Abbott And Costello 44-12-14 Christmas Shopping For Lous Girlfriend

Summary

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Abbott & Costello: Christmas Shopping for Lou’s Girlfriend

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Air Date: December 1, 2025 (originally aired December 14, 1944)
Main Cast: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, supporting radio cast

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Episode Overview

This classic Abbott and Costello holiday episode is a fast-paced, joke-filled romp set in the days leading up to Christmas. Lou Costello sets off on a frantic mission to buy the perfect Christmas present for his neighbor and romantic interest, Ruby Poolcue, with Bud Abbott acting as both enabler and exasperated straight man. The episode is a showcase of slapstick, wordplay, misunderstandings, and the duo’s signature rapid-fire banter, all framed by the hustle and bustle of wartime Christmas shopping.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedy Segments

1. Opening Antics: Letters from Overseas and Christmas Preparations

• Lou receives a letter from his cousin Hugo in Africa, saying the soldiers will have a "white Christmas" thanks to bleached beans (01:27).
• The duo riffs on buying Christmas seals vs. "shields" and the silliness around selling Christmas presents after receiving them (01:43-02:06).
• Quote:
  • Bud: “I just bought 100 Christmas seals.”
  • Lou: “A hundred Christmas shields. Sure. For goodness sakes, how you gonna feed em?” (01:51)

2. Presents and Practical Jokes

• The two discuss gifts, particularly Lou selling the “electric bed warmer” Abbott gave him—later revealed as a toaster.
  • Lou: “No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed.” (02:18)
• Abbott hints Costello should buy a girdle for his wife Betty, which leads to one of Lou’s signature misdefinitions:
  • Lou: “It’s one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading.” (02:43)

3. Family and Girlfriend Jokes

• Lou reveals he isn’t getting his brother Sebastian a present because he already gave him “the measles” last year (02:55).
• The conversation turns to Costello's attempts to impress Ruby Poolcue, who “got her face caught in a waffle iron,” prompting recurring visual gags about her looks and makeup (03:13).

4. Running ‘Lend Me $50’ Gag (Financial Confusion Classic)

• Bud Abbott “lets” Lou lend him $50, but Lou only has $40; confusion and back-and-forth about who owes whom ensue (05:00-06:23).
• Quote:
  • Bud: “Give me the $40 and you can owe me the 10.”
  • Lou: “Okay, here’s $40.”
  • Bud: “Now I owe you 10.”
  • Lou: “That’s right.” (05:35-05:39)
• Skit plays Abbott and Costello’s signature ‘who’s on first’-style confusion, ending with Lou more in debt than he started.

5. Musical Interlude: “The Trolley Song”

• Featuring singer Connie Haynes, the show transitions with a Christmas shopper–themed musical performance (08:08-10:09).

6. Downtown Shopping Adventures

• The duo navigates crowded streetcars, wisecrack with passengers, and Costello’s complaints about tall and fat people taking his seat (10:09-11:50).
• Lou considers buying his mother a squirrel (for help with housework), justifying it with: “She can tie his tail up and let him run between the venetian blinds” (12:01).

7. Department Store Hijinks

• The arrival of “kid brother Sebastian” (Lou in a high-pitched voice) introduces more gags about skipping school because “the kids do all the work and the teachers get paid for it” (12:46).
• Interview with “Mr. Kitzel”, the comically over-energetic floorwalker, who tries to sell pajamas and a “mohair” easy chair (13:56-14:33).
• Quote:
  • Lou: “Merry Christmas from the waist up.” (14:23, on buying only the top half of pajamas)

8. The Piano Department and Lou’s Girlfriend’s Gift

• More price confusion and punning—Lou contemplates buying a piano, with jokes on the “wood” it's made from (“You think I go around tasting pianos?”) (03:31-04:18).
• Lou claims to be a “piano tuna” and jokes about player pianos and noisy wallpaper (16:09-16:27).

