More Happier: Four Tendencies for Obligers—3 Challenges and How to Handle Them [Revisited]

Summary

Podcast Summary: Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Episode: More Happier: Four Tendencies for Obligers—3 Challenges and How to Handle Them [Revisited]
Date: February 28, 2026
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Elizabeth Craft

---

Episode Overview

This episode is a listener-requested deep dive into The Four Tendencies personality framework—focusing specifically on “Obligers.” Gretchen and Elizabeth (herself an Obliger) revisit and discuss the biggest challenges that come with the Obliger tendency, share strategies for overcoming common obstacles, and include extensive listener advice and perspectives. The episode covers outer accountability, handling Obliger “shame,” strategies for avoiding exploitation and burnout, and the phenomenon of Obliger Rebellion.

---

Key Sections and Insights

1. Background on the Four Tendencies & Focus on Obligers

[02:30–03:55]

• Gretchen briefly recaps her Four Tendencies framework: Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, Obliger.
• The premise: understanding how you respond to inner vs. outer expectations helps you build better habits.
• This episode is tailored for Obligers, the largest group, who struggle with meeting inner expectations but readily meet outer ones.

Quote:
"Obligers need outer accountability to follow through, but it can be surprisingly hard to create."
—Gretchen Rubin [03:55]

---

2. The Power and Creativity of Outer Accountability

[04:40–09:17]

Gretchen and Elizabeth read and react to listener submissions showing inventive external accountability strategies:

• Using Children as Accountability:
  "Having kids gives me that accountability. I have to be healthy for them and show them it's important to take care of oneself." —Olivia [04:40]
• Virtual Co-Working (Focusmate.com):
  "It's not me that's been the problem in productivity, but rather the tools I was using." —Kyra [05:23]
• Exercise Partners & Community Challenges:
  • Training for events with family/kids, weekly planning groups, joining online challenges—all for consistent accountability.
• Workplace & Social Structures:
  • Scheduling recurring status meetings, making public commitments to peers, and using work/client/student obligations as motivators.

Elizabeth finds resonance in these stories:

"I love it. As an Obliger, I love reading these suggestions."
—Elizabeth Craft [09:13]

---

3. “Obliger Shame” and Why There’s No Need for It

[09:29–16:19]

A listener email from Gina sparks a meaningful discussion:

• Defining Obliger Shame:
  Feeling embarrassed or "less than" for needing external accountability.
• Gretchen strongly pushes back:

  "Obligers need outer accountability. They do not evolve out of it. And there’s nothing wrong with it. You are who you are. You need what you need. Set things up to suit yourself."
  —Gretchen Rubin [11:41]

• Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation:
  Gretchen takes issue with the idea that intrinsic motivation is always better or achievable for everyone.
• Perspective for Obligers:
  Focus on maximizing benefits of your type, not wishing to become another tendency.
• Social Component:
  External accountability can actually foster connection and has its own unique strengths.

Notable Quote

"Don’t change who you are, or don’t try to change who you are. Maximize who you are, and there’s no shame."
—Elizabeth Craft [14:21]

---

4. Obliger Exploitation—What Happens When Others Take Advantage

[17:46–26:58]

• Listener Jen’s Story:
  She describes being overwhelmed by family demands—meeting everyone’s needs with little reciprocation—and asks how to manage this unfair dynamic.
• Why It Happens:
  Gretchen explains: other tendencies assume you’ll say no if you can’t or don’t want to do something. They don’t realize their requests may heap on undue burden—they just “take their shot.”
• Obliger-Rebellion Cycle:
  If you don't set outer boundaries, resentment builds until you snap ("Obliger rebellion").
• Strategies to Avoid Exploitation:
  • Frame saying no as a way to avoid future rebellion, which could harm everyone.
  • Think of being a role model for your kids—model healthy boundaries.
  • Treat yourself as kindly as you’d treat a friend (give yourself the same advice).
  • Make explicit commitments to other external parties and recognize that saying yes to one person may require saying no to another.
  • Sometimes, simply don’t do the work—let the consequences fall, and eventually others are forced to act or the group can have a necessary discussion.

Quote:
"If I’m just doing all the work, everybody’s like, well, whatever she’s saying, I can just ignore it because everything’s just going along fine. There has to become a point where work doesn’t get done, and that’s painful."
—Gretchen Rubin [25:43]

---

5. Obliger Rebellion—Recognizing and Preventing Burnout

[27:32–41:49]

• Definition:
  When obligers suddenly snap after a period of chronic over-obligation; sometimes constructive (quitting a bad job/relationship), sometimes self-destructive.
• Listener Stories and Solutions:
  • Be a Role Model: Recognize that by always overdelivering, you may model unhealthy behavior to subordinates or children.
  • Partial Yes: Decline the big ask; instead, offer to do a smaller thing. (e.g., bring cookies rather than run the whole party).
  • Journaling & Monitoring:
    • Use journaling to spot early signs of resentment and overwhelm.
    • Practically, “you manage what you monitor.” [32:38]
  • No-Obligation Time:
    • Schedule intentionally obligation-free weekends or make space for “no obligation hours.”
  • Announce a Strike:
    • Humor and communication—“I’m going on strike”—signals need for support before rebellion reaches breaking point.
  • Reframe Saying No as Opportunity:
    • Handing off tasks can empower others, not just relieve your own bandwidth.
  • Identifying Early Warning Signs ("Tells"):
    • E.g., Carly’s tell: if she's buying canned wine, that's a signal burnout is near.
  • Constructive Rebellion Stories:
    • Leaving toxic jobs/relationships can ultimately be positive.

