77: The REAL Reason Your Boyfriend Won't Commit (Q&A)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Happy Wife Happy Life

Episode 77: The REAL Reason Your Boyfriend Won't Commit (Q&A)

Hosts: Kendahl Landreth & Jordan Myrick
Date: August 18, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively Q&A episode, comedians Kendahl and Jordan field listener relationship questions with their trademark wit and authenticity. The main theme revolves around why partners hesitate to commit, communicating needs in relationships, navigating polyamory, and the meaning (and myths) around marriage. Along the way, they riff on viral relationship news and share personal stories, blending humor and candid advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Viral Infidelity and Iconic Responses

[00:22–11:08]

• Topic: A CEO caught cheating at a Coldplay concert becomes the "Love Screw Up of the Week."
• Discussion of the viral moment, speculation about the people involved, and especially—the wife’s widely-shared statement.
• Quote:

  "Let me be perfectly clear. I am not issuing this statement in defense, nor in heartbreak. I’m using it in power, in precision, in silk gloves and sharpened witness... I am not spiraling. I am ascending." – Kendahl reading CEO’s wife's statement [05:00]

• Kendahl and Jordan dissect the statement, praising its poise and savagery:

  “Is that not maybe the most chilling, iconic statement you’ve ever heard?” – Kendahl [06:48]

• They discuss the PR around public scandal, the gendered expectations of forgiveness, and the emotional toll on the family, including the children.
• Memorable Moment:
  Jordan jokes about wanting to read a novel by the CEO’s wife or her PR team [07:00].

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2. Navigating Friendship with a Throuple

[11:08–17:24]

• Listener Question: A listener feels replaced by her two best friends now dating a third person.
• Insight:
  • Polyamorous relationships require a redistribution of social energy:

    “When your friends get a third, you do see them less. You get a third—you have to get a third.” – Kendahl [12:44]

  • A throuple, like any new relationship, may result in friends becoming temporarily less available; this can also happen when friends have a new child.
  • Advice: Allow the phase to pass, but communicate your feelings honestly—once:

    “You get one conversation. You say, ‘Hey, I really feel like you’re not putting time into our friendship...’ Then give them a couple opportunities to step up. If they don’t, start spending time with other friends.” – Jordan [15:00]

  • Relationships ebb and flow, and sometimes it’s best to be patient and open about hurt without belaboring the point.

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3. Encouraging a Partner’s Self-Care Without Judgment

[18:43–24:56]

• Listener Q: How can I help my nonbinary partner prioritize their mental and physical health without sounding judgy?
• Advice:
  • Address the bigger pattern of self-care, not just gym habits.
  • Be honest and explicit, not passive-aggressive:

    “Sit down and be like, ‘Hey, you’ve stopped moving your body, taking care of your skin, responding to texts… Feels like something’s going on.’” – Jordan [21:02]

  • Discuss mutual responsibilities in long-term partnerships:

    “Whatever I don’t take care of, you’re going to be taking care of later. I owe you to take care of myself.” – Kendahl [21:49]

  • Lowering expectations and missing self-imposed goals may harm long-term self-confidence:

    “Every time I tell myself I’m going to do something and I don’t do it, my confidence lowers a little bit.” – Kendahl [23:15]

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4. Teen Crushes & Queer Uncertainty

[26:17–29:46]

• Listener Q: Should a 17-year-old girl confess feelings to her 19-year-old neighbor, who has a boyfriend?
• Hosts’ Take:
  • Most 19-year-olds don’t “just kiss” for fun; odds are, feelings are reciprocated.
  • Caution about dating someone in the closet—likely to end in heartbreak:

    “I don’t think it’s going to end. I think they will have a wife one day. Don’t think it will be you.” – Kendahl [28:24]

  • Affirming that while it's sweet and exciting, it’s probably not lasting love:

    “This is not the love of your life.” – Jordan [28:32]

  • Side tangent on kids’ books brings levity to the topic.

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5. Why Won’t My Boyfriend Commit?

[38:24–44:56]

• Listener Q: After four months, boyfriend resists labels, hasn't told his family, and avoids traditional “dating” behaviors. Red flag?
• Hosts’ Analysis:
  • Multiple red flags:
    • Avoidance of labels (“labels are for kids”) is manipulative, especially in adult relationships.

    “Putting a label on your relationship is for kids? Sorry. Then why can’t children get married?” – Jordan [42:05]

    • Not introducing to family, not going out, all suggest a lack of commitment.
    • Gestures like Facetiming nightly take time but aren’t necessarily meaningful commitment.

    “I believe that this person likes you. I don’t believe this person wants to be in a relationship.” – Jordan [43:06]

  • Advice: A partner who deflects labels and milestones likely isn’t ready for a real relationship.

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6. Is Marriage Misogynistic, or Is He Avoiding Commitment?

[44:56–52:19]

• Listener Q: Lifelong religious woman wants to marry her partner of nine years; he refuses, saying marriage is misogynistic.
• Hosts’ Perspective:
  • They call out the “feminist” stance as a possible cover for avoidance:

    “If I hear one more man tell me he’s not getting married because it’s misogynistic, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.” – Kendahl [45:30] “If your partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with… it’s important to them. Why would it not be important to you?” – Kendahl [46:52]

    • They challenge partners to offer real alternatives (e.g., legal, financial protections) if they refuse marriage.
    • Most real-world reasons for marriage are practical (healthcare, legal rights), not just romantic.

    “Everything in the entire world has a background of being bad… marriage now has a utilitarian purpose.” – Jordan [48:23]

    • If your dreams for partnership “fundamentally mismatch” (one wants marriage, other refuses), it’s likely a dealbreaker.

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Notable Quotes (by Timestamp)

• On viral infidelity:
  “I am not issuing this statement in defense, nor in heartbreak. I’m using it in power, in precision, in silk gloves and sharpened witness…” – CEO’s wife, read by Kendahl [05:00]
• On polyamory and time:
  “You get a third—you have to get a third. And you get a third of the time.” – Kendahl [12:44]
• On relationship labels:
  “Putting a label on your relationship is for kids? Sorry. Then why can’t children get married?” – Jordan [42:05]
• On self-care's effect on relationships: “Whatever I don’t take care of, you’re going to be taking care of later.” – Kendahl [21:49]
• On marriage ‘feminism’:
  "If I hear one more man tell me he’s not getting married because it’s misogynistic, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.” – Kendahl [45:30]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:22–07:00: Dissecting viral CEO cheating scandal and wife’s iconic response
• 11:08–17:24: On losing friends’ attention to a new throuple
• 18:43–24:56: How to encourage partner’s self-care without judgment
• 26:17–29:46: Teenage lesbian crush & neighbor drama
• 38:24–44:56: Why won’t my boyfriend commit? Relationship (non-)labels
• 44:56–52:19: Is refusing marriage “feminist,” or just avoidance?
• Throughout: Side tangents bring humor and warmth to heavier topics

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Tone & Approach

• The conversation is direct, irreverent, and emotionally honest—mixing humor with real empathy.
• Kendahl and Jordan unashamedly share personal anecdotes and cultural commentary, creating a supportive space while also calling out avoidance, manipulation, and performative “feminism.”

