More Happier: Introducing “Since You Asked with Gretchen Rubin and Lori Gottlieb”

Summary

Podcast Summary: Happier with Gretchen Rubin

Episode: More Happier: Introducing “Since You Asked with Gretchen Rubin and Lori Gottlieb”
Date: September 27, 2025
Hosts: Gretchen Rubin & Lori Gottlieb

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Overview

This special episode serves as a cross-over introduction to Gretchen Rubin’s new podcast, “Since You Asked with Gretchen Rubin and Lori Gottlieb.” The episode gives listeners a taste of the new show, where Gretchen (happiness expert) and Lori (therapist and writer) answer real-life listener dilemmas related to relationships, family, advice, and communication. Themes of emotional labor, boundaries, advice-giving (and when it goes wrong), and navigating tricky interpersonal situations are addressed in lively, empathetic, and practical discussions.

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Introduction to “Since You Asked”

[02:00 – 04:07]

• Gretchen excitedly introduces “Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin.”
• The podcast is positioned as an advice show tackling complex personal dilemmas that don’t have easy answers, blending Gretchen’s happiness research with Lori’s therapy perspective.
• Origins: Lifelong friends who decided, after a phone conversation, to join forces because of their shared passion for helping others live happier lives.
  • Lori Gottlieb: “When we get excited about something, we move fast. And ta da. Here is since youe asked.” [05:01]
• Listeners play a big role, sending in questions for on-air guidance and offering their own advice through segments like “Wisdom of Crowds.”

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About the Hosts

[05:43 – 06:11]

• Lori: Psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and the New York Times “Ask the Therapist” columnist.
• Gretchen: Best-selling author focusing on happiness and habits (The Happiness Project), host of “Happier with Gretchen Rubin.”
• The new podcast welcomes all dilemmas—big or small, embarrassing, or persistent.

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Key Discussion 1: In-Laws, Emotional Labor, and Family Time

Listener Question: “Am I doing a bad job of taking care of my family by leaving my husband’s family relationships up to him?”
[06:54 – 11:24]

• The Dilemma: A listener feels guilty about not taking initiative with her husband’s family, when she’s proactive with her own.
• Lori’s Insight:
  • Highlights the emotional labor women often shoulder.
  • Suggests approaching the topic directly with her husband, acknowledging recurring marital dynamics around family involvement.
  • “I think in general, the division of emotional labor falls more heavily on women.” [07:46]
• Gretchen’s Insight:
  • Reminds that research shows “relationships make us happy” [08:28].
  • Suggests reframing from “his family” vs “my family” to “our family."
  • The responsibility for relationships can and should be shared.
  • “Maybe a way to think about it more is that it’s their family... How would it be fair to set that up?” [08:28]
• Practical Ideas:
  • Consider setting up recurring events (e.g., monthly dinners) to reduce the scheduling burden.
  • Open, curiosity-driven conversations about preferences and values.
  • Modeling inclusive family relationships for the children.
• Quote:
  • Lori: “It’s kind of a couple’s issue of how do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together.” [09:11]
  • Gretchen: “It’s a huge amount of work to make arrangements … It really can feel burdensome.” [10:03]

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Key Discussion 2: Poll—Should You Tell a Friend Their Partner Isn't a Good Match?

[11:41 – 16:29]

• Segment “Wisdom of Crowds”: Poll asked if friends should tell each other when they think someone’s partner isn’t a good match (with no red flags, just incompatibility).
  • 56% “only if they ask”
  • 33% “no, it’s not my place”
  • 10% “yes, the person deserves honesty”
  • 2% “only if it affects me”
• Notable Listener Responses:
  • Carol: Shared an unintentional honest comment that made a friend reconsider her relationship. [13:03]
  • Elora: Instead of giving an opinion, she asked, “Are you happy?”—serving as a gentle prompt for reflection [13:16].
  • Mary: Chose not to say anything and years later the couple is still together [13:23].
  • Catherine: Friendship was forever changed after giving an unsolicited opinion [14:14].
  • Melanie: Was on the receiving end; outside opinions on her relationship only soured connections [15:00].
• Hosts’ Takeaways:
  • Gretchen: “I would answer only if they asked... I do like that question from Elora: ‘Are you happy?’” [15:24]
  • Lori: “It’s easy to forget that what might seem like a problem to you... might not bother them at all.” [15:45]
  • Advice: Default to perspective-taking and avoid projecting personal priorities onto others.

