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Happier with Gretchen Rubin
More Happier: Start and Stick to Anything using the Four Tendencies [Revisited]
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- [00:00]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Happier is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, Monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive.
- [00:14]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
And save hundreds because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.
- [00:39]
Elise
Lemonada.
- [00:44]
Gretchen Rubin
Hey everyone, it's Gretchen and Elizabeth.
- [00:46]
Elizabeth Craft
The episode that you're about to hear was recorded earlier, so we're jumping in now to say how horrified we are by everything that has been happening in Minnesota.
- [00:58]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
We're thinking about all the people there, particularly the families of Renee, Nicole Good and Alex Preddy and the others who've.
- [01:06]
Elise
Been killed by ice.
- [01:07]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
So we'll get into the regular episode.
- [01:09]
Elise
Now, but we just wanted to acknowledge what everyone is going through.
- [01:26]
Elizabeth Craft
Hello and welcome to More Happier, a podcast where we get happier. Today we're talking about one of the most challenging questions of human nature. Why is it so hard to get ourselves to do the things we want to do? For example, you may get frustrated because you can't get yourself to go to the gym. Your best friend goes consistently. Or maybe you make a to do list and then you end up refusing to do any of the items on the to do list. Or maybe you find it easy to keep promises to other people, but you struggle to keep your promises to yourself. In my years of thinking about happiness in human nature, I've realized that many of these issues come down to how we respond to expectations. That insight led to what I call my Four Tendencies framework. This is a personality framework that I came up with that explains a lot of these issues. If this framework is new to you, this episode will give you a clear introduction. And if you already know your tendency.
- [02:24]
Gretchen Rubin
If you're an upholder, obliger, rebel, or.
- [02:27]
Elizabeth Craft
Questioner, it's a good opportunity to review your tendency, especially as we head into the new year. First, I go over the basics. Then Elizabeth and I discuss listener questions, like how you can use your tendency to motivate yourself to exercise how we can recognize different tendencies in people and even TV characters, and one questioner's surprisingly effective trick for getting himself to follow through. Here it is.
- [02:54]
Gretchen Rubin
I got my first insight into the framework that became the Four Tendencies Framework in a very inconspicuous moment of my life. I was having lunch with a friend and as my sister Elizabeth Calls me I am a little bit of a happiness bully. So I was quizzing my friend about her happiness and her habits, and she said something that set my mind on fire. She said to me, well, the weird thing about me is I know I would be happier if I exercise regularly. And when I was in high school, I was on the track team, and I never missed track practice, so why can't I go running now? And I thought, well, why? It's the same person. It's the same behavior. At one time it was effortless. Now she can't do it. What's the explanation? And I became determined to solve the puzzle of how people sometimes could or couldn't make important changes in their life. But I couldn't really understand what was going on in this pattern and in other patterns that I saw.
- [03:50]
Jamie
Like all the people who objected to.
- [03:51]
Gretchen Rubin
New Year's resolutions because they thought that January 1st was an arbitrary date. I couldn't figure it out until I was looking at my to do list. One day I was sitting at my desk, and all of a sudden I realized that the key was the idea of expectations. That this was at the heart of all these patterns that I had noticed. And what I realized was that we all face two kinds of expectations. Outer expectations, expectations that others place on us, like a work deadline or a request from a friend. And inner expect, the expectations that we place on ourselves, like keeping a New Year's resolution or getting back into playing guitar. Depending on a person's response to expectations, we will fall into one of four distinct types. Upholders, questioners, obligers, and rebels. Upholders respond readily to both outer and inner expectations. They want to know what others expect from them. But their expectations for themselves are just as important. Next, questioners. Questioners question all expectations. They'll do something if they think it makes sense. They'll only meet an expectation if it's justified. So in a sense, they make everything an inner expectation, because if it meets their inner standard, they'll do it. If it fails their inner standard, they will object. They tend to dislike anything. Arbitrary, inefficient, irrational. Obligers readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectations. And this explains the mystery of my friend on the track team. When she had a team and a coach expecting her to show up, she had no trouble showing up for track practice. But when she was trying to go running on her own, she struggled. Then finally, rebels. Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do in their own way, in their own time they can do anything they want to do they can do anything they choose to do but if you ask or tell them to do something they're very likely to resist. Once I identified the four tendencies framework I decided to conduct a nationally representative sample study in order to learn more about the four tendencies and how many of each tendency is in the world. And what I found is that 41% of people are obligers. For both men and women, obliger is the largest tendency behind obliger at 24%. Questioners then the smallest tendency, it's a very conspicuous tendency but it is the smallest tendency is the rebel tendency at 17% and my tendency, the upholder tendency, is only slightly larger at 19%. So are the tendencies a product of nature or nurture? I believe that the four tendencies are hardwired. They're a part of our personality. This is something that we bring into the world. It's not a function of our generation or our birth order or what country we're born into or how we're raised. It's just a part of our personality. Now, I also believe that the four tendencies doesn't necessarily correspond with other personality frameworks. I love personality frameworks. I love reading them. But I think that each personality framework has its own nuance, its own vocabulary, its own powerful insight into human nature. And I think that you lose some of that nuance if you try to say that this equals that. I will say, however, one framework that it definitely does not correspond to is the houses of Hogwarts. People often argue to me that they figured out which tendency goes with which house of Hogwarts words. But I say to you three words Hermione, Fred and George. They are all clearly Gryffindor. They are all clearly not of the same tendency. One thing to keep in mind about the four tendencies is this defines a very, very narrow slice of your personality. Now, some personality frameworks try to paint a picture of sort of the whole person. This does not. We could line 50 questioners up in a row and depending on how ambitious they were, how considerate of other people's feelings they were, how analytical they were, how curious they were, how extroverted or introverted they were, how adventurous they were, million different things. These questionnaires would all look very different from each other.
