Abbott & Costello 44-01-20 Football Game with the Great Gildersleeve

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott & Costello 44-01-20 Football Game with the Great Gildersleeve

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Original Air Date: January 20, 1944 (Aired on the podcast: January 10, 2026)
Featured Guests: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Harold Perry (as The Great Gildersleeve), Ken Niles, Mrs. Niles

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Episode Overview

This classic episode from the Golden Age of Radio brings together the legendary comedy duo Abbott & Costello and their famous comedic foil, Harold Perry as the Great Gildersleeve. The main theme is a riotous series of misunderstandings and wordplay leading up to — and including — a farcical football game between Costello and Gildersleeve. The show is peppered with slapstick, verbal gags, musical performances, and over-the-top character antics that typify the era’s humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Episode Structure

1. Opening Comedy and Introduction of Little Hector (01:21–06:34)

• Costello regales Abbott and company with a wild story about encountering hot rivets at a shipyard, setting the tone with wordplay and classic miscommunication.
• Introduction of Little Hector, Mrs. Niles's troublesome nephew. Costello’s reluctance to babysit him is played for laughs, including a gag about finding a bottle of ink in his bathtub from a year ago.
  • Quote:
    • “No, I came back without any breeches, kid... Yeah, but I burned my bridges behind me.” — Costello (01:59)
• Mrs. Niles and Ken arrive, with jokes at each other’s expense, including a running gag about Mrs. Niles's “moose head.”
• Little Hector is introduced as a troublemaker with lines hinting at family dysfunction and slapstick danger.

2. Escalating Chaos with Little Hector (06:34–07:39)

• Hector shoots a BB gun, causing injury and drawing the ire of Gildersleeve.
• The dynamic between Costello, Hector, and The Great Gildersleeve is immediately contentious and playful.
  • Quote:
    • “Where did he get you? — Between my bay window and the back porch.” — Gildersleeve (07:43)

3. Costello vs. Gildersleeve—Animosity Brewing (07:39–10:01)

• The mishaps escalate with an antagonistic “East meets West” dynamic, fueled equally by Costello’s cheek and Gildersleeve’s bluster.
• Banter continues with gags about heads-in-bottles, accusations, and absurd ways to settle the BB gun incident:
  • Quote:
    • “You got a lot of nerve to talk about my head. The last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.” — Gildersleeve (08:00)
• Ken Niles’ narration signals a break for a musical interlude and cigarette ad.

4. Slapstick Musical Mayhem and More Wordplay (12:49–15:45)

• Little Hector’s wild streak continues—Costello complains about children, includes a running bit about a cat in the piano, and is joined by Tommy Pumpkins, a boy who replaces ‘T’ with ‘P’ sounds.
• Jokes about grammar, pronunciation, and music abound, culminating in a chaotic “band” number by the kids.
  • Quote:
    • “Why don’t he take it out when he talks?” — Costello, about Tommy’s “silver spoon” (13:40)
• The kids are sent outside with Costello’s football for a demonstration of his supposed athleticism.

5. The Football Debacle—Challenge and Trash Talk (15:45–18:16)

• During Costello’s football demonstration, a ball is kicked through Gildersleeve's window.
• Gildersleeve brags (with obvious exaggeration) about his days as a Princeton football star:
  • Quote:
    • “I swept over the 50 yard line, over the 40, the 30... as I was sweeping toward the goal line, it happened.”
    • “Were you tackled?” — Costello
    • “No, he broke his broom.” — Abbott/Costello (16:54–17:07)
• Both men lay down outlandish consequences if they lose ("tie myself through a pickle barrel...have Tony slap me...with a wet barracuda," says Costello at 18:01).

6. Musical Interlude (18:16–20:16)

• Connie Haynes performs "Shoo Shoo Baby," providing a melodic pause between comedic segments.