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Key Discussion 3: Breaking Communication Patterns in Relationships

[18:24 – 23:27]

• Listener Question: How to stop falling into repetitive argument traps with a partner (different approaches to planning, money, etc.)?
• Gretchen:
  • Praises the desire to work on communication rather than change each other.
  • Recognizes that everyone has different values and perspectives (“Planning versus Spontaneity. Some people love to plan like me. Some people love spontaneity. I don’t want any spontaneity at all.”) [18:53]
• Lori:
  • Emphasizes the need for curiosity and understanding each other’s backgrounds (“They had a couple of decades, at least before we met them, to form their own ideas...”) [21:39]
  • Endorses premarital therapy as a way for couples to preemptively develop communication tools [20:02].
• Practical Suggestions:
  • Have calm discussions when not tired, rushed, or hungry.
  • Understand the “why” behind preferences.
  • Find compromises so both partners’ needs are addressed.
  • Lori: “Our suggestions are don’t be hungry or pressed for time. Approach with curiosity, understand the why, and then find ways to respect the differences.” [22:59]

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Key Discussion 4: When Advice Goes Wrong

[23:27 – 29:53]

• Segment: “Sometimes Advice Goes Wrong”
• Hosts invite listeners to share stories of ignoring good advice, following bad advice, or giving misguided advice.
• Why Sharing Mistakes Helps:
  • Gretchen: “A really good way to teach someone... is to give them actual, concrete examples of when someone made the wrong choice and what that looked like.” [24:01]
  • Gretchen’s own “law firm letterhead” story as a cautionary tale.
• Listener Stories:
  • Jane (a GP) recognized she gave bad parenting advice before she had kids herself.
  • Shelley & Sarah regretted ignoring advice on moving and home buying.
  • Rose regretted keeping her child in a toxic environment for resilience’s sake.
  • Jess: “In college, my aunt convinced me to drop my English major... I wish she had just told me to push through the first paper.”
  • Christie missed out on a Wall Street Journal internship due to well-meaning but bad advisor advice [27:04].
  • Lisa’s childhood story: Her mom’s snake advice failed because the snake was dead. “Sometimes it can be the best advice in the world and still not right for the situation.” [28:27]
• Key Takeaways:
  • Good advice is not one-size-fits-all—it must fit the person and context.
  • Trust yourself; sometimes even well-intentioned advice can mislead.
  • Advice is often shaped by the giver’s priorities and worldview, not yours.

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Key Discussion 5: The Perils of Unsolicited Advice

[31:45 – 36:02]

• Segment: “Unsolicited Advice”—things listeners wish they could tell someone but don’t.
• Examples from Listeners:
  • Telling a friend their relationship is toxic.
  • Advising a newlywed cousin not to get a dog before having a baby.
  • Wishing to tell a friend she talks too much or that someone’s job is “slowly killing” them.
  • Offering wardrobe or hair advice to friends and family (“My friend’s wardrobe makes her look frumpy and she’s so beautiful.” [34:21])
  • Urging someone to see a therapist or take an anxiety screener.
  • Telling someone their negativity is affecting relationships or that they never ask about others’ lives.
  • Notifying someone of a misspelled word on their website.
• Host Reflections:
  • Lori: “A lot of times the unsolicited advice comes from a place of wanting to help and sometimes it comes from a place of wanting to control. And we have to see when that difference happens.” [34:09]
  • Gretchen: “The negativity bias means that we tend to naturally focus on the negative... sometimes you have to make an effort not to get sucked into the negativity bias.” [35:11]
  • Trickiest advice: About infidelity (“Okay, that you cannot say...unless she doesn’t know.”) [35:53]
  • Takeaway: Unsolicited advice can be fraught—even if well-intentioned.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “If there’s one thing that the research shows, it’s that relationships make us happy.” – Gretchen Rubin [03:41, 08:28]
• “At the heart of it, this is about relationships... It’s not his family, her family—it’s their family.” – Gretchen Rubin [08:28]
• “Only if they ask.” – Gretchen Rubin, on telling friends about dubious partners [15:24]
• “Are you happy?” – Elora (listener) [13:16]
• “A way to give good advice is to explain when something went wrong.” – Lori Gottlieb [25:13]
• “Unsolicited advice can be so tricky. And so we want to hear more of your experiences because we also think we can learn a lot from what people wish they could tell other people.” – Lori Gottlieb [37:16]

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Community Engagement & Next Episode Teaser

[38:02 – End]

• Hosts encourage listeners to submit their own dilemmas and advice stories via their website and social media.
• Teaser Question for Next Episode:
  • Rebecca struggles with boundary issues on a family group text, as caregiving frustrations spill out from her sister. Listeners are asked for their advice and ideas for healthy boundaries in family communication.

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Notable Timestamps

• 02:00 – Podcast introduction and “Since You Asked” premise
• 06:54 – Listener question on in-laws, emotional labor, and family allegiances
• 11:41 – Wisdom of Crowds: Should you warn a friend about a poor relationship match?
• 18:24 – Cordelia’s question on recurring arguments and communication styles in relationships
• 23:27 – When advice goes wrong—host and listener anecdotes
• 31:45 – Unsolicited advice—the struggle, listeners’ real-life examples
• 38:02 – Book recommendation: Best Friends, Worst Enemies by Michael Thompson
• 38:35 – Teaser for the next episode’s family text dilemma

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Tone & Style

• Warm, conversational, encouraging, and empathetic.
• Both hosts draw from research, personal experience, and lived wisdom, fostering a sense of supportive community.
• Listener participation is actively sought and respected.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode is an engaging, thoughtful blend of practical advice and genuine reflection on the complicated realities of relationships, habit-building, and boundary-setting. Gretchen Rubin and Lori Gottlieb use their complementary expertise (happiness and psychology) to offer nuanced answers—and demonstrate that sometimes, the best advice is learning to listen, reflect, and respect differing perspectives. This new show promises interactive, crowd-sourced wisdom and real-talk about life’s stickiest issues, inviting the audience to share, support, and find humor in imperfection.

