20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx episode 2 Eloise Must Study

Summary

Podcast Summary: "20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx Episode 2: Eloise Must Study"

Introduction

In Episode 2 of "20th Century Vampire," titled "Eloise Must Study," listeners are plunged deeper into the tumultuous life of Eloise, a novice vampire navigating the complexities of her newfound existence. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, this episode masterfully blends humor, drama, and supernatural elements to explore themes of responsibility, education, and personal growth within the vampire community.

---

Key Characters Introduced:

• Eloise: A young vampire recently turned, grappling with her new identity and responsibilities.
• Lucretia (Van Helsing): Eloise's stern and traditional vampire mentor, determined to train her effectively.
• Debbie: Eloise's supportive yet quirky flatmate.
• Wayne: Eloise's affable but somewhat oblivious boyfriend.
• Mr. Jenkins: An imposing figure, possibly a neighbor or authority, who interacts frequently with Wayne.

---

Plot Overview

1. Relationship Dynamics and Tensions (00:00 - 05:28)

The episode opens with a light-hearted yet tension-filled exchange between Lucretia and a mysterious character referred to as Devon Helsing, highlighting Lucretia's possessiveness over Eloise:

• Lucretia: “...you are a bat and she is a vampire. Mixed marriages never work.” (00:05)

This sets the stage for the complex mentor-mentee relationship between Lucretia and Eloise, establishing Lucretia's authoritative and sometimes overbearing nature.

2. Eloise's First Date Mishap (01:42 - 03:50)

Eloise recounts her unconventional first date with Wayne, marked by eccentricities like Wayne being strapped to a motorbike:

• Debbie: “You must have had a great first date with Wayne.” (02:12)
• Eloise: “...turned into a wild eyed vampire hungry for human blood and sucked on Wayne's veins till my animal lust was sated.” (03:37)

This anecdote blends humor with the challenges of managing her vampire instincts, portraying Eloise's struggle to balance her personal life with her supernatural nature.

3. The Introduction of Vampire Education (05:28 - 12:50)

Lucretia introduces Eloise to the rigorous education system for vampires, emphasizing the importance of knowledge and discipline:

• Lucretia: “...you must complete your education before embarking on your vampire life.” (12:10)
• Narrator: “...Eloise tries hard in class, but when it comes to exams, she is a complete duffer.” (21:54)

Eloise's disdain for traditional study methods and her attempts to find shortcuts illustrate her initial reluctance and lack of preparedness for her vampiric duties.

4. The Exam Challenge (12:50 - 24:20)

Despite her fears and academic struggles, Eloise faces her first vampire exam, which includes both written and practical components:

• Lucretia: “Name all the major blood groups.” (23:48)
• Lucretia: “Fill in the blanks. Transylvanian history is the eternal reality... Vampires are afraid of A. Garlic B. Process C. Crisp with sharp stakes, face down.” (23:58)

Eloise's humorous and creative answers, such as identifying tomato ketchup as a vampire deterrent, showcase her unique perspective but also highlight her lack of formal knowledge.

5. Deception and Revelation (16:07 - 21:32)

Eloise fakes an illness to avoid the exam, deceiving Lucretia and Debbie:

• Eloise: “You're better. It's a miracle. Chickenpox is a serious disease for vampires.” (22:45)
• Eloise: “I duped the professor. Student vampire. Eloise one gullible teacher.” (21:02)

This act of deception underscores Eloise's desperation to escape academic pressures but sets the stage for her eventual realization of responsibility.

6. The Turning Point and Success (22:38 - 27:51)

Eventually, Eloise confronts her fears, studies diligently, and surprisingly passes her exam:

• Eloise: “I passed. I actually passed an exam.” (26:36)
• Lucretia: “...bloodsucker professor, the best vampire teacher in the whole bloody world.” (27:04)

This triumph marks a significant milestone in Eloise's journey, illustrating personal growth and the value of perseverance.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Lucretia on Mixed Marriages: “...you are a bat and she is a vampire. Mixed marriages never work.” (00:05)
• Eloise on Her Vampire Identity: “I'm a vampire. I knew I was different. I knew I was special.” (01:42)
• Debbie on Eloise and Wayne's Date: “It's three in the morning and he's strapped to your motorbike with a couple of bungee cords and a goofy grin on his face.” (02:16)
• Eloise's Admission of Struggle: “I can't bear to look. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. I'll never pass this exam. I'm too dim.” (26:36)
• Lucretia's Teaching Authority: “Shut up and listen. I'm the teacher. I can do what I want.” (25:01)

These quotes capture the essence of character relationships, Eloise's internal conflicts, and the comedic undertones of the episode.

