Little Happier: Drifting Through Life: When Not Deciding Becomes a Decision - Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Little Happier: Drifting Through Life: When Not Deciding Becomes a Decision"

Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Host: Gretchen Rubin
Episode Release Date: May 12, 2025

Introduction to "Drift"

In this episode of Happier with Gretchen Rubin, Gretchen delves into the concept of "drift," a subtle yet powerful force that influences our life decisions. Drawing from her new book, Secrets to Adulthood, Gretchen explores how drifting—making choices by inaction or subtle conformity—can shape our personal and professional lives, often without our conscious awareness.

Defining Drift ([00:59])

Gretchen introduces drift as follows:

Gretchen Rubin [00:59]: "Decisions will be made by choice or by chance. Because not deciding is a decision. Not choosing is a choice."

Drift occurs when we make decisions passively or without deliberate intention, leading to outcomes that may not align with our true desires or values. It's the silent steering of our lives through seemingly minor, often overlooked decisions.

Drift in Professional Life ([02:30])

Gretchen shares personal insights into how drift can manifest in our careers:

Gretchen Rubin [02:45]: "I drifted into law school. I didn't know what else I wanted to do. It seemed like a legitimate, useful way to get more education. It would keep my options open."

By choosing a path not out of passion but out of convenience or external expectations, individuals may find themselves entrenched in careers that do not fulfill them. Gretchen highlights that while in her case, drifting led to a positive outcome, many others may not experience the same satisfaction.

Drift in Personal Life ([05:15])

Expanding beyond career choices, Gretchen discusses how drift can influence personal relationships and lifestyle decisions:

Gretchen Rubin [05:50]: "You get married because all your friends are getting married. You move to the suburbs because everyone your age is moving to the suburbs."

These decisions, made to fit in or avoid conflict, can lead to significant life changes that might later result in regret or dissatisfaction. Gretchen recounts the story of her engaged friend who succumbed to drift, leading to an unhappy marriage and eventual divorce.

The Hidden Effort Behind Drift ([08:00])

Contrary to the perception that drift is an easy path, Gretchen explains that it often requires substantial effort:

Gretchen Rubin [08:30]: "Drift is often disguised by a huge amount of effort and perseverance. For me, following the path of law was hard, from studying for the LSAT to getting through law school, to clerking to taking the bar exam."

This reveals that drift is not merely about taking the path of least resistance but about unsticking oneself from unconscious decision-making processes that may lead to unfulfilling outcomes.

Distinguishing Drift from Mindful Decision-Making ([10:45])

Gretchen clarifies that not all indecision or following a natural path equates to drift:

Gretchen Rubin [11:00]: "Drift is different from mindfully deciding not to decide. If you're actively weighing your options, this isn't drift."

When individuals are actively engaged in making choices, considering various options and their consequences, they are steering their lives rather than drifting.

Assessing If You're Drifting ([14:20])

To help listeners identify drift in their lives, Gretchen mentions a practical tool:

Gretchen Rubin [14:35]: "If you're wondering if you're drifting, I created a checklist that's posted on the GretchenRubin.com site. I'll post a link to it in the show notes, or you can just search 'Gretchen Rubin Quiz Are you Drifting?' The more statements that you check off, the greater your risk for drifting."

This self-assessment encourages proactive reflection and awareness, essential steps in taking control of one's life trajectory.

Overcoming Drift ([16:50])

Recognizing drift is the first step toward change:

Gretchen Rubin [17:05]: "To end drift, we must recognize that we are drifting. It can be painful to contemplate, but it's valuable."

Acknowledging the presence of drift empowers individuals to make conscious, intentional decisions moving forward.

Key Takeaways and Inspirational Insights ([19:30])

Gretchen shares profound insights to encapsulate her message:

Gretchen Rubin [19:45]: "Approval from the people we admire is sweet, but it's not enough to be the foundation of a happy life."

She also references a poignant quote from George Bernard Shaw to underscore the importance of intentional living:

George Bernard Shaw in Man and Superman: "To be in hell is to drift. To be in heaven is to steer."

