Abbott And Costello 47-04-10 Nuts And Bolts

Summary

Abbott and Costello 47-04-10 "Nuts and Bolts"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Date: January 16, 2026 (original air date: April 10, 1947)
Episode Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Overview

This episode of the classic Abbott and Costello radio show, titled "Nuts and Bolts," is a vibrant showcase of the duo’s legendary wordplay, rapid-fire puns, and slapstick humor. As always, the show is packed with miscommunication, wacky scenarios, and running gags. The main plot follows Costello’s misadventures as he attempts to find gainful employment, first at a nut and bolt factory, and later as a door-to-door salesman of “Chief Schmo’s Spot Remover” and “Indian Water,” leading to a series of escalating comedic misunderstandings.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Looking for Work: Nut and Bolt Factory Bit

• Abbott proposes work: Abbott asks Costello why he doesn’t get a good job, recounting his brother’s experience at the nut and bolt factory.

• Classic misunderstanding: The conversation devolves into a farcical back-and-forth about “doing nothing” and “nutting,” a showcase of Abbott and Costello’s layered wordplay.

  • Sample Exchange:
    • Costello: “He gets paid for doing nothing?”
      Abbott: “Certainly.”
      Costello: “If I get a job at the nut and bolt factory, what would I be doing?” Abbott: “Nutting.”
      [04:51–04:54]
    • The confusion grows when Abbott adds that sometimes his brother does “knotting” at a rope factory, spinning the word in new directions.
      • Costello: “This guy’s been getting away with murder. Up to now, he’s been doing nothing and knotting.” [05:35–05:41]

2. Costello’s Get-Rich-Quick Schemes and Quiz Shows

• Costello suggests that working is for “suckers,” explaining he’d rather go on quiz shows like his Aunt May, who won extravagant prizes “and she was one of the losers.” [10:21–10:34]
• He plans to make a fortune selling “Chief Schmo’s Spot Remover,” despite the absurd challenge: “I can win the $500 grand prize by selling 175 million bottles.”
  • Abbott: “There are only 130 million people in the United States.”
    Costello: “So what? I’ve got friends in Mexico.” [10:58–11:02]

3. The Chief Schmo’s Spot Remover Scheme

• Meeting Chief Schmo: Costello and Abbott visit Chief Schmo, who presents himself with puns such as, “As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the chief.” [11:31–11:39]
• Chief Schmo quizzes Costello on his qualifications in a mock-serious fashion:
  • “Were you born? Well, I’ll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower.” [12:24–12:34]
• Sales Training: Chief Schmo gives Costello ridiculous sales advice, like sticking his foot (or head) in the door to prevent it from slamming.
• The “12 foot pole” gag: If Costello sells enough bottles, he wins a 12-foot pole—“for girls you can’t touch with a 10-foot pole.” [13:43–13:45]

4. Door-to-Door Antics: Failed Sales and More Misunderstandings

• Failed Sale #1: To Marilyn Maxwell, Costello ruins a dress with spot remover.
• Failed Sale #2: To Mrs. Wetwash, who mistakes Costello for a garbage can and then a “pot remover.” Costello takes the chief’s advice, sticks his head in the door, and gets it slammed—leading Mrs. Wetwash to feel sorry and buy his entire stock.
  • Costello (dazed): “Yes. Slam the door on my head again.” [17:53]

5. Chief Schmo’s Indian Water—Another Scheme

• Chief Schmo now wants Costello to help sell 980 bottles of “Schmo’s Indian Water,” a supposed elixir of youth.
• Comedic chemistry: Costello riffs on chemical formulas before quipping that “Ethel Schultz… that’s her phone number. If a man answers, that’s the wrong formula.” [23:34–23:45]
• Elixir/elixir/pun: Another misunderstanding arises over the word “elixir.” Costello takes “he licks her” literally, fearing the squaw is being beaten, to which Abbott explains the pun. [24:07–24:40]

