humorous, and straightforward style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Follow-Ups: "Taking the Trip"

• Listener Stories:
  • Amy shares the challenges and rewards of taking an eight-hour road trip with infant twins so her grandmother could meet them, noting that "it gave us the confidence to do longer day trips with them in the car" [04:32].
  • Tamara recounts how a concert trip to Nashville led her daughter to discover and ultimately attend Belmont University, exemplifying how spontaneous adventures can be life-changing [05:04].
• Gretchen’s Insight:
  • “It’s something that you regret the ones you don’t do… it built the confidence.” [05:04]

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2. Try This at Home: The Saturday Sync-Up

[06:32 – 11:07]

• Concept Introduction:
  • Gretchen explains her new weekly habit with her husband Jamie: a scheduled Saturday logistical meeting to coordinate calendars and plans, thereby reducing minor "sniping" and stress.
  • “Why don’t we do a weekly scheduling meeting? ...We just bang 'em out and then we won’t have to fuss with them during the week. So finally he agreed.” [06:44]
• Naming for Motivation:
  • Inspired by Elizabeth, Gretchen gives it a catchy, alliterative name: “Saturday Sync-Up.”
  • If missed, it can flex to “Sunday Sync-Up.”
• Benefits:
  • Reduced squabbling, better predictability, more enjoyable free time.
  • Jamie, initially resistant, becomes enthusiastic and starts bringing agenda items.
  • Can be done solo for personal logistics.
  • “Scheduling is life. I feel like I want to get a T-shirt with that!” [10:35]

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3. Happiness Hack: Lessons from Raising a New Puppy

[14:46 – 19:38]

• More Work Than Remembered:
  • Gretchen observes that getting a new puppy (Taffy) was overwhelming at first, but the hard phase was brief and manageable (helped by adopting in the spring, avoiding harsh walks in winter).
• Relaxing About Rules:
  • Gretchen admits to being “very focused on the rules” and sometimes sucking the joy from the experience by being anxious about doing everything "right." [15:55]
  • “If I would just relax, I would just have more fun.” [16:35]
• It’s Never the Dog’s Fault:
  • “If Taffy had an accident, it’s because we went too long before we took her out.” [17:03]
• New Solutions:
  • Discovers innovations such as surgical suits (instead of cones) and snuffle pads for dogs.
  • The “puppy potty log” helps families keep track of potty timing.
• Training is for People:
  • Emphasizes that ongoing training and discipline belong to the owners, not just the pup.
  • “The training is for the people. It takes a lot of discipline for the people.” [19:25]

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4. Know Yourself Better: Are You a Juggler or an Aerialist?

[19:38 – 25:20]

• New Distinction Explained:
  • Jugglers: Thrive on keeping many balls in the air, enjoy variety, a packed schedule, and moving quickly between tasks.
  • Aerialists: Prefer moving carefully and gracefully from one thing to another with space in between, value focus and "broad margins" (citing Thoreau).
  • “It’s a combination of tasks, pace, scheduling.” [21:31]
• Mixed Types:
  • Elizabeth identifies as a juggler at work but more of an aerialist at home.
  • Gretchen notes people might show one tendency at home and another at work, unlike her Four Tendencies framework.
• Implications for Transitions:
  • Recognizing your type helps navigate life changes, like entering the empty nest phase.
  • “If you knew that’s the circumstance that makes you thrive…” [24:58]

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5. Listener Question: How to Question a Questioner

[25:34 – 30:58]

• Background:
  • Christine (an Obliger) asks advice for communicating with her “Questioner” husband, who dislikes answering questions.
• The Questioner Paradox:
  • “The ironic thing about questioners is that…many questioners do not like to answer questions.” [27:22]
  • They want to know the “why” before complying or answering. Routine requests need justification.
• Practical Tips:
  • Preface questions with reasons for asking (“I’m wondering because…”).
  • Emphasize interest, not challenge (“I’m not questioning your judgment, just curious about your reasoning”).
  • Avoid arbitrary requests—explain context and necessity.
• Personal Example:
  • Gretchen shares:

    “Can you pick up sliced turkey on your way home?… Because our daughter needs lunch for her field trip.” [28:20]

• Takeaway:
  • Always provide “the why.” “Give your question purpose.” [30:36]

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6. Demerits & Gold Stars

[34:56 – 40:09]

• Demerit (Elizabeth):
  • Fails to follow up on making a podiatrist appointment. Notes that accountability (even via the podcast) is motivating, and appreciates listeners’ encouragement.
• Gold Star (Gretchen to Elizabeth):
  • Praises Elizabeth’s improved hosting, highlighting that even small efforts make gatherings festive and fun.
  • “You have really stepped up your hosting…You’re just doing it so well.” [36:28]
  • Elizabeth emphasizes that outsourcing cooking is key for her, and creativity shines in simple tablescapes rather than elaborate meals.