9. Confused Christmas Spirit & Mules Mix-Up

• Lou is stuck on what to buy Ruby. Abbott suggests “mules,” but Lou imagines the farm animal, not the women’s slipper, leading to an escalating misunderstanding (20:16-21:53).
  • Bud: “My wife keeps her mules under the bed.”
  • Lou: “For goodness sakes, don’t the Board of Health complain?” (21:47-21:53)

10. Cosmetics Counter Miscommunications

• A department store clerk tries to help Lou pick out beauty products for Ruby, only for Lou to repeatedly misconstrue “complexion” (speckled like an olive, “pits and all”), “beauty kits” (wants to buy a ‘kit’ because he wants to have ‘kits’ of his own), and “rats” (as in hairnets, but Lou thinks Bud is insulting his father) (22:23-25:09).
• Quote:
  • Lou: “The next morning she broke out in biscuits.” (23:36, after applying a facial kit)

11. Weight-Loss Machine Gag

• Lou’s girlfriend is described as “240 lbs with her girdle on,” and the idea of a reducing machine is introduced. Costello ends up in the machine, which ‘melts’ him into a puddle of water (25:35-26:39).
  • Bud: “All I see is a little puddle of water.”
  • Lou: “Well, don’t step in it.” (26:38-26:40)

12. Closing: A Nod to War Effort and Army Nurses

• Bud and Lou switch to a more serious tone, encouraging listeners—especially nurses—to join the Army Nurse Corps, emphasizing the importance of supporting the war (“give your country the best Christmas present of all”) (28:10-28:33).
• Quote:
  • Lou: “I hope that all the nurses that are listening in tonight will…”
  • Bud: “…join the Army Nurse Corps and give their country the best Christmas present of all.” (28:28-28:33)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On confusing presents:
  • Lou: “No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed.” [02:18]
• On “girdles”:
  • Lou: “It’s one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading.” [02:43]
• On musical instruments:
  • Lou: “What do you think I am, a woodpecker? You think I go around tasting pianos?” [04:11-04:18]
• Classic money confusion:
  • Bud: “Give me the $40 and you can owe me the 10.” [05:35]
  • Lou: “Now I owe you 10.” [05:39]
• On mules (shoes) and misunderstandings:
  • Bud: “My wife keeps her mules under the bed.”
  • Lou: “For goodness sakes, don’t the Board of Health complain.” [21:49-21:53]
• Cosmetics mix-up:
  • Cosmetics Saleswoman: “Does she have a snood?”
  • Lou: “Certainly she’s got a snood… it's a short snood that turns up at the end. She’s a very snooty dame.” [24:15-24:32]
• On facial beauty kits:
  • Lou: “The next morning she broke out in biscuits.” [23:36]
• On losing weight in a fat-melting cabinet:
  • Bud: “All I see is a little puddle of water.”
  • Lou: “Well, don’t step in it.” [26:38-26:40]

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Highlighted Segments and Timestamps

• Letter from Africa & Bleached Beans Joke: [01:27]
• Confused Presents & Girdle Gag: [02:29-02:43]
• Family Disease Gag (Measles): [02:53-02:58]
• Buying a Piano & Wood Flavor Gag: [03:27-04:18]
• Money-Lending Banter: [05:00-06:23]
• Connie Haynes – "The Trolley Song": [08:08-10:09]
• Streetcar Scene: [10:09-11:50]
• Sebastian & School Racket: [12:46-13:02]
• Department Store Antics, Mr. Kitzel Sells Pajamas: [13:56-14:23]
• Piano Department/Piano Tuna Gag: [15:05-16:27]
• Mules (Slippers) vs. Mules (Animal) Routine: [20:16-21:53]
• Cosmetic Counter & Beauty Kit Gag: [22:23-23:44]
• Fat-Melting Cabinet (Weight Loss Gag): [25:45-26:40]
• Army Nurse Corps Call to Action: [28:10-28:33]

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is a perfect encapsulation of Abbott and Costello’s vaudeville routines, reliant on puns, malapropisms, and frenetic exchanges. Even as wartime references and calls for supporting the troops are woven in, the show maintains a buoyant holiday spirit, reminding listeners of the comic relief radio provided during tough times. The comedy is family-friendly, steeped in slapstick, and packed with double entendre and word play.

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For fans of Golden Age radio, this episode is a master class in classic comedic timing and holiday silliness, sure to bring a smile whether for nostalgia or a fresh listen.

Transcript

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[Bud Abbott]

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[Lou Costello]

C A M E L S the.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Avenue Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The swingy singing of Connie Haynes and that great statesman from the dumb Barton Oaks Conference who said.

[Lou Costello]

Hey Castella.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella, come here a minute. Come here will you please? What's all the excitement about? What are you so happy about?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, look at it.

[Bud Abbott]

What?