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Themes and Insights

1. Responsibility and Growth: Eloise's journey from avoiding her responsibilities to embracing them highlights the challenges of personal growth, especially when dealing with significant life changes like becoming a vampire.

2. Education and Mentorship: The dynamic between Eloise and Lucretia emphasizes the importance of mentorship and the sometimes harsh methods required to instill necessary skills and knowledge.

3. Humor in Supernatural Contexts: The episode skillfully incorporates humor into the vampire narrative, making the supernatural elements relatable and entertaining.

4. Balancing Personal Life and Duties: Eloise's interactions with Wayne showcase the difficulty of maintaining personal relationships while adapting to a new identity and set of responsibilities.

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Conclusion

"Eloise Must Study" deftly combines elements of comedy, drama, and the supernatural to tell a compelling story of growth and adaptation within the vampire community. Through Eloise's trials and triumphs, the episode underscores the value of education, the complexities of mentorship, and the personal struggles that come with embracing a new identity. Harold's Old Time Radio delivers a rich, engaging narrative that not only entertains but also offers thoughtful insights into the challenges of personal development and responsibility.

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Final Moral: As highlighted by Professor Lucretia, "coursework and practical tests can provide a more accurate assessment of students' progress than written exams alone. Education professionals, take a note." (27:51) This episode serves as a humorous yet poignant reminder of the multifaceted nature of learning and the importance of diverse evaluation methods.

Transcript

[Eloise]

Foreign.

[Lucretia]

20Th century vampire by Joe Tanner. The Devon Helsing. You're the most beautiful bat in my belfry. You mustn't be jealous of Eloise. You'll always be my favorite. What do you mean you're not jealous? You love Eloise. Is that healthy or indeed legal? Van Helsing, my darling, you are a bat and she is a vampire. Mixed marriages never work. I think you should reconsider this adolescent crush and remind yourself who is the most elegant and exquisite vampire in this town? Yes, me. I am Lucretia, the most beautiful of all vampires. And don't forget it or it'll be bad stew for tea. That's right. I'm not as nice as Dr. Dolittle. Your lovely Eloise is just a baby vampire, for goodness sake. She only had her first feed tonight. She still has everything to learn. And I must be her teacher. And I shall be the best teacher in the whole damn world.

[Eloise]

I'm a vapire. I knew I was different. I knew I was special. The hours I've spent on checkout till four dreaming of something like this. Life is going to be very different from now on. Are you all right, Wayne? Hold on tight. We're nearly home. Stop gulping and help me get him off. Wow, Eloise.

[Debbie]

You must have had a great first date with Wayne.

[Eloise]

What makes you think that?

[Debbie]

Well, it's three in the morning and he's strapped to your motorbike with a couple of bungee cords and a goofy grin on his face.

[Eloise]

Unhook your end and give him a shove. Wayne.

[Debbie]

Wayne, can you hear me? Did you have a nice time?

[Eloise]

Eloise.

[Wayne]

Eloise.

[Debbie]

Aw, hark at that. He loves you, Eloise.

[Eloise]

He's pissed. Pull him off the bike.

[Lucretia]

Careful.

[Debbie]

Oh, he's heavy.

[Eloise]

Mind you don't drop him.

[Lucretia]

Whoops.

[Eloise]

Never mind. He's got a thick skull. Come on, help me drag him. One leg each. Okay. Up the stairs.

[Debbie]

Oh, look, his head's bouncing up the steps. I wonder if that hurts.

[Eloise]

I'll tell you what, for a gangly bastard, he's quite light and graceful when he's unconscious. Let's take a breather. Drop him here.

[Debbie]

So, tell me about your first date with Wayne.

[Eloise]

What is this, a test? How come you've got this prurient interest in my life, Debbie?

[Debbie]

Because I don't have one of my own. Your life's so much more interesting.

[Eloise]

It was just a normal, boring date. Really? Yes.

[Debbie]

Nothing happened.

[Eloise]

Nothing.

[Debbie]

Nothing at all.

[Eloise]

All right. You forced it out of me. We ate dinner, we had a couple of drinks. And then at midnight I turned into a wild eyed vampire hungry for human blood and sucked on Wayne's veins till my animal lust was sated.