6. Pitching the Miracle Tonic—Chaos Ensues

• Costello and Chief Schmo attempt to sell the elixir to an assembled crowd, boasting the Chief is “239 years old.”
• Costello embellishes: “You couldn’t prove it by me, lady, I’ve only been with him 146 years.” [26:03–26:08]
• Arrested: A policeman interrupts, questioning the con, and hauls both Abbott and Costello off in a patrol wagon.
  • Abbott: “Costello will be 146 years old by the time he gets out of jail.” [26:31]

7. Elixir Hijinks and Classic "I'm a Bad Boy" Signoff

• In the patrol wagon, Costello drinks the youth elixir, reverts to a child, and takes refuge in the old “bad boy” bit.
  • Abbott: “Costello, I don’t see you. All I see is a fat little boy.”
    Chief Schmo: “That stuff works!” [27:08–27:20]
  • After being scolded for hitching a ride on the patrol wagon, he sheepishly admits: “Oh, I’m a bad boy.” [27:56–28:09]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Nut and Bolt Factory Routine

• Costello: “He gets paid for doing nothing?”
• Abbott: “Certainly.”
• Costello: “If I get a job at the nut and bolt factory, what would I be doing?”
• Abbott: “Nutting.”
• Costello: “Now you’re talking. That’s the kind of job I want.”
  • [04:49–04:55]

Chief Schmo’s Application

• Chief Schmo: “Were you born? Well, I’ll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower.”
  • [12:24–12:34]

Spot Remover Sales Pitch

• Chief Schmo: “If you sell those bottles, you get a 12-foot pole.”
• Costello: “What’s that for?”
• Schmo: “For girls you can’t touch with a ten-foot pole.”
  • [13:43–13:45]

Mrs. Wetwash After Slamming Costello’s Head

• Mrs. Wetwash: “I'll buy all your spot remover! … I’ll kiss you and kiss you!”
• Costello: “Yes. Slam the door on my head again.”
  • [17:40–17:53]

The “Elixir”/“He licks her” Mixup

• Chief Schmo: “His squaw stirs the mixture all day… And at night, when it’s finished, elixir!”
• Costello: “I’m going to report this … at night the sinian comes along and he licks her. … If he licks her tonight, he'll have to lick me too!”
  • [24:07–24:29]

Selling Indian Water

• Chief Schmo: “I am 239 years old...I’ve worn out four Shaver Lifetime Pens.”
• Costello: “You couldn’t prove it by me, lady, I’ve only been with him 146 years.”
  • [25:34–26:08]

Classic Costello “Bad Boy” Routine

• Officer: “How many times have I told you kids not to hitch rides on the patrol wagon?”
• Costello (as child): “Oh, I’m a bad boy.”
  • [27:56–28:09]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Nut and Bolt Routine: 04:30–06:34
• Quiz Shows/Wacky Jobs: 10:21–11:25
• Chief Schmo Interview: 11:31–13:07
• Door-to-Door Sales Escapades: 13:54–17:53
• Indian Water/Elixir Gags: 22:07–24:46
• Pitch to the Crowd/Getting Arrested: 25:09–26:43
• Patrol Wagon and Transformation Bit: 26:46–28:09
• Sign-off "I'm a Bad Boy": 27:56–28:09

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Final Notes

“Nuts and Bolts” is vintage Abbott and Costello—a fast-paced episode packed with wordplay, clever puns, and thoroughly silly misunderstandings. The chemistry between Abbott (as the exasperated straight man) and Costello (as the befuddled innocent) drives the humor from the opening job routine through to the wacky “elixir of youth” climax. If you enjoy quick-witted vaudevillian banter and classic slapstick, this Golden Age radio comedy delivers it in spades.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

C, A, M, E, L, S. That's right, folks. C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis. L for Lou Costello. Put them all together and they spell Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel show starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello.

[C]

Hey, Costello. Hey, Costell Costello.

[D]

Come over here. Hey, by the way, what were you.

[C]

Doing at Universal International Studios this morning?

[D]

Oh, I had to take my pet flies over there.

[C]

You took flies to a picture studio?

[D]

What for? To get them a screen test.

[C]

I. You idiot.

[E]

Who.

[C]

Who was that red headed.

[F]

Hey, Low.

[C]

Who was that red headed girl that was with you?

