More Happier: Hacks to Avoid a Holiday Meltdown This Week [Revisited]

Summary

Happier with Gretchen Rubin: "More Happier: Hacks to Avoid a Holiday Meltdown This Week [Revisited]"

Release Date: December 20, 2025
Host: Gretchen Rubin
Co-host: Elizabeth Craft

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Episode Overview

In this revisited episode, Gretchen Rubin and her co-host (and sister) Elizabeth Craft revisit practical strategies for navigating the holidays with less stress and more happiness. They focus on three main ideas: setting a holiday intention or theme, handling the challenge of shared work, and incorporating fun, doable traditions to ease tension. Interwoven throughout are personal anecdotes, listener questions, and sage advice, all delivered in their trademark warm, candid, and often humorous style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting a Holiday Intention

[03:02–12:14]

• Definition & Importance:
  Gretchen and Elizabeth discuss the value of deciding, ahead of time, what you want your holiday period to feel like or achieve.

  • Gretchen: "Most of us have at least a few days off around the holidays ... we're going to be a lot happier if we know what we intend to get from that holiday." (03:11)
  • Setting and communicating your intention helps manage conflicting expectations and avoids disappointment.

• Types of Intentions Discussed:

  • Family/friend time (activities, gatherings, shared meals)
  • Rest and relaxation
  • Personal projects (reading, cleaning, organizing)
  • Adventure or travel
  • Entertaining and hosting
  • Service/volunteering

• Learning from Experience:
  Elizabeth: "If every other holiday season you have not managed to clean out your closet, you're probably not going to clean it out this year. So just don't even set that as your intention." (07:07)

• Managing Conflicting Intentions:

  • Openly discuss intentions with others to prevent misunderstandings or resentment.
  • Realize some holiday circumstances (like being with family or having young kids) may make certain intentions unrealistic.

• Mantra for Compromise:

  • "If you can't get out of it, get into it."—a favorite saying of Elizabeth learned from Gretchen, about embracing unavoidable holiday activities (08:11).

• Personal Intentions for This Year:

  • Gretchen: Focused on family time and togetherness, not productivity. (11:06)
  • Elizabeth: Dedicated writing time for a work project alongside focused family days for Christmas. (11:27)

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2. Holiday Hack: Easy Gingerbread Houses

[16:01–19:16]

• Description:

  • Gretchen shares a beloved, stress-free hack: use graham crackers and tub frosting to build "gingerbread" houses as a festive activity—much easier and kid-friendly than making traditional gingerbread.
  • Gretchen: "You don't want the whipped kind [of frosting]... you want the heavier kind because this is like cement." (16:33)

• Steps:

  • Build on foil-covered cardboard.
  • Construct with graham crackers and thick frosting “cement.”
  • Let dry overnight for sturdiness.
  • Decorate with assorted candies.
  • Versatile for multiple holidays—change candy color/themes accordingly.

• Practical & Inclusive:

  • Kids can decorate even if adults need to build the base.
  • Fun for all ages, produces festive decor, and doesn’t require special tools (just a kitchen knife!). (18:25)

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3. Holiday Happiness Stumbling Block: Shared Work

[19:16–27:16]

• Problem:

  • The holidays often require extra tasks (decorating, shopping, cooking, child-minding), increasing the risk of misunderstandings and resentment about who does what.

• Typical Scenarios:

  • Differing values around what “matters” (spotless kitchen vs. buying perfect gifts).
  • “Invisible labor” often unrecognized by others.
  • Feeling taken for granted or as if others are "free riding."
  • Not knowing what to do in someone else’s home.

• Advice:

  • Make tasks explicit: assign jobs or discuss who will do what before tensions arise.
    • Elizabeth: "Before everyone gets there, I need to say, when everyone comes in, just make sure they get a drink. I'm gonna be counting on you for that." (26:32)
  • Accept what is not negotiable—sometimes letting go of expectations or releasing control is healthier.
    • Gretchen (re: Christmas decorations): "...I don't expect Jamie to help with Christmas decorations. He's just not interested ... and fair enough." (24:18)
  • Try a rota for chores (suggested by their mom): assign “today is your day to…” for tasks to ensure fairness. (26:36)

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4. Listener Question: Low-Cost, Meaningful Volunteer Gifts

[27:26–30:17]

• Question from Jenny, PA:
  How to give meaningful Christmas gifts to a group of volunteers without breaking the bank?