[Lou Costello]

I just got a letter from my cousin, Corporal Hugo Costello. He's away over in Africa and he says all the soldiers in his company are going to have a white Christmas.

[Bud Abbott]

Why you dummy, it's very hot in Africa. How could the soldiers have a white Christmas?

[Lou Costello]

Their cook is going to bleach the beans.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

The.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. It's about time you were thinking of Christmas. Do you realize there are only eight shopping days left? You know, I just bought. I just bought 100 Christmas seals.

[Lou Costello]

A hundred Christmas shields. Sure. For goodness sakes, how you gonna feed em?

[Bud Abbott]

Look Costell, are you going to make much out of Christmas this year?

[Lou Costello]

Am I what?

[Bud Abbott]

Are you going to make much out of Christmas this year?

[Lou Costello]

I can't tell until I sell the presents I get.

[Bud Abbott]

Sell your presents?

[Lou Costello]

Oh sure, Rabbit, sure.

[Bud Abbott]

What are you talking about?

[Lou Costello]

I even sold that electric bed warmer you gave me last year. That was no good.

[Bud Abbott]

That electric bed warmer. That was an electric toaster.

[Lou Costello]

An electric toaster?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly.

[Lou Costello]

No wonder it kept turning me over and throwing me out of bed.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, well, Castell, I hope you're getting a present for my wife Betty this year. You know, and I'll give you a little tip.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead.

[Bud Abbott]

What she really needs is a new girdle.

[Lou Costello]

A what?

[Bud Abbott]

A girdle. Don't you know what a girdle is?

[Lou Costello]

Oh sure, a girdle. It's. It's.

[Bud Abbott]

It's one of those. What is it?

[Lou Costello]

You got to have it when you. If you don't, you Sort of got that.

[Bud Abbott]

I know.

[Lou Costello]

Come on, you got to.

[Bud Abbott]

What is it?

[Lou Costello]

It's one of those things that keeps an unhappy situation from spreading. Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, what about your own family, Costello? What are you going to give your kid brother, Sebastian?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, him. Nothing.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

I gave him something last year. He didn't like it.

[Bud Abbott]

Then what did you give him?

[Lou Costello]

The measles. And did he use a rash word?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, talk sense, please.

[Lou Costello]

Listen, this year, Abbott, you know what I'm gonna do?

[Bud Abbott]

No, I don't know.

[Lou Costello]

I'm gonna spend all my money on that beautiful girl who lives next door to me. Ruby pool cue.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. Ruby pool cue.

[Lou Costello]

She's beautiful.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, she isn't beautiful.

[Lou Costello]

She is.

[Bud Abbott]

She's got the worst compl ever saw.

[Lou Costello]

Well, she can't help that habit. I mean, she got her face caught in a waffle iron. Now she has to pour her makeup on with a syrup pitcher.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, what are you going to buy for Ruby?

[Lou Costello]

I'm going to buy a piano. A piano?

[Bud Abbott]

What kind of a piano? Maple, walnut or cherry?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'm going to get her one of those kind.

[Bud Abbott]

What kind?

[Lou Costello]

What did you say?

[Bud Abbott]

I said maple, walnut or cherry?

[Lou Costello]

Maple. Wal. Do you realize what you just said?

[Bud Abbott]

What's wrong?

[Lou Costello]

Shame on. Wait a.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

Shame on. Bon habit are you.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, take it easy.

[Lou Costello]

Take it easy in front of Ken Niles, our announcer. Shame on Bonnet.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, Lou.

[Lou Costello]

All right.

[Bud Abbott]

All I said was maple, walnut or cherry.

[Lou Costello]

Here you go again. I'm glad I found you out, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean? What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

You're a spy from the Jello program. A maple, a walnut or cheese. Now, look, look, look. Wait a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, I simply ask you the kind of wood.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, wood. But I know about the wood. What do you think I am, a woodpecker?

[Bud Abbott]

No, certainly not.

[Lou Costello]

You think I go around tasting pianos?

[Bud Abbott]

Did I ask you that?

[Lou Costello]

You think every time I see a piano, I bite it to see what flavor it is?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costella, they make pianos out of different kinds of wood. My mother in law's piano is maple. So she has a genuine bird's eye.

[Lou Costello]

I know that. And she's got an eagle beak to go with it.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, never mind my mother in law. Now, you've got a lot of nerves spending your money on Ruby, a girl you hardly know. You never thought to ask me if I needed money for my Christmas shopping.

