Host (3:07)

But now she has more information about what she likes, what she values, and what resonates with her. So on this episode of Life Kit, what the hell? Shall we set some resolutions? Gretchen and I are going to talk about how to come up with goals for the new year that you're more likely to keep, how to reevaluate if you do fall away from them, and other ways you can design your year that don't fit neatly into the category of New Year's resolutions.

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Gretchen Rubin (4:13)

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Gretchen Rubin (5:00)

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Host (7:01)

What do you think are some of the qualities of a New Year's resolution that's a good fit for you?

Gretchen Rubin (7:07)

Well, I think a very key thing is to make it specific. And specific meaning at the end of the day when you're lying in bed, do you know if you kept your resolution or not? And so even things that sound specific sometimes are really too vague. Let's say you made a resolution to eat healthfully. That's really pretty vague. If you're in bed at night, you're like, well, maybe I had a healthy breakfast, but then my lunch was kind of healthy and kind of unhealthy. And then, gosh, I don't even remember what I ate after, you know, what I ate for dinner and then I had that big snack. So it's very confusing. But if you turned it into resolutions like I'm going to eat breakfast every morning, I'm going to pack a homemade lunch and bring it to work every day, I am never going to eat out of a vending machine. I'm going to learn to cook 10 healthy dinner recipes and make at least two of those recipes each week. Those are concrete enough and specific enough that you can say yes, I did it or no, I Didn't do it. And that makes it a lot easier to follow through because you know exactly what you're expecting from yourself. Something else might be you want to resolve to get more fun out of life. Well, what does that even mean? Like, how would you know whether you were getting more fun in life? So you might say something like, start a book group with my college friends every Sunday night. Rent a classic movie and watch it with my sweetheart. And there are a lot of ways that you could do it, but you want to frame it in a way where it's like, yes or no, did you do it or did you not do it? That makes it a lot easier to follow through.

Host (8:42)

Takeaway 1. When making resolutions, be specific. Ask yourself, will I know if I accomplish this? So it's not just get more exercise. It's go rock climbing once a week and cycling twice a week. On the flip side, what do you think are the signs that a resolution isn't right for you?

Gretchen Rubin (9:00)

There are the ones that you do because other people tell you that you should. My family keeps telling me, I've got to exercise. Yeah, I got to exercise. There's no sense of commitment there. There's no specificity there. There's no sense of a timeline or an approach there. It's just sort of a hand waving and a gesture. And the thing is, you're a grown up, you can do what you want. But if you say you're going to do something and then you don't follow through, well, that's a bad feeling that's making you feel like, well, look, I'm, I don't keep my promises to myself. So. So if you do say you're gonna do it, make a plan to do it. If you don't wanna do it, just admit to yourself that this is something that for whatever reason in this season of your life, you're not doing right now. So that's one sign. One sign is just sort of the kind of the hand waving. Another one is something that is so obviously impractical or impossible that it's not realistic to think that you could keep it. I'm going to write a novel in a year or I'm going to train for the marathon in six months. You know, if that kind of thing works for you, for most people, that kind of huge, bold, ambitious, objective isn't realistic.

Host (10:12)

I think you say it also helps to know why you're doing something right.

Gretchen Rubin (10:17)

Because it might be very different. Like, why would somebody exercise? Somebody might exercise because it gives them more energy. Somebody might exercise because it helps them sleep better. Somebody might exercise because they're like me and they're very restless, and so they can't sit down and work at a desk unless they get enough exercise to work off their jitteriness. If you know why you're doing something, it tends to help you stay with it.

Host (10:43)

Takeaway 2. Choose resolutions that reflect what you want. Don't just pick something because other people tell you it's important. Along those lines, consider why you want to do a particular thing. Why is this goal important to you? You know, there are these resolutions that come from a place of should. Like you mentioned exercise, because exercise is good for us and we should be doing it. You know, and that's. That's a really hard thing because if you don't know why you're doing it and you're not motivated and it's vague like that, you're unlikely to do it. But what about someone who says, I want to make a resolution around exercise because I know that it'll make me healthier, but how do you make that something that you actually want to do? And I'm thinking it's about drilling down, being specific, and maybe even, like, try out four different kinds of exercises here or something like that. Like, try rock climbing, try softball, try, I don't know, running.