7. The Big Game: The Nanny Goats vs. The Maroons (20:31–26:25)

• Ken Niles assumes the role of sportscaster, describing the “big game” at Google’s parking lot overlooking the city dump.
• Team names: Gildersleeve’s Nanny Goats vs. Costello’s Maroons (jokingly called “morons” at first).
• Quick-fire interviews parody sports reporting:
  • Quote:
    • “Is it true you don't know the meaning of the word ‘trepidation’?” — Niles
    • “That's right.” — Costello
    • “And is it true you don't know the meaning of the word ‘cowardice’?” — Niles
    • “That's right.” — Costello
    • “You're pretty brave.” — Niles
    • “No, I'm pretty ignorant.” — Costello (21:04–21:24)
• Alma mater parodies (“Mammy Phew! Phew!”).
• The football game itself is a slapstick farce—bizarre play calls, people running in circles, confused signals, and absurd penalties.
• Memorable moment:
  • “Football don't wear pants!” — Gildersleeve, confusing Costello's literal question about football uniforms (16:44)
• Tackling, tickling, and more gags ensue as the teams blunder through plays, with constant verbal skirmishes between Costello and Gildersleeve.

8. Closing Gags & Goodbye (26:46–27:34)

• After the “game,” both Costello and Gildersleeve check whether they still have all their limbs, capping the episode with mutual absurdity.
• Final joke: Costello discovers he's now wearing Gildersleeve’s hat.
  • Quote:
    • “Wait a minute, Gildersleeve! I'll never be able to face my public again... I'm wearing your hat!” — Costello (27:01)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Burned His Bridges:
  • “No, I came back without any breeches, kid... Yeah, but I burned my bridges behind me.” — Lou Costello (01:59)
• Wordplay on "Colonel":
  • “My great grandfather was a Colano in the army.” — Costello
  • “No, you see, that word is pronounced 'colonel.'” — Abbott (02:08)
• Tommy's Speech Quirk:
  • “Want to hear me play a poon on my trumpet?” — Tommy Pumpkins (13:57)
• The Great Gildersleeve's Football Brag:
  • “Football don't wear pants!” — Gildersleeve (16:44)
• Costello's Sports "Ignorance":
  • “You're pretty brave.” — Niles
  • “No, I'm pretty ignorant.” — Costello (21:23–21:24)
• Alma Mater Parody:
  • “You'll find will always come from behind / Forever Mammy. Phew. Phew.” — Costello (22:15)
• Absurd Football Play:
  • “I got the ball, Abbott! One tackler down... I'm gonna make a touchdown, Abbott!... Why not? I'm out in the open.” — Costello (25:53–26:12)
• Inventory Gag:
  • “Let me see now. I've got two arms and I got two arms. And I've got two legs. And I got two legs. Wait a minute, Gildersleeve!” — Costello and Gildersleeve (26:53–27:06)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:21: Episode content begins, skipping ads
• 02:55–03:15: Classic Costello/Abbott wordplay on military ranks
• 06:34–07:39: Hector shoots BB gun, Gildersleeve enters
• 15:45–18:16: The football challenge heats up after chaos with the kids
• 20:31–26:25: The spoofed football game scene with commentary and play-by-play
• 26:46–27:22: Humorous debrief, inventory counting limbs, hat gag

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Episode Tone & Language

The tone is playful, relentlessly punny, packed with slapstick, and carried by fast-talking, wisecracking vaudeville delivery. Absurdity, wordplay, and escalation of outlandish situations are hallmarks. The language is a mix of family-friendly jokes, clever insults, and classic 1940s double-talk.

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Conclusion

This episode is a prime example of the comedic chaos and rapid-fire repartee that made Abbott & Costello and their radio contemporaries beloved to American audiences. The addition of The Great Gildersleeve creates a perfect foil for Costello’s hijinks, culminating in a spoof football game filled with laughs, memorable insults, and vintage radio atmosphere.

Transcript

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[Ken Niles]

E L S the Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to.

