15 Storeys High 1999-11-24 The Entry Phone

Summary

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15 Storeys High: "The Entry Phone"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: August 31, 2025 (originally aired 1999-11-24)
Series: 15 Storeys High
Episode: "The Entry Phone"

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Overview

This episode of "15 Storeys High," entitled "The Entry Phone," takes an offbeat look at urban isolation, social anxieties, and the ways in which technology both shields and disconnects those living in modern tower blocks. Sean, the perpetually disgruntled protagonist, muses on the joys and pitfalls of living alone, handles an onslaught of unwanted visitors (religious, needy, and otherwise), and goes through farcical misadventures in flatsharing before finally, perhaps reluctantly, making a connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Pleasures (and Pitfalls) of Solitude

• Sean's Soliloquy: Sean describes the comforts of talking to himself and the luxuries of living alone—such as not having to clean up unless he wants to, and "cooking naked or drawing on the carpet" (00:37).

  • Quote: "It's one of the luxuries of living on your own, like cooking naked or drawing on the carpet. It's the same with the washing up. I know that if I didn't do the washing up, it would never get done. That makes me feel quite important.” (00:37, Sean)

• Entry Phones as Shields: Technology as a tool for avoidance is central—with the "Alienate 9000," a video entry phone, serving as Sean’s bulwark against the outside world.

  • Quote: "All I'd say is thank God for video entry phones. Because you can see them, but they can't see you. It's the last buffer between you and the losers." (02:22, Sean)

Reluctant Encounters, Unwanted Visitors

• Persistent Evangelists: Sean fends off religious proselytizers at the entry phone, seeing them as part of the general unwanted barrage of those seeking to engage with him under false pretenses.

  • Quote: "The prize you have won is everlasting life with Jesus Christ in heaven, with the angels." (01:54, Evangelist)
  • Sean deadpans about them: “If they believe in God, that’s fine, but there’s no need to go on and on and on about it..." (02:04)

• Friends in Need, Flatmates Unwanted: Stuart, a hapless acquaintance, asks to move in after losing his job. Sean’s panic and inventive avoidance strategies paint a funny, bittersweet picture of commitment-phobia.

  • Quote (to himself): “Wish I could go back in time, you know... But I can’t have anyone moving in. I’d have to buy another plate. Another knife, spoon, fork, another mug...” (08:32, Sean)

• Flatshare Follies: Sean encounters a series of unsuitable candidates for the flat—ranging from an overly submissive would-be flatmate to a "Cat" musical actress, leading to some absurd exchanges and escalating awkwardness.

  • Quote: "If you want, I could put a flap in the front door, help me get into character, you know?" (17:09, Sean to actress)
  • Response: "Look, I am not a cat." (17:24, Actress)

Satirical Social Commentary

• Urban Disconnection: The show satirizes the loneliness of city life, where social contact is either forced or superficial. Sean’s elaborate defense mechanisms (entry phone, single-slice toaster, avoidance of real relationships) are both comic and poignant.

• Religious Peddlers as Omnipresent: The evangelical character pops up in various guises—a gasman, a delivery person, a pizza guy—all desperate to "spread the word," much to Sean’s chagrin.

  • Quote: "I'm fully qualified corgi engineer, but I'm a Christian, and to me God is very much like the Gas Board. And I can connect you to both." (15:23, Evangelist/Gasman)

• Single-Slice Toaster as Metaphor: Sean purchases a single-slice toaster, stating, "So people don't stick around in the morning,"—a physical embodiment of his desire for solitude. (20:20)

A Glimmer of Connection

• Serendipitous Meeting: In a twist, a new arrival (Errol) hears Sean's message on the entry phone and appears—offering a possible new start and some warmth amid the loneliness.

  • Quote: "My uncle came down to London in the 50s, but he got touched up, never went back. You don't do anything like..." (25:09, Errol—awkward banter highlighting urban paranoia)

• Sean’s Quiet Transformation: Although he initially clings to solitude, by the close Sean seems to soften to human contact—perhaps even considering the merits of a flatmate (or a dog).