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For Listeners

• If you’re struggling with commitment issues, communication lapses, polyamory complexities, or negotiating different values in your relationship, this episode provides both validation and practical scripts, all with a comedic twist.
• Listener call to action: Write in with your own relationship questions—or, if you want a new “third,” consider how much time you can truly give to your friends!

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Welcome to Happy Wife, Happy Life.

[A]

We're your hosts. I'm KendallAndrin.

[B]

And I'm Jordan Myron.

[A]

And we are two incredibly unqualified but.

[B]

Deeply in love comedians who are here to help you with all things relationships. And on today, we're doing a Q A. Hi, Ken.

[A]

Hi, George.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

I'm good. How are you?

[B]

I'm good.

[A]

Good.

[B]

I'm excited for Q and A. I feel like, boop. I feel like that's one of our favorite episodes because people always send kind of the most ludicrous things.

[A]

They really do. I received some hilarious emails that I, I. And I've said this before, but in the middle of the night, I'll get an email that's like cheated on by nine people. Help me.

[B]

Help now.

[A]

Yeah, help now. It's always very urgent. Always like, sure, we got to film a Q and A. We got to film a Q A. But how's your week been?

[B]

It's been good. It's. No, it's been kind of bad, but it's been fine. It's with you, so it's been great.

[A]

Oh, I love that. Well, no matter how bad our week has been, there's always someone whose week has been worse. Yeah.

[B]

And who's our love screw up of the week?

[A]

Love screw up of the week is that CEO at the Coldplay concert? Sure.

[B]

And Kendall's really excited because apparently his wife made a statement and I haven't seen it yet, sort of, because.

[A]

So if you don't know, which I'm sure you do, it's old news. But the, the CEO of this huge company was put on.

[B]

Who was the company? What kind of company is it? Do you know?

[A]

He's really like a, like a big guy CEO.

[B]

He's a huge guy.

[A]

He's a big guy.

[B]

He's like super cool. Just kidding.

[A]

But he is like a. He's like a for real CEO, because I know some people like a CEO and then it's like a CEO of like, a small local dog food brand.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure.

[A]

He's a. He's really rich. And he was caught on the Coldplay fan cam, whatever you call it, and he was with a woman. He's having an affair sure. So then they hide. They like hide their faces. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then of course, the wife has made a response.

[B]

But can I say when I saw it, it felt like he hit immediately and she was kind of like, oh my God.

[A]

Yeah. Because what is fakes for her? I don't know.

[B]

I don't know if she's married or not.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Was it a dual affair?

[A]

I don't know. Either way, I think she's probably kind of. I mean, he's so rich. I don't know her position. I could have done more research, to be honest.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Before we started this episode and he didn'. But in my head I'm like. She's like, well, here's my two cases scenario. I cheat on my husband and we stay together. Or he divorces me and I date this millionaire billionaire. Maybe. I don't even know.

[B]

What if the billionaire doesn't want to be. They always go back to their wife.

[A]

You know, always go, I feel back.

[B]

To their rival, but I just want true. They almost always go back to their wife.

[A]

Not this one. Because it's not an option, honey.

[B]

Okay, I can't wait to this. But I also do want to say there's a girl going viral online that is. I don't know if she actually is, but she's claiming to be his daughter.

[A]

I saw this. And people.

[B]

She's like dancing on a.

[A]

On a yacht. Yeah, it's a yacht. It's not a boat.

[B]

Okay, It's a yacht.

[A]

And people are like, basically she's posting being like, everyone's being so mean to me. This is not what she said. But her energy is kind of like everyone's being so mean to me. Even though, like, this is a really hard situation for anyone.

[B]

I don't think that's how it started though. I started you. I know you hate to do this, but I think you're wrong because I feel like she posted a joke thing like, that was so normal. And then people are like, how dare you be sad about the fact that your dad cheated on your mom. And now their public affair is this big, like, funny, haha global moment because you're rich. And I think that feels very unrelated.

[A]

Too because it's like imagine, okay, Imagine if you found out your parents had an affair. Also, she's pretty young, right? She's not like an adult adult. I don't think she seems younger.

[B]

She's not like 40 at the very least. No, she's like.

[A]

But it's like you find out Your parents had an affair. And then someone's like, well, do you want to go on a yacht? I mean, you might say, yes. You might be like, that will lessen the blow. But you're not like, yeah, like, I don't. It just has nothing to do with the other.

[B]

Like, it's that it's so, like, personal. You can still be sad just because you're rich.

[A]

Especially watching your parents go through something. Yeah, parents being sad is always, like, really, really tough. Anyways, the woman. And I need to say it again. I don't know anything about any of these people. I've done hardly any research. This came up on my for you page and I wrote the first paragraph and I said, she should be an author. Okay, our next Glennon Doyle.

[B]

Okay, let me see it.

[A]

She said, it has come to my attention, and apparently to the attention of half the Internet, that my husband, Andrew Byro Byron, has made first and last. Andrew Byron has made certain dot, dot, dot choices under stadium lights during a Coldplay concert. A venue not typically associated with infidelity. But here we are. Let me be perfectly clear. I am not issuing this statement in defense, nor in heartbreak. I'm using it in power, in precision, in silk gloves and sharpened witness. I will not be engaging in performative forgiveness, nor am I interested in the optics of grace. What Andy has done is. It's so embarrassing to cheat on your wife and your name be Andy.

[B]

True.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

True.

[A]

That's not giving a person who cheats.

[B]

On their wife your kids names in a smart way because one day they're going to grow up and cheat on their wife and their name is going to be Andy. Not smart.

[A]

She's not a bad name. But it's just not a person who cheats on their wife. That is a family guy's name.

[B]

The child's name.

[A]

It's. Yeah, yeah. It's a kid in Toy Story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What Andy has done is not just humiliating, it's banal. What is that?

[B]

Banal?

[A]

It's banal. What is that? I'll say it again.

[B]

So the exact definition is lacking in originality as to be obvious or boring. So basically she's being like, I'm over it. So funny to say that.

[A]

Cheating, it's like it's been done, honey. Yeah. It's not new. Okay, this makes more sense. Banal or banal?

[B]

Banal. Banal.

[A]

What Andy has done is not just humiliating, it's banal. Common. A man of ambition brought down by his own astonishing lack of imagination. I have Retained counsel. I have reviewed holdings. I have reallocated what was once ours into what is now very cleanly mine. I am not spiraling. I am ascending. And while Andy may have, quote, quoted Coldplay in his statement, I will simply say, when the lights went out, I saw everything clearly. To those who expect tears, I don't cry for clowns. I schedule, I document, I rebuild. This is not revenge, it's refinement. And he will feel it in the silence that follows.

[B]

She had the locks to their house changed the moment she got a whiff of this. The moment.

[A]

Is that not maybe the most chilling, iconic statement you've ever heard? I would read it. A novel by this woman or this woman's PR person.

[B]

Yeah, whoever.

[A]

This woman's attorney, whoever wrote this, give them a book deal. Because I, as a very, like, not well read woman, am dying at this.

[B]

Yeah, I love. Feels like. What was his statement?