[Lou Costello]

Go around the world.

[Ken Niles]

Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's guest, Harold Perry, the Great Gildersleeve, and starring Bud Abbott and Lil Costello.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hey, Abbot.

[Lou Costello]

Now what's wrong? What's wrong now? Hey, Evan. A terrible thing just happened. I was invited down to the shipyards where they're building a brand new ship and I got caught between two guys that was throwing hot rivets.

[Ken Niles]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

What happened? One of those red hot rivets landed in my back pocket.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Before I knew it, I was four miles out to sea under my own steam, too. How do they. How did they save you, Lou? Did they throw you a breeches, boy? No, I came back without any breaches, kid. Well, you made a fool of yourself again. Yeah, but I burned my bridges behind me. Oh, dark sense. What were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place? I forgot to tell you. See, Abbott, my cousin Hugo was a sailor down there. He's in the Signal Corps. The Signal Corps? Yeah. He keeps signaling his mother to get him out. I'm so ashamed of my cousin Hugo. You are? I mean, after all, the Costellos have always been very brave people. My great grandfather was a Colano in the army. A Colano? Yeah, Colano, you dummy. That Colorado. That's a pretty high rope. No, no, no, not colono. It is? No, no, you see, that word is pronounced colonel. Colonel? Yes, colonel. Where did he fight? Oh, my uncle. He fought with the original 13 colonelies.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

No, no.

[Lou Costello]

Costello. Let's colony. Oh, Colin, you said it was Canoli. No, Canoli. Now, make up your mind. Look, look, it's very simple. In. In military parlance, col is pronounced car, as in colonel. Yeah, don't you know that? Oh, no, I never went to college. Oh.

[Mrs. Niles]

Not me.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I know. I quit Skirl at the age of ferb. All right, all right, all right, all right, that's enough. Well, it ain't all right. After I quit Skirl, I got a German vertebral. A juggler. A juggler. Look, are you finished? No.

[Mrs. Niles]

One mer.

[Lou Costello]

What? Abbott. What? Oh, that's your line. Yeah, Pastelo. Well, what is it? And what's next? Never mind that joke sunk. Will you cut it out? I have something important to tell you. Mrs. Niles called up a few minutes ago and she wants you to take care of her nephew, Little Hector. Not little Hector. That ain't for me, brother. I ain't gonna take care of that little brat like me brother. Oh, now, you mean you don't like Little Hector? Oh, I like him. That's. Well, I'd like to give him a present. What kind of a present? Oh, a broken shoulder blade. That's no way to talk. What did Little Hector ever do to you? What did he do? Yes. Why, the guy, he. He poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year. Last year?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Did you speak to him about it? No, I only discovered it yesterday. Oh, hey, wait a minute. Here's Ken and Mrs. Niles now. We were expecting you. Ken.

[Ken Niles]

Well, I'm sorry I'm late, Bud. My wife and I just got back from a hunting trip.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, I got a moose head.

[Lou Costello]

Well, put a hat over your antlers and nobody will notice it. Pay no attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles. He's a little tired. He just came from launching a ship. He just launched a ship?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, that must have been a pretty picture. One tub launching another. That was.

[Lou Costello]

That was wonderful. There. That was wonderful.

[Ken Niles]

What a clever remark. No wonder I go for you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, and Kenneth, I go for you.

[Ken Niles]

I go for you.

[Mrs. Niles]

I go for you.

[Lou Costello]

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from Mr. And Mrs. Gopher. I love that. Come on, now, cut it out, Costello. Say, Mrs. Nile, where's little Hector?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, he's outside playing. I'll get him. Hector, darling, come in here, dear. Yes, Annie Niles. I was looking for Mr. Costello's crazy cat?

[Lou Costello]

Who ever told you I had a crazy cat?

[Mrs. Niles]

Annie Niles. She said, wait till I get a load of your silly puss. See why I hate the kid. Oh, isn't little Hector cute? Oh, come here, kid.