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On urban alienation:
  • "The Alienate 9000 allows you to hide in the comfort of your own home." (02:51, Narrator)
• On the price of sharing:
  • "I’d have to buy another plate. Another knife, spoon, fork, another mug. Placemat. Coaster. Chair.” (09:30, Sean)
• On genetically modified food:
  • "They've done is try to make a tomato that is better by getting a fish to have sex with it in a laboratory." (09:31, Neighbour)
  • “Stop genetic engineering now because it’s making the news too hard.” (09:52, Neighbour)
• On technology and avoidance:
  • "Why do you have a toaster with one slice? ... So people don't stick around in the morning." (20:18, Evangelist/Gasman & Sean)
• On Stuart’s prospects:
  • "You don't want to live with Stuart because you think you're better than him. ... I'd rather shrivel up than have your cold hands inching their way across my bosom." (23:10, Mrs. Una, blending accusation and over-the-top innuendo)
• On secular saints:
  • "Who else do you work for?" — "Domino, Rent a Kill, Meals on Wheels and Some arts. Anything to spread the word of the savior." (20:56, Evangelist/Gasman)
• Comic awkwardness with new flatmate:
  • "My uncle came down to London in the 50s, but he got touched up, never went back. You don't do anything like..." (25:09, Errol)
  • "No, no, no, no, no, no." (25:16, Sean, horrified)

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• 00:00–02:44 – Sean’s musings on solitude, handling evangelists, the glory of the entry phone
• 06:11–09:05 – Stuart’s visit, request to stay, Sean’s mental gymnastics to avoid flat-sharing
• 15:02–16:09 – Evangelical gasman, blending mundane and spiritual, another sales pitch for faith
• 16:23–18:50 – Flat-sharing interviews; absurdity, failed connection with musical actress
• 20:00–20:57 – The single-slice toaster, more from the relentless Christian, metaphors for isolation
• 24:49–25:32 – Errol arrives, spark of hope for authentic connection
• 26:00–27:10 – Epilogue-style scene: household banter elsewhere, cutbacks to Sean’s flat, ending on ambiguous contentment

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Tone & Style

• Dialogue is sharp, droll, often cutting—filled with surreal tangents, deadpan delivery, and social awkwardness.
• The humor walks the line between cynicism and warmth, lampooning both urban disconnection and the characters’ own defensive eccentricities.

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Conclusion

"15 Storeys High: The Entry Phone" offers a wry, poignant, and often absurd exploration of city life and isolation. Through Sean’s misadventures with entry phones, flatmate candidates, and relentless evangelists, the episode lampoons the ways people both desperately seek and scrupulously avoid connection. Ultimately, it’s as much about stubbornness and missed opportunities as it is about the silent hope of finding someone who understands.

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Transcript

[A]

Sean locks. 15 storeys high. London South, a tower block. A hundred lives under one flat roof. You're thinking urban decay, dampness, despair. But no, they've done it up really nice. Of course, some people are Never happy. Flat 76.

[B]

See, I love talking to myself. It's very. That's it, really. You don't have to finish your sentences off. I can leave long gaps. When I think of something to say, I'll be halfway through an argument with myself and think I'm a bit peckish. Finish it off later. There's no pressure. But when you talk to someone else, they expect quick, snappy answers. You can't break off in the middle of a conversation, rearrange your cereal boxes, come back and say, no, it was Ted Bundy. It's one of the luxuries of living on your own, like cooking naked or drawing on the carpet. It's the same with the washing up. I know that if I didn't do the washing up, it would never get done. That makes me feel quite important.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Greetings.

[B]

No, thanks.

[C]

Hello. I have something for you.

[B]

What? A prize.

[C]

You won a prize?

[B]

What is it?

[C]

If you just let me come in, I will tell you.

[B]

No, show it to me on the video screen.

[C]

I do not have it with me.