Transcript

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[Gretchen Rubin]

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[Lori Gottlieb]

Lemonade.

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

Hello, we're here for more Happier A podcast where we get happier. If you listen regularly, you know how much I love hearing your questions and insights. That's why I am so excited to share something new. The first episode of my new podcast, since youe Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin. This is an advice podcast. I am hosting it with my longtime friend Lori Gottlieb. Lori is a therapist and bestselling author. We've known each other for years. In this podcast, each week, listeners send us their questions, the kind of dilemmas that make family dinners awkward, strain friendships, or leave you lying awake at night. I bring the perspective of happiness research. Lori brings therapy expertise. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't. In our very first episode, you'll hear a thorny question about family dynamics that may feel uncomfortably familiar. You'll also find out how people responded to another dilemma that divided thousands, which we posted on social media. And you'll also hear the story of how this podcast got going now, do not worry. Happier will keep going strong. We will continue without a break. But if you'd like to listen to an advice podcast where we take on the kinds of real life questions that don't have easy answers, sense you asked is here for you. So let's listen together. Here it is, episode one of the since you Asked podcast.

[Listener/Caller]

I feel guilty that I don't do more to foster his relationship with his family. Is it okay to just say my husband? If you don't care about this, then neither do I. Am I doing a bad job of taking care of my family? What do you think?

[Gretchen Rubin]

If there's one thing that the research shows is that relationships make us happy.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think that often people think this is an in law issue.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Maybe a way to think about it more is that it's their family.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. How do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together?

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

Hi, Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Hi, Gretchen.

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

And hi, Sensuous.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is so exciting. It is our very first episode of the since youe Ask podcast podcast. This is a podcast where we all help each other get through the challenges of everyday life. And here we are.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's our first episode. And Gretchen, should we tell people how it got started?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, let's explain.

[Lori Gottlieb]

For those of you who don't know, you are Gretchen Rubin. I'm Lori Gottlieb. And I guess it all started with a phone call not that long ago.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yum yum. So people may not know this, but we actually went to college together. So we were talking on the phone.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we were talking about how we both love the work that we do to help people live happier lives. And do you remember how this happened, Gretchen? I don't even remember, but somehow the idea came up that we should do this together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We should join forces.

[Lori Gottlieb]

We got so excited about it and I think it was just a few weeks after having the idea.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We move fast. We move fast.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. When we get excited about something, we move fast. And ta da. Here is since youe asked.

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

So what can you expect?

[Gretchen Rubin]

So we are going to be giving advice. Very, very classic giving advice. And we are also going to be asking for the input from listeners. You listeners are a big part of this show.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's right. So each episode, of course, we're going to answer a few of your requests for advice. But we're also going to shake things up with a rotating mix of special segments. It could be anything from advice that went terribly wrong, which we can all learn from, and unsolicited advice that you wish you could give. And we know that each and every one of us has unsolicited advice that we wish we could give someone.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is your opportunity. So for those of you who do not already know us, here's who we are. Lori, you are a psychotherapist and writer. You are the author of the blockbuster, bestselling maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. And you also write the New York Times column Ask the Therapist.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Gretchen, you are also a bestselling writer who explores happiness and good habits and human nature. You're best known for your book the Happiness Project. And you're also the host of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So for the since you Asked podcast, whether it's the pet peeve that has annoyed you for years, the question you're too embarrassed to ask, or the dilemma you just can't solve, we will address it all.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That we will. And this week we'll talk about this question of whose family are you responsible for? And we'll report back what you said when we asked you whether to tell a friend that the person they're dating is not a good match for them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, let's jump in for a since you Asked segment. We'll always start each episode with one of your questions. This week. It's a question about in laws and family time. It's from a listener named Laura and it goes like this.

[Listener/Caller]

I live in the same city as my in laws, my brother and sister in law, and my mother and father in law. I also live in the same city as my sister and about 20 minutes away from my parents. I take a ton of initiative to set up time with my sister and her family and my parents and we will frequently have dinner together. We occasionally go on vacation or have long weekends together. My husband does not take that initiative and I feel guilty that I don't do more to foster his relationship with his family. So I don't necessarily reach out to them and invite them over. I sort of think that that's his job to do and I don't go out of my way to set up time for my kids to see the grandparents on that side because again, I sort of assume that that's my husband's job to do and I don't need to get into the middle of it. But am I doing a disservice to my kids and am I doing a bad job of taking care of my family and keeping things equal? Is it okay to just say like to my husband? If you don't care about this, then neither do I. What do you think?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Thank you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Interesting question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It Is this is something that we hear so much from friends, from other family members. I hear this in therapy all the time. Who is responsible for maintaining the relationships or dealing with anything that has to do with the in laws? And I think in general, the division of emotional labor falls more heavily on women. And it seems like we don't really know what's going on with him. Maybe he feels like she's just gonna do it and so I don't need to think about it. Or maybe there's a reason that he's not as enthusiastic about seeing them as much as the other in laws are being seen. I think it's important just to say to him, hey, I've noticed that we have this pattern in our marriage around our parents. How would you like it to go?

