Abbott & Costello 42-10-15 (015) Bank Robbery with Marlene Dietrich

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Abbott & Costello 42-10-15 (015) Bank Robbery with Marlene Dietrich
Release Date: January 28, 2025

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Overview

In this engaging episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio, featuring the beloved comedic duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The episode, titled "Bank Robbery with Marlene Dietrich," blends classic humor with a captivating bank heist storyline, all while showcasing the timeless charm of its guest star, Marlene Dietrich. The narrative is interspersed with musical interludes and humorous banter, providing a rich and entertaining experience reminiscent of a bygone era.

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Main Characters and Setup

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, the iconic comedy team, open the show with their characteristic witty exchanges. The chemistry between Abbott and Costello sets a lighthearted tone as they navigate everyday absurdities.

• Bud Abbott introduces the program with a playful nod to Camels cigarettes:
  [00:47] Bud Abbott: "Camels the cigarette that's first in the service. Present the Abbott and Costello program."

• Lou Costello immediately engages in comedic dialogue, discussing mundane yet exaggerated problems, such as trying to retrieve a car from a swimming pool:
  [01:15] Lou Costello: "Oh, Abbot. Will you stop that noise? What are you doing here in the studio dressed in your bathing suit? Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool."

Their interactions are filled with the classic Abbott and Costello miscommunications and slapstick humor that fans cherish.

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Plot Development: The Bank Robbery

The episode takes a thrilling turn as Lou Costello becomes inadvertently involved in a bank robbery, leading to a series of comedic yet suspenseful events aimed at clearing his name.

• A pivotal moment occurs when Costello discovers a roll of money after a bank raid:
  [09:09] Ken Niles: "Costello, where did you get that roll of bills?"
  [09:27] Lou Costello: "I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bag full of money. And he gave me some."

• The tension escalates as Laurene Dietrich's character, Marlene Dietrich, interacts with the duo, introducing intrigue and complexity to the plot:
  [20:27] Marlene Dietrich: "Hello, boys."
  [20:29] Ken Niles: "Hello, boys. How big are men where you come from?"

• Costello grapples with the consequences of his actions, leading to a humorous confrontation with Marlene Dietrich's character, who ultimately reveals herself as the notorious Black Pete:
  [24:54] Marlene Dietrich: "Now, wait a minute, boys. It's not necessary to look any further. I am Black Pete."

• A comedic chase ensues, blending suspense with the signature Abbott and Costello humor:
  [25:11] Ken Niles: "Look, Abbott, what a cute bank. What a place to make a deposit."
  [25:25] Ken Niles: "Look, Abbott, what a cute bank. What a place to make a deposit. Oh, Marlena, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking?"

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Guest Appearance: Marlene Dietrich

Marlene Dietrich's guest appearance adds a layer of sophistication and glamour to the episode. Her interactions with Abbott and Costello are laced with humor and wit, enhancing the overall narrative.

• Marlene Dietrich engages in flirtatious banter with Ken Niles:
  [21:52] Marlene Dietrich: "You know, little fat man, I could go for someone like you."

• The chemistry between Dietrich and the comedic duo creates memorable moments, exemplifying the seamless blend of drama and comedy:
  [23:22] Ken Niles: "There's an echo in the joint. Well, there's no question about it, Costello. Marlena Dietrich just can't be bothered with a man like you."
  [23:33] Marlene Dietrich: "Oh, Lou, if you only had the eyes of Clark Gable."

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Musical Interludes: Cowboy Boogie

Interspersed within the comedic and dramatic segments are lively musical performances that reflect the era's radio show format.

• Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet perform "Cow Cow Boogie," adding energy and a touch of the Old West ambiance:
  [16:07] Connie Haynes: "Out on the plains down near Santa Fe I met a cowboy riding the range one day..."

• The musical breaks provide a rhythmic balance to the show's pacing, keeping listeners engaged and entertained.

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Climax and Resolution

The episode reaches its climax as Abbott and Costello confront Black Pete in the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch. The confrontation is both humorous and suspenseful, culminating in the revelation of Marlene Dietrich's true identity as the bank robber.

• Black Pete (Marlene Dietrich) delivers a dramatic confession:
  [25:05] Marlene Dietrich: "It is true. I took the money from the bank, but I did not steal it. It was my own money. It was my pin money."