[B]

Is it. Is it big?

[C]

It is bigger than you can ever believe, my friend.

[B]

What is it?

[C]

The prize you have won is everlasting life with Jesus Christ in heaven, with the angels.

[B]

I knew it was that mob. They're always trying to get in the flats. If they believe in God, that's fine, but there's no need to go on and on and on about it, is there? I mean, I really like pitch and putt, but I don't go knocking on people's doors going, come and play. It's brilliant. Your life. All I'd say is thank God for video entry phones. Because you can see them, but they can't see you. It's the last buffer between you and the losers. If you keep them out, you've got a chance. But if you let them in, they'll drag you down into a pitiful lake of despair and hopelessness. I didn't make that up. It's in the brochure.

[A]

The Alienate 9000 keeps out most types of scum. It protects you from thieves, loonies and so called friends.

[B]

The Alienate 9000 allows you to hide.

[A]

In the comfort of your own home.

[B]

Now, don't get me wrong, I like people, it's just they don't agree with me. I'm the same as spring onions. I love them, but they upset my stomach. So I don't have people or spring onions in the flat. And people say, that must be awful, you know, living like that. But it's not too bad. Fair enough. I did buy the kettle a birthday card. My salads like crunch. What's the alternative? Having to share with someone and put up with their incessant living in my flat?

[A]

Flat 52. Hello? Hello, David? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, I think I've still got it. Hang on. Wait there. I'll check. Yeah, yeah, the outboard's still working. Yeah, pick it up anytime. No, she won't be here. She moved out. Oh.

[B]

Say, a few drawbacks to living on your own. I mean, if you haven't got a flatmate, you can't rifle through their stuff while they're out. Or not give them important messages like.

[D]

Hello, Steve, it's Claire. Just ran to say don't come up to Sheffield this weekend. I've got to work in Wales. Hope you get this message.

[B]

I felt a bit bad about that one, even though he had it coming, using my honey.

[A]

Flap 91. Oh, hello, operator. I wonder if you can help me. I've got half a number. I can't remember the rest of it.

[D]

Well, unless you know the number, sir, we can't help.

[A]

No, but you might recognize it. You must hear millions of numbers.

[D]

Go on, then.

[A]

Right. The number is 0891 24DiddlyDiddly.

[D]

I think I know that one. Do it again.

[A]

Oh. 891-24-DDLY-DDLY.

[D]

Oh, yeah. The number you require is 0891-2423.

[B]

The trouble with getting to know people is you don't really get to know them until it's too late. One minute you said hello. Next minute they're filling with the brightness on your telly. I tried those chat lines for a while. They seemed the perfect solution. You make a friend, but as soon as they get on your nerves, put the phone down. But I had really bad experience. I got chatting to this girl and we got on great. And then we met up and went out together for a few months. But all went wrong because she wanted a window open at night. Put me off those chat lines. Don't they ever give up?

[A]

Hello, Sean, are you in?

[B]

Oh, Stuart. What do you want?

[A]

Shall I just go away?

[B]

No, no, come. Oh, not Stuart. Last time he came around just to tell me he had mumps, he just phoned. I mean, I have to let him in, though. He's helped Me out financially in the past without realizing it. All right, Stuart. How the mumps?

[A]

They left. I woke up one morning, they were gone. Cynical.

[B]

Did you see?

[D]

Can't cook.

[A]

Won't cook. This morning. No, it wasn't very good.

[B]

You still working at the fun and splash center?

[A]

No, I put the wrong chemicals in the toddler's pool.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

No one got hurt, but, well, they sacked me and now I can't afford my room. Oh, no. I might have to move out of my flat.

[B]

Oh, please God, no.

[A]

I know you've got a spare room and I remember you said if everyone needed a favor.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh. I thought you might let me move.

[D]

In for a while.

[A]

Is that all right?

[B]

Ah, sorry. Stuart. I can't believe it. Talk about bad timing.

[A]

Ah, I see. Never mind.