- [07:50]
Jamie
But if you asked or told those.
- [07:53]
Gretchen Rubin
People to do something they would all respond exactly the same way. They would all say why should I? That is what makes a questioner is that when an expectation is placed on them their question is why should I? Other Things can be very different. That is what makes people of the same tendency. So why are the four tendencies important? Why do we even need to study them? Why do we care about identifying them? There are two reasons. First, we're much better able to understand ourselves. When we're feeling some kind of frustration, some kind of conflict, some kind of procrastination, we can be much more effective in figuring out what should we do differently, how can we tackle this problem? So our stress goes down, our burnout goes down, our sense of frustration with ourselves and our limitations goes down. Because we see a lot of possibilities about how we can change things for the better. We can figure out how to tweak situations to boost our chances of success. And just as we're better able to understand ourselves, we're also better able to understand other people. When we understand other people's tendencies, we're more tolerant and more compassionate of them. Because as an upholder, for instance, I now know that some things come pretty easily to me that don't come very easily to other people. And now I understand. It's not that I'm right and they're wrong, or they're right and I'm wrong. It's just that we have different ways of approaching things. And when we understand the tendencies, we don't take it personally. We can see like, well, you're behaving this way.
- [09:14]
Jamie
You're asking me question after question after question.
- [09:16]
Gretchen Rubin
I'm feeling drained. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling like you're questioning my authority. But wait, hold on. You're a questioner. You're not doing this just to me. This is the way you are with everybody in your life. I don't have to be angry at it. I just have to figure out, how do we create a situation where both of us can thrive?
- [09:41]
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- [10:02]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
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- [10:06]
Elizabeth Craft
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- [10:08]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
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- [10:20]
Elizabeth Craft
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- [10:22]
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- [10:45]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Worth of free gifts Happier is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive.
- [11:00]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
And save hundreds of because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.
- [11:24]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
We all have those nightmare scenario moments that make your heart race when you're lying in bed and realize you didn't lock the front door or you've left for the day and R.E.M. remember the stove is still on.
- [11:35]
Elise
Or even worse, you get home to.
- [11:37]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
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- [11:50]
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- [12:08]
Gretchen Rubin
On your home from virtually anywhere so.
- [12:10]
Elizabeth Craft
You can rest easy knowing that everything's okay. ADT helps make sure your home is a haven, not another thing to worry about. When every second Counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADTASAP to learn more.
- [12:28]
Gretchen Rubin
So what's the connection between happiness and understanding your tendency? I've spent years studying happiness, good habits and human nature, and it has become obvious to me that there's no magic, one size fits all solution for building a happier, healthier, more productive, more creative life. The happiest people aren't from a particular tendency. They're the people who understand themselves and build a life that works for them with wisdom, experience and self knowledge. From the four tendencies, we can use our time more productively, make better decisions, suffer less stress and burnout, get healthier and engage more effectively with other people. If we don't Understand our place in the four tendencies. We may fail to pinpoint the aspects of a particular situation that's causing us to succeed or fail. For instance, I often talk to obligers who think that they just need to get more motivated, so they try to whip themselves into a frenzy of conviction when what they really need is accountability. If you're an obliger who keeps thinking I love to read, I really need to make reading more of a priority in my life. Don't worry about making reading a priority in your life. Join a book group or tell your child that you're going to read all the books assigned that year in your child's English class. The accountability is what's going to allow you to follow through. The Four Tendencies framework is meant to help us understand ourselves more deeply, not limit our sense of identity or possibility. Some people say when you define yourself, you confine yourself. However, I think that systems of self definition are really helpful because they give us a vocabulary, they serve as a starting point for self knowledge, and they give us a way to talk to each other in a clear, succinct way. This framework isn't a set of labels that determines everything about us. And it's not a justification to say.
- [14:16]
Jamie
Well, what do you expect?