Gretchen Rubin (11:44)

You know, you could do that. You could experiment to see what you enjoy. Here are some things that I think are probably more practical. One is pairing. Pairing is when you pair an activity that you should do or that you want to make yourself do with something that you really love to do or that you really have to do. So, say with exercise, maybe you love to listen to audiobooks or you have a favorite podcast. You could say, I only can listen to audiobooks, or I can only listen to my favorite podcast when I'm walking. If you want to listen to your favorite podcast, you have to be at your treadmill desk or you have to be walking. And so that's a way to make it more interesting, compelling to do that, or you do it with something that.

Host (12:24)

You have to do.

Gretchen Rubin (12:25)

When I was in college, I had a rule that I could only take a shower if I had exercised that day. So, you know, you can go a day and you can go two days without showering. But here I was in college, you know, I wasn't going to go three days without taking a shower, so I had to exercise if I wanted to take a shower. So you can find ways to pair it like that. Another thing I would say is a big group of people really needs outer accountability, even to meet an inner expectation. And if that describes you, then maybe you want to sign up for a class where they take attendance or where you're going to get charged if you don't show up. Or you're going to take your dog for a run, who's so disappointed if he doesn't get to go for a run. Or you work out with a friend who's going to be annoyed if you don't show up. On the other hand, some people don't need outer accountability, but they really thrive with spontaneity and variety. And if that's you, maybe you want to join a giant gym where one day you're doing yoga and one day you're doing cardio, and another day you're on the treadmill, and another day you're doing weights. Or you want to just be able to go at any time of day. Some people are, like me, creatures of habit, where I really like to do almost exactly the same thing day after day after day. And that's what works for me. And so a question to ask yourself is, when have I succeeded in the past? Is there a time when I did keep this resolution that I want to keep in the future? Was there a time when I was cooking at home a lot? Was there a time when I was exercising consistently? Was there a time when I was working on my novel month after month after month? Was there a time where I was meditating? You know, I really kept my streak going because a lot of times there are clues in the past about what made something work, and then we can recreate it in the present.

Host (14:09)

Takeaway 3. As you're coming up with resolutions, consider how you'll keep yourself on track. You might pair your goal with an activity you love doing. You might buddy up with someone and go to the gym at the same time. Consider when you've been consistent in the past, what were the conditions that made that possible? What kind of motivation do you need? Also, Gretchen says, with resolutions, focus on the behavior or habit itself, not the eventual outcome.

Gretchen Rubin (14:35)

The problem with an outcome is a lot of times we can't control an outcome. Like, I can't resolve to write a best seller. I can write a book. I can write the best book I possibly can, but I can't write a bestseller. And so something like get fluent in French. I mean, what is it to be fluent in French? What does that mean? Get good at guitar. It's like, set a goal where you know if you can reach it, where you're not just focused on an outcome that might be out of your control or really out of reach in some way.

Host (15:07)

So the guitar example, what would be a better way of phrasing that? Like, practice the guitar three times a week and play one show this year?

Gretchen Rubin (15:18)

Right, because practice three times a week. Did you do that? Yes or no? You know, if you did that, yes or no play in one show, you know, whether you're working towards that, you know whether you did that. And that way you'll have a feeling at the end of the year, like, wow, look what I accomplished. Whereas if it was get good at guitar, you might be like, well, well, I really didn't get as good as I wanted to be. You just wouldn't have that satisfaction of thinking like, oh, I'm really on track. And also, it makes it easier to see when you're not following through with it.

Host (15:46)

After the break, Gretchen explains how to stay on track with your goals. We're back with Life Kit, and I'm talking to Gretchen Rubin about New Year's resolutions. Tell me about your calendar of catalysts.

Gretchen Rubin (16:01)

Oh, I love a calendar of catalysts. Okay, so there's halfway day, that's July 2, usually. And so that's a good day to sort of say, okay, well, I wanted to get certain things going or certain things done in the year. Am I on track for that? Have I made any progress at all? Did I set myself up for success? That's a good check in. So there's the hundredth day of the year, and then there's the hundred day countdown of the year when there's 100 days left in the year. So these can be good catalysts. I think often people's own birthdays or important anniversaries and can act as a catalyst for change. In my family, my husband Jamie was miraculously cured of hepatitis C and he was declared cure on January 9, 2015. And so January 9 is like a day of celebration in my family. And it always kind of makes me think, okay, am I taking care of my health? What do I need to do? Do I need any checkups? Do I need vaccines? Do I need to get my teeth cleaned? So that's a personal date. So I think the calendar can be really, really helpful.