[B]

See, Yesterday, right?

[A]

It's all right, mate. I know you'd help him.

[B]

I've been looking for a flatmate.

[A]

Don't worry about it. That's life. Well, I better be off. Gotta find somewhere before dark.

[B]

Good luck, mate.

[A]

Oh, I bought you this lava lamp as a moving in present.

[B]

No, I couldn't take that.

[A]

You might as well have it. I haven't got anywhere to put it.

[B]

Wish I could go back in time, you know. I wish. I know. I could try and phone the British Consulate in Sri Lanka. Get them to send a message to my new flatmates village. Tell him not to sell their crops to pay for his airfare to come to England to study medicine.

[A]

Oh, don't worry.

[B]

So that he can one day go back and help find a cure. I'll find somewhere for the tombola fly. You know, the one that bites you and you don't know what you're gonna get. Oh, why, it can give you a nasty itch, your baldness, a lisp. Well, I'll bet it be all it's a complete lottery. I think I got away with that. Feel a bit guilty turning him down like that. But I can't have anyone moving in. I'd have to buy another plate. Another knife, spoon, fork, another mug. Placemat.

[A]

Coaster.

[B]

Chair.

[A]

Flat 30. So, what do you think about this genetically modified food? Well, I don't know anything about it, right? But what they've done is try to make a tomato that is better by getting a fish to have sex with it in a laboratory.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

Yeah, it's quite incredible when you think about it. But I don't. All I say is stop genetic engineering now because it's making the news too hard.

[B]

Wine, glass, whisk.

[A]

Poof.

[B]

It cost me a fortune. That was nice of Stuart to buy me this lamp. I've always wanted one of these blob lamps. So I can just watch the blobs going up and down. Typical. No plug. Hello?

[D]

Hello, Sean. It's Stuart's mum here.

[B]

Oh, hello, Mrs. Una. Paloma. Blanca.

[D]

You seem Stuart. I'm a bit worried about him.

[B]

He just left.

[D]

Right. I'll be round in a minute.

[B]

What for?

[D]

To look into your eyes.

[B]

I better hide the booze and the butter.

[A]

So where is Tibet, anyway? I don't know. It's near the sea. A bit like Kent, but where it is.

[C]

So what's the big problem?

[A]

I haven't read a paper in weeks. But that doesn't stop me knowing that the Serbs think it belongs to them, does it? Well, it's a complete shot in the dark, but no, it doesn't. If you want my wordless opinion. It's Arabic, is it? No. And that is a problem.

[B]

Oh, hello, Mrs. Yu.

[D]

Hello, Sean. Great to see you again. Come here.

[B]

Oh, too tight. I've got asthma.

[D]

You're teenagers. You'll stop.

[B]

Time 36, Mr. Q.

[D]

Legal.

[B]

Have you got something in your hair?

[D]

Stardust?

[B]

No, it looks like a ring pool.

[D]

Oh, those lovely things get everywhere.

[B]

Can I. Can I get you anything?

[D]

What time is it?

[B]

11:30.

[D]

White wine?

[B]

I've only got tea, coffee, squash.

[D]

What's in a straw? Donkey.

[B]

Well, it's so. It's horrible. It's some liqueur I bought in Greece.

[D]

I love Greek liqueurs. Oh, wow. What a place. This view is amazing. We could have such a wild party here. Are you gonna put some music on or. My love to me?

[B]

No.

[D]

Oh, come on, just once.

[B]

No. You're Stuart's mum.

[D]

No, I'm not. I'm a woman. Forget about Stuart.

[B]

Can't you look like him?

[D]

Well, don't be so uptight. We'll just have some fun and then just forget all about it. Come on. What's the matter?

[B]

I'm scared. I've got a really good memory. No. Mrs. You. I mean it.

[D]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, I thought you were looking for Stuart.

[D]

Oh, Stuart. My little baby. He wanted to stay with me, but I got these acrobats staying from Cuba. Amazing bodies. But can you believe it? They're all gay. Have you got any grass?