[Lou Costello]

I think you're very cute, too. Come here. Do me a favor.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah, what?

[Lou Costello]

Let me pinch your windpipe, Costello. Now. Well, I mean. Hey, Hector, look, why don't you just walk around the block and if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine, okay?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, don't mind Hector, Mr. Costello. He's just faithful. Why, the other day he gently kicked me in the bay.

[Lou Costello]

Mrs. Niles, I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out. How could he? He had him in her back pocket all the time.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come, Kenneth. We'll be back for Hector tonight.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, now listen. Now, look, I'm not gonna get stuck with this kid, Hector. Now, look, Hector, come here. Go on home to your mudda, will you, kid?

[Mrs. Niles]

But my mama ain't home. She's downtown buying a gun for my old man.

[Lou Costello]

Buying a gun? Did your father tell her what kind to get?

[Mrs. Niles]

No. He doesn't even know she's going to shoot him.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Evan, I'll tell you, this kid is dangerous. Oh, come. He's only playing.

[Mrs. Niles]

Playing?

[Lou Costello]

Yesterday he stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and sang smoke gets in your eye. Hector, that was a terrible thing to do.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah, it was. It put the fire out.

[Lou Costello]

Little Hector. Listen, I know a very good game. I'll tell you what I'd like to have you do. I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hands in it. That ain't going to hurt much.

[Mrs. Niles]

No, no. I want to play Cowboys and Indians. Look, I brought my BB gun. Don't point that in front of me.

[Lou Costello]

It might go off.

[Mrs. Niles]

I even told a kid not to point it at me.

[Lou Costello]

All right, all right. Take it easy. What?

[Mrs. Niles]

He shot me right in the eye.

[Lou Costello]

Are those BBs in your face?

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, it ain't caviar. Here, Pip, give me that thing.

[Lou Costello]

I'm going to shoot the rest of his beepees right out the window.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Who shot that gun out of the window? Who wants to know?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I do. Throckmorton P. Gildersley.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Gilderslee, those shots were an accident. Where did he get you?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Between my bay window and the back porch.

[Ken Niles]

And furthermore, One of those BBs lodged in my head.

[Lou Costello]

Lodged in your head? I don't believe it. Shake your head once.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

All right, I will.

[Lou Costello]

He's right, Abbott. Can you imagine A little BB all alone in that big head.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You got a lot of nerve to talk about my head. The last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.

[Lou Costello]

Now, now, wait a minute, boys. Let's settle this thing like gentlemen. But he ain't gonna blame this on me now. It was all that little Hector's fault.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You mean this innocent little child here? Why, he has an angelic face. He has a heavenly look.

[Lou Costello]

You got your directions mixed.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Now look here, Costello. You're not gonna blame this on anybody else. I demand satisfaction. Put up your fists and fight like a man.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott, this guy's asking for it. Give me a piece of chalk. What are you going to do with it? What am I gonna do with it? I'm gonna draw a line right here on the floor. Right over there. Now, come on, Gilder, sleeve. I dare you to step over that line.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Well, I stepped over the line. Now what?

[Lou Costello]

Now you're on my side.

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[Lou Costello]

Ready?

[Ken Niles]

Rich and the Orchestra Dancing in the dark.

[Lou Costello]

Little Hector. Little Hector. Who put that cat in the piano?

[Mrs. Niles]

I did. My teacher told me to practice kipping on the keys.

[Lou Costello]

Now Abbott, I told you. Now I told you to keep that quiet. I can't sleep. The noise makes me restless. Oh, that's just your imagination.

[Mrs. Niles]

No it ain't, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I was so restless that I tossed and tossed until my nose got caught in my ear. You got your nose caught in your ear? Why that's terrible. Sure I sneezed and almost blew my brains out. Oh, now who is that? Come in. Good afternoon Mr. Abbott and Mr. Cuspello. Is Lippo Heckpa here? I'm Tommy Pumpkins. I live two blocks down the sweep. You live two blocks down the strip.