• The resolution sees Costello grappling with the aftermath of the robbery and the comedic fallout of his actions:
  [26:00] Bud Abbott: "Before we hear from Abbott and Costello again, do you want to find out how hitting ground feels to a paratrooper?"

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Conclusion and Closing Remarks

The episode wraps up with a preview of the next week's show, featuring a boxing match with John Garfield and additional advertisements that hark back to the period's sponsorship style. The closing segments maintain the nostalgic feel, ensuring listeners look forward to future adventures of Abbott and Costello.

• Bud Abbott teases the next episode:
  [26:45] Bud Abbott: "And here's Connie Haynes with a Campbell quintet to sing a new tune of the Old West. Cow cow boogie."

• A humorous preview showcases Costello in a boxing match:
  [28:29] Ken Niles: "Thousands of people are assembled in Madison Square Garden. All eyes are focused on the two fighters in the center of the ring, Killer Garfield and Kewpie Costello."

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Notable Quotes

• Lou Costello on his misadventures:
  [07:40] "I lost my sugar ration card."

• Bud Abbott highlighting the importance of camaraderie:
  [02:38] "After all, I could give the Program a lift. I'm a shot in the arm."

• Ken Niles on his role and frustrations:
  [04:35] "There's nothing but talk on the program. And who wants to hear a lot of talk?"

• Marlene Dietrich emphasizing her dual identity:
  [24:54] "I am Black Pete."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" masterfully weaves together comedy, drama, and music, offering a nostalgic yet fresh take on classic radio entertainment. The impeccable timing of Abbott and Costello, coupled with Marlene Dietrich's captivating performance, creates a memorable listening experience that honors the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio.

Listeners who appreciate witty banter, engaging storylines, and musical interludes will find this episode particularly enjoyable. Whether revisiting old favorites or discovering Abbott and Costello for the first time, "Bank Robbery with Marlene Dietrich" stands as a testament to the enduring legacy of radio's golden years.

Transcript

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[Ken Niles]

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[Bud Abbott]

Camels the cigarette that's first in the service. Present the Abbott and Costello program.

[Ken Niles]

With.

[Bud Abbott]

The music of Leith Stevens and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet. Today, tonight's guest, Ms. Marlena Dietrich. And starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Ken Niles]

No. Costello. Oh, Abbot. Will you stop that noise? What are you doing here in the studio dressed in your bathing suit? Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool. What was it doing there? Don't you read the papers, Abbott? The government says you have to pull your car. No, you dummy. They mean share the ride. You have to pick up people. Oh, I did that yesterday. I picked up Helen, Mary, Rosie and Josie. But your car holds more than that. Yeah, but now they only allow you 4Gs a week. How you know? Because you can't get it. Well, never mind that. Costella. Where have you been all week? What have you been doing? Oh boy, have I been having fun with Connie Haynes. No kidding. Last Saturday I took her to a football game. What a game. What excitement. Any passes? No, her mother was with us. And another thing happened. There was a man sitting next to us with a six months old baby. All afternoon the kid was crying, he was so hungry. Well, didn't the father bring a bottle? Yeah, but the kid wanted milk. Finally, to shut the kid up, I'd give him a penny. Well, did that keep him quiet? Yeah, but he kept waving the penny in front of my binoculars. It ruined the game. How did it ruin the game? All afternoon Lincoln was playing in the backfield. No, no, no. Well, forget the football game. Much better this afternoon, huh? Yes, yes, yes, a lot better. We've got. We've got other things to worry about. You know, our announcer Ken Niles is complaining because he didn't have enough to do last week. Isn't that right, Ken?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, it is. After all, I could give the Program a lift. I'm a shot in the arm.

[Ken Niles]

You said it. You're a dope. Now, don't be silly. Costella Niles is very popular. Why, sure.

[Bud Abbott]

Right after the broadcast last week, a lot of women chased me up Hollywood Boulevard, and one of them caught me and threw her arms around my neck.

[Ken Niles]

I saw that.

[Bud Abbott]

You did?

[Ken Niles]

Yeah. Why did you snatch her pocketbook? Now, cut it out, Costello. Now, I talked to Ken's wife and she says he should have more lines. She says he's got talent. She says he's terrific. She says he's colossal. She says this, she says that. I don't care what his wife says.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I do. My wife is a wonderful person. She's as necessary to me as an umbrella in a rainstorm.

