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Happier with Gretchen Rubin
More Happier: How to Build Your Own Anxiety Emergency Kit [Revisited]
00:29:59
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Foreign.
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A
Hello, we're.
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B
Here for More Happier a podcast where we get happier. It's the weekend. It's a looser vibe. Hey Elizabeth.
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C
Hey Gretch.
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B
Now have you been hearing what I've been hearing? Which is these days, so many people are saying I'm anxious, I'm on edge, I don't feel like myself.
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A
Oh yeah, there Is a lot contributing to that feeling right now. And for most people, it's not one thing, it's everything all at once, just adding up.
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B
Yeah, absolutely. So today we are revisiting an episode with something small but really useful. An emergency kit for Anxiety, Worry and stress. It is a collection of quick strategies to things that you can actually do when you're feeling overwhelmed.
- [03:20]
A
We recorded this right before we were going on tour together with our live show, which was exciting but also completely chaotic and very high stress.
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B
Yeah, it was one of those times where we both felt like we were running on adrenaline and we just needed to find simple ways to keep steady and keep moving. What is it? Keep calm and carry on.
- [03:42]
A
Yes. So here we are, about to hit the road, packing our emergency kit and figuring out what we'd actually need.
- [03:54]
C
So, Elizabeth, going on tour is very fun, but there are aspects of it that are anxiety provoking, like many things in life. And this very special episode is all about anxiety. So this is the emergency kit for Anxiety, Worry, Stress, Fear. Because we thought it would be really helpful to just have a lot of things that you can use, not as long term solutions which are very important, but these are the short term emergency kit solutions. Yeah.
- [04:22]
A
And we should mention there are scientific ways to define anxiety, stress and worry that distinguish these states. But we're talking as laypeople, so we're just going to use the terms somewhat interchangeably.
- [04:34]
C
Yeah. So even if you think, oh, there's a difference between anxiety and worry and stress, like, we're just going to mix those terms up. Also speaking of the science, we want to be clear, we are not speaking as doctors or experts, which we are not. And we are talking about the range of ordinary emotions. And it is absolutely the case that some people have a level of anxiety that requires professional help to manage. And for people who feel overwhelmed and can't function, we encourage you to seek help. There are many, many, many excellent tools out there. What we're talking about is people who are maybe feeling an unpleasant amount of anxiety, worry, fear, stress, but still with one, what we would call like just the normal range, the ordinary range of how people feel.
- [05:17]
A
Yes. Because there is no way to go through life without experiencing these things.
- [05:21]
C
Yeah. And the fact is, many aspects of human nature, partly how anxious you are is a function of heredity, and it's also a function of environment and experience. And so some people struggle with these issues more than others, but for practically everyone, it is something that is a happiness stumbling block to more or less degree. And so what we're talking about is the emergency kit. What we're talking about is the kind of stuff, you got it in your.
- [05:46]
B
Basement, you got it in the trunk of your car, you pull it out.
- [05:48]
C
When you need it in the short term. So this is not deep work or long term solutions, but just like, what can help get you through a tough time right now?
- [05:54]
A
So if you're feeling anxious, stressed, worried, as we go through this list, think about what might work for you. People might even want to pick five of these ideas and try them and see if they help.
- [06:05]
C
Yes. So this is our long list of ideas to think about. If you are like, oh, my gosh, I'm so stressed out, I'm so anxious, I can't sleep. I'm so worried about this. I can't, you know, I feel overwhelmed. What can you do?
- [06:17]
A
I have to say, I am the queen of waking up in the middle of the night and just laying there. And we're going to talk about that. A million worries, stress and anxiety crashing down upon me. So I'm glad we're doing this.
- [06:30]
C
Yes. Because there's a lot of things and like, so much with happiness. I think part of what's helpful is to think, oh, there's things I can do to try to make myself feel better. I don't have to just let this. These waves are just not crashing over me. Like, I can do things to try to address it. One of the most interesting is reframing. And this is too.