• Suggested Solutions:

  • Personalized small gifts (notebooks, mouse pads with group photo or initials from sites like Shutterfly)—special but affordable (~$10/ea.).
    • Elizabeth: "It's hard to get a gift for less than $10 unless it's homemade." (28:45)
  • Homemade gifts (pomander balls made from oranges/apples with cloves)—fragrant, festive, and budget-friendly.
    • Gretchen: "It's a great thing to do while you're watching tv, and they smell amazing." (29:28)
  • Call for crowdsourced ideas from listeners to “build an inventory” of thoughtful, cost-effective gift ideas. (29:57)

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5. Demerits & Gold Stars

[34:07–37:35]

• Happiness Demerit (Gretchen):

  • Procrastinating on holiday gift shopping, despite intentions; feels pressure from family expectation for lists and thoughtful presents.
    • Gretchen: "I'm an underbuyer. I don't really like to buy ... every year I'm like, I've learned my lesson...and then I just don't. It just creeps up on you." (34:07)

• Gold Star (Elizabeth):

  • To her in-laws, Ramona and Bill, for making homemade tamales every Christmas—a labor-intensive but beloved family tradition that brings everyone joy and marks the holiday.
    • Elizabeth: "It really makes it feel like Christmas and feel warm and cozy and delicious and fun. So big gold star for taking the time and the effort during a busy time to actually make these by hand." (37:09)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If you can't get out of it, get into it." — Elizabeth (08:11), passing on Gretchen's mantra for accepting the inevitable joyfully.
• "People tend to do the things that they think are important and they value those things... But somebody else may just have a different view about what's important." — Gretchen (21:43), on the root of shared work conflicts.
• "Don't even set [unrealistic tasks] as your intention ... and then don't feel bad if it doesn't happen." — Gretchen (07:22), normalizing letting go of over-ambitious holiday goals.
• "You can give somebody an assignment ... sometimes people, they're willing to help but need an assignment." — Gretchen (23:46), practical advice for leveraging family/friend help.
• "It really makes it feel like Christmas and feel warm and cozy and delicious and fun." — Elizabeth (37:09), on the emotional impact of meaningful homemade food traditions.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Setting a Holiday Intention: 03:02–12:14
• Holiday Hack: Easy Gingerbread Houses: 16:01–19:16
• Holidays & Shared Work: 19:16–27:16
• Listener Question: Volunteer Gifts: 27:26–30:17
• Demerits & Gold Stars: 34:07–37:35

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Final Takeaways

• Identify and communicate your personal holiday goals/intentions in advance.
• Manage expectations (both your own and others’) realistically.
• Embrace simplified traditions that spark joy and minimize stress.
• Address shared work head-on; make tasks clear, assign roles, and redistribute unshared labor when needed.
• Thoughtful doesn’t have to mean expensive—personalize or make something simple to express appreciation.
• Start gift planning earlier if possible—or, as both hosts admit, at least try again next year!

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Gretchen and Elizabeth’s warmth and candor create a space where listeners feel seen—and equipped—with practical, compassionate ways to make the holidays not just manageable, but meaningful and genuinely happier.