[Gretchen Rubin]

I absolutely agree. At the heart of it, this is about relationships. And if there's one thing that the research shows is that relationships make us happ. And from Laura's question, it sounds a little bit like she's thinking it's his family and her family. And maybe a way to think about it more is that it's their family. And talking about, well, what do we want our relationship with our family to look like? And how would it be fair to set that up? Because as she says, it's her children's relationships, but it's also her relationships to his family, rather than just sort of saying like, I'll do mine, you do yours, and if it's not important to you, it's not important to me. She said, if you don't care about this, neither do I. Well, maybe she has her own reasons for caring about it because they are all extended families.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I completely agree with that. I think that often people think this is an in law issue, but really it's a how do we want our family's relationships to be issue. It's kind of a couple's issue of how do we as a couple navigate our family relationships together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Which is a much more helpful way to think about it. You know, it's just much more appealing. It's a way to frame it. Now to be clear, if there is a problem, like if there's an issue that needs to be raised, something sensitive or difficult, then I think if it's your parents, it's your conversation to have. It's not for the in law to have, but this is more about making plans and spending time together.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. A lot of times you get a different issue, which is your parent is being problematic in this way. And you both agree that that's happening, but the person whose parent it is is too afraid or hesitant to talk to their own parent about it. In that case, you really do need to talk to your own parent about it. You can't make your do that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But the fact is, it's a huge amount of work to make arrangements. I mean, anybody who does scheduling knows it is really a lot of time and energy to keep track of when are we going? What did you say? Do we need to accommodate? It really can feel burdensome. So maybe you're having your conversation with your husband to find out where he's coming from. And maybe another thing that you two could talk about is are there ways to make it easier for the whole family to stay in touch? A standing dinner once a month so that you're not constantly having it moving around the calendar, but you just sort of know that it's coming. Or maybe you're inviting your family to some event. Maybe you're like, okay, well, maybe we could invite his side as well, looking for ways to do it without making it too much of an extra task. Because it is a lot of work to make those kinds of plans.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And having systems in place just takes a lot of that emotional burden away and that kind of logistical burden away.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And the decision fatigue of, well, when are we going to do it? If it's every Sunday night or the last Sunday of the month or something, it just makes things easier.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right? And what's really nice about that, too, is that research shows that people's relationships with their grandparents can be really fundamental to their lives and really formative. And so if you do have that standing dinner, it's like your kids will remember that you are fostering those relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And you're also modeling a behavior for your children, which is that we don't have size. Yeah, I mean, Lori, I cannot wait to hear people's responses.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, we want to know what you think, so please tell us what you think. And for info on how to weigh in or submit your own question, go to the since you asked podcast.com in.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This segment, we will hear from you in our segment called Wisdom of Crowds, where we will highlight a question on social media and then share your responses here. Our first question was if a close friend is dating someone very seriously and you don't think it's a good match for whatever reason. Now, to be clear, no big red flags. It just seems like a bad match. Would you say something now? Again, there's nothing that's harmful or dangerous. It's just, you don't think it's a good match. And we got thousands of responses from all of you. And there was a clear winner. 56% of you said they would say something only if the other person asked. 33% said, no, it's not my place. 10% said, yes, the person deserves honesty. And 2% said they would only do it if it affected them.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we wanted to know why. So hundreds of you shared your own experiences of dealing with this question, and we're going to highlight a few. The winner of our poll, as you know, was 56%. Only if they asked. And Carol shared this example. She said, usually I wouldn't, but once I did, she asked me what I thought and before I could check my mouth out came, as long as you're okay with him never reading a story to your kids. My friend was an avid reader and the man thought books were a waste of space. It must have resonated. He disappeared from her life really fast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So the person didn't ask. But it worked out okay anyway. 33% said, no, it's not my place. Elora wrote, I've asked, are you happy? And that question worked wonders in prompting reflection. That's interesting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I love that because it sort of makes her serve as a mirror for the friend. And then the friend can think, well, am I, am I happy?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Rather than saying something that could be seen as judgment, Mary said, I had a friend in a long term relationship I didn't think was a great match. Fifteen years later, they're happily married. Unless there are major red flags, I'd keep my mouth shut. Sounds like Mary wishes she hadn't said anything. Yeah, and Roy said, I wouldn't say anything. What I see as a mismatch, like music preferences, might be surface level and not reflect their actual connection. That's a great point.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think that's so true. You never know what's important to somebody in a relationship that maybe isn't as important to them as it is to you. And then there's that 10% of people who said yes, they deserve honesty. So Anna shared yes because of the blinder factor of a new crush. Being a good friend is telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable or risky. Better to raise the flag now, consequences aside, before it's too late to share insights or help.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Some of you commented that you did give your honest opinions and now you've changed your mind about whether that was a good idea. Catherine wrote, I did once and it forever changed our friendship. She married him a couple years later. We were lifelong friends and I thought it was appropriate to share what I was seeing. I was wrong and won't do it again. And Pamela said, I've been in this position. Even just repeating what she said about him caused a huge wedge in our friendship. Years later, she married him and now I value his friendship too. So she weighed in, thought it drove a huge wedge. But then it all worked out and they all became friends. That's a great outcome.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This is why we got so many different responses in the poll, because there's never one right answer to this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So many variations.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And what we hadn't considered was what happens to the people who are on the receiving end of this advice. So we heard from Melanie and Melanie said, I've been on the other side. People were upset with my sweetheart now husband and blame my exit from the Mormon church on him. It didn't improve any relationships in any instance or in any amount. Mm.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's so interesting to see the range.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Gretchen, if you were taking the poll, what would be your answer?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I would answer only if they asked. I do have two friends whose relationship ended because one friend, without being asked, gave her honest opinion and the relationship never recovered. But I do like that question from Elora. Are you happy? Because as you say, it can be a mirror that can help somebody kind of self reflect. Yeah. Reflect on how happy they are.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I agree with that. And I think we're specifying there are no big red flags because in that case it's more complicated. But I think when there aren't big red flags, it's easy to forget that what might seem like a problem to you about somebody else's partner might not bother them at all.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Yes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And they might have different priorities than you have in choosing a partner. So for me, this is a reminder that before we give advice, we might want to do a little perspective taking.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One of my favorite phrases is it's not a bug, it's a feature. And something that you consider to be a bug may be a feature to somebody else in their relationship. So we don't always know what other people want or seek. Well, we love hearing your thoughts, so we will be sharing more questions like this one. Check out our social media channels and we will be highlighting your responses on the podcast.