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7. Resource of the Week

• Gretchen announces new “Happiness Project” tools: a refreshed Moment of Happiness calendar, a Secrets of Adulthood notebook, and a bingo book of happiness-boosting hosting challenges [40:11].

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8. Reading

• Elizabeth: “Not reading anything right now, just trying to keep up with my Tolstoy.” [41:24]
• Gretchen: “Millions” by Frank Cottrell Boyce [41:30].

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9. End-Notes & Notable Quotes

• “Scheduling is life.” — Gretchen [10:35]
• “If I would just relax, I would just have more fun.” — Gretchen [16:35]
• “The training is for the people. It takes a lot of discipline for the people.” — Gretchen [19:25]
• “It’s always about the why.” — Gretchen [30:36]
• “You really don’t have to do that much to look really good and really festive.” — Gretchen [39:22]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------|------------| | Listener Feedback: Taking the Trip | 03:12–06:08| | Try This at Home: Saturday Sync-Up | 06:32–11:07| | Puppy Lessons & Hacks | 14:46–19:38| | Juggler vs. Aerialist Discussion | 19:38–25:20| | Listener Q: How to Question a Questioner | 25:34–30:58| | Demerits & Gold Stars | 34:56–40:09| | Resource of the Week | 40:11–41:17| | Reading | 41:24–41:47|

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Gretchen on Scheduling:

  “Scheduling is life. I feel like I want to get a T-shirt with that because that is the thing. Scheduling is life and it’s also part of relationships.” [10:35]

• Elizabeth on Hosting:

  “Certainly not giving myself pressure to cook… That doesn’t mean I can’t entertain. And I’m trying to embrace it because I really do think it’s important.” [37:47]

• Gretchen on Puppy Training:

  “If you have a dog that’s been around for a while or you haven’t had a dog in a while, there are a lot of new solutions and…do your research, because there might be new solutions for issues.” [18:00]

• On Questioners:

  “The ironic thing about questioners is that they often…do not like to answer questions.” [27:22] “Always provide the reason why. Never just ask something or say something without an explanation.” [28:55]

• Gretchen on Relaxing the Rules:

  “If I would just relax, I would just have more fun… Every single time I’ve been in this situation, I say to myself, relax. Have fun. It’s not a big deal. Don’t get so hung up on the rules if they don’t really matter.” [16:35]

• Elizabeth on Tablescapes:

  “People are always giving me credit for that… This is really not to the level of something that needs to be getting all kinds of flowers for. But I appreciate it nonetheless.” [38:39]

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Conclusion

This episode blends actionable tips with relatable stories, showing how small, consistent habits (like a weekly sync-up or adapting pet care) can reduce stress and increase joy. Listeners are encouraged to know themselves better—especially through frameworks like Juggler vs. Aerialist or The Four Tendencies—and to approach change with curiosity and flexibility. The warm rapport and honest self-deprecation between Gretchen and Elizabeth make these lessons especially accessible and motivating.

Try it yourself: Experiment with a Saturday sync-up (solo or with a partner), consciously relax your perfectionism, or reframe logistics as essential elements of a happier home.

For all links and listener resources: happiercast.com/556

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

It's fall. I am trying to entertain more and I love to go to Whole Foods Market for entertaining or just for my everyday needs. The 365 by Whole Foods Market brand always has great quality at great prices. Plus you can shop low price everyday items in the store and online with convenient pickup and seamless delivery.

[B]

Right? It's the combination we all want which is really good prices and also really good quality products. They have hundreds of yellow low price signs that make it easy to save without compromising the quality and ingredient standards that you expect from Whole Foods Market.

[A]

Yes, Gretch, you know I'm not much of a chef, but I do know that when I go to Whole Foods I can figure out something good to offer my guests that I can be proud of. Enjoy so many ways to save on cozy fall meals at Whole Foods Market. Lemonade.

[B]

Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for bringing happier habits into everyday life. This week we'll talk about why you might consider starting a Saturday C cup and I'll share some insights that I've gained about getting a new dog. I'm Kristen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature, secrets of adulthood and dog raising. I'm in New York City and joining me today is my sister, Elizabeth Craft, who is a proud member of Corgi.

[A]

Nation that's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in la. And Gretch. I can't believe I haven't met Taffy yet.

[B]

Oh really? No, I guess that's right. Okay.

[A]

I've seen her in many, many videos but I have not personally met her and I am dying to.

[B]

Well, before we jump in, we have a few updates from listeners who were responding to our try this at home suggestion for taking the trip.