[B]

No.

[D]

Oh, bummer.

[B]

You were saying about Stuart.

[D]

Oh, my baby. When he left, I felt guilty.

[B]

Look, Stuart came round and he needed a place to stay, but I couldn't help him. I've already got someone moving in. Just bad timing. Shame, really.

[D]

Oh, you liar. You haven't got anyone moving in where? No. No. You're lying. You just don't want to live with Stuart. I do.

[B]

It's great fun.

[D]

Okay, this person that's moving in, is it a man or a woman?

[B]

I don't know. I only spoke to him on the.

[A]

Phone.

[B]

While I was running a bath during a war film.

[D]

You seem tense.

[A]

Flat 84. Cold. Cold. Warmer. Warmer. Warm. No, no, no. Cold, cold.

[B]

Hello, Is that the flat share agency? I need someone to move into my flat for a couple of days. Well, what's the minimum? Six months. Okay, but I need someone today. I don't mind, really, as long as they're quiet. Someone in shock would be nice. Cuban acrobats? No, I'm sure they're desperate. Hello.

[C]

I've come to read your meter.

[B]

I don't know where it is, mate.

[C]

I think you'll find this in the cobalt.

[B]

I don't usually have a lot of gas, you know. I use the microwave mainly.

[C]

Can I tell you something? Gas is a wonderful thing. It's a gift from the Almighty Savior.

[B]

That's one way of looking at it, I suppose.

[C]

The Lord Almighty is a provider of bounteous treasures. He gives us many things. Coal, gas, tin. We must praise him for this. Would you like to join me in a prayer for all the gas and natural resources he's given us?

[B]

Are you really from the gas boat?

[C]

Yes, I'm fully qualified corgi engineer, but I'm a Christian, and to me God is very much like the Gas Board. And I can connect you to boat.

[B]

I'll stick with the gas, thanks very much.

[C]

But man needs more than the gas.

[B]

I know. I've ordered a toaster in case the grill packs up.

[C]

I'm talking up here.

[B]

Inside. I don't want to be rude, mate, but could you just go away and leave me alone?

[C]

I can't believe you're speaking to me like this. I'm offering to be your friend, your spiritual companion.

[B]

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it quite like that.

[C]

You know, you caused me dismay and dejection.

[B]

No.

[A]

Warm, warm, warm air. Hot, yes, hot. Hot. You're boiling. Yes. Right. Let's see how you get on, shall we? Fly, my little bee.

[D]

Fly. Fly. Cool.

[B]

So, if you don't mind me asking, what do you do for a living?

[D]

I'm an actress.

[B]

How did you get into that, then?

[D]

I don't know, really. I just sort of fell into it.

[B]

When you were a kid, were you really good at pretending? No.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I suppose so.

[B]

You working? Yeah. Yep, yep.

[D]

I'm in the West End at the moment. I'm in a musical.

[B]

Which one?

[D]

Cat.

[B]

That's funny. That's funny because I'm allergic to cats. Not the musical. I mean real cats. If you're not a real cat, you just dress up as a cat. Mind you, if you want, I could put a flap in the front door, help me get into character, you know?

[D]

Could I see the room, please?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, it's got everything you need. There's floor and the walls.

[D]

Well, it's very small.

[B]

Yeah, but once you're curled up on a cushion with a ball of wool, you'll be very happy.

[D]

Look, I am not a cat.

[B]

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Sorry.

[A]

Just.

[B]

I'm just surprised they use real actresses in those cat costumes because they could just dress up ordinary members of the public, you know. No one would know.

[D]

Yes, they would.

[B]

Sorry, I didn't realize.

[D]

I mean, just because it's Andrew Lloyd Webber, everyone thinks it's crap. I mean, I know it's not Shakespeare.