- [14:17]
Gretchen Rubin
This is just the way I am. Rather, it's a spotlight that can illuminate hidden aspects of our nature. Everyone does fit into a single core tendency. You're not really a true mix of two tendencies, but you can tip in one direction or another. For example, an obliger may tip to an upholder, or an obliger may tip to revel. Now that you know a little bit about the four tendencies, you may have some questions. And these are the questions that I most often ask. And it's important to get clear on these questions to understand these key principles about the four tendencies. Because when people have a misunderstanding of their tendency, they often want to jump to conclusions that might be misleading. And then that makes it more difficult to use the tendencies effectively. So you really want to get it clear in your mind. The first question I'm often asked is, is it possible to observe someone else's tendency from the outside? Really, to judge someone's tendency, you have to understand the way people someone thinks. Now sometimes you might know someone really well, like a spouse or a sibling or a very close friend, or you may have read many, many interviews of a well known person and you may be able to understand the way that person thinks. They may have said enough that reveals their thought process, but don't always Assume that you can tell from the way the people behave. And don't assume that the tendencies always look the same way from person to person. For instance, one obliger could say things like, oh, you know, I really need to learn more self care. I need to learn to take time for myself. I need to make myself a priority. That's an obliger. Another obliger might say, I'm a workaholic. I give everything to my clients. I'm there 110%. There's no time for me to exercise. They're both obligers. They sound very different from each other, but they're both expressing obliger tendency. Another common question is, is there a way that I can determine someone else's tendency if I want to figure it out? Now, as I said, to judge someone's tendency, you have to understand the way the person thinks. However, there are certain tells, certain patterns that tend to very strongly suggest that someone belongs to a particular tendency. For instance, questioners tend to object often and vociferously to things that are arbitrary. This really bugs questioners. Rebels, by contrast, often talk about spontaneity and freedom. That comes up in conversation a lot with them. For instance, you can ask how someone feels about New Year's resolutions as a way to quickly identify their tendencies. Upholders often will say that they make and keep New Year's resolutions a lot. They tend to like them.
- [16:51]
Jamie
Questioners typically say something like, I make.
- [16:53]
Gretchen Rubin
A resolution when it makes sense to me. I would not wait for January 1st because January 1st is an arbitrary date. Obligers will often say that they've given up making New Year's resolutions because they've tried and failed so often in the past. And rebels will either say that they love making a resolution because they love to challenge themselves, or they'll say they would never make a resolution because they would never want to chain themselves in advance. So another question is, can you identify a child's tendency? Now, for some children, it's very apparent very early, at like age 3 or 4 what their tendency is. But for many children, it's very hard to tell what their tendency is because children aren't autonomous the way adults are. It's hard to tell until they're out on their own. But by adulthood, we all do fit within one particular tendency that shapes our perceptions and behaviors in fundamental ways. Another common question is, can we change our tendency? The fact is, can we change our inborn nature? Probably not. Or if we were to try to change our inborn nature, it would be Very, very difficult. And overwhelmingly, unless we go through some catastrophic character reshaping experience, something like a near death experience, a grave illness, a serious bout with addiction, a medication that fundamentally alters the way our nature is expressed, our tendencies don't change. We are who we are. Now, of course, depending on history and circumstance, our tendency might be more or less helpful as we make our way in the world. And our history and circumstance might shape the way we express our tendency. For example, someone in North Korea who's a questioner, well, those questions might get him thrown in jail. While in Silicon Valley, a questioner's question might win her promotion. Sometimes people wish they belong to a different tendency and they want to change. The fact is, it's very difficult, if it's even possible, to change our inborn nature. But it's fairly easy to change our circumstances. So if an obliger wishes he acted more like an upholder, the answer isn't to try to change the tendency from obliger to upholder, but rather to create the structures of outer accountability that will allow that obliger to meet inner expectations just like an upholder. Change circumstances, not yourself. A related question. Are the tendencies a product of nature or nurture? I really believe our tendencies are hardwired. They're not the result of parenting style, birth order, religious upbringing, gender generation, country of origin. They're not tied to extraversion or introversion. They don't change whether we're at home, at work, with friends, and they don't change as we age. These are tendencies that we bring into the world with us. Now, people often ask whether you can be a mix of tendencies. And people often argue that they are a mix of tendencies. They'll tell me, well, I'm an obliger mixed with an upholder, or my tendency changes depending on where I am or who I'm with. In my observation, not really. People do fall within a core tendency. So if a person says they're a mix of an obliger and upholder, think about it. That means they're an obliger. Nevertheless, people often do tip in the direction of a tendency that overlaps with their own tendency. So, for instance, I'm an upholder, and upholders can tip to questioner. They overlap with questioner in that both upholders and questioners readily respond to inner expectations. Upholders also can tip to obliger because obligers and upholders both readily meet outer expectations. I'm still located firmly within a core tendency, but the way that I tip is going to shape the way that my tendency is