Transcript

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Lemonade.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Hello and welcome to More Happier, a podcast where we get happier. At this point in the holidays we always find it useful to go back to the basics. So today we're visiting an episode from years ago where Elizabeth and I talked about three ideas that can make the most hectic days of the year go more smoothly. We talk about why you might choose to set a holiday intention or a one word theme for the season and how to handle the challenge of shared work during the holidays. A challenge that comes up for many families. Plus I recommend a tradition you may consider for yourself if you're looking to add a little fun and whimsy to your week, which can be a great way to relieve stress. Here we go.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So Elizabeth, this week our try this at home tip is to set your holiday Intention.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And what does that mean, set your holiday intention?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's a little bit jargony, which I definitely try to avoid whenever possible. Like, I think the word intention now is getting thrown around a lot. But. But it's sort of the way to make this point most succinctly, which is, you know, most of us have at least a few days off around the holidays when we're, you know, we're not at work. And it's. We're going to be a lot happier if we know what we intend to get from that holiday. You know, what do we want those days to hold for us? And what do other people expect? What are their intentions so that you can think about, well, can you achieve your holiday intention? Are you gonna have conflict with somebody else's holiday intention? You know, what's realistic?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. You know, this makes sense for me because. Because of the way production works, there's often years where I have a full two weeks off at the holidays. Now, some years, like this year, I'm working all the way through, but a lot of times I have a big chunk of time, and I always feel like, oh, over the holidays, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna clean my office, I'm going to go through my closet, I'm gonna go to five movies, I'm gonna see all my friends. We're gonna do family activities. It's like, we think we're gonna. And we're gonna go away for a few days. And it's like, I think I'm gonna do everything. And then, of course, we can't. And then I end up feeling, like, depressed, like I didn't do what I wanted to do.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. I mean, that's the thing is when you're. When you're not clear about sort of what your intention is, what you're hoping to get out of that time, then it's easy to get frustrated because then something doesn't happen or, and you know, your, Your dream holiday doesn't occur and you. Or you might feel thwarted by other people. Like, you're like, well, my intention is to do. Is to rest. I'm exhausted. I'm at the end of my rope. I've been burning the candle at both ends to throw in every cliched metaphor there. And so what I really want to do is rest, relax, take a lot of naps, sleep late. And then. But somebody else wants to have a completely different kind of holiday. And, and so then it's. Then there's all this conflict because you haven't really thought Through. Well, what do I want? What do you want? How do we achieve what we want together?

[Elizabeth Craft]

So it seems like people need to just be clear in their own mind and then also communicate with those around them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of different intentions that people could have. So, like, one of them, which you mentioned, is, like, family or friend time. Like, I'm going to see all my friends. I'm going to have fun family activities. You know, whether that's like making cookies, you're going to go to religious services, you're going to. I mean, you and I, Elizabeth, do not watch a game on tv, but others do. I don't even know what game that would be. You know, hangout time and resting, which I just said. I think for a lot of people, they. They fantasize it as about a time to, like, just sleep in and relax.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I know for Adam, that's paramount.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ah, yeah. Oh, then there's sort of your me time, you know, which is like, I just want to read a novel. I want to. I want to just do what I feel like doing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then I guess some people want adventure, like going camping or going out and chopping down their own Christmas tree or taking a trip.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And then, of course, this is a big one. Entertaining. Like, you feel like, oh, I'm gonna have everybody over. I'm gonna cook chili. I'm gonna do all these things. And then the other thing that around the holidays, a lot of people want to get done is service work.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Like volunteering at a homeless shelter or whatever. Um, that may be.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. And so. But the. But I think the. The reason why setting your holiday intention is a good. Try this at home is that you can say to yourself, okay, well, given how much time I have, what is. Is my intention realistic? Like, I can't do everything, so what do I really want to get? And also with the holidays, a lot of times you're coordinating with other people, so it isn't even just like, okay, I'm gonna plot my own course. It's like, okay, this is sort of what I would like. But then other people have their own set of intentions, which may or may not line up very well, you know?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. It seems like you can learn from the past. So it's like, if every other holiday season you have not managed to clean out your closet, you're probably not going to clean it out this year. So it's like, just don't even set that as your intention.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right, right. And then don't feel bad if it doesn't happen. Don't feel like, oh, I wasted the time, or I let myself down because you're like, it's holiday time. I'm not going to clean my closet. I'm going to wait for my sister Gretchen to come.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Then I will clean my closet. No. And I know that, like, when. So we go to Kansas City. You go to Kansas City every other. Cause you guys switch off with Adam. But we go to Kansas City every year. And one thing I know is I don't like. I love to read, but that is not a time when I get reading done. I never, like, think like, ooh, excellent. I'm gonna read this long, wonderful novel during the holidays in Kansas City. Cause we're just too busy doing other things. And so don't be frustrated by that. It's just not that kind of time.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. And I know in Kansas City, it's like, if you're sitting on the couch reading, someone will be like, oh, I'll sit down and talk to you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Which is great.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. Which is why we're there. Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, it's. But yes, it's. It's much more that that's what we're doing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