[Ken Niles]

I'll take the umbrella. It's easier to shut up. Now, why don't you be reasonable, Costello? Mrs. Niles is a very sweet girl.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, she is. You know, she's a great deal like Sonya Henny.

[Ken Niles]

You mean you have to keep her on ice? Please. Are you folks hearing us? Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. Now, that isn't fair, Costello. Now, let's get together here. Give Ken a chance to show what he can do. Okay?

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, bud. I'd like to read a little tidbit that I just happen to bring along.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, this is gonna murder you.

[Bud Abbott]

One night as I sat rocking, rocking on my chamber floor Came a knocking, gentle knocking knocking on my chamber door Quoth the Raven nevermore Quoth the raven nevermore There, How'd you like that?

[Ken Niles]

Don't look now, but the raven just laid a knee hello, everybody.

[Lou Costello]

And hello, my fat little sugar man.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, this voice of this kid is temporaneous. Shh. Quiet, quiet. Hello, Tommy.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Costella. Honey, I'd like you and Mr. Abbott to meet someone. This is my Aunt Ruby.

[Ken Niles]

Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, Aunt Ruby. How do you like California? Connie doesn't have enough to do. Wait a minute. After all, I listened to the program last week and there should be more music. Connie ought to sing four or five songs. There's nothing but talk on the program. And who wants to hear a lot of talk?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

[Ken Niles]

Hold your hat. After all, Mr. Costello, I taught Connie to sing. Why, even I sang in New York. Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago. What about St. Louis? They beat the Yanks. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I really. I really struck you out that time. You struck me out, huh? And you're just the old bat that can do it now. Yeah. Wait a minute. Now, just A second. Costello, you can't talk like that to Connie's Aunt Ruby. Maybe she's right. Maybe this program needs more singing. Exactly. Everyone loves singing something like this.

[Lou Costello]

All through the night there's a little brown.

[Ken Niles]

But singing? Oh, well, of course. You know, I just had my tonsils taken out. Have them put back in. Costello, what right have you got to criticize? What do you know about singing? Now, look, Abbott, if I hadn't come from such a large family, I'd have been a great singer. What did the large family have to do with it? I could never get in the bathroom. Oh, no. Come on, Costello, make up your mind. Are you going to give Niles and Connie more to do or not? Why should I? If I give them more to do, the first thing you know, even the sound man will want more to do. And why shouldn't I? What did I have on last week's program? Nothing. Not even a door slam. I understand doors. I know doors inside and out. I talk to doors and they talk to me. What do you hear from the mob? Ah, well, may you laugh. Little do you know how important every little sound is to me. Even the sound of a moth chewing on an overcoat. Like this. What's that funny sound? That's the moth spitting out the buttons. Don't you think sounds are fascinating? Here is a sample of my day when work is through. I walk home at night in the rain. I open the door. I go in and shut the door. Then I walk upstairs. In the rain? It's raining in the house. Yes, we're waiting for a government ceiling. He must have a better rider than us, huh? I imagine so. I jump into bed and sleep. It's morning. What a night. I've got to catch the train. I kiss my wife before I go to the office, my wife kisses me. I kiss her and she kisses me. Wait a minute. What about the office? With a wife like that, why should he go to the office?

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, Lou. Lou. Costello?

[Ken Niles]

Yes, sir.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah. How's your spelling this week?

[Ken Niles]

I can spell anything.

[Bud Abbott]

Okay, spell crumpets.

[Ken Niles]

Crumpets? Yeah, crumpets. Crumpets.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah.

[Ken Niles]

K. No, crumpets. C, R, U, M, P, E, S.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, wait a minute. You left out the tea today.

[Ken Niles]

I gotta have crumpets without tea.

[Bud Abbott]

Why?

[Ken Niles]

I lost my sugar ration card.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute.

[Ken Niles]

Look.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah. Anyway, ration or ration? Look, around here you can't forget any T's.

[Ken Niles]

Why not?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, because with us it's important. In fact, with any cigarette smoker, T ought to be one of the most important letters in the Alphabet.

[Ken Niles]

Is that right?