Host (17:03)

Okay, so you have one called determination day, which is February 28th. The thinking is that a lot of folks have abandoned their resolutions by then.

Gretchen Rubin (17:10)

So this is the day that you say, okay, I'm going to stay determined, I'm going to stay the course. And, you know, it's not discouragement day. It's Determination Day.

Host (17:20)

If you've already fallen off on your resolution like well before that, what do you do on Determination Day?

Gretchen Rubin (17:26)

So the fact that you're not keeping your resolution is valuable information. However you set it up is not working for you. So so one thing you could do is maybe you want to abandon that resolution. Maybe it's something that is just you thought you'd give it a try, but you're like me and keeping a gratitude journal is just something that is not a useful tool for you. So you might say, well, I'm just going to mindfully decide not to follow that resolution. That's fine. Or maybe you really do want to stick with that resolution and so you want to find ways to go about it in a different way. Thinking, okay, well maybe if I try this a different way, maybe I'll have better luck.

Host (18:04)

What are some ways to do that?

Gretchen Rubin (18:06)

So, for instance, you might experiment with day part. A lot of times people assume that we should do something at a certain part of the day when you could do it at any time of the day and you might find it easier at a different time of the day. This is particularly true of night people. They're their most energetic, creative, and productive later in the day. Maybe you're writing a novel in your free time and you've been trying to do it first thing in the morning and it's really hard for you. And well, maybe you would be better off doing it at 10pm or during your lunch hour. So sometimes just moving the time of day when you're trying to do something can make it easier. Maybe you've set a bar too high. Maybe you want to bring it lower. Like maybe you said that you wanted to run three miles every day. So okay, maybe it's going to be walk 20 minutes every day. Because research shows that if you walk 20 minutes a day, you're going to get a huge boost in health and you know, memory, mood, immune function, all these things. So sometimes experimenting with what you're doing, instead of saying like, oh, I have no willpower, I'm a failure. Why can't I keep my promises to myself? Just say, well, what I've been doing isn't working. Let me try some different ways.

Host (19:16)

Takeaway 4 Put some dates on your calendar to check in on your New Year's resolution. Maybe you borrow Gretchen's Holiday determination day on February 28th. And if you have fallen off your resolution by then, think about why. Is there a logistical reason? Maybe you should try going to the gym after work instead of first thing in the morning. Or maybe you just don't like this goal and don't care about it and you should drop it. And just like every goal is not for you, resolutions in the traditional sense may not be for you. Gretchen says there are other ways to think about designing your year. One is to pick a word or a phrase that you want to have as your theme.

Gretchen Rubin (19:55)

So, for instance, my sister Elizabeth, basically the word that she wanted was resilience. Like, she's a Hollywood writer. They're going through all these troubles. She wanted, like, stay with it and stay the course and stay optimistic and. But that's all kind of boring. So she thought of the word bounce, because bounce is like, bounce back, bounce ahead. There's just this energy to it. It's kind of a whimsical word. It just carried a lot more energy.

Host (20:22)

For her, I would say, looking back. And this was intentional, that this was a year about community for me and community building, which is a nice word, too, on its own, and it's working. But, like, what would be a more whimsical way of putting that or a more interesting way of putting it?

Gretchen Rubin (20:40)

Well, funnily enough, I think my word for the year to come is very related to yours, But I characterized it as neighborhood.

Host (20:50)

Yeah.

Gretchen Rubin (20:51)

So what is it to be a neighbor? What is it to create a neighborhood? You know? And then I was like, what is the symbol for that? I thought, well, maybe it's a welcome mat. Maybe it's a cup of sugar. Right. Because, like, what do you think of a neighbor? There's somebody where you give them a cup of sugar. That would be kind of a more unexpected articulation of that aim.

Host (21:12)

Okay. Another exercise you suggest is the annual list of stuff you want to get done this year.

Gretchen Rubin (21:18)

Yes.

Host (21:18)

25 things in 20. 25. And now it'll be 26 in 26.