[A]

I have no idea. But it feels like to me, when Glennon Doyle said, like, women are tigers at a zoo, and every woman was like, what? That's what it feels like. Every sentence. I was just like, wow, you really hit me with that one.

[B]

Yeah, I'm ascending. What he said. New astronomer CEO describes unusual and surreal attention from Coldplay Kiss cam scandal.

[A]

He.

[B]

Okay, so somebody else stepped into his role after he resigned following the circulation of the viral moment at a Coldplay concert. He was replaced by someone much younger than him. I'll say that. How does it feel? How does it feel? Where is the guy? What is his statement?

[A]

Do you think she was expecting this? This seems like a woman. He's expecting this.

[B]

I think that she had probably had an idea. I don't know. I'm just like. I guess some people are really mischievous. I don't know what to call it, like, and do bad stuff, but I'm like, part of me kind of feels like. You kind of know if, like, I feel like anytime that I've had a partner who was a piece of shit, I, like, knew. I kind of knew. Deep down.

[A]

You know what I mean? But sometimes, too, I'm like, when you're that, like. I mean, they've had kids together, they're like in. I don't know how old they are, but I'm going to assume, like, in their 50s, you might not just. You might just be like, today's not the day I want to find out I'm getting cheated on. Like, I could see that just being like, okay, he's going to be late home from work. He's going to be there till 10pm could I maybe take this night and go see if he was cheating on me? That he. He might be and probably is.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Or I could get a glass of wine and read my book. And maybe tomorrow's the day I go find out if my husband's cheating on me. But once I find out my husband's cheating on me, I have to be having meetings, I have to be calling people. I have to sell our house. I have to find. It's like so much work.

[B]

A lot of work. And I would be like, you're doing all of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're selling our house and you're buying me.

[A]

But you also don't want that because then he's going to be in control and he's going to figure out how to. In this man would figure out how to weasel his way into getting.

[B]

See, I don't think so. I think this man is so stupid. I think this man is so unbelievably stupid. It's so funny, the lead singer of Coldplay being like they're just either really shy or they're having an affair, which is so crazy.

[A]

And you couldn't hear it because the volume was down. But on that statement, someone had put Viva la vida over it, which really makes it hit even harder.

[B]

Yeah. Also like, she's like laughing when they find out. I don't know. It's just very strange.

[A]

Well, you probably in the moment don't think it's going to be.

[B]

You're shocked.

[A]

Well, yeah. But you also don't think it's going to be this. It's like how many people are gonna. I honestly don't know. If they hadn't hidden, I don't even know if anyone would have ever found out. It's like if you're on a jumbotron at a thing, most of the time it just goes away. And then it's like no one cares, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so what we do know is that the woman and her ex husband filed for divorce in 2018, which was finalized in 2020.

[A]

The woman he had an affair with.

[B]

Yes. And then Andy and his wife purchased a home together in 2024.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Yoinks.

[A]

Well, glad we're not in that relationship.

[B]

Truly.

[A]

Although I'm glad we're not gonna ascend, as she said.

[B]

She's definitely gonna ascend. And if she wants to lez out, let us know.

[A]

Get it. Let's get her on the pod.

[B]

God, get her on the pod. Yeah. What's her name? Kristen. I think her Name's Kristen.

[A]

I don't know, I always find it a little annoying when people snap at people, but I could foresee myself doing that. Everything she said, if she come on her pod, I would say snap.

[B]

Yeah, I love that.

[A]

Well, let's get into the Q and.

[B]

A. I know we're all juiced up. Let's give some good advice. Two of my closest friends have been dating for a little bit over three years. Recently, both of my friends told me they had asked a new friend if they wanted to have a threesome. Not a new concept for them as we have all previously experimented. I don't live in the same town as them all the time because I'm in university. So when they came to visit me, they filled me in on what had been going on with them as a throuple. Going on dates and talking about deeper feelings, not just sex. So now they were more committed as a throuple. Since then, the details of their situation have become quite messy from my perspective. I have no issue with what they're doing as long as they are happy, safe and consenting. For the record, I really like their third as a person and as a friend. So he is not my issue. My issue is that I feel replaced. My two basically best friends seem to be blowing me off to spend time with their third a lot. I have barely seen or spoken to them since I've come home from uni, and I haven't even had one on one conversations or hung out with them either. I find myself getting frustrated when they say they're busy with a date night, as if they don't work with their third and see him every day. I know it's not a date situation, but compared to how little effort they have made to see me, it hurts. I have no idea how to say this to them without it seeming like I'm shaming them for their situation, even though I do get a little uncomfortable with how every conversation I have with them is about their third. Please help me. I'm not polyphobic, I promise.

[A]

This is what's hard. When your friends get a third, you do see them less. You get a third, you have to get a third.

[B]

And you get a third of the time.

[A]

When you're a friend, yes, but when you have friends who get a third, think of how much time one partner takes. And this is why I've always been like, do I see pros to polyamory? I do. I don't have the goddamn time. And when you're talking about date nights. Yeah, because they're going on date nights as a throuple. But then they all probably have their own little date nights. Oh, well, we have to go on our individual date night and we have to go on our individual. Then we have to go on a date night by ourselves so that we connect with ourselves and be. So we're not. There's so many date nights that have to happen. It's kind of like, I don't know. If my friend had a second child, I wouldn't be like, where are you? Because I'd be like, well, they're so busy with their second child. And I do feel like having a third sometimes can be like that because it's like, where does the time. We all have the same 24 hours in a day.

[B]

It's like nutri.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

It's like nurturing a new baby.

[A]

It. Well, yes, and I feel like that probably is true because especially if you've already had a partner for a long time, then you do have to put a lot of effort into, like, making sure the third feels well welcomed and making sure the third feels like. And I have no idea. I've done absolutely zero research on polyamory, but that's what I. From watching poly family and seeking sister wives. That's what I gather. And so I think it is a lot. And I think. I don't know, I think it's one of those things where sometimes you just have to. You have to dive in with your other friends and then eventually similar to how when your friend gets in a new relationship. I feel like a lot of times when your friend gets a new relationship, they spend less time with you because they're all up in their partner's business. And sometimes you're just like, let me give it a couple months. Like, I'll see them less. They'll be just like, absolutely codependent with their partner. And then they'll come out of that and they'll be hopefully back to normal a little bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think sometimes with a third, it can be like that. I don't know. I have had friends who get. Have thirds and they are more busy because they have another person they're having to like, dedicate so much time to.

[B]

Yeah, I think I agree with everything you said, first of all. But also, I'm just like, in my opinion, when you have a problem with a friend like this, doing something with like a new relationship or whatever, I think you have to let it happen for a little bit. And when you're really fed up with it, you have to have one conversation with them, but you really only just get one, in my opinion. I'm like, you can't just keep belaboring the point because they either are so deep in the relationship, they can't focus on the friendship right now, or maybe they don't care about you as much as you care about them. Or maybe they're in a bad relationship situation. They love you so much, but they just need to, like, work through this themselves, like, whatever it is. I think you get one conversation, you say, hey, I really feel like you're not putting time into our friendship. I understand that you have a new partner. I totally get that. But it does hurt me that you don't make more of an effort to spend time with me, especially a best friend. And then I think you give them a couple opportunities to step up. And if they don't, I think you start spending time with other friends. Unfortunately, I think it is very similar to dating. And even with one of my best friends, at one point, I was like, I don't like the way you're maneuvering through this relationship. I gotta take a step back. So I took a little step back, and now we're closer than ever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I think it's like, sometimes you have to give people that space to grow and change. You'll either reconnect or you'll be able to move on. They'll be able to move on, and everything will be for the better. That's what I think.