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A
No, I love reframing.
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C
You love reframing. Okay, so here's a new way of reframing. So sometimes people are like, stress is bad. I should not feel stressed. Stress is not good for you. It's gonna give me heart disease, it's gonna give me insomnia. And so they get stressed. Like being stressed just makes them feel even more stressed.
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B
But one way to reframe it is.
- [07:07]
C
To think, well, in many ways, stress is actually good for us. And there's a really interesting book by the psychologist and Professor Kelly McGonigal called the upside of Stress, why Stress is Good for you and how to get good at it. And she makes some points that to me were like a revelation. She says, actually stress is our body rushing to our help. Our body is trying to help. And so you feel this stress coursing through you, but it wakes up your senses, like you're hearing and you're seeing. Sharpen you think more quickly, less important priorities fall away. It gives you energy to rise to a challenge. It can enhance your physical abilities. It can make you feel more brave. It can help you connect. Like you have feelings of protection or support or like you want to connect with other people. And so she said, like, think of it as, you know, my body's trying to help me. And so it's not like I'm stressed, but you think, like, I'm excited, I can feel how excited I am, or wow, I'm really pumped. I really feel how pumped I am. And it is also sort of that change of language to be more positive. So instead of saying like, oh, I panicked, say I got rattled. You know, that seems much more. Getting rattled sounds unpleasant. I panicked sounds kind of like an emergency. And so part of it is reframing it so that you see how being stressed. Oh, I'm really like, you're stressed for performance, but in many ways that's your body that's going to help you perform.
- [08:29]
A
Yeah. Speaking of live shows, that's a perfect place to employ this. Instead of saying, oh my God, my heart's pounding. I don't want to go on stage. Say, oh, my heart's pounding because I'm so pumped to go on stage.
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C
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, we're so excited. Exactly. Now, of course, stress does can become harmful. Every medicine can become poison. But. But there is this good to it. And, you know, here's something else, Elizabeth. I was at a lecture at my daughter's school, and this guy, Michael Sweeney, who talks about anxiety and children, made a point that I thought was really interesting because he said, many people say, oh, I have this child who's doing very, very well, and yet they're very stressed. And I don't understand. They shouldn't feel stressed because they do really well. And he said, but stress is part of that feeling. Anxiety is part of what helps people to excel. It makes them worry about their deadlines and worry about what their teacher thinks and, you know, makes them study because they're worried that they won't learn it anym. He said, you know, having no anxiety. Well, like a lot of times, if your child has no anxiety, you kind of want your child to have more anxiety.
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A
Right.
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C
He said it's more about the balance and having it be a healthy amount of anxiety that's helpful but not overwhelming. And so he said, it's not that you want to take it all away, but that you just want to understand it's a helpful tool as long as it doesn't become too burdensome. And I just thought that was interesting to see the connection again. It's seeing there's Positives to this. This isn't a totally negative.
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A
This is for children and adults as well.
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C
And adults.
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A
Another interesting thing, Gretchen, is to remember that perfectionism is anxiety, not standards, which to me was mind blowing. I never thought about this before.
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C
Yeah.
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Because I think sometimes when people are.
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C
Like, I'm a perfectionist, like, I want to be less perfectionist, they kind of then start arguing with themselves about lowering their standards. But really, it's not about how high your standards are. It's about how anxious you are about failing. That's what perfectionism is. And so if you're anxious about failure and you want to work on that anxiety, not work on kind of like, what's your end product and what standard are you implying? So, like, one thing I love is to say, it's not that I failed.
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B
But, hey, I had the courage to try.
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C
So it's like, oh, I didn't get the promotion, and that is very stressful.
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B
But I had the courage to throw.
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C
My hat in the ring. And so, again, it's not that I'm a perfectionist, and, like, I don't want to try to get that promotion because I'm worried that I won't get it, and then, you know, I'll feel like a failure. It's like, okay, we'll try and fail, and that itself is a success.