[Debbie]

See, that wasn't too difficult, was it?

[Lucretia]

Come on.

[Debbie]

I'll take the head end.

[Eloise]

You don't believe that.

[Debbie]

You do tell some whoppers, Eloise.

[Eloise]

You worry me sometimes, Debbie.

[Debbie]

Hang on a minute. What's that red stuff dripping down your chin?

[Eloise]

What?

[Debbie]

You haven't told me the whole story, have you?

[Eloise]

What do you mean?

[Debbie]

I know what you've been up to.

[Eloise]

It's not how it seems.

[Debbie]

Oh, yes it is. The final, deadly proof is dripping down your chin.

[Eloise]

No, Debbie, you don't understand.

[Debbie]

Tomato ketchup. You and your cheeseburgers.

[Eloise]

Yeah, that's right. Cheeseburgers. Come on, we'll tuck Wayne up on the sofa and let him sleep it off.

[Debbie]

We're going to have a man in our flat.

[Eloise]

Calm down, Debbie. This man is dead to the world.

[Lucretia]

Shut up, Van Helsing. I must get this old school desk ready in time for the first lesson. Now, I'll put the blackboard out there, posters and artwork on the walls and a nature table in the corner. We'll need more bookcases and a school bell. Yes, you can help. And Louise is going to love her new classroom. And I'll be the best teacher. I remember my first lesson with the top vampire professor. Florence Nightingale. Yes, the mother of modern nursing was a bloodsucker. And a damn good one too.

[Debbie]

Helloise.

[Eloise]

Eloise. I know touched him. Oh. Oh. Debbie, what is it?

[Debbie]

It's rain. Something terrible's happened.

[Eloise]

Well, calm down. What's happened?

[Debbie]

I was just gearing up, making a cup of tea and there he was.

[Lucretia]

Gone.

[Debbie]

Disappeared. Vanished.

[Eloise]

Debbie, now think carefully. This is very important. Are there any signs of an epic struggle between good and evil in our living room?

[Debbie]

Such as?

[Eloise]

Blood spattered walls?

[Debbie]

No.

[Eloise]

Grey bleached bones stripped bare of human flesh?

[Debbie]

Sure.

[Eloise]

A rancid pile of smoking ashes left on the sofa? No. Well, he's probably gone to work then.

[Debbie]

Oh, yeah. Silly me.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Good Morning, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, what a powerfully commanding voice you have.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Oh, you look like death warmed up.

[Wayne]

No, I don't feel that good, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

So what were you up to last night, Wayne? Some form of devilry and debauchery, no doubt.

[Wayne]

I'd like to think so, but I can't actually remember.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Beware the temptations of the dark side, wayne.

[Wayne]

Pardon me, Mr. Jenkins, you're a fine.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Figure of a young man, but let's face it, you're not over blessed in the brightness department.

[Wayne]

I was hoping it didn't show, Wayne.

[Mr. Jenkins]

A simple boy like yourself is easily taken advantage of. I'll say no more.

[Wayne]

I wish you would. I haven't a bloody clue what you're talking about.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Language, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Sorry, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Get your apron on, sharpen your little cleaver and bone that joint. We open in 10 minutes. And remember what I said. I'll try opening in 10 minutes. Eloise.

[Debbie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Smiling faces. It's a good morning.

[Eloise]

Not if you're awoken at some unearthly hour by an hysterical flatmate, it's not.

[Wayne]

Hello, Eloise.

[Eloise]

Wayne. How are you today?

[Wayne]

Oh, happier for seeing you, Eloise. We had a great time last night, didn't we?

[Eloise]

It was possibly the most important night of my life.

[Wayne]

Oh, I'm really glad you feel that way. It was a precious moment I shall treasure forever.

[Eloise]

Really? It was good for you as well, then?

[Wayne]

Oh, yes, yes, great. Absolutely brilliant.

[Eloise]

You do remember what happened?

[Wayne]

No.

[Eloise]

Thank goodness for that.

[Wayne]

Can you tell me, did we. Did we. I mean, did we do it?

[Eloise]

Do what?

[Wayne]

You know, it. I mean, I feel dead strange this morning. Sort of drained.

[Eloise]

Oh, drained.

[Wayne]

I've got this huge love bite on my neck.

[Eloise]

Your neck?

[Wayne]

But I must have got really wrecked because I can't remember a thing of what happened. So all I want to know is, did we do it?

[Eloise]

No.