Memorable Moment:
"If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit. Sometimes being given the opportunity to rest is enough for me to say actually, I’m okay, I can keep going."
—Listener Meredith [34:48–36:13]

Recognizing Rebellion in Children:
Listener Andrea shares her 7-year-old’s refusal to complete homework as a form of “Obliger Rebellion Junior.”
"We talk about adults experiencing Obliger rebellion, but it lives across all generations."
—Elizabeth Craft [38:34]

---

6. Key Takeaways & Encouragement

[41:32–41:49]

• Elizabeth reflects on feeling “more seen and happier.”
• Gretchen emphasizes: Obliger is the biggest group—these issues are common, normal, and valid.
• Final note: The solution is not to change your nature but change your systems to suit it, using creative and tailored forms of outer accountability.

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Obligers need outer accountability. Set things up to suit yourself.” —Gretchen Rubin [11:41]
• “Don’t change who you are, or don’t try to change who you are. Maximize who you are, and there’s no shame.” —Elizabeth Craft [14:21]
• “If I’m just doing all the work, everybody’s like, well, whatever she’s saying, I can just ignore it.” —Gretchen Rubin [25:43]
• “If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” —Listener Meredith [34:48]
• “We talk about adults experiencing Obliger rebellion, but it lives across all generations.” —Elizabeth Craft [38:34]

---

Segment Timestamps

• [02:30] Introduction to focus on Obligers and Four Tendencies review
• [04:40–09:13] Listener strategies for outer accountability
• [09:29–16:19] Discussion and re-framing of Obliger shame
• [17:46–26:58] Exploitation of obligers and how to set boundaries
• [27:32–41:49] Obliger Rebellion: recognition, management, and real-world stories

---

Tone and Approach

Warm, practical, and humorous—the mood is supportive and solution-oriented. Gretchen functions as empathetic expert, Elizabeth as honest “guinea pig” and relatable voice. They treat listener emails with seriousness, empathy, and encouragement while offering actionable advice.

---

For Listeners Who Haven’t Heard the Episode

This episode is a highly practical, validating, and detailed exploration of the challenges unique to Obligers in Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework. Listeners learn specific strategies for leveraging accountability, moving past “shame,” avoiding exploitation, and preventing burnout. The stories collected from listeners themselves offer a rich variety of approaches, showing that while the challenges are common, there’s no one-size-fits-all hack—creative, personalized solutions are often best.

If you’re an Obliger (or know one), this episode will help you appreciate your strengths, manage your stumbling blocks, and most importantly—stop trying to “fix” your personality and start building systems that work for you.

Transcript

[Elizabeth Craft]

Did you know that infants are ready to learn sign language, 2 year olds are ready to learn the basics of science, and 3 year olds are ready to learn coding. Your child is ready to learn. And at Primrose schools, teachers make the most of this time by creating a joyful, purposeful learning experience unlike any other.

[Gretchen Rubin]

For instance, have you heard of the Primrose Friends? In every Primrose School classroom, teachers use these 12 lovable puppets to make character development joyful, meaningful and memorable. From exploring generosity with Benjamin the Bear to practicing honesty with Peanut the Pony, every friend plays a special part in helping children learn important values while having plenty of fun along the way. We can all use some friends like that. You can learn [e-mail] now enrolling infants through children age 5. That's primroseschools.com for more information.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Are you a trailblazer, a risk taker? Someone with countless tales of epic adventure? Well, I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it. Even the boldest among us started small, daring themselves to reach greater goals each day. If you're looking to take on a challenge like that, the Defender is too. It's a vehicle built for those capable of great things, whether you're charting new territory or just escaping the city for the weekend.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The Defender, engineered to meet challenges head on so you can explore with confidence. An icon reimagined designed for a new generation of explorers. Choose from the Defender 90, 110 or 130, seating up to eight adventurers with a tough tested exterior, a modern and functional interior, and intelligent tech like 3D surround cameras and the Pivi Pro infotainment system. Every journey feels limitless because like you, the Defender is capable of great things. Build your Defender today@land roverusa.com Lemonade. Hello and welcome to More Happier, a podcast podcast where we get happier. Hey, Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Hi, Gretch.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Today we're sharing a frequently requested deep dive into the four Tendencies, specifically focused on obligers and the very real stumbling blocks that do come with that tendency.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, we heard from so many obligers after our last Four Tendencies episode.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, and if you don't know what we're talking about, the Four Tendencies is the personality framework that I developed, Slash discovered to help people understand how they respond to expectations. Because if you understand how you respond to expectations, outer expectations, and inner expectations, it becomes so much easier to figure out how to follow through on the things that you want to do. So if this is new to you, go back, listen to our episode from January 31, 2026 and that is called start and stick to anything using the four tendencies. Or if you want go to GretchenRubin.com quiz to take my free quiz and that will tell you if you're an obliger, an upholder, a questioner or a rebel and give you like a little report. But okay, let's just assume you already know your tendency and especially if you're an obliger, this episode today is really for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, we're revisiting some of the most common challenges us obligers. I am one run into and sharing advice for managing these challenges so obligers can actually accomplish what we set out to do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So we talk about resisting pressure, we deal with the exploitation of obligers, we talk about obliger shame and solutions for obliger rebellion, that super interesting puzzling phenomenon. But first we are gonna start with one of the most important topics for obligers and that is outer accountability. Obligers need outer accountability to follow through, but it can be surprisingly hard to create. So we're gonna share some of our favorite listener ideas and there's tons of options to choose from. And as you may hear as you listen, I was a bit sick during this recording so my voice sounds a little rough. Brace yourself.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Here it is.