[D]

Oh, she's been chasing after me for years, Abbott. I call her Pilot Light.

[C]

Pilot Light?

[D]

Yeah, she's an old flame that stayed lit. But she's a lovely girl, Abbott. She's very social.

[C]

Does she. Does she have good connections, Lou?

[D]

I beg your pardon?

[C]

Does she have good connections?

[D]

Well, she never fell apart while I was with her.

[C]

No, no, no, I'm talking about her connections. What are her associates? Does she belong to the Junior League?

[D]

Belongs to the Junior League? No, she belongs to the Coach League. She used to pitch for the San Francisco Seals.

[C]

Estelle. I'm talking about the Junior League Society. Has she come out yet? Has she made her daybo?

[D]

Her what?

[C]

Her debut.

[D]

Oh, sure. Every time she comes out. Debut.

[A]

Debut.

[D]

All right. They say, boo, give me the house. Hey. But she's very. She's very High tone. Habit.

[C]

What do you mean?

[D]

She was born in the south of England.

[C]

Oh, I see. Her family came from Wales.

[D]

Her family came from Wales?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

I thought her conversation sounded a little fishy.

[B]

Oh, dog.

[C]

Dog's heads, please. Wales is part of England. That means they're English people. Now, what does her father do?

[D]

He's got a big diplomatic job with a bakery.

[C]

A diplomatic job in a bakery?

[D]

Yeah, in Helm's Bakery. He's a British advisor to the English crumpets.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Forget about her father.

[D]

What does she do? What does she do?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Well, she weighs 250 pounds and she's got a big job as a sand hog.

[C]

Now, how could a woman be a sand hog?

[D]

She sits around the beach all day and hogs the sand.

[C]

Sounds like quite a family. Are they wealthy?

[D]

Wealthy, Abbott? They got a chateau in France, a villa in Switzerland, a castle in Spain and a hacienda in Mexico.

[C]

Where do they live?

[D]

In a qu. At Hutton, Glendale.

[C]

Glasdale. You're wasting your time with these people. Why don't you get yourself a good job?

[D]

I had a good job once. Habit. I worked for a foot doctor. I used to put bird seed in people's shoes.

[C]

Bird seed in people's shoes?

[D]

Sure. That keeps their pigeon toes away from their corn.

[C]

Castella clean. Look, Estelle, I'm only trying to help you. Look, why don't you listen to me? You can change. I used to be dumb like you once. I was ignorant, stupid and ugly. And do you know what? What caused the change?

[D]

What change?

[E]

I.

[C]

There must be some way to get you a job. Wait a minute. I've got it. I'll speak to Harry Ridoff about you. Wait a minute. Better still, I'll have my brother get you a job where he works at the nut and bolt factory.

[D]

Your brother works in a nut and bolt? Yes. What's he doing there?

[C]

Nothing.

[D]

Nothing. He just said he was working.

[C]

He is working.

[D]

Doing what?

[C]

Nothing.

[D]

And he gets paid for doing nothing?

[C]

Certainly.

[D]

Hey, but if I get a good job at the nutting bolt factory, what would I be doing?

[C]

Nutting.

[D]

Now you're talking. That's the kind of job I want.

[C]

Ah, you idiot. Nutting is hard work. My brother puts in eight hours a.

[D]

Day, five days a week doing nuttin'.

[F]

That's right.

[D]

Look, Abbott, your brother works in the Nuttin Bolt factory? Yes. Are you sure he don't do nothing besides nutting?

[C]

Well, sometimes he works in the foundry department. Then he forges, steals.

[D]

How do you like that? He ain't satisfied getting paid for doing nothing. Now he forges and steals. Abbott, your brother is a crook.

[C]

He is not a crook.

[D]

Definitely.

[C]

He's worked hard all before. He worked in the nut bowl factory. He worked in a rope factory.

[D]

What's he doing in a rope factory?

[C]

Nothing.

[D]

Well, that's different. I mean. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you say he was doing in a rope factory?

[C]

Nodding. Nodding.

[D]

This guy's been getting away with murder. So far he's had two jobs. Up to now, he's been doing nothing and nothing.