[Wayne]

Oh.

[Eloise]

You sure we didn't do what you're thinking of?

[Wayne]

Good.

[Lucretia]

You?

[Eloise]

Please. Yeah.

[Wayne]

I mean, I'd really like to do what I was thinking of with you. When we both feel we want to do it and we think we're ready to do it, mature enough to handle it. But I'd be completely gutted if I discovered we'd already done what I was thinking of and I couldn't bloody remember it.

[Eloise]

You make less sense every time you open your mouth, Wayne.

[Wayne]

I'm not thick, Eloise. I'm just a bit slow. It's not my fault I was disadvantaged at school.

[Eloise]

How so, Wayne?

[Wayne]

I didn't go. I bunked off and went fishing instead.

[Eloise]

About last night, Wayne. I think you and I, it might be a big mistake. I'm not sure we're well suited, but if you know what I mean.

[Wayne]

All I know, Eloise, is that in my simple and honest way, I love you with all my heart. And whatever happened last night on our first date will live forever in my memory.

[Eloise]

Oh, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Can we go out on another date? I'm free tonight.

[Eloise]

I can't. I've got to. I've got to go to night school.

[Wayne]

Night school?

[Eloise]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

You trying to improve your mind?

[Eloise]

Sort of.

[Wayne]

Maybe I should try that.

[Eloise]

It couldn't hurt.

[Lucretia]

At the end of our castle tour is the library. I've had it done out specially for you, Eloise. Open the door and take a look inside.

[Eloise]

That's a heavy door.

[Lucretia]

Now what do you see?

[Eloise]

It's horrible.

[Lucretia]

I'm sorry, Louise. I didn't mean to frighten you.

[Eloise]

Well, I could take your collection of medieval torture equipment. I didn't bat an eyelid of the coffins, the spiders, bats, cobwebs, anything but this.

[Lucretia]

I thought you'd feel at home.

[Eloise]

At home? It's a classroom.

[Debbie]

Yes, it's just such a shock.

[Eloise]

School days weren't the happiest time of my life and, well, they went on for so long.

[Lucretia]

Oh, don't worry. You just had the wrong teacher. Sit down at your desk and we'll begin.

[Eloise]

All right.

[Narrator]

Now.

[Lucretia]

Please pay attention, Eloise.

[Eloise]

I am.

[Lucretia]

No talking at the back. Open your textbook at page one. So, there are four main blood groups, A, B, A, B and O. Each has a distinct characteristic, and the rarer groups are highly prized for their unique qualities. Human blood is made up of 55% plasma and 45%.

[Eloise]

Back to school.

[Lucretia]

Once a month. This is a very small amount and rarely inconvenient.

[Eloise]

Desks, classrooms, cheap disinfectant, school meals, homework, sick notes.

[Lucretia]

However, our pale skin rules out any thoughts of sunbathing. Total sunblock protection factor 4000 is the.

[Eloise]

Order of the sun, pencil cases, exercise, books, revision.

[Lucretia]

It is always the same. A few bad apples in the dark.

[Eloise]

Put your hand up, answer the question, pick up your pen and start writing. This is an exam. Exam. Exam. Shut up, Van Halsey.

[Debbie]

I'm teaching.

[Lucretia]

Is he distracting you? Eloise?

[Debbie]

Hello.

[Eloise]

Oh.

[Lucretia]

Perhaps that's enough for tonight, but it's essential that you complete your education before embarking on your vampire life.

[Eloise]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lucretia]

Look, one day you will have to train a junior vampire, and then you'll thank me for being such a bloody brilliant teacher.

[Eloise]

All right? No need to get your cape in a twist.

[Lucretia]

Sorry, Eloise. I'm just not used to the responsibility.

[Eloise]

Am I your first trainee, then?

[Lucretia]

Does it show? What was that, the school bell? That's the end of your first GCSE vampire class.

[Eloise]

Great.

[Lucretia]

Before you go, here is your reading list.

[Eloise]

Well, not more books.

[Lucretia]

Transylvanian History, the Gory Bits, a Grace, Anatomy for Vampires, A Year in Provence and Dracula by Bram Stoker. It's a bit of comedy, really, but even vampires enjoy a good laugh.

[Eloise]

Isn't there a way to speed this up a bit?

[Lucretia]

What do you mean?

[Eloise]

A shortcut? A cheats book. Pass notes. You know, all the relevant information in a small, easy to stick in your pocket. Slim volume and it's just. Well, I'm not that bright.