- [10:50]
A
The other thing I think that's good to remember, Gretch, is if I'm not failing, I'm not trying hard enough.
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C
Yes. I remind myself of that all the time. Yeah.
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A
I mean, what both of us do professionally, we have to be failing at all times when we're doing nothing, which.
- [11:04]
C
Remind each other of that unpleasant truth. But, yeah, for us, failing is a necessary part of trying. Like, if we're not failing, we're not trying. And if we're not trying, we're not succeeding either. So.
- [11:15]
A
And Gretchen, there are many great apps to help, like with breathing and calming down. Like, Calm headspace insight timer. 10% happier. They all have different vibes and offerings, so you see what suits you, but it can really just help your body slow down.
- [11:33]
C
Many people now talk about how useful apps can be. Another thing for the toolkit. And again, a lot of these things are, you know, but, like, we know them, but we have to be reminded of them, which is talk to someone about whatever is making you anxious. Like, get that social support. First of all, you feel less alone, which is hugely important. Second of all, a lot of times solutions or ideas come up. Like, if you talk to somebody about some kind of parenting Thing, maybe talk to the parent of an older child who's gone through something similar. So you feel less alone. You feel like you have that social support, but you're not keeping up a perfect front. Yes, that kind of vulnerability draws people together, but they also might have useful perspective for you or information you don't have or a way to think about it. Like, a lot of times people have things to say that can be really helpful as well as just sort of feeling, like, the comfort of their presence and their support. Yeah.
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A
And I do think what you said is really important of not keeping up the perfect front. Like, a lot of times, the stress comes from trying to maintain that front. So once you've broken that wall and told someone, hey, I'm really worried about this.
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Right.
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You feel better just for having broken that wall.
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C
Yeah, a lot of times, somehow anxieties, stresses, worries, they kind of shrink into a more normal or, like, a more manageable size when you're talking about it with somebody else. I find. Here's an interesting one. It's a complicated one, which is proximity as a way to manage stress.
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A
So what does that mean?
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C
Okay, a lot of times we feel less anxious when we're with someone else. So, okay, you know, I'm a very fearful driver. We both have had our issues with driving, So I am much better driving when Jamie's on the car with me because he comforts me and makes me feel less anxious. Now, this is very effective, but the problem with it is it thwarts independence, because if I can only drive when Jamie's in the car with me, then obviously that's like a much less. Maybe a little kid feels less anxious when a parent is in the classroom, but then when that parent leaves, it still has to be managed. And so proximity, it's very effective, but it's risky. But here's a great example of kind of almost fake proximity. So I have a friend, Lisa, who is a very nervous flyer under any conditions. And she emailed me that she had to go someplace and she had to fly alone, which, again, proximity. If she's with members of her family, she feels less anxious. But she was by herself, and it was very bumpy. So she was very nervous. And so she decided what she would do is she would listen to our podcast.
- [14:07]
A
And she said it was like you were with her.
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C
Yeah, she said it was like you were sitting in the seat next to me talking to me. And she said, so partly I felt like you were with me, and partly it distracted me because I had something to think about other than like, oh, I'm just on this plane, like, how many hours is it going to be until I land? And I thought, well, what a great thing, you know?
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Yes, that's nice.
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C
That is nice.
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Helping nervous flyers. I like that.
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B
Yeah, we should put that in our tagline.
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C
Yeah.
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A lot of people feel comfort by having a proximity to their pet. Of course.