I know, because I do that, too, all the time when I am in Kansas City. Yeah. Now, the other thing, Gretch, is the reality of life is that sometimes we're not going to be able to meet our intention. Like, if you have small kids, rest can be difficult. Or if you're again with your family or your in laws, and there are certain expectations, you know, you may not be able to meet your own internal intention. And this is where I love a phrase that you taught me years ago. I don't even remember when, which is, if you can't get out of it, get into it. Meaning if everyone's going ice skating and there is no way you can get out of going ice skating, embrace ice skating, you know? Yeah. Get into it. Like, just don't be. Be a curmudgeon because it hurts you and everybody else.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right, right, right. And if you're not gonna be able to sleep late because everybody else is up and running, just say, like, okay, well, you know, I'm up, so how can I get my coffee as fast as possible? Now, one way where this comes up in my marriage with Jamie, I think is going to Kansas City. So Jamie's Jewish, and so they didn't have a lot of, like, holiday traditions wrapped around Christmas, obviously. And so his parents and they often went on a nice trip during this time. And when we got married, I don't think Jamie necessarily realized that for the rest of his life he was gonna be spending his holiday trip in Kansas City, Missouri. You know, it's. And every once in a while he said, like, it would be sort of nice to go on, like, a fun trip. And I'm just like, yeah, okay. No, that's just not. That's. Just cross that off your list right now, buddy. And he gets it.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It's a non negotiable.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's not negotiable. And he gets it. And he's never made a fuss about it. But to your point, like, it really has. I so appreciate the fact that he's just. Instead of. He can't get out of it, so he's gotten into it. He can drive anywhere in Kansas City. He's got a ton of things he likes to do in Kansas City. He's really made it his own. Because if his intention was like, this is the time when we're gonna have an adventure, well, that would be a big conflict in our marriage. Cause for me, this time is something is spent a different way in a way that's super, super important to me. So, you know, you just have to come to that place of. Of. Of agreement, of harmony.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, it's not easy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I mean, no, it's not easy.

[Elizabeth Craft]

There's also another thing about the holidays, and this is why maybe it's good to set an intention and as you said, keep it realistic. Like, okay, I can do one thing a day and not try to do 10 things a day, is because a lot of times, myself included, people end the holidays more exhausted than they began the holidays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes. And maybe you need to accept that, you know, that I'm not. This is not gonna be the time where I'm gonna necessarily, you know, I'm just. I am gonna spend a lot of time racing around because it's just that kind of time.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So do you have an intention for this holiday season, Gretch?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I mean, my intention is just really to spend time with family. That is my intention. And so I'm not gonna get a lot of reading done. I'm not gonna do a lot of editing on my draft. I'm not gonna do a lot of clutter clearing. I'm just going to. In Kansas City. And then also when we're back in New York, you know, it's like we're doing a bunch of New York stuff as a family, so.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, that's great.

[Gretchen Rubin]

How about you? What's your intention?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Well, this year, Sarah and I are writing a pilot over the holiday. It's actually due January 10th, so I have an intention to do a lot of writing over the holiday, but the couple of days I do take are just going to be focused family time, you know, squeezing every bit of Christmas with Jack that I can out of the season.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, yeah. Well. So let us know if you tried this at home, what your holiday intention is and how it worked for you. Twitter, Facebook Drop us an [e-mail] or go to happiercast.com 96.