[A]

Yes, Amy said, I have an example for taking the trip. I gave birth to twins in February this summer. My aunts my dad is one of planned a family reunion at my uncle's farm in Ohio. I live in Virginia so this is an eight hour drive before any stops. The family reunion was happening when my girls were just under six months old. It was a big trip to take with them. My parents were interested in going and they helped us by taking one of the pack and plays for them to sleep in and some other stuff. I was still pumping and we did bottles at night so we had to bring all this stuff for that. It was a lot of planning to make it happen. I knew we wouldn't be doing other big trips with them this year because grandparents are all near and aunts and uncles. Our siblings were coming here so I wanted to try to do this trip. My husband was not as enthusiastic about it. I was motivated to have my grandmother meet the babies. My grandmother just turned 97. The twins are not her first great grandchildren, but they are the newest. This ended up being the first time all seven of her kids, my dad and his siblings were together in over 20 years. My grandma was so happy to meet the babies. She kept saying that she didn't think she'd ever get to meet them. They loved her. They gave her kisses and everything. It was adorable. I saw a family that I hadn't seen in years. I knew that if we ripped off the band aid and did this trip that we would feel like we could travel with the twins and it would be easier the next time. My husband has now agreed that he really liked that the girls met their great grandmother and that we felt capable of managing a big trip with them. It gave us the confidence to do longer day trips with them in the car. We are even going to go away for a few days this fall and we are taking our dog this time. We are looking forward to it.

[B]

So again it's something that you regret the ones you don't do. It's a lot of work to travel with new twins but in the end it was great and it built the confidence. Love that. Yes, Tamara said. A couple of years ago, my family flew from Houston, Texas to Nashville, Tennessee to see my daughter's favorite musical artist in concert. She was a junior in high school at the time, planning to attend Trinity University in San Antonio. But my husband decided to pair the concert with a college visit at Vanderbilt. Looking around for a second school to visit, he landed on Belmont University. This smaller school is not on most radars in Texas high schools. Fast forward to today. Our daughter is absolutely thriving in her first semester at Belmont. She loves live concerts and Nashville really is music city. Belmont had a strong nursing program, and our daughter is on track for a career that fits her people first personality and her adventurous lifestyle. A quick trip for a concert ended up changing my daughter's life, at least in the short term and in a very good way. So this is a good example to remember that a lot of good things can happen when we just get out and around and take the trip and have adventures and broaden our horizons.

[A]

Yes. You never know what a trip will bring.

[B]

You never know. And then.

[A]

Gretchen. We wanna remind everyone about our upcoming book club episode. We are reading all the Way to the river by Elizabeth Gilbert, and Elizabeth Gilbert is gonna join us for a discussion. So please send in your questions for Liz Gilbert and your comments about the book. It's gonn to be a great conversation.

[B]

Absolutely. So this week, our try this at home suggestion is to try a Saturday sync up.

[A]

Okay. Explain what this is and why you decided to try doing it yourself.

[B]

Okay. So in the empty nest. Because I'm in the empty nest phase and I'm working on this book project, Empty Nest, which I'm reframing as the open door. One of the things that I thought I wanted to do was what can I do to get better at just life with Jamie, my husband? Now that we're less overwhelmed, how can we do a better job of communicating? I wanted us to do a better job of communicating about logistics just to make life easier. I wanted to be able to have more fun with Jamie with less squabbling. And one of the things that was really this common irritant between us was coordinating our schedules. Okay, are we free on this night for these plans? I don't know. You need to get back to me. This is all this delay. Who wanted to do what? When is something gonna get done? It was always just something that was in the background where we would be sniping at each other. It was a minor issue. It wasn't a big deal. It's Just like, oh my gosh, won't you get back to me? What about November 15th? Or whatever? But it was persistent. And so, I mean, this is the most obvious basic advice. But I finally was like, why don't we do a weekly scheduling meeting? And he was like, why do you always promote these ideas? This kind of thing really appeals to me, does not really appeal to Jamie. But I thought, why don't we just try it? Set aside time and we'll just go through these things, we'll just bang em out and then we won't have to fuss with them during the week. So finally he agreed. And Elizabeth, one thing I've learned from you is try to give something a snappy name because it always feels easier if it has a snappy name. And I love alliteration. So I decided to call it the Saturday Sync Up. And the advantage of doing it on Saturday is that if you forget you can't do it on Saturday, then you have Sunday and then it's the Sunday sync up that also works. So I keep a running list of things that we need to decide. And then at the Saturday sync up up, we just tick through them. And the great thing is, is once we had done this a few times, he was sold. He was sold. He was persuaded that this was a better way and he started bringing questions himself. Now he calls it going over our calendar. He'll say, well, can we go over our calendars? And I'm like, let's go over our calendars. But it's the same thing. And then what we'll also do, this is what he likes to do. Not only is it like, are you free on November 15th? But he'll say, let's just go over the next few weeks. Who's out at night? Is anybody traveling? Is there anything exceptional? I love that because I love predictability. Anyway, it's making it a lot easier for us to coordinate. So it means less squabbling and more syncing up. So it's working out really well.

[A]

Well, Adam and I, I must say, are not good about doing things like coordinating. And I think this is a great idea. Now, I do anticipate when I suggest that he's going to be resistant, but I think what I should say is this very well may not work, it may be useless, but why don't we try it like you were saying? So let's just try it and see. And then if it works well, I'm sure, like with Jamie, it'll take hold.