expressed. A questioner who tips to rebel is going to be a very different person from a questioner who tips to a polder. Both are questioners. But the overlapping tendency will shape that core tendency and the way that it's expressed. And of course, it's also true that no matter what our fundamental tendency, a small part of each of us is upholder, is questioner, is obliger, is rebel. All of us meet an expectation when we don't want to. Rather than bear the consequences of ignoring it. All of us may question why we should have to meet an expectation, or become annoyed by inefficiency, or refuse to do something that seems arbitrary. And we'll all meet expectations because they're important to someone else, even if it means the sacrifice of our own aims. And whatever our tendency, we share a desire for autonomy. Now, people often say to me, well, which tendency is the happiest tendency? Which is the healthiest? Who's the most productive, who's the most creative? And here's the thing. There is no one best tendency when you look to see who's the happiest, the healthiest, the most productive and the most creative. It's the people who have figured out how to harness the strength and power of the upside of their tendency. And also how to account for the limitations and weaknesses of their tendency. By figuring out how to exploit their tendency to their benefit and how to offset the limitations, they are able to take the steps to create the life they want. But we have to do that in the way that's right for for us. People often assume that the people of a certain tendency look a lot like each other. They're very much alike, and that you can make a lot of assumptions. Like all rebels are creative, all obligers are people pleasers. All upholders are type A, all questioners are scientists, are journalists. But no, the four tendencies describe just a very narrow aspect of a person's nature. It's important, but it's limited. And there's an enormous range of personalities even among people who share the same tendencies, regardless of tendency. Some people are more or less thoughtful of other people's feelings, or they're more or less ambitious or intellectual, analytical, controlling, charismatic, kind, anxious, energetic or adventurous. These qualities dramatically influence how they express their tendencies. An ambitious rebel who wants to be a well respected business leader and a helpful family member will behave very differently from a rebel who doesn't care very much about having a successful career or other people's convenience. Remember, the difference among the tendencies is why People act or why they don't act. It's how they respond to expectations. It's not love of research that makes you a questioner. People are questioners. If someone asks or tells them to do something, their first thought is, why should I? Similarly, a delight in doing things for other people doesn't make you an obliger. Refusing to follow the rules doesn't make you a rebel. It's how and why you respond to expectations.
- [23:42]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
Okay, now that you know more about.
- [23:44]
Elizabeth Craft
The four tendencies, let's move into real life. Elizabeth and I hear from so many listeners about how this plays out day to day. And in this next part, we walk through their questions and what has helped them.
- [23:57]
Elise
Michelle's says, how can a rebel lose weight? All I do is rebel against myself. Even though I know what to do, I keep resisting myself. Now, this is a classic rebel problem.
- [24:09]
Jamie
This is a classic, classic rebel challenge.
- [24:13]
Guest or Additional Host
And I have to say, I've spoken.
- [24:15]
Jamie
To so many rebels about this because it comes up in so many contexts. I want to quit smoking.
- [24:19]
Gretchen Rubin
I want to write every single day.
- [24:21]
Jamie
I want to finish my PhD thesis.
- [24:22]
Guest or Additional Host
I want to go, you know, I want to regularly run.
- [24:25]
Jamie
How do they get themselves to do.
- [24:27]
Guest or Additional Host
Something if no one can tell them what to do, not even themselves?
- [24:30]
Jamie
So this is a very common challenge. And here's a bunch of solutions that rebels have come up with. One is one of the core values of rebel is identity.
- [24:40]
Guest or Additional Host
So you think about your identity.
- [24:42]
Jamie
So you're not doing this for any.
- [24:44]
Guest or Additional Host
Reason other than you're a healthy person.
- [24:47]
Gretchen Rubin
Or you're a person who loves fresh.
- [24:49]
Guest or Additional Host
Unprocessed food, or you like everything just the way you want it. You're doing it because it's your identity to be that way. Also, I talked to a rebel who thought about freedom. For rebels, freedom and choice is very important. And so she said, I realized, you know, I'm not traveling the way I like to. I don't feel free to travel because it's really uncomfortable for me to, like, get on an airplane or like, walk up and down the steps of a bus. I don't feel as free as I want to, and I can't move around the way I want to. So she tied it to this idea of freedom. Another one is individuality. A lot of times rebels like to do things in their own way.
- [25:28]
Gretchen Rubin
And so, like, I have a friend, I. I'm a very, very low carb eater. And I like doing that as sort of an upholder because I like just.
- [25:34]
Jamie
Executing on that way of eating. But I have a Friend who's a rebel. And he does it because he's like.
- [25:38]
Gretchen Rubin
Everybody says, how can you quit sugar?
- [25:41]
Jamie
Yeah, nobody can do that. And so he's like, oh, you know, it's like, I've got to do it my way. Another thing is not feeling controlled. So it's sort of like this idea that, like, big food companies can't push.
- [25:53]
Gretchen Rubin
My buttons with their campaigns and their.
- [25:55]
Jamie
Crinkly packages and their bright colors. They can't get in my head and make me do what they want, which is like, to go out and buy that food. One of the funniest ones, I thought, this is hilarious. One rebel said to me that every single morning, she eats one piece of candy. Because it's like, it's so obviously not what you're supposed to do to eat candy first thing in the morning. She's like, as long as I've shown myself, I'm free to do whatever I want. Then the rest of the day, I'm like, I choose to eat healthfully because that's what I want. But nobody's making me do it because here I am eating candy in the morning.