[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, Gretch, so you've got a holiday hack about gingerbread houses.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The reason that this is a hack is this is a way to make gingerbread houses that are. Is far, far easier than actually doing them from gingerbread. Because when you and I were little, we made gingerbread houses with mom, and it was. It's very hard to do. So this is, this is a way that I learned when my older daughter Eliza was in kindergarten. They did like a unit on houses and homes. And, and so they. We learned how to make these homes. And it's so easy and it's. It's so fun. So what you need is a box of graham crackers, like the kind that come in the flat sheets that are rectangular and tub frosting, and there's regular frosting and whipped. You don't want the whipped kind cause that's lighter. You want the heavier kind because this is like cement, this frosting. And all you do is you take like a piece of cardboard, cover it with tinfoil, and then build a house structure out of the graham crackers. Using the frosting as the cement, as the glue that's holding the pieces together. And you can build like a little house. You know, it's like got two short sides, two long sides, and a little triangular roof. And you let it dry overnight. And I mean, that thing dries hard. It is really, really sturdy. And then you can take any kind of candy or pretzels or cookies or any kind of sprinkles, food coloring, all that fun stuff, and use the frosting. And you can have vanilla frosting that you use white, or you can dye it any color that you want, or you can use brown frosting, which looks very kind of like timber. And so we just make these. We just make it three or four houses and use them as centerpieces and.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, that's fun.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's so fun. And it's very creative. You know, it's like, oh, I'm alternate red and green MMs for the roof or I'm going to use pretzel rods to be like a, you know, like a wood fence. And it's pretty easy even for little kids. You might have to build the house for them. But then they just stick the. Put the frosting on and stick stuff on it. And we've done them for Halloween because you could just make it all like Halloween themed. You could do it for like, you know, you could do St. Patrick's Day, make the whole thing green. But it's really easy and it's tons of fun. Fun. And then they look really professional. They look really good. Even if they're not very well done. They look really cool. So that is my hat.

[Elizabeth Craft]

That's a great idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Even I could pull this off.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Let me just ask one question. Do you just use a knife or like a paintbrush for the frosting or what do you use?