[Bud Abbott]

Why, sure. T stands for taste and throat. That's anybody's own personal proving ground for cigarettes. The T Zone. Now, of course, most people have tried Camels. But have you tried them lately? Since you've been smoking more? Give Camels the T zone test. Now ask your taste about Camel's flavor. You'll find it wears well, doesn't go flat. Ask your throat about Camel's mildness. It's the best judge you can find. Thousands of smokers who are making their own T zone test. Advise Camels suit them to a T. Just remember that you're the one who's doing your smoking for steady pleasure. Try Camels. You'll find their slow burning cooler smoking richer, tasting milder better. Because Camels are expertly and matchlessly blended of costlier tobaccos. So take a tip from your T zone. Your throat and your taste will tell you. C, A, he, F. Camels get a fact tonight you'll want to buy a carton tomorrow.

[Ken Niles]

On earth every morning. Abraham. Abraham. When he grew up his tiny baby folks all called him Honest Abraham. Abraham. In 1860 he became 16th president now he's in the hall of fame. A most respected Jew that is why we celebrate this place of every day. Abraham. Abraham. Abraham. Abraham. Abraham. That was BE Stevens Hawkester with a camel quintet Doing Abraham from the Holiday Inn. And now, ladies and gentlemen, all quiet. Damn it. What's the matter? Hey, look. Look what I got. Look at all the money. Wait a minute. Costello, where did you get that roll of bills? I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bag full of money. And he gave me some. He gave it to you?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Mm.

[Ken Niles]

What did he look like? I couldn't tell. He had such a bad cold, he had a handkerchief tied across his nose. Well, you dumb cluck, that was a mask. The man was a bank robber. Oh, I don't think so. Abbott, he was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk. Sell you the bank for a squawk? Yeah. He said, one squawk out of you and I'll give you the business of all the dumbbells. Why didn't you go into the bank and investigate? I did go in and what a way to run a business. I walked in and a couple of clerks were playing hide and seek. That's ridiculous. Honest. One guy was hiding in the closet, the other guy was under the counter. There was nobody around to play with him. Then there was another guy. What other guy? He was trying to do tricks. Trying to do tricks? Yeah, he was laying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of ropes. And you thought he was playing a game. Find time to play games, huh? Well, especially when he had a toothache. He didn't have a toothache. No? Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth? The man had a gag in his mouth. If he did, he never got a chance to tell it. Listen, you should have taken the plaster off his mouth. I did. And right away the guy started worrying about his rationing card. Worrying about his rationing card? Yeah, he started yelling, they took the sugar. They took the sugar. Oh, no, no, no, Costello. The man was yelling because he was stuck up. Stuck up? Sure, a fine time to get a swelled head. No, somebody might have robbed the place. He did rob the place. Look, was there anybody with him? Just a woman. A woman? Why didn't you mention her before? She didn't appeal to me. Oh. Did you pinch her? No. Then you should have held her. If I'd have held her, I'd have pinched her, you idiot. A little bit. Do you realize that by keeping the money and letting the crooks get away you've made yourself an accomplice? 10. Niles, turn on the radio. Maybe we'll get a police report. Hurry up. Okay, bud, okay. Hey, you get a habit? What's that? There's a message. Well, what does it say? Attention all citizens. The Fifth national bank has just been held up by Black Pete and his gang of desperate bandits. When last seen, the gang was headed for their hideout at Deadpan Gulch. Also at large is their accomplice. Described as five feet tall, five feet wide, that is all. That's me, Mr. Five by Five. Costello, you know the police are after you. Now. You've got to capture that gang to clear yourself. Now, you can't do it alone, so call a posse. That's the thing. Okay. Hip, pushy, pushy, pushy. No, no, no, no, no. Hip, pussy. No, lo. Please. Deadpan Gulch is in the heart of the cattle country. It's the home of the Western bandits and cattle rustlers. Then I'm just a guy, Abbott. I became a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers. Oh, how could you become a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers? I sat on a branding iron. But did that cause you to catch the rustlers? Catch him? I passed him. But this is going to be a long trip. Now, you'll have to get an outfit. What are you going to wear? I'll wear a 10 gallon hat, a tan shirt, a leather belt and a bloodhound. What? Pants. The bloodhound. No. All right. Never mind the outfit. And another thing you'll eat is a horse. Have you got a horse? Have I got a horse? Yes, I got a horse and he's my pal. Well, that's swell. I eat with my horse. That's wonderful. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. You sleep with your horse? I got it. It's his blanket. Now tell me, can you ride a horse? Sure, I can ride a horse. One time, Abbott, I rode two horses at once standing up. I had my right foot on one horse, my left foot on the other horse. All of a sudden we came to a fork in the road. Each horse went in a different direction. That was a laugh. Yeah. I thought I'd split. Well, never mind. The first thing. The first thing you have to do is find the bandit's trail. When you do, you leap into the saddle and away you go. Your face is stern, your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? All right. I laugh. Please be quiet. Then you ride. You ride out across the prairie. You ride for hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Don't interrupt, please. You ride and you ride until your trousers are worn thin. Finally, there you are. I knew I'd come through. Yes. Well, Costello, what are you going to do? Are you going out after the bandits? Are you going to clear your name? I'm going to clear my name, Abbott. Attaboy. I'll do it. I knew it was in you. I'm going to get it out of me right now. Come on. I'll get them bandits. But just tell me one thing. If I get killed, what's going to happen to that little fella? That depends on me. The poor little fella won't get anything neat anymore. That poor little fellow won't even have a roof over his head. If anything happens, Abbott, it'll kill him. Ch, Ch. Ch. Chumba looking for excitement. Chumba Casino is here. Play anytime. Play anywhere. Play on the train. Play at the store. Play at home. Play when you're bored. Play today for your chance to win and get daily bonuses when you log in. So what are you waiting for? Don't delay. Chumba Casino is free to play experience social game. Chumba Casino right now to play hundreds of games including online slots, bingo, Slingo and more. Live the chumba [e-mail] BGW approved no purchase NECESSARY BOARD We're Prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus the poor little fella Costello. Who is the poor little fellow? Me.