[Lou Costello]

Do you need money, Abbott?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, well, now, now. Now that you brought it up.

[Lou Costello]

Now that I brought it up?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, yes, you. You didn't you just ask me if I needed money?

[Lou Costello]

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just seen what loose cork can do when it reaches the enemy's ears. A slip of the lip can't sink a ship. Now it. And I have just been scuttled myself.

[Bud Abbott]

Now look, look, look, look, Costello, all I need is $50.

[Lou Costello]

$50? Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

Now look, if you lend me $50, what security would you want?

[Lou Costello]

A padlock, a pair of handcuffs and a watchdog?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

And put your mama in a dungeon for security? Nah, look, with your father.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, now listen, the only security I can give you is the word of an honest man.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, bring him around. I'll see what I can do for you.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Pastela, you and I are pals. And to show you how much I like you, I'm going to let you lend me the $50.

[Lou Costello]

What happened? All I got in my Christmas Piggy bank is $40.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, all right, give me the $40 and you can owe me the 10.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, here's a $40.

[Bud Abbott]

Okay.

[Lou Costello]

Now I owe you 10.

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

Who owns? Who cares?

[Bud Abbott]

Now wait a minute, just a minute, wait. How much did I ask you for?

[Lou Costello]

You asked me for $50.

[Bud Abbott]

And how much did you give me?

[Lou Costello]

I gave you all I had, $40.

[Bud Abbott]

So you owe me $10.

[Lou Costello]

Well, that's right. Why are you kicking on me?

[Bud Abbott]

That's all right, Let it go with that.

[Lou Costello]

All right, you owe me $40.

[Bud Abbott]

Stella, I don't like the way you're hedging on me.

[Lou Costello]

And I don't like the way you're clipping my head.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, come on, please.

[Lou Costello]

Take it easy. Give me back my $40.

[Bud Abbott]

Okay, okay, if that's way you feel. I don't want to do business with a man like you. Here's your $40.

[Lou Costello]

That's more like it.

[Bud Abbott]

Now give me the 10 you owe me.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, here's your 10. All right, I'm paying you on account.

[Bud Abbott]

On account?

[Lou Costello]

On account. I don't know how come I owe it to you.

[Bud Abbott]

Believe me, this is the last time I'll ever ask you for the loan of $50. Costello. Look, ah, never mind.

[Lou Costello]

How can I lend you $50? Now, I only had $40 to start with. Now I only got $30.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, okay, if it'll make you happy, I'll do you a favor. Give me the $30 and you can owe me 20.

[Lou Costello]

This is getting worse all the time.

[Bud Abbott]

Now wait a minute. Now what's the matter?

[Lou Costello]

First I owed you 10, now I owe you 20. What kind of racket Is that.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, why do you let yourself run into debt?

[Lou Costello]

I didn't run into it. You pushed me. Abbott. Did you ever hear the story of the 40 thieves? Oh, yes. What became of the other 39 I knew the guy that says open says to me. Now listen, I'm surprised I adlibbed that it's fellow I'm supplied.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Please.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, I'm. I. I'm just like Santa Claus.

[Lou Costello]

You're better than Santa Claus.

[Bud Abbott]

You bet I am.

[Lou Costello]

You can give me a sleigh ride without any reindeer. Oh, please.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

You know, it's never very easy to get serious after an hilarious to do with Bud and Lou. But your choice of a cigarette is so important to your throat and your taste. Then I want to take this moment to urge you to try Camels on your T zone. That's T for throat and T for taste. See how your throat reacts to Camel's cool mildness. See how your taste enjoys the rich full flavor of Camel's magnificent blend of costlier tobaccos. You may find that your throat and your taste your T zone. Proclaim Camel your own personal cigarette.

[Bud Abbott]

C A M E L S. Camels.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

The cigarette of Costa. Your tobaccos. Here's lovely Connie Haynes with her Christmas Shopper special. So grab your bundles everybody and let's all take a ride on the truck.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

With my high starch collar and my high top shoes and my hair pop high up on my head I went to lose a jolly upon the trolley and lost my heart instead with his light brown derby and his bright green tie he was quite the handsomest of men I started to yen so I counted to 10 then I counted to 10 again. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ding, ding, ding went the bell Ding, ding, zing went my heart strings for the moment I saw him I fell.