[B]

Well, one of the things I would say, like having A child in high school keeping track of all the days off.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, it'd be really helpful if you're like, oh, let's just look at the calendar for two weeks. You're like, oh, by the way, there's no school next Monday. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize it until practically the night before.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There are a lot of advantages when you do a little bit of planning. Now this is so basic. I mean, this is like the first thing that people tell you to do. And it is one thing where you have to have somebody's cooperation, which always makes things harder. I like things that you can do on your own because then you don't have to wait for somebody else to cooperate.

[A]

Although I will point out, Gretchen, you could have a Saturday sync up with yourself. I mean, I can definitely use that. If I looked at my own calendar and the school calendar. Yeah, every Saturday, that would be a very good idea. So I could see if I have doctor's appointments.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Or if I need, you know, something ready by a certain day. So you could do your own sync up.

[B]

Well, and you know what sometimes I find is like a day is surprisingly open and you're like, oh, this would be a good opportunity for me to do X, Y, Z.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But yeah, well, this is my mantra. Scheduling is life. I feel like I want to get a T shirt with that because that is the thing. Scheduling is life and it's also part of relationships. So I love this Saturday sync up. So let us know if you do try this at home and how doing a Saturday sync up works for you, or what do you call it? I'm sure many people do this. They figured this out before I did and found a different name for it. Let us know on Instagram threads, Tik Tok, Facebook. Drop us an [e-mail] or as always, you can go to the show notes. This is happiercast.com556 for everything related to this episode.

[A]

Coming up, we've got some puppy hacks. But first, this break.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

You know how much I love Audible. Audiobooks are such a huge part of my life. I'm always, always telling people to start listening to audiobooks. What I love is that Audible has something for everyone. My most recent book I have teed up to listen to is 4th Wing by Rebecca Yarros. I am a huge romance lover, have been since I was 12 years old and I've heard so much about this book. I cannot wait to start listening.

[B]

Yeah, that's the great thing about Audible. They have whatever you're in the mood for. You can hear modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazel, the latest Romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and yes, Rebecca Yarros and Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander. Plus all the really steamy stuff. Whatever you're looking for, you can find the audiobook you will love. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day [e-mail] Happier.

[A]

Okay, Gretch, we are back with this week's Happiness Hack and it is inspired by your dog, Taffy.

[B]

Yes. So we have now had our dog Taffy for six months. And here is what I would say if anybody is thinking about getting a puppy, that it is more work than we remembered we had a puppy before when we got Barnaby. And just like so often is the case, you forget how much work it is at the beginning. But then it's also true that it. We got used to her and she got used to us very quickly. And so at the beginning it seemed really overwhelming, but that overwhelming period didn't last that long. So I would say that. I would also say if you're getting a puppy, it's really nice to get a puppy in the spring, especially if you live someplace like New York City where you have to walk your dog. Because I just find it so much easier to walk outside when the weather is nice. And if she'd come into our life like in November and it was the bitter, bitter cold, that would have just made it a lot harder because especially with a puppy, when you're just walking and walking and walking and waiting for them to, like, just. Just feel the urge to pee so you can reward it and reinforce it. We spent a lot of time just like walking around the block. So I was glad that the weather was nice, got me out, you know, on beautiful springtime and summer days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's something that I learned from my daughters. I learned from Barnaby, I learned from Taffy. And yet I still did it, even though I know perfectly well better, which is that maybe it's my upholder self. I get very focused on the rules. I get very focused on the right way to do something. I get very uptight. I get very anxious if we're not doing things exactly right to a degree that just is unnecessary. It's not productive. It's not helpful. It just makes me cranky. It makes things less pleasant for the people around me because I'm always correcting them. Jamie does not feel this way. So he's always like, you think this is a big deal? It's not a big deal. I'm like, but this is what they said to do. And so I don't take as much pleasure as I should. Like, if I would just relax, I would just have more fun. And every single time I've been in this situation, I say to myself, relax. Have fun. It's not a big deal. Don't get so hung up on the rules if they don't really matter. And then I just do it all over again. So someday I will figure this out.

[A]

Maybe by the time you're a potential grandmother, you will have figured that out.

[B]

Yes. I want to remind myself of this rule. I wanna say it's never the dog's fault. If Taffy had an accident, it's because we went too long before we took her out. If she chewed on something, it's because we forgot and left something on the floor. If you're doing dog training, it's to train the people. It's never the dog's fault. And then there's two final things I would say. One is if you have a dog that's been around for a while or you haven't had a dog in a while. There are a lot of new solutions and, like, new pet things that we didn't know about since Barnaby was a puppy. When Taffy was spayed, she had an incision, and she didn't have to wear a cone because she could wear a surgical suit, which she didn't seem to mind at all. And, you know, they hate wearing the cones. So I had never known that such a thing was possible. So that was a great solution that I didn't know.

[A]

Gretch. I didn't know about this. Our dogs have had to have surgery before, and next time, if it happens, I am gonna absolutely do this. It's so much better.