- [14:37]
C
Yeah. Pet your dog. There's something very. That's a kind of presence that's very comforting. And speaking of distraction, like having a podcast that distracts you, a lot of times, I think people feel like distraction is not good, like we shouldn't distract ourselves, just like we shouldn't numb ourselves, and that there's a lot of truth to that. You don't want to sweep a problem under the rug. You want to acknowledge that there is a source of anxiety so that you can tackle it. But I do think that distraction can be really helpful for giving yourself a mental break. And I remember Eliza, my daughter, was born early, and so she for a while was in the nicu, the neonatal intensive unit. And that was very scary. And so I wanted to just sit there every minute that I could, just there with Eliza. And I was sort of burning myself out. And so Jamie said, no, we're gonna go to a matinee. And I even remember the movie. It was Analyze this, which, ironically, giving our conversation is all about a mafia don played by Robert De Niro, who suffers anxiety attacks and has to go. So he ends up going to a psychiatrist. So the whole thing is about anxiety. But what I remember is that it was so helpful to me to have that just total mental break and lose myself in a story. And when I came back to the hospital, I was just in a much, much better mental place. And I think he was so wise to be like, you need to be distracted from this. We need a break. Because this isn't.
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A
Yeah. Kind of reset.
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Reset. Cause you're just spiraling yourself down in anxiety in a way that's. It's not doing anything to help Eliza, and it's certainly not helping you. And so I thought that was a great example of distraction.
- [16:13]
A
Yeah. And, Gretchen, the other thing is that's a good example of how someone else can help when they see you spinning out, feeling the anxiety, and they can step in and say, hey, let me help you out. So good job, Jamie. Coming up, more tools for your anxiety toolkit. But first, this spring, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform built to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're starting a passion project or scaling your business square, Squarespace gives you everything you need to build your brand and get paid all in one place. With Squarespace, you don't need to be a designer to look like one. Their cutting edge design tools and professionally built templates make it easy to create a site that feels custom to you. I love that you can start with Blueprint AI. It builds this personalized site in just a few clicks based on your goals and style.
- [17:16]
B
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- [17:31]
C
On doing what you love.
- [17:33]
B
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- [17:50]
A
Gretch we talk all the time about how important sleep is. It matters so much and for me, now that Jac is back in school, I have to get up really early. It's even more important that I get a good night's sleep. Well, let me tell you about the greatest hack I have now for a good night's sleep which is Coop Sleep Goods pillows. I have the Eden adjustable pillow and it has changed my life. I love it.
- [18:20]
B
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- [18:57]
A
Gretch, you know how much I love Audible. Audiobooks are such a huge part of my life. I'm always telling people to start listening to audiobooks. What I love is that Audible has something for everyone. My most recent book I have teed up to listen to is 4th Wing by Rebecca Yarros. I am a huge romance lover, have been since I was 12 years old and I have heard so much about this book. I Cannot wait to start listening.
- [19:28]
C
Yeah, that's the great thing about Audible.
- [19:30]
B
They have whatever you're in the mood for. You can hear modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and yes, Rebecca Yarros and Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, plus all the really steamy stuff. Whatever you're looking for, you can find the audiobook you will love. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial@Audible.com Happier.
- [19:57]
A
All right, Gretchen, our next tool is planning.
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C
Yeah. So with planning, you plan ahead and say, okay, I know that something's coming up where I'm going to feel anxious. I'm feel stressed about it. Are there steps I could do to make myself feel more at ease? And. And one that's a very practical thing. I remember Susan Cain suggested so Susan Cain, we interviewed her on the podcast way back, like our first year, and she's an expert on introverts and how they can, you know, work more effectively in the world. I remember when we were talking about being the parent of an introvert child, she had a great suggestion which is, you know, sometimes people want to go late thinking, oh, well, my child doesn't want to go, so I'll go right when the thing starts or right when the swimming lesson starts, for instance. And she said, actually a better way to do it for introverts is like to get there early so that you're there, it's very calm and quiet, you get adjusted to it, you can kind of acclimate as more and more people come. If you're connecting with somebody there, like the host of a party or a teacher or a coach, you have one on one time with them before, like there's just a swarm of people around. And I just thought that's a great example of like thinking about, okay, this is something that I anticipate will make me anxious. What are the ways that I can approach it that's gonna suit me better? And I have to say, I had always thought, oh, cut it shorter. But once she said, oh, it's better to go early when everything's calm. It's like, that makes perfect sense, you know, so just to be aware of how you could tinker with situations to make them better.