[Mrs. Niles]

What kind of Talk is this, Mr. Costello? That's the way Tommy talks. He can't say the letter T. He makes it sound like A.

[Lou Costello]

And do that again. It's very cooly. Look, what did you want with little Hector? Tommy, I came over here to practice my music with little Hector. See, I brought my trumpet. Trumpet? You mean trumpet? That's the trumpet. This guy sounds like a nitwhip.

[Mrs. Niles]

But Tommy is a very good trumpet.

[Lou Costello]

Player you set up. Mr. Costello, you're talking for the most prolific trumpet player that ever pooted a pirate trumpet from Timbukpo Pooh Pennessee. Want to hear me play a poon on my trumpet? No. How about the clarinet? I play the clarinet. The prambone and the pooba. Oh no, you don't play the pooba. A puba is what you teach your toothpaste into. Brush your peep. Now the guy's got me talking like that. Costello, please don't make fun of Tommy. He comes from a very high class family. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Why don't he take it out when he talks? Oh, come on Lippo Hector, let's play a little poon. Mr. Costello, you want to hear Cole Pauper's Knife and tay, Knife and Day. Why don't you play pit pole Pruda Piper? Pull it.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, that's great.

[Lou Costello]

Follow me, Little Hector In Pepo.

[Mrs. Niles]

One. Pull.

[Lou Costello]

Three. That's enough, brother. I said that's enough, brother. Will you guys shut up?

[Mrs. Niles]

Cut it out.

[Lou Costello]

Break it up. All right, all right. Look, Hector, why don't you and your friend Tommy go out in the yard and play?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Here you can have my football. The one I used when I used to play with Marquette. You played with the University of Marquette in Wisconsin? No, with the Fish. Marquette in Glendale. Hey, Abbott, look. Come on, kids, now get out. Get the kids out, will ya? Abbott, look, go on out in the backyard and I'll show you how I used to kick the ball. Now look, I'm gonna show you the kick that won the great big game. Here, Hector, you hold the ball, I'll kick it. Abbott, you catch it. Ah, but suppose you kick. Kick little Hector's head. Well, you'll have to catch that too. Oh. Okay kids, get ready.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Who kicked that football through my window?

[Lou Costello]

Hey, it's Gilder sleeve. Let's run. Now what's the matter?

[Mrs. Niles]

What's the matter, Abbott?

[Lou Costello]

That darn clothesline, did it get you? No, I always wear my nose side saddle.

[Mrs. Niles]

Did it get me?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Don't you try to run away, Costello. You kicked that football through my window. It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary.

[Lou Costello]

Your secretary?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Yeah, an old Duncan Fikes.

[Lou Costello]

Where does she get that stuff?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

My secretary's been in my family for 200 years.

[Lou Costello]

Faithful, isn't she? Oh, keep quiet, Costello. Look ill aslee. The whole thing was an accident. Costello was just showing us what a great football player he was in school.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

In school, Costello, who'd you ever play for? Subnormal.

[Lou Costello]

Did you ever have that laugh? Dry clean.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Don't try and evade the issue, Costello. You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to Princeton.

[Lou Costello]

All right, prove it. Where are your football pants?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Well, that shows how stupid you are, Costello. Footballs don't wear pants.

[Lou Costello]

Say you'll just leave. Did you ever play in the Princeton Yale game?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I'll never forget that game, Abbott. I can still picture myself sweeping down the field. I swept over the 50 yard line, over the 40, the 30. I swept past the 20 yard line. As I was sweeping toward the goal line, it happened.

[Lou Costello]

Were you tackled? No, he broke his broom. There's only one way to settle this argument. Why don't you challenge each other to a football game?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

That's a great idea, Abbott. It's the only thing that'll satisfy my honor. We Gildersleebs are a proud lot.