- [26:29]
Elise
Yeah. It seems like Michelle just needs to let go of the notion this is something she should do and more just grab this is who she is or something she wants to do. Try to mentally take the obligation out of it.
- [26:43]
Jamie
Absolutely. The final thing I would say is challenge. Sometimes rebels, like, it's a challenge like, I'll show you. You don't think I could do this for 365 days or kind of a challenge like that? And one thing to remember is if the people around you are trying to encourage you or remind you or nudge you, you might tell them, hey, step back. Because those kinds of messages can ignite.
- [27:03]
Gretchen Rubin
The spirit of resistance in a rebel.
- [27:05]
Jamie
So you want to make sure that.
- [27:06]
Gretchen Rubin
You'Re doing this because this is what.
- [27:08]
Jamie
You want, this is what you choose, and you're not getting interference from anybody else. So good luck.
- [27:14]
Elise
Yes. Good luck, Michelle. All right, Gretch, you and I talk about how easy it is sometimes to spot the four tendencies. Yes. We both love Mad Men after I made you watch it. We are great Game of Thrones fans, and you can spot the tendencies in both of those shows.
- [27:33]
Jamie
Yeah, absolutely. And if you want to go through each character, I'll post a link in the episode notes to the bonus episodes.
- [27:40]
Gretchen Rubin
One that we did on Mad Men.
- [27:41]
Jamie
One that we did on Game of Thrones. And I also have done a couple of roundups because I just do love spotting the tendencies so I'll post links to those too if you want to. Just see if you agree or look for yourself. I have this new and improved Four Tendencies hub, so I'll post a link to that. But if you see new ones, because I'm constantly adding to my list, put it on social media with tendency spotting because I love getting new additions to my great compendium of tendencies.
- [28:14]
Elise
Yeah, it's so fun. All right, Gretch, let me ask you this. If you had to pick one thing, what do you think is the most valuable aspect, or let's say insight you've gotten from the four tendencies?
- [28:26]
Jamie
If I had to pick one thing, I think it's that obligers need outer accountability to meet inner expectations. So it's like if you want to read more, it's not that you need to make time for self care, reassess your priorities, or learn to put yourself first. It's really just like join a book group or whatever. There's so many ways to create outer accountability once you know that's what you need. And that seems to be the thing that works for obligers. Yeah.
- [28:53]
Elise
And obligers, we should mention, is the biggest group.
- [28:56]
Jamie
Yes.
- [28:57]
Elizabeth Craft
Right.
- [28:57]
Elise
So that impacts the most people. I mean, I put this to use today, Gretchen. I wanted to hike this morning and I knew there's no way I would do it unless I had a friend. So I put out the call last night. I got someone who said, if you go at 7:15, I'll go. And I said, oh, okay, I'll go at 7:15. And we went. And sure enough, I woke up in the morning and I thought, why did I do this? This is horrendous.
- [29:24]
Jamie
I want to sleep.
- [29:25]
Elise
I don't want to go. Yeah. And I thought, well, she's planning on it, so I better show up. And I went and had a nice hike. So, you know, just today I used the Four tendencies.
- [29:36]
Jamie
But see, and knowing that you need that outer accountability, because otherwise you might have thought there's just so many ways to interpret it.
- [29:42]
Elise
Yes. No, I wouldn't have gone through that step. I would have just said, oh, I'll get up in the morning and go hiking and listen to a podcast.
- [29:48]
Guest or Additional Host
Right?
- [29:48]
Jamie
It'll be easier at 8am I'll have more energy. And then related to that is obliger rebellion, which is when obligers meet meet meet expectations and then suddenly they snap and either they won't do something little and kind of funny, or it's something huge like I'm quitting my job or Getting a divorce or ending a 20 year friendship. I mean, we've talked about Obliger rebellion a lot. It's a big subject. I think that's been really helpful for a lot of people because it can feel very mysterious. Where did this come from? I feel like I'm acting out of character. I don't understand why I make one comment and this person refuses to speak to me. It doesn't make any sense. It's like, ooh. But if you understand oblige of rebellion. And it does make sense. And so I feel like that's really helpful.
- [30:32]
Elise
And Gretchen, we heard from so many people about how the four tendencies had improved their lives.
- [30:37]
Elizabeth Craft
Yeah.
- [30:38]
Elise
Here's what Shereen said. As an upholder, it has helped me become more empathetic toward others. I have stopped judging people who can't just do what they say they want to do even though it's important to them. I now know how to communicate better with other tendencies by aligning my conversations in a way that works with their tendency to. That I've guessed through observation. This has been so important in my marriage to an Obliger. I used to think that he thought of others above me until I realized I was an extension of self. Yes, I could ask for things in a way that stressed the importance to me rather than seeing him go above and beyond for other people and reasons I could not understand. Most importantly, learning my tendency has allowed me to stop and ask why I'm doing something and live life more intentionally. It's so easy for me to internalize other people's expectations and live by them without consciously knowing it. The framework has honestly changed my life. So much for the better.