[C]

Costell, listen to me and I'll try to explain it so that even you can understand. Thank you. The rope factory makes tennis nets.

[F]

What?

[C]

Nets.

[F]

Nets and nets to you too.

[C]

Now, that's inconvenient. My brother made tennis nets. The nets are tied together with knots, and my brother does knotting.

[D]

Just a second, Abbott. When did your brother start knotting?

[C]

Knotting? Oh, about three years ago.

[D]

What's he doing now?

[C]

I told you, nutting.

[D]

Look, up to now. You told me less than that. You said your brother did nutting for three years and now he's doing nutting. When is he gonna start doing something?

[C]

He is doing something.

[D]

What?

[C]

Nutting.

[D]

Nuttin is something.

[F]

Well, lavender.

[D]

One of us is nuts. Look, don't your brother get tired of doing nuttin?

[C]

Oh, of course. When he gets tired, he takes a vacation.

[D]

What does he do on his vacation?

[C]

Nothing.

[D]

Now, a pretty picture. This guy does nothing for three years. But doing nothing is too tough for him. So he gets a new job doing nothing. Then he gets tired of doing nothing, so he takes a vacation and does nothing.

[C]

Now you've got it.

[D]

Well, if I got it, I caught it from you.

[B]

Experience is the best teacher. Three running steps a bound from the.

[C]

Springboard high into the air and straight.

[B]

Down into the water for a perfect jackknife dive. Once again, the crowd cheers. Blonde, beautiful Mildred o', Donnell, Metropolitan diving.

[C]

Champion of New York.

[B]

It takes experience to dive like that.

[E]

As Ms. O' Donnell said, Experience is.

[G]

The best teacher in diving. And that goes for smoking too. I learned from experience that Camel is the cigarette for me.

[B]

Yes, experience is the best teacher. And the experience of smoking whatever cigarette brands they could get during the wartime shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Then is when folks T zones, that's T for taste and tea for throat. Learned that Camels suited them best. The result?

[E]

Today, more people smoke Camels than ever before.

[B]

Get acquainted with Camels rich, full flavor and cool mildness. See if Camels don't suit your T zone to a T. Yes, experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. And while you light up a camel, Skinny Anna sings. My number one dream came true.

[H]

A million times a day I pinch myself and say. My number one dream came true. And if I rub my eyes it's only in surprise. My number one dream came true. I had my number two and three and four dreams. With lots of possibilities in each. I might have planned on dreaming even more dreams. Cause number one was way beyond reach. I can't believe it yet. But if my fate was set, it did what I wanted to. Don't ask me when or why or how. But if I'm here with you. My number one dream came true. I had my number 2 and 3 and 4 dream. With lots of possibilities in each. I might have planned on dreaming even more dreams. Cause number one was way beyond reality. I can't believe it yet. But if my fate was set, it did. Why I'd want it to. Don't ask me when or why or how. But if I'm here with you. My number one dream came true.

[C]

Pastello, it's time for you to start thinking of the future. Why don't you get a good job, be industrious, keep your nose to the grindstone, save your money, and in 10 years you can retire and you won't have to work.

[D]

Lou, why should I go through all that? I'm not working now.

[C]

I don't believe you ever had a job.

[D]

Oh, a guy's a sucker to work, Abbott. All you gotta do is go on one of those quiz programs. The other night, my aunt May won $9,000 in cash, a refrigerator, two washing machines and a brand new house.

[C]

Well, that's wonderful.

[D]

Yeah, and she was one of the losers.

[C]

Costello, please. Aren't you interested in betting yourself? Why don't you find an honest job?

[B]

What?

[D]

And quit radio?

[C]

I don't. Why don't you look at the ads in the paper and find a job for yourself?

[D]

Oh, I got a job all picked out, Abbott. You have? I saw an ad in the funny papers. It said, sell 24 bottles of cheap Schmoes Spot Remover and get a magic lantern free. I can also win the $500 grand prize by selling 175 million bottles.

[C]

Oh, Costello, there are only 130 million people in the United States.

[D]

So what? I got friends in Mexico.