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

Coming up, we answer a letter that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Just about all of us have struggled with in one form or another many times in our lives. But first, this break Foreign let's talk.

[ADT Advertiser]

About the Defender 110. It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer. Gretch, I have a friend who's extremely adventurous, and she loves her Defender 110. It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough. The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability. It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that gives the Defender 110amodern edge.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

Yeah, it has 3D surround cameras with Clearsight Ground View that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles in rough terrain. Clearsight Rear View offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window. Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler. Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey. Design your Defender [e-mail] Visit land roverusa.com to learn more about the Defender 110. Explore the Defender 110@land roverusa.com it's important.

[ADT Advertiser]

To recharge, but when you go on vacation, please don't hide the key under the mat. That's safe ish. We know safe ish. Home security hacks don't actually work. We just use them because they're easy. ADT's systems help keep you safe and secure and are customizable to your needs.

[Gretchen Rubin]

ADT offers tools and services like 24. 7 monitoring and cameras you can check from virtually anywhere with the ADT app. Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT ASAP. Don't settle for Safish. Get ADT.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And now we're back to answer this question. Since you asked Cordelia, you asked. I notice that my partner and I keep falling into the same argument traps, for example, planning ahead versus waiting to decide, wanting to travel versus preferring to save money, et cetera. I don't think either of us is out to change the other person. So can we change our communication or approach or something else to avoid having variations of the same arguments over and over?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, I love the fact that Cordelia is saying that they aren't out to change the other person because one of the things is there is no one right way. And a lot of times people do get caught up in trying to convince each other that they are right and that their way is better instead of just understanding that people have different perspectives, people have different values. Planning versus Spontaneity. Some people love to plan like me. Some people love spontaneity. I don't want any spontaneity at all and just recognizing that it's how we communicate what we want rather than trying to change each other's minds.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, and the question she's asking which is a great one, is how can we change our communication? Because whatever they've been doing has not been working. And it reminds me. It reminds me of how people come to therapy before they get married for premarital therapy, not because they're having problems, but because they want to learn how they can communicate about the differences that they will inevitably have. I think sometimes we think we love each other and we're so on the same page about everything, but there's still this otherness of our partners. And we need to give up the idea of changing the way another person fundamentally thinks or feels or moves through the world and instead figure out how do we work with each other's different self styles.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, can I just say I love this idea of premarital therapy. That sounds so wise to me because it's true. You can really work through these differences ahead of time with supervision. I mean, I think back in my life I had love at first sight with my husband, Jamie. We got engaged very fast. We talked about nothing. It was so irresponsible. Now we got lucky. But, you know, many people find out later that they have important disagreements. It would have been a great idea to work these things out in advance. Many of these conflicts are very predictable. So you know what to talk about.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And either people don't see see them before they commit to each other, or they just ignore them. They think it'll all work itself out. Someone might want to have kids and the other one might not really want to have kids or live in a certain city that the other one doesn't really want to live in. And they think, ah, that other person will come around. But you really need to have these conversations and talk about it. So let's talk about how Cordelia might be able to talk about this differently.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. On the practical level, one way to think about as you're having your communication is you want to talk about it in a cool, calm moment where you can both reflect and share what you want, where you're coming from, what your perspectives are, what kind of situations you're seeking. A lot of times these kinds of things come up when you feel pressed for time, or you need to make a decision quickly or you're hungry, or it's the end of the day and you're both exhausted, or there's a lot going on and you end up sniping at each other instead of having a calm, reflective conversation where you're really taking a moment to try to see the situation through someone else's perspective.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And I think that part of that is the orientation of coming from a place of curiosity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. I love that word.