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, we just use a knife.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Okay, so that's really easy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, no, we don't have any kind of special. I mean, you know me, we have no special equipment. We have no special skills. It's basically part of the fun too is you go to the, like you go to the drugstore, the grocery store and buy like all kinds of fun candy. Like those ones that. What are they called? Like non pareils. They're like chocolate discs that have like almost look like little snowflakes on them, little white dots. I mean, it's fun to buy them and do something with them. You don't necessarily want to eat them, but it's like, oh, or like, you know, licorice rounds and. Oh, that'll make a great window. It's just fun. And then they're a centerpiece, so it looks very festive.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Oh, that's great.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. So that's my hack holiday hack a graham cracker house. And I'll put on the. On my website, I'll post some pictures of graham cracker houses from years gone by if somebody wants to see what they look like.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Cool. All right, Gretchen, it is time for a happiness stumbling block.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. So I think that a big stumbling block that comes up during the holidays is shared work. And I love the subject of shared work. And in the show notes, I'll put a post that I wrote that's one of my favorite posts that I have ever written that is all about the problem of shared work. I think shared work can be a particular problem in the holiday season.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. I mean, I think for a lot of people, I happen to love the holidays, but I think for a lot of people, the holidays really do mean work. That's what they think. Like, they don't. And I don't mean writing their pilot. I mean, they're thinking they have to decorate, they have to buy gifts, they have to run errands, they have to cook, they have to clean, they have to take care of the kids because they're not in school. I mean, it's like an overwhelming amount of work for, you know, I think parents especially.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And there could be a lot of tension around who's doing what.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, exactly. And. And again, it's sort of like setting your holiday intention if you think about it in an advance and think about, like, well, what's coming up and how do I want this all to play out, then you can get in front of it and take charge of it and think through possible conflicts that might arise so that you can try to keep things maybe more fair or clearer or it doesn't become such a happiness stumbling block.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah. Because you can imagine if somebody's like, oh, the holidays are my time to relax. I'm gonna sleep late and read. They may not be like, oh, let me run out and get that ham for you. You know, I mean, and it's not that necessarily they are trying to be rude or make you do everything. It's just in their minds, this is a time to relax. And people have different ideas. Like, I am very into buying gifts and having everything perfect in that arena. And it's like, Adam just doesn't care about that as much. So he to him me saying, well, I'm going to run to target at 11pm that seems odd to him, you know, whereas to me, I'm like, well, of course I have to do this. It's my job to have all of our gifts together, you know, And I shouldn't resent him for not, you know, being on top of it, because it's not his number one priority.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But see, I mean, and I think you put your finger on one of the key problems that comes up with shared work, which is people tend to do the things that they think are important and they value those things. And so they sort of feel like, well, I should get credit for doing that because that's an important thing. But somebody else may just have a different view about what's important. For instance, for somebody, it might be really important to have a clean kitchen all the time. And so they spend a lot of time cleaning the kitchen. And somebody else is like, well, why don't we just leave the dishes in the sink or, you know, on the counter until the end of the day, and then we'll just load the dishwasher all at once. They're both perfectly acceptable approaches, but when one person spends the whole day cleaning up the kitchen, then they're gonna feel resentment and angry and like they've been put upon where somebody else is just like, well, you're the one who wanted to do that. You know what I mean? Again, it's like this idea of it's not that one person's right and one person's wrong. It's this idea that we both have a different idea of what's important and what needs to be accomplished in order. And then sometimes there is the problem where you're like, well, yeah, you might think that, but you get the advantage of having a clean kitchen all day long because I'm the one. You know what I mean? Or like, oh, on Christmas morning when everybody's opening their presents, it's so lovely and so festive. And who do we have to thank for that? Elizabeth, who went to target at 11pm you know, so sometimes you. You don't feel like you get that. That recognition for the contribution that you've made. And then you might feel like. Or I often wonder if people are kind of free writing.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. And I am guilty of that. I mean, I know that there's many times I do not do my fair share of work, partly because, like, if I'm at, like, my in laws, let's say, and it's cleaning up after dinner, it's like I just feel at a loss about how to deal with leftovers, for instance. So I'll just stand there, totally useless while everybody else is packing leftovers and wrapping things up. And I'm just like, oh, well, I don't know how. What to do and how to pack this. I try to just lend moral support, but so I. I relate to the side of this, of people who aren't doing their share, you know?

[Gretchen Rubin]

But I think it's also. Can be good if, like, you can give somebody assignment. You're like, you hand them a dish towel and you're like, why don't you dry? Or, like, here, why don't you go run to the store and get bagels? It's like, sometimes people, they're willing to help. They need an assignment. And so the thing is, be willing to say, like, it would really help if you did xyz, because maybe they would. I think sometimes people assume that if people aren't helping, it's because they're slacking off. And again, it might be just they don't. Or it's not their kitchen, so they're like, well, I don't want to put anything away because I don't know where anything goes. It's like, okay, well, I'm going to find another job for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then sometimes it's also just being realistic. Like, I mean, as I said, Jamie's Jewish, so he doesn't have any kind of particular associations with Christmas trees and Christmas decorations, which for you and me is huge. Part of our childhood is just like, all the emotional weight of Christmas decorations for us and how we had our own ornament that we got every year and our collections. And one of the things that's contributed a lot to the harmony of my marriage is I don't expect Jamie to help with Christmas decorations. He's just not interested. And it's work. We have to bring up the boxes from our storage unit in the basement, and we set everything up, and Eliza and Eleanor get a big kick out of it, and the three of us do it. And, you know, this year, Eliza said, well, don't we need to get Daddy to help? And I'm like, no, he's off the hook here. He can help if he wants, but we're not going to expect that from him because it's just. He just doesn't want that to be on his to do list. And fair enough. You know, it's just right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And it's that thing where you don't want to. You don't want to sit there grousing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Craft]

He's not enthusiastic enough.