[B]

Yeah, it's so much better. It depends on where the incision is, but it's so much better. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know about snuffle pads, which both of our dogs just get a real big kick out of. It's just like a pad where they snuffle. It's really fun. The puppy potty log, which is really good when you're in those early stages, when you're like, when did we take her out last? Like, you can look it up even if a lot of different people are trading off. So do your research, because there might be new solutions for issues. And then the final thing I would say is, it really is fun to have a dog. It was a lot of work, but we really do enjoy having both. It's fun to have two. We loved having Barnaby, and we really really love having bar and taffy. And it really is a great family adventure for all. Eliza and Eleanor, of course, are ecstatic. They're like dog grandparents. They're there for fun and then they walk away.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah. But it is so fun to have taffy in our lives.

[A]

I love it. And of course, Gretchen, always, anyone has to remember with a puppy, do the training and stick to it. Adam and I petered off on our training, and we are paying for it now. I saw Corgi at the airport who was so well trained, and I asked the owner, I said, I have to ask, what are you doing to have this amazingly quiet, well behaved corgi? And she said, a lot of training. So much training. And I just kind of hung my head and skittered away. Guilty that I had not done that. So we got to recommit.

[B]

Yeah. The training is for the people. It takes a lot of discipline for the people. We were just saying that, too, that we need to be better about touch and sit and all the training things.

[A]

Yeah, well, dogs make us happier. But there is a lot to learn.

[B]

There is a lot to learn. And now for a know yourself better question. This is one that I have just recently started exploring, and I'm so excited about it.

[A]

So what is it?

[B]

Okay, so as I often say, I'm writing a book about Project Empty Nest, about the empty nest stage or also the open door stage. And as I was thinking about people's experience of the empty nest, I started noticing a larger distinction among people. So this is. People experience this as part of the empty nest transition, but people experience it all times. This is a distinction that I think is really helpful. So I'm introducing it here. I'm workshopping it here. And this is the distinction of whether you are a juggler or an aerialist. So jugglers are people who love to juggle. They love to have a lot of balls in the air. They like the adrenaline and the excitement of keeping it all going. They like a packed schedule. They like going from here to there. They like variety. They thrive on being able to go from thing to thing. And they just really like that feeling of having a lot of balls in the air. And they do it well. They thrive on that. Then there are the aerialists. And these are the people who, like, they want to stand in just the right place, grab the bar, swing gracefully, taking their time from one place to another with pauses and deliberation and, you know, and a little bit of a break in between and to really do it carefully and slowly. One thing at A time. And you can see how jugglers and aerialists really just prefer to go through the world in a different way. And I definitely am an aerialist. There's a line from Thoreau where he says, I love a broad margin to my life. And I've always thought of that because with transitions, I don't like to go straight from one thing to another. I like a margin. I want to go from one thing to another with a break in between. I like to be very, very focused. It's taken me a long time. I write books. We have the podcast. I have newsletters. I have all these things. And it took me a while to get used to it because I was like, oh, I like just writing books all the time. I like just the one thing. So Even managing projects. But I think that it's a combination of tasks, pace, scheduling. So, Elizabeth, what do you think? You're kind of forced to be a juggler from your profession these days? It seems like.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna say I think I am a juggler, because working in tv, even though we are TV writers, writing is only part of what we do. We also do editing, casting, props, locations, everything. So you're kind of natural. You have to juggle all these different duties, but it's all within one umbrella. So it's sort of both juggling and not, you know. But I would say I'm probably more of a juggler. I was just thinking, you know, in my personal life, am I more a juggler or an aerialist? And I think probably in my personal life, I'm more of an aerialist. I'm not good at, like, breakfast with someone, then lunch with someone else, and movie that night. You know, I'm kind of a one thing a day person.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But professionally, I think I'm a juggler.

[B]

Well, see, this is really interesting because with the four tendencies, I always say to people, you're not an upholder at work and an obliger at home. You are what you are, though different circumstances can bring it out of you. But I think you're right that there are people, one in your private life and one in your professional life. Or maybe you're one in some aspect of what you're doing, but then in another, you really like to take your time. So, anyway, this is just something that's occurred to me. It kind of reminds me of marathoners and sprinters, which have to do with your preferred work pace, because I think it's just helpful to understand why people might prefer to do something differently. You can imagine if You're a juggler parent, and you have an aerialist child, you might feel like, why aren't they moving faster? Like, why don't they want to get more things done? Or if you're a juggler kid and you have an aerialist parent, you're like, wait, I want to do more things. Let's do this, let's do that. And the parent's like, we can't tear around town doing a million things in a day. And the juggler could say, oh, that sounds like fun. That's what I'd like to do. Or you could be in a situation where if all of a sudden you switched jobs and so all the juggling went away, and then you felt like, oh, my gosh, what should I do with my time? Knowing that you were a juggler or knowing that you were an aerialist would let you go through the transition and know how to set yourself up for the circumstances that you like best. So, anyway, I'm just starting to think about this, so I would love to hear what listeners think. Does this strike a chord? How do you think about it in your own life? Because I really want to deepen it, because, Elizabeth, you already pointed out, can you be both in different aspects of your life? I think that's a really interesting question. But I bet people have noticed other things about this distinction, because once I put words to it, I'm like, this is a pretty obvious distinction. Maybe some people are sort of in between, but there are a lot of people that are very clearly on one or the other. You can just tell from being around them.