[Bud Abbott]

And here's Connie Haynes with a Campbell quintet to sing a new tune of the Old West. Cow cow boogie.

[Lou Costello]

Out on the plains down near Santa Fe I met a cowboy riding the range one day and as he jogged along I heard him singing a most peculiar cowboy song it was a ditty he learned in the city Come up to Yay. Get along, get hip little donkeys get along Better be on your way get along, get hip little doggies Annie Truss him on down the old fair way Singing his cow cowboy in the strangest way Singing his cowboy song he's just too much he's got a knocked out western accent With a Harlem touch he was raised on local weeds he's what you call swing half breed Singing his cow calogear in the strangest swing Kama ki yi yay.

[Ken Niles]

Singing his cowboy song he's just too much he's got a knocked up western.

[Lou Costello]

Accent with a Harlem touch he was raised on local weed he's what you call swing at breed Singing his cow cow buggy in the strangest way. It's the cow cow boogie the cowboys boogie song.

[Bud Abbott]

And now back to the adventures of our heroes, Abbott and Costello as we find them hot on the trail of the bank bandit Black Pete. Leading a posse of men, they track the villain to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch. Here they are riding up the main street of the town.

[Ken Niles]

I got spurs. Jingle jangle. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. What's wrong? What's wrong? One of my spurs got stuck. Costello, what do you think you're doing? Why are you riding underneath your horse? Well, my horse isn't feeling well. Abbott and the doctor told me to watch his stomach. Well, here we are, men. We'll probably find Black Pete in the Red Do Cafe across the street. Stop your horses. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa boy. Whoa. Atta boy. Take it easy, Nelly. Sit down. Whoa Nelly. All right, men, everybody into the bar for a drink. Now. Now. Just a man. You horses stay outside. All right, let's go in and listen. Costello, when we go through this door, have your gun ready. If anybody moves, shoot. If anybody shoots, I'll move. Hey Evan, listen to that. What a pair of pipes. Wish I was a plumber. Costello, don't you recognize her? She's the toast of Deadpan Gul of the same. Oh, Marena Dietrich. Oh, Jesus. Oh, look at that lovely face. That face has made a fortune. Yeah, it runs into a nice Figure.

[Marlena Dietrich]

Hello, boys.

[Ken Niles]

Hello, boys. How big are men where you come from?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Welcome to the Red Dog Cafe. Did you like my song? What do you think of my range?

[Ken Niles]

Your range is lovely. In fact, I like your whole kitchen.

[Marlena Dietrich]

You'll flatter me. You're probably tired after your long trip. How about a drink?