[Lou Costello]

Chug.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Chug, chug went the motor Bump, bump, bump went the brake Thump, thump, thump went my heart strings when he smiled I could feel the car shake he did he slipped his hat and took a seat he said he hoped he hadn't stepped upon my face he asked my name I held my breath, I couldn't speak because he scared me half to death Buzz, buzz, buzz went the buzzer Plop, plop, plop went the wheel Stop, stop, stop went my heart spring as he started to leave I took hold of his heart leave with my hand and as if it were planned he stayed on with me and it was grand just to stand with his hand holding mine to the end of the line.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, Castella. Come on, let's go downtown to our Christmas. Here comes the streetcar.

[Lou Costello]

Clang, clang, clang with the trolley.

[Bud Abbott]

Estella, come here. You want to get hit?

[Lou Costello]

Get out of there.

[Bud Abbott]

Come over here. Stand here in the safety zone.

[Lou Costello]

You know What?

[Bud Abbott]

In the safety zone. Don't you know why those safety zones are here?

[Lou Costello]

Sure, if you can hit inside the white lines, it don't count.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, be quiet, please. Here's the trolley now.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott. What? Look at the crowd on that streetcar.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind. Go on, shove your way in.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Oh, young man, you can't squeeze in here.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, babe, let's wait till we get off. You got your one line, get your dough and get. Hey, you, fat boy. Come on. Drop your fare in a box.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, here's the fair conductor and give us two transfers.

[Lou Costello]

You won't need transfers. No? Then how are we gonna ride our next car without a transfer?

[Bud Abbott]

Just tell the next conductor that Orville sent you.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Uh.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, that guy's off his trolley.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, Come on, Costello. Let's step back in the car and find a seat.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

I.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, look, look.

[Bud Abbott]

Look out for that man with that umbrella. Oh, my goodness. What happened?

[Lou Costello]

Somebody just took my seat. Hey, you little short, fat man, can't you reach that strap? I think so.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Then would you mind letting go of my.

[Lou Costello]

They shouldn't let these tall people on streetcars. You shouldn't bring me on these crowded streetcars, Abbott. My uncle, Artie Stebbins got his eye hurt in this crowded streetcar.

[Bud Abbott]

Got his eye hurt?

[Lou Costello]

Yep, he had his eye on a seat and the fat lady came along and sat on it.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, look, stop this nonsense.

[Lou Costello]

Here, here.

[Bud Abbott]

The car's stopping here. Let's get off. We're far enough downtown anyway. Okay, come on. Get off.

[Lou Costello]

Get off.

[Bud Abbott]

Get off. Get off.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, don't push. Don't push.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm not pushing.

[Lou Costello]

Get off. Hey, habit.

[Bud Abbott]

What?

[Lou Costello]

There's a pet shop. I think I'll go in and get my mother a squirrel for Christmas. She needs a squirrel to help her do housework.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, how could a squirrel help her with the housework?

[Lou Costello]

Well, she can tie his tail up and let him run between the venetian blinds.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be silly. Let's go in here to Bingle's Department Store.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott. Abbott. What? Look who's standing there with a carnation in his buttonhole.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, it's your kid brother, Sebastian. Come here, Sebastian. What are you doing in Bingle's Department Store?

[Lou Costello]

I'm a handyman, Uncle Bud. And today I'm working as a floor walker.

[Bud Abbott]

How can you be A floor walker? You're too little.

[Lou Costello]

Well, they need a little guy like me. You see, when the people block up the aisles, I bite them on the leg and keep moving.

[Bud Abbott]

Castelli, your kid brother has no business in this stall. He should be in school.

[Lou Costello]

I ain't gonna go to school no more, Uncle Bud. School is nothing but a racket.

[Bud Abbott]

School is a racket?

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Yep.

[Lou Costello]

The kids do all the work and the teachers get paid for it. Anyway, I had a fight with my teacher.

[Bud Abbott]

A fight?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, this morning I held up my hand and the teacher said, sebastian, do you want to leave the room?

[Bud Abbott]

And what did you say?

[Lou Costello]

I said, you don't think I'm standing here hitchhiking, do you? Now look, Sebastian, let me go. All right, all right.

[Bud Abbott]

I can imagine. Listen, Sebastian, now if you don't go back to school, I'm not going to give you this beautiful animal picture book for Christmas.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, now, but let me see the animals. Oh, isn't that a pretty nice book?

[Bud Abbott]

Isn't it pretty?