[Lucretia]

Well, there is this.

[Eloise]

Vampire handbook. That's it. Perfect. A practical guide to an alternative lifestyle.

[Lucretia]

But it's no substitute for studying the full texts. Bloody hell, I sound like a real teacher.

[Eloise]

I'll just take this one, thanks, Lucretia. Can't carry all the others on me. Motorbike.

[Lucretia]

Your exam will be one week from today.

[Eloise]

Who's that?

[Lucretia]

It's sort of written test. You answer question, I mark them and give you a grade.

[Eloise]

You're joking. I have to do an exam?

[Lucretia]

Of course you do. It's an easy test. Do your homework and you'll pass with no trouble.

[Eloise]

That's not fair. You never said anything about a test.

[Lucretia]

You wouldn't expect to drive your motorbike without passing a test first.

[Eloise]

I wouldn't have chosen to be a vampire if I knew there were tests.

[Lucretia]

Don't be silly. You didn't choose Eloise. You don't have a choice.

[Wayne]

There you go. Pinty Guinness. Sure you don't want a pasty? We've only got an hour for dinner.

[Eloise]

I'm just not hungry right now, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Crikey, that makes a change.

[Eloise]

What?

[Wayne]

Well, you're a bit of a greedy guts usually.

[Eloise]

Do you want a thick ear?

[Wayne]

No, thank you. I'll just eat me pasty.

[Eloise]

Lovely. Good.

[Wayne]

I'm thinking maybe you're in love.

[Eloise]

What?

[Wayne]

I said maybe you're in love. Maybe that's why you're off your food.

[Eloise]

Wayne, we should sort something out. It's just I'm not like other girls.

[Wayne]

I know. That's why I find you so alluring.

[Eloise]

No, what are you talking about? Alluring.

[Wayne]

It means fascinating, charming, attractive. I've been reading the dictionary. I'm only on a. But I'm improving my word power every day.

[Eloise]

You don't understand. I'm trying to tell you that I'm different.

[Wayne]

Atypical. Not conforming to type. Distinct. Different.

[Eloise]

Just shut up, Wayne, and listen. When I say that I'm different, I mean not like other girls. I mean that I'm special.

[Wayne]

You'll always be special to me.

[Eloise]

No, I mean really special. I know.

[Wayne]

Really special.

[Eloise]

Properly special. Different.

[Wayne]

Atypical.

[Eloise]

Eat your pasty, Wayne.

[Lucretia]

And that's how the early vampires discovered they could survive on animal blood when there was no human blood available, often on long Ship journeys. Rather than frighten the crew, vampires would take a small dog or rabbit with them. A sort of packed lunch. That's all for tonight, Eloise. I take it you're keeping up with your homework.

[Eloise]

Yeah, but I don't think I'm going to be able to take this exam.

[Lucretia]

Why not?

[Eloise]

Well, it's my hand.

[Lucretia]

I noticed the bandage.

[Eloise]

It's. It's broken. I can't write. So I'll just have to skip the test, I suppose.

[Debbie]

Let me see.

[Eloise]

No, it's all right.

[Lucretia]

Don't be shy. I'm your teacher. Here, let me feel. Does that help?

[Eloise]

Yeah. Oh, that's painful.

[Lucretia]

I'm holding your good hand.

[Eloise]

Well, now you've broken that one as well.

[Lucretia]

Well, it doesn't really matter.

[Eloise]

No, silly exam. Who needs them?

[Lucretia]

I mean, you can do still the exam. You can tell me the answers and.

[Eloise]

I'll write them down for you. Great.

[Lucretia]

We'll make a wonderful team. Professor and a pupil. In perfect harmony.

[Eloise]

Oh, bugger.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Debbie, come here this minute.

[Eloise]

Chop, chop.

[Debbie]

I have done nothing, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

I know that. At ease. Can you think of an eight letter word meaning short pithy statement?

[Debbie]

Is this an aptitude test that could shoot me up the Co op career ladder?

[Mr. Jenkins]

No, it's the only clue in the Daily Mail crossword I can't do. On second thoughts, yes, it's an aptitude test that could shoot you up the Co Op career ladder.

[Debbie]

Oh, brilliant. This is just the chance I've been hoping for.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Well, do you know the answer?

[Debbie]

Anteclue. Ask Eloise, she's good with words.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

What do you want?

[Mr. Jenkins]

I've got a question for you.