No, I did that A couple of.

Years, you came down that road.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I did. And then I was like, you know what? I could just let this go. And it's just not his thing. He's a great guy. This is not his thing. And, yeah. And so, again, it's about. I don't expect him to share that work. So I don't resent it when he doesn't help.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that was just, like, me letting go of an expectation that I had that just wasn't. He just didn't feel like that was something that should be something that was on his to do list.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But I think you're right. I think the key to the getting over this stumbling block is what you just said about if someone's not going to do something, then just let it go. And what you said about assigning tasks, you know?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Because that's how you can make sure everybody is doing their share so that. That it seems like you have to do in advance. Like, I know when we have people over, I'm always frustrated that Adam isn't rushing to get them drinks when they come in. It's like he's just having conversation and not realizing, like, that it's a host. He's a host. But what I'm realizing I need to do now is before everyone gets there, I need to say, when everyone comes in, just make sure they get a drink. I'm gonna be counting on you for that. Cause I have to do this other thing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You know, so he knows it's his job in advance.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Make it all explicit. Well, mom made a good suggestion, which we've never done, but it seems like a good idea with shared work is, like, you could even say things like, today's your day to keep the kitchen clean, or today's your day to keep the living room picked up. Or today' your day to run to the grocery store or something, so that people have this sense of, like, everyone's taking their turn, and, like, now I'm on the hook, and now I'm off the hook. And so that there is a feeling like no one's being exploited and taken advantage of. But then also, people know how to sort of do do their job, you know, instead of just waiting for it to occur to them because they just might not think of it. So I thought that was a good idea.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes. Thanks, Mom. Good suggestion.

Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Shared work. It's a big one.

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right, Gretch, it is time for a listener question, and this week we have a voicemail.

[Listener Jenny]

Hi, Gretchen and Elizabeth. My name is Jenny. I'm from Reading, Pennsylvania, and I love listening to your show each week. My question for you and something that I'm hoping you can help me with is I am a librarian, and I have about 10 volunteers that help me every year, and I love to give gifts. So every year when it comes around Christmas time, I want to get these grandiose presents for my volunteers, but I just don't have enough money to do that. So do you have any suggestions for a meaningful gift for my volunteers? I have a mixture of male and female volunteers that would show them how much I appreciate them, but not like the bank. Thanks so much. Bye.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's a great question, because I think a lot of people. That occurs to a lot of people, which is, I would love to give a gift, but maybe I have to get a lot of people a gift or I just don't have that much money to spend. So I want something that seems nice, but that's not expensive.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You know, Gretch, I think a great thing to do is get something personalized, but that's small. You know, it's not like you have to get a personalized, you know, fancy duffel bag or something, you know?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Like on Shutterfly, they have personalized notebooks and mouse pads. I think the mouse pads are $10.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Elizabeth Craft]

You know, it's hard to get a gift for less than $10 unless it's homemade.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, yeah. But something like the mousepad, you can imagine. Like, you could take a picture of all the volunteers, and then everybody gets the mouse pad that has everybody's picture on it so that it feels special. Or also anything that has initials on it. Again, like, if you can find something like a bookmark or something that has somebody's initial, if it does feel more personalized and it shows that you didn't just run out and buy a bunch of something, because since it's personalized, it shows that it. Like, you had that specific recipient in mind, I think makes it feel more special.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Gretch, another thing, if you do want to go the homemade route and really save is the. I don't even know. How do you say it? Pomander balls that you used to make?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, I made these for years. You take oranges or apples and you stick cloves in them. It's a great thing to do while you're watching tv. And they smell amazing, and they have kind of a holiday look. Yeah. So that's something that's homemade. You need a little time to do it, but it's not hard to do. It's just something that you can do while you're watching tv.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, I have such memories of you making those for hours. We would have bowls of those all over and they do smell really good and they are festive and seasonal, so I think that's a great option.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, they're really fun. But I would love to hear if other listeners have great ideas. I think this is a thing where we could really come up with a whole inventory of people's solutions to this problem because it's something that many people face, which is what is a good present that seems thoughtful and appropriate but isn't going to break the bank. So send in your ideas.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thanks for that question, Jenny. That is a great question.