[A]

Well, yeah, and I can absolutely see that if you're entering the open door phase of life and. And having kids at home definitely creates juggling. And if that's gone and you then don't have it, you are gonna feel at sea. So you need to find ways to get that back into your life, which is absolutely possible. But if you don't know you're missing it, you don't know to find it.

[B]

That is exactly the context in which I realized this distinction, because hearing what people were saying, I was like, it's an aspect of parenthood that you're missing. But you could recreate that in other ways if you knew that that's the circumstance that makes you thrive. So that's exactly how I figured it out. I can't wait to hear what people have to say. Juggler versus aerialist. Weigh in.

[A]

I like those terms.

[B]

I'm glad to hear that, because it took me a very, very, very long time to come up with those terms. So thank you. I'm glad that you like them. I worked hard. But now for a listener question. This comes from Christine.

[A]

She says, I love your podcast and your Four Tendencies framework has changed my life. I now understand myself and others so much better, which has improved my relationships and my well being. My question for you is how can I best question a questioner? I am an obliger. My husband is a questioner. Like your husband who is also a questioner. My husband frequently asks me questions about everything, but when I ask him a question he often acts offended. I am wondering if there is a phrase I can use to preface the question like I'm wondering about your opinion of X, Y, Z. Or maybe I could provide options on how to answer. Are you thinking you are too busy this week or would Friday work for going out? I would love your help as well as insights from other questioners who listen to the podcast.

[B]

Excellent. Okay, so if you don't know what we're talking about, you can go to GretchenRubin.com quiz and take the Four Tendencies quiz and it will tell you your tendency and give you a little report about the tendencies. But we will just talk about the tendencies as if people know what they are. So the ironic thing about questioners is that they don't like often, not all questioners, but many questioners do not like to answer questions. So remember, a questioner is somebody who resists outer expectations, but they meet inner expectations. So they'll meet an expectation if it makes sense. So they're making everything an inner expectation. So they do something if it makes sense to them, if they think it's justified, if it's the efficient, most customized way to do something. And they often are told that they ask too many questions. My husband Jamie won't do anything I ask him to do unless I explain why. If I'm like, what time are we leaving? I have to say, what time are we leaving? Because I want to know if I have time to go to the gym because otherwise he won't answer me. This is ironic. Questioners don't like to answer questions, but it is a pattern that you see among many questioners.

[A]

So what are some of your suggestions for Christine?

[B]

Okay, so a subtlety is that many questioners don't like to answer questions because they don't like to explain their rationale. They feel like, I've already done the research, I've come up with my rationale. I don't want to have to explain myself. So that's part of why they resist questions, but they often like to teach. They like to explain. If they're learning and teaching. It's kind of a funny distinction because it sort of amounts to the same thing. But it seems like one of the ways you can get a questioner to answer questions is you say something like, that's interesting. I'm not questioning your judgment. I'm interested to know your reasoning. So I could do it that way later, or something like that. So you say, I am not questioning you, but I'm interested to know why you chose what you chose or why you're thinking what you're thinking. And so in that way, they will sometimes provide those explanations. Another thing is always to provide the reason why. Never just ask something or say something without an explanation, because they'll just be like. Like, I don't know why you wanna know that. And so I don't think that it deserves an answer. And I have to say, with my husband, it is bananas. I one time said to him, can you pick up sliced turkey on your way home from work? And he didn't do it. And I was like, why didn't you do it? And he said, we have plenty of food in the fridge. Why do I need to stop and get sliced turkey? And I was like, because our daughter needs to bring lunch to school because she's going on a field trip. And he said, why didn't you tell me? And I said, because why do I need to tell you if I'm asking you to do something? I'm not asking you to do something just out of the thin air. Can't you just assume that I'm asking you because I have a good reason? No, he will not assume that I have a good reason. I have to tell them the good reason. But now I know. If I say to him, hey, can you stop and pick up this sliced turkey because Eliza has to pack a lunch to take on a field trip? Then he'll do it because he's very cooperative. It's not that he's not reasonable. He doesn't think it's reasonable to do something if you don't have a good reason.

[A]

And now you just do that reflexively. And it's not like it's extra effort. You just automatically do it.