- [31:34]
Guest or Additional Host
I mean, this so resonated with me as an upholder.
- [31:37]
Elise
Yes.
- [31:37]
Guest or Additional Host
I have to say this was funny with Kelly.
- [31:40]
Elizabeth Craft
She's like in a group where they.
- [31:42]
Guest or Additional Host
Talk about it, which I get the.
- [31:43]
Jamie
Biggest kick out of it.
- [31:44]
Guest or Additional Host
She said I'm an obliger and have a monthly dinner group with two other obligers. Our three husbands are all questioners, so we commiserate and come up with techniques of how to deal with them. Many times we tell our husbands that they only get to ask a certain number of questions or that we would appreciate an answer to our question before they reply with another question. Well, this goes back to our thing about questioners don't like to answer questions. We've also worked on rewording our questions to them. Instead of saying can you buy some milk? We now say can you stop at the grocery store tonight? We are completely out of milk and I need it for a recipe tomorrow that helps the questioner husband understand the reason why we need them to stop. Tonight, when I'm researching something new to both my husband and me, I've learned to include my source links for articles I've read about how I came to those choices. We just finished a house remodel with many decisions on purchases. In choosing a ceiling fan, I listed which features were most important and a few links then gave my husband a top three and we decided together. I'm married to a question myself. I get it, I get it, I get it.
- [32:46]
Elise
Carla says I'm a cybersecurity professor and I have my students take the four Tendencies course quiz so that I can provide more evidence for questioners and calm down when they seem to be challenging things and more support for obligers. I am a rebel and I tell fellow rebels they will have to use identity if taking the class was their idea to begin with, or consequences if it was forced upon them. Sometimes people need the degree because of others. The upholders just do the thing, but are pretty rare. Most students enjoy the insight.
- [33:18]
Guest or Additional Host
Well, that's so great. It's so gratifying to me to hear about people putting these into action and finding benefits from it. I heard of families doing it at Thanksgiving dinner. It's like a family exercise.
- [33:28]
Elise
Well, and we've heard of many doctors.
- [33:30]
Guest or Additional Host
Gretchen, who use many doctors. Many doctors, physical therapists, nurses, nutritionists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and speaking of that, as I said, I had this great new hub@gretchenrubin.com fourtendencies and there are articles and PDF downloads there about using it at work, using the framework in healthcare, using it with children, with sweethearts. There are interviews there if you want to hear from. I've been interested in how much people like to hear interviews with somebody of a particular tendency. And then of course, if you want to change a habit, there's information there.
- [34:04]
Elise
Yes. All right, coming up, we have a four Tendencies hack. But first, this Break.
- [34:18]
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- [35:23]
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- [35:59]
Elise
We are back with this week's Happiness hack. And it's a four tendencies hack.
- [36:03]
Jamie
Yeah, so many, many people have asked me for like a flash evaluation. They want to know someone' tendency, but they either don't feel comfortable asking them to take the quiz or the people.
- [36:15]
Gretchen Rubin
Refuse to take the quiz.
- [36:17]
Jamie
For example, questioners are like, why should I waste my time taking some quiz?
- [36:20]
Gretchen Rubin
Or rebels are like, I'm not going.
- [36:21]
Jamie
To take a quiz just because you tell me to. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't. And then sometimes it's just not polite. You can't just march over to somebody and be like, hey, would you take this quick.
- [36:30]
Elise
Really wondering why you act the way you act, please.
- [36:34]
Jamie
Right, right. Or you're on a date or you're at a cocktail party or something. So people have said, is there a quick, informal method? So there's a whole flash evaluation again on that hub that I was just talking about. So if you want the whole thing, you can get the PDF there. But here I'll just mention two of, I think the most helpful questions. And what you got to keep in mind is that you're not looking for a specific answer. Though there are a few words that are often like really strong signals. You're trying to listen for their rationale. How are they thinking about this question? Because you can listen for their justifications and their arguments. Then you will start to see the tendency. You see how they're thinking about the question. But I will say, because the tendencies overlap, sometimes people of two tendencies might answer the same way. That's why you often need to ask a couple of questions. So that you can really get it down from that 2. It's pretty easy usually to narrow it down to 2. It's harder to do for 4. Also, if you're trying to figure out someone's tendency just on the numbers basis, the biggest tendency is obliger. The second biggest tendency is questioner. So if you're thinking questioner or obliger, that's kind of where the numbers fall. So that's also something to think about.
- [37:46]
Elise
So what are the questions that you ask?
- [37:48]
Jamie
Okay, so the first question and the wording is important, right?
- [37:53]
Gretchen Rubin
I've worked very carefully on the wording.