[Lou Costello]

What's the name of this animal over here, Uncle Bud?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, you should know the name of that animal, Sebastian. Just look at that graceful body, the slim legs and the long antlers.

[Lou Costello]

I don't seem to recognize it.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come, Sebastian, you know this animal's name. Here, I'll make it easy for you. What does your mother call your father?

[Lou Costello]

Don't tell me that's a louse.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, look.

[Lou Costello]

Hey. Yeah, but I gotta beat it. Here comes the manager. Hi, I'm Sure Grandy. As a manager, I'm Dandy. Quetzal.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't tell me you're the manager of Vingel's Department Store.

[Lou Costello]

That I am. That I am. My little man. I'm in full charge of the dry goods department.

[Bud Abbott]

How about sundries?

[Lou Costello]

Sundries is my day off. Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you? Here I got some delicious pajamas for only $30. $30 for pajamas? Yeah. Look, Kitzel, here's $15. Just give me the top half. I'll send it to my uncle Mike, Burrell and Patterson.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, Costelli, you can't send just the tops of the pajamas.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure I can't. I'll put a card in it that says Merry Christmas from the waist up.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costelli, you've only got $40. And remember, you wanted to buy an easy chair for your father.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Woo hoo.

[Lou Costello]

And I've got just the easy chair you're looking at. That's a genuine mohair. The seat is covered with mohair, the back is covered with mohair. And it's got a footstool also covered with mohair. Everything is covered with mohair. I'll bet Mo hasn't got a hair left in his head. Mo hasn't got a hair. That's a slick one. So was Mo's head.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Estella, how about that piano you wanted to buy for your girlfriend? Ruby?

[Lou Costello]

Now you're talking.

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[Bud Abbott]

Is a free to play social casino boy. Where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, this is Sarah.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, I'm standing out front of a.m. p.m.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Right now and well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy.

[Lou Costello]

But I like it.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Sure you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell oatmeal. So long you strange soggy. Break up with bland breakfast and taste.

[Bud Abbott]

AM PM's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Made with cage free eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AM PM too much.

[Bud Abbott]

Good stuff.

[Lou Costello]

Language. You know I'm the head fish in the piano department. The head fish? Yeah, I'm a piano tuna. Don't.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, I won't hit you.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Don't worry.

[Lou Costello]

You know, today I got a special on a slightly used player piano with three dozen piano rolls. Oh, I bought a bunch of those music rolls last week and I papered my bedroom walls with them and boy were they noisy.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Noisy?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Every time I sneezed, the walls played. Milkman. Keep those bottles quiet.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Headlines on front pages, cartoons in the magazines, photographs in the picture, publications all saying the same thing. Cigarette shortage. Well, no need to tell you how many cigarettes are going overseas and how much more the people on the home front are smoking these days. And so it's inescapable that sometimes your dealer has to say, no Camels today. But remember this, paste it in your hat and write it in your notebook. Camels. Rich full flavor and cool mildness make them worth asking for the very next time you buy cigarettes. War or peace, Camel is still Camel. Camels, the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. While Abbott and Costello are shopping for an old fashioned Christmas, Freddie Rich Plays an old fashioned song Whiskey.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, please.

[Bud Abbott]

Do you realize we've been walking around the store for over three hours and you haven't bought a thing?

[Lou Costello]

I can't help it. I can't find a pin I like and I don't know what else to get my girl.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, why don't you buy Ms. Pull Q A diamond ring and get.

[Lou Costello]

I can't, I can't. I bought her a beautiful diamond ring last year. It was a beautiful 12 carat stone. What a sparkler. It scares me every time she wears it.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you afraid she'll lose it?

[Lou Costello]

No, but if she ever drops it, she'll have seven years bad luck.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be silly, Costello. Say, have you noticed how bright and happy and cheerful all the shoppers are?

[Lou Costello]

They should be.

[Bud Abbott]

Have you noticed all that?

[Lou Costello]

Well, look at that gaiety. They're all full of the spirit of mule tide.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, the mule tide is all mule tide.

[Lou Costello]

Mule tied mule tide.

[Bud Abbott]

You mean Yuletide.

[Lou Costello]

I'll tide. What?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

But speaking.

[Bud Abbott]

Speaking of mules. Hey, here's the shoe department. Now that gives me a very, very bright idea. Why don't you buy your girlfriend a pair of mules?

[Lou Costello]

A pair of what?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you say to a pair of mules?