[Listener/Caller]

Olivia said, I'm an obliger through and through and having kids gives me that accountability. I have to be healthy both for them and to show them it's important to take care of oneself. So that's a double accountability. She wants to be a role model and she wants to be in shape.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Kyra said, I've been listening to Happier for years and I'm grateful for your commitment to help us toward happier and healthier lives. I wanted to share a resource that has radically shifted my productivity game, the website focusmate.com it's a virtual co working platform that matches you up with a buddy for 25, 50 or 75 minutes. Each person shares on video at the beginning what their goals are for the session and and review your progress at the end of the session. I've been known for being behind in my work, feeling heavy loads that only seem to become deeper. But I now use this system three times a week and have stayed on top of my workload for the past four months. I'm blown away. I feel lighter and more accomplished. I had no idea that this system could be a remedy to what I thought was unfixable. It's not me that's been the problem in productivity, but rather the tools I was using. Well she said it perfectly.

[Listener/Caller]

She said it perfectly. It's not that a certain tool isn't good, it just might not be the right tool for you. And if you are an obliger you need a tool that's related to outer accountability. So absolutely, Sonya says I'm an obliger and have worked on a number of accountability strategies. Having a personal trainer every week kept me doing my workouts on the other two days a week. Sharing goals with others and having a weekly check in has also worked. I've even started involving my kids. I've signed my 13 year old son and me up for a 5 kilometer mud run. We have been going out running together and I am committed to keep going so I don't let him down. He is much fitter than I am but we have to run as a team. Brilliant accountability yes, Jennifer said.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I run a weekly zoom session through my business where people can come and plan out their week. I often tell them that I appreciate them coming because it makes me accountable to show up and do my planning as well.

[Listener/Caller]

Many people talk about using clients or customers or students as accountability. They're coming to you, you, but you're working for them too. Win Win. Kirsty says if I invite someone for coffee then the housework definitely gets done. That's a classic.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Karen said. I set up weekly meetings with my key managers at work. Knowing I have a weekly touch base keeps me on track.

[Listener/Caller]

Sarah said. I met someone through a local Facebook group who was looking for people to train with her for a 20 mile hike. I responded, then tried to quit a few times, but we ended up completing the hike in enough time to get a medal. Our next endeavor is a 10k in September. We both need tangible goals to exercise consistently. Great self knowledge.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Natalie said. After listening to you and reading your book, I realized I've been giving myself external accountability for many years. One example is I publicly tell my peers in one of my volunteer groups my aims and goals for that year and ask them for their aims and goals. Then I immediately schedule my ideas into my calendar.

[Listener/Caller]

September said. I'm having a hell of a time finishing my thesis. I am setting arbitrary deadlines with someone. I don't want to disappoint to force myself to finish each section. It's working.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I need deadlines. Deadlines are essential. Yep, Jennifer said. Obliger here. Fitness is the one area that I need a lot of accountability. I signed up for the 62 mile walk fundraiser for St. Jude's for the month of July I had friends sponsor me and there is a Facebook page to update your results and support other walkers. I might choose a group every month to fundraise for to keep up my daily walking. I go on a 2 to 3 mile walk every morning now. I also have a friend that I meet three times a week too. In addition, I have the Pacer fitness app on my phone. I have joined walking groups and challenges to earn virtual points and medals if I meet my daily and long term goals. This also helps greatly too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Brilliant.

[Listener/Caller]

And here's yet another one for exercise. And again, it's great to think of all of these accountability strategies because different ones will work for different people. Finally, Becky Becky says, my sister talked me into joining a team where we virtually run or walk across Canada. We see the whole group's progress as it uploads automatically through Strava. I don't want to be the one who slows down. The team keeps me moving. So many people share the same of exercising. They're all obligers and yet they found different ways to do it that work for them. It's great to see all the ingenuity people show.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, I love it. As an Obliger Gretchen, I love reading these suggestions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. So Elizabeth, we know that obligers need outer accountability to meet an inner aim, but what we hadn't thought about was the Obliger stumbling block that this listener wrote to us about.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, this was one of those emails where I immediately thought, oh, I know that feeling.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, a lot of listeners recognized it too. Here's that message.