[A]

Yeah. But I think it really is. Like, I think a lot of people, because, listen, I can be sold on pretty much anything. My mom used to always say I was a retailer's dream.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So when I've had people who are polyamorous sit me down and say, here's the pros, I leave there going, okay, well, I hear that. I actually do understand that. But I think it. When they exp. When they say to me, well, who decided you have won? Who decided you get one person? I think it feels the same to me as if someone was like, well, why just be a comedian? Why don't you also be a pilot?

[B]

Yeah. Like, who said just one? And I said, the damn clock.

[A]

Right. That's how I feel. I'm like, yeah, it'd be cool. I also, like, I think all the time, I'm like, oh, would it. Would it be nice to be a mom? Would it be nice to be a teacher? Would it be nice to be a horseback riding instructor?

[B]

What if we had six dogs? What if we had six dogs?

[A]

I could Always want more, and there's always more things I could do. But I'm like, do I think I would be fulfilled in different ways, that being a comedian doesn't fulfill me with other careers? 100. I don't have the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm envious of. But I'm like, time. We all have the same hours in the day. Time doesn't come from anywhere. So I do think. If you're in a poly relationship, comment down below if you agree. If you're in a poly relationship, you feel like this is true, or if you feel like it's not true. But you do have to cut other things out of your life. You can't have four partners and be like, I do everything. Everything everyone else does. Yeah.

[B]

You pick up a new hobby, you pick up a new job, you pick up a new partner, you have a new kid. Whatever it is, something else has got to go. Like you said, you only got 24 hours. So I think that, yeah, you gotta. You gotta. But you also can't withhold your feelings.

[A]

No, this is not an excuse. Also, I'm not saying. So let. That if your friends are poly, let them walk all over you. Yes.

[B]

Be honest about your feelings. But I think sometimes, and I've made this mistake before of being like. And I'm gonna belabor my feelings again and again and again. And it's like, it just was more stressful to me. It clearly wasn't like working on the other person. You gotta just step away.

[A]

But, you know, we go through phases with friends. I feel like, where it's like sometimes you'll, you know, you'll. You'll have a certain friend who you don't get to see that often because they live far away, and then they move closer, and then you get to hang out with them all the time. And it's like, oh, my God, this is great. And then they maybe have a kid, and then you're like, oh, we see them more. Maybe we see them more now because we're helping with the kid, or we see them less because they're really busy or whatever it is. But things ebb and flow. And so I think sometimes just like, letting. Not for your sake, not being like, whatever our friendship is right now is what it's going to be like. This third just changed everything. It's like, no, the relationship just might be different because they're going through a transition in their life, and you just kind of have to, like, wait that out. But also share how you're feeling.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. But don't freak.

[A]

Calm down.

[B]

I agree. All right, on to the next question. My partner, non binary, and I, female, have been together for almost two years. They used to work out when we first started dating and now they never do. I don't care about the changes to their body, but I do care about their lack of self care. And they also have a lot of mental health issues, which I know exercise could help tremendously with. And it's, it seems to trigger them. Anytime I try to gently suggest they could go for a walk or to the gym, it feels like they always have an excuse as to why they can't work out. And it's frustrating because it feels like it's a larger symptom of them not caring for their needs. How do I encourage them to be active without it sounding judgy or condescending?

[A]

That's a great question.

[B]

I think something that's really helpful is that if you feel like this is speaking to a larger thing of them not taking care of themselves as a whole, I, I would point to some of those other things first because exercise and body image can be such a sensitive subject. So I would, I would maybe be like, hey, I feel like, you know, you used to do this whole skincare routine and now I feel like, you know, you don't do any of it. Or I feel like you used to wake up every morning, you really looked forward to making yourself breakfast. You never eat breakfast anymore. If it's really like an overarching issue, them not going to the gym is not going to be the only place where they're experiencing a lack of self care, especially if it's a mental health issue. So I would say maybe point to some of those that feel less triggering and upsetting first and then I think you can work up to the exercise thing. I also think another route you could go is just to like, sit down and have a frank conversation. Sometimes I think that it's very easy to be like, I'm being helpful by being gentle and being like, hey, Queen, you and me, let's go. Why don't we just like go for like a girl boss walk around town and your partner's just like, this feels so passive aggressive and weird versus like sitting down and being like, hey, you've stopped moving your body, you've stopped taking care of your skin, you've stopped responding to text messages. Feels like maybe something's going on. Yep, I want to talk to you about that y and come from like an obvious place of care because I think if you just launch right in of like you never go to the gym anymore. I think it's not going to work. That's my two cents.

[A]

Well, yeah, but I also think, and I totally agree with everything you said. I think though there is this like, like when they said, okay, there's always an excuse. And I am like, you simply need to move your body if you're able to, like, if you. It is important for your health. And like, I think we've talked about this before but like we both prioritize health so much because I am like, I'm. We're clocking in for the rest of our lives. Yeah. Like we. It is to me. I owe you to take care of myself and vice versa and my health the best I can. Especially because I'm already like struggle with health stuff in general. I really prioritize going to the gym. I really prioritize eating healthy because I am like, we are going to be together forever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so that is a lot trying to like put on you well. But also it's like, whatever I don't take care of, you're going to be taken care of later. You know what I mean?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And so I think there is something, I think something very problematic which tbh I'm not educated enough to speak on. So I will lightly and vaguely. But I just. My first opinion is like, there is something very problematic about associating exercise with, you know, like social constructs of weight and all of that type of thing. It's not confusing why that is or why that's triggering. Yeah, I've definitely been triggered by that. Of course not confusing at all. But it's like, you gotta move your body. It's really good for you. It famously makes you feel better. I go to the gym a lot because it helps my adhd. But I do think sometimes you do need a swift kick in the ass because I think it, like you said, it's really easy to be like, hey, girl, like, I wanna whatever. But sometimes you need for your partner to hear like, you're hurting me by not doing this.

[B]

Yeah. The passive aggressiveness is. You're not trying to be passive aggressive, you're trying to be gentle. But I think passive aggressiveness can really.

[A]

And your partner not showing up for themselves can really be hard on you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We both know it's like if your partner's continually not. Not showing up for themselves, someone has to be like, hey, this is not a good situation.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

And I said this a while ago and I do really think it's true, but I was saying to you in Guatemala, I was like, every time I tell myself I'm gonna do something and I don't do it, like, my confidence lowers a little bit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, when I tell myself, okay, I'm gonna do, like, I'm gonna do 20 minutes on the ellipticals, I don't know. And then I only do 10, even though that's great. If I'd said I'm only going to do three, and I did three, that make me feel great. But not doing what I said lowers my confidence. And I think when you continue to make excuses, no matter what it is, then I would be like, just take the gym off the table for a little bit because. And let them show up in other ways. Because every time you say you're going to do something and you make an excuse, you know, don't do it, your partner eventually is going to have such low confidence, and it's not a good situation.

