Lou Costello (5:48)

Good news spreads fast. And it's good news that the Star Theater featuring singer Gordon McCray, songstress Evelyn Knight and Victor Young's orchestra is on the air every Wednesday night over most of these same ABC stations. And what a combination of tip top talent that means a lilting 30 minutes of melody. Gordon McCrae is a man who has a special way with a song and he'll be singing the most popular songs of the day. Evelyn Knight, the last with a delicate air, also has a special way with a song, especially with a folk ballad. But that's not all. Victor Young's orchestra, the Jeff Alexander Chorus, are also on hand each Wednesday night to add to the entertainment. So for a gale of time, plan to join us when the Star theater featuring Gordon McRae, Evelyn Knight, Victor Young's orchestra, the Jeff Alexander Chorus is heard every Wednesday night. And that means tonight over most of these same ABC stations.

Bud Abbott (6:42)

Suppose you walk into a baseball park. What teams are playing? I don't know. Then what are you doing in the baseball park? Ah, you got me in there. Now get me out. What is the first thing you buy when you enter a baseball park? A hot dog. A hot dog without mustard. Oh, no. Mustard goes with a hot dog. Not with mine. Mustard was. Goes with a hot dog. I don't care what the mustard goes with. I'm not going to eat it. I don't like it. I mean, after all. Wait a minute, just a minute. I don't get excited. The mustard and the hot dog go together. Let them go together. I don't want to spoil any romance. Who's talking about a romance? I mean, after all, if I don't like mustard, I don't have to eat a few or anybody else. All right, I didn't know. What do you think you are, big man? If you come to eat mustard, I got to eat mustard. Well, let's forget about it. I got my license. All right, we'll forget about it. I don't eat mustard for you or anybody else. I mean, after all, mustard burns My tongue. And I'm not gonna burn my tongue for you or nobody.

Lou Costello (7:26)

All right, don't eat it.

Bud Abbott (7:27)

That's a free country. I know that. If you want to eat mustard, you eat it. Then you throw. You don't eat. All right. Well, don't shout. There's no law, so you got it. Oh, no, no, I know that. I know that mustard makes me sick. All right, who do you think you want to tell me? I gotta eat something that I don't want to eat. I'm a married man. I got a wife and two children. I understand that. If I eat mustard, I get sick. I can't work. What happens to my kids a minute? They wind up in the or. You're a fine guy. Sending my kids to an office. Don't get excited. What are my kids ever do to you? All right. You got to put away the office, Adam. Ridiculous. Get my kids out of the or. Wait a minute. What started all this nonsense? Mustard. Mustard. Wait a minute, just a minute. You just don't. Mustard. I like Worcestershire. Here, George. You like what? Worcestershire. Share charge. Worcestershire. Share shorts. You can't even say it. Yeah, but you don't like mustard. I love Worcestershire. Shersh, look, suppose you walk out on the bridge and you jump off the bridge. I'm not jumping off any bridge. What are you doing on the bridge? You see, there's things I don't like, and it's bridges and mustard. And if you want to burn me up, brother, all you got to do is stick me in the middle of a fridge with a handful of mustard. Wait a minute. Just a minute. You don't like mustard? Give me a reason. What are you, some big shot or something? Too big a guy to like mustard? I don't care for that stuff. I'm not from that. You know where mustard comes from? You know where mustard comes from? I know. They don't scrape it off a mustard plastic. No, no, no. They manufacture mustard. Do you know they spend millions of dollars every year to put up factories just about extra mustard? Do you know those factories employ thousands and thousands of men just to manufacture mustard? And you. Just because you don't like mustard. What do you want them to do? Close those factories down and put all those people out of work? Now, just no one shout at me. Do you mean to stand there and tell me that those thousands of people are making one little jar of mustard just for me? No, no, wait. Let me. If they are, you can tell them not to make any more because I'm not going to eat all Right. Well, that's good. If I eat that little jar of mustard that those thousands of people are making for me in a mustard factory, what happens to the poor people working in a witcher charge? Here, wait a minute. Let's close one factory at a time. Take all the people I put out of work in a mustard factory and put them back to work on that bridge and build it up. Now, wait a minute. Answer one question, will you please? Just one teeny weeny question. Ask me something with a little sense to it. Will you answer it? Yeah, all right, all right. Say you walk into a restaurant. You walk into a restaurant. The way the place is, on one side of the table a big juicy steak and one side a platter of beans. Now which one would you eat? I ate the steak. You eat the steak. You know where that steak comes from? A cow. A cow. I hope. You hope? You know what that cow gives? No. That cow gives milk. No, she don't. You got to take it away.

Lou Costello (10:18)

There may be a housing shortage, but tonight there may not be. For some contestants on Go for the House. This is the exciting show heard every Wednesday night over most ABC stations on which contestants can win a beautiful new honeymoon house built on a suburban lot right in their own hometown. Each Wednesday night, MC John Reed King calls seven couples to the ABC microphone. These couples each select to a room of honeymoon house to furnish and are given seven questions to answer. As they answer each question correctly, a prize of some home furnishing goes into the house. After the third question, they can take their prizes or go for the house. But to win the house, they must answer the special seventh question. Listeners also have an opportunity to win Honeymoon House. For complete details, don't miss Go for the House on the air tonight and every Wednesday night over most of these very same ABC stations. And now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello Show.