- [37:55]
Jamie
It's how do you feel about New Year's resolutions? It's not, do you keep New Year's resolutions? It's how do you feel about New Year's resolutions? Because upholders will express a lot of enjoyment. They like them. Maybe they make resolutions at other times, but they kind of like the idea of New Year's resolutions. They'll be positive. Questioners might say that they make resolutions, but they will often say things like, January 1st is an arbitrary date, or, it wouldn't be efficient for me to wait until a specific day to start my resolutions. So they're talking about justifications and like things not being arbitrary. Obligers will often say they don't like the idea of New Year's resolutions, that they feel discouraged. They might often say things like, I used to make them, but I don't anymore because I've so often let myself down. Or if they say they do keep them, they might say, well, but.
- [38:47]
Guest or Additional Host
But often I can't keep them.
- [38:49]
Gretchen Rubin
So they have a very sort of.
- [38:50]
Jamie
Ambivalent or negative feeling about New Year's resolutions. And then rebels are just like, yeah, I don't do that.
- [38:55]
Elise
Yeah.
- [38:56]
Jamie
Unless they do it in sort of a challenge.
- [38:58]
Guest or Additional Host
Like, somebody thought I couldn't go an entire year without drinking alcohol, and I said, I'll show.
- [39:02]
Jamie
So that is kind of like a rebel way of thinking about it. There's a very strong challenge, a very strong I'll show you. But in general, rebels find it fun or they enjoy the challenge. But typically they don't make those kinds of resolutions because they don't bind themselves. Yeah.
- [39:17]
Elise
They don't want to be confined by a resolution.
- [39:19]
Jamie
Right. They want to be spontaneous. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it.
- [39:23]
Elise
And Gretch, give us an example of one of the other questions.
- [39:26]
Jamie
Okay, this one's kind of funny. So you say to the person, imagine you and I are in a coffee Shop and there's no one around, and we're sort of in the back room and there's a sign on the wall that says no cell phones. And I pull out my cell phone.
- [39:39]
Gretchen Rubin
And I start using it.
- [39:40]
Jamie
How would you feel about that? So upholders would be like, I would feel very uncomfortable. They don't like that there's a sign you're doing it, don't do it. Questioners would sort of analyze it.
- [39:52]
Gretchen Rubin
They'd be like, well, does it make sense?
- [39:54]
Jamie
Is there any reason? Like, if we were in a hospital and it would interfere with equipment, that.
- [39:58]
Gretchen Rubin
Would be one thing.
- [39:58]
Jamie
But if you' rule just doesn't make any sense where there's no harm, I wouldn't bother them to see somebody breaking that rule. So it's all about like, well, what's the justification for the rule? Obligers might say they'd feel uncomfortable, but they might point to sort of others like, well, other people get annoyed if you're in a coffee shop on your cell phone or somebody might reprimand you for using a phone when it's against the rule. So it's like those outer expectations have to be taken into consideration. And rebels would be like, oh, they don't care.
- [40:28]
Gretchen Rubin
They don't care.
- [40:29]
Jamie
If you want to use your phone, use your phone. They might even get a kick out of you breaking the rule. But they certainly would have no objection to use it. The fact that there's a sign on the wall for something like that, no, they don't care.
- [40:39]
Elise
Yeah, I would say for me, an obliger for sure. I'd be like, oh, I'm going to get in trouble. That 100%, I would be worried about getting in trouble. So I fall into this.
- [40:49]
Jamie
And as an upholder, I'm like, even if I knew I weren't going to get in trouble, it would just bother me.
- [40:53]
Elise
Totally.
- [40:54]
Jamie
There's a rule here. So again, if you want the whole evaluation, you can go to gretchenrubin.com fourtendencies and it's on the Hub.
- [41:01]
Gretchen Rubin
And Elizabeth, we got a great four.
- [41:03]
Jamie
Tendencies tip from the listener, Joe, and he said that he's a questioner who tips to rebel, but maybe he's actually a rebel.
- [41:10]
Gretchen Rubin
Let's see.
- [41:11]
Elise
He says, I'm a longtime reader, listener and follower of yours. I'm a questioner who tips to rebel and have been noticing what strategies I can suggest successfully employ to get myself to do things, especially things I don't really want to do. One, do something at the quote, wrong time. I often resist doing something at the appropriate or expected time and can end up doing it at the last minute, which isn't ideal for obvious reasons. If I do something extremely preemptively, it somehow seems very subversive and satisfying. Other times, I might do something optional at the wrong or unexpected time, like cleaning the bathroom just before bed bed when others in the family are relaxing. Love it. 2. Mise en place I tell myself I don't have to do X. I'm not actually doing X. I'm just assembling the items for when I decide to do X. This reduces friction and makes it seem more doable. And before I know it, I have finished the task. 3. What I don't Want to Happen A light bulb went off when I reread the Happiness project and got to the part of your definition about reducing drags on your happiness. If I keep in mind how much I hate certain things happening, I will work really hard to avoid them. For example, like certain people, I really hate being woken up by an alarm, so I try to make sure I go to bed at such a time that I wake up early without an alarm.