[Debbie]

It's a test.

[Eloise]

A test?

[Mr. Jenkins]

An eight letter word meaning short pithy statement.

[Eloise]

I'm not thick, you know. I'm just clever in a different way. What is this, a witch hunt? Just leave me alone.

[Wayne]

I think the word you were looking for is aphorism.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Aphorism.

[Eloise]

It fits.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Are you feeling all right, Wayne?

[Wayne]

A new word every day.

[Eloise]

The pumping action of the heart builds up a high pressure in the circulatory system in order to force the blood through the narrow capillaries. Crikey. This is boring. I'll never pass this exam. I'm too dim.

[Debbie]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

You're right in there.

[Lucretia]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

I'm fine. You've been in the bathroom. I know. I'm revising.

[Debbie]

What did you say?

[Eloise]

Come in. It's not locked.

[Debbie]

What you doing with all those books?

[Eloise]

I'm revising for your night school exam. I wish you wouldn't say that word. Now.

[Debbie]

The secret to revision is having a plan. Have you got a plan?

[Eloise]

No.

[Debbie]

Never mind. I always use the same plan. And I think I can still remember it.

[Eloise]

Great.

[Debbie]

You gather all the relevant books around you. That I do it in bed, but it'd probably work in the bath. Then you stay up all night, oversleep for the exam, miss the bus, get all hot and sweaty, panic, arrive two hours late, throw yourself at the feet of the teacher and cry a lot.

[Eloise]

That's your plan?

[Debbie]

It got me four GCSEs.

[Eloise]

I don't think it would work for me.

[Debbie]

Only trying to help.

[Eloise]

Perhaps you could make me another cup of coffee. That would help.

[Debbie]

What's a flatmate for?

[Eloise]

I must keep revising. I've got to pass. What's next? Our Bodies, Ourselves. Vampire Health and Fitness. I can't be bothered with all this. Just one page. There. Common vampire ailments. Modern vampires are immune to most mortal ailments, with the singular exception of chickenpox. Chickenpox. This can be a very serious illness for vampires, resulting not only in a profusion of red spots, but shortness of breath, a sore throat and temporary blindness. Now, this is important information.

[Debbie]

Covered in spots from head to toe.

[Lucretia]

And she was too ill to go to work.

[Debbie]

She's proper poorly. Lucretia.

[Lucretia]

Can I see her?

[Debbie]

She's in her bedroom. You better prepare yourself for a shock. She's not a pretty sight.

[Lucretia]

Eloise.

[Debbie]

Your Auntie Lucretia has come to visit.

[Eloise]

Who's there?

[Lucretia]

It's Lucretia, my dear. You were late for the exam. I was worried.

[Eloise]

Oh, my exam. Oh, I must get up and do my exam.

[Debbie]

You stay right there, madam. Look at her. She's ill.

[Lucretia]

Yes, she's covered in red spots.

[Debbie]

She's very short of breath.

[Eloise]

That's true.

[Lucretia]

Have you got a sore throat?

[Eloise]

Perhaps a little bit.

[Debbie]

She can't see who's speaking.

[Eloise]

Come closer.

[Lucretia]

Temporary blindness.

[Eloise]

Do you know what's wrong with me?

[Lucretia]

I do indeed. What you need is plenty of bed rest.

[Eloise]

If you insist.

[Lucretia]

Forget about the exam. It's not important. You must get fit and healthy. That's your priority.

[Eloise]

Yes.

[Lucretia]

Come on, Debbie. We must let her rest.

[Eloise]

Oh. Oh, yes. It worked. She fell for it. I duped the professor. Student vampire. Eloise one gullible teacher. Lucretia nil. It's not my fault. No one told me I had to be a bloody mastermind to be a vampire. I can suck. What more do they want? I'd only have failed that exam. I'm too old for this school stuff. And I don't feel in the least bit guilty. There is no guilt here. This is a guilt free zone.

[Narrator]

Well, it's very nice to see you again, Lucretia. But I'm not sure I've still got Eloise's old school reports.

[Lucretia]

I just thought. A proud mother's instinct.

[Narrator]

Ah, here we are.

[Lucretia]

Thank you. Exam results. Maths F. English F. Geography F. History.

[Narrator]

F. Science, F. She was always very consistent.

[Lucretia]

Teachers, comments. Eloise tries hard in class, but when it comes to exams, she is a complete duffer.

[Narrator]

We were always very proud of her. I don't know why.