- [21:24]
A
Yeah. Rather than going late and just trying to blend in with the crowd, go early so you can have someone usher you through the situation.
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C
Yeah, yeah. Connect another tool in the toolkit. And this is related to planning is preparation, which is really prepare. If you're giving a presentation, rehearse. If you are writing a report, give yourself plenty of time. Now, a lot of times, procrastination is a function of anxiety. You're so anxious about writing the report that you put it off and put it off and put it off until the deadline is so dire that you can't. And then you're panicking because you're like, oh my gosh, I have no time to write this report. And what is the case is that a lot of times just starting lowers anxiety. And so really, really pushing yourself to make that first step. Then it's like, oh, okay, I'm started. I have plenty of. I did this. I formatted the table of contents. Oh, well, why don't I go ahead and put in the stuff that I just have to copy in? I'll do that. Oh, now I have two pages going on my annual report that you start feeling less anxious. And so preparation is something that can minimize anxiety.
- [22:25]
A
Gretch, this is a big one. Take action in the world.
- [22:28]
C
Yes.
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A
One quote often attributed to Gandhi, although it hasn't been verified, is, be the change you want to see in the world. And the idea is, if you're worried about something in the world, try to take action to fix or change it.
- [22:42]
C
Yeah. Because I think we feel a lot of anxiety about something, but when we take action in our own lives, that makes us feel better because we feel like, well, I am doing what I can. I'm not just on the sidelines worrying. I am trying to take action.
- [22:57]
A
Yes.
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C
On a much kind of more prosaic level. Making a list. Uh, you know, a lot of times. And you, Elizabeth, you have night thoughts. You have racing night thoughts.
- [23:05]
A
Yes.
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C
And one thing, often if you write them down, the brain can kind of let go of thoughts. Because it's like the brain is like, oh, I don't have to keep this in mind. I know it's memorialized on paper. And so writing things down will often help with that. And then just making a list, I think also increases people's feelings of control. I know I feel more controlled over an anxiety producing situation if I just have a list. Cause I'm like, well, this is what I have to do, or this is what's going to be required. It just feels more concrete and therefore more manageable.
- [23:34]
A
So is this like actually if I wake up at 4am right. Then at 4am, write down whatever is giving me anxiety.
- [23:43]
C
Turn.
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A
Never tried that.
- [23:45]
C
Go into the bathroom, make the light dim because you don't Want to wake yourself up with a bright light.
- [23:49]
A
Right.
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C
And just write down everything that's worrying you and see if that helps. Because for a lot of people, that really helps.
- [23:54]
A
I'll get a little pad of paper and I will try that.
- [23:56]
C
Yes. Speaking of being awake in the middle of the night, you want to think about your energy. Energy is a very important tool in the toolkit. Getting enough sleep, getting some exercise. The thing about exercise is it both calms us and energizes us, and so it makes it easier to sleep. If you're having trouble sleeping, it also kind of relieves that restless, anxious feeling. Like if you go for a two hour walk or something or whatever, it might be even a short walk. It just helps it kind of move through your body. I find that I'm much less anxious if I go for a long walk, definitely. Especially if it's like a beautiful hike or, you know, through Central Park. Like, it's distracting, it's beautiful, it's sunlight, you know, it's all those things.
- [24:38]
A
And Gretchen, I have talked about on the podcast how being on the treadmill desk lessens my anxiety about work things, especially like if we're getting notes, which can be very stressful. If I'm on the treadmill desk, just that movement helps me take it in and not feel so stressed.
- [24:56]
C
It is funny how it just kind of builds up in your limbs and it's released if you're exercising. Yeah.
- [25:03]
A
And of course, Gretchen, a big one is identify the problem, get worked up, try to pinpoint what it is that the problem is, and take action.
- [25:14]
C
I mean, we talk about identify the problem all the time. And I have to say, it's one of these things where I'm like, why is this so effective? It sounds so obvious and yet it's so easy not to identify the problem. It's something that we really have to remind ourselves to do. Yes.