[Lou Costello]

You're a vacant Lot. I think I got the kid going, Pop. He's getting mad.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Costello, we'll meet in one hour. If I should not emerge victorious, I shall retire to a mountain fatness where as a measure of self punishment, I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the woodpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals.

[Lou Costello]

Yes. Yeah. Well, listen, ghost leave. If I don't win this game, I'm going to retire to the cellar of Tony's Fish Market where I will tie myself through a pickle barrel and have Tony slap me in the puss with a wet barracuda.

[Mrs. Niles]

Not every five minutes, not every three.

[Lou Costello]

Minutes, not every 10 seconds, but Sunday, Monday and all way.

[Ken Niles]

By special request, Connie Haynes repeats one of the top tunes of the season.

[Mrs. Niles]

Shoo shoo baby, shoo shoo shoo baby Shoo shoo shoo baby don't cry baby. Upper off to seven seas don't cry baby don't sigh baby Bye bye bye baby When I come back to live the life of food Kind of tough now you say goodbye to way papa gotta be rough now don't hate you another day Baby.

[Lou Costello]

Baby.

[Mrs. Niles]

Don'T cry baby. Your papa's off through the seven see don't cry, don't sigh. Baby's here a waiting for her papa. Don't cry, don't sigh. It seems nothing will ever stop her. Sho sho my baby Sho sho sho shoe my baby Sho sho shoe shoo my baby your papa's off to the seven Sea.

[Ken Niles]

Three and Camel cigarettes. They're first in the service. They've got what it takes.

[Lou Costello]

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ken Niles]

This is Ken Niles, your sportscaster, speaking to you direct from Google's parking lot overlooking the city dump. There is a strong wind sweeping across the field at this moment and most of the crowd is leaving. We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the gilder sleeved nanny goats and the Costello morons.

[Lou Costello]

Oh no.

[Ken Niles]

Pardon me, that's maroons. And now for a last minute interview, we take you to Lou Costello's dressing room. Take it away, Flash Barrel.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, Ken Iles. Phew. This is Flash Barrel speaking from the morons dressing room. That's me, folks. Mr. Costello, I understand that this game is the result of a personal challenge. Is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word trepidation? That's right. And is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word cowardice? That's right.

[Ken Niles]

You're pretty brave.

[Lou Costello]

No, I'm pretty ignorant. Take it away, Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles]

Thank you, Flash Barrel. And now for a word from the opposing captain. We switch you to Gildersleeve's dressing room and Red Harbor.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles]

Here we are in the Nanny Goats dressing room.

[Lou Costello]

Gildersleeve looks in great shape.

[Ken Niles]

Say, Mr. Gildersleeve, I see you're wearing your old school sweater.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, yes, Princeton University.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, sir.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I was the biggest PU man on the campus. Phew.

[Ken Niles]

Thank you, Gilder Sleeve.

[Lou Costello]

And now back to Ken Niles. Okay, Red harbor.

[Ken Niles]

Both teams are coming on the field now. And we switch to Bud Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

Right, Ken Niles. Now let's listen to Gilda Sleeves. Nanny goats singing their alma mater.

[Ken Niles]

Then he goes.

[Lou Costello]

You'll find will always come from behind Forever Mammy. Phew. Phew. And now, on the other side of the field, we pick up Lou Costello's band and Glee club. Hip hop Protocol laugh Protocol Laugh Protocol Laugh with.

[Mrs. Niles]

Me. Team, team, team. What do you think you're doing here?

[Lou Costello]

Don't bother me. Now, Mrs. Niles. We're going to play football.

[Mrs. Niles]

But where is little Hector?

[Lou Costello]

What do you think we're using for a football? Costello, the game's about to start. Where's your football helmet? I don't need a helmet. But how are you going to protect your head? I'm wearing my hair piled up this season.

[Ken Niles]

Well, folks, the moment is here. And we take you to the midfield stripe where the opposing captains are shaking hands in their usual friendly manner.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, I warn you, Costello, you try to carry the ball through my line, I'll climb you like a tree and a monkey like.