[B]

But he might have written it if he'd lived longer. He was in his prime when he died. I'm sure later in life, when he was senile and incontinent, he could have easily written Cats.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

No, sorry. Don't go. I didn't mean to offend you. I just need someone to move in and you're the first person who's been suitable. Sit down, have a cup of tea, see if you like the place.

[D]

You know, just no more cat jokes.

[B]

Promise. Milk tea. Do you ever get annoyed at those peaky tits chimps? They're not real actors like you, they're just chimps. It's a stupid advert anyway, because. Hello. This is the bathroom. That'll be your room. Down the end there is my bedroom. Go in there, break your legs. This is the kitchen. Stay out whilst I'm cooking. Washing up must be done immediately or you'll incur a small fine. I have a catch with lychees. I'll kick seven bells out of you. That's it, really. Do you. Do you want the room?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You don't really say much, do you, sir?

[A]

I shall.

[B]

Well, it's 75 a week in advance. All we need to do now is the medical. So if you strip off and just lie down over there. No, I'm sorry. This isn't going to work. I can't share a flat with you. You're too submissive. I'm scared of what I might do.

[C]

What?

[D]

No.

[B]

Get out.

[A]

Flat 17.

[D]

Did you hear that?

[A]

What?

[C]

That voice.

[A]

What voice?

[D]

A deep voice. It said, your destiny lies in the north. You were the chosen one.

[C]

Hello. I have a parcel for you.

[B]

You really don't give up, do you?

[C]

You are very rude. I have a parcel for you.

[B]

But you work for the Gas Board.

[C]

I also work for dhf. I bring you a special delivery from America from Lonely Guy Incorporated.

[B]

Brilliant. Single slice toaster.

[C]

Why do you have a toaster with one slice?

[B]

Why? So people don't stick around in the morning. You know, Rick's got an immobilizer to frustrate the most persistent of guests.

[C]

I feel sorry for you. You are such a very lonely fellow.

[B]

Why are you so concerned about me?

[C]

I saw you in Woolworths last Christmas trying to buy one cracker. And I thought to myself, I must help this man.

[B]

Well, I'm sorry. But you take my advice. Give up, I mean. I don't believe in God.

[C]

No. You will believe. I must go now. I have a pizza to deliver.

[B]

Who else do you work for?

[C]

Domino. Rent a Kill, Meals on Wheels and Some arts. Anything to spread the word of the savior.

[B]

Hello?

[D]

Hello, Sean. I found Stuart. And we just want to come up and collect his blob lamp and make your new flat mate.

[B]

But don't use the lift. Right. Seven flights of stairs. 30 seconds of flight, walk along corridor. 15 seconds, climb over discarded sofa. 10 seconds, recoil from smelling flat 72. 9 seconds, knock on door. 3 seconds. That's 4 minutes, 5 seconds minus transparent. Working this out. 3 minutes, 52 seconds. Flatmate in 3 minutes, which is tricky.

[D]

Dennis, can you think of any reason why I should want to kill you?

[A]

No.

[D]

Are you sure?

[A]

Yeah. Why?

[D]

Doesn't matter.

[B]

Only three seconds left. I use the alien. Eight, nine thousand. The most powerful entry phone in the world. Hello? Hello? Still in the room. Get up to flat 76 for the next 30 seconds. If you want to live in a nice flat, get to flat 76 in 20 seconds. No time wasters, please. 15 seconds. Wood suit. Professional smoker with no sense of humor. Ten seconds. Five seconds. No dogs, please. Last call for Plus 76. Anybody? Stuart, great to see you. Where'd you get to?

[D]

Trafalgar Square. He was covered in pigeons.

[A]

They love me.

[D]

Has your so cool flatmate arrived?

[B]

No, he didn't turn up. Typical Sri Lankan. What are they like?

[D]

Well, you don't have to worry about Stuart moving in. He's gonna come live with me. I'm gonna look after my little baby.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

I was kind of looking forward to Stuart moving in? In a weird, perverse way, no, you weren't.