- [25:28]
A
Once you do, you can sort of really do something that will alleviate your anxiety.
- [25:34]
C
Right. Like, you know, somebody who says, I'm so anxious about this move, but why are you anxious about this move? Because it could be like, well, I'm.
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B
Worried that I'm not far enough along.
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C
In packing and we won't be ready when the movers come. Well, then that's like a specific problem that could have a solution. But if you're like, I'm really anxious about the move because I don't know my new neighbors, well, then that suggests a completely different kind of solution. And so identifying the problem, I think makes it much easier to figure out ways to tackle the source of the stress or the anxiety.
- [26:03]
A
And Gretchen, we talked about this one in episode 56, which is schedule time to worry, which I think is just funny.
- [26:10]
C
It is funny. But research shows this really works. Like, set aside time. And then, like, before, you're like, oh, I want to worry about this, but I can't because I have to wait until my scheduled time. And then, like, you sit down, maybe you have your pad of paper and you're making a list or you're doing whatever. And that's. You just worry, worry, worry, worry. And then time's up. It's like, okay, I gotta wait for my next scheduled appointment. It really works.
- [26:32]
A
And then, of course, Gretchen, one tool is to seek more information on something that's worrying you. So this is the sort of research.
- [26:40]
C
Yes.
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A
Solution.
- [26:42]
C
Now, this is not just like, go Google physical symptoms, which we all know is like, you know, a terrible, like, can lead you to a very dark place. But sometimes, like, you can find a book. I always think of books, but, you know, or whatever that has information in it that can be really, really comforting and helpful when you're really stressed out. For instance, I was worried about a social issue my daughter was having at school. And I read this excellent book, which I talk about all the time, called Best Friends, Worst Enemies by Michael Thomps. And he has this idea, we can't spare our children normal social pain. And he talks a lot about, well, what is normal social pain? But I was like, this is normal social pain. You know, it's like, that's what this is. And I feel bad, but this is part of the human experience. We can't spare our children normal social pain. And that was just immensely anxiety relieving for me. And another example of a book is a book that many people who are going through divorce have told me is like their favorite book and is a book by Abigail Trafford called Crazy Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life. And one of the arguments in Crazy Time is that when a marriage breaks up, people become very disoriented and they sometimes very predictably, might behave erratically or do things that seem out of character during this period. And so many friends have said it was so comforting to me to know this is just like a normal stage. I mean, it's kind of weird and unpleasant, but. But it's a stage that many people go through and then it gets better. And so they felt less anxious because they could put it in a context that made it seem more normal rather than thinking, like, I don't understand what's going on here, which was immensely anxiety producing at a time when they were already incredibly stressed out.
- [28:23]
A
And Gretchen, even if you don't know like of an exact book to help your situation, you may know someone who could give you some perspective or some information. So you can just ask yourself, is there someone who could give me some insight on what I'm worried about?
- [28:38]
C
Right. Is there some expert, could I talk to the coach at school? Do I have a friend who's a doctor who I could just exploit her brain? Like think about, are there people within my reach? Because sometimes it's like we ignore resources that are right at hand because we just aren't asking ourselves who would know more about this than I do, you know?
- [28:54]
A
Yeah, there's usually someone.
- [28:56]
C
There's usually someone coming up, More tools.
- [29:00]
A
For your anxiety toolkit. But first, this break Peloton is shaping the future of fitness with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton iq, this is Peloton's most elevated equipment with real time guidance and endless ways to move on your own or with your favorite instructors. It's cross training reimagined with features designed to make your workout more personal. Gretch, you know that I love an instructor. I love to be told what to do and when to do it. I like to be able to take different classes to change it up and with my personality, this is how I can get the best workout. The variety of classes I can get with the cross Training Tread plus is unmatched. They have nailed it.