[Elizabeth Craft]

This came from Gina. She said, is Obliger shame a thing that's been discussed discussed on the podcast or here. Has anyone else noticed this syndrome? I find that a lot of people have shame around the idea of needing external accountability. They think they should be able to do certain things on their own or that they shouldn't need help with certain things. They'll often avoid getting help or seeking accountability while all over themselves not getting the things done, feeling guilty about it and further shaming themselves for it. I used to be this way big time, but thankfully I got over it. I'll take all the help and accountability I can get. And the grass is totally greener on the other side where I get more done and maybe have some company to boot. I say down with Obliger shame for all. So Gretch, I love this and I brought this up to you because I said, have we talked about Obliger shame? Like I so relate to this and I feel like so many obligers do. So we are addressing it today.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I've never heard this phrase, obliger shame before, but I've certainly heard many obligers say this, that they feel sheepish about the fact that they need outer accountability, or they feel weak for needing outer accountability or that they want to evolve out of it. Like, oh, I have outer accountability now, but, you know, I want to kick the training wheels off and, like, evolve into being inner accountability to me. I. So, I mean, I object to this or I don't know how to say it. Like, this makes me. This makes me sad. This makes me. I'm like, no, look, all of the tendencies have strengths and weaknesses. And so when you look at the people who are the happiest, healthiest, most productive and most creative, it's the people who have figured out the strengths and used the strengths and have figured out the weaknesses and limitations and organized around that. And so for an obliger, it's like, yeah, you need outer accountability. And guess what? It's like the biggest group for both men and women. You've got plenty of company. Obligers need outer accountability. They do not evolve out of it. And there's nothing wrong with it. You are who you are. You need what you need. Set things up to suit yourself. And I think sometimes this obliger shame comes from upholders, questioners, and rebels who are sort of like, well, why do you need that? Or, I don't need that. So you're wrong to need that, or, you should learn to go without that. It also gets tied up into this idea of intrinsic motivation, and that's like a whole different way of looking at things, which I personally don't find as helpful as thinking about expectations just in terms of understanding how to set yourself up for success. I understand intrinsic and extrinsic motivation in terms of why it's interesting to think about your values. And it's important. It's extraordinarily important to think about your values. But, like, let's put all that aside and just focus on, like, how do you get yourself to do what you want? Or how do you help someone else get what they want out of themselves?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right. Well, and I love what Gina said when she said, I love how I feel on the other side, which is getting things done. And then also. And she said, and to have company to boot. I mean, there are advantages to accountability, partners and all of that, because hiking with another person instead of hiking alone, for instance, is connections. So there are advantages to being an obliger and needing accountability you can see it as a positive.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely. And look, obligers, some of the biggest, most successful, greatest leaders, greatest thinkers are obligers. Like, you're exactly right. There's so much that comes with it. There's so much strength that comes from the obliger tendency. And I just. It feels like an obstruction to sort of think, like, well, there's something wrong with it, or it has to be surmounted, or it has to be denied, or it's illegitimate in some way, or it's less strong, or it shows that you have less purpose. It's just a thing that some people need. And the question is, how do you get it in the way that's right for you? Like you say, some obligers get it through, like, a social connection, and that can be great. But then there are obligers who are introverted, who don't want to get accountability through, like, a social interaction. There are solutions for them, too. I've talked to so many obligers. There are so many imaginative, ingenious ways to get yourself out of accountability, to suit yourself. All the other aspects of your personality, how adventurous you are, how analytical you are, how extroverted you are. There's so many ways to do it, partly because there are so many obligers. There's many, many solutions because there's many people who need these solutions. But I think if you spend your time thinking, like, how do I get the accountability in the way that feels right to me so I can do what I want. That's such a better use of your time and your energy than thinking, I need to change. There's something wrong with me. Other people do it better. Why do I need this? And feeling bad about it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Don't change who you are, or don't try to change who you are, Maximize who you are, and there's no shame. Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Change your situation, change your surroundings, change the setup, change your schedule, change the things around you to suit you, but the outside to suit you. Instead of feeling like you have to cram yourself into somebody else's model of what things should look like now. I have to say, I used to be terrible about this. I used to think, hey, and I'm an upholder, right? So I'm the least helpful. What works for me is so specific, which is everything, right? And I used to think, well, if it works for me, it will work for everyone. And if everybody would just get themselves organized and put it on the calendar and wake up early.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then I finally was confronting, like, it's not true. That isn't true. Just because something works for me absolutely doesn't mean that it works for anybody else. And so everybody has to think about themselves. And whatever you are, there's a lot of other people like that.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You know, there's nothing you wouldn't say to them, oh, there's something deeply wrong with you. You need to change. You'd be like, no, let's just. There's. Yeah. So, anyway, I have so many thoughts about this. I would be so curious to hear from other obligers. Again. I had never heard this phrase for it, which is a really harsh way of putting it, but I had heard many obligers say or suggest that they needed to change. Right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