[Lucretia]

These results are terrible.

[Narrator]

I blame the government for abolishing school milk.

[Lucretia]

But she's a bright girl.

[Narrator]

She's got this phobia about exams and tests. Never ever passed one. She nearly drowned trying for a 25 yards breaststroke.

[Lucretia]

But she must pass. There must be some way to help her through this exam.

[Eloise]

Who is it? I guess you're right. The cannons were on Eloise.

[Lucretia]

You're better. It's a miracle. Chickenpox is a serious disease for vampires.

[Eloise]

I know. I read about it in the book. I was only pretending to be ill. Really?

[Lucretia]

What a naughty trick. But you had me fooled.

[Eloise]

What made you come back? I felt guilty. I'm no good at exams, Lucretia. I always fail. I've never passed an exam in my life. I do want to be a good vampire, but I knew I'd fail your test.

[Lucretia]

But this is one exam you must sit.

[Eloise]

I know. So here I am.

[Lucretia]

Very well. Back to your desk. You have two hours to complete the paper. Pick up your pen and begin. Name all the major blood groups.

[Eloise]

Blood groups. Concentrate.

[Lucretia]

Draw a simple map of the human arterial system.

[Eloise]

Must think hard.

[Lucretia]

Fill in the blanks.

[Eloise]

Blanks. Blanks.

[Lucretia]

Transylvanian history is the eternal reality. River of blood. Discuss who with.

[Eloise]

There's only me.

[Lucretia]

Vampires are afraid of A. Garlic B. Process C. Crisp with sharp stakes, face down. Time up. Hand in your paper.

[Eloise]

Could you mark it for me now? Yes.

[Lucretia]

Let me see.

[Eloise]

I tried my best. It was quite difficult. Especially the history section.

[Lucretia]

There you go.

[Eloise]

Let me see. Another F. I failed again. Oh, there's no doubt about it. I'm just plain dumb.

[Lucretia]

That's right, Eloise. You got an F on the part one of your exam. Now part two.

[Eloise]

Part two? I thought that was it.

[Lucretia]

No way. Not so easy. You had to do the practical.

[Eloise]

Oh, you never said anything about this before. So what?

[Lucretia]

Shut up and listen. I'm the teacher. I can do what I want. Okay, first the sucking test. Here is a jumbo, triple thick ice cream milkshake with a curly straw. Most mortals take eight minutes to empty the carton. You may begin sucking.

[Eloise]

Finished?

[Lucretia]

Very good. Now, on the tray in front of you are three wine glasses. I'd like you to taste each one and give me your thoughts.

[Eloise]

All right. Number one. A rich bouquet, light red, slightly fruity, with a pleasant potato aftertaste. I'd say AB Reese's negative from a vegetarian.

[Lucretia]

And a glass too.

[Eloise]

Surprisingly. Full body, smooth flavour, real glogging blood. I'd say that's pig blood. Chateau Le Swine 93.

[Lucretia]

And finally, glass three.

[Eloise]

Deep flavour, meaty, slightly sticky, thick consistency, but it dances on the taste buds. Like a Vegnerian opera. No doubt. That's Heinz tomato ketchup.

[Lucretia]

And that completes your examination. Now, if I just set up the course and add the two parts together, we should have the final result. There you are.

[Eloise]

I can't bear to look. I don't believe it. I passed. I actually passed an exam.

[Lucretia]

Well, I passed.

[Eloise]

I passed. I passed.

[Lucretia]

I got a D. D minus.

[Eloise]

D minus. D minus. I got a D minus. Me. Oh, thank you, Lucretia.

[Lucretia]

Oh, congratulations. I'll prepare your certificate.

[Eloise]

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

[Lucretia]

It must be quite a thrill to finally pass an exam.

[Eloise]

Not that I don't believe I just kissed a teacher.

[Lucretia]

It's just one of the perks of the job.

[Eloise]

I'm doing all right, getting good grades. The future's so bright, I gotta wear a shade. 20th century vampire was written by Joe Turner and starred Louise Lombard, Joanna Kanska, William Ivory, Jane Hazelgrove, Fine Time, Fontaine and Linda Poland. And it was produced by Lizanston.

[Lucretia]

So the moral of tonight's episode is that coursework and practical tests can provide a more accurate assessment of students progress than written exams alone. Education professionals, take a note. This comes from Professor Lucretia, the best vampire teacher in the whole bloody world.