[B]

Yeah. And I think you're 100. Right. I've been having a really hard time with, like, getting a routine going and, like, start, like, you know, I'm doing the routine things that I've always done, but there's a couple new things I would like to add to my routine, and I just can't get them to stick. And Kendall's been like, you have to be reasonable to yourself with what you say you're gonna do. Because sometimes I'll make a to do list of like, 900 things, and then I'll only complete a hundred of them. And instead of being like, Whoa, I did 100 things, I'm like, said I was gonna do 900, but I only did a hundred. So, like, now I'm like a failure. That. That is not setting yourself up for success, but also making a to do list. And then, like, not finishing it is also, like, not a not setting yourself up for success. So you have to be more, like, thoughtful about it. And I think that's very true.

[A]

Yeah. Because I think that's why sometimes, like, I. I truly will if I have a really busy day, But I'm like, okay, I should try to get exercise, for example, in today. Like, I'm gonna walk around the block.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I check that off my to do list, I'm like, I'm killing it. Rather than if I just did that regular, I'd be like, okay, I did kind of a half assed workout. But if you say you're gonna do something, do it. So I do think they're also say, I think there is a place for this conversation. And there needs to be a conversation. But I do think you're right to maybe not jump into the deep end right away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because are probably already feeling a little bit of self frustration.

[B]

But also replace exercise with anything else too. And like think of how you would talk about other things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like replace it. Yeah. If this person was like never drinking water.

[A]

Oh my God. You know, like someone I know.

[B]

Like someone I know.

[A]

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[B]

Because butts deserve better. Hi, I just want some advice I hoped you can give me. So I'm female 17. Okay. I don't know if you're allowed to listen to this podcast and I really like my neighbor, female 19 and she has a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure she likes me too. Should I tell her? Also, when I say pretty sure, I mean we have kissed once, but I don't know if she thought it was just playing around.

[A]

19 year olds don't, in my experience.

[B]

Don'T play like that.

[A]

They don't play like that. Also, this sounds like the plot of a 90s rom com. How a neighbor a crush on your neighbor with a boyfriend.

[B]

Come on. I think it's so hard because I'm like, what kind of teens are you? Are you like really progressive cool, Like Gen Z teens where you're so like hip with it. Because then I'm like, I don't know, maybe she did just kiss you and think it was a joke. But if you're like, I think it takes a lot. Like, are you both in the closet? I think if you're both in the closet, what's the scenario where you kissed? Yeah, I'm like, if you're both in the closet and you kissed, she definitely likes you. But if you're both like, we're cool pansexual gender non conforming teens, because you're like Gen Z and you have all this like, freedom that I didn't have when I was your age. Like then, then it's harder to speak to. But I'm like, if somebody kisses you, that's probably a good sign. So I would just say, hey, I know you got a boyfriend, but I got a little crush on you. Because you also don't say your friends. You say my neighbor. So I'm like, I know that.

[A]

I'm like, when did they kiss? Yeah. Scenario.

[B]

I mean, don't tell us because you're 17 and we can't be having that kind of information.

[A]

No, I don't want to. Don't tell us any more information than I have.

[B]

This is all the information we can.

[A]

And we're not telling you to do anything and your parents listening. We are not saying anything.

[B]

And if your parents are homophobic, we're really sorry and.

[A]

Right. And also if your parents listening, we're not. We're friends. Me and Jordan are friends.

[B]

We're friends with each other.

[A]

Yeah. No, I also am like, I don't know though. I, I don't know if dating someone with. That's why I need to know if they're closeted. Dating someone with a boyfriend is never a really good idea. And honestly, if they are closeted and they have a boyfriend, I do think ultimately your heart's going to be broken.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I don't think it's going to end. I think they will have a wife one day. Don't think it will be you. And that is going to be hard for you to watch on Instagram.

[B]

This is not the love of your life. I'll say that. No. But it's very sweet. Confident. It's very sweet. But I will confidently right now say that this is not the love of your life.

[A]

Maybe a fun makeout. I'm like, you guys could have a really fun, A really good summer.

[B]

A really good summer. Summer. You could have a really good summer.

[A]

I really have a picture in my mind. I've like, set this where Ramona and Beesus live. You know what I mean?

[B]

No.

[A]

Did you never read Ramona and Bessus?

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

Oh, I'll have to show you. Well, in the movie, they live in just the most picturesque.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Little suburban town. Well, they were evicted, though, because it was a recession.

[B]

Not Beezus.

[A]

Beezus, played by Selena Gomez.

[B]

Selena Gomez is Beezus.

[A]

And Ramona Quimby is played by Joey King. And it is cute.

[B]

I thought it was about two sisters. An older sister and a younger sister. And the younger sister was Beavis. Wait, what's her name?

[A]

You're thinking of Beavis and Butt.

[B]

Right? Two sisters. And the younger one.

[A]

No, Mona is the younger one, which is funny because Beevis is a funny name. So you think she's the funny character. But. But her name is Beatrice, and Ramona calls her Beezus. And she's like, oh, my God, stop calling me that.

[B]

Oh, I see. Okay. Because that's what I was wondering. It sounds like a name. It sounds like a name you would, like, bully a younger child with, you know. Shut up, Beezus.

[A]

No, Ramona is.

[B]

Is.

[A]

Is very cute. It was my favorite book. Some of my favorite books growing up.

[B]

Beezus.

[A]

Beezus. Her name is Beatrice, but she also doesn't like that. Because she's like, what is that. What is that name? Beatrice. But she's named after her aunt.

[B]

That's what I was. Be Just Christ, you know, Remember her?

[A]

Ramona and Beavis is really funny. Next question. What book did you read growing up? Because I feel like I was all in. Why I did Little House on the Prairie and Ramona and Beezus. That was, like, what I read. What did you read?

[B]

When I was really young, my favorite book was called Bunnicula. It was about a bunny that was a vampire. And then I read.

[A]

Was it a series?

[B]

No, I think it's just one book. And then I read that one about the teacher who's a witch. And then I read Series of Unfortunate Events.

[A]

The teacher's a witch. Isn't that a picture book?

[B]

Yeah. When I was, like, little, I'm thinking.

[A]

I'm talking about a series you read.

[B]

Oh, Series of Unfortunate Events.

[A]

Oh, that's a good one.

[B]

Did you know Harry Potter? Sorry, it was a different time.

[A]

The. Yes, of course. And the book about the teacher who was a witch. Yeah. Have I ever told you this?

[B]

No.

[A]

The first book I ever read.

[B]

Oh, okay. I'm serious.

[A]

Like, when I was learning to read, that was, like, the first book I really like. Like, I read through it and I was like, oh, my God. Cool. I also loved this book called Saying It.

[B]

Like, it's so surprising. I'm like, yeah, it's a children's book.

[A]

So I didn't know it was that podcast. I thought that was the way we connected, but. But I guess not.

[B]

We're so connected in general.