- [42:39]
Jamie
Yeah, I think these are great ideas. Whether you're a question or rebel or anybody, I think this is really, really helpful. The thing that makes me feel that this person is a rebel is that rebels often will do something at kind of the wrong time and drive by hacking. If you are in work or in life partnered with a rebel, if they're starting to do something, never say to them like, oh, this isn't the best time for that. It'll be better to wait for tomorrow. It'd be more efficient to do another time. Let them do things in their own time. Never tell them to wait for a better time because if they're choosing to do it now, step out of the way.
- [43:11]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
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- [43:12]
Elise
I love the idea of cleaning the bathroom before bed. There's just something funny about it.
- [43:17]
Gretchen Rubin
It is.
- [43:17]
Jamie
Well, maybe it's also that kind of gamification that kills people as well. And Elizabeth Demerit and gold stars. This is an even numbered episode, which is your demerit.
- [43:27]
Elise
Yes. Okay, so this is probably some sort of Obliger demerit. Gretch, it is the beginning of the school year, and my demerit is that I have not put all the important school dates on the calendar and I have not signed up for the new lunch program. And I did manage to get Jack's book because they said if you don't, they'll sell out. But it's those beginning of year things That I just feel overwhelmed by, and I know life will be better if I put them in the calendar, but I haven't.
- [44:03]
Jamie
But I think if there's that outer accountability where they were like, if your child is not signed up for the new lunch program, your child will go hungry on Thursday. It's like, you would do it in a flash.
- [44:12]
Elise
Yes. But it really. Instead it's. If you want it, because they can bring their lunch, so, you know, it's not really necessary anyway. Yes. I need someone to say that, and then I will do it immediately.
- [44:25]
Jamie
Well, I think we've all done it. Like, the start of school, there's so much. There's so much paperwork and busy work. Like you, your child's other parent, everybody's taking bits and pieces of it, and there's still all this stuff that just. It's a lot to get done to.
- [44:36]
Gretchen Rubin
Start the school year.
- [44:37]
Jamie
So.
- [44:38]
Guest or Additional Host
Yes.
- [44:39]
Elise
And it is my arena. This is what I've taken on. So I don't feel like I could say, hey, Adam put all these things in the calendar.
- [44:46]
Guest or Additional Host
Right.
- [44:46]
Jamie
Well, like, he does the uniforms. Yeah.
- [44:48]
Elise
Yes, yes.
- [44:50]
Elizabeth Craft
Same thing.
- [44:50]
Jamie
Jamie and I. It's like he does his things and I do my things.
- [44:53]
Elise
And yes, yes, Adam has done his part, which has got us a closet full of new uniforms. But I am lacking Gretch, so hopefully this will create some kind of feeling of accountability, and I will put those dates in the calendar and sign up for all the many things I need to sign up for. But what about you, Gretch? What is your gold star this week?
- [45:13]
Jamie
I'm giving a gold star to you because you are, like. You have become, like, a Four Tendencies out expert. I've heard you talking about it. I'm like, dang, she knows her stuff. I couldn't have given a better answer myself. You, in many ways, are the willing accomplice to so many of my, like.
- [45:32]
Gretchen Rubin
Little experiments and frameworks.
- [45:34]
Jamie
And, you know, I'm constantly testing things out on you.
- [45:37]
Gretchen Rubin
Remember the whole.
- [45:38]
Jamie
When I was going through the whole.
- [45:39]
Gretchen Rubin
Abstainer moderator thing, I made.
- [45:41]
Jamie
You have so many conversations with me.
- [45:43]
Guest or Additional Host
About that, and now you.
- [45:45]
Jamie
I just feel like you are a true Four Tendencies expert.
- [45:49]
Guest or Additional Host
Oh, wow.
- [45:50]
Jamie
Thank you for your interest and your enthusiasm and for your expertise.
- [45:54]
Elise
Well, I love the Four Tendencies.
- [45:56]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
They work.
- [45:57]
Elise
Yep.
- [46:00]
Elizabeth Craft
As you think about this episode, the big takeaway is this. When something keeps not working, it may not be a matter of effort or discipline. There's nothing wrong with.
- [46:10]
Guest or Additional Host
With you.
- [46:10]
Elizabeth Craft
It may be that it's just the way you respond to expectations that's why we'll be spending the next few months exploring the four tendencies in more depth and looking at how they apply to everyday life, from habits to relationships to work and more. If you want to go deeper right now, I've also created a LinkedIn learning course that focuses on using the four tendencies at work. It's about making follow through easier and reducing friction with other people. Whether you work on your own or you work with a team, you can learn more at LinkedIn FourTendencies. If this episode raised questions or helped.
- [46:46]
Guest or Additional Host
Something, click for you.
- [46:47]
Elizabeth Craft
We would love to hear from you. Send us a note@podcastretchenrubin.com and we may feature it in an upcoming episode. Thanks for listening.
- [46:56]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
And remember, the best time to start.
- [46:58]
Elizabeth Craft
A happiness project was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
- [47:21]
Gretchen Rubin
From the onward Project.
- [47:26]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Happier is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, Monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive.
- [47:39]
Progressive Insurance Announcer 2
And save hundreds because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.