[C]

Well, now, wait a minute. Selling Spot remover is better than doing nothing at all. Come on, let's go over and see this Chief Schmo. Well, here it is, Costello. See the sign on the door? Chief Schmo's Indian Remedy Company Spot Remover.

[D]

Indian Tonic, Scalp Treatments and Tommy Hook Sharpen.

[B]

Yeah?

[C]

Well, come on, let's go in.

[F]

Well, good morning, gentlemen. As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the chief.

[C]

Costella. Hey, this guy don't look like an Indian to me.

[D]

Sure he is. I can tell by the way he's dressed. He's wearing an arrow collar and a bow tie. Get it? Bow and arrow. Get your catchers, m'. Davit. I'm pitching em in air tonight.

[C]

Fire Costello Choir. Chief Schmo, my friend Costello Ridge rather than the funny papers. And he'd like to try selling your spot remover.

[F]

Well, to be a chief schmo salesman, Costello, you'll have to have fire in your voice. You've got a glow with feeling, blaze with personality.

[D]

What do you want, a salesman or a blowtorcher?

[C]

Gee, do you think Costello can handle his job?

[F]

Costello, we'll have to fill out this application form. I'll read the questions and when they apply to you, just answer yes. Were you a college graduate? Were you a high school graduate? Were you a grammar school graduate?

[B]

Were you born?

[F]

Well, I'll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower.

[C]

Costello, I'll.

[F]

Our personnel is highly restricted. Specially selected. We demand the highest qualifications. What makes you think you can be a cheap schmo salesman?

[D]

When I saw your ad in the funny papers.

[F]

Oh, good. For a while I didn't think you had the qualification. Now, before you go out to sell Chief Schmo's spot remover, I want to give you a few pointers about being a door to door salesman.

[D]

I don't want to be a door salesman who wants to sell doors. I want to sell spot remover.

[F]

Now, young man, when I say you sell door to door, I don't mean you sell doors. I mean that you sell spot remover even though you're selling door to door.

[D]

How do you like that? Now, the Indians aren't doing our routine.

[F]

Now, Costello, when a housewife tries to slam the door on you, make sure your foot is in the way.

[D]

But my foot might get hurt.

[F]

In your case, stick your head in the door. Now, here's your 24 bottles of spot remover in your sample case. Sell these and you get the magic lantern.

[C]

Wait a minute, let me get this right, Chief. If Costello sells the 24 bottles in one day, he not only gets the magic lantern, but also a special prize.

[F]

That is correct. This week we have a very valuable prize. A genuine 12 foot pole.

[D]

12 foot pole? What's that for?

[F]

That's for girls you can't touch with a 10 foot pole. Get going and sell that spot remover.

[C]

Hey, Costello, there's a woman right over there. Costello, why don't you make her your first customer?

[D]

Okay, That's a good idea. Pardon me, miss.

[G]

Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello. You fought little mon?

[C]

You. Costello is selling spot remover.

[G]

Oh, fine. I'd love to patronize him, but I'm very busy. I'm on my way to OMG ARM Studios.

[F]

OMG ARM Studios?

[D]

Why, Abbott, you heard of OMG ARM Studios? That's where they make poachers with Clark Goble Luna Tuna and Mookie Rooney.

[G]

Did you ever.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[G]

Did you ever act at Om Geom with sponsor Trucy?

[D]

No, but I was a kooboy at.

[F]

Republic with Rui Rogers.

[G]

Well, I must be totaling along, as we say in Norway. Norwegian. Arvad arbourste durable Gunka nakiska to you.

[D]

And a wad of busted bubble gum. And a kisser to you too. Hiya, fellas. Well, it's Skinny Ennis.

[C]

Hey, Skinny. Castella's selling spot remover. Would you like to buy some? No, thanks, I don't need any.

[D]

Oh, you don't, eh? You certainly do. Look at the stains on your necktie. I can tell everything you had for lunch. Shrimp clam chowder, lamb chops and coffee. Why, there's only one clean spot on your whole necktie.

[H]

I know.

[C]

I'm saving that for dessert. Never mind him, Costello. Hey, look, here comes Marilyn Maxwell.