[Lori Gottlieb]

We have to remember that we think we know our partners so well, but they had a couple of decades, at least before we met them, to form their own ideas about how things should be and what their preferences are and how they feel about things and why. So if you really understand, for example, what is it about money that makes him anxious, or what is it about planning that stresses him out, when you understand their history, you can feel more compassionate about the other person's perspective. So it doesn't feel like they're being rigid or annoying. It feels like, oh, that makes sense in the context of who they are. And they have good reasons for that. And I also have reasons for my way of moving through the world. And then what can we do differently to get both of our needs met? But maybe we have to do something where sometimes my needs get met in a certain way and this person doesn't participate in that with me, or we find a way to do something differently together.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Because it's not a question of who's right or who's wrong. It's a question of how do we create circumstances where we both thrive and that can look different in different situations. And, you know, I think that with a longtime partner, we assume that we know everything about them. We understand where they're coming from and. And we assume that they understand us and where we're coming from, but often we don't. And when we understand, then we have more compassion. I think that's a great point.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, absolutely. And I think most people know that they need to communicate, but they just don't know how to do that effectively. So they end up like Cordelia did in the same argument or the same conversation over and over. So I think our suggestions are don't be hungry or pressed for time. Approach with curiosity, understand the why, and then find ways to respect the differences where you can each get your needs met even if you don't always agree.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Now that is very good advice. Lori. I think you and I would say that's good advice, but sometimes advice goes wrong. So we have asked you, the listeners, to share instances where you either ignored good advice or followed bad advice. On social media, we ask the question, sometimes advice goes wrong. What's an example of a time when you ignored good advice or gave or followed bad advice?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I think people don't really want to talk about when advice went wrong. But we can all learn so much from each other by hearing about the times when it didn't go the way we planned it to go. And then we can do something differently next time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. We can learn from other people's mistakes. And in fact, research shows that a really good way to teach someone an important lesson about how to make the right choice is to give them actual, concrete examples of when someone made the wrong choice and what that looked like. Because a lot of times we think, oh, I would never do that. But then we don't recognize it in a particular situation if we don't have an illustration. And I have a funny example of this from my own life. I started my career in law, and I was a summer associate at a law firm. And the instruction was, never use the letterhead of the firm for your personal correspondence. And they said, you will think to yourself, I would never think to do that. Why in the world would I, for personal correspondence, use the firm's letterhead? There was somebody who traveled abroad with his family and had a bad experience at a hotel. And using the firm's letterhead, not thinking about it, he wrote to the hotel about how he'd had a bad experience. Cut to, Turns out the hotel chain was a major client of the firm, and it created a lot of very serious awkwardness. And I've never forgotten that story, because hearing how somebody just unthinkingly reached for the wrong paper in the printer led to this big problem. So learning from other people's mistakes and bad advice situations can be very illuminating.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love that.

[Lori Gottlieb]

A way to give good advice is to explain when something went wrong.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. Illustration is better than instruction, perhaps.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. And we have a bunch of them here. So we asked you when you had this experience, and here are some examples. So Jane said, I'm a gp, and before I had my own kids, I gave so much bad parenting advice to my patients.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, I actually really want to know.

[Lori Gottlieb]