[B]

I would say 80% of the time, I remember to do it. There are times when I forget to do it. And it is extra work to be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's not that it's costless. I will say that I wish that he would just do something because I ask him to do it and just trust that I have a reason. But I've just found that he just cooperates much more. So I do have to remind myself to do it. And I don't always remember, but I do try to do it automatically and remember anything that seems arbitrary to a questioner. They will resist. So if you say something like, can you get $500 from the bank? Why $500? There's no explanation for that. I think we only need two, because why do I know? Or we need to clean out the basement by the end of the month. It's like, why? That's a totally arbitrary date. You have to explain why. Because your parents are coming to visit and we need to have the basement cleaned so that they have a place to store their luggage or whatever it is. You always have to explain that something isn't arbitrary. So when you ask a question, you want to explain why you're not just asking this out of thin air, but there's a reason that you're asking. I want to know what time you're going to be home from work because I'm wondering if I need to go ahead and walk the dogs or if it's something that you're going to have time to do. Right? They think of this as like, these questions are idle questions unless there is a reason that someone needs the information. So again, it's a thing. It's always about the why.

[A]

Give your question purpose.

[B]

Yes, why do you want to know? That is the heart of the questioner. If you lined up a bunch of people the way you would know a questioner, it's because when you say, please hand in your report by Friday afternoon, they would say, why should I? What time are you getting home from work? Why do you want to know? That is the heart of questioner.

[A]

Okay, so listeners, especially you questioners out there, weigh in, tell us how the people in your lives can can ask you questions effectively. All right, coming up, I give myself a follow up to merit Gretch. But first this break. Peloton is shaping the future of fitness with the brand new Peloton Cross training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton iq, this is Peloton's most elevated equipment with real time guidance and endless ways to move on your own or with your favorite instructors. It's cross training reimagined with features designed to make your workout more personal. Gretch, you know that I love an instructor. I love to be told what to do and when to do it. I like to be able to take different classes to change it up and with my personality, this is how I can get the best workout out. The variety of classes I can get with the Cross Training Tread plus is unmatched. They have nailed it.

[B]

Peloton IQ even tracks your progress and suggests weights that challenge you so you can get stronger. The new movement tracking camera allows Peloton IQ to count your reps and correct your form in real time, taking the guesswork out of your workout so you can train safer, lift smarter and make every rep count. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go explore the new peloton cross training tread plus at 1peloton.com huge savings on.

[A]

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[B]

It's like having a personal assistant built right into your PC to cover the menial tasks so you can focus on what matters. That's the power of Dell AI with Intel inside with deals on Dell AI PCs like the Dell 16 plus starting at $749.99, it's the perfect time to refresh your tech and take back your time. Upgrade your AI PC today by visiting Dell.com deals that's Dell.com deals.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. So Gretch, October 10th is World Mental Health Day and this year we are saying thank you therapists. You know how much I appreciate therapists in my own life. Therapy has made such a huge difference. When I was a young aspiring television writer and thinking I might quit because it was too hard, my therapist really talked me through it and I wouldn't have my career today without her.

[B]

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can find the right person to help you focus on your therapy goals. If you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] GretchenRubin that's betterhelp.com GretchenRubin okay, Elizabeth, it's time for demerits and gold stars. And this is an even numbered episode, which means it's your turn to talk about a demerit. So you have a follow up demerit. But you and I both have many had repeat demerits and follow up demerits. What is it?

[A]

Well, just the last time I gave myself a demerit, it was for the fact that I had not gone to see a podiatrist about a toe that's bothering me. And might I say so many listeners wrote in very helpfully with suggestions about how to find a podiatrist or how to think about going to the podiatrist. I really appreciate that. Nonetheless, I still haven't asked anyone for a direct recommendation for a podiatrist. I haven't made an appointment. I certainly haven't gone. So I haven't fulfilled my end of what I said I would do. So I just wanted to give myself this very urgent follow up demerit so.

[B]

That I will do it to increase the accountability. Elizabeth, I have to say I was very touched by how seriously people took this dilemma. People are rooting for you.

[A]

Very touched.

[B]

Listeners really want you to go to the podiatrist. People really identify with this. I think this is the kind of thing that, because it's important, but it's not absolutely urgent. It's not terribly unpleasant. But it's kind of unpleasant. It's sort of a nuisance. It wouldn't be that hard if you just sat down to do it. And yet you never feel like sitting down to do it.

[A]

Exactly. So thank you listeners. I'll keep everyone posted. Hopefully it won't take me as long to go to the podiatrist as it did to get my will finished. Because that was like four years. So gonna be better.

[B]

But the thing is, don't even think about going to the podiatrist right now. All you have to do is the recommendation.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

Keep the bar low. I'm rooting for you.

[A]

Thank you. All right, Gretchen, what is your gold star this week?

[B]

Well, Elizabeth, you may have gotten a demerit related to your feet, but I want to give you a gold star related to your hosting because you have really stepped up your hosting in the last year or so. This is something that has really been an aim of yours for years. I think, I think on the annual lists, you know, the 25 for 25, 24 for 24. I mean, when we started, I don't. We should look up when we started them. I don't remember the first year that we did them.