Conclusion ([21:15])

Gretchen wraps up the episode by reiterating the fundamental truth about happiness:

Gretchen Rubin [21:30]: "In order to create a happier life, we have to know ourselves and build our lives around our own nature."

By understanding and combating drift, listeners are encouraged to take the helm of their lives, steering towards fulfillment and authenticity.

Resources Mentioned:

Book: Secrets to Adulthood by Gretchen Rubin
Drift Checklist: Available on GretchenRubin.com

This episode serves as a compelling exploration of how unconscious decisions shape our lives and offers practical tools for listeners to regain control, fostering a path toward greater happiness and self-alignment.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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B (0:39)

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A (0:59)

Lemonade I'm Gretchen Rubin and this is a little happier. As I may have mentioned, I have a new book, Secrets to Adulthood, which is a collection of one sentence lessons I've learned with time and experience about life. One of my secrets of adulthood is Decisions will be made by choice or by chance. Because not deciding is a decision. Not choosing is a choice. This secret of adulthood is related to the subject of drift, a subject that I've written about many times. Drift is the decision we make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which we don't take responsibility. Maybe we're not sure what to do, so we take the easiest course. Maybe a particular decision would make someone else very happy or keep them from being angry. So we do it. I fear drift. Drift feels small, but once unleashed, drift is a powerful, often almost unstoppable force. Drift can show up in our work lives. You go to medical school because both your parents are doctors. You take a job because someone offers you that job. I drifted into law school. I didn't know what else I wanted to do. It seemed like a legitimate, useful way to get more education. It would keep my options open. I could always change my mind later. I was good at reading and writing. I didn't really think much about the decision. As it turns out, I'm very glad I went to law school. Drift sometimes does lead to a happy result, which contributes to its dangerous appeal. But I didn't approach law school mindfully, and many, many people who go to law school aren't happy that they went. Just taking one drifting step can set you on a course that's very hard to stop. In my case, I drifted into taking the lsat. The law school application test? Why not? Might as well. Could come in handy. Maybe I'll be glad I did. Et cetera. And drift can also show up in our personal lives. You get married because all your friends are getting married. You move to the suburbs because everyone your age is moving to the suburbs. An engaged friend made it very obvious she didn't want to get married. I asked her. Imagine that something happened and you couldn't get married next month. Your fiance absolutely had to move to China for a year alone, immediately. How would you feel? Ugh. Relieved, she said. And yet, when he asked her to marry him, she said yes. When he said they needed to set a wedding date, she went along. She went through with the wedding and got divorced a year later. To be sure, drift is different from mindfully deciding not to decide. Some situations look like drift, but aren't. We may be following a pathless path, and that's fine if that's what we intend to do. Or we may need to choose between multiple courses with their pros and cons. And we're still deciding this isn't drift because we're actively weighing our options. However, if this goes on too long and it's hard to know what's too long, this can become drift. The word drift makes drift sound like the easy path because drift has overtones of laziness or ease. But that's not the case. Drift is often disguised by a huge amount of effort and perseverance. For me, following the path of law was hard, from studying for the LSAT to getting through law school, to clerking to taking the bar exam. If you're wondering if you're drifting, I created a checklist that's posted on the GretchenRubin.com site. I'll post a link to it in the show notes, or you can just search Gretchen Rubin Quiz Are youe Drifting? The more statements that you check off, the greater your risk for drifting. To end drift, we must recognize that we are drifting. It can be painful to contemplate, but it's valuable. One of my drift related secrets of adulthood is you can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do. And here's another one. Approval from the people we admire is sweet, but it's not enough to be the foundation of a happy life. And here's the secret of adulthood by someone else. George Bernard Shaw in Man and Superman to be in hell is to drift. To be in heaven is to steer. It comes back, as always, to a fundamental truth about happiness in order to create a happier life, we have to know ourselves and build our lives around our own nature. I'm Gretchen Rubin, and I hope this makes your week a little happier from the Onward Project.