What the bad advice was.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes, I know. Shelley said, I moved from a small apartment in a great location to a big apartment in a dud location. Again, against all advice. Okay.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And related to moving, Sarah said, I bought a home before I was ready because everyone said, get in the housing market. Now, that's something people say all the time. And I think that that's one of the things that you have to know what your own specific situation is. But when people make blanket statements like that with advice, I think really good advice is tailored toward the person and their particular experience and not, this is the advice for everybody.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Rose said, I kept my amazing kid in a mean environment because all advised it would make her more resilient. Bad advice it backfired, Jess wrote. In college, my aunt convinced me to drop my English major and major in something else. I wanted to be a writer, but had the worst writer's block. My aunt was trying to help me, but I wish she had just told me to push through the first paper instead of dropping English. Both of these comments are good examples of the importance of trusting yourself and your own instincts. It's so easy to think that, oh, somebody else knows better. Surely their advice is good. Because sometimes, with all the best intentions and out of so much love, people can lead us astray. We always have to think about that when we're considering someone else's advice.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Especially when we're younger. We think that, well, if somebody's older than us, they must have more life experience and know what to do. But sometimes we really do know what to do well.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And along those lines, this comes from Christie. She wrote, In 1988, I got offered a summer internship on the copy desk in Brussels for the Wall Street Journal. My journalism advisor said I absolutely could not take it because I had already committed to an internship at a small daily newspaper in Rhode Island. I think his advice was just terrible. The big paper experience would have opened so many doors professionally and I would have spent the summer in Europe. I am so bummed that I listened to him. But again, it's like somebody who's very well meaning and you're young and you think, well, they know the world of work, but you know, they're not always right.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They're not always right. And then we got a really unique story with a very universal reminder. This is from Lisa, she said. As a kindergartner, I was nervous about having to walk up our long farm lane by myself after getting off the school bus. What if there's a snake? I asked my mother. There won't be, she said. But what if there is? I said. Then throw a rock at it and it will go away, was her advice. Very first day, I had to walk up the lane by myself. There was a snake. I tried to throw rocks to move it, but the snake remained. Unbeknownst to my six year old self. It had been run over by a vehicle and was quite dead. All the rocks in the world wouldn't make the snake move. All I knew as I stood there bawling was the advice had failed. My mother eventually had to come rescue me. Sometimes it can be the best advice in the world and still not right for the situation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, that's such a good reminder That's.

[Lori Gottlieb]

A great illustration of that point.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. And sometimes, even if we don't take bad advice, just having someone else's bad advice in our head can distract us and make us doubt ourselves. I remember years ago when I was much earlier in my career as a writer, I was talking to another writer that I respected a lot, and she said, well, what is your subject? And I said, well, my subject is human nature. And she kind of waved her hand and said, oh, that can't be your subject. That's way too broad. And I didn't take her advice to find another subject. I consider that to be my subject. But her dismissiveness in that moment, it sat in the back of my mind and really made me uneasy for a very long time. And it's like, why was I listening to that drive by comment? That advice can get in our head.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And I think sometimes the advice is what somebody would do for themselves and they're not thinking about what would be good for you. And so many times I hear people say things that their parents said to them. That was well meaning advice, but it's because their parents had a different risk tolerance or their parents had a different worldview or whatever it might be. And that was good advice for that parent, but not necessarily for the person that kid grew up to be.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, you know, in my case, I kind of wonder, maybe that writer was thinking, darn it, I should have that be my subject. That's kind of her subject too. So maybe it was a little bit of, oh, darn it. I didn't know you could do that.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You never know where somebody else is coming from with advice. Take it under advisement.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. So we want to hear more of your advice gone wrong. To send in your answer, go to the since you ask podcast.com and have you ever been tempted to give unsolicited advice? Well, we're here for it. Coming up.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Audible has thousands of titles, so you can listen to whatever audiobook you're in the mood for. You can find the book Boyfriend in the City or Another on the hockey Field. Or if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm, perhaps with dragons. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com/happier and now let's talk about some unsolicited advice. In this segment, we discuss advice we wish we could give to someone who may or may not be receptive. And we dig into when to know whether to give it. I mean, I face this myself because a friend of mine's husband has very bad breath and I think maybe she's just used to it, maybe she doesn't realize it, but it's very persistent. I wish I could say something, but I will not.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And you'd be saying something not critically, but because you really want to help him. And also when you're around him, it would make it a much more pleasant experience for you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So that's the unsolicited advice I wish.

[Guest or Additional Host]

That I could give.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And we asked you, what's some advice you wish you could give someone that you think would really help? But for whatever reason you're holding back, here's how you responded. One of you wrote, I wish I could tell my friend how truly toxic her relationship is.

[Gretchen Rubin]

My newlywed cousin, do not get a dog together before having a baby.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I wish I could tell my friend that she talks too much.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Your job is slowly killing you. Your family is missing who you used to be.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's a very nice way of giving unsolicited advice. I think that's Very caring, very loving.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I wish I could kindly tell a colleague to speak less and listen more. Yeah. Coming from a place of kindness. But it's still hard to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. When I was training to be a therapist, one of our supervisors said, you have two ears and one mouth. There's a reason for that ratio. And I think we can all remember that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And related to that, one of you said how inconsiderate it is to only talk about themselves and not ask any questions.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, I think we're beginning to see a theme. Yes, a theme of talking too much about yourself, not listening. Someone else said, I wish my friend would take an anxiety screener. Oh, that's somebody wishing that somebody could get some help.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah. And that just shows a lot of times the unsolicited advice comes from a place of wanting to help and sometimes it comes from a place of wanting to control. And we have to see when that difference happens.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Is it judgmental or is it helpful?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Another one of you wrote, my friend's wardrobe makes her look frumpy and she's so beautiful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's hard to say.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That really is hard to say.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I wish I could tell my sister that she is not the expert on every topic or subject.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I think that happens with a lot of siblings. Another one of you said, I wish I could tell my mom to get her hair professionally cut and colored, similar to the other person who wanted to tell her friend that she's so beautiful but her wardrobe needs an upgrade.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Another I wish I could tell my mother in law that it hurts she never asks questions about my life again. That theme is coming up of wanting connection and someone not listening. Another one, I wish my friend was not always so negative and skeptical whenever we meet. It's a downer.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And there's a line between wanting to be real with somebody and wanting to be authentic versus always sort of complaining and being negative.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, the negativity bias means that we tend to naturally focus on the negative. And so sometimes you have to really make an effort not to get sucked into the negativity bias.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. A lot of people will kind of roll their eyes when you say, write down five things that you're grateful for, but it really help helps you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Another instead of deflecting when complimented, just own it and say thank you.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I agree with that. I think it's so hard for people to take compliments. A lot of times people will say, oh, no, I really don't look that way, or no, it was somebody else's idea or somebody else really helped me with that, which is kind, but be able to say thank you. Oh, and here's an interesting one. I wish I could tell my neighbor to leave her cheating husband. She's giving a lot of leeway.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, that you cannot say that one seems like something that you would not offer up that advice if you were not asked. For sure.