[A]

I never heard anyone talk about that book before. Really?

[B]

Oh, I feel like it's so popular. Yeah. I love that book. I read Animorphs. I read. But Series of Unfortunate Events was, like, a big one for me, and I loved the movie.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Did you watch the show?

[B]

No. It wasn't like, sorry, but Neil Patrick Harris wasn't my guy on that one.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Jim Carrey was. He really did it for me. And I just thought the movie was so. Admiral Streep. That cast is, like, bonkers from. From the movie. I'm sure the show is good too. Just, like, missed.

[A]

I also read when I was, like, five years old. I started reading kind of late, if you can believe it. You didn't laugh at that?

[B]

He looks so serious. Sorry. I just was, like, listening. I don't know. I didn't take that as a joke. I was just.

[A]

If you can believe it. And I turn in your stone cold. It's really a joke.

[B]

Stone cold.

[A]

Steve. You'd laugh a little bit, literally, just.

[B]

Actively listening to what you're saying. I'm sorry.

[A]

Sorry. It was the first time.

[B]

I never did that. Yeah.

[A]

I didn't try what it looked like. I hope that you're having, like a. I'm trying something.

[B]

Yeah. I hope you like it. It.

[A]

I. When I was like, five or six, I read this book called the Dumb Bunnies. It's actually really funny.

[B]

I do know about this.

[A]

It's because I've told you, but I think it's a. Hilarious. And the. And the animation is so funny. Or what do they call it? Illustrations. What do they say in literature? The illustrations are so fun. But I did not know how to read yet. But my mom read that book to me so much that I memorized it. And then I would pretend I knew how to read.

[B]

That's sweet.

[A]

So I would go around and be like, want me to read this book to you? And people are like, you're not even.

[B]

Looking at the page. Yeah. You're holding it upside down. I think that's very sweet. I.

[A]

What else did I read? You know fandom, Right? You didn't do.

[B]

I wasn't. I wasn't fandom. Anything. I would also read. Like, I wasn't like into stuff like that. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but I would go online and look at my local animal shelters, dogs that were for adoption. And then I would write them all down in a notebook and then I would write like adopted, fostered or still available next to all of their names. Why I did that, for who? I couldn't tell you. It was on a website already. But for some reason I thought that was important to kind of like have it for myself. I had a little briefcase I would put my notebook in. Really strange. Really strange to know what's a fandom.

[A]

And you think you're cooler than me because I read Hunger Games and you did that?

[B]

No, I didn't say that. Oh, I think I'm cooler than you for different reasons.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

I also read those books that were like. I don't know what they were. They. They weren't like American Girl doll books, but I think they felt maybe like adjacent where it was like a girl that like all the books were about like, like 12 year old girls. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Yeah, no, I know.

[B]

So one of them. Hold on, like, what's. Do you remember?

[A]

Did you read Goosebumps?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I didn't. Oh, I read Captain Underpants. Why are you looking at me like that?

[B]

I don't know why. Serious. Okay. The Royal Diaries and Dear America. They're two popular book series that feature girls from history. So they had. Let's see.

[A]

Oh, you know what I read a lot of was Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I read Diver One Big Head till way too late. Like I was reading those.

[B]

That kind of stuff. Missed me.

[A]

Unfortunately they're still making those, which is wild. I can't believe that.

[B]

Yeah, I also coming out with a.

[A]

Book that I was coming. It was coming out when I was a kid and I'm not that I'm.

[B]

Not part of Hoopy or anything like that. Garfield, they got all that kinds of stuff.

[A]

Oh, I guess that's true.

[B]

Yeah, I guess I didn't all of them have the Mason bigot. One day parade float.

[A]

That's. Oh my God, he does have one. Wow.

[B]

Dark wimpygot. He has a balloon. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Yeah, he's a balloon. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, no big deal. He has a balloon. It's so funny, I was looking up these books, these Dear America books, and this is an article from the Atlantic. I haven't read it, but it's just the first thing Comes up. It says, in the aftermath of 9 11, the young adult historical fiction series showed me how people move forward after earth shattering moments. I'm like, whoa, am I supposed to go back and read this? Wait, let's see what these books were. So they all had like a book.

[A]

You're Read it like a book.

[B]

Start now. No, it's because they're all like this. They're all. All the things are like kind of like. Like a picture frame with like a girl in it.

[A]

I know these.

[B]

You know what I'm talking about. There was one called across the Wild and Lones, or excuse me, across the Wide and Lonesome Prairie. The Oregon Trail Diary of Hattie Campbell. I don't think any of these people were real, to be clear. I think these were all historical fiction. The Great Railroad Race. The Diary of Libby West. West to a Land of Plenty. The Diary of Teresa Angelino Viscardi.

[A]

Are they all white?

[B]

No. Oh, so Far From Home. The Diary of Mary Driscoll, an Irish mill Girl. They weren't all American either. Oh, wait, but is it called Dear America? Wait, that's true. Okay. But I don't think they're all from like Voyage on the Great Sea. The Diary of Margaret and. Wait. Voyage on the Great Titanic. The Diary of Margaret. Honestly, I read these standing in the Light. The Captide Diary of Catherine Carey Logan. When Will this Cruel War Be Over? The Civil War Diary of Emma Simpson. Like, they had a bunch of them.

[A]

Are they thin? Not the girls, to be clear. The books.

[B]

The girls are hot and the books are thick. No, the books are thin. They're for. They're for girls. They're for girls, but they're girl books. They're thin, but they have art. Yeah, they have one about like a Sioux girl. There's one about a girl who was at the Alamo. What about a girl who is a freed former slave. One about a girl named Patience Whipple.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A Journey to the New World. I don't know, they're just about like different, I guess, stages of America or something like that. I don't know. This woman who wrote this article read them in third grade, so I think you probably could read them.

[A]

So rude. I do remember going to Barnes and Nobles like a couple years ago and I like had a couple hours between something and I just went to Barnes Nobles and I found that wall where they have those really tiny books about different moments in history.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I remember picking one up about Pompeii.

[B]

I remember. And you came home and you were like, do you know, about Pompeii. And I was like, in what context?

[A]

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

[B]

You were having a lot of fun.

[A]

But I was like, that's how I need to be learning. If I just go to Barnes and Nobles and read all those books, I can learn so much about history because they really just put the important stuff in.

[B]

Sure, yeah.

[A]

To be clear, I knew what Pompeii was, but I didn't know the details.

[B]

If you say so, Queen. If you say so, Queen. This person.

[A]

Oh, wait, one more thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'll stop talking about books. Sorry, I'm a bookaholic over here. Are you allowed to say that?

[B]

Aren't you different? Whoa, she's so quirky.

[A]

When I was a kid and we would go to the library, like in elementary school, you'd get to go to the library for an hour. I would sprint. Sprint to the Guinness Book of World Records.

[B]

I'm sure you did be finding that.

[A]

Woman with those long nails. And I would just look at it for the full hour.

[B]

That seems like the exact thing you do.

[A]

Obsessed with the Guinness Book of World Records. You cannot catch me checking out another book. I always checked out the Guinness World Records.

[B]

You haven't tried to be in it. I know it's different now, but it really seems like something you would want.