Gretchen Rubin (21:23)

This is a fun exercise because it can be very creative. You can do it any way you want. You could. Well, 26 is the number of the letters in the Alphabet. So maybe you want to have 26 items, all of which, like, you incorporate the letter of the Alphabet. You know, that could be a fun way to do it. You might want to have categories where maybe some are work and friendship and fun and health. And so you divide it into categories like that. People who feel like, oh, maybe I've just been working so hard, I'm kind of burned out. Maybe it would only be 26 things that are fun because you want to make sure that you have enough fun in the year. Maybe there's one big thing that is looming in your life, like, maybe you need to switch careers. And that is just. There's so many moving parts to that, and it's so overwhelming that you're like, okay, every single thing on my 26 for 26 list, it's going to be related to that. I always think that it's fun to have some things that, like, you could do very quickly, like maybe 10 or 15 minutes, you know, to get something crossed off the list right away. And my 25 for 25 list, it was like, watch the movie Die Hard. Because I'm like, why do people always say Die Hard as a Christmas movie? I better watch it now. I know.

Host (22:34)

Takeaway.

Gretchen Rubin (22:34)

5.

Host (22:35)

If this sounds appealing, come up with a 26 and 26 list. You can list anything you'd like to do this year, big or small. Have fun with it. Assign a goal to every letter of the Alphabet, or list out 26 movies you want to see, 26 places you want to visit, from that new coffee shop in your neighborhood to your ancestral homeland. Also, if a 26 item to do list sounds daunting, you don't have to do this either. This is a choose your own adventure situation. And the choosing is about knowing who you are and what appeals to you. I remember in 2020, I said in January, okay, every month of this year, I'm gonna have a theme, and I map them all out. You know, one of them was create, and another one was connect, and another one was explore. And I'd make a list underneath that of all the ways I could do that and, you know, explore or adventure. I was thinking about traveling. Well, 2020, right?

Gretchen Rubin (23:26)

Yeah. Yes.

Host (23:27)

The pandemic happened very early in the year, so everything that I'd imagined for the year changed. And that happens a lot. So I just wonder how far ahead can we or should we even try to plan when we're thinking about a whole year of our lives?

Gretchen Rubin (23:44)

One thing is we cannot plan. Things come up all the time. The other one is we really benefit from planning. Plans are really helpful. So I think, you know, the fact that, well, maybe I'll get derailed from this. I don't think that that should stop us from setting out to do these things. We want to accept ourselves and also expect more from ourselves. And both are true. And I think sometimes we do have to accept ourselves. We have to show compassion to ourselves. We have to say, look, I'm going through this experience, and I just have to let some things go, because that is just what is needed here. You want to accept yourself in the situation you're in, but you also want to expect more from yourself and say, well, what are the ways that I can grow? How can I learn? How can I stretch? How can I help? How can I teach? And you know, in all seasons of life, it's not possible to do all things. But I do think it's worth reflecting on what is possible.

Host (24:47)

Gretchen, thank you so much and Happy New Year.

Gretchen Rubin (24:50)

Thank you. Happy New Year to you.

Host (24:53)

All right, it's time for a recap. Takeaway 1 When making resolutions, be specific. Ask yourself, will I know if I accomplish this? Takeaway 2 Choose resolutions that reflect what you want. Don't just pick something because other people tell you it's important. Takeaway 3 Consider how you'll keep yourself on track. You might pair your goal with an activity you love, or you might buddy up with somebody and go to the gym at the same time. Think about what kind of motivation you need. Takeaway 4 Put some dates on your calendar to check in on your New Year's resolutions. And if you've abandoned it by then, ask yourself, why? Is there a logistical reason? Or do you just not care about this goal? Takeaway 5 There are other ways to think about designing your year. One is to pick a word or a phrase that you want to have as your theme, and another is to come up with a 26 and 26 list. Remember, be creative, have fun, don't do anything you're not excited about, and Happy New Year.

Gretchen Rubin (25:53)

Foreign. I love talking with smart people about habits, happiness, and human nature. Thanks again to NPR for this great conversation. If you want to start designing your year, you can find my three favorite tools for shaping a successful year at happiercast.com designyouryear thanks for listening. Remember, the best time to start a happiness project was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. From the Onward project.

Craig Robinson and Michelle Obama (26:49)

Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here we host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you.

Gretchen Rubin (27:04)

You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes. What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of of major life transitions? Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you. Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective. So consider questions like this. What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me? Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else, but is not very important to me. If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose? And here's a question. Would I like to have more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends? You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier. With greater self knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values. In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition. For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson. Wherever your get podcast, you can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents and so many more.