[Lou Costello]

I say whoa or get out. I mean, if he's stubborn, I whip him.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, look, I'm talking about a jockey like Bailey.

[Lou Costello]

I put him on and whipping good. All right, look at him in.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you listen to me, please? I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mules.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, what?

[Bud Abbott]

Bedroom mules?

[Lou Costello]

Bedroom mules?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mules, green mules. She even has a pair of checkered mules.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, did you see all these different colored mules with your own eyes?

[Bud Abbott]

Why, certainly, I. Why not? I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning. All the colored mules. Every one of them.

[Lou Costello]

Let me smell your bread.

[Bud Abbott]

There you are.

[Lou Costello]

I'll behave.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, you dummy, doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom?

[Lou Costello]

No. My father's very particular.

[Bud Abbott]

When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet?

[Lou Costello]

Cornflash.

[Bud Abbott]

That's the.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, no, no. Please, please, Lo.

[Bud Abbott]

She must have some kind of mules. Look, there are two kind of mules. Silk and felt.

[Lou Costello]

Felt?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, yes, yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules?

[Lou Costello]

No, sir. She never touches any kind of animal.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come, come.

[Lou Costello]

Especially when she's cooking.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, now, look, look, forget about the animal, please. Look, every woman Likes mules. My wife uses a pair of mules to go around the house in.

[Lou Costello]

What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? No, no.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, when she gets up in the morning she always slips on her mule.

[Lou Costello]

It's her own fault. Why don't she keep mine in the backyard?

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, my wife needs her mules to keep her feet warm.

[Lou Costello]

You mean you all sleep in the same bed?

[Bud Abbott]

Sleep in the same bed? My wife keeps her mules under the bed.

[Lou Costello]

For goodness sakes, don't the Border health complain.

[Bud Abbott]

Let's skip the whole thing. Here I am trying to help you with your Christmas shopping and what do I. A lot of idiotic talk.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Oh, pardon me, gentlemen. Is there anything I can do for you? We carry a full line of cosmetics. Rouge powder, lipstick, face cream and cleansing tissue.

[Lou Costello]

Cleansing what?

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Tissue, tissue.

[Lou Costello]

Well, it seems kind of tilly, but if you want to tiss me, go.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Ahead, you kiss me and I.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, this lady is trying to help you.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, now you stop talking like that. No, no, no, no, no, no. She's trying to help you, that's what she's trying. Oh, this is.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

I have some lovely perfumes. Here, take a whiff of this. It's called One Night in Paris.

[Lou Costello]

One Night in Paris? Yes. Take a whiff of this.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

My goodness, what is that?

[Lou Costello]

Five Days at the Racetrack?

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, look, let me handle this, please. Look, madam, my friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his girl for Christmas.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Oh, well, maybe I can help.

[Bud Abbott]

I wish you would.

[Lou Costello]

Please. Yeah.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

What kind of a complexion does your girlfriend have? Is she fair, dark or medium?

[Lou Costello]

She's speckled.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Speckled? Do you mean she has a complexion of an olive?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma'. Am. Pits and all.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Well, from your description of the girl, I imagine she could use one of our facial kits.

[Lou Costello]

One of your what?

[Bud Abbott]

The lady wants to sell you a kit.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I want to buy a kit. For I'm going to get married and have kits of my own.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

No, no, no, you see, you don't understand. This is a beauty kit with full instructions. All your girlfriend has to do is apply some of this lotion. Then she covers her face with the white of an egg, some sour cream.

[Lou Costello]

And a keg of yeast. Oh, she did that once. Yeah.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

The next morning she broke out in biscuits. Kiss. You get the kisser on.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind, Clyde, never mind. No remarks, Costello, please.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Silly, silly boy. You. You tickle me.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, here we go again. You tickle me first. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yabba. You Tissed her.

[Bud Abbott]

I will not.

[Lou Costello]

Please, please. Where did I leave off?

[Bud Abbott]

Costello? Look, if you don't buy something pretty soon, I'm going to walk out and leave you.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Oh, now, just a moment, boys. Now, how about something.

[Lou Costello]

I found it. Go ahead. Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

What were you saying?

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

I don't want you to get away. Now, how about something for the young lady's hair? Does she have a snood?

[Lou Costello]

Certainly she's got a snood.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Yeah. Well, is it a long snood that hangs down her back?