[A]

Honestly, I probably could be in it. I'm pretty sure you can just kind of invent something and be like, I can do this.

[B]

Yeah. I think Josh Sure. From Mythical Kitchen is in it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I think he's won something for it.

[A]

What was it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, text him and ask. Because they used to be, like, disturbing. That's why I liked it. It would be like, you know, you would see, like, I remember there was a page, was like, person who's passed the most kidney stones, and it wasn't my father, if you can believe it.

[B]

He had a lot of them, but.

[A]

They had like, so many kidney stones. And I was like, obsessed with looking at the picture because I was weird.

[B]

Josh once held the Guinness Book of World Record for the most baby food eaten in one minute, but he doesn't.

[A]

Have it anymore is what it sounds like.

[B]

And he dressed up like a baby when he did it. I hate that. I love him, but I hate that. Sorry, Josh.

[A]

What's the amount he ate? Cuz maybe I could beat that.

[B]

No. No. What if I beat that? No. We're moving on to the next question. You're not doing that. I would have to, unfortunately end our marriage I've been talking to this guy for over 4 months now. I knew of this guy in college, but we never really talked until the end of 2025. We have a lot in common and I like him a lot. However, I'm struggling a little bit with a couple aspects of our relationship and I was hoping I could have you guys advice to start. This guy lives about an hour and a half away from me and since I still live at home with my parents and he lives in his house on his own, it makes more sense for me to go to him and spend the night. He does come to my town usually once a week, but I go visit him religiously every single weekend, which entails over three hours of driving, gas money, and getting an oil change on my car pretty much every month.

[A]

You need to go maybe check if.

[B]

Your car's red flag for your car.

[A]

I don't think that's normal. I'm not the person to ask, but I feel like that's too much.

[B]

Yeah, here's my question. Is it a red flag if he never brings up serious topics? For example, after two months of us talking, the topic came up about the fact that he had never asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He never put a label on it or talked about this to me, so I decided to randomly ask him one day as it was on my mind. He immediately shut that down and said that everything was going perfectly and that having to officially label relationships nowadays is for kids. To add on to that, he still hasn't told anyone in his family about me. I told my mom and my sisters about him after three months of us talking. I don't know if that's just because I'm extremely close to my family or if it's because I find him so important in my life that I wanted to tell the people around me about him. He said he's eventually going to tell his mom, but he always comes up with an excuse that he doesn't want to bombard her with questions. Is that a valid excuse or am I just not important enough to be told about? I don't want to be the girl who tells someone's son that he needs to tell his family about me.

[A]

Me.

[B]

Also, we've never actually gone on a date every time we hang out, either at his place or we'll go to the movies, but he's never taken me out to dinner. I've made comments about that, but he doesn't really seem to care. It seems like he really likes me and I don't doubt that but then there are these things like this that make me wonder what his intentions really are. He talks about moving down to Florida and eventually buying a house together. But not once, once has he bought me flowers or taken me to a restaurant. And I think to myself, I could tell him that stuff that I want in a relationship, but I don't want him to take me out to dinner just because he thinks I want him to do it. I want him to do it because it's something that he wants to do. We face him every night to go to sleep. These are some of my concerns that I have. And I need your help.

[A]

That's hard because he does seem like he's showing up in a lot of ways.

[B]

I don't agree.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I feel like, how is he showing up?

[A]

He goes to her once a week, an hour and a half drive, I will say. And he facetimes her every single night.

[B]

I will say this. I don't know if he's just going for her. What else is in the town?

[A]

I don't know. Maybe she lives at Orlando. Like in Orlando, Florida?

[B]

No, but I mean, like, does he work there? Is. Are his parents there?

[A]

Oh, I don't know. He goes home. She. They.

[B]

I'm not sure.

[A]

Okay. They made it seem like he comes for them.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

But I don't know. Yeah, I mean, if there's another reason. But I'm like, every night facetiming until you fall asleep. That's a lot.

[B]

But it takes no effort.

[A]

I don't know. You just gave up all your nights.

[B]

It takes every night of the week.

[A]

You can't do anything.

[B]

A lot of attention.

[A]

Well, okay, that's true. That's true.

[B]

I'm skeptical. I think, like, any of things.

[A]

The comment about girlfriend was weird.

[B]

I think any of these things on their own could be reasonable. I think he doesn't want to tell his family. Putting a label on your relationship is four kids. Sorry. Then why can't children get married? Why can't children get married? Because it's for adults. Labels are for adults. When two kids have a crush on each other, do they have a label? No. You're an adult. You have to define your relationship so you both know what you're doing or don't define your relationship. If you're both happy with that. But don't say it's four kids. I think that is manipulative. Not telling the family. Not like it sounds like he's not reimbursing this person for gas or anything. I'm like, If I really liked someone, I'd be telling everybody. I'd be paying for their gas. I'd be doing. You know, I don't think someone not buying you flowers and going to a restaurant matters because that's not everyone's idea of romance. But, like, what is this person doing to me? It feels like almost nothing. I believe that this person likes you. I don't believe this person wants to be in a relationship.

[A]

I agree. I agree. I totally agree. I don't think. I guess that's what I mean is I don't think they're being like a villain, but I just think they're not in the place, it seems like. I think the kid comment is weird, especially if he's older than you. I think it's very condescending. And you never want to be in a relationship with someone who's older, who is using your age as a reason that they get to be right about things. Like, I never feel that in our dynamic.

[B]

No, ours is always about your intelligence.

[A]

But I've never, you know, you could be like, well, I'm older, so I know, blah, blah. Like, I would, but I'm like, what are sisters? Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Like, to be like, I'm old, but I think some people do that.

[A]

We're like, well, I have more life experience, so I know more about this. I, like, I've never felt the way. I love telling you how to do things and how you have no idea what's going on. Because I'm basically. I'm older and intelligent. No, we just don't feel that way. Like, you don't have that dynamic. But I think if you are dating someone who's older, that cannot be in it. That cannot be. Unless you're dating, like, someone 40 years older. And then I'm like, well, yeah, they're gonna know more about almost everything.

[B]

I'm also like, take what they have to say with a grain of salt. Like, if it's something they actually know stuff about, great. If they. They're 10 years older than you, but they don't have a history of having good relationships.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Then what do they know?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

That's how I feel.

[A]

But also, you can have different thought. Like, some people could be like, I don't really want to have a label on a relationship. And some person might want to. No, no person is right or wrong.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would understand if after the second date, you were like, I want to be your girlfriend. And he was like, that just feels like a little Young. That feels a little bit like childish, kind of like whatever. I. I could see that if you were like, you're rushing into this and you want to a label before maybe I feel like I've gotten to know you well, he's committing. But you're dating, right? Exactly. Like at this point he's talking about he's taking up so much time. You're taking up time visiting, doing all this type of stuff. He's saying he wants to introduce you to his parents, which it seems like he doesn't. That is all indicative of a relationship, I think it's just he's not ready.

[B]

I agree. I have a question. I'd love for you to discuss a bit of background. I grew up religious and always expected to get married. I then had a classic deconstruction explosion and left the church. All whilst falling in love.

[A]

Love.