[Lori Gottlieb]

See, I disagree. If she doesn't know that her husband is cheating, I think she would want to know that. That's always a tough one. Like, do you tell someone if you know that their partner is being unfaithful? Are you the one to deliver that?

[Gretchen Rubin]

She said she's giving a lot of leeway, which suggests to me that she's letting a lot of things slide. Yeah. So that she does know, but we don't know. We need more information.

[Lori Gottlieb]

We do need more information. It's confounding to us when people are in situations that we think, well, I wouldn't stay in that situation. But again, this goes back to do you tell your friend that their partner isn't right for them? I think everybody has their own reasons for doing things that we find confusing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, and here's one with a much less fraught situation. I wish I could tell someone I vaguely know that the word enroll E N R O L L on his website is misspelled as enroll with only one L. I think just say that. I think that's the kind of unsolicited advice people want to hear.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, it's not personal, but it's actually helpful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then finally, I follow the work of the terrific writer Kate Bowler on Substack and in her Everything Happens newsletter. She just happened to post about this question and she wrote, here's what I would say if I were your friend and not afraid of hurting your feelings. Your life isn't inherently more meaningful if you're busy all the time.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Unsolicited advice can be so tricky. And so we want to hear more of your experiences because we also think we can learn a lot from what people wish they could tell other people. See, if any of that resonates with any of you, if any of you feel like you would like to be saying that, or maybe you feel like somebody would like to be saying that to you and how you might receive that and we might feature it on an upcoming episode.

[Gretchen Rubin]

But before we go, we have a quick recommendation to hold you over. I just recommended this excellent book to a friend because I think it's so great. And I think I've read this book three or four times. It is called Best Friends, Worst Enemies Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson. I think this is an excellent resource if you have a child who's having issues with friends.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And finally, here's a question we'll tackle in our next episode and we'd love for you to weigh in. This one's from Rebecca and since you asked, next episode we'll discuss your question. It goes like this. I have a very close knit family who communicate daily via a family text thread that includes my elderly parents, myself, my husband, my son, my sister and my brother. My sister lives near my elderly parents who are in poor health and she helps them a great deal with daily living tasks. I live about four hours away and visit monthly to help out as much as I can. My brother lives two days away and visits annually. The problem is that my sister's frustration with her unequal caregiving responsibilities is manifesting itself in some very judgmental comments on the family test texts. My husband, who also receives the text, has commented that he often feels uncomfortable with the tone of the text in the family chat. Recently, for instance, my sister texted to the entire family that she felt she was, quote, leaving behind small children, meaning her parents, when she went out of town on a much needed vacation. When I have privately commented on her unkind words, she says that she, quote, is just being honest and my brother and I, quote, need to learn to confront mom and dad like she does. How can I communicate to my sister that I appreciate all of her hard work for our parents while at the same time firmly telling her that her comments are hurtful? In other words, how can I establish better boundaries in the family chat?

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is such an interesting question. I cannot wait to see and hear from the since you Askers with their take. I have many thoughts.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I do too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that's it for today. Since youe Askers. We really want you to weigh in. You are a big part of this show. To get in touch, go To TheseInCeyou asked podcast.com follow us on each of our social media accounts or check the show notes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And if our discussions today have struck a chord with you, we'd love to hear how it was helpful for you or for someone in your life.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here. If you enjoyed today's show, please tell your friends. Word of mouth really does help people discover a new show and if you're.

[Podcast Narrator/Host]

So inclined, please take a moment to.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Rate or review the show. It really does make a huge difference.

[Guest or Additional Host]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing we may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.

[Gretchen Rubin]

From the onward project if you've been keeping up with the podcast, you know that last month Elizabeth and I went on our first ever reading retreat, which was amazing. It was so fun. Just eating, reading and sleeping all day every day. No sightseeing, no scheduling, no stress. And it got us thinking that you could really turn anything into a themed retreat. You could go biking, you could go hiking, you could do a board game retreat with friends, or a binge watching retreat. Whatever you're into, it's all about blocking out time and dedicating yourself to something you love.

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