No, I thought. When I read it, I thought, oh, my gosh, this really taps into something that obligers feel the shame that they can't be different. That's why we meet so many people who say, well, I'm an obliger, but I want to be an upholder. People say that all the time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, yeah. And I mean, somebody said, well, it might be like, straightforward to get outer accountability, but it's not easy. And that's true. Sometimes it might be burdensome or tricky to get yourself that outer accountability, but that's what you need. And by the way, questioners, upholders and rebels are all dealing with their own issues. Like, there are things they're struggling with that you're not struggling with, that you're just not aware of.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Everybody's dealing with their stuff. Anyway, I'm so glad that Gina brought this up because this is something that's been in the back of my mind, but this really was like shining a spotlight on something that I think is really important to emphasize. And now we're going to take a short break. Are you looking for something simple and delicious to add to your wellness routine? Especially this time of year when everyone's trying to stay healthy through the winter months. That's exactly why we switched to Manokora. Manokura Honey is rich, creamy, and the most delicious honey you've ever had. It's ethically produced by Monokora's master beekeepers in the remote forests of New Zealand.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's a game changer. And all you need is one heaped teaspoon each morning to get the most out of the amazing bioactives in Manuka. Now it's easier than ever to try Manokura honey. Head to manokura.com happier to save up to 31% plus $25 worth of free gifts with the starter kit, which comes with an MGO850 Manuka Honey Jar, five honey travel sticks, a wooden spoon, and a guidebook. That's monocora.com Happier to save 31% plus $25 worth of free gifts okay, Elizabeth,

[Gretchen Rubin]

now we're going to listen back on a conversation we had about another very common stumbling block Obliger exploitation.

[Elizabeth Craft]

This is such a common problem. I know so many people who've experienced this, Gretch. I'm going to have to forward them this episode. Jen said, I attended Gretchen's book tour stop in D.C. during the Q and A session, Gretchen commented, Obligers may feel as if other tendencies are taking advantage of them because they are A nervous laugh spread through the crowd. Clearly, lots of upholders, questioners and rebels realized the jig was up. This comment hit close to home and I have been thinking about it for the past year. I'm an Obliger, married to a questioner and have three teen tween children, two questioners and one rebel. As a typical Obliger, I am quick to drop whatever I am doing to attend to their requests, even though it has a significant impact on my schedule and ability to complete my professional projects. I work from home. If my actions were reciprocated by my family, I wouldn't be writing this. I find it a daily battle to keep my cool when questioned or ignored by family members. Every time I ask for help with household routines and chores. The household expectations have been clearly spelled out to everyone, but often these tasks are left for me. All the time spent helping my family and picking up the slack around the house eats into the time I have set aside for work. I feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, and frustrated by the inability to complete my work. Many days I lose my cool and experience full on Obliger rebellion. I have retaken the four Tendencies quiz multiple times because it seems abnormal for an Obliger to experience rebellion so frequently. However, it always affirms I am an Obliger. What advice do you have for an Obliger mom who wants to continue to nurture her non obliger family while avoiding the pitfalls of being taken advantage of by non Obliger family members? Oh Gretch, I bet many, many, many people could have written this exact letter.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, absolutely. And I have so many thoughts. The first thing I would say is other tendencies Questioners, upholders, and rebels. They expect you to draw the lines yourself. They will not hold back from asking because they expect that you will say no. The way that they would say no. They would all say it from their own perspective. They each have a slightly different perspective, but they would say no. And so remember, from their perspective, they are not being exploitative or inconsiderate. They're asking, they're taking their shot. Or maybe they're just not doing something and seeing how that plays out and then it gets done right. So that is working for them. So this is the coldness that often surprises obligers because the obliger says he if you ask me to do it, I'll do it. If I see that you need this done, I will do it for you. But you're not reciprocating for me. And this seems very cold. And they don't understand that from other people's perspective they're just like, well, why would I do it? Or if I don't do it, you do it. That seems fine to me.

[Listener/Caller]

Or I just want to ask you

[Gretchen Rubin]