[D]

You don't want to live with Stuart because you think you're better than him. Well, you're not. Stuart is warm, loving and kind. Excuse me. I'm glad you wouldn't have sexual intercourse with me.

[B]

Oh, Mom.

[D]

I'd rather swivel up than have your cold hands inching their way across my bosom. What's, Mum? I'm a woman. I have feelings.

[B]

Honestly, I like the moving Stuart. We could be like mates, but not too much. Yeah.

[D]

No. I wouldn't let you taint him with your icy poison. You stay up here crouching on your lonely perch like a smug ermit. In fact, why don't you break yourself in? Then you'd be happy. You make me sick.

[B]

Forgot the blob lamp.

[D]

Guinness. We're off to Scotland.

[A]

Why?

[D]

Because Martin Bell's there.

[A]

So?

[D]

In his white suit. I have to be near him.

[A]

Well, look, you just ask these voices of yours while we're up in Scotland, who's gonna cover me at work, eh? Dave's off sick, Kamal's on a training course and Pauling's only temporary. Can't leave her in charge of the depot. Bloody voices. They come in your head and that's it. Yes, sir. No, sir. Three bags water. What about old muggins here?

[C]

30 years of.

[B]

So I'm here on my own again. Just how I like it. Shame, really. I'm starting getting the idea of having a flatmate. Maybe I'll get a dog now I've only got one bowl. Hello.

[A]

I come about the room.

[B]

I heard your message on the entry phone.

[C]

Come.

[A]

Believe me.

[B]

Look, I just arrived in London.

[A]

It's massive.

[B]

Nothing like Lincoln.

[A]

I didn't bring any slippers.

[B]

Shall I take my shoes off? No, no, just come in.

[D]

This is great.

[A]

Sofa, television.

[B]

My uncle came down to London in the 50s, but he got touched up, never went back.

[A]

You don't do anything like.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

I'm Errol.

[A]

What's your name?

[B]

Sean. How come you were standing outside the flats? It was weird.

[C]

I've been looking for somewhere all day.

[B]

I stopped outside the block and got chatting to this Nigerian guy. Told him how I needed a flat and he said, have faith and pray to God.

[C]

When you started shouting through the intercom, he couldn't believe it. He thought it was a miracle. He rang off singing, praise the Lord, he has come.

[D]

You all right?

[B]

Yeah. You've gone very pale.

[A]

No, no, I'm fine. Ice skating's on in a minute.

[B]

I'll put the kettle on.

[D]

God. I'm sorry, Dennis. I didn't mean to hurt you.

[B]

That's all right.

[A]

Forget about it.

[D]

No, listen. We need to talk. I think I'm going mad.

[A]

You've always been mad.

[D]

No, I mean really mad.

[A]

I love you. You're bonkers.

[D]

No, this is different. I'm losing my grip.

[A]

That's why I married you, you great big loony.

[D]

I can't cope anymore.

[A]

You can't cope? What about me? I've got to live with you.

[D]

Look. It's like I'm talking and talking. I can hear the words in my head, but they don't make a sound.

[A]

Tell me about it.

[D]

You can't hear me, can you?

[A]

I wish. Come give me a kiss.

[D]

You're a robot.

[B]

Exterminate. Exterminate. I'm coming to get you. Wow.

[A]

Triple salco.

[B]

With a twist. Oh, buy another mug tomorrow. Nah, I'm happy drinking out of a pan. Tally's a bit dark. That's how I like it.

[A]

Flat 91.

[D]

I love this song. Now I used to get tall there. It's the deception. Blimey, is crotch like that? I like the dress. Puppy and all that one. And what she say?

[C]

£14.99.

[B]

Sean Locks.

[A]

Fifteen stories.

[B]

High Star.

[A]

Sean Lock. With Felix Dexter, Jenny Eclair, Tim Mitchell, Tracy Ann Oberman and Peter Sarafinowich. It was written by S. Lock and Martin Trenaman. And the script editor was Is Robert Fraser Steele. The producer is Chris Neal.