[G]

Oh, Lewis, the most wonderful thing has happened. I've just been chosen California's queen of the orange groves.

[D]

Marilyn, can I be your smudge pot?

[G]

Aw, Louis, you're so cute.

[D]

Marilyn, can I come over to your house tonight?

[G]

Not tonight, Lewis. I'm washing my dog.

[D]

How about tomorrow night?

[G]

Well, tomorrow night I'm taking my dog to the dog show.

[D]

How about Saturday night?

[G]

Saturday night? I'm busy.

[D]

What's your dog doing?

[C]

Marilyn Costello's selling spot remover. Would you like to buy a bottle?

[G]

Well, is it any good?

[D]

Oh, sure, that's my line. Certainly it's good. I'll show you. Oh, there's a little spot on your dress. Now I soak my handkerchief with a spot remover and rub it on your dress. Don't just stand there, rabbit, throw a blanket around her.

[G]

Louis, you ruined my dress. Goodbye.

[C]

Well, Costelli, you certainly lost Marilyn for a customer. Well, come on, let's Go in here to Mrs. Wetwash's house.

[G]

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.

[D]

Oh, my.

[G]

I wonder who left that garbage can.

[F]

On my front stool.

[G]

Oh, pardon me. That's Costello.

[D]

Oh, Mrs. Whitwash, we don't want to bother you if you have company. Company?

[G]

Why, I'm here all alone.

[D]

Then who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Oh, pardon me. That's your ears.

[C]

Quiet, Costella.

[F]

Quiet.

[D]

Quiet.

[C]

Mrs. Whitewash. Costella's selling spot remover.

[G]

What?

[D]

What is that?

[C]

He's selling spot remover.

[G]

Selling it? He ought to drink something.

[C]

Drink? Spot remover.

[G]

Spot remover. Oh, I thought you said pot remover. Now get out of here before I slam the door on you.

[C]

Come on, Costello.

[D]

Come on. Okay. No, no, we can't. Remember what Chief Schmo said. If a woman tries to close the door, stick your head in it. Go ahead, slam the door, Mrs. Whitwash.

[G]

All right.

[C]

Mrs. Whitewash, you've slammed the door on Costello's head.

[F]

Oh, my poor little man.

[G]

I'll buy all your spot. Remove every bottle. I'll stroke your head until the swelling goes down. And then I'll put my arms around you, cuddle you close to me and I'll kiss you. You and kiss you and kiss you and kiss you. Costello, can you hear me?

[D]

Yes. Slam the door on my head again.

[B]

Camel presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden May, producers of Sea of Grass. And here's Marilyn to sing for Camel fans everywhere.

[G]

There is no greater love than what I, I feel for you. No greater love, no heart so true. There is no greater thrill than what you bring to me. No sweeter song than what you sing to me. You're the sweetest thing I have ever known. And to think that you are mine alone. There is no greater love in all the world, it's true. No greater love than what I feel for you. No greater love, no heart so true. No sweeter song than what you sing to me. Sweetest thing, I know you are mine. Allah. There is no greater love in all the world. It's true. No greater love than baby, what I feel for you.

[B]

Plenty of smokers say that the first time Camels in their T zones, that's T for taste and tea for throat. Got acquainted, some mighty pleasant things began to happen. Well, why not see for yourself if Camel's rich full flavor doesn't win a fast and grateful thank you. From your taste, see how your throat reacts to Camel's cool mildness. Experience in your own T zone may tell you that Camel is your cigarette too. And you will understand why so many doctors prefer Camels. Three leading independent research organizations recently asked this question. Of 113,597 doctors, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was Camel.

[E]

According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

[C]

Well, Castelli, you sold all the spot remover. Now let's go into here to Chief Schmo's office and give him the money. And get your magic lantern.

[G]

Good morning. Whom do you wish to see?

[D]

I'd like to see Chief Schmo.

[G]

I'm sorry, he's busy now. He's holding a pow wow.

[D]

A what?

[G]

Pow wow.

[F]

Pow wow. Pow wow.

[D]

I can hear you. There's a dog barking somewhere.

[C]

All right, Castella, here comes the chief.