a lot of questions about it because I just need to know I'll have a lot of reasons and understand exactly if we're doing the most efficient thing so they don't perceive it the way you perceive it. And so in a way it might be just as annoying, but maybe it feels less personal if you understand that this is really something that is coming from the nature of those tendencies. It's not. Because I think a lot of times with these kinds of situations it feels very personal, like someone is very personally doing something inconsiderate to you instead of like, oh, this is how they do. Yeah, so that's the first thing I would say.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then what can she do to make it better?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, right. That's the big question always when you're talking to an obliger. And of course obliger is the biggest tendency. This is the biggest tendency for both men and women. So I'm sure many listeners are obligers and have experienced this is that you need outer accountability even to meet an inner expectation. So a lot of times if you would complain about the situation to another tendency, they might say things like, well, you just need to have this firmer boundary or you just need to say no, or you just need to make yourself the priority or you need to take time for self care. All the same, these are all good things to do, but they are not going to move the needle for an obliger. For an obliger you need to have outer accountability. And here are some ways you could in your own head create outer accountability in this kind of circumstance with your family. The first one Jen has already mentioned, which is Obliger Rebellion. The more resentful and angry you get, the more you are going to go into Obliger rebellion. It is not uncommon for an Obliger to be in full on Obliger Rebellion for years. This is not good for anybody. You do not want to get into that situation. So maybe you say, if I don't draw a boundary and say no or refuse to help when you ask for my help, I'm going to go into Obliger rebellion. And that could really be destructive. And so I have to protect myself now in order to help protect you later because I might really step back from this in a way that wouldn't be helpful for anyone. And so that's one thing. Another one is think of your duty to be a role model. Right. So these are children and you want to say, I want to be a role model for what it looks like for someone to establish boundaries or for someone to stand up for themselves. Like, this is behavior that you want to show them how it looks like for an adult to do that. And so you have to do it in order to to be that role model. You also don't want to create an environment where you're a negative role model of someone being exploited or someone being taken advantage of by inconsiderate family members or partners. You don't want to show that to them and be like, okay, this is okay as a dynamic because you're contributing to that dynamic. You don't want to contribute to that dynamic, but that is the dynamic that's being created. And you're sort of like, okay, I don't want to be a negative role model. I want to be a positive role model. And I don't want to be a negative role model.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And Gretchen, another thing you can do is treat yourself like a best friend. Gretchen, what would you tell your best friend in this situation? Yes, do the same.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Give advice to an imaginary best friend and then take that advice. Cause we say treat yourself like a toddler, treat yourself like a professor. So this treat yourself like a teenager. This is treat yourself like your best friend. But here's another thing, and maybe this is even the most practical, and this goes to the Working from home is something that often will work for obligers is to realize explicitly that they are in a situation where they to say no to somebody. Because as an Obliger, you want to meet outer expectations. And this is one of the most valuable things about obligers. And one of the reasons that everybody loves having them around is they're the people that go the extra mile to meet an outer expectation. But sometimes you're going to have to say no to someone. And so you make that very explicit. So you say to yourself, look, I have my obligations to work. I have my obligations to. Whether it's a colleague or a client or a student or a boss or whoever it is you're working for. And saying, I told them I would get them this by six. If I say yes to you child, I'm gonna have to say no to that person. And even if it's not a deadline like that, it's just like, these are my commitments. I have to meet these commitments. And I'm gonna say no to you because I have to say yes to these commitments. Because a lot of times obligers were like, well, I'll just crowd everything in instead of saying, I'm saying no to you so I can say yes to someone else. That can often help.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And Gretch, finally, just don't do the work. Don't do that load of laundry for your child or your husb husband. Don't clean the counter, don't empty the dishwasher, and just let it go. Eventually, in theory, somebody else will do it, or at least there will be a serious discussion about it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, this is the problems that arises when there's shared work. And running a household that's a kind of shared work, and you're doing the work and you're doing other people's work and they're not doing their share. This is extremely frustrating. I wrote a whole article about the problem of shared work and different solutions for shared work. But again, as an obliger, you have to create accountability for not doing those things. So think to yourself. I want to be a role model for expecting every member of the household to contribute. And if I'm just doing all the work, I'm not modeling that. So that's a kind of accountability. So whatever works for the way you think as obligers, differ in what works for them, but just don't go ahead and do it. Because if you're going ahead and doing the work, everybody's like, well, whatever she's saying, I can just ignore it because everything's just going along fine. There has to become a point where work doesn't get done, and that's painful. And if there's certain things that are really important to you, maybe you want to take on those tasks because other people aren't doing them. Pick things that you don't care about and assign those to People, because then if they are not getting done, you can stand.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Or maybe you do your own laundry and let other people do their own laundry. So you've got your clean socks, but let them worry about their own clean socks.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's funny, Gretchen, because I am an Obliger, as you know, but this is not something I struggle with, although I know many do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, you know, you're an Obliger who tips to upholder. And I would say from this question that Jen almost certainly is an Obliger who tips to rebel. Yeah. And it's just. Again, it's just this idea that just because two people are obligers, there's still gonna be tremendous variety in how that expresses itself, how you address it. But it just. It gives you big, big clues on where to start. Now, time for a quick break.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Up next is something I think is probably the biggest issue for Obligers, which is Obliger Rebellion. I've definitely been there.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. But once you understand what is going on, it becomes so much easier to catch that building anger, building resentment before it gets all the way to the point of Obliger Rebellion.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Totally. Just having a name for it makes a big difference. You know, I always love to name something Gretch. So we'll start with you, Gretch, explaining what Obliger Rebellion is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Obliger Rebellion is when obligers meet. Meet meet expectations, and then suddenly they snap and they say, this, I won't do. And sometimes it's very beneficial, as one listener points out. Sometimes it can be kind of out of control and destructive. And in any case, it's very helpful for Obligers to see that it's coming and have ways to deal with it. And so it was great to get all these ideas from Obliger listeners.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. As an Obliger, I appreciated these ideas. There are so many good ones.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So, Gretchen first idea comes from Letitia. She says, I'm an Obliger who has struggled for years with finding the right ways to harness my tendency to be a workaholic. I regularly experience burnout, put work ahead of my family and definitely myself, and always take on too much. The problem is, I'm in a workplace that rewards workaholic tendencies, and my Obliger husband, despite his protests, obliges my obliging. But I finally found the trick. I was handing some work back to one of my subordinates recently, also a workaholic, who I know is currently seeking professional help for his own case of burnout after I had mentored him on some changes to make. He made a comment about envying my skill, knowledge and efficiency in such a hectic, constantly pressuring environment and said he wished to be able to achieve the same. In that moment, I knew I wasn't doing him or myself any favors by maintaining the unmaintainable. Ever since that moment, I've had he and I both on a special work assignment that includes but is not limited to no such thing as an emergency, leaving the desk for lunch and breaks, time set aside for physical activity, and saying no or later to tasks. As a supervisor, I also make it a point to not text or call my employees while they are on vacation, and I refuse to call or check in while I am on vacation as well. This has paid off for both of us and has been key to helping me avoid what was almost one of the worst cases of Obliger rebellion I've experienced in my career. Yeah, and Gretchen, it's interesting because it was only when she saw that she was sort of setting her subordinate up to have the same life that she has that she was able to change.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, excellent. So yeah, you might be able to do it for someone else even if it's hard for you to do it for yourself. This one I have to say I don't have the name of the person who wrote it because it was something somebody wrote to me a long time ago and I've lost the name. So I'm very sorry if you hear me reading this and I don't acknowledge you. This Obliger said it's hard for me to say no to outer expectations and I can over commit easily. When a person asks for my help in some way and I know I don't have time to help or I just don't want to take on what they're asking me, I say to myself I can't or won't do the thing they are asking, but what can I do for this person? For example, I can't organize the fourth grade Valentine's Day party, but I can offer to bring cookies even if the only thing I can do is wish the person well or write them a nice thank you note after the event they wanted me to help with. At least I feel like I am doing something for them. I can say no to the larger request, but say yes to something manageable for me. I have found this strategy helps keep Obligered rebellion and guilt at bay at the same time because I'm not over committing and I am not flat out saying no. So it's not saying the big yes, it's saying a smaller yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I thought it was so clever.