[Ken Niles]

Okay. I'll have a Crosby cocktail.

[Marlena Dietrich]

What's that?

[Ken Niles]

One drink and then bing.

[Marlena Dietrich]

With your personality, I would suggest straight corn.

[Ken Niles]

What a fresh kid. Just a minute, Marlena. You see, neither one of us is a drinking man. Do you have anything a little milder?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Try a drink of this very mild wine.

[Ken Niles]

Now that sounds better. I'll try it. Just a minute. What's. What's the matter?

[Marlena Dietrich]

I don't understand. That wine is made here by the hoppy Indians.

[Ken Niles]

Hoppy Indians? One of the Indians is still hopping in it. Costello, that's silly. Come on, let's go and watch the boys play roulette. Yes.

[Marlena Dietrich]

Or perhaps you both would rather play a game with me. Poker, faro, blackjack?

[Ken Niles]

I'd rather play post office.

[Marlena Dietrich]

But that's a kid's game.

[Ken Niles]

Not the way I play.

[Marlena Dietrich]

You know, little fat man, I could go for someone like you.

[Ken Niles]

You could?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Yes. Do you know someone?

[Ken Niles]

Sure, I. What a fresh kid. Abbott. Now look, keep quiet, Costella. Don't talk like that to Marlena. She may know where Black Pete is. Try to win her confidence. Turn on the charm. You know I'll turn on a charm. Okay. Watch me. Marlena, my love, I adore you.

[Marlena Dietrich]

You do?

[Ken Niles]

Yeah. Marlena, will you let me be your slave? Will you let me do something for you that I have never done for any other woman?

[Marlena Dietrich]

What's that?

[Ken Niles]

Will you let me press your slacks? Costnella, will you stop that? You just don't know how to handle these western girls. Oh, yes I do, Abbott. Marlena, One time I was in love with a bow legged cowgirl. She was too boligared to round up the kettle.

[Marlena Dietrich]

What do you mean?

[Ken Niles]

Well, she had a terrible time getting her calves together. What are you talking about? Costella, you've never even been in love with a girl. Yes, I was. I can see her now. She always wore cotton stockings.

[Marlena Dietrich]

Cotton stockings? What happened to her?

[Ken Niles]

Not. But of all the girls, I got tattooed on my chest.

[Marlena Dietrich]

On your chest?

[Ken Niles]

Marlena, I love you the best.

[Marlena Dietrich]

The best.

[Ken Niles]

Better than the rest. The rest in the west.

[Marlena Dietrich]

The west?

[Ken Niles]

On my chest.

[Marlena Dietrich]

On your chest.

[Ken Niles]

There's an echo in the joint. Well, there's no question about it, Costello. Marlena Dietrich just can't be bothered with A man like you, Marlena, is that true?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Oh, Lou, if you only had the eyes of Clark Gable.

[Ken Niles]

Yes.

[Marlena Dietrich]

The nose of Tyrone Power.

[Ken Niles]

Yes. Yes.

[Marlena Dietrich]

The chin of Gary Cooper.

[Ken Niles]

Yes.

[Marlena Dietrich]

The face.

[Ken Niles]

The face of who?

[Marlena Dietrich]

That's all. If you only had a face.

[Ken Niles]

You know, the kids get nice. Look here, Costello, we're wasting time. Did you forget why we came to Deadpan Gulfs? We've got to find Black Pete's hideout.

[Marlena Dietrich]

Black Pete? He's the most dangerous character in this part.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, he don't bother me, but he's very tough.

[Marlena Dietrich]

He eats little men like you every morning when he gets up.

[Ken Niles]

That's me. The breakfast of champions.

[Marlena Dietrich]

But, Lou, why don't you give up this mad search? It can only lead to your death.

[Ken Niles]

I think you got something there, kid. Hey, Abbott, I am scared. Ain't you scared? No, I'm not scared. Then why are you biting my nails? But no matter what happens, I'm going after Black Pete, Marlena. And if I die, I want you to take this shirt of mine as a keepsake.

[Marlena Dietrich]

But suppose you don't die?

[Ken Niles]

Then wash it and have it back by Monday. And no starch in a collar, either. Listen, Costella, cut out the foolishness. Now, we line up everybody in the room until we find our man. That's right, Abbott. Everybody line up and empty out your pockets. Why are you making them empty their pockets? I lost my yo, yo.