[A]

It might have been 2018.

[B]

That rings a bell for me, too. I want to look that up anyway, all the way back to whenever we started. I think at least one item on your list has always been related to hosting, entertaining. And it's something that you've really worked on and cultivated and. And now you're really doing it. I mean, many, many, many times a year in all different kinds of ways.

[A]

I wouldn't say many, many times.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But a few times.

[B]

I mean, more than three.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that's maybe not 20.

[A]

Yes. More than three a year. Yeah.

[B]

And I think you count family things, parent things, friend things, dinner things, brunch things, daytime things, night things, all these things, game nights, all these things. And you're just doing it so well. And it does seem like you and I always are always saying to each other, it'll get easier if we do it more. And it does seem like it's getting easier as you do it more.

[A]

It does get easier, partly because you do kind of the same things over again. I want to get more creative, but certainly not giving myself pressure to cook. That I can get food and bring it in. That's a big key to the whole thing because I am just not going to cook. It's not going to happen, at least not at the this juncture of my life. Should something major happen and I start to enjoy cooking, that could change. But for the foreseeable future, I will not be cooking. But that doesn't mean I can't entertain. And I'm trying to embrace it because I really do think it's important.

[B]

Well, I think it's also great that you found the parts that you enjoy putting your creative spin on it. You really like the tablescape part of it. Some people express their creativity through the food. And you're more interested in presentations in terms of where you're putting your own energy. Obviously you want the food to be good.

[A]

Yeah. Now, Gretchen, I have to stop you for a second and just laugh because you and others have been complimenting my tablescape, which I appreciate. But you have to understand how basic it is. So I don't want anyone out there thinking I'm doing these amazing tablescapes. I am doing the most basic thing. But for me, doing anything is something. But I just have to giggle. Cause people are always giving me credit for that. And I'm like, this is really not to the level of something that needs to be getting all kinds of flowers for. But I appreciate it nonetheless.

[B]

But let's turn that on its head. The other way you can interpret that is you really don't have to do that much to look really good and really festive.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

Maybe it's basic. It doesn't take that much to really look elevated. You're like, oh, this looks like fun. This looks like a party. You don't have to have a million bits and bobs and napkin rings and doodoo dads and miniature things and whatever people have and, like, really unusual plates and glasses and all that. With just a little bit, you really do make something look festive and fun.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you've really encouraged me again, like, with the second dog. I'm like, wow, Lissa really loves having that second dog. I'm like, elizabeth is really doing this. It's really getting me thinking, well, how can I do it in the way that's right for me and is fun? It does get easier the more you do it. It's true, and it's fun and it's important. So I want to give you a gold star, and you're also an inspiration for me, so that's great.

[A]

Well, I will take that. Thank you.

[B]

Okay, so the resource for this week, I have been working on some new Happiness Project tools, and they are finally here. It has been a long journey, but they are ready. I did a refreshed Moment of Happiness calendar with daily quotations. You know how much I love a quotation. I love to share my favorite quotations, so I love doing the Moment of Happiness calendar. Plus, I love a Page a day calendar. So it's a delight to me that I have my own. There's a Secrets of Adulthood notebook for you to write down your own life wisdom if you want, or you can do it for anything. And then the thing that I am most excited for is a bingo book, which is a curated collection of the Happiness Boost hosting challenges. Love a bingo. Love a challenge, Elizabeth. You do not need to buy one of those for yourselves. Let's just say it may show up in your Christmas stocking, but you can see all of this, plus a special podcast bundle and some other stuff that I've got there. It's [e-mail] shop. I love working on these things. Speaking of juggling, this is a ball I love to have in the air. It's just like a whole different way of thinking about connecting with an audience, with material. It's so fun.

[A]

Yes. Lots of Christmas shopping there, Gretch.

[B]

There you go. Yes. What a good Sister Elizabeth, what are we reading? What are you reading?

[A]

You know, I am so busy, Gretchen. I am not reading anything right now. Just trying to keep up with my Tolstoy.

[B]

Well, that counts every day. One chapter. And I am reading Millions by Frank Cottrell Boyce. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Try try a Saturday sync up. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.

[A]

Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. If you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now is the perfect time. Just tap that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or go to lemonadapremium.com and now.

[B]

For your rhyming reminder. Thank you to our listener, Anna, who sent in a new suggestion. She wrote, if you like to listen, tell your friends what they're missing in I love it.

[A]

Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[B]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward.

[A]

Wait. So, Gretchen, do you feel like you and Jamie are sniping less now that you have the Saturday sink up?

[B]

Oh, absolutely. It was usually me sniping at him. I can't move forward with my calendar until you tell me about such and such a date. So I think that's part of why he likes doing it, is that in the end he's like, oh, this could save me some irritation down the road. So it's working Nice. So far from the Onward project.

[A]

Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here. We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?

[B]

Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier with greater self knowledge. We're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever you get podcasts, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships Keke Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success Us Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.