[Advertiser/Host]

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[Advertiser/Host]

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[Elizabeth Craft]

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[Advertiser/Host]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay. I think this is probably an almost universal. Well, not almost universal because some people really are good about not doing this, but it's like something that I get every year. And I always vow that I'm going to do better, which is I love my gift buying and gift identifying too late, you know, and then so then there's that pressure. And I know, you know, keep a list all year round and buy things when you see. But I'm an underbuyer. I don't really like to buy. I don't like to shop. And then when I do feel like I need something, I usually just go ahead and get it. And I love buying a gift for somebody when I know what they want, but it's hard. And in our family, it's really expected that you create a list of a lot of things that you want as well as things, you know, so you're buying things, but you're also supposed to be telling people what you want to make it easier for them to buy good presents for you. And these are little things like, you know, mom said she want. She said she wanted a pair of oven mitts. I'm like, okay, I mean, stocking present, glamour. But I just, you know, and every year I'm like, I've learned my lesson this time it's just. It'll be a lot more fun and a lot easier if I just, like, start earlier and then I just don't. It just creeps up on you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But yeah, I also think it would help. Well, in our family, we draw names, and I think a lot of families do that. I think drawing names earlier would help this problem. I mean, I think part of it is you draw the name so close to Christmas that you're sort of behind before you started.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, yeah, and by drawing names, it's like all the adults in our family who are gonna be together for Christmas will draw one name, and then you just buy presents for that adult. Right. So. Right. Like this year I have mom, and mom's probably the easiest one because she is really good at making a list and that's why she's easy to buy for.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And it's exciting.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Like, I feel like I like knowing that I'm getting her something that she wants. It's not like it takes the fun out of it for me.

[Elizabeth Craft]

But you're right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We usually do it the day after Thanksgiving. And maybe we should move it up more like Labor Day.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yeah, exactly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Excellent. Okay, how about you, like, give us a gold star holiday. Gold star.

[Elizabeth Craft]

All right. I give my gold star to my mother in law and my father in law, Ramona and Bill, because they every Christmas make handmade tamales. And I may have mentioned on the show before that Mexican tradition is to eat tamales on Christmas. And Adam's family is Mexican American. And this is something that I've come to very much appreciate about their culture because I absolutely love tamales. And the thing is, it's a real pain to make them. It's like a multi day process. And they could just go buy a bunch of frozen tamales and heat them up, up. But they still go through every year the process, and you make dozens and dozens. I mean, it's not like, oh, you're making one pan of tamales, you're making. Because they also have a party every Christmas Eve. So you're making tamales, you know, for an army, basically.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Elizabeth Craft]

And so I give them a gold star because it really is one of those things like mom's Christmas decorations, that when you go to their house and they have the tamales, it really makes it feel like Christmas and feel warm and cozy and delicious and fun. So big gold star for taking the time and the effort during a busy time to actually make these by hand.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, that sounds so fun.

[Elizabeth Craft]

It is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Listen, you gotta FedEx some of those to Kansas City. And so we can have some satellite tamales this year.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Yes, excellent. We will love them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Set your holiday intention. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Thank you to our producer Kristen Meinzer. Also thanks to Andy Bowers and Laura Mayer of Panoply. Get in touch. Gretchen's on Twitter at gretchenrubin and I'm ElizabethCraft. Our email address is podcastretchenrubin.com until next week. I'm Elizabeth Craft.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. From the Onward project. Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here we host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you.

[Advertiser/Host]

You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?

[Elizabeth Craft]

Craig Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Help us gain perspective.

[Elizabeth Craft]

So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me? If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the.

[Gretchen Rubin]

More grounded I feel when I'm going.

[Elizabeth Craft]

Through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever you get podcasts, you can listen to. Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships. Keke Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success. Us Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.