[Gretchen Rubin]

A good way to reframe and manage.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Gretch Caroline says I've experienced destructive phases of Obliger Rebellion. I've hit the self destruct button on friendships, romances and work relationships in the past, seemingly little warning, and been as stunned as the other parties when it occurred because it is so out of character and seems to come from nowhere. I didn't understand these phases until I came across Gretchen's work on the four tendencies, which has literally been life changing and I will always be grateful to you for it. I find journaling helps. As part of my Happiness Project work, I start each day with a coffee and journal key events from the day before and my feelings about these events. Once a week I have a look at any trends over the last week and as part of the Happiness Project I also do a month in review. Half the battle is identifying the underlying problem which is building and which is typically accompanied by feelings of being overwhelmed, taking advantage of and or unappreciated. And journaling consistently helps with that. It is a form of monitoring and as you say Gretchen, you manage what you monitor. This has definitely helped me get some perspective on what is happening and identify and manage any escalating problems before before they become Obliger rebellion triggers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So this is a great suggestion which is to use a journal. And actually many obligers mentioned using record keeping and journals as a way to monitor that Obliger rebellion was brewing. Which was I have to say I did not know that this was such a common tool. That was a big insight for me to realize that so many obligers find that useful. Yeah, and this Obliger had a different approach. Joe writes, I'm an obliger who's prone to Obliger rebellion and one of the strategies I found in the past to be helpful in preventing tipping into rebellion is to plan a no obligation weekend. In graduate school, whenever I found my calendar filling up with too many tasks and events, even fun ones, and I could feel the resentment creeping in, I would schedule a no obligation weekend. The rules are simple. There are no obligations. It doesn't mean that you don't do anything at all. You can have coffee with a friend or even clean your house if you feel feel like it. The key is that you're not obligated to do anything. You just get to do whatever you want during that weekend. There are no obligations. Now that I've got three kids at a full time job, it's harder to squeeze in a whole no obligation weekend. But I find that regular doses of no obligation times, even one afternoon a week or an hour after dinner, can still be really helpful in staving off Obliger rebellion. So that's a great idea.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, and here's one that's sort of adjacent to that idea from Erin. She says one thing I've done over the years when I feel Obliger rebellion is I announced to my husband I'm going on strike. It's become a bit of a joke, but what it means is I literally take a week or a few off from all household chores, cooking, errands, etc. I only go to work and the rest of the time I'm free to do whatever I want. I do the bulk of the household work as well as the work outside of the home. I'm an obliger and he's a rebel. So this really does give me a break. And it lets off enough steam to see me through. The phrase I'm going on strike is a whimsical way to announce that I'm struggling and need more support. I also do daily morning pages. These help me sort out when and why I'm feeling overburdened or taken advantage of. As you say, identify the problem. So another journaling.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Another journaling one. And you know, it's interesting that a lot of obligers can feel it coming because I think some obligers are kind of stunned and surprised. But it sounds like many obligers know to watch out for the signs. And I think that that can be very helpful when you start feeling it starting to overtake you. Meredith writes, when I'm overwhelmed by responsibilities and obligations, Obliger rebellion tells me that the only way out would be to quit everything, move to a small town far away and start my life over entirely. Of course, I could never actually do that. So I just trudge onward feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's expectations and resentful toward all the things I've taken on. A few years ago I happened upon the quote, if you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit. This was an aha moment for me. I have never actually quit anything, but I needed that reframing to ward off the full on obliger rebellion that led to the urge to quit. My advice is simple, yet can be very difficult for obligers to implement. Sometimes you have to tell people that you're feeling burnt out and overwhelmed. As it turns out, most people don't want you to run yourself into the ground you'll be surprised how others will step up if you take a step back. And I find that even saying out loud that I'm feeling overwhelmed helps the feeling go away. Sometimes being given the opportunity to rest is enough for me to say, actually, I'm okay, I can keep going. Other times I do take a breather or lighten my load. Very helpful.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And Gretch, this comes from another listener 11 years ago, before I knew anything about the four tendencies, I quit my job of 19 years and left a 4 year toxic relationship. This happened happened in a span of a few months. I wanted to share the message that I don't think every Obliger Rebellion is a bad one and perhaps trying to prevent them from happening is not always the best course of action. In my case, I went on to find a job that I love and also met the man who's now my husband. If I had just continued obliging and tried to suppress what I was feeling, I would not be in the happy place I am today. No one was more surprised than me when I quit my job that Tuesday morning, but it was the best decision I ever made and continuing to oblige in a relationship where doing so was equivalent to being controlled is never a good idea. I am so glad that in my case I chose to rebel. It has been amazing to learn more about the four tendencies and to look back at those events and be able to put some context around what happened.