[F]

Ah, gentlemen, as Michelangelo said to Venus de Milo. I see your back.

[C]

Costello. So all the spot remover, Chief. And he's here to get his magic lantern.

[B]

What?

[F]

He sold all that junk? I mean, that spot?

[C]

Yes, yes.

[F]

Well, as Lippy Derosa said when speaking of his new bride, what a day.

[D]

And as Lippy Derocher said to Happy Chandler, what a year.

[C]

If you don't mind, chief, just give Costello's magic lantern. Will be going.

[F]

Not so fast, boys. By selling that spot remover, Costello was only qualified for the magic lantern. Now all he has to do is help me sell 980 bottles of Schmo's Indian Water.

[D]

I can sell anything. I even sold insurance. I sold Lana Turner some sweater insurance. I sold Dorothy Lamour some sarong insurance. I even sold Gypsy Rose Lee insurance too.

[F]

Wait a minute. What did Gypsy Rose Lee have insured?

[D]

These Indians lead sheltered lives, don't they? She took full coverage.

[C]

Wait a minute. Why should this boy have to sell 980 bottles of Schmo's Indian Water? Chief, this sounds like a shady deal.

[D]

Mr. Abbott, there's $50 in it for you if you can get Costello to help me.

[C]

Oh, that's different, Costello. I think it's a splendid idea.

[D]

Wait a minute.

[C]

Bow down.

[F]

Ow.

[D]

Wait a minute. You just said it was a shady deal. The smog cleared up pretty fast, didn't it, Chief?

[C]

What is this? What does this Indian water do?

[F]

Schmoes? Indian water is the elixir. It takes years off your life. Why, Al Jolson took one teaspoonful and do you know what happened?

[D]

Larry Parks.

[F]

Come with me. Come into the laboratory and meet the Indians who make Schmo's Indian Water. This is our head chemist. Me big brave.

[D]

We're Abbott and Costello. Do you ever Listen to our radio program.

[F]

Me not that brave.

[D]

Mr. Brave. Brave. I dabble in chemistry myself. Listen to this. H2O2S3.

[C]

What's that?

[D]

Ethyl alcohol. Then there's H1S SO5.

[C]

What's that?

[D]

Ethyl chloride. Then there's HI218.

[C]

What's that?

[D]

ETHEL Schultz. That's her phone number. If a man answers, that's the wrong formula.

[F]

Now, this is where we make the famous Schmoes. Indian water that brings back youth. This big Indian fills that pot with herbs. His squaw stirs the mixture all day long. And at night, when it's finished. Elixir. Elixir.

[C]

Elixir.

[D]

Now there's gratitude for you. The poor squaw sits all day over a hot fire, stir in that pot. Then at night, the Sydney comes along and gives her a beating.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[D]

I'm gonna report this to the police. Abbott beating that poor woman.

[C]

Costello, nobody's getting a beating.

[D]

He just said a squaw stirs the pot all day. Then at night the sinian comes along and he licks her. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with it? Nobody's gonna hit the squaw when I'm around. If he licks her tonight, I'll have to lick me. He'll have to lick me too.

[C]

Well, look, when he says elixir, he don't mean he licks her. He means elixir and elixir.

[D]

Oh, why didn't you say so? I know her very well. She works for Warner Brothers.

[C]

Who works for Warner Brothers?

[D]

Elixir. Smith. Oh, you idiot.

[C]

This elixir is a tonic. It makes you feel young.

[D]

It's.

[C]

It's a pick me up.

[D]

It's a what?

[C]

Pick me up.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Ah.

[C]

Put me down, you idiot.

[D]

You just asked me to pick you up.

[C]

I did not. I said pick me up. And now put me down.

[F]

Abbott, make up your mind. Well, gentlemen, we're ready to go. Hop into the truck and we'll make our pitch in an empty lot and sell the 980 bottles of Schmo's Elixir of Life.

[C]

Hey, Castello. Costello. Look at that crowd of people coming to buy Chief Schmo's Elixir of youth. Go ahead and make your pick.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Hiya, babe.

[D]

Gee, you're cute. What are you doing tonight? Uh, oh, wrong pitch.