[Lou Costello]

No, it's a short snood that turns up at the end. She's a very snooty dame.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, the lady is talking about your girlfriend's hairdo.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

What's your girlfriend's hairdo?

[Lou Costello]

What's her hairdo?

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Yeah, that's what I said.

[Lou Costello]

It comes out when she combs it.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, we're trying to find out. How does she. How does she do. What does she do with her hair? Does she pile it on top of her head or does she drop it down her neck?

[Lou Costello]

She just hangs it in the cloth.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, you dummy.

[Lou Costello]

Some. Some women.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, some women wear buns in their hair and some have rats.

[Lou Costello]

Rats?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, yes. My mother had a rat in her hair for years.

[Lou Costello]

That's no way to talk about your father.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costella, does Ms. Poolcue wear her hair off her face?

[Lou Costello]

No, it takes too long to wear it off. She has to pull it out with a tweeze.

[Bud Abbott]

That's no way to talk about your girlfriend. That's slander.

[Lou Costello]

Slander? Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't you know what slander is?

[Lou Costello]

Sure, slander. Yes. Tall and skinny. And that has nothing to do with my girl. She's short and fat like me, only I'm prettier than she is.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Say you say your girl is short and fat. I've got just the Christmas present for her. Our special weight reducing machine called the Melt yout Belt Away Fat Cabinet. There it is, standing right there, Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

That sounds good. How much does your girl weigh?

[Lou Costello]

240Lbs with her girdle on.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Well, how much does she weigh with it all?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know. She's never been able to get it off.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Well, now, this machine will take your girl's fat off. If you don't believe it, get into the machine and try it yourself.

[Bud Abbott]

Now that's fair enough. That's fair enough. Get it in the machine, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I said I don't want to get out. If it works, I won't. Get in there. Come on, get in there.

[Bud Abbott]

Get in there.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

Now that's a good boy. Now we'll turn on the machine and you'll see how it melts the fat away in no time.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Costello, where are you? Speak to me. Costello, where are you?

[Lou Costello]

I'm right here, rabbit, but all I.

[Bud Abbott]

See is a little puddle of water.

[Lou Costello]

Well, don't step in it.

[Cosmetics Saleswoman]

It's me.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Evan and Castella will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the Yanks of the week. Tonight we salute Sergeant Benjamin F. Lambeth of Asheboro, North Carolina. Awarded the Silver Star for his gallantry in action in Italy. In one mission he is credited with killing 25 Nazis, wounding five more and scattering the rest in confusion. In your honor, Sergeant Lambeth, the makers of Camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 Camel cigarettes. Each of the three Camel radio shows honors the Yank of the week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week in this country. The camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Are rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now here are Bud and Lou with the final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, you bought presents for everybody.

[Lou Costello]

I hope you're very, very happy, Abbott. I could be a lot happier.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, if I was only a nurse, I. Huh. A nurse, that's right. What would you do if you were a nurse?

[Lou Costello]

You know, Abbott, I read in a paper today that there's an urgent need for more army nurses.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh yes, yes, I know about that. And do you know, Lou, that any nurse who enters the Army Nurse Corps now will enter with the rank of second lieutenant. And there is ample opportunity for advancement.

[Lou Costello]

You know, I hope that all the nurses that are listening in tonight will.

[Bud Abbott]

Join the Army Nurse Corps and give.

[Lou Costello]

Their country the best Christmas present of all.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Yes, girls, write immediately to the Surgeon General, United States Army, Washington D.C. or call at your nearest Red Cross chapter.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folks. Good night, everybody.

[Lou Costello]

Good night everybody. And I hope Commander Horsel feels much better. Good night to everybody in Patterson.

[Camel Cigarette Announcer]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show. And remember, try Camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you. Here's a Christmas gift that will bring the man who gets it a lot of pleasure long after Christmas is over. A generous pound or half pound package of Prince Albert's smoking tobacco with the bright holiday band. Every time he packs and lights his favorite pipe with this favorite tobacco, he will think of your thoughtfulness. His taste will thank you for the full, rich yet mild flavor. His tongue will thank you for Prince Albert's gentleness due to the no bite treatment. Another thing men like about Prince Albert is the crimp cut which guarantees perfect packing, smooth drawing and even burning right down to the last puff. You really make a pipe smokers Christmas merry when you give him Prince Albert tobacco. The Abbott and Costello show for Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

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[Bud Abbott]

Is a free to play Social Casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.