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is an excellent, excellent point. I'm so glad that this was made because it's very true that Obliger Rebellion can be very beneficial. It can really get an Obliger out of a situation that should be exited. And if you want to read a post that I wrote about the novel Remains of the Day and why Obliger Rebellion can sometimes be very powerful and Remains of the Day is an example of an upholder who didn't have Obliger Rebellion and how that really hurt him. I'll link to that if you want to read more about the good power of Obliger Rebellion, Ann wrote as an Obliger, I started to realize how often I was reaching my boiling point of Oblige rebellion. As a way to consciously work on this, I made one of my 21 for 21 items 21 days for myself. On these days I give myself permission to do whatever feels right on that day, whether it is to go for a walk along the river, take pictures at the zoo, or go to a bookstore for however long I want. I do whatever is going to help me reset inside. This keeps me from coming unglued in front of my family or making a decision I might regret and can't undo. Plus it gives me time to reflect, journal, see there's more more journaling and just breathe deeply so I can stay a little further away from the boiling point. And on top of all of it, I have the outer accountability of checking off my 21 for 21 list. So that's how she builds in that all important accountability is through the 21 for 21 list. So that's very smart.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, Andrea says I have a great example to share of Obliger Rebellion that my son has experienced at the end of first grade. This year has been taxing on all of our children with COVID masking, zooming and all of the stresses of a global pandemic. My seven year old is usually very responsible when an adult sets an expectation that is Teacher, piano instructor, swim coach. As this school year comes to a close, he is burnt out. When asked where his homework folder was, he simply stated, I'm not doing it anymore. The folder is at school and I don't care that I will miss my recess tomorrow. I didn't question the behavior. He has a lot of reasons to be rebelling at this point. I immediately recognize this as a Bliger rebellion. Junior he's not trying to be disobedient or disrespectful to his teacher. What this child needs is a break. Thankfully, there are only a few days left in school before he starts a low key, fun filled summer to recharge before second grade. We talk about adults experiencing Obliger rebellion, but it lives across all generations.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, see, that's really helpful to know it in your children. Emily writes, I'm an Obliger and have had some huge rebellions in my life. When I was younger. I never saw them coming. But since reading your book, I've been able to sense a rebellion on the way. I've always struggled to say no at work especially, and often find myself overwhelmed. Recently, something that helped me was reframing saying no as an opportunity for someone else. As a teacher, I was always leading committees and I realized that while this drove me crazy, it would be a great leadership opportunity for newer teachers. When I went to my boss to decline yet another year of leading committees, I was able to feel generous about passing the baton to enthusiastic coworkers who had expressed interest. So what Emily's doing is she's saying no to give others an opportunity. So that's a way to say no that feels like saying yes, that's smart.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And this final comment will help you kind of realize how it's building, she said. Carly says I just figured out one of my warning signs of an oncoming Obliger Rebellion. I rarely drink, maybe three or four times a year, but each time it's after a long day where I feel completely emotionally and physically spent. I just now correlated it with periods of Obliger Rebellion. My big symptom is canned wine. If I'm buying canned wine, watch out. Now I know to recognize that as an SOS and immediately indulge in some self care before I really go off the race.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is a tell. I'll post a link because we've talked about identifying your tells. Yes, for when you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed. So that's great to have a tell for Obliger Rebellion. So thank you everyone. This was extremely useful and enlightening to hear from so many obligers about how they think about Obliger Rebellion. So thanks for all those insights. So Elizabeth, our resident Obliger, are you feeling happier?

[Elizabeth Craft]

I am. It really helped to be reminded of all this and how these patterns show up for me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And since Obliger is the biggest tendency, you are the biggest group obligers. For both men and women, this is the biggest tendency. We hope this episode helped a lot of listeners feel happier too.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes we do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's it for this episode of More Happier.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thanks to our producer Chuck. Bye Gretch.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Bye Elizabeth. The best time to start a happiness project was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. From the Onward project.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here we host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of midst of major life transitions?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this what activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends. You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever your get podcast, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.