[C]

Wrong pitch.

[F]

Boys, boys. I'll make the pitch. And Costello. Yes, Costello? You sell the medicine. And remember, back up everything I say.

[C]

Yes, remember that, Costello. Anything the chief says, you back him up.

[D]

I get it.

[F]

Friends, I am Chief Schmo. Anyone that drinks Shmo's Indian water can be young forever. It takes years off your life. Look at me, I am 239 years old. I've been drinking this water since I was a young man. I've worn out four Shaver Lifetime Pens. Look at me, 239 years old. Friends, the medicine is $1 a bottle. My assistant will pass among you. Go ahead, Costello.

[D]

Okay. Schmo's Indian Water, $1 a bottle. How about you, lady?

[G]

I'll take one. But young man, is that Indian really 239 years old?

[D]

You couldn't prove it by me, lady. I've only been with him 146 years. All right, you fat faker. I'm an officer of the Lord. How long did you say you were working for that Indian? I'm gonna apply for the job tomorrow morning. That's enough of that. Into the patrol wagon with you.

[C]

Ah, just a minute. Office Al vows for my friend here.

[D]

You see, Costello was told to say.

[C]

He was 146 years old.

[D]

Well, Costello will be 146 years old by the time he gets out of jail. Into the patrol wagon with the both of you.

[C]

Well, Costello, you certainly got us in a fine mess this time.

[D]

Don't bawl me out, Abbott. I've been through too much already. I'm tired and I'm thirsty. Thirsty. I know. I'll drink a couple of bottles of Chief Schmo's Elixir of Youth. Costella.

[C]

Costello, don't drink that junk. That stuff is a. Costello, where are you?

[D]

Here, my.

[G]

Yes, Abbott, right here.

[C]

Costello. Costello, I don't see you. All I see as a fat little boy.

[F]

That stuff works.

[G]

The fat little boy is mellow.

[C]

This is wonderful. They can prosecute a child. When we get to the station house, I'll jump out of the patrol wagon and run. Then you, you, you turn when I turn you loose. I mean, you come ride home to him.

[G]

Bye bye. Yeah, all right.

[D]

Your crooks come out of that wagon.

[G]

There ain't no crooks in here, Mr. Portman, only with a maid.

[D]

How many times have I told you kids not to hitch rides on the patrol wagon? Don't you know it's wrong to do a thing like that?

[G]

Why?

[D]

Why do you always do these things?

[G]

Oh, I'm a bad boy.

[B]

Be back in just a moment. For Camel cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Canandaiga, New York. USAF Station Hospital, Morrison Field, West Palm Beach, Florida. U.S. naval Hospital, Long Beach, California. U.S. marine Hospital, Evansville, Indiana. Newton D. Baker Veterans Hospital, Martinsburg, West Virginia. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello.

[C]

Well, Costello, next week is the opening of the baseball season.

[D]

Yes, it'll be a great week for my uncle, Artie Stebbins. You know, he was a famous baseball player. He played and played till he got so old he couldn't tell a ball from a strike.

[C]

And then what happened?

[D]

They made him an umpire.

[C]

Good night, folks.

[D]

Good night, everybo.

[B]

Listen to Evan and Costello again next Thursday when Costello gets a telegram from Joe DiMaggio which leads the boys into their famous baseball routine. Tune in next week and you might find out who's up first.

[E]

When a man packs his pipe with Prince Albert, he's all set for real smoking contentment. It's Prince Albert that gives a pipe smoker the extra rich flavor and the cool mildness that mean lasting enjoyment. And it's Prince Albert that's crimp Cut to pack just right in a pipe and to burn slowly and evenly. Pack your pipe with PA and enjoy the national joy Smoke Saturday night, enjoy Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry with the heartwarming singing of Red Foley. The happy fun making of Minnie Pearl, the rollicking crew of Grand Ole Opry and Red. Special guest, a brand new comedian, Red Brassfield.

[B]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before.

[F]

C A M E L S.

[B]

Abbott and Costello will soon be seen in the new Universal international picture Buck Privates Come Home. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels. Stay tuned now for the Eddie Cantor Show. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

[C]

It.