[B]

I've been with my partner for nine years and I'd love to marry him. But he is anti marriage primarily just the background of marriage and the misogynistic gross vibes that come with that. I do agree with him, but also our marriage wouldn't be that it'd be equal such a dilemma. I really do value this. Any thoughts?

[A]

If I hear one more man tell me he's not getting married because it's misogynistic, I'm gonna lose my damn mind.

[B]

Actually, if you're right, wants to get married and you're like I can't because it's misogynistic.

[A]

If you're having to upset your woman wife because you're worried it's misogynistic. Maybe. Let's think about that.

[B]

If you're willing to upset your at home girl boss, I'll mail you a mirror. Okay, give me your address. I'll mail you.

[A]

What is that? Because to me I am like, like be for real. And even with like marriage. Look, I understand all perspectives on every single perspective on marriage.

[B]

I understand. I've never not understood any to the on marriage.

[A]

There's nothing you could explain more. I know, but I am like I've never understood even in gay relationships and I've had friends who are gay where like one of them wants to get married and the other one doesn't. I'm like if. Maybe I'm just a wife guy. But if your wife wants something that bad or your girlfriend friend wants something that bad, why would you not want to give it to her? So when people are like, well my wife really wants to get married, but I don't want to get married I'm like, oh, why? And they're like, because it just feels like crazy, like annoying. I'm like, that.

[B]

Or like, who really needs marriage? I'm like, you're girlfriend needs marriage. But if your partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it's important to them. Why would it not be important to.

[A]

You if you told me you wanted to live on a boat? Which I would do. Like. But if you really sat me down and were like, it's boat time, it's boat time. Or like, I don't know if I. I really wouldn't. It's important for me to have this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would take it very seriously.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that would ruin a lot of things in my life. It make a lot of things better if I lived on a boat. But it would cause. Put a wrench in a couple things.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

But I, I'm so, I'm amazed when people are so easily like, I don't want to do marriage. I don't want to do marriage because. Because even though my wife desperately wants to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I find that interesting.

[B]

My thought is, if your partner doesn't want to do marriage, what is he offering?

[A]

Money?

[B]

Yeah. Cash. Half a million dollars. But truly, what is he offering? Has he gone and done your living wills? Has he done your advanced health directives? Has he scheduled an appointment for you two to become domestic partners? To me, can you tell we've had.

[A]

A health crisis recently.

[B]

If he hasn't done those other things. But is like, I think marriage is misogynistic. I call because I don't think you are against the misogynistic nature of marriage. I think you are. I don't know. It's not my place to say what you are. I don't know what your deal is, but to me it feels phony. And I think you, I don't think it's intentionally trying to be manipulative. I'm sure your husband is a. Or partner. Excuse me. Your boyfriend is a very nice person and really, really cares about you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I think he's getting tripped up in stuff that doesn't matter. And the reason why you get married in this day and age is for like, safety, is for health insurance. Health insurance is for like, things that are real world and matter. And it actually, like everything in the entire world has a background of being bad. Bad. So I think that if you really want to get married, and this is kind of the only thing in which he takes a stance on the history of things being, it's like Every single food comes from some kind of tragedy. Every single location has had bad things happen there. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just like, things evolve and things are what they are now. And marriage now has an actual utilitarian purpose, which I guess it did back then too. And if you want your marriage to be like romance, I think that's awesome. But if you want your marriage to be for safety, things like health insurance, like health care, like your, like your children, whatever, it's like, that's great too. So, yeah, if your partner's like, I am not getting married, and you're like, I want to get married, I think that's a deal breaker, unfortunately.

[A]

Because if neither of you want to get married, I'm like, yeah, I get someone not wanting to get married. It's not that I'm anti. I think everyone needs to get married. No, it's not that. But I'm like, if your partner desperately wants to. And like you said, unless you have a good reason. Reason. But if it's because your partner says it's misogynistic, I would love to know what charities he's involved with, what he's doing in the daylight. Volunteering for women's rights. Yeah. What I would love to see in what list of podcasts he's listening to.

[B]

This one better be on it. In a way, is he pedestaling women and deplatforming himself? Like, I think there's just a lot of stuff that goes in there. So I think if that kind of feels like the one. Sticking to point. Sure, he's a feminist in general, but if that's something where he really hammers home, like the misogyny of it, I eye roll. I call bs And I think that, like, it's kind of like when two.

[A]

Gay people cuz to me, a wedding now it's like, yeah, it's for all those serious reasons. And then it's a fun celebration. Yeah, it's a moment of joy getting people together or just with your partner enjoying yourself. So it kind of feels like when a gay person, like, says a joke about being gay and then a straight person is like, that's not funny. Yeah, that's not funny. Don't joke about that. And you're like, I was actually having fun, let me have fun. That's what it feels like. You're taking a wedding away from your wife because she's already had to deal with a lifetime of sexism and now she has to deal with that continually without being in a wedding dress.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think that is a great disservice.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think you guys should either get married or I think you should find someone that values the same things as you. But I also think make sure you're having a part partner chat about how this is really important to you and why it feels kind of iral.

[A]

And if he truly is like, no, I love you so much, but I really, I hate it. Like, it really is. Feels misogynistic to me. I'm not comfortable with it. I'm not saying, like, walk out the door, but can we do, like, maybe a domestic partnership with a party? Can we do a living will? But you're in a dress, like, make him do something.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Like, for if he's just like, no, weddings are misogynistic. I'm like, okay, well then how is he showing up as your lifelo partner if that's the plan?

[A]

Like, are you going to buy a house together? Or if that's not in the budget, or you are. Yeah.

[B]

Dog together. Kids. Like, what's the plan? Yeah.

[A]

Well, maybe you don't have kids if you're trying to figure out.

[B]

But I mean, like, what is your plan if you guys plan to have kids?

[A]

Right.

[B]

He doesn't want to get married. Once again, what's the plan with that? If you guys are going to buy a house together but he doesn't want to get married, what's the plan with that? There's just a lot of bases that have to be covered. And I think if he's not covering those bases, but being like, like, you're my forever, but marriage is misogynistic. I'm like, I. I think you're either being childish or you actually maybe don't want to get married for some other reason and you're not being upfront about that. That's my guess. Not knowing you guys, that's my guess.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

But we want everyone that wrote in today to be as happy as possible. So whatever feels right to you, do it. We're just two guys on your computer.

[A]

And if we live in this studio, help us.

[B]

Just kidding.

[A]

Sometimes, you know, sometimes rumors start. People like, those people are trapped. They live studio, and I don't want.

[B]

It to be 100.

[A]

We're not trapped here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyways, if you were like, I have a question. I need advice. You can always write into hwhlpod questions gmail.com or you can message us on Instagram. We're always posing questions on there. But for your long questions always write into our email and we are happy to answer them in future episodes. And thank you so much for listening. If you're listening on Spotify, Apple Podcasts anywhere you really get your podcast, make sure to like, like review rate us. It helps us so much. And join our patreon.

[B]

Yeah, don't forget that this is an independently created and produced podcast that Kendall and I pay for. So anything you do helps us fund what you're listening to. So if you like it, let us know and we'll see you next week. All right, bye.

[C]

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