[Marlena Dietrich]

Now, wait a minute, boys. It's not necessary to look any further. I am Black Pete.

[Ken Niles]

You are. What a fresh kid.

[Marlena Dietrich]

What a stale plot.

[Ken Niles]

I think you got something there, Marlena. I still don't believe all this is true.

[Marlena Dietrich]

It is true. I took the money from the bank, but I did not steal it. It was my own money. It was my pin money.

[Ken Niles]

$100,000 pin money.

[Marlena Dietrich]

I have very expensive pins. If you don't believe me, I assure you I have all the money right here in my stocking.

[Ken Niles]

Look, Abbot, what a cute bank. What a place to make a deposit. Oh, Marlena, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking?

[Marlena Dietrich]

Certainly.

[Ken Niles]

Costello, don't be an idiot. Your money is safer in the bank. Why do you want to put it in her stocking? Because that's where it's going to draw the most interest.

[Bud Abbott]

Before we hear from Abbott and Costello again, do you want to find out how hitting ground feels to a paratrooper? Well, just hop off the top of a truck going 15 miles an hour. But don't try that until you're as husky as an all American halfback and as nimble as a circus tumbler. Even then, you'd have to learn plenty to qualify for the shoot. Troops, fighters as tough as any in the world. And whether your job is to dangle in midair from silk cords or whether you're making the shoots, you want to get the most out of your off duty moments. Take Helen lynch, for instance. She works at the Pioneer Parachute Company making some of the shoots used by our paratroopers. Like so many of us, Ms. Lynch is smoking more these days. And she sticks to Camels. She said, quote, package after package.

[Ken Niles]

Camels never tire my taste or wear out their welcome. They have such a rich, full flavor and they're so easy on my throat.

[Bud Abbott]

Camel is first in the service. Actual sales records in post exchanges and canteens show that with men in the army, the Navy, the Marine Corps and the Coast Guard, Camel is the favorite. Why is that? Well, just ask your own throat and taste. Camels have a full, rich flavor. The kind that wears well, doesn't go flat. Camels are milder too, and cooler. Smoking because they're slow burning. The big reason behind this camel goodness is costlier tobaccos blended in the years old Camel tradition of quality tobacco blending. If you're smoking more these days, try Camels. Your throat and your taste will tell you. C A M E L Camels get a fact tonight. Send the carton to that fellow in the service. And now a word about next week's program. You'll hear more music from Lee Stevens and the orchestra, more songs by Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet, and a gripping dramatic story of life in the squared circle with our guest star, John Garfield. Now here is a short preview of next week's program. Thousands of people are assembled in Madison Square Garden. All eyes are focused on the two fighters in the center of the ring, Killer Garfield and Kewpie Costello. There is a terrific exchange of blows. The crowd is on its feet. Costello is on his face.

[Ken Niles]

1. Costello. Costello, get up. Get up. Get up off your knees. And quit playing with those marbles. What marbles? I'm picking up my teeth.

[Bud Abbott]

Be sure to tune in next Thursday night at the same time for another big comedy show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with John Garfield as our guest, brought to you with the compliments of Camel cigarettes. Camel presents three great radio shows each week. Abbott and Costello on Thursday nights. On Friday night, it's the Camel Caravan with Lanny Ross, Herb Shriner, Xavier Cugat and Our Town. And Monday night, Blondie Balena Dietrich, who appeared with us tonight has just completed a new Universal picture, Pittsburgh with John Wayne and Randolph Scott. And here's the latest news about the Camel Caravans, those swell traveling shows that entertain our boys in the army camps. 15 army and Navy training stations will be visited this week including Camp Gordon, Georgia, Camp Pendleton, California and Camp Cross, South Carolina. This is Ken Niles speaking for the makers of Camel cigarettes and wishing you all a very pleasant good night. Ever see a pipe wearing a muzzle? No sir, and you never will. Cause that won't keep it from biting. Thing to do is get Prince Albert. The brand that's no bite. Treated for real smoke in comfort. Another thing, pa's crimp cut. And that means it packs firm and easy and gives you cool one match burning. You'll find around 50 mild, rich tasting pipefuls in every handy pocket package of Prince Albert. Try PA for pipe appeal. You'll agree it's the national joy smoke. This program has come to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.

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[Ken Niles]

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