- [29:55]
B
Peloton IQ even tracks your progress and suggests weights that challenge you so you can get stronger. The new movement tracking camera allows Peloton IQ to count your reps and correct your form in real time, taking the guesswork out of your workout so you can train safer, lift smarter and make every rep count. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go Explore the new peloton cross training tread +@1peloton.com Huge savings on Dell AI.
- [30:26]
A
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- [30:54]
B
It's like having a personal assistant built right into your PC to cover the menial tasks so you can focus on what matters. That's the power of Dell AI with Intel inside with deals on Dell AI PCs like the Dell 16 plus, starting at $749.99, it's the perfect time to refresh your tech and take back your time. Upgrade your AI PC today by visiting Dell.com deals that's Dell.com deals when our dogs thrive, we thrive too. Prioritizing their health means more joyful moments together, whether it's with walks, play, or just having them close by. I have a new puppy, Taffy, and along with our dog Barnaby, they make us so happy. Now with us humans taking small, consistent daily actions to keep us healthy are so important to our happiness. And that's important for our dogs too. That's why we love Get Joy's Freeze Dried Raw Dog Food Get Joy's Freeze Dried Raw Dog food is made with real whole food ingredients like 100% USDA sourced beef or chicken, pumpkin for digestion, salmon oil for their skin and coat. Plus it includes Belly Biotic blend with pre pro and postbiotics for gut health.
- [32:13]
A
And it's great for a busy lifestyle. Just scoop and serve, no thawing or prep needed. Plus it's pantry friendly, no freezer space required. Save 30% on your first order plus receive a free scoop and free bag of treats, $33 in value. Visit getjoyfood.com Happier Gretchen Something doesn't surprise me. You recommend is start tracking. If you're worried about a physical symptom or a pattern of behavior, keep a record.
- [32:45]
C
Yeah, our memories can be very faulty, so you may think that something's happening a lot more than it is, or you might think it's not happening as often as it is. It's very good information. And also it can be reassuring because sometimes we think, oh, I'm not spending any time with my kid, or whatever. And then when you see the record, you're like, actually, it's not as bad as I thought. So just having information by tracking often relieves anxiety.
- [33:06]
A
Another tool is to beware of catastrophizing. This is a big one for me.
- [33:11]
C
This is a big one for you, Elizabeth. Yes. So catastrophizing is when we magnify negative consequences. Like we're like, this is definitely gonna happen and it's definitely gonna be a catastrophe. So Elizabeth, how do you help yourself deal with catastrophizing?
- [33:26]
A
Well, I think just realizing I'm doing it is the best thing. And then just trying to say, okay, let me not take this to the worst possible place it could Go is really what helps. Now, part of the problem is I'm the kind of person who thinks if I worry about it, it won't happen.
- [33:45]
C
Yeah.
- [33:45]
A
So in catastrophizing, I'm sort of in my mind, anti catastrophizing. You know what I mean?
- [33:52]
C
No. Right.
- [33:53]
A
It's tricky, and I think a lot of people are that way. But I really am trying not to do it because it's not only unpleasant for me to catastrophize, it's really awful for the people around me. It's like Sarah and Adam. So I'm really trying to work on that.
- [34:10]
C
It's a big one. Here's a good one. Here's one. This is like, I think of all the tools in the toolkits, this is probably going to be the most popular tool, which is treat yourself to a healthy treat. We talked about treat yourself all the way back in episode nine. And this is not an unhealthy treat because you don't want to do something to make yourself feel better that actually makes yourself feel worse. But it is true that when we treat ourselves, we energize ourselves. And so whether a treat for you is like going for a walk in the park or, you know, watching the office, that's a treat for me all times, whatever that might be. Having a wonderful cup of coffee from your favorite coffee shop and sitting in the window and, you know, people watching, that's a way to calm yourself down and give yourself that sense of mental release and mental energy to treat yourself.
- [34:52]
A
Gretchen, another way to relieve anxiety is to do a good deed for someone.