Bud Abbott (11:15)

Where are you going? Well, as you know, I have a baseball team. By the way, Costello, why don't you come along and play on the team? You mean it's. Sure, why not? That's a good idea, Abbott, but I don't think I know any of the players. I mean, after all, you see some of these guys on the team. I'd like to know if I'm going to join your team. Here we go. Well, I'll introduce. Oh, Abbott. Well, I'd like to know, is this. Here I'll introduce the boys to you. Suppose it's bad, you tell me who's playing on your team? You know, stranger may seem to give These ball players nowadays, very peculiar names. You know, like Dizzy Dean and Daffy Dean. Who are you? Goofy. Goofy, eh? Well, now, let's see. We have on the bags we have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know. Who's on third? That's what I want to find out. I say who's on first. What's on second? I don't know. Who's on third. Are you the fellow that knows all the players? Certainly. Well, then who's on first? Yes. I mean the fellow's name. Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first. Now, what are you asking me for? I'm not asking. I'm telling you. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me. Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who is on first. Have you got a contract with a first baseman? Absolutely. Who signed a contract? Well, naturally, it's no good unless he signs it. It's no good unless who signs it? No. So who signed it? Absolute. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Every dollar. Why not the man? The man's entitled to it. Who is? Yes. So who gets it? Absolutely. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Whose wife? Yes. All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base? Oh, no, wait a minute. Don't twitch him. Don't switch him around. What is on second base? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who is on first? I don't know. He's on third. Now, we're not talk this thing straight. How did I get a third base? You mentioned his name. If I mentioned a third baseless name. Who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? Never mind first. I don't know. What's the guy's name on third? No. What's on second? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? I don't know. He's on third. Well, I can't take their name. Will you please say our third base? So don't go off. What is it You. Now who's playing third base? Now, why do you insist on putting who on third base? Now, who am I putting over there? Yes, but we don't want him there. What's the guy's name belongs on third. What belongs on second? I'M not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? I don't know. Third base. You got a outfield. Oh, yes, yes. So left field is named. Why? I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you. Well, I just thought I'd tell you. All right, but tell me who's playing left field. Who is playing field. I watched the left fielder's name. What's on second. I'm not asking you who's on second. Who is on first. I don't know. Third base is the left field's name. Why? Because. Oh, he's center field as well as I do. Look, you got to pitch our team. Now, wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher? The pitcher's name tomorrow. You don't want to tell me today? I'm telling you, man. Then go ahead. Tomorrow. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow you going to tell me who's pitching? Now listen, who is not pitching? Break your arm. You say who's on first? Go ahead, have it your. I want to know what's the pitcher's name? What's on second. I don't know. Say base. You got a catcher. Absolutely. The catcher's name. Today. Today and tomorrow's pitching. Now you've got it. All we got is a couple of days on the team. I can't help that. I'm a catch it too. I know that. I'll get behind a play, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's pitching on my team. And a heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Tomorrow throws the ball. The guy that puts the ball when he busts the ball. Me being in a good throw, the guy out of first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now, that's the first thing you've said right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, that's all you have to do is to throw the ball at first base. Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally, if I throw the ball at first base, somebody's got to catch it. Now, who caught it? Naturally. Who caught it? Naturally. Who. Naturally. Naturally, yes. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to naturally. No, no, no. You throw the ball to first base. Then who gets it? Naturally. That's right. Now it does. So I bring up the ball and I throw it the naturally, you don't. I throw it the whole naturally. That's what I'm saying. You're not saying it that way. I said I throw the ball to Naturally, you don't. You Throw the ball to who? Naturally. Well, say that. That's what I'm saying. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Ask me. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. That's same as you. I throw the ball at first piece. Then who gets Naturally. Who has it naturally? He better have it now. That's. Now I throw the ball, and naturally whoever it is drops the ball. So the guy runs to second who picks up the ball. Close to what? What close to. I don't know. I don't know. Close. Back to tomorrow triple play. Yes. Another guy gets up. It's a long flag ball to be caused. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn. What was that? I know. Don't. I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short stop, Sam. All right. What's all the excitement? I'm now, baby Idiot boy. Oh. Good night, folks. Good night. News.

Lou Costello (17:30)

When someone with a secret microphone comes in contact with an unsuspecting individual with human reactions, the result is Candid Microphone, a Thursday night program that's rapidly capturing the interest of ABC listeners everywhere. Candid Microphone is a program that tests people's honest reactions in various situations. And what they say or do is secretly recorded by a man with a concealed mic. For instance, he may ask a strange girl in the park for a date, and when she answers him, she answers candidly, not knowing she's being recorded. Or the man with the mic may record the conversation of a man in a restaurant who suddenly finds he's left his wallet in the proverbial pursuit and can't pay his check. But whatever is secretly recorded does not go on the air until the man with the mic has received the full permission of the person or persons recorded. Don't miss Candid Microphone tomorrow night over most of these same ABC stations.