[Lou Costello]

You can do it, Costello. Remember sportsmanship.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I'm not afraid of him, Abbott. Listen, Costello, I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard I'll drive your head down into your ribs. When you open your eyes, you'll think you're in jail.

[Mrs. Niles]

Jiggers the cop.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here. That's. No, that's the referee. No more patrol wagon. No, no, no. That's the referee.

[Mrs. Niles]

Last time I had to stand up.

[Lou Costello]

No, that's the referee. All right, boys, let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game. Stop. Again.

[Mrs. Niles]

All right, all right, all right.

[Lou Costello]

Well, the game is about to start.

[Ken Niles]

Costello is kicking off to gilder sleeve. And Costello's toe meets the big skin.

[Lou Costello]

Wait, wait, wait. Gee, that was a great kick, Costello. Gilder sleeves got the ball. Go ahead and tackle him.

[Mrs. Niles]

Okay, I got him.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Costello, are you double jointed?

[Lou Costello]

No, why?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Then I think I broke your leg.

[Lou Costello]

The joke's on you. I always wear my leg in my back pocket. Hey, I don't like the way you tickle, Gildy.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You mean tackle. You don't know your football.

[Lou Costello]

I mean tickle. You don't know your mustache. Come on, Gilly, let's start the play. Right signals. One, two. Butt my shoe. Three, four.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Shut the door.

[Lou Costello]

Hike. Costello, Gilly's running around his own end. He's running around his own end. That's a neat trick if he can do it, but quick.

[Ken Niles]

Grab him.

[Lou Costello]

Come on, grab him.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Ow.

[Mrs. Niles]

Referee.

[Lou Costello]

Referee. What is this?

[Mrs. Niles]

Did you see what happened?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I did. And I penalized you 15 yards for interference.

[Mrs. Niles]

Interference? Gilder Schmidt kicked me right in the push.

[Lou Costello]

I don't believe it. You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you, Gilde?

[Ken Niles]

No.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Uncle Ralph.

[Lou Costello]

Uncle Ralph, this is a frame up. Stop complaining, Costello. It's your turn to carry the ball. Now let's see you make a touchdown. Okay, Abbott, watch me. Signal. One, two. What comes after two? Three. Oh, three.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I knew you went to subnormal.

[Lou Costello]

Look, I'll call the signals. 1, 2, 3, 4. Say, Costello, what comes after 4? 6.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

No, it's 5.

[Lou Costello]

How do you know?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I got my shoes off. I'm counting on my toes.

[Lou Costello]

Get ready then.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Signals.

[Lou Costello]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Hike. Oh, boy. I got the ball, Abbott. One tackler down, two tacklers. Three tacklers.

[Mrs. Niles]

I'm gonna make a touchdown, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

No, you won't, Costello. I'm right in back of you. I got Abbott.

[Mrs. Niles]

We can't lose now.

[Lou Costello]

Why not? I'm out in the open.

[Ken Niles]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a. And now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.

[Lou Costello]

Thanks, Ken. Well, Gilly, it was swell to have you with us tonight. That was a pretty tough football game.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Yes, it was. I think Costello and I better take inventory. Let me see now. I've got two arms and I got two arms. And I've got two legs.

[Lou Costello]

And I got two legs. Wait a minute, Gildersleeve. I'll never be able to face my public again.

[Ken Niles]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I'm wearing your hat. Oh, get out of here. Good night, folks. Good night, folks. Good night, neighbors.

[Ken Niles]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show with our special guest, Ms. Janet Blair.

[Lou Costello]

Harold Perry.

[Ken Niles]

The great Gilders leave appeared tonight through the courtesy of the Kraft Cheese Company. And remember, Camel cigarettes are packed to.

[Lou Costello]

Go around the world.

[Ken Niles]

Camels stay fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.

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