- [34:57]
C
Yes. I remember when I this really hit home for me. I was talking to a friend of mine who went through the worst time. Like, her boyfriend broke up with her, she lost her job, and she was rejected from a graduate program that she really wanted to be in. And I said, how did you get through it? Because everything ended up fine. But it was a tough time. And she said I was practically addicted to doing good deeds. It was the only thing that made me feel better. And it's definitely true, like doing good deeds for other people. It energizes us. It makes us feel good. It's one of the nicest things about human nature that one of the best ways to make ourselves happy is to make other people happy. And so if you are feeling stressed and anxious, even if it's a little thing like, oh, I told that person that I would send along the information of the plumber that I recommended, or I'm just gonna stop and have a nice conversation with this person, or I'm gonna compliment this person about their new dog. Even a tiny good deed, and of course a big good deed makes you feel even better. So that's a way to deal with a positive way of dealing with anxiety.
- [35:52]
B
And here's one that I learned from.
- [35:54]
C
My husband Jamie, is that when you're super stressed about a mistake you've made. Cause I get really, really anxious when I've made a mistake. I get very defensive and, like, all worked up and riled up, can kind of have trouble putting it aside. Jamie always says, we've all done it. And it's like, I find that immensely comforting. It's just like we've all hit reply all. Instead of just reply, we've all made a typo in the very first paragraph of a super important email or resume. You know, it's just like, we sure have. We've all done it. And it's like, yeah, what are you going to do? So that's a good stress reliever.
- [36:29]
A
Gretchen, as we talked about, sometimes you really do need professional intervention to handle anxiety and stress and worry. And there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. But if it's just the everyday worries and stresses of life, I think using these tools can make a huge difference.
- [36:47]
C
Well, absolutely, because, you know, when we are facing a difficult situation, a lot of times we do a better job of handling it. When we've taken steps to try to help ourselves to feel calmer, more energized, more active, it actually makes us more capable of dealing with whatever it is that's making us feel stressed or anxious or worried when we've done what we can to manage those feelings. And so the emergency kit is like, okay, what can you do right now to deal with those things which may be small or which may be gigantic?
- [37:18]
A
Well, I'm going to try writing down my worries in the middle of the night, and I'll let you know how it goes.
- [37:22]
C
Good. Report back. And then maybe for Christmas, I'll give you, like, a special dedicated pad. If it works for you, that'd be a great stocking gift.
- [37:28]
B
Let us know about your thoughts, experience.
- [37:30]
C
Strategies, hacks for dealing with anxiety. This is such a common happiness stumbling block, and we can all learn from each other. We would love to hear your reflections. Let us know on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Drop us an email@podcastretchenrubin.com or go to happiercast.com 240 for everything related to this episode.
- [37:52]
A
Okay, Gretch, we're not going on the road But I feel like I need to start using these hacks again.
- [37:57]
B
Yeah, I know. Pick one tool and try it. Like we don't have to do everything. Just interrupt that spiral.
- [38:03]
A
Ooh, that should be the tagline. Interrupt the spiral. Right.
- [38:07]
B
Well, that is what the emergency kit is for. Not to make everything better, just to make it a little less worse. So, Elizabeth, are you feeling happier?
- [38:15]
A
I am happier and I can't wait to give these ideas another try. Gretch, I need them. Thank you to Chuck and everyone at Lemonada. If you want to hear this show and others ad free, remember to subscribe@lemonada.
- [38:28]
B
Premium.Com and remember, the best time to start a happiness project is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
- [38:52]
C
From the onward project.
- [38:57]
A
Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here we host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you. You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of of major life transitions?
- [39:24]
B
Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might.
- [39:30]
C
Help us gain perspective.
- [39:33]
B
So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else.
- [39:48]
C
But is not very important to me?
- [39:51]
B
If I could magically change one habit.
- [39:54]
C
In my life, what would I choose?
- [39:57]
B
And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier.
- [40:14]
C
With greater self knowledge, we're better able.
- [40:16]
B
To make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values.
- [40:22]
C
In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition.
- [40:33]
B
For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever your get podcast, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.